Should I move in with BF i'm torn!

Anna - posted on 12/08/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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i am 22 and 3 months pregnant and have been dating my bf for almost a year he is 21. We are both not finacially at the moment able to afford a place I am currently living at my parents and he lives with his dad. He says hes going to save for a place so when the baby is born we can move in with him, however I dont feel we have been dationg long enough to move in together and i want to be able to make sure that we can afford monthly rent and a safe place to raise the baby and everything for the baby my first priority is the baby. my paretns are very supportive of me and are willing to help any they can. My bf has yet to talk to my parents about it and has yet to buy anything for the baby and help with my medical bills. My parents think i need to stay at home till he can prove he is going to step up and help finacially ik he will be a good dad but hes just not helping finacially at the moment and sometimes asks me for money cuz he ran out. Ik my parents would help with anything i need if i ever needed and his parents can hardly make ends meet and pay rent and is always asking my bf for money. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my parents if i move out but i also dont want my relationship with my bf to suffer if i stay at home after the baby is born. idk what to do im torn.

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Anaquita - posted on 12/09/2012

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Honestly I have to agree with those who say to wait until you know your boyfriend is financially stable, and that things are sound and secure. It's great that you have wonderful supportive parents who are there for you. Focus on your baby and yourself first. Boyfriend third. If he truly loves you, he will understand why you're not jumping to move immediately.



And to the person who suggested giving the baby up... really...? She's 22, not 12. And she's not homeless, but has a supportive family. She may be young, but not horrendously so, and with the right support and time I'm sure will be a good mother.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/09/2012

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WHY would you think she cannot give this baby the best life? Especially if she has the support of her family??

Jill - posted on 12/09/2012

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My sincere advice is to break up with the boyfriend and place the baby for adoption. I promise if youdo that one day you will find an awesome guy, get married and have babies. You stated that your first priority is the baby so truly show that by giving him/ her the best start. You will also be giving yourself the chance to have a baby when it is All Joy. And there is nothing better than having a baby with a man who is completly in love with you and your both ecstatic.

Ashley - posted on 12/08/2012

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You stay at home, he will understand eventualy that it was the best decision if not to bad you are going to need your family around you, have you thought about asking if he could move in and pay rent to your parents a middle ground. otherwise descuse what will be exeptable for him visiting after babys born if he can spend two weekends and alowed over during the days. i think descusing this now will help him no what the boundrys are so he is comfurtable and so are everyone else. If you dont like your parents answer try to descuse what it would take to change it not geting upset if they say he needs to prove that he is going to help figure out what that means to your parents, everyones opinions are diff but it would help you to have his help. Good luck

[deleted account]

"He often forgets about me and plans we have and spends all his money on his truck. I always have to remind him to start saving and i have asked time and time again for him to help finacially with medical bills or anything and he says he will but it never happens. "



And you want to move in with him why? I'mnot seeing a man who understands resposibilities. I see a boy who enjoys having you around when he needs you but is clearly, utterly dsinterested in growing up. Your parents are right.

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I wouldn't move in with him until you know for sure that the arrangement would work out...meaning he has a steady job (i.e. steady income!), starts showing you that you and this baby are a priority financially as well as how he spends his time, and proves he can be more responsible with his money. Until you see ongoing, consistent PROOF of these things, my opinion is that you should not move in with him. You don't want to be in a situation where you rent a place together, sign your names to the lease, the he "bounces" jobs again and your income is not enough to pay for the place AND the baby's needs, not to mention your own groceries. If neither of you lives on your own at this point, I would say it would probably take at least several months of tracking your income and spending to even figure out exactly what you can afford- what you both are earning and how you both are consistently spending your money *over time* (which is the key info you need), where you can make adjustments if necessary, then to actually MAKE those adjustments, before you can truly know what you can afford long term. But before any of that, personally I would want to see some serious maturing on his part before I'd move in with him. If he doesn't grow up a bit, it's going to be a HUGE strain on your relationship once there's a little life that depends on the two of you being grown ups! And rent, utilities, groceries, AND a new baby are a whole lot of financial responsibility to take on all at once, so before you put yourself in a situation where you depend on his contribution, you need to be sure he is actually going to step up and make that contribution and that the relationship is stable so he will BE there to make that contribution.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/08/2012

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I think you already know the answer. Clearly he is not stable enough to move in with. You need people you can depend on with a new baby, and that would be your parents. Guy is spending all his money on everything but what matters.

Dove - posted on 12/08/2012

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My apologies for misreading. I was going to delete my earlier response and fix it, but I'll leave it.



I'll still offer the good luck cuz I don't know what else to offer. ;)

Dove - posted on 12/08/2012

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*hats what i figured and when i try and talk to him about stepping up he says he is and gets mad but yet he cant show how he is stepping up. Also the other thing im worried about is if we break up he says hes going to fight for the kid or at least 50/50 which makes me nervous since the kid will be a newborn if we do break up or really young. I convinced him that if we are still together and dont move in together after the baby is born that it sleeps at my house everynight because his dads house where he is staying is trashed and his dad drinks alot and is always drunk and smokes wherver in the house and he doesnt live in the safer area. I'm worried if we do break up and the courts give him custody or 50/50 what the baby will be around and etc. when with him. Thanks for all the advice i really appreciate it!



No offense, but you probably should've thought about that at least 4 months ago.... The guy is always drunk and bounces around from job to job, yet.... you thought he was good enough to become your boyfriend, but not good enough to have your child (also his child) 50% of the time.....



All I can offer is good luck cuz there is no advice that is going to make this situation any better for you... or the innocent baby that will be caught in the middle of this mess... whether you stay w/ this loser or not.

Anna - posted on 12/08/2012

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thats what i figured and when i try and talk to him about stepping up he says he is and gets mad but yet he cant show how he is stepping up. Also the other thing im worried about is if we break up he says hes going to fight for the kid or at least 50/50 which makes me nervous since the kid will be a newborn if we do break up or really young. I convinced him that if we are still together and dont move in together after the baby is born that it sleeps at my house everynight because his dads house where he is staying is trashed and his dad drinks alot and is always drunk and smokes wherver in the house and he doesnt live in the safer area. I'm worried if we do break up and the courts give him custody or 50/50 what the baby will be around and etc. when with him. Thanks for all the advice i really appreciate it!

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2012

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Just on the things you have written, I wouldn't be moving in with him. He has a lot of growing up to do and why should you and your child suffer. If your relationship with him can't withstand you not living together then it wasn't meant to be.



You've already said that you staying with your parents is going to be better for you and your child so there really isn't any other advice we give.

Anna - posted on 12/08/2012

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plus hes always in and out of jobs never last long at one. i dont think he thinks that babies are that expensive and he doesnt need to start saving now. He sees his sisters and there kids and they hardly have anything and he thinks thats ok, but to me i wwant the best for my child

Anna - posted on 12/08/2012

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my parents wont allow him to move in at the moment because they dont think he has earned it. He often forgets about me and plans we have and spends all his money on his truck. I always have to remind him to start saving and i have asked time and time again for him to help finacially with medical bills or anything and he says he will but it never happens. i have asked him to talk to my parents about me being pregnant and stuff he just doesnt seem interested. its not the normal for my family to have a baby with someone who you arent married to or havent been dating that long, but to his family it is all his sisters got pregnant as teenagers.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/08/2012

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Can your BF move into your parents house and help out with bills etc? If you both are not financially ready to have an apartment, and a child, it would be a bad idea to move into a rental and not be able to make payments. Babies are expensive. This guy should be helping out any way he can.

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