Should I tell my 9 year old son he has a different father than his brother?

Tara-Ann - posted on 02/26/2013

tell ur son when he is old enough 2 understand why his bio paternal family dont wana know untill then try and keep ur son as happy as he can be the only thing i have 2 say bout them calling ur ex daddy still is maybe tell them 2 call him daddy larry that way they wont be 2 attached coz by letting them call him daddy that is building up the attachment and what happens if/when he gets married and has a kid of his own ad the other lady tries 2 stop him seeing them?

Dove - posted on 06/10/2012

Nick deserves to have the basic info on his bio dad and that bio dad was not able to be a father/dad to him (NOT any of the horrible things bio has said though). As long as the boys know who the other two men actually are (step dad/bio dad for one, and perhaps awesome 'uncle' for the other) towards them, I don't think there should be any issue made about what the boys choose to CALL these men... unless the men have a problem with it and then the boys could come up with an alternative that is agreeable to everyone.

Amber - posted on 06/10/2012

To them, Zach is both of their father. They know me and Larry were going to get married and aren't anymore but because of their strong relationship they want him to continue being their "stepdad". so they have their Dad Zach and Dad Larry(which they know isn't their bio dad). So i was wondering if that is unhealthy for them, to call them both dad.. Also for when I do marry in the future. And No they have no idea Nick (my oldest) has a different bio father. This is a horrible situation =( Nick is so happy and I honestly never think about this other man being his bio. To me it's...Zach is their father and Larry is their Daddy.

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2012

I think the truth is good to tell. In some cases it is hard to tell. But, if you don't tell him the truth, the whole truth, then he may get upset with you because you didn't tell him, if it would come out from someone else. What I mean is...who knows...this Zach guy could end up telling your oldest that he really isn't the father of him. He is going to wonder who is. Then when he asks, You are going to be offguard. I would sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that you got pregnant with him and his biological father didn't want to be a father. You took care of him because you love him. He may ask you why he didn't want to be a father. Then you need to tell him that he didn't want children. When he grows up, he may still have that question. I would tell him that his biological didn't want him born, but you wanted him, because you love him. For if it comes out. You tell him the whole truth, if he knows what it all means. If you feel that he is needing to know now, then tell him, if you feel that he is needed to know of why the biological father didn't want him, I would tell him later on. But, he will want to know.

But, also, explain. That it takes a real man to be a father. That anyone can be a dad...But it takes someone with truth to say they are his father. If you know what I am saying. This guy Larry is excepting that he is their father. Look, you don't have to have the genes to be a father.
It would be as if your child was adopted. Would you tell him that he had biological parents? If you love him, you will tell the truth. And tell him, even though someone helped make him to come into this world, that someone considers being their father. YOu may not be with Larry anymore. If he has been there for them..I would continue to allow it. I had a father in law. He is dead now. But, I could tell him things that I couldn't to my biological father.Just because, one holds the gene of blood, doesn't mean they are the "daddy". As for Zack..he really isn't a daddy either or father because once a month...don't cut it. The one who is the father is the one whom is there always for them. Even though they don't have the gene. I wouldn't break that up. But, truthfullness is right. Does your 2nd son know that Zach is his father? Your 1st thinks Zach is the dad, right. Just tell them both the truth. It will be easier now to tell . But, when your oldest is older, I would tell him about the abortion thing... for one simple reason...if your son would want to go look up his biological father...you don't want him to find out that he wanted him to be aborted....then he is going to feel horrible and maybe get mad because you didn't tell him the whole story.
I hope that you are understanding of what I am trying to say here.

Dana - posted on 06/10/2012

I would tell him the truth, now, before he continues to have the wrong idea. If you don't set him straight now, he's going to hold it against you that you've lied. However, I would NEVER tell him the things that Shai has said, or what his family has said. I would just leave it simple; that after continued effort on your end, his father doesn't want any contact. If you were to tell your son the things he has said, it will only hurt HIM, not the image of his father. I imagine he'll have a fairly accurate image of him, without the added hurt of his father's words.

I can only imagine how difficult this is, but I think that he's old enough to understand, and I think he's still young enough that you'll both be able to move onward from this, easily. You shouldn't have to wander through life with this big secret weighing on your mind/back. Let it all go and enjoy life with your boys - you'll all be the better for it! :)