Should I put my daughter up for adoption?

Nellie - posted on 10/21/2010 ( 361 moms have responded )

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My daughter is four months old and this isn't the first time I've thought about this. I love my daughter, she is my reason for living, she is the only reason I get up in the morning. I feel like I would die without her, but I also feel like I'm being selfish. I am a single mom with absolutely no one to help me. When I say I'm doing this thing solo, I mean it! My brother has tried to physically hurt my daughter, Kayla, and my parents have supported this behaviour so I have nothing to do with them. My brother is 18, so yes, he does know better. Right now I am so broke that I usually only eat once a day, sometimes two. I have tried everything to make things better. And it's not a matter of me struggling, because I would go through this a million times for Kayla. I'm worried that my daughter would be better off without me. I hae a friend who is in the process of trying to adopt a child, and I know here extremely well, and we have the exact same views on parenting, and I know that my daughter would have everything she would ever need with her. I've been sobbing for days because I've actually started researching adoption. I want to take my baby girl and run away from the cruel world, but I want what is best for Kayla. What should I do?





*I`ve been recieving some replies that are base on mis-understanding, so I`m editing his post and putting in more info. I do not "want" to give my daughter up. I love her more then life itself and would definitely regret it and I would NEVER be able to get past that. BUT this is not about my feelings. This is about what's best for my daughter. Also, frequently asked questions: I'm 19, have my own appartment, am not religous. Oh, and I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada.

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Dawnella - posted on 10/23/2010

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I see you already have 60 comments. I have never really used this site, except to post my kids and to see my grand daughter's updates.
But, I was in your same place 28 years ago. I went to the adoption agency 3 times when I was pregnant. Then one day I decided to keep my baby. We never did have much money. Her dad was abusive, she we left when she was 3 1/2 yr old. I got remarried when she was 7. That gave her stability in her life. I still question my decision to this day (29 years later) I was unable to give her all I wanted to. Anyway, what decision you make, know you did the right thing. I also, know people who the grandma raised the baby, and having your friend who you would give Kayla to, that would be better than giving her to strangers. I do not know where you live, but I do know people in the community will help you out.
Dawnella

LadyJane - posted on 10/23/2010

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Nellie, Just take a deep breath, relax and count your daughter's fingers and toes again. Just know you are not alone. There is tons of help out there. Above all, have faith. Things will get better... I've been there.

LadyJane - posted on 10/23/2010

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I agree with Angie, That was quite rude and I would have never answered that question. These days one doesn't even need to own a computer to utilize the internet. Libraries, schools, many of which allow you free use of their systems and internet. You don't even have to pay for internet if you have a wireless laptap, there are tons of places you can go that offer wireless internet for free.

Krista - posted on 10/23/2010

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Nellie, that's great that you're looking into subsidized housing -- that could make a big difference.

And don't feel bad for trying hard with your parents. You just wanted your daughter to have a relationship with your grandparents, and thought that they'd be mature enough to want to protect her. There's no crime in hope, right? And you DID eventually put your foot down and say "enough", and that couldn't have been easy.

You're a good mom. You're obviously trying really, really hard to provide a safe, secure loving environment for Kayla, and THAT is what she'll remember. I have friends who grew up dirt-poor, and they don't resent their parents for that, because their homes were clean and safe and full of love, and that's what really matters.

Nellie - posted on 10/23/2010

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Dana, basically when I first wrote this I was losing it. I have the normal stresses of a new baby, but on topof that I`m doing it solo and also dealing with crap from my parents and brother. I grew up in WWIII and I NEVER want that for my child, but at the same time my father will reword everything, make it out to be my fault. One day my brother threatened Kayla with a baseball and my fathers reaction was that, well just do`t piss him off. And they were always screaming at me because I was scruwing up my brother life because being an uncle would help him out. It took me over two months to put my foot down and finally say enough. Up till then I tried everything to keep them involved, which was beyond stupid because I knew they would never change. And the few people in my life who do know the whole stuaion lately have been puttinga ot of pressure on me to have a relationship with my parents and brother. My point is, I`m stressed is the largest understatent in the history of understatements. Of course I don`t want to put my daughter up for adoption, but I feel like the worst parent in the world for so many different reasons. I was exposing her to a violent environment for the first 2 and a half months of her life. I was stupid enough to keep coming back to my parents even though I knew they always always just screamed around Kayla. Then there`s the financial situation. And then there`s just normal day to day bumps in the road. And, I guess I snapped. But, now I got a package coming in the mail about subsidised housing and I`m going to apply for that. I left a essage with the worker at Healthy Beginings so I`m going to explain my situation to her and see what other resources are available. Up till now I haven`t told many people at all about what`s going on, very few people know. I know this is really stupid, but I find it a lot easier to open up online with people I don`t know nor will ever see. But I know I have to suck it up and get over it.

Jill - posted on 10/22/2010

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I am a foster mum, so I am writing to you on behalf of the kids that arent with their mum and dads, also as a kid of seven who was brought up by my mum only...Kids dont want the moon, they want love and to know that you want the best for kayla is golden....There is help out there and maybe going and talking to your Gp might help cause maybe, just maybe there is a lil bit of Post natal depression seeping thru. It took me a while before I realised that I suffered from it but I was lucky cause i had my mob to help, so dont think you have to face things alone cause no matter where you live someone is there.
Get help, and just enjoy your baby girl... know what you mean about her being the reason you wake up cause thats mine too, god gave me the gift of these fantastic kids and even thou I didnt give birth to them my heart explodes when I get hugs from them and every breath I take is for them...Takecare and remember you are not alone

Lise - posted on 10/22/2010

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I just want to say how great it is that so many people are being so helpful and supportive. I don't know what I can add but I know if you go to your health unit here in Alberta they can get you free couseling and they can probly get you in touch with the other resources you can use. There are so many resources available in Canada for families if you know where to look, and you are obviously willing to put in the work for your daughter. Good luck and don't give up, it doesn't seem like you would be o.k with giving up your baby. It seems like it was a thought out of desperation. As you probly figured out you really do have a very large support group out here.

User - posted on 10/22/2010

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Perhaps you and your daughter coiuld move into your friends house and see how she interacts with her and if it would be in her best interst. Just two friend helping raise a baby untl the best descions can b made

Amanda - posted on 10/22/2010

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This is a very difficult subject. I live in Canada as well. Where I'm from, there are actually homes where mothers can go to help them. They get all their money from the government that they need, pay rent, have classes and such. It's awesome. Maybe there is something like that where you live? I just want to say, make sure you think about this really hard. It is a non-reversible decision that you don't want to regret for the rest of your life. I'll be thinking about you!!

Dana - posted on 10/22/2010

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I'm glad everyone has been able to give you information. The only thing I can really add to it is, make sure you're making any decisions with a sound mind. Four months after giving birth is hard on everyone and everyone is sleep deprived at that point, I imagine it's much worse since you are a single parent.

Cassandra - posted on 10/22/2010

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Ask your self this question will YOU still be okay without your daughter .. you will still have to feed yourself , you will still have to pay bills for yourself ... i know it seems like you have no where to go but reasearch it other options for your family ... and see if the father will help raise HIS daughter hang in there .. from my experience alot of children do not have a great life if they dont experience bonds with their mothers look in to other ways of keeping her dont look to the negative first

[deleted account]

Please find a Pregnancy Center near you 800-942-0420 (a national hotline to find a center near you)
There you will find someone who can counsel you on your options... if it is to keep your daughter, they will give you physical, tangible help plus help with networking. There are people around no matter where you live, that want to help... you just need to get in touch with them. If it is to proceed with adoption, they can help with the legalities of that. I will be praying for God's love to be poured out on you and Kayla.

Nellie - posted on 10/22/2010

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i left a message with a worker from healthy beginings this morning.

Avvy - posted on 10/22/2010

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Immediately get on the phone with local help agencies and ask for HELP! Now is not the time to even think of something as life altering as adoption. You are overwhelmed and that is understandable,but please take the proper steps before you make this decision.

Kathy - posted on 10/22/2010

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Nellie, please seek some counselling, contact your local MP office to find out what services are available in your community, google to see what is available, possibly contact your church, etc. You need some help. I live in Ontario, so i don't know what is available where you are. Best of Luck. Keep your beautiful angel.

Meagan - posted on 10/22/2010

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Also, make sure your friend isn't pressuring you to give up your baby. You need to keep her completely uninvolved in your choice, and not discuss it with her, at all. She may be a great person and friend, but ultimately, she is looking for a baby, and you have one. She may not even realize that she is pushing you to give yours to her to satisfy her own desires. So, keep her 100% uninvolved.

Meagan - posted on 10/22/2010

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Although I'm not sue about programs in Canada, you should try to find shelters and housing programs instead of food. Here, in AZ, there are womens shelters where you live in your own little apartment, they pay for your rent, food, clothing, diapers, everything. They have child care on site that you use for free, but donate a couple hours a month to help run in exchange. A lot of those are run by churches. Try looking up shleters for single mothers and search through those. Yes, you would have to break your lease, but at the same time, if it can get you a stable home with all the things you need for you and your daughter, AND help you to find employment to help you move back into the world (usually these places have a transition center to help that. Not kick you out the day you get a job! lol), then try that first.

You may not live locally, but, to keep your daughter, does that matter?

Kandy - posted on 10/22/2010

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oh sweetie my heart goes out to you, i know exactly the pain you are going thru, i was in that same spot at one time in my life, and i actually signed all the papers to give my son away, the only thing that saved us both was he was born on a holiday and the courts were closed, from the very second that i signed the papers i cried non stop until he was returned to me, it was a decision i could not live with, you have to understand once you sign away your rights as a parent you no longer have any say so with your child. i know you say you and your friend have the same feeling on child rearing and so on, but you also have to think about the future, who she might end up marrying, or what if she decides to move out of state or out of the country? you have no say so in that matter, she doesnt even have to give you prior notice. And I'm not trying to knock your friend cause I dont know her, I'm just saying that once you give up your parental rights thats it, its final... And I know things might seem bleak and unbearable right now, but you need to think past today, you should consider the long term effects of your decision. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about the choices you make, I completely support adoption, however it was just not for me. Yes I raised 2 children on my own and it was hard, I'm not gonna lie, I had to sacrifice a lot and do without at times, but for me it was so worth it and I wouldnt have changed a thing. this is definately not a decision to be taken lightly, please find someone unbiased to talk through with this before you make a final decision, it can be a friend, clergy, adoption counselor somebody, I would even be willing to talk to you if you want, Good luck sweetie, I will keep you and your beautiful daughter in my prayers

Krista - posted on 10/22/2010

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Keep us posted, okay? We're all sending you good vibes, honey!

I just saw on Kijiji in Halifax that there is a 33 year old gay male nurse who works long hours and night shifts looking for a place to stay. Perfect! In-house nursing, he wouldn't be hitting on you, and he'd hardly be there anyway! LOL!

Nellie - posted on 10/22/2010

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Thank you so much, Amanda for the links. And to everyone else for the encouragment.

Krista - posted on 10/22/2010

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I was going to suggest Maggie's Place as well. Even if you're not in Colchester or Cumberland counties (I'm assuming you're in the HRM, if there's more than one foodbank), they would still be able to help you via email or phone. info@maggiesplace.ca.

Have you considered doing the roommate thing? There might be another single mother out there in the same situation, who would be happy to share your apartment with you, even if it's a tight squeeze. And depending on your schedules, you might be able to watch each others' children.

This website also has some good resources: http://www.gov.ns.ca/coms/employment/inc...

As well, here's a link to family resource centres all through Nova Scotia. http://www.ednet.ns.ca/pdfdocs/family_li...

Do the best you can, try the best you can -- that's all that you can do. And if you need to arrange for your friend to have temporary custody, that's always an option to consider doing while you get your feet under you.

We want to give our kids so much, but really, the only things that a kid NEEDS are the basic necessities of life, lots and lots of love, and the opportunity to exercise their little minds and bodies. If you're still able to provide all of that, then don't give up.

Kathy - posted on 10/22/2010

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Your situation sounds so dire, but I think giving a baby up for adoption is one of the most selfless things a mom can do when she's out of options. If the idea kills you, maybe you should check out Catholic Charities or places like Maggies Place, which help single, young moms. Also, if you brother does anything to harm your baby call the police immediately.Good luck. There are a lot of wonderful couples out there who would love your daughter as much as you do.

Krista - posted on 10/22/2010

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Nellie, you are actually very selfLESS to consider making such a huge sacrifice due to wanting to give your daughter a better life.

I would consider talking first of all to your local Public Health. They can let you know what free services would be available to you. If you let me know in which province you live, I'd be happy to do some digging around for you to see if I can find a govn't agency or department that will help you make sure that you're accessing all of your available options.

[deleted account]

You should qualify for government assistance. Food stamps, Medicaid & probably cash assistance....

[deleted account]

Wow.... I couldn't imagine being in your situation. I think you should do what would be best for her in the long run. I think if you do decide to adopt her out that you shouldn't wait too much longer. Sacrifice is a sign of true love.

Heather - posted on 10/22/2010

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I am a birth mother, I gave up my baby for adoption 19 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I am sure that I made the right decision for me. 19 years ago there was not the support that is available now. It is apparent to me that you are smart and love your baby. I feel before you make any adoption decisions you should look into all of the government funded assistants available. I am a strong supporter of adoption and I wish you and your friend the best of luck with what ever you choose and with her adoption process. Also my hat goes off to you that you are aware enough to keep your brother away from your daughter. It is hard to stand up to family which is proof of the love you have for your daughter. If adoption is a good option for her but one that you truly can't live with please don't do it. You deserve to be happy. Good luck and god bless you.

Alecia - posted on 10/22/2010

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my mom raised me on her own and there were days she didnt even eat! my mom struggled and fought hard for us and eventually (when i was about 2) she met my dad (step dad, but only one ive ever known) and they struggled together for awhile. they moved back home to ny and did what they had. we were never rich or super well off, but i would rather lived the life i did with my mom then be adopted by someone who could give me more material things. u can make it through. it will be tough, but ur daughter will love u even more as she watches u do whatever to keep her. its not going to be easy, but right now all ur daughter needs is u and some food in her belly. i hope u can find the support needed to keep her, because i feel in my heart that u will regret giving her up....maybe not, but i know that i could never do it. i would work as a stripper if i had to to make a life for me and daughter. God Bless, good luck and feel free to message me if u just need someone to talk to.

Jessica - posted on 10/22/2010

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OMG I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I had my son 6 days after I turned 17. My parents were unsupportive in every way possible. They kept trying to convince me to get an abortion which I don't believe in and it was my responsibility to take care of my baby b/c I was the one that got pregnant. I live with my parents but I had to pay rent b/c my son and I caused their bills to go up $500!!! I didn't think we caused their bills to go up that much but whatever. My son's "father" has been in and out of his life the entire time and barely helped me out b/c my son doesn't live with him so he doesn't believe that he should be responsible for his needs. For my son's 5th birthday he gave me $20 and said here now you can't say I didn't help! I was so upset I wanted to give him his money back b/c that only paid for the EXTRA cupcakes that I got b/c we had so many people show up to his party! I have struggled and I have always tried to give him everything that he should have had! I went without so many things just so my son could have nice things. It has taken me the last 5 and a half years to finally get myself together but my son is going to have a better life then my parents ever gave me. I have sat down and cried on many occasions wondering if I made the right decision! Wondering if my son would have been better off with TWO parents and people that could have given him nice things! I cried and cried and cried before and you know what I am his mother and I love him more then anyone ever could!!! I have done everything I can for my son and some times have been worst then others...only you know what is best for your daughter. Now it isn't fair to your daughter or your friend for her to have temporary custody of your daughter. This decision is entirely yours and there are so many places that are willing to give you assistance b/c they want mothers and their babies to be together! I couldn't ever be without my son and it would be the hardest thing someone could do, but only you can decide what is best for you and that baby girl of yours! good luck and I hope that everything gets better for you!

Elizabeth - posted on 10/22/2010

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what if you give your friend temporary custody of your daughter until things get better.

Amanda - posted on 10/22/2010

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Nellie speak to your family doctor, the government will pay for so many visits per year to a health advisor. Your doctor is also another good reasource to find out about charitys and helping hands in your area. Im not sure how much you get for EI, but I would call Welfare and see if they will give you more money. By the sounds of it you are missing out on possible money. Since you should be getting around 500 a month for baby bonus and Uni, and than around 900 a month from welfare.



If I could raise two kids on less money then they give for single mom with one child now, you can do it too. It is possible.

Gemma - posted on 10/22/2010

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Do you have health visitors over in Canada they will be able to help you or your GP you need to speak to some1 i have felt like you and had to go to my doctors because i had post natal depression feeling i wasn't doing enough for my family and i was letting them down. I feel great now and I'm a lot better . I had my partner and family around me so what your going through i can't even imagine but you sure need to speak to someone and keep your little girl close to you at all times they need their mummy's and she will get you through the hard times i promise :-)

Samantha - posted on 10/22/2010

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i grew up with a single mum and 4 siblings my mum tells me now as an adult how poor we were and she too would go without food so we could eat.
but i would have rather had rags for clothes than be without my mum.
i agree some counciling would really help you through this and assit in helping you make the right decison for you and your little girl.
i wish you all the best. i hope every thing turns out well for you ox

Amanda - posted on 10/21/2010

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My baby is 4 months now & i cant imagine the pain in having to decide to give away my little love. Being a server somewhere will give you a very flexible schedule, help u meet tons of new ppl that could help you, u get $ fast & work with other moms that could watch her while u work. plus theres FOOD @ restaurants, u'll nvr go hungry! im sure you would qualify for every Gov assistance program available. When i was a baby, my mother was in the SAME situation, completely alone & we lived off Gov assistance in the basement of an Apt in a bad neighborhood & she babysat kids in the neighborhood so the Gov coudnt trace that kind of income. yeah it was a bad place but she eventually met a man who took us out of there & i turned out fine & with a baby of my own now. You could meet someone new anyday. Either a man to be with or a roomate but You can do this, u dont have to give her away. It can work itself out, let God help you. My heart goes out to both of you

User - posted on 10/21/2010

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I'm so sorry you're going through this very emotional time alone. See what kind of assistance you can qualify for. It is obvious that you love your daughter very much. I hope this all works out for you. Keep Kayla away from your brother. My prayers are with you. Cheri

Nellie - posted on 10/21/2010

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Charlene, it was never about what I want. I know I`ll want her bak because I never wanted to give her up. Erica, I`ve already called the police when my mother came into my appartment without permission and refused to leave. It`s on file in case it ever happens again. I guess, during my pregnancy all I ever heard was that I need to give my baby up for adoption, that it`s the right thing to do. But, whether it be for selfish reasons or whatever else, I`m going to continue to try everything I possibly can to provide a good home for my angel.

Charlene - posted on 10/21/2010

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Sweetie, I am a mother of a 19 year old son, and he is my life. For 19 years, my whole world is him. I know you want to do the right thing by your daughter, but from a mommas point of view, in the future when u get older and more mature, you will want her back, and with adoptions, it simply wont happen. Trust your faith in God, and do anything possible to keep her. Keep searching for help, believe, trust and keep the faith. He who believes, receives. A mothers love comes from Gods grace, and u will do right by your daughter.

Erica - posted on 10/21/2010

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O WOW GIRL I AM VERY SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS AND MY PRAYERS ARE OUT 4 U...TO GIVE U MY HONEST THOUGHT WOULD TO BE PUT UR FOOT IN UR BROTHERS ASS AND WHEN UR PARENTS CALL THE LAW TELL THEM UR SIT. BUT IF UR FRIEND IS WELLING TO TAKE CARE CAUSE U JUST KNOW DEEP IN UR HEART U CAN'T AND SHE WILL LET U BE AROUND KAYLA THAN WELL I DONT WANT TO SAY GO FOR IT CAUSE I COULDN'T JUST GIVE MY SON UP I MEAN UR SIT IS ALOT DIFF BUT I THINK U SHOULD PUT UR FOOT DOWN AND HOLD IT THERE AND GIRL IF U EVER JUST NEED ADVISE FROM JUST SOMEONE THAT DON'T KNOW U AND WILL JUST TELL U THE TRUTH I AM DEFF HERE!!!!!!

Kate CP - posted on 10/21/2010

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Angie: No, it was an honest question regarding a woman who is contemplating GIVING HER CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION but still has internet access and a computer. Personally, I think I would rather give up a computer and other luxuries (like the OP is trying to do) than give up my baby. THAT was my point. Anyway...

Nellie, it sounds like you're suffering from a severe depression and could use some counseling and a support group. You're trying everything you can to be financially stable for your baby and THAT is worth more than gold. You can make it through this and your baby should stay with her mom if at all possible. You're doing all you can for your kiddo.

Charlie - posted on 10/21/2010

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Oh Nellie i dont know what to say please this is a huge decision there must be some kind of free health lace where you can speak to a councilor they may have information about where you can get more resources or a network of mums that could help you in your local area ?

My heart breaks for you and your little one , i really do wish you both the best possible outcome .

Courtney - posted on 10/21/2010

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Nellie my heart goes out to you, as I am a single mother as well. You are not being selfish, you are just a good mother, that is wanting what is best for her little girl. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. I don't live in Canada but look into all the great references that these wonderful ladies have given you. There is help out there. Kayla is lucky to have you as her mommy.

Samantha - posted on 10/21/2010

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Aren't there shelters for women and children, even through a church? Go to them, but always keep your baby with you since you can't trust your family.

Nellie - posted on 10/21/2010

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I appreciate all the resources from everyone and am going to look into all of them. I feel horrible for ever thinking about adoption, my daughter is my reason for living, I just want whats best for her. I feel like the worst parent alive.

Firebird - posted on 10/21/2010

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I'm in Canada too. There is so much you can do to better your situation and provide a decent life for your daughter. When I split from my girl's dad, I had nothing. Well, I've got a supportive family, that helps out when they can. But I had no money, nowhere to live and I hadn't worked in nearly 6 years. So I went on financial assistance, got a place in low income housing and started looking for work. You can get subsidized for day care. I'm now working part time, and still on assistance, only getting about $300/month from them still. I'm hoping to be off it completely by the new year, but I'm more in control of my situation than ever. Go back to school, learn new skills. Look for a waitressing job, you don't have to claim your tips as a source on income every month, so it's a few extra $$. You can do this, but you need to be ready to work for it. If you need some moral support, feel free to message me anytime. Good luck.

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