Should i tell my son that the guy i married is not his real dad and should i let him meet his real dad?

Cleo - posted on 05/08/2012

Hi! I agree with Sarah, ur son shud know his father, my son is 6 as well n doesn't know his dad either n I married a gr8 man dat looks after him n cares about him a lot. I however did tell my son about his dad bt his dad never makes time to see him so I refuse to run after him, I believe any boy can make a baby bt it takes a man too look after his responsibilities. That's just my point in life. Bt allow ur childs dad to see ur son, better late than never.

Jenny - posted on 05/08/2012

It's all in the delivery....your son is lucky because most people only have one Dad who loves them - he has two! Keep it upbeat, answer his questions honestly and briefly (he really doesn't need to know all the details of the romance), and follow what he would like to do. Just think down the road, your 6 year old will become a man and if this information was kept from him or you kept him from his biological Dad, what kind of resentment will there be then? A 6 year old is much more forgiving and understanding. This could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship for all of you! The only caution I would have is to make sure all visitation happens with you there the whole time as support.

Lucille - posted on 05/08/2012

Yes you must tell your son , when he is old enough to understand continue contact with the father, your son will make his own mind up when old enough but don't disappoint your son by not telling him who his father is , but let his bond grow with the man you married.

Sharon - posted on 05/08/2012

My mum told me when i was 12 that my "dad" wasnt my dad, i felt hurt and betrayed that she had lied to me all those years and the first thing i wanted to do is meet my biological father. Your son is only 6 and i think its a good time to tell him he can meet the man that helped make him, explain that you both gave it a go when he was orn and decided that you didnt love each other anymore so therefore you moved away. Tell him he doesnt have to stop calling daddy "daddy" make sure he knows you both still love him and you both be here for him, but explain that his BIO dad would like to meet him and maybe have regular contact. My mum made it exciting for me and i respected the fact that she never ever put him down, or complained that he didnt pay, or make an effort to see me, i made my own judgements and asked him my own questions. I am 33 now and have a really good relationship with both my mum and my dad, The man i called Dad for 15 yrs lives abroad and i have very little contact wth him, its my bio dad has been there throughout my teen years and adulthood. Your son is still very young and younger children do adapt far more than we give them credit for, good luck x

Amanda - posted on 05/07/2012

wow, I found out when I was 5 that the man i thought was my dad was not. I love my "step"dad with all my heart. i was told in not the best of ways from my mom's mom who yelled it at me. my "step" dad raised me from the time i was 10 months old. he is the only father figure i knew, granted i had a long distince relationship with my bio family it stunk cause it always seemed they didnt care for me. when i was in my 20's we moved to the same state as my bio and they treated me like crap. sometimes i wish i never knew about by bio side but in a way im glad i do because it makes me realize it is on them that they do not want to have anything to do with me or my son. but i hope for ur son that it does turn out better for him then it did for me. any guy can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy and your husband is your son's daddy. and before you tell your son about his bio make sure he understand the difference and that there is a really strong bond between your husband and son that will not be broken because sometimes when kids find out the truth they lose respect for the "step parent. good luck

Sarah - posted on 05/07/2012

Honestly, I really don't think it matters where they meet. It's not really an issue that I have. I just believe that both father and son have a right to get to know each other. I certainly am not faulting her with any of her decisions, I do think she likely did what was best for her son and her at the time. I just also think it would be very difficult for a young teenage father to fly interstate (and we don't know how far they are apart, are they one state apart or on opposite sides of the country) to visit his son. If he can't afford child support, how can he afford flights? It sounds to me as if he has educated himself and is now in a position to contribute more. I think he needs to be given the benefit of the doubt that his intentions are honorable. I can see in so many other people's writing a lot of anger and heartache over their own experiences and I don't particularly think that this allows them to be objective because they're bringing their own emotions and experiences to her story. I truly hope that everything will work out well in their story for the sake of that little boy.

Susan - posted on 05/07/2012

Jamie!! Great job! You said it so much better than I did-but i was trying to state the same. I have NEVER posted before either--but felt I had to on this issue.

Jamie - posted on 05/07/2012

Sarah, sadly as I continued to read posts, yours was just the first, and on the mild side and least offensive of the judgmental posts I read. This is the first time I have felt compelled to post due to the fact that it appeared that this mother was being attacked for her decision, to move, to marry, to stop initiating contact with the bio dad, her education of all things, and her choice to not concern her infant son with adult matters that frankly he would not have understood anyway. It is very sad that a person turns to this site for help and advice and receives such negative feedback to attempt to make her feel guilty for choices she made as a teenager trying to give her child a better life. Simple facts- Scared teenage dad could have stopped her from moving, taken legal action, simply asked to continue a visitation schedule after she moved, or at very least could have taken the initiative to continue phone contact. You said that after years of making no contact with this mother and child, maybe he didn't want to visit her because of work obligations, expenses or fear because he didn't know anybody there? Again, taking the side of the CHILD, what about his fear? Shouldn't bio dad be the ADULT and take his son's feelings, fears, and comfort into consideration and put them before his own. He has a responsibility to this child and if he doesn't recognize that then maybe he still isn't ready to be a dad. I am so sick of people preaching about parental rights. The only person that should have any rights is the child that didn't ask to be here, all others have responsibilities... mothers and fathers, and this mother has been honoring her responsibilities for the past 5 years. Speaking of... what about the work obligations and expenses for the mother who has been financially supporting this child all these years consistently? After this experience I dread reading any other questions/answers. Amazing to see how many people are perfect and have never made a questionable decision in their lives.
In this case the point is moot, she has now told her son of his second father... Ashley- Glad to hear it went well with your son!! Good luck to you and your family in the future.

Renee - posted on 05/07/2012

all i got to say is make sure you have court pappers for your son that you got custdady. i didnt do that for my daughter and after 4 years later the father decided to come back into the picture to spend timewith her that i have lost my daughter with a bad court case of me getting 2 hour supervise visits on sat. but he also took that from me also that i havent seen my daughter for 9 years and know i am fitting in court again to see her. so what ever way you are planning to do get the court pappers first before he decide to take your son from you and you cant do anything about it.

Shelly - posted on 05/07/2012

Hon my youngest child spent the first 8yrs of his life not knowing that the man he called daddy was not his genetic father. Joe was there from the time I was 6mnth pregnant the man I got pregnant to didn't want to know from just after I got pregnant. I decided to tell Khael about his genetic father when he was about 8 as he started asking questions about why he didn't look like anyone in particular. I just explained it to him nicely and he understood it. His genetic father still doesn't want anything to do with him but they have met. I think you should explain it to him it's his right to know and to choose to see his genetic father. If you hide it from him it could come back to hurt all of you's later. I have seen this happen far too many times.

Charlene - posted on 05/07/2012

Hi, I agree with others and think you should have him come and visit you. Wow lucky kid to have two Dad's to love him. This is your Daddy that helped make you and this is the Daddy that lives with us and takes care of you everyday. Something like that should be enough of an explanation for a 6 year old.

He is reaching out and trying (I know its scary) my son is 13 and even after court and garnished wages for support never calls. They have never met. Is there a possibility he could take you to court for access?? Good luck

Jamie - posted on 05/07/2012

Allow for a supervised visit, after discussing with your husband and your son what is going to be taking place. It is not your right to keep him from his bio dad. If the dad meets your son and has a few visits and then falls back out f your sons life, it will hurt, but at least your son will know that it was his bio dad that chose that decision not you or him. And, you never know, he might have a good relationship with him, allowing for him to be able to have better contact with his bio dads family and he will hopefully then have more love and support then he knows what to do with. I hope it all works out. You have had him oley to yourself so it might be hard to have to "share" him. It seems that his dad lives out of state, that might help or hurt the relationship, but there is a phone. I hope that he can Respect what YOU have done for your soon thus far and your Husband for being there, not only financially but in all physical and emoitional means as well. It might be hard not to resent him for being a young irresponsible parent and not being there, but maybe that's what he needed to do to be a better father to him know and in the future, remember everyone grows up, don't hold on to the past but learn from it. Good Luck!

Christine - posted on 05/07/2012

I agree, he needs to come to you and if your husband and you don't feel comfortable being present then someone you both trust and your son trusts should be present. I also agree it is important your husband and you are on the same page and supportive of each other in the decision you make. Reguardless if you decide to have the biological father involved or not I believe it is important for him to know that he is special and has two fathers, or however you want to word it. Praying for your family!

Rita - posted on 05/07/2012

I think it is unfortunate that your son was conceived under such circumstances. Additionally, I think it's sad that you've allowed your son to believe that your husband is his father. Had your husband showed desires to adopt your son [then] I'd think semi-better about the situation. However, I believe your son had (and has) a right to know that your husband [is NOT] his biological father. I would respect your situation better had you (softly, gently) told your son the [truth] about his biological dad. The same way you've described in this post. I think you should allow your son's father an open door to have establish a relationship with his son. I wouldn't get on a plane, nor would I allow my son to travel to him . . . it would have to be all strong efforts made by your son's biological father. I would [NEVER] tell my son anything about an impending visit by his biological father or (at this point an existence of his biological father) until I was 100% sure the bio-dad was in your current town to visit with his son (supervised by your presence). At that point I would then talk to my son & explain your reasons to your son first & foremost why you never told him about his bio-dad. Please be prepared for a negative or hurtful response from your son . . . I have butterflies in my stomach just imaging how hearing this type of information from a parent at such a young age, smh. I could have never done this to my child. I think the sooner you tell your son the better (whether the bio-dad) wants a relationship with your son or not, I think you should sit down alone with your son (maybe at a restaurant, the 2 of you) and apologize, apologize, apologize . . . and let him know that adults [don't always] make the right decision but that you did what you knew how to do and that you are so sorry but . . . yada yada (spill your heart out, mildly to your son) and reassure him of how much you love him and want what's best for him. I'm saying a prayer for you, your son, and your son's bio-dad that all three of you can mesh this situation out well. Please always keep the door open that your son may have/establish a loving relationship with his bio-dad. If it is to be damaged, let it be because bio-dad messed it up & not that [you] prevented it. I wish you well is your major decisions that you're faced with. God bless you always!

Crystal - posted on 05/07/2012

I would have to say yes in this situation. Like Sarah Klauzer said they both have a right to know each other. I personally have not been in this type of situation but I have a really good friend who still to this day is. Her son will be 17 this summer and he still does not know his bio father. He has made comments about feeling different from his brothers and sister, but just cant put his finger on it. She has gotten opinions from family and friends about what she should do. She has chosen not to tell him. I have always felt she should. He has a right to know where he comes from. His father has reached out a couple of times as far as wanting to see him, he has given a little support, but at the same time my friend never asked for it. She married his step father when her son was 6 months so he really has no reason to suspect his father of any different. My question would also be. God for bit it never happen to anyone in this situation, but what if something happened to the child and he needed an organ or blood and the only one that might be able to help him survive is his bio father. Yes I do feel that you should have all of your ducks in a row and yes I do feel that he should come to you first. He is reaching out to you, he should come to you! I wish you nothing but the best of luck for you and your son as well as both dad and bio father.


what id

Lisa - posted on 05/07/2012

You need to be honest with your son. Secrets have a way of coming out and you don't want your son to be angry with you later. Tell how lucky he is to have so many people who love him. I would have his biological father come to where you live so it would be less disruptive and confusing for your son. You owe it to him (and your husband) to insist on regular child support payments. That is his responsibility and I'm guessing you could use the money for his clothing and other basic needs. I would also tell his biological father that he needs to be in your son's life on a regular basis or not at all. No wandering in and out whenever he feels like it. You were both so young, if he wants to do the right thing now I would give him the chance but since he is a stranger make sure you supervise their visits until you are sure your son is safe with him. Good luck!

Megan - posted on 05/07/2012

First, I would like to say that this is one of the hardest positions to be in, and I commend you for seeking advice on how to handle it! I've been dealing with the EXACT same situation, same circumstances too. I was 17, had my son, his "dad" (I use that term loosely seeing as being a dad constitutes so much more than creating a child) told me he wasn't ready to be a parent (even though he was 23) and moved 5 hours away to be with some girl he met off myspace that had a son of her own......I'll never understand. I met the man that has stepped up and helped me raise Christian (my son) two weeks before his second birthday.....he'll be 7 in November. Christian calls him dad.....he IS Christian's dad!

About once a year I receive an email from his biological dad apologizing for not having been there, and claiming that he wants to be there for him now.....he wants a fresh start, he wants to get to know him, etc. Although I don't share these emails with Christian, I've always been very up front with him and have answered any and all questions he's had about his absent father (with age appropriate answers of course). I've told his bio dad that if he's serious about being in his son's life that he needs to make an honest effort that starts with 90 days of either calling/texting/emailing EVERYDAY to validate his claim of "wanting to make a change". Unfortunately, he's never lasted more than a few weeks. He complains that 90 days is too long, but in my opinion, 90 days is NOTHING compared to the (almost) 6 years he's gone without being part of his life.

The older they get, the more serious the questions get. Recently, Christian has been asking much more "in depth" questions. His dad and I just talk with him about it. A few weeks ago, at the dinner table, Christian had out of the blue asked, "Mom, do you think that Matt thinks about me?" I told him that I wasn't sure, but he'd have to be crazy not to. He said, "Mom, I'm so lucky to have two dads! If Matt didn't help you make me, then Dad couldn't have found us to help you love me." It honestly brought tears to my eyes. I'll never understand why he left Christian, or how his heart allowed him to; but that's not my cross to bear. I know that we'll have many conversations about Matt and the decision he made throughout the years, and that they only get harder from here. But it's okay. My best advice to you is to do what YOU think is best. Trust yourself and your judgement. You're his mom, and no one in the world will have his best interest at heart like you will. Good luck!

TRENNIECE - posted on 05/07/2012

I just recently went through this same scenario with my 8yr old. Its such a bad place to be in because no parent wants to be bad guy. My situation had a little different ending. My sons biological father really wanted to be more active once I agreed to stop child support payments altogether. He had jumped in and out but I never fully committed to them meeting ever since the last time he seen my son which was when my son was only 11months. Im currently with another man whom my son has known since he was 1 1/2 years old. And he calls him dad! So I finally told my son this year and his reaction was not of what I expected. I thought that he would feel upset about the situation bug instead he handled it In a very mature manner. He accepted it and to my surprise never asks any questions. He told me that he knows that his parents
Love him and thats all that matters. I think that you should tell him. It'll be a great relief on your part. Good luck!

Tina - posted on 05/07/2012

They have a right to each other for sure! Keeping it a secret is def. only going to hurt in the long run. Make sure that he knows that it's totally OK to have two Dads and love them equally! - Sounds like a small thing but we had a hard time with that when we were kids - and once given permission to love both life got so much easier!

I would ask your ex to start writing him letters though to start building a relationship again with your son - I'd prob ask him to come visit vs. you going out there for the first time. Good Luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 05/07/2012

The advice I can give is coming from personal experience. From your son's perspective you need to tell him whether or not he meets him. The man who he thinks is his bio dad will still remain your son's main father. THAT will not change. However your son should meet his bio dad after you've spoken to him and his family multiple times and know more about his life then be there with your son when he does meet him. Your son may feel lots of emotions, sadness, anger, confusion all that. All I can say is be there for him if and when he wants to talk, answer any and all questions he has open and honestly and just support him the best you can. If after your son meets his bio dad and that man stops wanting to be in your son's life then just continue to be there for him and let him know its not his fault and he did nothing wrong. He may hurt but he will be okay as long as you're there for him. I hope this helps and any further questions you have feel free to ask. This is a big thing for both your son, you and your husband but honesty is the best policy. Good luck.

Naomi - posted on 05/07/2012

My sister has been in this sitution and she told him. His reaction was- "What, I've got more grandparents and uncles and aunts and they've never given me birthday or christmas presents?!" You could almost see the dolar signs in his eyes! Bless. He now sees his biological father once a fortnight and it's all very amicable. The father is inviably late, delayed, buys overly extravagant gifts and is pretty useless. My sister expects little from him and has decided not to let it bother her. I anything it was hardest on her husband. My nephew has the best of it! Good luck. xxxx

Donna - posted on 05/06/2012

I so totally agree with you Becky! This world needs more men like your father. I applaud him, but I am sure he did it because he loved you 3 and DNA has nothing to do with it. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
I was raised with both of my biological parents together and they stayed married until my mom died of cancer 2 years ago, I always knew just how special their relationship was to be married for 43 years and raise 3 children. It wasn't always easy but they did it and I love them for it. I have been married for almost 15 years and we have 2 children. It is not easy at all.
Thanks again Becky.
Donna

Becky - posted on 05/06/2012

Donna, My Dad adoped us when we were 7.9, and 11 years old. Yes, we knew our (real) father(he gave us up). My Dad is the guy that was there threw all of the hard times, sickness and teen years. He was there to help with caring for his grandchildren and is still here to slip treats to the greatgrand children. We all need to to applaud those men and women that chose to love their children inspite of the fact there was someone else's DNA in the begining. I think if I could have chosen to not know that other guy. I would have been just fine. I think it would have been better for my brother to not know that we weren't important. My little brother really didn't understand. It affected us each differently. I am sure it it is different with every child. I just feel that a lot of the time the ones who get least attention are the ones who need it the most. I thank God for my Dad and Mom for taking care of us when (he) didn't.

Miranda - posted on 05/06/2012

I, too, had a child at seventeen with someone I was with for four total years. Nobody was in the right state of mind, but I grew up when I found out my little angel was in my belly! He didn't. He never did. We split up before she was born and got back together around her first birthday only to find out that he was the same worthless @$$ as before. Luckily, my daughter was young enough to not remember. She is now almost four and hasn't seen her biological father in over two years and he supposedly would like to have a relationship with her now that he's having another baby. He has never paid for anything. Has missed her birthdays. All of her milestones. My boyfriend stepped up. She knows him as her father. I personally don't want to have anything to do with someone who sacrificed his own daughter for drugs and other people. Your som's father may be a better person. You know that, I don't. If anything, I would suggest having him come to YOUR home several times as an "old friend" or something to see if he shows up, how he and your son interact, what kind of person he has tuned out to be, etc. if things go well, let your son know how special he is to have an awesome mommy and TWO daddies! Hope things go well for you and yours.

Donna - posted on 05/06/2012

Becky, I do agree with you on that point. I think the bio dad was selfish and irresponsible to just disappear from his sons life!!!!!!!! All I can say is I am glad god made mothers!!!!!!!! I know a few teen mothers who stepped up when the dads wouldn't, I do not understand how you can bring a child into this world and just say I can't take it so leave the responsibility of raising the child on the mother. I have 2 children and would not leave them for anything!!!
My point was if she is going to do it see a therapist 1st so they can help the child. :o)

Becky - posted on 05/06/2012

I am very surprised at all of the people who think it is ok for the Biological father to just show up a tear this childs life apart, after being absent for most of his life. Yes, I think the father should be a part of his life from the beginning and there are some cases where that is difficult. Being a parent is difficult. If the bio Mom just decides it is to hard and doesn't take care of the child, the mom or (custodial parent) would be charged with neglect, or worse. I see this so often and my daughter has a similar situaltion, I would not take the child out of his home to meet a stranger that is going to upset him. He needs the comfort and protection of his familiar suroundings, His bedroom and toys etc. The people and things That are important to him. The priority should be the child, not the adult. Make this stranger come for visits and get to know him before you decide to tell him. maybe he wont be that interested in putting in the effort and maybe he will. I just think you need to put the childs feelings first.

Donna - posted on 05/06/2012

I agree with Rebecca Smith. I think seeing a therapist 1st along with the bio father (and the father that raised him, he should be included too. This man stepped up when bio dad wouldn't.). A therapist would be able to tell you the best way to explain everything to your child. Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers.

Edye - posted on 05/06/2012

I didn't know who my bio dad was until I was 38. My mother died when I was 26, and 12 years later the family friend 'fesses up to me. My namesake dad who was estranged from me and mom still doesn't know I'm not his. My mom had an affair. Bio Dad was married with children. This has been my private mountain to climb because both dads were deadbeats. No need to live a lie. Tell the truth now. The potential of having two loving dads is better than having one. Invite the bio dad down to meet your husband. Discuss, get to know each other, form a united front. Let bio dad and son meet. Do fun stuff. Then tell the son in a way that's upbeat. The second dad (if he's on board) can be part of it. That way the son will see it's all good. Minimize the drama but not the importance. Let the boy express his feelings. Go with his flow and encourage bio dad to do the same. Praise bio dad, your husband and son for handling he situation well. They will all need encouragement for their individual contribution to trying to make this situation right. And I will give you advance praise, dear mom, for wanting to do the right thing.

Theresa - posted on 05/06/2012

I didn't know my Dad. My Mom and him stopped dating before she found out that she was pregnant. By the time she told him about me, I was 4 and he had a son a little younger than me and was married. He did nothing to meet me and my Mom never pushed it. He died when I was 13 and I didn't even have a picture. If I had found out that he had wanted to meet me and my Mom had denied him I would have been really upset. Now that I have my own kids, I contacted his sister. What a shock that was to her, but getting to know about that side of my family is something that is so important, like knowing what diseases run in the family and just about the history. I wish I had more info or got to meet him. It's such a hard decision but you need to make one that is right for YOU and your son.

Joanbezuidenhout - posted on 05/06/2012

Hi Ashley, I have read your story and I think it would be wise to discuss it with your husband and
then both of you can sit down with your son and explain the situation to him. That would be the
first step and then when it has been discussed with him - he will naturally have questions to ask -
then it will be good if you and your husband can respond to him. You will then be able to see his
reaction to meeting his biological father and take it from there. I hope this will be of some help and I wish you all the best in sorting it all out amicably. God bless you all. Joan Bezuidenhout

Bonnie - posted on 05/06/2012

You can not change the past. All you can do is be honest. Kids understand more then we give them credit for. You didn't keep him from his father. If you are afraid of how your son will handle this consult a theraphist. My son has always known who his real father is, but dad is the guy who has been in his life since he was 3. My other two children often ask why they don't have two dads. Best of luck! As a mom you will know what to do when the time comes. :)

Sarah - posted on 05/06/2012

It's not judgmental when you're seeing two sides to a story. I'm not taking any sides, and if I were to take a side, it would be the side of THE CHILD. Yes, she stayed and cared for her child, that's very admirable. Apparently he did too until she moved away. Encouraging someone to move past their feelings on him not being there so that she can have an amicable relationship with her child's father so that they can both have a relationship with their child is not being judgmental. Personally I think the people who don't see the father's side of the story are the ones passing judgment. You may be defending the mom, but I'm not attacking her, I'm simply pointing out that fathers have rights to see their children, child support has nothing to do with it, and children have a right to know their parents. I'm not passing judgement, I'm stating my opinion, just as you are yours. I respect your opinions even if I don't agree with them.

Aimee - posted on 05/06/2012

I would talk to your son and explain some of it so he only being 6 ca understand. I would also talk to ur husband about what is going on if he doesnt already know. Ur sons bio should get another chance to be a dad to his son. I would def want to go to check out his living situation and go from there. I personally wouldnt leave ur son with him at any point and u or your husband not being there. Kids are smarter than what we give them credit for. In time he will learn on his own if his bio really loves him and makes an effort to see talk and spend time with him, and if it is all just BS you can then explain to your son that he does love him but he really doesnt have the time to be a dad like he has already that being your husband. As he gets older he will respect that you did and tried to let his Bio be in his life. But no matter what was to happen your son will always no who has been a father/dad to him since he was 1!

Jamie - posted on 05/06/2012

Sarah Klauzer- you sound very judgmental and that doesn't help anyone. The father may have been a scared teen, but I'm guessing Ashley was too and she didn't run away. Any decision she made was the best she could do at the time. Ashley- your one and only priority is your son and you are the only one that can decide what is best for him. If you decide to introduce his biological father you should do it in a manner that your son is most comfortable. Familiar surroundings and loving family with him. You should absolutely meet with his father first to set ground rules and get a feel for his motives and his commitment level. He can't just come disrupt your home just to lay claim to his DNA and never come around again. If he is sincere introduce them let them build a bond. It isn't necessarily about proving himself but instead not just sending your son off with a complete stranger. if you don't try to work it out amongst yourselves, he may seek legal remedies and when a court is involved what you know is best for your child is out the window and what a complete stranger says (judge)and the fathers legal rights take over.

Mary - posted on 05/06/2012

That is a very big decision to make. Iv got a similar situation with my daughter of 3. I for one think he's too young right now but I completely understand ur worry about him being mad at u later on. As I said with my daughter...id rather her be mad at me later then possible hurt or injury now. I might send him some pics and give it some time...see if he actually stays in contact see if he has really changed b4 taking that huge step...cause all its going to do right now is confuse ur poor little boy. And I most definitely wouldn't go just u and him...make sure ur hisband goes too if u decide to do the meet and greet thing. Good luck on ur future! I'll pray for u and ur family and for guidance on making the right decision! :-)

Christel - posted on 05/06/2012

I have to say that I went through a similar situation. My son was about 1 1/2 when I met my now ex-boyfrined. We were together for almost 7yrs and about 5yrs into the relationship I had an aunt tell him that my then boyfriend wasn't his dad. I'm not sure that he totally understood what that meant at the time so we decided to sit him down and explain to him what she meant. When we fully explained what was going on he cried for so long.It hurt all of us more than I ever thought it would. We really never made a consious effort to keep it away from my son it just was never something that we talked about.Looking back on it I think we should have made it clear as to who my boyfrined was instead of just going without saying anything.You should want for him to see his dad so that he can know who he is.Keeping his dad from him is not fair to everyone involved and would be cheating everyone out of a greater life. To be able to have his dad around will give him and yourself so much more love and support. His dad may not have done what he was supposed to in all aspects(finacial and physical) but he is now wanting to be there and you should appreciate that for what it's worth and allow him to be that man that you and your son need. I know it's not easy but it is something that needs to be done. I would hate for your son to grow up and resent you for not allowing him to know his dad. Speaking from experiance it will work out for the better as long as you use good communication skills. Communication is the key to ensuring that it works out for the best, Good luck in what ever you choose to do.Just remember who the most importtant person is in this whole situation, you SON.

Michele - posted on 05/06/2012

Whatever you decide, remember that many men can be a "Father", however, it takes a special man to be a "Daddy."!

Qiona - posted on 05/06/2012

Hi there, I think you need to tell the baby the truth then tell your kids real dad & you're husband that you need to meet & have a conversation regarding the kids well being & to let the real dad know once he gets caught up on back child support & show that he's not scared anymore & proves himself then I think that's how it should be & even if he don't do right at least you & your husband did threw right thing for your child &then at that point your child can make his own decision about his real dad & his step father which I think is the real dad cause he accepted another mans responsibility & that's a real man, good luck
Qi

Stephanie - posted on 05/06/2012

I was married, and had two boys, 12 months apart. I divorced when the boys were 6 mo and 18 months old. My ex husband never saw them, they are now 11 and 10, my ex owes tens of thousands of money in child support I will never see for my kids. 8 yes ago, I met a wonderful man. We got married and he legally adopted my boys. They know they are adopted but don't care. They have no memory of their bio dad. I don't have to worry about my ex doing what URS is tho cos his parental rights were terminated by the court for the adoption. Legally u would have to ck on abandonment laws in ur state, but personally, I am glad my ex can't see my kids.

Pamela - posted on 05/06/2012

Years ago, I was in a simular situation. If you are unsure of the type of person he is, I would get to know him first before you bring him into his life. Before you change the course of your sons life, fill this guy out, see what type of person he is, he may not be the type of person you want in his life and may end up being a big disapointment to you both. If he is, you still want to being him into his life cautiously introuduce him slowly weather he is the type of person you want in his life or not. The same goes for letting him know that the guy that he thinks is his father is not his natural dad and that he has another dad. Letting him know that he is special, he has an array of people that love him and want to take care of him, let him know that, that is just how special he is. You can't go wrong in that matter. Whatever you do, always be truthful with your son and never, NEVER down talk the other parent even if he is not a good person. When my daughter finally met her nartual father, his true colors showed and I never had to say a word. She thanks me for taking such good care of her and she realizes that, I had her best interest in mind. At 29 she speaks with him regularly but makes it known that my concern was for her first. And, yes while every child should know both of their parents their are times that the child should be protected from the other parent if that parent will not benefit the childs well being.

Susan - posted on 05/06/2012

I read the "replies" over and over and am very dismayed to see some of the advice. Yes. The biological Dad was a teenager--but so was the Mom! She grew up, took responsibility and is raising her child. So, I guess all is forgiven since he was a "TEENAGE" boy. Hmm. Doesn't seem right to me. Decisions were made and with those decisions come consequences. Now, I'm not saying he can't have changed or that his attempt to see his son is not sincere-but the fact is he ran away, left her with a child and now pops up 6 years later?! Nope. Not good enough. I have read how many believe he has a "right" to see his son. Well, not so much. The son was abandoned by his father and thus those "rights" are no longer valid. Sure, he can fight for those rights again, but in essence-he chose to run. Too bad, this wasnt decided years ago in court. The Mom could slways demand back child support before the boy sees his bio Dad, but I imagine that would not happen. Some Judge could demand it-and some actually do!!
But back to the questions- you should tell your son--but only when you and your husband are together. 6 may be a bit young for him to grasp the meaning of this revelation. And most importantly- do NOT go to the Bio Dad-- have him come to you guys. Also-- there is NO WAY that I would leave my child with a stranger. And that is exactly what the bio Dad is. He is a stranger!! You and your husband AND your son need to all meet together. After all, if he turns out to be an "okay guy" and truly on the "up and up" the FOUR of you will be in each others lives for many years to come.
Good luck and follow your instincts. Try to remember your son is the MOST important person here-so act accordingly. Your dislike of the bio Dad may be justified, but keep in mind that a child can NOT have too many people who love and support him.

Marie - posted on 05/06/2012

Srew tht pos. He wants to play THEHEWAS SCRARED CARD! I'm sure you were scaredtoo! But we mothers have to choice. We love and tough it out!!!!! If he wants to step up now then he can fly his ass to you! My bet he doesn't show!!!!!! They only want it if its easy. Make him Show you he wants to be involved! You shouldn't have to uproot for a weekend for him! Good luck let us know what happens

Vicki - posted on 05/06/2012

Since his family stayed in touch go through them. maybe the paternal grandmother will mediate.But at least try. A try is better than being sorry later.

Abby - posted on 05/06/2012

I am partly in the same situation. My husband adopted my daughter and he is the dad she know. The question is, was the real father a bad person when you were together before? I ask because if he has never really been a bad person then I don't see why not. My daughter's dad was a jerk and was in and out of jail. I plan to tell my daughter when she is old enough (she's only 4). But if he was a decent person, just a stupid teenager. I say learn what his life is like and give him a chance.

Lisa - posted on 05/06/2012

I suggest he prove he really wants to see him by him making the trip as well as trying to catch up on some back child support. It will be hard enough for your son to learn of his bio dad without doing it on familiar ground. that way he will have his comfort zone to turn to. I have fostered several kids and it is very important for them to know their parents. Even if the bio dad doesn't stick around this time at least the truth will be out and not be a ghost in the closet to come in in the teen years when kids are dealing with puberty, finding themselves and all the teen drama. Set things straight now. We may all be adults but we are also human and make mistakes and need to own up to them. If he can learn that lesson at a young age it will help build a better relationship for you.

Becky - posted on 05/06/2012

Absolutely do not drag your son on a plane to go see if, if if..... I think your son is to young to understand adult issues and he HAS a dad right now.... You need to discuss this with your husband and decide how to go about any changes.... I would not let my son out of my sight at age 6.... If your husband and you, together that , ok, the dad should be in the boys life... this should come very gradual... Your boyfriend should come for visits under supervision to get to know each other ... at no time say "this is your real dad" He has a dad as of now... After a year, you will see if he intends to stay in his life... He doesn't have to fly - he can drive - take a bus... He has t o prove himself... to be a fit person much less a dad..... this is legally what usually happens anyway.. Supervised visitation fro many months.... Once he knows he has a different dad.. every thing changes.. between him..you...your husband and your husband to him... You will have resentment, hurt feelings, the missing parent syndrome ... " I want my dad!" be careful and take it very very slow...

Medic - posted on 05/05/2012

@kim- LEGALLY- child support and visitation are not contengent on eachother. They are two totally defferent legal issues. You CANNOT hold a child from a parent because of lack of support just like you CANNOT with hold all support for lack of access.

Cj - posted on 05/04/2012

My son is adopted by my husband who has been in his life since birth and his bio dad has never wanted any contact
To explain adoption
We discussed families being chosen and born ie my brother is a born uncle and his wife is chosen to be an aunty and my 7 year olds dad chose to be dad
Kungfoo panda (not sure if 1 or 2) explains this his adopted dad is a crane
This worked for us and could explain bio dad for good or otherwise as he proves himself as an adult

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2012

I was 14 when I found out I was adopted. No one told me I found the papers. I was adopted by a family member but was very upset when I found out I had been lied to my whole life. Telling a child the truth is always the best option.

My daughter has a similar issue and while she chooses not to see her biological dad(and I won't allow it due to circumstances) she feels more comfortable visiting her grandparents here in her home area. She is not comfortable visiting them in the state I used to live in where they live and she is not comfortable in their home. She also however doesn't want them in our home. She wants to meet them in neutral places, the mall, a park, etc...

Tell your child the truth make sure he knows that your current husband loves him and chose to be his dad he didn't have to be. Let him know that his real dad has always loved him but due to circumstances he couldn't be in his life. Ask him if he would like to meet him and ask him where he would feel more comfortable. Let him know that he doesn't have to call him dad he can call him by his name since your husband is his dad. Also let him know that you and your husband are there for him.

Let your ex know the situation and that you want to meet where your child is comfortable, not to get upset or speak about his feelings about you or your husband, or your child's relationship with your husband to upset your child or the visit will be stopped. Tell him to make sure your child understands he is ok with the relationship between your husband and your son and that he is glad that your husband was able to love him and be a dad to him when he wasn't able to his self.

Edith - posted on 05/04/2012

First read the replays, 2 let your mother's instents lead you. I know children that were from the same kind of thing. There was a lot of anger because they were not told about and not allowed to see their birth father. After some years now 1 now refer to the man that raised her as her father when talking about him. But the other has spent time with both men after spending time with the father he did not know. 1 grew up knowing that there was a birth father but was not allowed to spend time with him. The other did not know that the man that raised her was her birth father until older teen.