Should I put my daughter up for adoption?

Nellie - posted on 10/21/2010 ( 361 moms have responded )

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My daughter is four months old and this isn't the first time I've thought about this. I love my daughter, she is my reason for living, she is the only reason I get up in the morning. I feel like I would die without her, but I also feel like I'm being selfish. I am a single mom with absolutely no one to help me. When I say I'm doing this thing solo, I mean it! My brother has tried to physically hurt my daughter, Kayla, and my parents have supported this behaviour so I have nothing to do with them. My brother is 18, so yes, he does know better. Right now I am so broke that I usually only eat once a day, sometimes two. I have tried everything to make things better. And it's not a matter of me struggling, because I would go through this a million times for Kayla. I'm worried that my daughter would be better off without me. I hae a friend who is in the process of trying to adopt a child, and I know here extremely well, and we have the exact same views on parenting, and I know that my daughter would have everything she would ever need with her. I've been sobbing for days because I've actually started researching adoption. I want to take my baby girl and run away from the cruel world, but I want what is best for Kayla. What should I do?





*I`ve been recieving some replies that are base on mis-understanding, so I`m editing his post and putting in more info. I do not "want" to give my daughter up. I love her more then life itself and would definitely regret it and I would NEVER be able to get past that. BUT this is not about my feelings. This is about what's best for my daughter. Also, frequently asked questions: I'm 19, have my own appartment, am not religous. Oh, and I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada.

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Tamogene - posted on 10/26/2010

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A daughter needs her mother. I was a single parent and I worked and took care of my children. children are a blessing from GOD! He will not give you more than you can handle, I promise you. It may seem bad right know but if you put your faith in the lord you will see things happen. They may not happen right away because God has his own plan or you. You need to be strong and look for assistance. it is out there. For now stay away from the family and think about you and your daughter only! Maybe you should find a church home and talk to someone in a womens group or even the pastor. I turn to a church home when I thought my world was just crumbling. I had to take care of 3 children while my hubby was in jail. I found a church home, was baptized and my whole outlook on life changed. There are people out there that are willing to help someone in your situation. Darling Don't Give up. You fight for you and your daughter. Use the system get child support, food stamps and don't be ashamed. I did it for a while and got right back on my feet. I took a while, then I had two back surgeries, that was tough. But God helped me through this. Pick up a bible and start reading in the new testament and read psalms too. It will give you encouragement. Read Psalms 23 and 91. 91 is my favorite Don't be afraid to cry, but not in front of your children. That will scare them. I will be praying for you. Please keep me posted. If you need someone to talk to my email is tamogensilva@comcast.net my cell is 916-710-6532. God Bless you and your daughter.

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Wow, Nellie, this is intense. I would like to know if you've made any decisions at this time? I think what you've been thinking about is courageous .... there is NO denying that! You are a courageous and selfless woman to even think about this option as it is clear how much you love Kayla. I wish I could take her for you and I would if I could! I am a foster parent in California and my husband and I are just waiting till our kids are a little older to start adopting but adoption is a beautiful thing! It is also sad and difficult. I am also a psychologist, specializing in matters of trauma, child/adolescent health, and victimization/human rights abuses. Here are my concerns for you.....

1. Having your friend adopt your daughter (if you should choose that option) means you may have to end your friendship and no longer make contact on that level. if your friend agrees to an open adoption it is still NOT good for the development of your daughter to have to deal with that or for your friend or for you. Adoption is hard enough and it's easy to think that giving our children to a friend or someone we know if the best decision but most of the time it is not simply because it HAS to trump the friendship. An open adoption is still legally controlled and there are always certain protocols and limits to what can happen. You are already doing what is best for your daughter in thinking about this so you should also consider that your friend may not be the best person to adopt your child because of the ongoing issues it could create/cause.

2. Do you have the support system in place or a plan for a support system for yourself should you decide to give your daughter a different home? You need to know that if you think the thought of it is difficult you can't even imagine what it's going to feel like if you actually do it. If you don't have family or close friends to provide the kind of support you need then you MUST find a support group or caregiver NOW to start easing into such a transition. You could easily become a danger to yourself with the intensity of emotions that will arise through the process.

3. I am happy to provide support for you online (I am in California) because this really tugged at my heartstrings. Please don't HESITATE to contact me: mamamia415@gmail.com.

Again, you are a courageous young woman. You are something very special. Please contact me if you need further assistance. In addition to being a psychologist, I am also a human rights advocate and a human rights lawyer. I am willing to help you in any way that I can.

Bettina - posted on 10/26/2010

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Hi Nellie, I am sooo hurting for you right now. I can not IMAGINE the feeling of struggle you are going through with yourself. I may be out of line for some of the things I may say, so I apologize in advance.

But let me say this....YOU can do this. It takes love and a little bit of money to raise your child. It takes determination and effort. I was 18 just 4 months after BARELY graduating when I had my FIRST child. Granted, I did have support, from my parents only. But one thing my parents taught me, they were NOT raising anymore children, so all they gave me was a place to live. Everything else, I had to do alone. I made the decision to lay down and allow a man to inpregnate me and I decided to BIRTH my kids. I am now going on 32 and a SINGLE mom. After a long 10 year relationship with their dad. It is hard EVERYDAY, but I know that GOD gets me through it all and as long as I do my part, I will be fine.

Yes, when you have kids, your LIFE no longer belongs to you. I would go without eating EVERYDAY if it means my kids eat. And I have 3 you only have 1. If you have a place to live, I assume you have a job. I have 3 kids, living off of unemployment and in school online and looking for part time work which has NOT been successful because I can ONLY work around their schedules. But I KNOW I will work it out. YES it is stressful and YES, I wish I could hang out more and just be free and not worry about the stress. I feel I could be a MUCH better mother, but I know I do the BEST I can. I KNOW I could not live without my kids and if someone else had them, I would be ticked that I could NOT really get a say so in raising them. Your baby has a bond with you because she is now 4 months old. The separation would be hard because you have HAD her with you for 4 months now. The first 3 years of a childs life is when they absorb the most and believe it or not, they REMEMBER those years the most. It will take some time and more effort and PRAYER (whether u are religious or NOT) to get you through. If in the end you are just at our wits end and want to feel FREE and think that she would be better off without you, then let someone adopt her. But mentally, whether your FRIEND adopts her or NOT, it will always be hard for you. And harder for that child to understand when she gets older, why exactly you waited until 4 months to put her up for adoption. I think you can do it. You just need to believe in yourself. What exactly do you need right now in your life that would make it better for you in order for her to stay?? Maybe I can offer some advice or help with services of some sort.

Gail - posted on 10/26/2010

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no don,t your baby needs you her mummy,things do get dificult and you don't know which way to turn,does your country not have things like benifits to help you go see a social worker to see if she can point you in the right direction to get help. there is help somewhere out there you have to find it. my heart goes out to you i truly hope you get the help you need, god bless.

Kimberley - posted on 10/26/2010

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hi girl get a hold of ya self YOU can give ya daughter everthing she need she needs u in her life and i know how hard it is to be a single parent im a single parent of 2 children a little boy of 2 n a little girl of 1 n im currntley living in my nanas 2 bed house to help her as she is disabled n its hard but im like you my kids are what makes me get up in the morning n couldent live with out then so no DO NOT give your daughter away you can do it girl i have faith in you girl n if you lived in newcastle i would loved to be there to help you

Erin - posted on 10/26/2010

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I am a single mum, my son is now six and I went thro the same thoughts with him. But I stuck it out struggled for about 3 years then things started to get better. I really think there's is nothing better for a child then to be with its mum. So my advice stick it out try some local charities for support with food clothes etc. I think that you would find it so hard of you let her go. Really trust me things will get better just stick it out a bit longer

Kate CP - posted on 10/26/2010

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Lori: So you skipped the other post, then? I love selective reading, too.

Sabrina - posted on 10/26/2010

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seek help from social support agencies
(parent drop in/housing/food bank)
find a room mate, don't give up yet.

Jaunita - posted on 10/26/2010

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Find Jesus and pray pray, but for the safety of that little girl if you do adopt her out remain in her life anyway. I will be praying for you.

Gabby - posted on 10/26/2010

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Oh Sweetheart, I too am a single Mum and was about to say come and live with me and my girls. But sadly I am in Australia, so very far away. There is so much for you to consider here but I do not believe giving up your daughter is the best thing. I do not know what is avaliable in your area but there must be some help surely. Support groups, financial assistance, free care for your daughter while you go to school or work. Your daughter needs you darling and it is easy to say but things will get better. Oh I wish you all the best and just wish there was more I could do. Please contact me if I can help.

Leslie - posted on 10/26/2010

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You may be suffering from post-partum depression. Get to a doctor and check it out. Also, I am sure that Canada has programs to help single moms and some sort of "welfare" so that you won't have to eat only one meal or two meals a day. Sit down, THINK, and then think some more. If your daughter is given up, you may regret this the rest of your life. NOTHING IS FOREVER and circumstances change.

Julie - posted on 10/26/2010

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Yes..you have be to determined...you have to be willing to be the one to go without new clothes so your child can go to dance lessons because there are something the government wont pay for and your child will want to do like the "other kids" so you will sit an watch her dance while your bra is held together is held together with safety pins and she will have no idea that you ate rice everyday lunch for to months to pay for her recital fees. ...but you see all of the "free money" and programs that are out there to help you don't prepare you for when your five year old says "for Christmas I want clothes with the tags still on them" Everyone says yes you can do it. And yes you can... But it all boils down to what kind of life you you want for you and your child...
My sister was given the glorious gift of motherhood due to the unselfishness of a young woman who had a 22 month old child and knew she would not be able to provide a good life for two and so when she found herself pregnant with a second she loving put her baby into my sister arms and that little girl will be loved and raised by an amazing family...There is nothing noble about suffering as a child and nothing horrible about adoption.

Heather - posted on 10/26/2010

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Where at do you live? There is help out there for single mothers.
When I was 18 I got pregnant with my son and I was also a single mother. I went and got daycare assistance and got myself a job. I did live in income based housing and I struggled but things do get better. If you truely feel that you can do this you can.. I know because I went through the same thing. Just get yourself into church and pray and God will show you the way..

Janie - posted on 10/26/2010

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I am not sure of how things work in Nova Scotia. If you can get help, financially and medically, keep your reason for living, Kayla. My kids keep me going, and I have never regretted keeping them together with me. Yes, I had to ask the government for help--I got Medicaid for them and food stamps. It wasn't easy, but I did it to keep them.
A mother's love is a strong thing. I know you stated you are not religious, but with God, all things are possible. Let go and Let God. There, and only there, will you find peace, as well as an answer. I will keep you and Kayla in my prayers.

Melissa - posted on 10/26/2010

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I know you have got a lot of advice on this, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I am a mother of 4 children and I couldn't imagine life without them. My sister was about a month away from giving her baby up for adoption though and it was hard on us all. There are lots of jobs that you can do from home so that you don't have to leave your angels. I have a lot of friends up there in Canada that make a Very nice income and they never have to leave home. If you would like me too, i would be more than happy to put you in touch with them. since you can't trust your family and it doesn't sound like daycare is an option, This might be something you would want to look in to. Let me know. Keep that precious girl next to you, and let her know how much you love her. Never give up, for that is just the time the tide will change!

Amy - posted on 10/26/2010

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After reading what a couple other people have said about your friend adopting your daughter, I agree with them. It would be incredibly difficult to watch her grow up calling someone else Mommy. It would break your heart. Start looking into the possibility of relocating to a different area that may have more to offer. It may be hard at first, but it's a good idea. Do whatever you have to in order to make things work. Because once you sign those papers, adoption is final. You can always have your friend or a trusted family member take custody of her temporarily. A different friend of mine did that with her son because she was battling an alcohol problem. She's been sober for almost a year now and finally getting her life back on track and expecting her second child. She will be regaining custody of her son next year. Everything will work out in the end. Don't give up.

Teresa - posted on 10/26/2010

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Nellie,
there are women that do this day in and day out and still make it. but u have to be determind to do so. have u talked to your friend about just keeping her until u get on your feet.you two can put it in writting n have it noterized. so you still will be active in her life

Lori - posted on 10/26/2010

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I forgot, about putting your daughter up for adoption, DON'T! As bad as the times are right now, you WILL survive! Just hang on.

Tania - posted on 10/26/2010

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My heart goes out to you, and although I know you stated you are not religous, I will definitely say a prayer for you and your daughter. I haven't read a whole lot of the replies yet, so I'm not sure if someone else has already suggested this, but there are numerous options out there that would allow you to still be a part of your daughter's life. Have you thought about or looked in to open adoption? Also, if you really want your friend to raise her, have you looked in to giving her custody of your daughter through the court system? (I'm assuming your laws there are basically the same as they are here in the US).

Ana - posted on 10/26/2010

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I hear your pain and sadness and desperation. What about getting your friend to foster her instead until you are back on your feet and can take her back. Desperation makes us do desperate things which we might regret in the long run. You are thinking about your baby girl and what's best for her, and I believe you are what's best for her - her Mommy. Fostering would work, as you would still have contact with her as often as you want, and if you then decided after some time you did want her to be adopted, or you wanted to take her back, with a clearer heart and mind you could make the right decision.
I also recommend you find some support for your self. This is a large life decision.
Good luck and all best for you and your little girl. Keep her safe and keep yourself safe.

Lori - posted on 10/26/2010

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That's not fare Kate Capehart! How can you say "...but you can afford an internet connection and a computer?" ? The computer was maybe a gift from someone, or she could be using a friends computer. Listen Nellie, I don't know much on Canada rules & regulations but aren't there program other than what you're on to assist you? Check with the county court house, if there is a county program of sorts. I am living in Wisconsin, USA, and unemployed. My daughter is special needs and receives SSI from Federal and State, we get food stamps every month and if neded can go to the food shelf. Though I have never had too, a friend of mine has & I took her there as she had no gas for her van. She got a lot of stuff, but then there are 4 in her family. See what you can find out. Wish I could help.

Sheila - posted on 10/26/2010

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i felt the same as u did when me and my daughters dad broke up, my whole world came crashing down an i didn't think i was going to be able to do it all on my own. i kept telling myself she would be better of without me that there was someone else out there who would look after her better than i ever could. but at the end of the day i just couldn't do it!! i couldn't b without her she is my world, my whole life revolves around her, she's 18months old now and is the happiest little girl, when i used 2sit and cry an feel like i was all alone she was the 1who picked me back up! she'd come over 2me and give me a hug cos i was crying! those are the hugs that make it all worth while!!
ur brother needs help if he tried 2harm ur baby an ur absolutely rite 2have nothing 2do wit any of them!! any1 who would do that doesn't deserve 2be apart of both ur lives!! u r both better of without them!!
i know ur thinking of adoption cos u think it would be better for kayla an i can understand where ur coming from wit that but what about u?? u love her so much that it will tear u apart!! ul spend d rest of ur life wondering how she is, whats shes doing, u wont b there 4her first words, her first birthday, her first steps even her first day at school!! and even letting ur friend adopt her can u imagine how hard that will be, what if u hear kayla calling her mama, or what if ur friend decided to move away ul never see her! u could end up loosing ur friend and ur daughter.
i think she is better off wit u...u have already said ur doing everything u can 2provide 4her...my advice is keep up the hard work and when she's older and all grown up ul look back and think thank god i didn't go through with it!! although i know its not going to be easy its going to be hard but nothing in life is ever easy but once u and ur little lady are happy together thats what matters!!

i hope whatever u choose to do makes u both happy and u live ur life with no regrets

Nicole - posted on 10/26/2010

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If your friend is willing to adopt your baby would she be willing to be a temporary foster parent? I can say with almost complete certainty that if you give your baby up for adoption you will regret that decision for the rest of your life. I think too that giving her up for adoption to a friend could prove to be a very bad idea. How will you feel when you here her calling your friend mommy? It will make you crazy. And I don't think it is the best thing for her. You are the best thing for her poor or rich as long as you love her. If you get to the point where you have no where to live and you have to live on the street than that would be when you would give her up for adoption. You can do it if you put your mind to it. Even if you are not religious go to a church they will help you and if one doesn't go to another one. Would your friend let you and your baby stay with them? You can get out of your lease. I have done that before myself. You can do it using the strength of your love for your daughter!!! I live in Saskatchewan and I know it would be a big move but things are a lot cheaper here and there is a lot of support, a lot!!! And it is easy to find jobs. If you aren't tied down with family where you are do what you can to move. I have heard that it is very expensive in Nova Scotia and very hard to find a job and they have a very low minimum wage. Look into all the different provinces and what they offer. Right now for 2 kids we get about $500 dollars just for baby money every month. We would get about $100 less if we only had one. We also get about $140 for GST checks every 4 months. And there are so many groups and places that offer support emotionally and financially.

Sam - posted on 10/26/2010

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Ok, where to start, firstly i will say i was 19 when i had my 1st child, it wasn't planned, and people will be annoyed at this, but it wasn't wanted either. Anyway, i had no help at all, i felt like i was going out of my mind, i thought no-one would ever want me, because i had a child, i went through over two years thinking of giving her up for adoption, then feeling guilty that i could even think about it. But in the end i decided that i would make sure i gave her a good life, i got a job, which helped with my self asteem, and money. I started to make friends, and those people helped me through. Then through work i met my now husband, we have been married now for 8 and a half years, and he brings my daughter up as his own. Im not bragging, but just want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, things will get better, and you will get through. If you do give Kayla up for adoption, then you would need to think seriously of what you would tell her if she found you later in life, plus giving her to someone you know would not be a good idea, because she may well do something you don't like, but you wouldnt be able to do anything about it, plus what happens if she decides to move away, you would be heart broken, giving a child up for adoption is final, i think by the way you are crying about it, suggests you don't want to do it. I know money is tight, it always was for me, still is lol, but children don't need material things, all they need is a warm bed, food, and most of all love, which it does seem to me like she is getting. I hope i havent gone on too much, i wish you all the best. btw my daughter is called Kayla too, good name choice ;) Sam xxx

Amy - posted on 10/26/2010

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I understand the struggling part. I'm married and my husband works full time and we still have a hard time paying the bills. I live in Wisconsin, and luckily we have a program here called WIC. It supplies formula and food for the first 5 years of your child's life. Now it's only supplemental, but every little bit helps. Do some research. Are there any programs available in your community? Food pantries are great places to get some food in the house. One of my best friends contemplated adoption with her second daughter. She had a family picked out and everything. When she was born, she changed her mind. She couldn't give her up. She was worried about the same things you are. Use adoption as your last resort. If you do decide to do that, you can do what's called an open adoption. Where you still get to see her and receive pictures of her and updates and everything throughout her life. Talk to a local adoption counselor about the possibility of your friend adopting your daughter, should you decide to take that route. Do you live at home with your parents and brother? If so, I suggest getting out of there asap. The fact that your brother would physically hurt her sends off huge red flags. He needs to talk to someone because that is definitely early signs of what could turn out to be really dangerous behavior. Your parents should NOT be supporting him, they should be seeking help for him. I wish you the best of luck. Make sure you really think about your decision before you do anything. In the end, it is what's best for her. I really hope for you and her both, you can find a way to make things work. Just remember, ultimately, it's your decision to make.

Carol - posted on 10/26/2010

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Nellie, I too am a single mum doing it all on my own. I have been a since mum for 4 years, 10 months & I have a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent daughter that is the way she is & it's all down to me, no-one else! & for the fantastic child that she is, the love that I get back from her . . . through me just being there to love & support, nuture & cherish her . . . is truely amazing & I wouldn't change it for the world!
she was only two weeks old when my husband ran off with our neighbour (one of my so-called best friends at the time) & have been left to do it all on my own ever since. he sold the house so I ended up homeless & rather than go into a B&B as that's all the council were prepared to do at the time, I ended up being forced into private rent as I could not live or allow my daughter of 10 months at that time to be put into that situation! I am still struggling now, I've no job, I have to live off income support as also for health reasons I'm too unwell to work at present, there are some days that I also don't eat just so I can make sure my daughter has all that she needs or that I can put the heating on. I have bailiffs knocking but they can't get blood out of a stone!
but I have my daughter with me & that for me is the best thing in the world! :) she has love, support, constant guidance, routine, disicipline & lots & lots of fun play time & hugs xx . . . & that is all that she really needs! if you love your daughter as much as I believe you do & you can give all that to her, then I know you'll be fine & she will help you through all the bad times! it's not what you can buy her xx deep down you will know what you need to do & from what I get from what you have put is that you don't really want to give her up, you just want some love & support yourself xx I may be wrong & you feel that giving her up is the correct thing to do but I wouldn't give her to your friend, if you go down the adoption route, I would make sure it is with someone you don't know or have any contact with as it would only torture you to see her xx
I know where you are coming from on this & I totally understand the running away from this cruel world but for me, what makes this cruel world bearable . . . is having my daughter by my side, no matter how hard things are at times . . . you can do it!
I hope this has helped you in some way xx lots of love & hugs

Karen - posted on 10/26/2010

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Honey, I know this is hard and just the thought of trying to do something so hard for your daughter shows what a good mom you are. Your friend who is trying to adopt may be the answer but I would stress having an open adoption is something that should be thought of and dealt with both legally and emotionally to make sure you both know what to expect and know what will be needed for Kayla to be happy. Perhaps your friend could even just help you out for a little while as you get on your feet? I do not know where you live or what your faith is, but I also hope you will go to a nearby church that can offer support and guidance for nearby financial support and job references in the area as well as childcare. My heart and love go out to you and Kayla. I know you will find the way forward.

Latina - posted on 10/26/2010

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It seems hard now. I gave guardianship of my daughter to my brother because I felt the same way you do. She was well taken care of and I never worried about her well-being. I have had her with me since she was 14 and even though I thought it was the best thing for her at the time, I see now that all she wanted was to be with me whatever that entailed. She is 17 and about to graduate high school. Do what you have to do to protect your baby but don't give her up.

Diane - posted on 10/26/2010

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If you say you are trying to make things better, then keep her. If you are only having a rough time right now it will get better and you will regret if you just quit.

Cece - posted on 10/26/2010

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Nellie, I would also like to add that alot of people say to go to the churches not to receive spiritual help but financial help. I am not Catholic but the Catholic church has paid my gas bill once and they often have food pantries, clothing assistance, housing and bill assistance and you do not have to be a part of any religion to receive the assistance. Please dont rule the churches out as a place to help.

Jane - posted on 10/26/2010

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Hang in there and Dont give Kayla up. No matter what u r goin through you state that you love ur daughter. The best thing for her is her mothers love. If u are in debt get advice from the citizens advice bureau. If you give her up what would be your reason for getting up in the morning. The hard times wont last forever. good luck. x

Cathy - posted on 10/26/2010

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Do you have a Pastor or Priest that you could talk to about all of this? Even if you do not you can still go to any Church & they will talk to you. If you do put her up for adoption would you consider an a open adoption so you could still see her? You really need to talk to someone about this before you do anything else. You will be in my prayers. Please keep us updated. I really do care.

Wanda - posted on 10/26/2010

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Keep her. It's SO hard. I get it. I went through it, being a single mom. Dad was NEVER involved. He never even met her. BUT, i know that I would have never forgiven myself if I had given her up. That was actually never even a choice for me. I figured, it's a blessing that GOD gave me, and he wouldn't have given her to me if he knew I couldn't take care of her. He loves children SO much to do that...

Try calling DES or any other government program in your city. There HAS to be one that takes care of mothers in your situation, and especially, that takes care of children. Food stamps, jobs, housing....they'll do that for you. PLEASE try those options first. no matter how good a person or persons adopt your child, you'll always have to live with that. And like someone else posted earlier, if you get to a point where you are much better, who knows how you will feel then.

Joanne - posted on 10/26/2010

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Hi There. I am so sorry that your brother did what he did to your daughter. He knows better then that. Years ago I put my new born daughter up for adoption.
It was so hard to do it. So please think more about all this. My daughter is 31 years old now and I sit and think about all the things I missed out on with her.
Sometime adoption is better for some. But you talk like you really care and love your daughter so please give it some more time. Because God is looking out for you and your daughter . Have you looked at open adoption? How wood your friend feel about a open adoption ? That way you could still be in your daughter's life. But please if you do this I would say go with a open adoption for you and your daughter. And make sure the person keeps it that way. So you could see how she is doing and how well they are taking care of her . Always stay a part of your daughter 's life. Never give that up.
sach11@bellsouth.net Please email me any time and if I can help you in any way please let me know.
Joanne

Marybeth - posted on 10/26/2010

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You may apply for state support wich includes food stamps and help with your rent.You have to swallow your pride if that's what's in your way. You will get back on your feet eventually.I remember when my daughter was a baby I had to go on state help.My job would only pay for daycare.I wasn't rich but my daughter & I who now is 18 are very close.Ask for state help. Food stamps are in all states. Good luck!!!!

Ruth - posted on 10/26/2010

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Whatever your decision do what is best for your daughter. If you allow her to be adopted by your friend it know it will be your friend who raises her. Ask if you could have an open adoption. One in which you get updates as to how she is doing and pictures. One where you let her know you love her. A child needs to know this even if there adoptive parents are loving and kind. Only you could decide what is best for your daughter. I for one cannot imagine going hungry let alone wondering where my child's next meal will come from. You will be in my prayers and God bless you for choosing to do what is best for your child.

Lisa - posted on 10/26/2010

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Sweetheart I feel your pain and can relate. I was a single mum too ( currently with the dad of my youngest 2 but we are splitting up) and I struggled like you are now. May I suggest that you contact citizens advice as they can put you in touch with affordable housing, womens refuge etc. I really feel that you need to speak to someone. Hon your daughter needs you so much and you need her. Whatever you decide is obviously the best choice for you but please think real hard and talk to someone, a counsellor, social worker anyone. I dont have my oldest with me because I left him with my mother while I sorted out a flat for us etc etc and gave her additional guardianship. She took full custody without my knowledge (I signed papers not understanding what they were) and now I have spent the last 8 years fighting to get him back. Feel free to add me as a friend if you wanna chat further. I am not an expert but i am always willing to listen and wil help where I can. Good luck hon and if you decide to adoopt your daughter if you are able to get your mate to have her at least that way you have an input in her life and can see her every day. You take care.

Barbara - posted on 10/26/2010

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Nellie,

I left with my son when he was just 14 months old and I had $16.40 to my name (my husband had cleared out my personal checking & savings accounts without my knowledge). I had NO ONE, but I stayed in a safe house, and looked for a job. My first job only paid $2.75 an hour (yes, this was many years ago now), but I laid out a budget (just write down everything that you have to pay for in the order of importance - place to live, car (or bus fees), electricity, etc. Then I figured out that I had $3.64 a day to live off of and we did. I still can't tell you how. I never got public assistance (they counted the money that my parents gave me for the lawyer as income), but DO NOT GIVE UP.

I too spent long hours in tears wondering how I would make it through the next day...but take it day by day. ANY church will be willing to help you.

I wish you all the luck that you need to make it through this very difficult time in your life. Try to smile because Kayla needs that from you.

God bless.....

Terri - posted on 10/26/2010

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I feel for you deeply and understand that you want to provide a good life for your child. But think long and hard about choosing to give her up. prayers are with you.

Alejandra - posted on 10/26/2010

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You may want to also consider temporary foster care. Foster care, working properly, is designed to provide a temporary home for the children while the parent gets back on her feet. If you are truly dedicated to keeping your daughter, but simply cannot handle all the responsibilities, then perhaps you can place Kayla in foster care for a few months. An acquaintance of mine did this, much to everyone's horror, but then got her kids back after 2 months - the kids were okay and the mother was in a much better mindset.

Michele - posted on 10/26/2010

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that is a decision only you can make .It is great that you have a friend in mind but remember they may not qualify to be an adoptive parent. I would talk to the child's Doctor. Maybe they have a Care Coordinater.They could help you with talking with a Therapist . Just to help you make the best choices for you and your child . you may find that all you need is a little support .And there is Open adoption where you stay in touch with your child. Also before you would be able to put the child up for adoption the farther has a legal say in if she goes up for adoption or not Hope this helps Best of wishes .

Carla - posted on 10/26/2010

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As years goes by and you see people and things different. So the one you thought you had so much in common with, you find out you do not. The only one and true person that can give you child the love you can is YOU. Your child will not care that you don't have what other have. Now how can you make you life better. It is a better job, better education? There is so much help out there for a single mom. Seach it out, get the help and make a good life for you and your daugther.

Jeanne - posted on 10/26/2010

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I have to add a little more of my opinion from a couple differant views & what I've expierenced. Our 2 daughters r adopted & are both private adoptions...we were in the delivery room & brought them home when they were a day a 1/2 old. The minute those babies were put in our arms they were ours...instant love. Everyday I thank God the birthmothers loved them enough to give them to us.....now as for bonding..we are raising our 3 grandchildren the oldest 9 who did bond with his mom, the 8 year old bonded with us more & the 5 year old bonded with us also. It seems no matter what their mother has done or she treats them the 9 year old is tight with her, the other 2 love her but it's grandpa & I they come to first. A child who has so totally bonded with their mother at birth will never totally bond at a later age so I would try & find help & use adoption as a last resort. That little girl will never forget u.

Samantha - posted on 10/26/2010

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Hun, I really feel for you but want to say that you can do this with or withour support. i was on my own with my son from 3 months as his dad was physically abusive to me. I struggled and was broke and at times thought the same as you, that my son would be better of elsewhere. But I stuck at it and made it through. he is now 5 and very happy. Of course the final decision has to be yours but my advice is love your baby and you'll manage. think of the bigger picture and how you would feel in 5/10/20 years time if you were to have her adopted. There are plenty of support groups out their for single mums which are wonderful and soon you will meet others in your position and form great friendships. Be strong and watch your baby sleeping, there is nothing more wonderful. Good luck, you can do it.

Gerriann - posted on 10/26/2010

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NELLIE I ONE TIME GAVE UP A CHILD AND THAT WAS A HARD DECISION THOUGH I WAS ONLY 18 YEARS OLD AND EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW THE PERSON ITS NOT EASY AS YOU THINK BELIEVE ME YOUR FRIENDS NOW BUT ONCE SHE ADOPTS YOUR CHILD YOU THINK YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS GONNA BE THE SAME I DONT THINK SO CAUSE ONCE THAT HAPPENS THINGS WOULD CHANGE SHE KNOWS THAT IF SHE ADOPTS YOUR CHILD AND YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND DOWN THE ROAD TO GET HER BACK ITS YOUR DECISION HEY IM A SINGLE MOM BUT ILL BE DAMN IF I DO THAT ALL OVER AGAIN CAUSE IT ALMOST KILLED ME DOING THAT WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OLD AND I AGREE WITH SOME OF THESE LADIES THATS TRYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE FOR YOU TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER DEEP DOWN I DONT THINK YOU WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RAISING HER IF YOU ASKED ME SORRY TO SAY THERE ARE ALOT OF SINGLE MOMS OUT THERE THAT ARE EVEN WORSE OFF THAN YOU BUT THEY STILL HAVE THIER CHILD AND DOING WHAT THEY CAN TO PROVIDE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER FOR THAT CHILD I WISH YOU LUCK THOUGH

Julie - posted on 10/26/2010

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I want to assure you that if you want your friend to adopt your child and she is open to adopting her, you can choose her adoptive parents. Adoption is WAY different than it used to be. The birth parents gets to choose the parents of her child unless the court terminates your rights because of abuse. Also, adoption does not mean that you won't have contact anymore. Our two children were adopted and they have talked to and visited their birth parents.

What you need to do is get your child to a safe environment whether you choose to place her for adoption or not. Adoption is not abandoning your child, it is a conscience, loving choice to give her a better life than you are able to at this time.

Jayne - posted on 10/26/2010

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if your friend was to have your daughter there could be a possibility your relationship with her may change, you may visit and still have those mother instincts. as she grows and things look up for you, you may think you made a mistake a try to get her back.

Atm I'm going through immigration paperwork to move to the states to be with my fiancee, he hasn't seen our son in 6 months. I currently live with my parents who are supportive, though i rarely ask for help because i feel i'd rather do it and i enjoy it.

Every mum has good and bad days and similarly days we think our kids would be better off. I think you in my opinion this could be post natal depression and also if your not getting proper meals this can change your mood.

If people are mistreating your child tell them its inappropriate behaviour and you won't accept it.

You are doing a great job and i don't think you are inadequate, if people make it harder find help to move somewhere else.

I really think you should see someone though for your own well being but that doesnt mean your a bad mum it just sounds like depression to me.

good luck your daughter is lucky n so are you

Dawn - posted on 10/26/2010

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this would be a very hard decision for anyone to make so don't beat yourself up about it. Remember that there are people all over the world that have and raise kids without money. There are programs to help you. If Kayla really is the reason you get up in the morning, then keep getting up and trying to find a better way for you and your little girl to stay together.

Terri - posted on 10/26/2010

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hunni, don't give up yet, i've been there and thankfully i didn't, go to your doctors and ask for help explain whats going on. also talk to your health visitor as well. it sounds like you've got depression on top of your other problems. so please talk to them first xx

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