Should I put my daughter up for adoption?

Ashlee - posted on 10/26/2010

Nellie: wow, I have gone through and read everyone's post. I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was 17 I found out I was pregnant, as soon as I told my parents they kicked me out of the house. I had not finished high school yet n had 4 more months until graduation. I had NO support or help what so ever. I was sleeping in the bathrooms of different 24-hr stores every night, just so I could bathe n get ready for school the next morning. I knew nothing of the different shelters locally available to me, so I did what I felt was necessary. At 17 I gave birth to my daughter, still homeless with 1 week of school left. I would take my daughter to school with me n leave her with 6 different teachers through out the day just so I could go to class. Yes, I did finally graduate from high school. Upon graduation I moved n with my uncle n female cousin who too had a daughter. While living there with them, my uncle raped me. Months later I found out i was pregnant and immediately knew who the father was n thought of adoption for obvious reasons. Upon leaving his house I went n stayed n a shelter where my daughter n I had to sleep on the floors every night for 3 months straight. One day at the day shelter down here the security guard n I whom I had Ben talking to about my situation for a while n he was helping to supply my daughter with diapers n food, we went out on a date. A few months later we made it official, we were a couple. My daughter n I moved n with him n the very next month I gave birth to my second daughter. I can honestly say I KNOW EXACTLY HOW U R FEELING. Now we are married with a another child on the way, our first son. Trust me when I say, things will get better. If anyone would have asked me if I believed that 3 almost 4years ago I would've said heck no, but u have to have faith, n just believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just felt it n my heart to tell u my story, so u kno your not alone, n other moms have been here too.

On the other hand, I am soooo glad to see that you are receiving help from these lovely moms that know the Canadian system. Good luck, keep your head up, continue to love Kayle, she will appreciate you more in the end.

My heart n love goes out to you and your daughter.

Taylor - posted on 10/26/2010

You are an extremely strong person for even considering this. Contanct the county you live in and ask for their adoption unit and go through your options. If this is something you truely in your heart want to do, there is something called direct adoption, and depending upon if they qualify, you could designate your friend as the adoptive parent. It would be no different than if you were pregnant and condering families to chose to adopt your child. This is a HUGE decision, make sure to get some counciling before making a final decision. God bless!

Sarah - posted on 10/26/2010

do you work? is there is asst, programs in your area like foods stamps or some kind of welfare program that can help you? I understand your frustration I was a single mom once too and yes it was hard BUT i made it though and you will too. so you know GOD if so great turn to him if not you need to ask the lord to come into your heart and he will help you through this. I will pray for you that you make the right decision. cause this a decision that YOU have to make on your own.

Laura - posted on 10/26/2010

You sound like you love your daughter immensely. I can honestly say that I wasn't sure if I loved my son when I lost one job due to no sleep or when he broke something in the house. I am a victim of abuse and you are right to not talk to your brother or parents if this is what has occurred. The best parents aren't the ones who are wealthy or have everything available for their children; they are the ones who love their children and just spent time with them. Try to find free counseling, state and federal aide, food banks, etc. There are groups that help immensely. Good luck!

Sue - posted on 10/26/2010

if you really want to allow your friend to adopt Kayla make sure you find out from a lawyer that they will get her. Also there are open adoptions where you can stay in touch with your child. Do your research ! be thorough ! if your friends really want to be apart of Kayla's life then give it some deep thought. You all may be better off in the long run. You need to find a reputable adoption lawyer who won't rip you off. Your stress will be felt by your daughter. Talk with counselors. There should be a United Way in your area where you could find a professional to give you good advice. Reach out to Catholic Charities even if your not Catholic. I wish you the best. May God bless you and your daughter. May you find peace of mind and the best for the both of you.

Krista - posted on 10/26/2010

Djuna, please do not take my comment personally. There have been a few comments on this thread that were solely for the purpose of proselytizing, and the OP has stated specifically that this is not the type of help she is seeking, so I was reminding people of that.

Thank you.
Krista
WTCOM Mod

Veronica - posted on 10/26/2010

Keep your baby. there are agency out there that will help you, also food pantrys who wll supply food and things for you an your baby
family is everything but if they support the behavior your brother is possing then get rid of em. but keep your baby an pray on it,. give her and your self to God an he will make it better for you..maybe your friend can be Kayla godmother, thats a bonus so u an her can share Kayla but by no mean should you give her up

Djuna - posted on 10/26/2010

Back Up! I am not trying to push anything on anybody. I certainly would not try to push my religion on her. Her beliefs are her business. It is nothing wrong with what I sais, but you could had worded our comment in a different manner.

Brenda - posted on 10/26/2010

I would make an appointment with a counsellor and go speak to a professional. That is sad that your brother did that to her and your family supported him that is just wrong I would of reported him. I feel bad for you but there is help out there for you.

Krista - posted on 10/26/2010

Everybody, the OP has stated that she does not want this to turn into a religious thing, so pray for her if you wish, but proselytizing and using her moment of need to try to push your own religious beliefs on her? Not cool. Cut it out.

Thank you,
Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Djuna - posted on 10/26/2010

I am like the others, My heart feels for you. I dont know how ou feel about Prayer but it works. Others has already given the suggestions I would had given. I didnt read enough to find out comments on your brother, but since he is of age, I would surely call the law on him. He has no right to try to her your child no matter what the reason, there is NO reason for anyone to hurt any child. I pray or your parents too, they allow it! Babygirl, keep your daughter, move to a place where there are places to help. I had my first a 15 so i can almost relate to our situation. Please have faith, stand strong, if you love her and will do everything for her like you said, you can make it because you are determined. You are not being selfish. Much love to you.

Heather - posted on 10/26/2010

Hi Nellie,

I have only just read your post. I just wondered how things were going now and what assistance you'd managed to find. I wish you all the best; life can be a struggle, but our beautiful children make everything worthwhile, and indeed, anything possible.

Jennifer - posted on 10/26/2010

No- do not do it. Please. There is alot of help out there, trust me. Even if you have to run away with her- do not leave her.

Wendy - posted on 10/26/2010

You have received a lot of posts, and I have not read them all. But, I will share from the perspective of an adoptive parent. I PRAISE GOD for the remarkable woman who blessed me with my son. We were connected through an agency when she decided to give him to a family of her selection because she knew she could not take care of him. I have known I was barren since 19 years old and was 36 when God blessed me with my son. I spent my twenties miserable, thinking I'd be childless forever. Adoption is a very honorable thing to consider. In the Bible, what would have happened to the nation of Israel if Moses' mother had not given her precious baby boy up for adoption? Moses was educated in Egyptian practices so God could use him to mightily bring out the people of Israel. Sometimes, the choice of adoption can bless a nation! As an adoptive parent, one day I look forward to hugging my son's courageous birth mother and laughing, perhaps together, as he gets his high school, college, etc. degrees and succeeds in life! We are not in contact now other than she requested that my husband and I send her pictures and developmental updates on each of my son's birthdays. But, when my son is ready and wants to, we will see if she is willing (hopefully so!) to enter back into his life as part of his extended family. Children can NEVER have too many loving adults!!!! I am praying for you. Either way, you'll be blessed. Of this, I am confident.

Mary - posted on 10/26/2010

I agree wholeheartedlly with Sara. Consider the long term consequences and not the short term pain/frustration. There is a lot of help out there. WIC, other government programs, even a local church could be a tremendous help to you. Don't give up on yourself! And, especially, don't give up on your daughter.
My prayers are with you.

MARY - posted on 10/26/2010

MY QUESTION IS ... YOUR BOTHER LIVE WITH YOU? DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER ? IN GENERAL KIDS ARE A BLESS ! I HAVE 3 > TWO BOYS AND ONE GIRL > MY DAUGHTER IS THE OLDES AND SHE WAS 21 YEARS WHEN SHE LEFT MY HOUSE TO BE INDEPENDENT ! ONE OF MY BOYS IS 18 AND THE OTHER ONE IS 15 AND THE STILL LIVING IN MY HOUSE.. I'M A VERY PROUD MOTHER...
MY SUGESTION IS WHEN UR BROTHER TRY TO HURT ONCE AGAIN YOUR DAUGHTER CALL THE POLICE.. AND TAKE OUT OF YOUR MIND TO PUT IN ADDOPTION YOUR DAUGHTER... PRAY TO LORD TO CLEAR YOUR MIND.. GET SOME HELP..
EVEN I'LL TRY TO ADOPT A BABY GIRL... I FEEL SO LONELY, MY HUSBAND WORK TO MUCH, MY KIDS ALWAYS ARE INVOLVE IN SO MANY SCHOOL ACTIVITIES.. SO I NEED COMPANY.. SO I'M PLANNING TO ADDOPT A GIRL....

Angie - posted on 10/26/2010

Rather than adoption if you truly love your daughter, reach out for help from your community. Social service organizations can help you with everything from paying bills to getting food for you and your daughter. She would be eligible for WIC and many other services. I work in social services and this is what we are here for. Please reach out to those that can help. Reaserch your local department of public welfare office instead of adoption if you truly want to keep your daughter. They can even help with furthering your education and job assistance. There is help out there!

Loralie - posted on 10/26/2010

I know you are going without a lot of your needs. My first question would be, is your daughter healthy? It is obvious she is loved. As long as she is healthy and loved, there is hope. Get out there and look for assistance programs that will train you for employment and help you get back on your feet. It will not be an easy road, but in the end it will be very much worth the effort!

Valerie - posted on 10/26/2010

Hi Nellie,
I did not read all the replies as there are so many so I might be repeating what others have said but I still wanted to add my own opinion.

I believe from what you have written that you love your Kayla and that is the one thing a child needs, love from a mother. The rest will place itself as needed. As many people have said there are many resources. Kayla only has one mother and that is you. In Québec we have CLSC that can inform you about all the resources available to you, do you have something like that where you live?

I believe you said Kayla is 4 months old. You need to let yourself heal, you just had a baby, if you are a bit like me after my pregnancies your hormones are all up and down, you're not sleeping, don't take a decision right now, give yourself time. There is no need to rush, it will not be too late for her to get adopted if that is what she is born to live. I read in a book: only take decisions when you are well rested, we always regret those we take when we are tired.
Please take your time, this is such an important decision.

Good luck to you Nellie,
Sending you all positive thoughts

Yvette - posted on 10/26/2010

Do you know Jesus? He has the answer to your problem. Dear father God may you help this woman in need. Jesus show her that when we put our problems in your hands you take care of it all and give peace. Lord you have showed me and I am asking Lord from deep within my heart that you show this woman, this mother that is lost. Father I will give you the Glory and the Honor for your works that you do in this woman. Also that once she sees your hand at work that she will know it was from your hands Lord and she too gives you the Glory. Father I ask this in your loving son's name Jesus Christ Amen.

Pat - posted on 10/26/2010

I don't know where you live But you need to go to The Hope Center in Woodstock,Ga. They can help you and it's free.....

Stephanie - posted on 10/26/2010

BTW a church is simply a support group that can really help you. Churches have changed and come a long way. They are not all about RELIGION. Teenagers today, need to open their minds and look deeper into reality. TV, MUSIC, POP stars...not reality. Church, cimmunity, real people, real life, problems....REALITY!

Amy - posted on 10/26/2010

Nellie, I just saw your post this morning. Divine providence I guess. I am so sorry first and for most that you are struggling so badly. I would recommend that you go to your local Crisis pregnancy center. They have many, many resources for women. It is not just for women who are pregnant but also for those young mothers who are struggling. They can connect you and point you in the right direction. They will help you and counsel you and between the two of you I know that you will come to make the decision that is right for you and your sweet little daughter.

Jamie - posted on 10/26/2010

There are places to get help with food. Some churches have food banks and they will help everyone regardless of income. See if there is a pregnancy center in your area they have programs to help. I would not give her up. I have had hard time myself but I know that I can make it with a little help.

Stephanie - posted on 10/26/2010

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR DAUGHTER!!! You are the best thing for her no matter how badly you feel. You need to seek help from community ressources and outside help immediately. I have three children, live away from any of my family and friends and essentially have also brought up my kids alone. You can do it. She is part of your body and soul. Call Family and Children's services, or a church. Bite your pride in the ass and look outside of the people who are in your current circle and make a new one. It's hard to talk to strangers, but there are people who can help you. DO Not give up your child, you will never forgive yourself.

Nellie - posted on 10/26/2010

laura, im spiritual but not religous. there is a huge difference. im against church but i do believe in a higher power. at the same time, i understand why everyone keeps telling me to go to church. thats where they personally find comfort and want to pass it on and i appreciate the intentions, church/organised religion is just not my thing. but i didnt want this topic to really turn into a religion thing.

sorry, natacha, i just can't seem to get past this, how do i seem younger then 18? if its my spelling, im typing with one hand because im playing with my daughter at the same time.

Kelly - posted on 10/26/2010

I feel for you. Raising a child is the hardest thing in the world to do and doing it without support and finical difficulties makes it worse.
But it is worth it.
Go on welfare, get food stamps, check into a women and children living facility, find a local church with outreach programs. There is help out there. You do not have to be alone.
You can build a better life for you and your daughter. You were given this child, she is not with you by accident.
Best Wishes and God Bless.

Nellie - posted on 10/26/2010

Natacha, I'm 19

Laura Zoey - posted on 10/26/2010

Whether or not Nellie even believes in God hasnt been established anyways. And it doesn't really matter, we pray because he can help her even if she does not believe he is there. That's the beauty of God, he loves all of us even if we are denying his existence, that's what a dad does after all, it's called unconditional fatherly love. That's who God is.

Patricia - posted on 10/26/2010

What about an open adoption where you could still be a part of your child's life. Please look into that.

Jane - posted on 10/26/2010

dont ever give up your child.....youll regret it later on in life....i know what im talking about.......GOOD LUCK!!!!

Kay - posted on 10/26/2010

Dear mom.....I to had thought about putting my son up for adoption and by not doing it i thought I was being selfish, but, you know, I'm so glad I was selfish because my son is now married and I'm going on being a grandmother the second time. Yeah, I know its hard at times and you feel like giving up, but to give your daughter up to your friend would not separate you from her, it would only make you long for her more but, then you wouldn't have her to hold. Hang in there, pray to God because when you get right down to it God is the only one you can trust and lean on to get you through those times of indecisions. I do agree to keep your daughter away from you brother and if he doesn't then you have no other choice but to turn him in to the authorities. Find yourself a good bible-beliving church where you can be surrounded by God's people that will take you into their arms and hearts and you can receive encouragement and help in your time of need. Above all, give it all to God, because he cares for you and loves you and your daughter and has a better life for you. God Bless

Renee - posted on 10/26/2010

Nellie,
When i was 19, I am 31 now, i gave my daughter up for adoption to a family friend and have seen her at every major milestone. She knows who I am and our exact relationship. I just recently (7.5 months ago) had my second child and we have another on the way. I can't say that it is the easiest thing to do, but I can tell you that it's something that you should sit down and talk to someone about. Usually a neutral 3rd party that can take an unbiased look at everything. Message me if you have any questions.

Amie - posted on 10/26/2010

I'm going to look at this from a different perspective. I am a foster parent and love my foster children with all my heart and would do anything for them. I did know the children's mother before they came into my care. The children have regular contact with their mother and send/receive gifts at christmas and on birthdays. Rather than having your friend adopt your daughter she could become your daughters foster carer.(here that is called kinship care) That way you will have regular contact, your friend will have the chance of raising a child and you will have a better chance of getting a job and getting your life together. I think you are thinking about your child and it is very important for her future development that both she and you know that she is safe and getting everything she deserves.

Cathy - posted on 10/26/2010

hang in there and get some help for yourself as you sound like you need to sort your head out before you make such a massive decsion. It sounds like you really love your littlle one - can your friend help you out with your child as opposed to adopt your child.

Natascha - posted on 10/26/2010

Little Darling,
Don't be afraid. You had the strength to bring this little babe into the world and you have the strength to care for her. Do not doubt yourself. Take the energy from the words coming across to you, from the experience of all these moms who have been touched by your cries. I know the fear you are facing, and one is only faced by this decision when there love is deep enough. You are right to think your situation may not be the best for your daughter, but in time it will become just what you need it to be...you will find all that you need within yourself. I can see it in your words. You know where the dangers are. Tell your brother to back off. Its hard to face the family failures but you already recognize them and you have to stand up for yourself. You need to find a strong group of support. I know its not easy, and by the sound of it you are younger than eighteen. Sweetheart you have had to give up your teenage years, that in itself will cause so many emotions that will be hard to gain control over. All women go through a great loss of identity no matter what age. For you, you have barely had time to grow. Keep writing, stay open. When you are scared reach out as you have, and please please take all help that comes your way. And enjoy the love your baby reaches out with everyday. A babies best key to survival and to a successful future...is love.
My daughter is seven now, I have always been a single mother. She is my angel. I wouldn't change a thing. But I know how hard the hard days are, please stay strong..I know you will.....YOU CAN DO THIS.

Carol - posted on 10/26/2010

i think you seem a little depressed and no wonder with what is going on . i it were me i think i would keep my girl as you ove her very much and your friend could help you to bring her up as her own to better two mums than none

Nikki - posted on 10/26/2010

I really feel for you. I think if we are all honest a lot of Mums go through similar feeling about would our baby be better without me. I did, however I had post natal depression with all 3 of mine. Maybe it is worth a visit to the Doctor to get checked out that you are not suffering from this. In England we have health visitors do you have the same thing? They can also put you in touch with other people like you in your area. Before you make a decision please consider all options.
Take care x

Anthea - posted on 10/26/2010

spot on Jane

Jane - posted on 10/26/2010

sounds like some baby blues here. go to a womans criss place and talk to someone in person, theres been some nasty comments on here and you are reaching out. I know how i felt when I gave up my daughter. CRAP!!! she's 40 now. my heart acs all the time. seek out some help and talk about it. hon there is so much help out there for you , reach out in person. And so what you have internet. that was nasty. pull your socks up , put on a big girl face and go get some help. shower,eat and breath. take care :)

Debbie - posted on 10/26/2010

Hi Nellie

I am in NZ and a director of singleparents.org.nz which is a NZ single parents forum offering advocacy and support to single parent families. I have just looked online and found www.pwpcanada.com in Canada. PLEASE RING THEM - TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON AND ASK FOR HELP! Dont give up your daughter, the thing she needs most in her life is a Mother who loves her - everything else doesnt rate. She will tell you that when she grows up and she will love you even more for what you sacrificed to keep her. I know it is hard - I have been where you are - but you will get through this and you will be pleased that you chose not to break your own heart and hers by keeping her. Debbie

Jane - posted on 10/26/2010

Hi Nellie. I always admire single moms. Pray and get your strength from God. He wouldn't let you down. If there's a christian church nearby, i suggest that you be part of it. A spiritual family would enlighten and help you a lot. God bless you & Kayla :)

Anthea - posted on 10/26/2010

Hang in there lady, things will get better. I know when my Jonny was 4 months it felt like the world was totally against me. You just have to pull through this one and you will find the strength.

All the best

Christi - posted on 10/26/2010

First off, I applaud you for thinking of what is best for your child. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I could make a decision either. It might help if you are able to talk to other families that have adopted children or other moms that have given their children up for adoption. It might help to have all the facts and if at the end of the day you are doing everything you can and are still not able to properly care for you daughter, then you might be doing the best thing possible for her. I will pray for you.

Tonya - posted on 10/26/2010

ok I lost my job, then got hit by a car, lost my husband, and car and still got my kids you reallly need to think hard about this.... even though its your friend things can happen and what if they move and take her and you never get to see her agian, there is help just keep trying and pray. please

Shana - posted on 10/25/2010

you could try out open adoption where they take care of your child but you still have some rights you can still see her this way she knows who you are and then when she is old enough you can explain why oyu had to do what you had to do

Julia - posted on 10/25/2010

@ kate.. i saw it and i liked it and said it was nice and encouraging and helpful i know where you were comin from .. i know she responded to it but the situation could have been differant.. she could have been using a public computer.. just sayin :)

Liz - posted on 10/25/2010

It will be extreemly hard to give up your baby, but it is most selfless act you could do. You are a better parent for even considering it. But as far as giving up the child to a friend, that would be even harder. Im not sure how often you see each other,but I'm a parent of three and I have a hard time with others just telling my kids what to do. I believe that it would be best for the both of you if you were to give her up to interview a few couples before making your decision. You are a brave mother and I wish you all the best!!!

Becki - posted on 10/25/2010

As a birthmother, I know that this is one of the toughest decisions that you will ever make in your life. The up-side to it all is that now-a-days with adoption becoming more common-place, it probably would not be difficult to have your daughter placed with your friend as long as you have the legal assistance to do the placement and she is going through an agency or attorney. One thing that you really need to think about though it having your friend take over as the mother of your child. There are a lot of things that could potentially go wrong. Your friend may get possessive or defensive and may not want you involved anymore. You could lose your friendship if that happens. If you are truly planning on placing your child for adoption, I suggest you go to that adoption agency, talk to a counselor there and really decide what the best thing for your daughter would be. It may not be with your friend. I wish you a lot of peace and strength in whatever you decide to do.

Marie - posted on 10/25/2010

Yes if you are telling the truth.