Should I send my daughter to live with her dad

Anita - posted on 12/05/2012

Apparently something has went wrong somewhere. If you send her to live with her dad, do u really think that is going to solve all the problems? It may solve yours, but what about her?!? Did it ever occurred to you since there is so much disrespect towards your "partner" that maybe she's feeling you are choosing them over her? Sending her to her dads is just going to confirm that. "Partners" come and go but that's your child for life! I'm raising teenage children and I'm remarried and there's no disrespect and I know many people in the same situation and so I know living in a blended family is possible. The worst thing you can do is send her to her dads bc that's showing her you are giving up on her and your "partner" I means more to you then her. Put her first, not yourself!!

Haley - posted on 11/12/2012

i think that she is under a lot of stress. she may or may not tell you, but the divorce probably really upset her. she may feel like her dad is being replaced, and she's mad at you for replacing him and mad at him too. i think you should talk to her about it, tell her that you understand, but she doesnt have to be disrespectful. also, how is your partner? does he really care about his step children or just tolerate them? that may also be a problem.

Janine - posted on 11/10/2012

I understand being frustrated but I don't know if sending her to live with her dad is a good idea. You wouldn't want her to think that you have given up on her. Or that the other children are more important then she is. I don't think that you have mentioned how old she is, but maybe the two of you could go somewhere to talk and spend some time together. Let her know that you love her but also how you have been feeling lately. Listen to what she has to say also. And try not to get offended if she says something that you feel is untrue. Remember that people see and react differently to things. So something that you considered okay or not a big deal, she may have conceived totally differently and vice versa. During the talk try to come up with a solution. Let her know that you think she is mature enough to help you come up with a solution. Once you come up with something tell her that you both will try it for a certain amount of time to see if it works. If it does great, if not try again. Good luck and I hope that this helps!

Cheryl - posted on 11/06/2012

Im going through the same with my 16 ye old daughter. Almost word for word. If I were to have my daughter move a state away with her Dad, it would be because I feel she needs to realize how good she has it here. Not because I am tired of putting up with her. I would rather argue with her every day for the rest of my life than have her think I gave up on her.

Kathy - posted on 11/05/2012

See a family therapist. Blended families can be quite an adjustment. Sometimes a child acts out because she doesn't know what to do with her overwhelming feelings. Sometimes a parent's response fans the flames and a cyclic pattern of arguing is formed. Don't give up on the relationship whatever you do. And remember, sometimes one person acts out the problems in a family so others don't have to.

Taryn - posted on 11/05/2012

I think you're only 'letting' her go live with he father if she and her father have expressed an interest in that arrangement. Otherwise, you're sending her away. IMO you really need to find out why she's feeling the way she is. What part are you playing in her feelings? Is it at all possible that she is being abused by the step father? The arguing, lack of respect, and new troubles at school are all warning signs of some sort of abuse if your child hasn't acted that way before. Just wondering if there is far more to it than her being a teen.

Heather - posted on 11/05/2012

I don't think that sending her off is the right choice. She will feel like you are choosing your current husband over her. She is acting out for a reason, it may not feel like a good reason, but to her it is. I would recommend you both doing counseling together, to get to the root of the matter. It may take a counselor to help her see you are an adult and make decisions, and how to react to her problems.

Martha - posted on 11/05/2012

you have to count up the cost what caused her to be so angry will the other children act that way when they can't have there way is she looking for more attention from you. I have a daughter that does the same thing even after my husband and I separated she still kept the same attitude. Since I saw know change I threatened her and acted like she act and talked like she did and eventually she she hated when I treated her like she treated me. I told she can't respect I couldn't spend my money on her I only bought her needs and not her wants so now we are working on our relationship even with my husband shes really trying to be nice.

Kerri - posted on 11/05/2012

I agree with a lot of the othe posts. I think ur husband needs to be held accountable to a degree. He is after all the adult. There are so many factors to consider. Telling her u will send her to her dads to live doesn't really show her how to deal with problems, telling her u will send her away, this is showing her u just palm problems off to other people

Karen - posted on 11/05/2012

I fear your daughter may see this as rejection, does she want to live with her dad?

I think she may need her mothers love and approval as she is obviously going through a rough time emotionally and developmentally, perhaps a regular girls day out or activity may help the two of you to talk and bond? Much more positive way of reminding her how much you love her :)

Jessica - posted on 11/04/2012

You don't mention your daughters age but I am guessing she is either teen or pre-teen. I feel your threatening her to go to her dad's is hurting your relationship with your daughter even further. I understand your frustration, I went through something similar and a few times I said the same thing and I felt horrible after I said it as well. My feeling is if you send her off to her dad's you will further damage your relationship, it's like saying to her I give up on you and she may feel that you care about your partner and your other children more than you care about her. It is possible your ex is making matters worse by putting ideas in her head and therefore sending her to live with him would really hurt your relationship. I totally understand your frustration but my suggestion is to see a family counselor. Also do you ever have time to spend one on one with her, that was part of my daughters problem was she needed some mommy and me time. If you spend say one day every other week or per month just the two of you, you may make your relationship better and perhaps she will let you in on what her problem with your partner is (more than likely my guess is jealousy) but perhaps there is more going on then just jealousy. If it is just jealousy though it is likely your spending alone time with her will help with that problem. I wish you the best of luck!

Gabrielle - posted on 11/04/2012

If her dad is a good dad then maybe. You have to consider her needs before those of your partner and ask yourself honestly, who can do a better job of raising her and where will she be happier... then you will have your answer.

Gabrielle - posted on 11/04/2012

If her dad is a good dad then maybe. You have to consider her needs before those of your partner and ask yourself honestly, who can do a better job of raising her and where will she be happier... then you will have your answer.

Tiffany - posted on 11/04/2012

I'm serious when I say this but before you make any choices you may regret try family councilin. If you nd her to her fathers she might feel you are choosing her step father over her and that will make things really messy. Family counseling will get to the root of the problem and a chance to solve any issues between every one. It had worked for many families I've known, at least give it a try

Keri - posted on 11/04/2012

The three of you (you, your daughter and her father) need to have a discussion about it first. You just can't decide that's the way - plus, there's probably court orders that you would have to have changed. Maybe you could also take your daughter to a councelor so she can tell someone her problems (since she's obviously not telling you). Everyone says "divorce is really hard on a kid" and although I have no personal experience with the matter, I know people who have. The parents are so busy trying to "move on" or "start over" that they often leave their kids in the dust/behind. Maybe she feels that you're trying so hard to make a life with your new partner that she is causing trouble to get you to notice. Kids who act out or misbehave usually want attention.

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2012

Sending her to dad is not going to solve the respect issue. Maybe she has some unresolved issues about the divorce, maybe she hoped that you and her dad would get back together. I would suggest that you have some family counseling before you make any major choices that could potentially cause further issues in your relationship. The message you want to send her is that you are mom, you love her for always and you are going to help get her through this. Sending her to dad without addressing the issues send a whole other message.

Sarah - posted on 11/04/2012

Well... It's been a while, did you make any decisions? Did you choose to follow any of the sound advice that was given to you in this thread??

Rochelle - posted on 11/04/2012

does she get on really well with her daddy. how old is she and does she say she wants to live with her dad.... when i was first reading this i was thinking about my partners daughter shes the same she doesnt get along with her mum all that well so it asking every time she stays with us if we coukd keep her lol she 9 we have talk to her mother about it but she says no... have you talked to her father about the option you could have shared custody that she stays with you for a term and her daddy for a term if you find you would miss her to much and see how it goes that way

Jeanette - posted on 11/04/2012

Kendra I so agree with you. I hesitated responding again because I felt so strongly about the issue, but I have to agree. Any man that is going to make a commitment to a mother, makes a commitment to her children too. They become his kids (this whole step-father things kills me). Use the label to distinguish between the biological and the new parent, not to lessen the responsibility. That's why the vows are for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Right now the family is "sick" and apparently in the "worse" part of the journey...here's where the commitment kicks in and the vows are put to the tests. You don't remove the obstacle (child) and hope things will get better. You ban together as partners and work you tushes off to parent your child - regardless of how unruly she has become....at the end of the day there is no child that WANTS to be the BAD one in the family.

Kendra - posted on 11/04/2012

that'd be easier than being a parent. Step up to the plate your kids come before "partners".

Linda - posted on 11/04/2012

If momma's not happy, nobody is happy. I would say have a sit down her and see why she hates him so much. Is there something going on that you don't know about??? You can't really trust people these days. Once you have ruled that out, set some strict house rules for the family and enforce them. Sounds like she can get away with too much because you have allowed it. Also set aside individual time for everyone in the family, so no one feels left out. Definitely do some counseling. She sounds like she is crying for some attention.



And if by all means you feel like you have done all you can and she chooses to live with her dad (either verbally or by her actions) and its a safe nourishing environment, send her packing. It's not fair to you and your other kids and your husband to not have a peaceful home. And it's not fair to her to be in a home where she is not happy. And for everyone that thinks you are putting a man before your kids, if you have done all you can with her and it just won't work, you shouldn't have to suffer. Because one day all your kids are going to grow up, move out and go on with their life. You can either allow your kids to run off the man that brings you joy, and end up alone with some cats. Or you maintain a healthy relationship from a distance with a little time apart.

Jeanette - posted on 11/04/2012

As a mother, grandmother, middle school teacher, I can tell you that what you are experiencing with your daughter isn't unusual at this age. All kids go through a difficult period of time. Kids around this age are going through the most changes they would go at any period of their lives. They are going though physical, emotional, hormonal, psychological changes all at once and it is difficult for them to handle at times. At the end of the day we are they parents and it is our RESPONSIBILITY to raise, support, guide, nurture and SURVIVE our children.



Children are not disposable or returnable. They learn how to handle problems, cope with difficulties and settle disputes from us. Sometimes as parents we do a good job and sometimes we don't....that's because we are ALL human. She is the child. We the adults. Have you and your family sought help from a professional. Is she in counseling? Are you? Is your family? She is not disposable....when problems arise in a family it is important to seek ALL forms of intervention and not expect the intervention to work overnight.



I would suggest your family invest in family counseling and that you ALL participate religiously...This is not something that can be worked out overnight. It will require effort, commitment and consistency, but it is possible to work to create a loving, peaceful productive relationship with your daughter. I hope you decide to buckle down, gather your reserves and invest in your child. She NEEDS you.

Megan - posted on 11/04/2012

I'm a single mother to 5. Boy, boy, and girl triples then twin girls. Age 13 and 12. I go throw the same things with my boys sometimes. The girls aren't really that bad but my kids feel pressure. There dad isn't really home and there step mom is like evil sometimes. They barely see him and he left when the triples were about 1 or 2 then i was 6 months pregnant with the twins.But he has other kids so for them it's a competition for his love hate to say. Plus we just moved so I know it's not easy for my kids. Sending her to her dads maybe would be the best. But it would be a big decision and it may take some guts. Maybe her dad can put her straight or maybe you should work with her. Kids feel pressure a lot or sometimes there something wrong but if you feel that just how she is, send her to her dad.

Robin - posted on 11/04/2012

Why do we as mothers feel guilty when we dont want an unruly child to take our peace

Clare - posted on 11/04/2012

alot of child act out like that because they are seeking attention. She probably is feeling that you don't care about her and that you care more for you relationship. You should sit down with her just you and her and ask her why she acts the way she does.

Sharon - posted on 11/04/2012

No. Get some family therapy & stop telling an obviously distressed kid you want to get rid of her. Teens suck, but if this is her homepage then yeh, she is going to be disrespectful big time. If her mother cant handle her and give consequences that are meaningful, she is going to treat all adults like shit.



Sorry, but you're the adult here. Suck it up & fix it with professional help.

Sela - posted on 11/04/2012

Two years ago I was having exactly the same problem with my Daughter. Her father & I had divorced when she was two and I had remarried when she was 6. Up until then she was an only child and when she was 7 my current husband and I had our son. She has always been such a good girl but maybe it was too much too soon or maybe it's just a preteen thing but when she was 10 she began acting out at home. Smart-mouthing me and her step dad, acting out at school, ect. She acted just like her dad. It was driving me crazy and was putting a huge strain on my marriage and she wasn't being a good example to her brother who at the time was three and was copying everything she did (she slammed a door, he slammed a door). I was at my wits end. I thought that if I sent her to live with her dad that she'd last two weeks there and then realize just how good she had it home. And because her dad lives in a small town 3 hours from us I thought there was no way she's like living in a small town. Boy was I wrong!!! We arranged for her dad to come pick her up and even he thought that the arrangement wouldn't last long. We agreed that because of the drive she would come home every third weekend and that she would spend the summers with us as well as spring break and every other Thanksgiving/Christmas. It's been two years now. And it's the biggest regret I will ever have!!! Everyday I miss her and when she comes home on our weekends, she acts even more like him then before. And being the smart girl that she is, she plays my ex and I against each other to get out of doing chores at both of our homes. If he tell her she's going to get grounded, she threatens that she's going to move back with me. But when I have her if I ask her to do something she'll tell me no and that she can just go back to her dads. Hindsight is 20/20. So if I had to do it again, I would have taken her to talk with someone, But NEVER would I have given her the option to go live at her dads. There are some good things that came out of this, as she's getting older, she she's all that I do for her and how those are things that her dad doesn't do or have time for. She does really well in school out there. My grandmother and mother live in that town so she sees more of them then she would if she lived with me. And because her father works all the time she has gained an independence that she might have not learned living with me. My daughter and I use Facebook and our cell phones to stay in contact with each other but it's just not the same. My current marriage is even more strained now because a part of me blames my husband for the situation. My son is growing up seeing his sister only every few weeks and it's confusing for him to understand why she doesn't live with us anymore. And when I know that my daughter is contemplating moving back with us, because of the friendships she's made, she always changes her mind.



You of course have to make the choice for yourself, but my advice to you is don't do it. If there wasn't an option to send her to live with her dad, what would you do?!? How would you solve the issues? And talk to her. It's surprising how much children understand what mistakes they are making. Good luck to you and to your daughter!

Magin - posted on 11/04/2012

I give you props for debating this sitution... If her behavior is better for him school and everything can possibly change I only wish my stepdaughters mother felt the same... My daughter behaves so "badly" for her but I can't understand why because at my house she is respectful does everything asked of her and might be the better place for her unfortunately her mom puts up with her attitude for the 600 dollars a month and won't entertain the idea of letting her stay with us permanately :/ best of luck and I'm happy there are moms that think of what's best for the child

Pamela - posted on 11/04/2012

Seek counseling where you and your daughter are seen together and then you, your daughter and your significant other are seen together.



With HONEST effort and a trained facilitator you may find a neutral ground to discuss your issues and find solutions WITHOUT GIVING UP.....which is what it sounds as though you are contemplating.



The highest and best to you! May the solutions come easier than you may anticipate!

Cio - posted on 11/03/2012

Hello,I

Gloria - posted on 11/03/2012

My friend tried that with her daughter and it didn't work :>( she came back a few months later the same kid she was when she left. I would say have her go talk to someone

Grandma - posted on 11/03/2012

Righ on Amber , and thanks for the like. I like your post as well :)

Grandma - posted on 11/03/2012

Remember Mom, your children come first so if you feel Dad can do a better job by all means let her go, but if you know you can do a better job if it weren't for the Partner, send the partner elsewhere to live.

And if they are alot alike that would be like adding fuel the fire. Remember they are only children once . No such thing as a do over the children. No matter how old or young they are.

Good luck.

Julie - posted on 11/03/2012

Kids have reasons when they act out. Could abuse (emotional/physical/etc.) be going on with(out) your knowledge? Maybe you are giving more attention to your partner than your child? Could be anything, but I am guessing it is related to you or her home life and she's making her 'cry for help.'



However, if you are considering doing it, then maybe she should go. Sounds like you might be too busy to be the real parent that she needs, so her dad can do it and you can play house with your partner... you know, send the message to her that whatever she is going through isn't worth your time and energy.

Nicola - posted on 11/03/2012

How old is she??? When i started to go through puberty up until i was around 17 I was a complete nightmare at school, in the street but most of all in the house. I threatened my mum with knives and everything. The hormones involved with puberty turned me into a psycho basically and untill i went on the contraceptive pill i was a nightmare to anybody that dared cross my path. My natural father and my mum are married and have been for 36 years but i can tell you this if they werent any partner that my mum had at that time woulf have been my first target. If she is coming to that age dont ship her off to her dads because she will have no control over what she is doing. Yes she will know it was wrong afterwards but when you are in the moment it is impossible to stop. Take her to the doctors and see what he/she has to say dont turn your back on her it will get better i promise x

Tyisha - posted on 11/03/2012

When she said Partner does that mean she is with another woman ??? Sometimes kids react to that as well ? How old is your daughter bcuz if she is a preteen or teen this sounds pretty normal and should be focused on

Lene - posted on 11/03/2012

sure y not.

Amber - posted on 11/02/2012

Thank you, Kathleen!! We didn't make it easy on mom growing up do whatever mistakes she made she has already paid for, believe me!! Lol

Mrs. M. - posted on 11/02/2012

No! She wants attention. If you ship her off, she will feel alone, and worthless. No man who loves his family would be put off by a kid, or teen. What if it were his child the problem? He would have to deal with it. He wouldn't send his children off.

Kathleen - posted on 11/02/2012

Amber... I'm speechless... That is the most incredible, encouraging life story I have read. Your Mumma is an inspiration! Thank you for posing that for all of us to read, as well as Karen.. :) :) :)

Amber - posted on 11/02/2012

My mother used to tell me that she gave into her boyfriend a lot because one day her kids would leave home and it would be just the two of them. Well he's long gone and guess who still is around?! Despite the choices she made while I was growing up, she was also the kind of mother who would walk every day 1 hour each way (heat, snow, rain) because her son had emotional problems that he needed professional help for and she saw to it he got the help he needed.



Disrespect got you down? Try hours of no sleep because your son has constant nightmares from early childhood trauma. Try beind up 72 hours straight because he's bouncing off the walls long past the age of sleeping thru the night. She stayed up with him living on coffee and steam



Your daughter only does her chores halfway? Try a daughter who runs away. My mother went out looking and never once said "if you want to leave home so bad, why don't you go?" Instead she embraced her and told her whatever the problem is we'd deal with it.



I went through a hard time in high school and wanted to quit. I was constantly skipping and even failed a class. She told me if she had to go with me every day to finish she would do so. Failure was not an option. She asked me what it would take for me to get through it- what it was she could do. I looked into options searching for a solution until I found a way to use my after school job as a way to earn two extra credits. I worked hard in order to graduate early.



Mothers make mistakes. I love and respect her regardless. She didn't abandon ship when things got tough. She trudged through it with us making more mistakes along the way, but she earned my unconditional love by showing me what it was in the fist place.



Don't give up on her. She's a child who needs her mother. There is never anything wrong with a child living with her father as long as it's a choice and not a way out for you or for her. You need to teach her that you have to fight for what matters to you most. Don't let her run from her problems. Show her that your love is not based on her behavior.

Miranda - posted on 11/02/2012

I only read the first few responses before feeling compelled to give a response.... Sending your child away because you don't want to lose your new husband is idiotic! Kids goes through these things sometimes and sending her away could ruin any future relationship with her... I would know because my father sent me away. As for your husband leaving because of her, well if he would do that then he is no man at all. Did he not vow to stand by you? Stay strong and be there for her.

Julie - posted on 11/02/2012

Are you telling us you would give up your child for someone else?



Do you realize the message that sends your daughter who has only one mother?



Each child is unique and some are more sensative to the pain of divorce than others. I can't help but think its the new man in the hosue rather than your partner himself -



You can always build a relationship with someone new when your children are raised and gone. You have once to raise your daughter who deply needs you whether she can admit it or not.



Children often will cry for attention ( that they deserve, by the way) when Mom's affections are elsewhere... even if it is negative attention and ends up with negative punishment, at least mom noticed them.



I woul rethink having a partner until she is gone. Men are easy to come by these days and the right one will be there when you are ready - Volumns of books have been written about it - ;) ♥

Melissa - posted on 11/02/2012

I think you should take some one on one time with your daughter. see if she will open up to you. I agree that due to the changes in the current family situation that your daughter may be feeling left out and she is trying to get your attention. I have a 15 year old that asked to go live with her dad at 12. her other sister had been living with dad and I think that more than anything that is why she wanted to go. We have gone back and forth although I did not like the Idea I wanted her to be able to see what it would be like with her dad. this Past summer they got into physical altercation and she is now living back with me. I now have her in couseling as living with dad caused more damage than help. Please try to help your daughter and your family before you ship her to her dads as a punishment. It will back fire on you.

Eleanor - posted on 11/02/2012

After living with my mum and her partner my experience (I was 15 at the time) is that it could be a good thing. All of my siblings spent some time with dad i.e. our teens, and if nothing else we definitely learnt some valuable lessons lol. And started to understand how good we had it with mum. I had issues with her partner because he saw my teenage angst as an attack upon the woman he loved. It took a long time for me to forgive her for what I felt was her choosing him over me. Even though it was my decision to leave. Teenagers are a challenge but it could be worthwhile trying to find the motivation for her actions as whatever is going on will effect her no matter where she lives, if you can try and sort out the underlying issues you can help.save her from slot of pain in the next few years!

Eleanor - posted on 11/02/2012

After living in a home with my mother and her partner whie I had trouble getting along with (depending on your daughters age and her dads situation) I think it could be a good idea.

Rachel - posted on 11/02/2012

She needs to be in therapy. Maybe both of you together.

I couldn't send my child to live with his father because he was giving me problems. He's my child. It's my job to figure out what is going on and why he acts the way he does sometimes. My oldest son can be very difficult but I could never turn my back on him. Which, I feel is what he would think if I sent him to live with his dad.

Tanya - posted on 11/02/2012

My parents divorced when I was 11. I have two younger sisters. The divorce affected us all differently. My middle sister became very rebellious and even though my mom tried everything nothing worked. My mom wanted to send her to live with our dad to give her a change of scene but was talked out of it by well meaning family and friends. She was killed in a car accident after sneaking out one night. Kelly was 13.

People have zeroed in on your husband being the problem but you know your daughter best. (At least I hope you do. You wouldn't be posting and asking for advice if you weren't a concerned loving parent.) She probably needs counseling but please do what you think is best for her no matter how hard it may be and the crap you're going to hear from other people. I know my mom wishes she had gone with her heart and gut and not listened to those family and friends who were against it. We don't know how it would have turned out but it couldn't have turned out worse.

Good luck!

Capra - posted on 11/02/2012

No she teying to do wrigth thing youll see

Heidi - posted on 11/02/2012

Talk to your daughter and see what she wants. I think if you include her in the decision making and treat her an adult you respect, you may see that you will get the respect you are wanting.



You and your partner (male or female) need to talk as well. They should support what you and your daughter decide.



I am also a divorced parent of a teen girl. Hang in there. And keep talking and working on the relationship.