should i send my kids to see their dad or not?

Jessica - posted on 04/28/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I am completely confused on what to do i am feeling very uncomfortable having to send my kids to their dads since he has now moved into a motel and at the same time one of his friends sent me a message on facebook saying she feels its best if my kids dont see there dad for a while because he is a "fall down drunk" lately and is a emtional wreck and she can see him having a melt down soon. My issues are that 3 kids should not be spending every other weekend in a motel and my ex has had issues with drugs and alcohol in the past and actually tried to commit suicide and was admitted to an institution for depression. I have tried going to cas to see if they would at least meet with him and check the motel out to make sure there is even enough beds for the kids and fridge there for food and to check his emotional state but they wont do anything so lost i am afraid if i send them something could happen but we also have a court order where he can have every other weekend. What should i do?

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Serene - posted on 04/28/2011

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I would not care if their was a court order or not!!! I would never send my children to a motel to stay with their father while he is getting drunk. No way!!!! He sounds unstable, and I would not even consider it. If he did file a complaint against you and claimed that you have kidnaped your own children; then you can explain the situation to the judge or whomever and hopefully they will understand where you are coming from as a mother. I think that you need to change the vistitations right until he gets his own place and becomes more stable. If he wants to spend time with the kids then make arrangements where he can spend time with them but, not over night. At least until he gets his own place. Hopefully he'll get his self together and stay clean for the sake of his children. Good luck!!

Bree - posted on 04/29/2011

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Hi Jessica, I am in a similar situation & have had to stop my 3 & 4 yr old going to their dads lately. Without going into too much detail he has a drug problem also. We have court orders saying they go to their dads every 2nd wkend & that he is not allowed to drink alcohol/take drugs 24 hrs prior or with the children in his care. And if either party starts living with another party they need to provide police clearance ( which my ex's mate has failed to do). If the situation gets worse I can relist in the family court. If your ex's own mate is saying not to send your children that is really saying something. I would not send my kids in this situation, because if anything happened to them I would not forgive myself or be able to take it back....its just not worth the risk. Hope this helps x Bree

Monica - posted on 04/29/2011

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if you feel that he is a threat to him self and to your children. then i would write a letter to the court or lawyer and tell them your feelings about his behavior. my friends ex had a shot gun to his head with her and thier son there she was scared called the cops. he was taking away and wasnt allowed to see is son for months. they went back and forth tocourt she told them that she doesnt want to keep their son from thier father so she would preferr supervise visitations and it was only with her. you can also do this if you are uable to be there or got some where mutual like the park or something then you can issue some one else to be there. ithink it a great thing that you have tried to help him and how you know your kids need their father but at the same time sometimes taking them out of a situation where they may see bad things from their father will actuall make them a better person . i know i personally have seen hings that i shouldnt have. both my parents where drugies and alcoholics. i llived with my grandparents. its not easy seeing your parent in a bad place. so if you dont send them you are helping them. but look into writeing a letter.

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26 Comments

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Kelly - posted on 09/07/2013

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Is there a way he can see them with you there ?
Maybe visit at your house in the yard ?
its an idea .....

Heather - posted on 05/13/2011

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And one more thing to add...I know in the state of MO you can go to your counties courthouse and fill out a form to get temporary full custody and you put down why you believe they should not see their father at this time. It usually only takes a few weeks to get looked at by a judge and for them to grant it and after filling the form you don't have to allow him to get the kids. It is something worth looking into so you don't have to worry about it right now! I'd give the county courthouse a call and see if they can help you out. It is usually the same place you do restraining orders and stuff...I hope this helps! Good luck!

Heather - posted on 05/13/2011

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You can seek legal action. You can try and get full custody with only supervised visitations. I had to do this with my oldest son for almost the exact reasons. Good luck!

[deleted account]

He is their father and he has the right to see his kids. That said if he is obviously drunk or high when he comes to pick them up then don't allow him to take them. Call the police if you need to. But if at all possible don't deny your kids their time with their dad. Kids need time with their dad even if it's only a couple days every 2 weeks. Most moms don't realize the damage they are doing to their kids when they deny them time with their dad.

Kennetha - posted on 05/01/2011

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As parents we always want to protect our children;therefore don't do anything that will cause you to br in trouble. Be careful who you listen to because they can be misleading.

Jessica - posted on 04/30/2011

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Years ago I was in a similar situation. I understand how torn you feel
Having a relationship with their dad is really important and tied up with their
Self-esteem, but they are children and they must be safe.
I went to a lawyer in the end and she said that if
something went wrong it was possible that the authorities
would hold me to account too because I had allowed them to
go into a situation which I knew was unsafe. This helped me to see
things clearly and I stopped the kids visits for a while. We ended up
with supervised visits for about a year. My ex met the kids in a centre
with toys and snacks and friendly staff. Eventually my Ex got more reliable
and we went back to regular visits. Maybe there are other options for you. Have you
got relatives that could help or his friend that wrote on FB?? Good luck. One thing for sure- this time will pass

Stephanee - posted on 04/30/2011

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There is no way I would send my child to see their father at a motel, and especially not if he is a drunk and/or into drugs. If CPS won't go check it out, you must force their hand. Call your lawyer and set a court date to revisit your parenting plan. In light of new circumstances, they should be forced to go make sure that the environment is healthy for the children. I would sooner be held in contempt of court, than put my child into a possibly dangerous situation.

Karen - posted on 04/30/2011

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please dont send them . go back to court and get a lawyer.get it sorted .speak to ur ex

Jane - posted on 04/29/2011

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Get a lawyer and go back to court to get the order amended. If you can't afford a lawyer call your local bar society and see if someone will do it pro bono, or check into Legal Aid. Also, see if there is any evidence or other witnesses to his current situation and behavior. The judge will want more than just your say-so.

Good luck!

[deleted account]

I would as a mom, be looking into the situation before sending my children back.You cannot send your kids anyway, you do not feel 100% happy about.

Angieisin - posted on 04/29/2011

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are you able to talk with him? if its not a strained relashionship maybe he would agree to just take a day visit on weekends till he is on his feeet and has his own place agian? if not id say go back to court

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2011

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i agree with holly up above...only i would take oyur papers in to the sheriffs department so they can fully determine what they would do before you dont send them...i wouldnt feel comfortable sendign them under those conditions either but it depends on where you live and what the laws are there as to what the police can do or cannot do...hope you get it all figured out! and ill be thinking of you!

Nicole - posted on 04/29/2011

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Having a court order for visitation is a civil situation in which the police will not get involved. They will usually tell whatever parent is complaining to take it to court. If you want to change the court order, then go get a court date and inform your kids' father that you are going back to court to change the order and the kids will not be with him until you can take it in front of a judge. I stopped taking my daughter to see her dad and all he could do was try to take me back to court for civil contempt. As long as you have reliable information to fear for the safety of your children, you must do what is best for them. See if they have some type of facility in your area that can do supervised visits and see if the court can order for him to receive some type of treatment and verify that he has a stable living situation before he is allowed to take them without supervision. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2011

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I would take my chances of "getting in trouble with the courts".... I WOULD NOT SEND MY KIDS to that kind of invironment, don't risk a bad thing happening....

Susan - posted on 04/29/2011

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Get help from a laywer , I can give you a number for a very good one! I would'nt have sent my kids, everything will depends if you have dual or full custody.

Krista - posted on 04/29/2011

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I would definitely consult with your lawyer. If he is not providing a safe environment for the children, then I think you would have grounds to file for a change in visitation.

Tina - posted on 04/28/2011

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If you have issues and have brought them up with family services they should be following up on them. If you're truelly concerned yes take him back to court and don't back down keep on their back about your concerns.

Tinker1987 - posted on 04/28/2011

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i wouldnt. a motel is not a stable home for kids. especialy if he is going through issues.

[deleted account]

I agree w/ Holly entirely. Not following the court order could get you in some serious trouble. I think you may be able to petition the court for an emergency change of visitation due to the current circumstances though. Good luck!

[deleted account]

In California at least, it doesn matter where the order was made. If the judge signed it is is fully enforceable. My hubby and I have full custody of our oldest (my stepdaughter) and our order says nothing about who can enforce it and such, but we all know that if one parent is refusing to give the child to the other parent (and the exchange is court ordered - like when our daughter's bio mom gts a visitation) then the police can be called and WILL enforce a court order signed by the judge. Our most recent order was made in medation and it is fully enforceable.

Like I said before, take your ex back to court. You can petition for him to have supervised visitation based on what you have posted and when it all goes to court it can get resolved, BUT until then I wouldn't go against a court order at all...

But, of course, it could all be different based on where you live. My best advice is to call the police station and ask them, or call a lawyer and pay a small fee for a consultation (usually they run anywhere from $50-200 for an hour or so).

Jessica - posted on 04/28/2011

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yes there is a court order but because it was done through mediation i have been told by cas that unless it says in our court order that the police can take action i truly dont have to send them and the police cant do anything he would have to take me to court and it doesnt say anything in the court order about the police having the right to take the kids or make me take them i just feel confused and scared and dont want my kids going through any more emotional stuff than they have to but they love their dad and i dont know how to explain it all to them that they wont be going

[deleted account]

Is there a court order in place saying you have to send them? If you do, then you have to send them or he could press kidnapping charges against you. If you want to get the order changed based on recent events then take him back to court, but you have to follow the order.



If there's no order in place, then I wouldn't send them.



I think it's great that you've tried to get him help and I hope he can clean himself up and be there for his children in the future.

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