Should I put my daughter up for adoption?

Nellie - posted on 10/21/2010 ( 361 moms have responded )

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My daughter is four months old and this isn't the first time I've thought about this. I love my daughter, she is my reason for living, she is the only reason I get up in the morning. I feel like I would die without her, but I also feel like I'm being selfish. I am a single mom with absolutely no one to help me. When I say I'm doing this thing solo, I mean it! My brother has tried to physically hurt my daughter, Kayla, and my parents have supported this behaviour so I have nothing to do with them. My brother is 18, so yes, he does know better. Right now I am so broke that I usually only eat once a day, sometimes two. I have tried everything to make things better. And it's not a matter of me struggling, because I would go through this a million times for Kayla. I'm worried that my daughter would be better off without me. I hae a friend who is in the process of trying to adopt a child, and I know here extremely well, and we have the exact same views on parenting, and I know that my daughter would have everything she would ever need with her. I've been sobbing for days because I've actually started researching adoption. I want to take my baby girl and run away from the cruel world, but I want what is best for Kayla. What should I do?





*I`ve been recieving some replies that are base on mis-understanding, so I`m editing his post and putting in more info. I do not "want" to give my daughter up. I love her more then life itself and would definitely regret it and I would NEVER be able to get past that. BUT this is not about my feelings. This is about what's best for my daughter. Also, frequently asked questions: I'm 19, have my own appartment, am not religous. Oh, and I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada.

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361 Comments

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[deleted account]

I am not in Canada, but I am an adoptive mom. If it weren't for moms like you I wouldn't be a mom myself. These days adoption is all about YOU. Wanting better for your child is not wrong. You need to make the best decision for her AND you. Many families now have open adoptions and even visit their children. This is not impossible or even bizarre. Talk to your friend who wants to adopt. Don't say you want her to have your daughter, just ask her what it would take for you to do it. Once again, this can be the best gift you give your child and it is an amazing thing to be able to give others the gift of parenthood. It does NOT make you a "bad" mom. It makes you an amazing, giving, unselfish, loving and incredible human being.

Nikki - posted on 10/25/2010

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I am so sorry Nellie, my god, I can't imagine what you are going through but I find it really heart breaking to read your post. I haven't read all of the other posts, I am sure you have been given some great advice and support from these ladies. I just wanted to say, don't give up on yourself, there are so many services available these days for single mothers in your situation, you need to actively seek some help. Adoption is such a big decision and a permanent one, I think it would be best to get yourself some counselling and seek advice for your financial situation before you make any decisions. There has to be other options out there for you.

I grew up with two parents in my home, but there were times where we were really poor, I remember my parents going without so I could eat, I am sure it was a huge struggle for them, but things did get better and more than anything I am thankful for their love and support, I didn't have the clothes I wanted, or the toys that everyone else had at times, but those things are not important, I had parents who loved me, which is so much better than materialistic things.

Just look into all of your options first, it is clear your daughter means the world to you, don't give up on that because of money. I really hope that you work things out. Take care and good luck.

Teri - posted on 10/25/2010

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Nellie,
I feel for you. I understand the hardship that you are going through I went through the same with my first three children and had to make the same decisson. Have you talked with your friend about an open adoption? or giving custdy to her that way you can get back on your feet? Open adoption will still allow you to see her and get pictures and things and be apart of her life. if you are seouise about giving her up to your friend maybe it will benifet everyone involed if you do an open adotion. Good luck to you

Tia - posted on 10/25/2010

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God can get you through this. I will be praying for you and your daughter. Is there any way your friend would be willing to just keep your daughter for a couple months so you can save and get back on your feet and let you come see her as often as possible? I know it would be hard for her to give her back since she's trying to adopt but if she's really a friend I would think that she would understand. There are plenty of babies that need to be adopted and if she loves your daughter she will know that the best thing for her emotionally is to be her mother. You are all your baby has ever known and to loose you after 4 months would be hard on her. I feel just awful for you. God has a plan for you and your daughter and you are not a terrible mother. He gave you your daughter for a reason and it sounds to me that you are doing everything you need to, to give your daughter what she needs.

Mea - posted on 10/25/2010

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Hiiyah Nellie, i have a friend who went through exactly the same thing that you are going through right now. She had no family or money and believed that her son would be better off without her as she thought she wasnt doing all that she could for her son. She thought about the negative things, family, money, things that he would have if he was with a better family. Children need thier mums, Kayla needs you and you need Kayla. Realise that Kayla is with the best person for her. Im from NZ so im not sure how different things are but you can apply for benifits, there they can help you with alot, there are subsidys for daycare, housing and medical. Support groups with young other young mums finding it hard or to much to handle.. Salvation army can help with alot aswel, food & housing. Adoption is something that cant be reversed, when most children get older they blame things like this on themselfs. You are an awesome Mum, who does everything she can for her child, It will get easier! The love that you get from her will be so worth it.. And if you still feel you have no one to help, we are always here :)

Jennifer - posted on 10/25/2010

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Are you and your child on WIC? If not, that should be your first step. This will provide food for you and her. There are people in this world that will do what they can and help you out and provide you with the right information. Good luck and prayer for guidance to make the right decision.

Cheryl - posted on 10/25/2010

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Talk to a private adoption agency and find out if this is what you really want for her. I honestly believe adoption is the most selfless act you could ever do. Good luck!

Vickie - posted on 10/25/2010

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Pray for guidance to make the right decision.
Don't give her up because you think she would be better off with someone else because no one on this earth could ever love her like you can. Seek help with a church or a councelor that you trust.
Don't give up.....There are too many Mothers just like you that have lost the years they will never get back because they just didn't think they could make it.
Please get help, it is out there.

Christina - posted on 10/25/2010

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Nellie through our social assistance program here in Toronto, you should contact a councillor and they should be able to help you out finding a city daycare so you can get some work and make some babysteps to making a life for you and Kayla - just call them. I know people that have gone to school (paid for by the gov't) and have had free daycare...there is help out there...have you joined the baby and me program through early years Ontario - they can help too...wishing you all the best...hold on tight to that little girl - things will get better

[deleted account]

Dorota is correct. If you apply for income assistance (welfare) you'll be given access to counselors, doctors, daycare etc. I provided a link earlier, Nellie, have you looked into it? Nonetheless, when you meet with someone at the Salvation Army, they'll explain ALL of this to you. They'll counsel you through all of it and basically show you the ropes. Don't take no for an answer. I know they REALLY helped my brother. He went through a recovery house, funded by EI, which they helped him apply for. They also provided him with temporary shelter and counseling. More recently they've helped him apply for income assistance and subsidized housing so he can get back on his feet now that he's almost done the recovery process.

Best of luck!

[deleted account]

Nellie, I'm impressed. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are seemingly doing everything that everyone has suggested and I applaud you for that. You can take that housing subsidy application to the Salvation Army - those are the exact things they'll be able to help you with.

Dorota - posted on 10/25/2010

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I will keep you in your prayers. I don't have anything to add as it seems that a lot of other mothers in similar situations who know the Canadian system have given you lots of advice. You seem well on your way to getting help. Give yourself some time to see if you can get on your feet, one thing that's great about living in Canada is that there is lots of help available to single moms, do not be ashamed of asking for it. I don't know about nova scotia but in ontario we have free medical doctor visits so if you do need to talk to a therapist about depression see if that's covered in your province. Keep your chin up, you're doing great as a mother - you're putting Kayla first and foremost- and that's what Kayla needs!

Nellie - posted on 10/25/2010

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I`m sorry, but I wish peopl would stop saying you`ll want her back. If I did give Kayla up, of course I would want her back. I wouldn`t be able tolive without her. I know that, it`s just a fact that I would never be able to go on about her. But it is not about me, never was. It`s about what`s best for Kayla. I know I would be incredibly scruwed up without her and that I would never get over it, but I need to have what`s best for my baby girl. I`m now doing everything I can to improve my situation so that Kayla is in the best environment possible. But if in a few months things keep getting worse, then I have to consider adoption because I love my daughter.

Phat Phat Mamas - posted on 10/25/2010

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Hello my name is lamesha i feel your pain but do not do it. yes it is hard but i dont think that you should do that because later on you will want her back you will always have a connection with her. my aunt has 3 kids and she went through the same thing and she is a strong women takes care of her kids and god gave her a good job and a house for her and her kids things that your brother is doing god do not like ugly i do not wish nothing on him but he should have be supporting you and not making your life harder its a lot of help out here you just have to apply yourself to it

Alicia - posted on 10/25/2010

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I think I got a copy sent to everyone that has asked for one!

Nellie- I'm glad you are looking into more help! YAY!!! I'm not sure what Healthy Beginnings is but I'm sure they can put you in contact with who ever you can help with the papers! GOOD JOB TO YOU!!!!!!!!!

Nellie - posted on 10/25/2010

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Just an update: I got a hold of the people at Salvation Army and they said tht the person who cn help me is away right now but will give me a call tomorrow. Healthy Beginings worker called me today as well and told me she`s attending training today but will call me back tomorrow. I got the package n the mail today for subsidised housing and am going to try to fill it out but I have a lot of questions `bout it. Is that something the Healthy Beginings worker could help me with?

Alicia - posted on 10/25/2010

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Laura- Thanks! It just a very private story, that I don't need plastered on the net for everyone to read! So that is why I messaged it to her!

Dana- I will send you a copy as well =]

Jen - posted on 10/25/2010

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Nellie, this is a decision that cannot be reversed, so please please think about this in depth before you do go through with it. Definitely check into every single resource available to you, and TAKE ADVANTAGE of them! I have a family member that was adopted. The birth mother let her friend adopt her. (Sounds kind of like your situation). She is a year younger than my son and when I talked to her birth mother she mentioned she wished she had never gone through with it. As it stands now, the situations are flipped. The birth mother is doing great, but the lady that adopted her daugther, is having a really hard time now. As parents, we always want what is best for our children. But it will not come to you...you have to seek it out. Please get help from your government and any assistance possible before you make that ultimate decision. {{hugs}} I will be praying for you and your little girl!

Stephanie - posted on 10/25/2010

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Wow, I totally feel for you...raising children is never easy with or without money. I suggest speaking to a person who can help you make a decision right for you and your daughter, this person should be someone who is not close to the situation. My thought is if you go through with the adoption pick open adoption so you can still have contact. If you choose to keep her, look into state help to make life a little easier for both of you. Not much help I realize, this is something that has to make you feel comfortable. I would never judge you or anyone in your situation. Good luck. I will say that you did make a good choice about leaving your family behind.

Merry - posted on 10/25/2010

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I sent her a message asking and she sent me her response. Just message her. It's worth it, a beautiful story.

[deleted account]

Alicia, now I'm curious - I'd like to know what you had to say to Nellie that you felt you couldn't say here?

Danielle - posted on 10/25/2010

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im from the uk im 23 with 2 daughters my mum was in exactly the same situation as you are she told me that when i was a baby that she used to go without food for 2 days in a row so she could feed me but she perservered and im happy to say she did a good job of bringing me up because she loved me my childhood was good and even tho ever had any money i knew i was loved and at the end of the day thats all children need could you imagine your friend taking your child away and you never seeing her again because if you have her adopted thats her right as her legal guardian

Kelina - posted on 10/24/2010

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Nellie i haven't read all the posts but i have seen you've gotten some great advice. You can contact your local ministry of adult mental health and get free counselling through there, as well as your local youth clinic. You can see about getting counselling and options through there. The fact that you changed your environment for your daughter shows incredible strength because there are a lot of people who grow up in environments like that and continue the cycle with their children. I know things feel incredibly terrible, but come tomorrow things are going to start rolling and you're going to see how much help there really is out there. family is not always the best support system, i know. My family's pretty useless as well. You can definitely do this! Let us know how it goes tomorrow!

Alicia - posted on 10/24/2010

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I have not read all the post's but I would like to put my 2 cents in. I will send you a private message, if anyone else would like to know what I have to say I will send it to you as well.

Marie - posted on 10/24/2010

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Hello Nellie, I would like to start off by saying that you are a Good Mother! It is every parents wish to see thier children happy and given he best life they can give them. Everyone goes through thngs in life and believe it or not there are other mothers/ fathers that are in the same stuation you are in if not worse. There IS hope for you and your Daughter!! I seen that some of the other ladies that posted say you live in Canada, I am not sure what province but I am sure that thereis help out there for you. Do not be shy or feel less then anyone else because you ask for help. Thats what it is there for. I can't say I know how your feeling but I feel for you. I hope you relly take your time and really think EVERYTHING through before you make your choice, even if Kayla may be put in your friends custody. Things make not look great right now but they can and will get better,you just have to keep positive and push through the tough times. If you dont mind me asking where in Canada are you from?

Merry - posted on 10/24/2010

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I just went through and read all the comments and while I do believe babies need their moms, I have to say that adoption isn't the evil most seem to think it is, you can do private adoption as you know where you actually choose the family to adopt your baby, you can choose open adoption where you get pictures, some visits, etc so you don't lose touch.
Just don't think of adoption as the bad guy, it's a beautiful. Option for some babies and honestly I see some situations where I believe the child would have been better off in an adoptive home, the love is the same between a birth mom or an adoptive mom so it's not like adoptive kids aren't getting loved! I'm not trying to tell you to give her up, I just wish more moms would see that it is a good, loving, safe, healthy option for some babies. No it's never something moms want to do but when mom knows baby needs more out of life,it's the best choice.
I know probably a hundred adopted kids at my church, they are all very lucky kids. And their birth moms gave them the gift of life.

By all means, look into your options first and try to make it work out for you two, but don't let yourself rule out adoption, if it's burning in your mind it's worth looking into as well.

I wish you could come live with me! Seriously I'd offer, but I'm in Wisconsin, but I would literally invite you here if I could. Hugs :)

Merry - posted on 10/24/2010

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When something feels 100% right for HER sake then it's right. If you are not 100% sure it's best for her then don't do it, but if you know she would be better off in a stable safe home then you have the choice to do the most loving and generous thing for her. You know how some moms have died to save their Childs life? Well that's the kid of selfless love it takes to put a child for adoption. It's the purest love ever. And the moms who choose adoption are the truly strong moms. If you can honestly say she would be 100% better in a different home, then yes you should go for it.you will always have feelings of regret or worry that you did the right thing, but if you can honestly say she is better there, then you won't regret it. You will have those selfish moments and want her back, every birth mom does, but when it is for her sake then you will always be comforted that you gave her a life.
You would die for her, so letting someone else raise her is really an easier choice I think. All you can do is what is best for her and only you know what she really needs.
My brother is adopted, and my family had 25 foster babies through the years and I can tell you those babies are SO lucky because when a mom realizes she can't conceive and chooses adoption, she has so much love stored up for that baby and it's like a match made in heaven when she gets a baby.
Don't make your choice lightly, outdent be scared into being selfish, we have to be selfless as moms, our kids deserve it. You are a good mom to be thinking this deeply into her future, a very good mom. Don't ever believe anything else.

Karen - posted on 10/24/2010

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I understand the fear you must be feeling right now. I have been through similar and from experience, I must say that it has been 4 months and you still have your daughter, you keep her and pray for the rest. Do not be scared to reach out to places in the community that may be able to help, such as churchs, community centers, etc. God will bless you and keep you and your baby girl. Things will get better but you must have faith. I have been where you are, I have not had formula, diapers, clothes, food, etc. with a newborn, however God always made a way for me and my baby to eat, obtain clothing, etc. Pray, Keep the Faith, and Reach Out.

Angelina - posted on 10/24/2010

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Just from reading your post i can feel the strength you carry in you. You are a good mom and you prove so by thinking of your daughter above yourself.
Now that being said, you need to get the heck out of dodge. Your family is always your family but they are providing a toxic enviorment for your daughter and yourself.
Many forms of public assistance is available to help get you both in a safe enviorment and up on your feet. This does not mean you will always be on welfare but by golly swollow that pride and get into your own place and provide for her yourself. Housing is always an option and has a wait list so apply today also food stamps and child care cost may be available to help you out. Churchs are another great place for child care and often have sliding fee scales based off income. I hope you have a job to pay for your daughters needs already but if not you need one and no babysitter excuses get to the department of social services and apply for child care subsidy and call churchs and local care centers. a small studio apartment is all you will need until she is older and it will be affordable for you.
Much love and prayers out for you and your daughter i hope you get stepping and do something good for the both of you.
adoption should be your last resort because you have little to no control of the situation you will be putting your daughter in and the system is full of very bad and dangerous flaws
stay strong and show your daughter what a real woman is made of you will make her into something so much more the what you could of imagined yesterday but you are in charge of doing it not your mom dad bro or the state.

Kathy - posted on 10/24/2010

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You don't need to suck it up, just take charge like you're doing and get yourselves in a safe situation.

Mel - posted on 10/24/2010

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I think you are the most amazing person ever!!! It takes alot of guts to even consider those sort of thoughts and i can see you are puting your daughter #1. For you to even consider this means you are a very strong and determined person. So i think whatever the decision, it's the right one for you.. and your beautiful Daughter (Keep your chin up!!)

[deleted account]

Nellie, while you won't be able to actually see a counselor til monday, the Salvation Army's doors are never closed. There's always someone available to help you in the right direction, even if it's just to make an appointment for monday.

Varina - posted on 10/23/2010

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Before you make this decision, get some help, there are organizations for single moms .. the first thing is to get away from anybody trying to hurt your daughter. Look in your phonebook and find a women's shelter. Talk to the people there. They will be able to help you.

Nellie - posted on 10/23/2010

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I haven`t yet, I`m going to first thing Monday morning, `cause they`re closed on Sunday aren`t they?

[deleted account]

Did you have a chance to contact your local Salvation Army? They'll tell you step by step what you need to do and what your options are.

Nellie - posted on 10/23/2010

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I have no idea where the father is, he moved and I didn`t other getting contact info because he`s not the type of person that I want in my daughter`s life. I`m gonna keep trying to get through this. At the very least, exhaust every option possible including all the ones mentioned here. If, after that I still feel that Kayls would be bette off elsewhere...I`ll look into it again. I know that I wouldn`t be able to live without my angel, she`s the one good thing I have right now. She`s everything to me. At the same time though it`s not about me, it`s about what`s best for Kayla.

Lisa - posted on 10/23/2010

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Sweet heart you live in Canada you have more help here than anywhere in the world. We have Social Assistance, support programs, food banks etc. DONT be scared to ask for the help if you need. No one can decide if you should give up your little girl but you and its a hard choice to make but if you do decide to do it maybe you can do an open adoption so you can still see your little girl and make sure shes ok. if u dont mind my asking Where is her father in all this?

Robbin - posted on 10/23/2010

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Giving someone a precious gift as a child is the most wonderful and rewarding, gift one mother could give to another.

Just knowing that you already know the parents and can most likely be involved in her life down the road would be the best for kayla's future.

[deleted account]

Nellie, I know you've had a ton of responses but I'm wondering if you have or have contacted your local Salvation Army. They're are EXTREMELY helpful and will provide you with a conselor who will help you figure all this stuff out. It's like one stop shopping. They even have shelter where you can stay free of charge until you figure everything out.

http://www.salvationarmy.ca/ Salvation Army's website.

http://www.yellowpages.ca/bus/Nova-Scoti...
http://www.yellowpages.ca/bus/Nova-Scoti...
http://www.yellowpages.ca/bus/Nova-Scoti...\
http://www.yellowpages.ca/bus/Nova-Scoti...
http://www.yellowpages.ca/bus/Nova-Scoti...

All the links are contact numbers for Salvation Army's in Nova Scotia - I'm not sure exactly where you are.

Here's a link for income assistance in Nova Scotia
http://gov.ns.ca/coms/employment/income_...

Isobel - posted on 10/23/2010

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oh yeah! do you have any outstanding student loans??? because as a single mother, they (OSAP...I don't know what you call the student loan people in NS) gave me ten thousand dollars per term to go to school, and I only had to pay a portion of it back...plus I got all the maximum child benefits because I was a single mom so...you should look into the schools too...EI might even cover the whole thing.

Nellie - posted on 10/23/2010

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Yes, I already get Child Benefits. I didn`t know about the other link though, thanx!

Jocelyn - posted on 10/23/2010

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Have you applied for the Canada Child Tax Benefit and the Universal Child Care Benefit?
http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/benefits/
There is also the Nova Scotia Child Benefit (NSCB) that you can get.
Here is a link to NS Income Support (which includes medical, housing, etc)
http://www.gov.ns.ca/coms/employment/inc...
You can also get day care subsidies, and educational subsidies (where the gov't will cover your housing/food etc while you go to school)

Nellie - posted on 10/23/2010

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JuLeah, I am applying for subsidised housing. What is WICK? I'm on EI. I'm involved with Healthy Beginings and left them a phone message Friday.

JuLeah - posted on 10/23/2010

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I am not sure where you live, but why are you not on WICK, food assistance, housing support, parenting support is out there. Call around, talk with your doctor, talk with your friend who wants to adopt, call community centers ..... there are sooooo many options for you. It sounds like you are depressed. Get help for this B4 you make any kind of choice about adoption!!!!!!!
What is best for your child is for you to be happy and healthy. Single moms raise healthy happy kids all the time and have since kids were first invented :)

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