Should I tell my 9 year old son he has a different father than his brother?

Amber - posted on 06/10/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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NOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE, PLEASE BEAR WITH ME
I got pregnant at 17 by a friend (Shai) during the time my high school boyfriend (Zach) and I were taking a "break" from each other. After finding out I was pregnant I had no doubt in my mind that I was keeping my child. Shai on the other hand wanted me to have an abortion. He and his family kept telling me to get rid of it, kill it and saying I was a slut and a "stupid American girl" and just very hurtful remarks. I cut off all communication with him and his family and me and Zach got back together shortly after. Zach knew I got pregnant and he wanted to be the father to my son. We got pregnant 2 years later and unfortunately our relationship fell apart so I left him when I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd son. He became verbally abusive. Zach did step up to be the "father" but he was never a daddy to my kids. He wasn't supporting them in any way. He saw them when it was convenient for him and when he wasn't to tired from drinking and going out the night before (so maybe once every 2 weeks) I met a wonderful man 3 years later and was engaged. By this time my kids hardly ever saw their father and started calling my fiance, Larry, Dad. They knew who their real father was, but they also knew who was being the Dad, and who they had the closest relationship with. We were together for 4 years and ended up splitting up last year. Me and Larry still have a great friendship. He wanted to continue seeing the boys and my kids wanted to continue seeing him. THIS IS WHERE I NEED HELP

Because Larry was so good with them..he was such a great father...I let them continue on with their relationship (Zach still hardly ever being in the picture) and my kids need a father in their lives. Now, I explained to my kids that we are no longer getting married but that Larry still loved them with all of his heart and it doesn't change anything between them and Larry. I also started referring to him as LARRY instead of DADDY right after we parted. They asked me if they can still have him as a Daddy because they love him so much. So I explained to them the situation again and told them yes.

It has now been almost 2 years since me and Larry have separated and my kids go to his house every week, every school 3-day weekends, hollidays and during summer break. They still call him daddy But they know who their Dad Zach is and see him about once a month.
First, Am I doing the right thing by letting them call him daddy still? they have such a close relationship and they dont seem to be confused or concerned at all. They know daddy Larry and Dad Zach.....Now i'm worried when the time comes for me to get married to another man what they will think. And to add to it, The main reason I posted this, my first son has a different biological father than my younger son. Shai, the guy who said all those horrible things about the baby and myself. Do I tell my son the truth? How do I tell him the reason his Bio. father doesn't want him? Keep in mind I tried contacting Shai when My son was 2 yrs old and his family Blew up on me over the phone and told me never to call their house again that this baby is going to ruin lives, then they changed their number. What do I do??? Do I tell him or do I let him be happy??? Please help =(

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Trippingdaisy48 - posted on 09/15/2013

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When I was 7 and my brother was 10 we found out we didn't have the same dad. My mom just explained to him that his dad was young and wasn't ready. She never talked bad about him and told my brother that when he was ready,she'd find him. He was 20 when he decided he wanted to know his bio dad,she found him. now he's 27 now,and wants NOTHING to do with with his bio dad but he did get amazing siblings and some pretty awesome cousins we all keep in contact with. My had the same thing happen to her with her older sister, she says it's just a feeling... Me and Jess always knew something was off,so we asked. Do it when you feel like he's at stage he'll understand,if you wait too long it will just cause anger against you. Good luck!

Dove - posted on 06/10/2012

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Nick deserves to have the basic info on his bio dad and that bio dad was not able to be a father/dad to him (NOT any of the horrible things bio has said though). As long as the boys know who the other two men actually are (step dad/bio dad for one, and perhaps awesome 'uncle' for the other) towards them, I don't think there should be any issue made about what the boys choose to CALL these men... unless the men have a problem with it and then the boys could come up with an alternative that is agreeable to everyone.

Dana - posted on 06/10/2012

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I would tell him the truth, now, before he continues to have the wrong idea. If you don't set him straight now, he's going to hold it against you that you've lied. However, I would NEVER tell him the things that Shai has said, or what his family has said. I would just leave it simple; that after continued effort on your end, his father doesn't want any contact. If you were to tell your son the things he has said, it will only hurt HIM, not the image of his father. I imagine he'll have a fairly accurate image of him, without the added hurt of his father's words.

I can only imagine how difficult this is, but I think that he's old enough to understand, and I think he's still young enough that you'll both be able to move onward from this, easily. You shouldn't have to wander through life with this big secret weighing on your mind/back. Let it all go and enjoy life with your boys - you'll all be the better for it! :)

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Tara-Ann - posted on 02/26/2013

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tell ur son when he is old enough 2 understand why his bio paternal family dont wana know untill then try and keep ur son as happy as he can be the only thing i have 2 say bout them calling ur ex daddy still is maybe tell them 2 call him daddy larry that way they wont be 2 attached coz by letting them call him daddy that is building up the attachment and what happens if/when he gets married and has a kid of his own ad the other lady tries 2 stop him seeing them?

Amber - posted on 06/10/2012

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To them, Zach is both of their father. They know me and Larry were going to get married and aren't anymore but because of their strong relationship they want him to continue being their "stepdad". so they have their Dad Zach and Dad Larry(which they know isn't their bio dad). So i was wondering if that is unhealthy for them, to call them both dad.. Also for when I do marry in the future. And No they have no idea Nick (my oldest) has a different bio father. This is a horrible situation =( Nick is so happy and I honestly never think about this other man being his bio. To me it's...Zach is their father and Larry is their Daddy.

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2012

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I think the truth is good to tell. In some cases it is hard to tell. But, if you don't tell him the truth, the whole truth, then he may get upset with you because you didn't tell him, if it would come out from someone else. What I mean is...who knows...this Zach guy could end up telling your oldest that he really isn't the father of him. He is going to wonder who is. Then when he asks, You are going to be offguard. I would sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that you got pregnant with him and his biological father didn't want to be a father. You took care of him because you love him. He may ask you why he didn't want to be a father. Then you need to tell him that he didn't want children. When he grows up, he may still have that question. I would tell him that his biological didn't want him born, but you wanted him, because you love him. For if it comes out. You tell him the whole truth, if he knows what it all means. If you feel that he is needing to know now, then tell him, if you feel that he is needed to know of why the biological father didn't want him, I would tell him later on. But, he will want to know.

But, also, explain. That it takes a real man to be a father. That anyone can be a dad...But it takes someone with truth to say they are his father. If you know what I am saying. This guy Larry is excepting that he is their father. Look, you don't have to have the genes to be a father.
It would be as if your child was adopted. Would you tell him that he had biological parents? If you love him, you will tell the truth. And tell him, even though someone helped make him to come into this world, that someone considers being their father. YOu may not be with Larry anymore. If he has been there for them..I would continue to allow it. I had a father in law. He is dead now. But, I could tell him things that I couldn't to my biological father.Just because, one holds the gene of blood, doesn't mean they are the "daddy". As for Zack..he really isn't a daddy either or father because once a month...don't cut it. The one who is the father is the one whom is there always for them. Even though they don't have the gene. I wouldn't break that up. But, truthfullness is right. Does your 2nd son know that Zach is his father? Your 1st thinks Zach is the dad, right. Just tell them both the truth. It will be easier now to tell . But, when your oldest is older, I would tell him about the abortion thing... for one simple reason...if your son would want to go look up his biological father...you don't want him to find out that he wanted him to be aborted....then he is going to feel horrible and maybe get mad because you didn't tell him the whole story.
I hope that you are understanding of what I am trying to say here.

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