Should I let my fiance move in with my son and I before we are married? (I'm pregnant)

FoxyMom - posted on 02/26/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Odd situation - My fiance and I have been engagned for 8 months. Two months after we were engaged I found out I was pregnant. (forgot to take one birth control pill) I have a 9 year old son from my previous marriage and I always try to set a good example for him however getting pregnant before I was married not really don't a great job LOL.

Before we get married I asked him to get his financial issues resolved (ie one year of back taxes and some medical bills that have gone into collections, as well as a repo car when he was younger) that way if he feels that filing for bankruptcy is the best option it can be done before we are married. We were planning on getting married Feb 2014 and I do not want to rush and move that date up just becuase I'm having a baby.

He has not really spent the night at my house when my son is there and the few times he did he slept on the couch. Now that my due date is getting near and we will have "baby bills" I have been playing with the idea of him moving in but I'm torn becuase I was brought up that it is not the right thing to do to live together before marriage BUT I sort of shot that when I got pregnant. My fiance would have to share a room with me.

I've talked to my son about his feelings about that and he seems fine with it. (they get along great) but I'm still worried about what negitive effect it could have on him AND if my ex will have an issue and cause problems.

I am 35 so not a spring chicken however I do value and respect my parents opinion. I've discussed this with them and my father is ok with it becuase he knows how helpful it would be with bills and dealing with a newborn, getting my son ready for school, etc. My mom is totally against it until we get married. She said that plenty of single moms do it alone all the time but I told her is that is becaue they have to and I have a willing person that wants to take responsibility and help.

Anyway, I would just like others opinions on this matter. I've talked with my son about how mommy made a mistake and that you should have babies until you are married and when i talked to him about my fiance moving it I approached it that I need him to move in because it would give us extra help with the baby and help arond the house getting things done. Plus my son is nervous being here with me alone just incase something happens like I go into labor early or anything like that.

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FoxyMom - posted on 02/26/2013

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Thanks again Sarah. I felt my son was old enough to understand so I did sit him down and told him that mommy got things out of order a bit but that's not how it should happen. That I was sorry for the mistake I had made but that God does not make mistakes so this baby was a gift to us and we needed to move forward a happy family. I will admit I caught a lot of grief from people but my reply was that your mistakes don't define you as a parent because we all make them but how you handle those mistakes does. Thats where your kid learns to suck it up and keep moving forward.

Sarah - posted on 02/26/2013

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For me it is the two wrongs don't make a right. Getting preg. before marriage is wrong and does send the mixed message, but that is over and done. You have to move forward and try to teach him about the consequences of those actions.....if done in the wrong order then that means sacrifices in other areas and how life might be harder then if it was done in the right order. I do also think it is important to let him know that people do make mistakes. But if you make a mistake then you need to also make it right. The only thing that can be controlled right now is how you move forward.

I was once in a simular place. I was much younger which can make the situation less complicated but not necessarily less harder. I became preg. with my first before being married. I was 22 yrs old and in the last year of college. I felt bad for the choices I made. What I did was wrong and I knew that. I wanted to do what was right moving forward. We ended up deciding to marry before the baby was born. Not something I would suggest to everyone as this too has its risks and is not always the right thing to do. Even though we were married we lived 6 hours from each other for the first few months of my son's life. In order to graduate from college I needed to finish off my final semester at the college I was attending. He had graduated a year before me and was working in a town 6 hours away. Eventually he was able to get a transferr to the same town where I was living, but it took time. We have now been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. It has been very good, but it was hard at first. I had always wanted to be a stay home mom when I started having kids. I could no longer do this at that point in time due to finishing college and paying off bills. I did not have my husband with me during those first few months of our child's life. So I was doing school, work, and taking care of a newborn. It was VERY stressful.

Jodi - posted on 02/26/2013

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How does living together before marriage send any more mixed messages to a child than getting pregnant and having a baby before marriage?

FoxyMom - posted on 02/26/2013

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Good point Sarah. I think that's why I'm having a hard time with this. I was raised that babies and living together before marriage is wrong. But I'm human. I'm thankful that I'm pregnant with the man I already wanted to marry and one that Didn't tuck tail and run.

Dove - posted on 02/26/2013

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Your last sentence is one of the (many) reasons that I'm never getting into a relationship again. No way am I going to risk what happened with their father to happen to them again.

Not that I'm using my kids as an 'excuse'.... most of my reasons are about ME, but even if I didn't have those reasons..... I would take any new relationship VERY slow.

I do get your reasoning of trying to do the right thing now even though you are already pregnant. Have you tried sitting down with your mom and talking it all out and explaining your reasons for wanting him to move in now and seeing if she has any other suggestions to help you? It IS your life and even being strong in her faith I would hope that she would respect that you have to make the decisions for your life.

Good luck whatever you do!!

FoxyMom - posted on 02/26/2013

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Not really that I want her approval but more trying to do the right thing even bough I already screwed up once. Plus my mom could cause me a lot of grief. She helped me a lot when I left my ex and I don't want to come back and slap her in the face. She's strong in her faith and I respect that. But in the end I'm the one that's has to deal with it all and I want to do what's best for both of my kids. I'm thinking maybe a slow move in would be a good way to start white a few nights here and there to ease my son into it. Him and my fiancé get along super great and my son thinks a lot of him. He is actually he only man my son ever met after my ex and I split up. I wanted to be very careful not to have men come and go and my sons heart get ripped out very time one left. I guess in a nut shell I'm just scared of screwing up again and my poor kid paying the price.

Sarah - posted on 02/26/2013

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I am not for living together before marriage. I also think this sends mixed messages to your son. I know things happen in life but I also agree with the saying two wrongs don't make a right. I would see what you could do with his financial situation. Has he talked with a financial advisor on what would be the best way to get all his finances in order? How are things moving along right now.....has he been working hard on getting things paid down or is he taking the wait and see attitude? I think that is smart you are waiting things out on that end. Finances are a big thing in marriages and how people spend and handle their finances is very important. My suggestion would be for you guys to make a financial plan, talk with a financial advisor and see if you can set a budget for this year. Find out if it is possible to get things paid down faster. Often times there are things you can do to help combine certain bills to help interest rates and such. Some places will even negotiate with you on the amount for payback.

For going into labor have a few plans put in place. Talk to family and friends and even your fiance. If your first labor was not a fast labor this one will most likely not be fast either...though do have a plan in place if it is fast. Have people that can be available for you to call on different days/times. Talk to a neighbor that you feel comfortable with it help out if needed also either watching your son or helping you get to the hosiptal.

Dove - posted on 02/26/2013

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Would 'I' do it this way? No, but with the baby coming.... I really don't see the issue except if you are wanting your mom's approval, but.... it's not her life.

Holly - posted on 02/26/2013

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I do think it would be good for you to have your fiancee move in before you get married... as you honestly need to get a feel as to if your fiancee and son's personalities mesh and if there are "quirks" that need to be worked on

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