Should I stay or should I go?

Pamela - posted on 08/05/2011 ( 200 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of two boys that are 8 and 5. I am unhapply married to the father of the two boys for 9 years now. For a very long time I have been unhappy in this marriage. I am unsure if I should stay or if its better to leave. My biggest concern is my 8 year old. He is very attached to his father and he also has alot of anixety. I am afraid that if I stay things will be bad for him.(his behaviour is terrible, daddy's the best friend who never disciplines and mommy's always the bad guy) No repsect from the 8 year old. I am now seeing the same in my 5 year old. I am also afraid that if I leave things will be bad for him. Any advice. I am very opened at this point. I have seen many professional to help with this and they all say the same thing Leave.... the sooner the better for the kids. HELP

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Jen - posted on 08/09/2011

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Hello Pam, I am really sorry to read about your hardships, I think we have all wanted to leave our marriages at one point or another. We humans are far from perfect and trying to mesh to different lives is very hard. It takes a lot of work on both parties and from what I read, it seems your husband is not willing to put in the effort. Does he think everything is fine? What are his thoughts? Does he care or has he maybe already checked out?
In my experience personally and through friends, I get the impression you are asking this question to give you "permission" to do what is right for you. To know that you are not a bad person for wanting to leave and do what is best for you and your kids. We can all tell you our opinions as many have but you have to follow your heart. Only you can make this decision. As one said, we do not have all the information, we do not live in your house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We also only get one side of the story.
If professionals are telling you to leave, you have to trust their opinions, after all you did pay them for their expert advice. They have seen it all and studied it all. Remember if you stay, you are letting your husband teach your sons how to treat their future wives and other women. You are teaching them that is ok to be the best friend to their children when they are suppose to be a parent.
Sit down and write the pros and cons of staying. Whatever is on that list should spell out the answer for you.
If you leave we will all support you and be a sounding board for you. You will be a happier person and if you are not happy, your children will not be happy.
It is time to think about you and what you want the rest will fall into place.
Good luck sweetie, we are all praying for you.

Fafa - posted on 08/09/2011

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The question is, are you going to leave with the children? If no the woman who will come to your husbands life, how is she going to handle your kids? If u go with them and you can take care of them, then u can do so.

Becca - posted on 08/09/2011

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I think you should leave. By staying you are only hurting not only yourself but will be hurting the boys in the long run. Kids learn things from watching and listening to their parents. Maybe the boys anxiety is due to them knowing that you are unhappy. Once you leave and they see how happy you are their behavior may change. Take the professionals advice.

Suzanna - posted on 08/09/2011

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do not stay for the sake of the kids hun. yes they will be upset by it but theyre probably acting up because they pick up on mummys feelings sorry but its true. i went through a similar thing but my girls were 2 and 3 and even they sensed it and yes mummy will be the bad guy but they will also respect you for it and relations with you and your children will improve i can assure you. hope that helps x

Isabella - posted on 08/08/2011

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I feel as if I'm reading my daughter's story. Married 5 years and 2 kids. Emotional and phsycological abuse, anger problems, dominating character. Started to effect mental and physical daughter's health which in turn effected kids behaviour. Tried to save marriage but he thinks all is ok so he dosen't need help. Found out there's an underlying problem with gambling. Cannot do much when there's no co-operation or commitment from other side. Although I believe in everlasting marriage, I also believe in happy marriages. My daughter took decision to start seperation prceedings and is still in the process. I believe that eventually things will settle down, but make sure you know what it entails as it's not an easy process and will bring on much hearthache till you finalise it. We as her parents are walking the same road as her and believe me it's though seeing what is happening to her and our grandkids on a daily basis. It's even thougher keeping in control of your emotions. Make sure you have support of family and friends too as you sure will need them along the way if you decide to leave. As some have told you, the decision is your's to make but make it with an open mind. Hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

Jennifer - posted on 08/08/2011

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Separation and divorce are never easy for children. But if you have truly been unhappy for as long as you say - take a long look at your relationship, how your husband treats you, the kids and how he makes you feel. If your husband makes you feel bad or uneasy and he is also unwilling to change or work on improving the relationship then ending your marriage may be the most positive thing you can do for yourself and your kids. It's never a good thing to stay in a marriage just because of your kids and because you think it the "right" thing to do. Make sure the kids get professional help too as they need to work through their feelings and understanding of why and what is happening. I wish you the best and I hope this helps. I have not gone through a divorce myself but I have seen friends and family work through it.

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Pam, I have been in your place. I do not know your spiritual convictions but let me tell you my story. I was married to my first husband until my son was 12 mo. I married for all the wrong reasons and was so young. However, my in-laws had a big family and did everything together, alot of support and love. I did not have family. My son will be 19 in September but I am telling you I remember him sitting on the balcony as early as 3 if he knew his dad was coming and would sit there for hours. At the age of 12 he wanted to move in with 'Disneyland dad' I call him. I had no idea it was the worst decision I would make. There was no structure, rules or consequences for anything. He went from making A's & B's to failing. He did not graduate and has the worst attitude. His phrases are I don't know and I don't care. My ex never worked with me on anything nor did he encourage our son to see his mom. As soon as he was old enough to hang out with friends, I went to the wayside. Now, to my second marriage: I was in a verbally abusive relationship but I have 2 kids with him. I HATED him. I prayed for accidents and horrible things but then my husband decided to quit drinking and changed a good bit. Even on our worst days, I started to change my prayer. I asked God to renew the love I had. It is hard to respect someone you detest, but try to find 1 good quality (provider) in him and build from that. It takes 2 they say but I know that often is not the case. However, I refused to let my children suffer as my oldest did. Your intuition on your sons' behavior is most likely accurate. They do resent us for divorcing--it is especially bad if your husband bad-mouths you when they are with him. Just think, are you comfortable with your husband being their only or main influence? If the question is no, I would stay. At least you KNOW what is going on v. not knowing when they are with him. I will pray for you and your marriage.

Kelly - posted on 08/08/2011

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Do what is right for you!! If you are unhappy your kids will be picking up on it and if parents aren't able to respect each other, the kids won't know what respect is and can;t show you respect if they don't understand it. My mum stayed unhappily married to my dad for over 20 years and only stayed coz of us kids and it was terrible for her. I think two single HAPPY parents is a better environment for children than two together unhappy parents who are only civil for the sake of the kids. Kids aren't dumb, they pick up on the tension and that is probably why they aren't showing you respect. IN the long run they will respect you more as a person for being strong and making the best of your life and showing them a happy, loving home where they are relaxed and nurtured.

In the end it is your decision but do what is right for you and will make you happy. A happy mummy = happy kids.... IN MY HUMBLE OPINION :) best of luck hun

Carol - posted on 08/08/2011

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Divorce is never good for children, even when it becomes the only option. Studies show children of divorce grow up with horrendous trauma and find it hard to trust or have a happy marriage themselves. My parents divorced when I was 25, and even then it was one of the worst things I ever experienced. You can demand respect from your children by being firm and also respecting them. Dr. Laura has lots of good advice on this and also on marriage. Try to understand why your husband is the way he is--what has shaped him and what are his goals in life. Why did you marry him in the first place? Is there any of that love left? Some couples begin to rekindle the flame by remembering where they began. If he is not abusive or a criminal, do your utmost to do all you can do, especially praying for him and forgiving him. It's hard for anyone to live with a person who is always criticizing him and always angry and resentful. Sometimes a good woman can lift a man out of his selfish and foolish ways. But it will take prayer and perseverance. You might also have to set some boundaries with him--insist that he not permit some of the things he's been doing with the kids. But insist in a kind and reasonable way. Think about what motivates him and appeal to that. For example, when we were newly married my husband didn't like my driving his car and when mine died, he bought me a used one that didn't last long. I persuaded him we could get along with one car by showing him how much money we would save. I knew that was the only reasoning that would get him to let me drive his "baby." Try to see what motivates your husband and use that to get him on your side on important issues. And ask God to help you love him in spite of the things that have hurt you. May the Lord guide and empower you and grant you harmony and a good future.

Paulette - posted on 08/08/2011

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No marriage is a bed of roses, and there's alot of sacrifice. Ask yourself - "have I given my marriage every opportunity to succeed?". I think you need to give your marriage every chance - go to counseling and work things through. If your husband refuses to go to counseling, then start going on your own at first but then give him an ultimatum that he needs to be part of it. Leave him with the kids for a week, and require him to meet your at counseling and demand some change and serious attention to your marriage from him.

Dawn - posted on 08/08/2011

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What worked for me in a little bit similar situation was to look to the marriage first, without involving the kids. We went to a marriage course that worked on improving the marriage, but was not necessarily for couples in crisis. (at a Presbyterian Church) This taught us to respect each other and make time for each other. After we started having a date once a week and talking to each other again, then we started dealing with issues like parenting and chores. We couldn't deal with the big stuff when we weren't even friends anymore. Our marriage is not perfect, but happier.

Fern - posted on 08/08/2011

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hey hon.......i really understand your dilemma and i empathise with you. I am currently separated from my husband and i know my son misses him.But you know what? He is learning to respect me and appreciate all i do for him although he is only 2yrs old. I am the disciplinarian but i also shower him with love. At the end of the day an unhappy mother makes an unhappy family.You cannot be an effective parent if you are unhappy and depressed. You don't want to set a precedence where your sons learn to be disrespectful to their wives from what they saw growing up in an unhappy home.Maybe some separation might help you to breathe and see clearly what you want for yourself and the boys.Your husband also needs to know where he is contributing to the unhappy home. I wish you luck and God's blessing and mercy in this tough period.We mothers need to stand together and acknowledge our worth beyond chief cook and bottle washers. We are individuals who have alot to impart onto the world!

Charlene - posted on 08/08/2011

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This is a very hard situation.
Do you ha e any love for your husband? Have you been to pastoral counseling together? I am divorced (and remarried) . I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone not anyone. it should be a last resort that both parties agree to, so that you can work together for the good of the children. If you can work together for the good of the children then I say work together to save the marriage for the good of the children and the marriage. In divorce nobody wins, except maybe the lawyers. Best wishes!

Cathlene - posted on 08/08/2011

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Pamela, sorry ti hear you are going through this.. I too have been in an unhappy marriage with children. I actually stayed for 20 years. I kept staying for the children's sake and in fear I could not afford to provide for them or I felt sorry for their father loosing a daily relationship with them. My advice to you is a simple as this. 6.5 years later my kids have all graduated from Highschool now tell me they wish I would have left 15 years ago. I had many people give advice over the year about me leaving and what everyone thought God wanted of me and that I had tried everything. I can tell you, if you are wringing your hands questioning and you know you have done what you feel to do, then you have done what you know to do. Everyone has different outcomes some are testimonies of triumph and others are testimonies of overcoming the loss and rebuilding. In my experience staying so long did not benefit my children and my
Boys learned what a mediocre husband is. They are not only watching him as a father but also as a husband. I wish you well in your decision what ever that may be. God be with you in all your steps.

Alexandra - posted on 08/08/2011

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i agree. it is not good for your kids to live in that environment. i dont know if you have the courage to do it, or if you have some place to go and restart a one person's life again. I wish you luck.

Jodi - posted on 08/08/2011

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please leave, its not healthy for you ,for your boys and for your husband,,everyone will be happier in the end.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2011

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honey I say leave the kids will adjust and it will get better,and maybe you kids behaveior will get better maybe thay are as happy as you think.

Mrs. - posted on 08/08/2011

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"Look at all of the advice from people who are divorcees themselves in here telling you to get divorced! of course they will say that because they know no better. Happiness will never fully come on this earth. Contentment is the key-and men will never satisfy this so looking elsewhere is the answer. I would suggest Christ, but that is my belief. Just find something that's not your husband! notreligion.com"

To somehow claim that ALL divorced people's advice in not worthy because they somehow have a non-objective view and then tack on that the right way to find guidance is through Christ, is a little like stepping on your own feet.

Perhaps a divorced person might have a view that is from their perspective and perhaps maybe even bias. Maybe not though, maybe they tried harder than anyone Christian has to make it work and it didn't.

Now to claim that Christianity therefore has no bias and is completely objective in its advice about divorce....that is laughable.

That is not to say Christians don't have good advice, but to claim it is unbiased or objective compared to a divorced person is ridiculous.

Of course your views and life experience colour your advice. Don't, however, throw stones at divorced people when you are standing in a Christian glass house.

Lisa - posted on 08/08/2011

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Unless "dad" is willing to go to professionals with you and help become a part of the solution and not the problem I would say leave. At a certain point in our lives as mommies we have to put our kids safety and well being above everything else. If you have done everything you think you can do have no guilt for leaving but no one can make the decision for you.

Kappy - posted on 08/08/2011

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I don't see why you think one parent is the "good guy" and one parent is "the bad guy." Are there not an agreed upon set of rules that you and your husband live by? If not, that is the place to start. I bet a lot of the problems between the two of you would fade away if you were not living by two different sets of expectations. Sit down together and work out some rules for the house, the kids, how we talk to each other, stuff like that and come up with something that works for BOTH of you. Not just you, who feels like the mom of ALL the household, including your husband! Sounds like maybe he has gradually allowed you to make all the decisions, probably because he thinks it is easier or better than arguing. Explain that you don't want to argue either, and try to think of ways to discuss some house rules that leave room for BOTH of you to feel you've had some responsibility, but not ALL of it.

It might help to identify what strengths each of you (parents) have and try to work those in to the plan. Also, try identifying some punishments that are too extreme to EVER use - ones you use on each other, and ones for the kids. For example, maybe you agree we will never tell the kids that they can't go to grandma's because they were bad - that is a family activity that is not part of discipline, but going to friends' houses WILL be something that can be off limits. With each other, there is probably something he says to you that is so very hurtful, you don't want him ever to use that again, and you may know something that you will never say again too- you have to promise you will never use it.
You'll need to roll out the rules to the kids and what kinds of punishments will come for doing certain things - maybe you group bad behaviors into A/B/C groups and set up the punishments into those groups too. So, if they do a C group bad behavior - something not too bad, maybe whine about having to go to baseball practice or something minor like that, they have a C punishment, which is kind of minor too. Tim out for 3 minutes or something. Have sets or punishments so they can see the kinds of things they might lose and then have a policy about how you and hubby will decide that stuff. Perhaps an agreement that if you must decide alone, the other will not criticize it in front of the kids, but if they think it was too harsh or too light, it can be talked about behind closed doors. Perhaps that bad behavior needs to be upgraded or downgraded from one class of offenses to another based on the circumstances. Hitting people is a class A offense, but hitting the bully who had just jumped a neighbor kid, that gets only a C punishment... you see?

It's work, but it might be helpful. Your kids will be happier with being a family with all of you TOGETHER, and most especially if you can get yourselves to bring out the best in each other instead of the worst.

Armi Rose - posted on 08/08/2011

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Hi Pam! Were you able to talk about this to your husband, or seek counselling (not just you but the both of you)? You see when you have a relationship with someone or somebody it's not only your relationship but it is both your relationship. It already concerns you both. Have you tried opening it up with him? Who knows both of you feel the same way then it would be easier for you to communicate for the sake of your kids. However, should it be e other way around (I mean he is not in favor of you two separating) then that's the only time you should think about your concerns. From this point I will be sharing with you my opinion on the premise that it is only you who is unhappy in this marriage. Can you honestly say that you have exhausted all means and have thought about it objectively (like the pros and cons). Bottomline is you cannot function as an individual if you are no longer happy in your situation. You cannot give enough because you are no longer comfortable where you are now. If you are out of the situation then maybe it would be easier for you to work with the concern you have for your 8-year old boy. And also it is not too late to let your child know that you are the mom and you deserve to be respected. You should let him feel your presence. You may find it hard to instill that in his mind right now but in the long run he will be able to pick it up. If you decide to get out of the relationship then it won't hurt if you'll ask for support of a professional (counselor or psychologist) 'cause usually it is the child who 's affected with the separation. By the way, try to explore the possibility that you are just tired withwhat you're doing, I mean your life maybe turning routinary that's why and you just need time for yourself =). Whatever it is...its your call. If you're SURE that the reason for your unhappiness is your partner then just be very honest with him and yourself...then get out of the situation.
God bless and may HE give you the wisdom to decide on this... good day =)

LaToya - posted on 08/08/2011

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I think we have turned this conversation into a debate concerning Pamala's situation! Pamela, I do hope that you understand that I am here for you for any advice. But I want to end my conversation concerning this posting with this. There will be women who will tell you to leave your marriage and never look back and say the kids will get over it or will live. Then you have the believers in marriage and Christ that will tell you to stay and fight for your marriage unless its abusive! No, I have never been disrespected by my husband but I have seen my friends husband treat them that way and they have sought me for advice. I am not a "licensed" counselor but I have learned from experience and agree that there is a bigggg difference between a secular or regular counselor and a biblical counselor. I want you to go into deep prayer on this and ask God to show you the way. Do not even worry about these postings including mine. Just find a quiet place and seek God's face. Allow him to show you where you need to be and change in your marriage. Do not leave your marriage by what you are reading today because you will have to live with that choice. My heart just bleeds for your situation because so many people are divorcing left and right because they can not handle it or its just too much but sweetie marriage is not just a word its work too. you have to want to be able to fight against the odds. Do not give up hope. IF you would count how many times couples in Hollywood just marry and divorce you would be amazed! When somethng gets tough, they just give up and walk out. That is what you dont want your kids to see. You want them to see a working marriage. A working couple. Pray for your husband.. Ask God to help him seek his face. Ask God to help your husband with his anger. When your husband is weak that is the time when you pray the hardest not give up because everything is caos!! This is what we dont want our kids to see. That when mom and dad are arguing they just give up on everything. If we divorce someone everytime we are in a tough spot how many times do we marry again? Look at the pattern we are showing our next generation? I mean we say go ahead and leave but he is not abusive but just needs help getting that place where he respects and treats you lovingly.. I am saying this because God placed this on my heart to share with you personally. Do not I repeat, Do not walk away from your marriage without seeking God's advice! Anyone that is telling you to leave may not agree on what the bible says but I want to make sure that you know where you can go to get the TRUTH. REAL TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH WITH GOD!

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2011

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I disagree with the professionals, although they know more of the story than I do. I am 38 years old, my parents divorced when I was 21 and it is still a very hard part of my life. I had 2 younger siblings who turned to substance abuse to deal with the effects. If there is ANY way to make it work, try that first. I would look for a Christian counselor. In my experience they are not "preachy" but come from a perspective of being against divorce and may offer a different perspective and other suggestions than you've heard in the past. Best wishes!

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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Piggybacking Amanda... I would suggest Christ As well. I am more in love with my husband today than ever. 10 years later but it ain't perfect and there were some really bad times when one of us was going to leave. The lord held us together. That man would die for me....but it wAsnt always easy.

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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Piggybacking Amanda... I would suggest Christ As well. I am more in love with my husband today than ever. 10 years later but it ain't perfect and there were some really bad times when one of us was going to leave. The lord held us together. That man would die for me....but it wAsnt always easy.

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2011

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one more thing-you said that your husband won't go to marriage counseling. Well, my father no longer calls what he does as counseling. He now does what he calls "life advisement". He has found that more mates that don't approve of counseling will listen if it is called this, so maybe your husband will listen to him. If you are looking to leave, though, my father won't just jump in and tell you to do that. Just trying to help.

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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No one is saying stay for the children. I'm saying marriage and commitment are serious and you owe it to yourself, husband and kinds to try your best. See marriage is hard and when it gets tough folks start getting 'unhappy'. Then comes feeling like you can't breathe. That's the time to say, whoa, we'e losing each other. That's when you fight. If you don't fight for your family who will?

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2011

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@Rebecca Three- and Pamela-I didn't mean to stay if abuse was involved. I did state that. But divorce rates are high because people run with their tales between their legs way too often. Sticking it out with a guy with no guts to stand up to the kids seems hard but it will be better for everyone because despite his flaws he is the boys' father and they deserve to live with him. It is a great idea to do things for yourself, Pamela, especially if they are low cost. Pick your favorites and focus on being the best You you can be. Even if your husband gets fixed, the marriage won't be perfect because no one is perfect-even us women! So, things always look greener on the other side of the fence but most of the time they aren't. Look at all of the advice from people who are divorcees themselves in here telling you to get divorced! of course they will say that because they know no better. Happiness will never fully come on this earth. Contentment is the key-and men will never satisfy this so looking elsewhere is the answer. I would suggest Christ, but that is my belief. Just find something that's not your husband! notreligion.com

Rebecca - posted on 08/08/2011

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Im just going to give you my 2 cents worth without knowing much!! I personally feel that you need to stay with the family unit... And try first to exhaust all measures... You ARE one HOT SEXY MAMMA!! Get that through your head.. I think it starts with how you feel about yourself... Start going to the gym more often, maybe get your hair done, you know have a ME TIME DAY ONCE A WEEK --IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- HAVE A GIRLFRIEND HELP... You need to bring out your "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!! Now, once your hubs and boys see this inner -- outer ULTRA confidence!! Wow, my Mommy is even more beautiful, --HUBS--wow!! My wife is beautiful.... It will be from hubs-- What was I thinkin' he'll follow you like a puppy!! " I am woman, and I can have my family unit NOT succumb to the pressure of divorce, I can have my family AND be hot, sexy, renewed, smart and all of it and more!!! You bad butt Lioness.... Go go go!!!!! You can do it!!! Happiness starts from within, don't let the unit fall victim to a copping out to divorce... Unless you are abused, then that is a different story... I dont' usually like to respond to stuff like this but, you seem such a cool person.

Christie - posted on 08/08/2011

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Leave. It will be difficult, no kidding there. But do you see this situation getting any better if you stay?

Wendy - posted on 08/08/2011

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Your unhappiness is your answer. You can not stay in a relationship that you are not happy in this in itself is not good for your boys. If you sit down with them and explain your unhappiness they may understand if not now later. They need to know you love them and what your are doing is to make everyone happy. You then need to decide if you will go for full custody or joint. Many years ago I was too unhappy had a 5 and 7 year old and made final decision to get out I got full custody and it made my life so much better and happier. Good luck with your decision.

Mrs. - posted on 08/08/2011

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Yeah, I wouldn't listen to those who give you ultimate advice off one paragraph like, DO NOT LEAVE!, no one can possibly understand your relationship from one paragraph.

I'm a bit suspect about professional counsellors telling you to out and out leave. Most good counsellors will advise you to make up your own mind or guide you with questions to explore what you might actually want. The only time I've known a quality shrink to advise flat out anything is when it is a question of personal safety, such as abuse or suicidal thought.

So, either you are talking to people who are most likely crossing the line or there are abusive aspects to the relationship, IMO. Of course, what do I know, I only read a paragraph about your relationship, I could be wrong. It just sounds odd.

This is your decision, bottom-line. You are the only one who will know when enough is enough. You will most likely feel it in your gut when you no longer want to work at something that is broken. This is all your choice and in your hands.

Surround yourself with people who support the idea that you are a smart capable woman who can make her own choices. People who won't judge you either way and will support you no matter what.

If you are not sure and need time, spend that time focusing on you and your kids. Really be good to yourself, spoil yourself and listen/spend time with your kids. Make moves to improve yourself, wether it is by doing something you've always wanted to, maybe making a new exercise habit or take a class...whatever makes you feel good about the future. This will only serve to boost your self esteem and will be valuable no matter how the marriage works out.

If your husband wants to join you in this positive direction, he can. If not, you can choose to take that under consideration.

Melanie - posted on 08/08/2011

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Wow! You have gotten a lot of advice from both sides of the issue. I would love to sit down and have a nice long talk with you about all that you are going through, but since we don't know each other, this will have to do. You don't mention your religious beliefs, and I think that plays a big part in your decision. If you know Christ as your Lord and Savior, then you already know the answer to your dilemma. If you don't know him, the best advice I can possibly give you is to get a Bible and start reading (John is a great book to start with). Find a church where the Bible is seen as the inerrant, infallable World of God and is preached as such. Your biggest problem (just like the rest of us) is sin in your life and in your husband's life. I hope you will stay and work on things, but it sounds more like you want to leave and are looking for some back up for that plan. If nothing else, can I ask that you get the Love Dare book for yourself and honestly, committedly work through it even if it is on your own. You might be surprised by the results, especially since I know there are several women here who are going to be praying for you.

Sharon - posted on 08/08/2011

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you have to work out what is making you so unhappy is it their daddy or something else then make a firm desision about what you want to do

Kerstin - posted on 08/08/2011

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why do you wait for him to make up his mind about the rest of your life? The boys will be fine and your husband is playing you and trying to give you a guilt trip! If you listen to yourself it's all about your husband but not about you, what do you want? The answer lies in the question, don't waste anymore time, good luck!

Tera - posted on 08/08/2011

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Hi,

I can totally understand where you are coming from! I'm married and have been for eleven years. We have two children ages three and two. There are times when I feel the exact same way. "Should I stay or should I go?" My husband is a GREAT DAD! I can't take anything away from him on that....But sometimes as a wife, I feel like what's the use!



Here's my advice to you.

1.Sit down and think about why you want to leave? Does it have more to do with the marriage or is it his parenting skills?

2. Has the marriage gone past the brink of repair? Are you so hurt or angry that there is nothing to keep you.

3. In all the people you have talked to, has anyone challenged both of you to take a look at your individual behavior, write about it, talk about it, address it...etc?

4. Is leaving your husband really the answer or is there something else going on that should be addressed?



And finally my dear sister, many people stay in a marriage that is dead, and unfulfilling for the sake of the kids....Only to end up mentally and emotionally messed up. Kids are perceptive, and they know something's wrong already (which could explain the anixety and behavior). If you stay in an unhealthy marriage (without anythought of how to fix it) things will get worse for you and the kids.

If you leave, you can find a resource that will offer counseling for you and your children.



I'm not in a position to tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you, if there's a little bit of something left in the marriage, then fight for it!



God Bless,

Tera

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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Right on Amanda. Marriage is freaking hard...some days you wanna throw your husband down the stairs but you keep moving. Any marriage can survive anything with two willing people. I bet your husband has no idea. Don't loose faith, you're not alone. I will be praying for you here in va. Email me if you need someone.

Amanda - posted on 08/08/2011

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DO NOT LEAVE! unless you are being abused. It will leave a black mark on your kid's lives, leaving them twice as likely to divorce their wives. This is proven in blind studies. My father is a 40year marriage counselor and can help if you'd like. 912 713 6336 Psychology Today-Michael Stoneking. Just put your foot down with those boys, always be 100% consistent, and they will grow in respect of you. They will grow up to know you were right. Unfortunately, they will begin to lose respect for their father until he starts disciplining them, but your husband will have to see that for himself before he starts being the father they need. In the meantime, I would just be as patient as I can with your husband. Men think they are right most of the time and telling him he's wrong won't help matters. Just be the best mom you can and try to show some respect to your husband every so often. He will see and begin to appreciate it. If he doesn't, he just expects it but maybe he will get with time. Love is work. Staying together your whole life is impossible if it's all about the heart. Loving with your mind is the key. Tell yourself every day you are doing this for your kids. and don't just think my father will say all of this same stuff. I don't know what he says. His sessions are confidential! But just know-no one that tells you to just leave has even half a brain!

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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It's so easy to call it quit but strong families work hard to stay together. Think about it before yiou do this. My husband and I have been through the fire with each other but by the grace of god we are
Making it. Mind you we're not talking about av
Busive households. Nowadays society tells us get out but your family is worth fighting for. Tell your husband what's going on first.

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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It's so easy to call it quit but strong families work hard to stay together. Think about it before yiou do this. My husband and I have been through the fire with each other but by the grace of god we are
Making it. Mind you we're not talking about av
Busive households. Nowadays society tells us get out but your family is worth fighting for. Tell your husband what's going on first.

Becky - posted on 08/08/2011

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I also agree with counseling. My husband an I have been together for twenty years, married for 8.. We have a 2.5 year old and a 14 month old. We have hit a very rough patch, but both agreed on counseling. We go together, he also sees someone for anger management, and I decided to see someone also. Speaking to someone together can give you an environment where you feel comfortable saying things that you may have trouble saying otherwise. The individual counseling helps me have another perspective and also gain strength in my own self and decisions. One thing with counseling, as with a little prayer is... It may not solve anything, but it will never hurt!! Again, good luck :-)

Becky - posted on 08/08/2011

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Just my opinion, but it's possible that your 8 year old has anxiety because he can sense that you and his dad are not happy. The 5 year old may be starting to notice too. If you're not happy, it won't be better for your boys if you stay. Of course it may ne hard for them at first, but they are very resilient. You also deserve to be happy!! Good luck with any decisions, and remember that no matter what you decide will be difficult, but you can only be good to others if you are good to yourself .

Lesley - posted on 08/08/2011

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my reply is to follow your heart and as long as your honest and up front with your childern even at there ages the will respect you. Also you will find you are a better mother after you make your desicion

Pamela - posted on 08/08/2011

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Counselling, counselling, counselling...first and foremost. As the Mother of 3 sons from 2 failed marriages, I know my son's hearts have been scarred from divorce. However, I they survived the divorces, as have I. None of us know what would have been different if the separations had not occurred.

Life is PRECIOUS, yet no one's life is worth being ruined by the actions of ANOTHER.



Check yourself first in the relationship, admit your errors, go forward, ask him to see and admit his. FORGIVE each other and move forward. If you try and fail because one or the other is unwilling to change, then move on. The MAIN THING is NOT TO JUDGE YOURSELF OR HIM. All that does is lead to more entanglement in negativity. The Highest and Best to you in your efforts, no matter what your choice. Do remember not to do it out of "sacrifice".

That would lead to an embittered life...not good for you or anyone around you!

LAURA - posted on 08/08/2011

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I agree. I left my husband when my daughters were 11, 8, and 2. Yes it was hard and yes they had to have counseling. They had anger but thier dad was also a abuser. They will be okay. Theres alot of kids that go through this. Matter of fact i got remarried and I am going thru the same thing. Not being happy. He's not abusive but I am un-happy.

Kerstin - posted on 08/08/2011

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I just got divorced after 20 years of mariage, I have a 13 year old and I was contemplating for a very long time s well because of my son. He is very close to his father, that's why I waited at least 5 years longer than I should have....I didn't do anybody any favors. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy but in the end everyone will be happier. If you are happy, your son will be happy, you deserve you're own life, children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. The daily stress you put on you and them is not fair...I finally coudn't take it anymore and left and so should you, you can do it :)

Sam - posted on 08/08/2011

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The.


Sounds like theproblem you are having is that your husband is neither strong nor a leader. That has created insecurity in your sons and in you. And that makes him unattractive to you. Sounds like you guys have your riles reversed. First thing you need to do is step to your husband and say hey we needto regroup. We needto schedule time alone so when you'reable to let it all out. Tell him you're unhappy, tell him you need help. Tell him specifics, tell him what he needs to do to help. Seek marital counseling. The children need counseling ás well. Ur boys need the both of you and they need the both of you, unified and ready to save your family. Feel free to email me...

Bev - posted on 08/08/2011

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what does your husband say? You need to be talking with him also. Both of you need to see the professionals together for everyones benefit. Some people do not know they are doing things that instigate. Talk Talk Talk- work things out together. The marrage belongs to both of you and the home and family belongs to all of you. Talk Please

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