Should I Try To Save Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Rhonda - posted on 05/15/2012 ( 206 moms have responded )

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My husband has a drinking problem. He'll drink at least a 6 - 12 pack every night and follow that up with hard liquor if he has not passed out. Last night I found him in my 2 year old sons bedroom naked laying in front of a fan touching himself. When I told him to get out, he became abusive and threatened to break my nose, he twisted my wrist and pushed me to the floor. He told me that since our son was asleep it was not a big deal. My four year old (from a previous marriage) is possibly being sexually abused. He's showing signs of abuse; naturally I'm tying these things together now. I've completely quit drinking (even a glass with dinner) to avoid any accusations of being drunk which is his favorite thing to say to me when he's drunk. Once he sobered up this morning he told me that I'm crazy, an idiot, stupid, etc. for accusing him of abusing our children and has turned the whole thing around on me acting like I'm the one with the problem. We've only been married for 2 years and I knew he drank a lot but it has escalated to much that it's out of control now. He literally passes out every single night from drinking, sometimes he gets abusive before that point, sometimes it's peaceful and he just passes out. He's never hit me but he has a military background and will squeeze nerve points on me to the point that I'm in tears and will threaten to hit me even raising his fist over me. I know this is a lot and you all must think I'm crazy for not leaving him but I just want our relationship to work. My kids love him, his son loves him. If my 4 year old is being abused by him, he doesn't realize it's wrong because he shows no fear/distance toward him but relishes in his attention on a day to day basis. He won't tell me that anything is wrong but I know in my heart that he's being abused by somebody. I know we need counseling but he will not go; he will not go to AA either. I don't know what to do other than kick him out of the house which will financially have it's own repercussions. Should I try to save this thing?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/16/2012

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Rhonda, RE-READ YOUR POST. Then, look in the mirror.

Do you REALLY want to say that you don't know what to do at this point?

Your spouse is an alcoholic, and most likely a pedophile. Of COURSE he gets defensive when you say anything. He knows that he's actually caught, and only by his intimidation of YOU, is he getting away with it.

My father in law is a pedophile. Where would my husband and his siblings be if his mother had sat there and said "I don't know, I really want this to work"...Those are your KIDS, lady, and you have the responsibility for protecting them.

You say you're afraid to make a "rash" decision. Your eldest is showing signs of abuse, and yet you're still not wanting to "rush" things? You haven't been physically (you say) abused, or hit, but honey, you HAVE. Using pressure points to subdue and threaten you IS ABUSE. Physical abuse, and you need to be strong and get the hell out of there!

My prayers are with you. If you're in the Wyo area, contact me, and I'll help. But, please, PLEASE get those babies away from that man.

[deleted account]

First of all, let me give you a giant, virtual ((((HUG))))! Everyone before me says to leave him, to get away from him. And they're right. It sounds like he needs help. It also sounds like you need help, a friend, a family member....someone. Do you have anyone you can turn to for help if you need it? You are living in fear and that is a horrible way to live. I wish I had some kind of killer advice I could give you but I feel like it's already been given.

Protect your children. That is your job. Your JOB. Your mission in life is to ensure their safety and well being. I could give you abuse stories about my childhood like the other girls did, but I won't. The best I can tell you is to protect your children. Do what you have to do in order to make sure that they are not in harm's way.

I offer myself up to you to talk to, if you need me. I can help you get resources for your area. I'm really good at researching things and finding things on the web.

My thoughts are with you and your children tonight. ♥

Amy - posted on 05/15/2012

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I'm so sorry you are going through this!!! First of all this is way more than emotional abuse, he IS emotionally abusing you but if he is twisting your arm, pushing you, pinching nerve points & threatening to punch you that is physical abuse! You deserve better & your children deserve better. Please get out before it is too late. Esp if you suspect he is in any way abusing your children also. To this day my husband won't eat a specific cereal because when he was four his father was drunk & chased his mom around the kitchen with a butcher knife while he sat there crying into his cereal & got screamed at for crying & was forced to eat the cereal...he was so traumatized by his mom being treatened that way in front of him. Please do not let your babies think it is ok for him to treat you this way because it is NOT ok. Please feel free to mssg me if you need someone to talk to & I will help you in any way I can *hug*

Janelle - posted on 05/15/2012

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After all that you really have to ask? Get out and get help you and your children deserve better than that! If he won't get counseling or AA, he doesn't want to save it, so why should you?

Tara - posted on 05/16/2012

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If you do nothing else for your children ever, do this one thing for them. Go, get out NOW. Go while he is away, go to a safe place, report the abuse to the right people and get into counselling yourself. You are suffering from depression, post traumatic stress disorder and likely low self esteem. You are worth more than this. He does NOT love you. Love does not harm, hurt or belittle. Love is not vengeful or violent or aggressive. He is controlling you, your brain is not working right to think you can change him or to think this will have a happy ending. Do you want to be a domestic violence statistic? Do you want your two boys to be raised alone by this man? Cause that's what going to happen when he kills you in a drunken rage,
Get out NOW Rhonda. Do it for your boys. Do it for yourself..

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Caroline - posted on 05/21/2012

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You can't reason with an insane person. Get ou. Get a restraining order. Go to alanon for yourself to get the support you need and if you need aa for your drinking, go. Take action.

Alberta - posted on 05/21/2012

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GET OUT AND GET HELP!!! He will hurt you eventually and if you don't protect your kids they will never forgive you for it. GET OUT TODAY!!! Counseling for him and you could work but be careful and don't think "he wil not do it again because he will and next time he may break you or kill you and where will your kids be then.

Angela - posted on 05/21/2012

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Hi again..

If you do only 1 thing now,it's to join Alanon.I found such clarity in decision making after attending for a while.I stopped doubting and started doing!
Good luck to you my friend.
But just remember with an addiction - you didn't Cause it,you can't Control it,and you can't Cure it.
Angela

Rhonda - posted on 05/21/2012

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Update: Well, where to start? Two things...first I'll address my kiddies. They are my life. I don't know if I mentioned this but I had 2 kids from my previous marriage. I have horrible taste in men apparently. My first husband was addicted to porn and video games. He was VERY young when we got married (19) and I was 23....that's another story about church brainwashing (JW). My son who I suspect is being molested by somebody goes to his grammies house 2 days a week. Her 19 year old son lives there full time because he has OCD and FAS from his real mom. At 19 and with mental problems I imagine he's a little sexually repressed. He was my first suspect with my 4 year old. Pinnacle with my son was when he was in the back seat and said to my older son "I'm going to lick your leg, what do you think about that? I'm going to lick your hand, what do you think about that...etc, I'm going to lick your peepee and it'll feel good, what do you think about that?" To me, clearly a 4 year old should not know those things. His grammie sometimes leave the boys alone with the 19 year old if she goes to the grocery, dentist, etc. I put an end to that immediately explaining the situation to her. Then this happened with my husband. I had to question him. The boys have been with their father for the past week and I do not get them back until tonight. They were not around when all of this happened...only my 2 year old who is my current husbands son. After my posting I changed all of the locks and put reinforcements on the inside which can only be opened from the inside and not the outside. I gave my husband an ultimatum, either his family or booze. He left that night and went to a hotel and got drunk, drunk, drunk where he left me in the lurch on our business financially hurting us for the week. He came back the next day and said he'd never drink another drop of alcohol. I hoped that the mental/emotional abuse was a result of the alcohol...apparently not. I don't know if I'm creating a crisis where there is none or not but when we go to lunch he tells me where to sit in case a man should pass by and I should happen to look at him. He is still checking the history on my computer every day after he gets home. I brought this up to him a couple of days ago and he didn't deny it but said he'd stop. This morning I found the history pulled up again and because he's always in a hurry in case I should catch him, he forgets to close the window. He's still checking my cell phone to see who I've been talking to. He got upset with me because I had to go see a customer in person when he was drunk (he usually does the face to face with customers) and drilled me on who I saw and what we talked about. He saw me on facebook talking with an old friend who I'd reached out to (but not told anything to) because he checks my facebook page every day to see who I'm interacting with. He has not talked to me in 2 days because I refused to stop talking to this old friend. He is completely giving me the silent treatment. We went to lunch on Saturday and he asked me where I wanted to go, I told him 2 different places. He said "No, I dont' want to go there..let's go here" and drove there. It's the small things that are driving me crazy. Since I put my foot down about my facebook page, he is looking for other ways to try to manipulate me. I told him as part of the ultimatum that all of the jealousy and manipulation would stop or he would be gone, but he truly does not think that what he does is wrong. I talked to him mother about all of this and she agreed that what he was doing to me was wrong but her only advice to me is that we try to pray and work it out - not she's not a JW. Right now I'm just stuck. I'm going to start going to Al Anon meetings and will leave my kids with my mom while I'm there. I don't trust him. When he's in the house I'm completely tense and not at all relaxed. He wants to pretend nothing happened. He's moody, he just mopes around and I know he has to be craving a drink but he says he's not. After his mom ripped him a new one, he did fold one load of laundry for me but has still not said the words "I'm sorry". He wants me to be physical with him but I cannot bring myself to do that yet and that just makes him more moody. I have not given him a key to the new locks because I want to be the one who says if he can stay. Still, he's not touched a drink since I told him I'd kick him out if he ever did again. Again, I feel that he figures that if he doesn't drink and it turns out my son is fine and just a very sexually aware 4 year old naturally, that he'll stay and everything will stay how it is...which is clearly not okay with me. I don't know how to get through to him.

Brandy - posted on 05/21/2012

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Do not give an ultimatum. You took the first step and changed all the locks, GREAT JOB AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
Get the restraining order file with the courts. You are in danger of losing your other child, your ex husband could take him away from you because of what you introducing his son to. Your husband is never evre gonna change. My ex husband is still the same way he went through several relationships with women since we've been divorced he was abusive and degrading to them as well. Don't force it leave and move on get help for yourself you will feel better in time.

Kheila - posted on 05/21/2012

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Rhonda, this is my 2nd post and this time I am not posting to critique or advise you. I am simply stopping by to see how you and your sons are doing. I can only hope and pray that you have not updated us because you have no access to the internet. Please update us as soon as you can as many of us on here are concerned for yours and your sons well being. Be encouraged :)

Brandy - posted on 05/21/2012

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Absolutely not!!!!! I was in a very abusive relationship for over 12 years. I wanted that perfect picture family of mommy, daddy kids dogs and the white picket fence. I finally reached my breaking point I realized I deserved better, my kids deserved better. My 2 oldest children have struggles, my oldest is 19 and is taking after me and what she saw, she dates guys who are not nice to her, she has self esteem issues, my son who is 15 has severe anger issues, he is in extensive therapy, he was diagnosed ADHD, PTSD, narcissistic disorder, ODD, and is disrespectful towards women. My youngest 10 yr old daughter just misses her daddy she wasn't really affected by the environment because she was so young when I finallykicked him out. She does have a great father figure role model now. I met a wonderful man who loves me and my kids. Everyday is a struggle there is so much work the kids need, it's a ongoing struggle. I don't wish that kind of trouble on any child, that's why it pains me to say this to you. He's no good no good for you or your children get them far away from him, get a restraining order and file for custody and child support. Don't be a fool like me. I never took him to court because I thought he wouldn't bother with the kids. But I finally realized that I have nothing to do with him being in and out of their lives so finally after 6years I am taking him to court. It's gonna be very hard at first im not even gonna sugar coat it, but just think of how you are saving you and your children's lives. If you need more advice or have any questions you can always contact me. You may be able to get them help through your state.

Angela - posted on 05/21/2012

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Hi Rhonda
I know what you are going through.I have been there.I left on the 27th December 2011,with my 2 kids.The divorce is hellish,but I will never go back.The red flag for me is that you have chosen 2 dysfunctional partners. I had the same pattern.I had to look at myself at this point and get help for me.I suggest Alanon.Its a recovery programme for people like us.I found the most increadible strength,hope and courage in those rooms.If you want to break the cycle get yourself some help.Remember the 3 AAA's. Addiction,Affairs and Abuse.Never accept these in any form,from any man!
If he is anything like my man,he will manipulate,beg,plead,promise to do anything to have you back.This type of man is very sick.You can not fix him,nor force him to change.Once I got out I realised how destructive he actually was,in all of our lives - his,mine and the 2 kids. The kids still love their father.That doesn't change.But I have given them a safe environment to have a childhood.
You will be surprised at the inner strength you have.To live in an emotionally abusive relationship makes you doubt yourself in every way.But the irony is that you have learned acute survival skills and nothing out there can be worse than living in constant fear.Walking on eggshells.Making yourself invisible.Waiting,praying,hoping and avoiding.
You can and must take care of yourself first.Your children will benefit from every small step toward recovery that you make.
You will be in my prayers tonight..
Angela
Jhb South Africa.

Stephanie - posted on 05/21/2012

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you need to take them babies and LEAVE as soon as you can. it will be hard but you will get on your feet!!! NO ONE deserves to be treated like crap, esp not by their husband. and those kids certainly DO NOT deserve to be abused anymore than they are by seeing him treat you like crap. My first husband was an alcoholic and a gambler and abused me- never in front of my daughter and only once where someone would notice it. it took three times of him being like that- the last one was the last. Thank God i had parents to go back to. i got the hell out that night, he wasn't worth MY or My Child's LIFE or our time. there are places and organizations that can and will help you. do not feel guilty becuase the children like him, you are in charge for what is best for them! and this situation is no where near it- get out and get safe before you all become part of some statistic or a news story!!!! be safe and may God watch over you and the kids!

Gillian - posted on 05/21/2012

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no you don't stay with him, get out whilst you still can, if you think your son is being abuse then go to the appropriate authorities about it. If it is going on and you do nothing you can end up with the children being taken off you!!

Sorry to be so blunt, but they will say you are siding with your husband and not thinking of your children.

No one deserves to be treated like that, he needs help and you and your children deserve to be safe in your own homes.
Gill

Amanda - posted on 05/21/2012

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leave its not worth it. if he loves you like you think he does he will get help. if i were you call aa and talk to someone yourself to help you understand the drinking. that its not your fault. i have been there my now husband was a heavy drinker. however he wouldnt hurt us at all just drank way to much. he got help i talked to someone i moved out with our kids for 2 mths. now we are married and he hasnt had a drink for 4 years. but he had to do it for himself and then us. but the sexual stuff no way would i have even thought of staying. those are your babies take them in to talk to someone. get them help first. ur husband is a grown up your kids need you
Amanda

Sandi - posted on 05/21/2012

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Rhonda, my heart goes out to you and your family. I can relate to you on so many levels. Hopefully my story will help you. My husband is a recovering alcoholic (5 years sober) so I have been in your shoes. Although he was never physically abusive, I can empathize with you. The emotional abuse was devastating. Although he was the drunk he made me feel like I was the crazy one. My father was also an alcoholic who was abusive towards my mother. My earliest memory from childhood is being locked in my room while my father beat my mother. I was just three years old. Even though he never laid a hand on me this memory still haunts me. And you see what happened ended up happening, right? I ended up marrying and alcoholic. Addiction is a vicious cycle that deeply wounds the family as much as (if not more than) the addict himself. As the victim, it is really hard to trust your feelings and make good decisions when you're in the middle of this kind of thing. Most days you probably do feel like you're the one who is insane. This is a normal reaction to living in an abnormal situation. That's why it's so important to have a suppot system-family, friends and/or counselors. Based on what you have said, I strongly suggest that you get your children and yourself out of that house and into counseling IMMEDIATELY! Especially if you belive that your son is being sexually abused. Even if your husband doesn't want to go, you have to get some help ASAP! One of the most important things I learned during my journey is that you cannot save an addict. They have to want to get help. Sometimes it takes a big push. In my case, I took my daughter and went to stay with a friend. With the support of his friends, we were able to stage an intervention and get him into treatment. If your husband is a veteran the VA has lots of resources available. I know this because my father, now sober, is a retired Army vet who now works at the VA. He came out of retirement to work with the Iraq/Afghanistan vets after my 30 year-old brother, an Iraqi War vet shot and killed his girlfriend. He will spend the rest of his life in prison. If your husband is suffering from PTSD, you are literally living with a ticking time bomb.



Again, I am really sorry you're going through this. Yor story hit so close to home and I felt the need to reach out to encourage you and let you know that there can be a happy ending for you and your children. You have to make a decision to be happy-with or without him-and take control of your life. You may not be able to save him or your relationship, but you can save yourself and your children. I know it's hard, trust me, I really do. I also know that you must really love him. My prayer is that you find the strength to love yourself more so that you can make a better life for yourself and your boys. With God's help, all thinks are possible.

Erica - posted on 05/21/2012

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Wow it's eerie how similar our stories are, Rhonda. Two failed relationships, both emotionally abusive. a child in the middle.second go-round. questioning your own sanity and decision-making. owning the home but cant get him out.

Rhonda it took me MONTHS to gather the courage to do the right think for my daughter and myself because he assured me "as soon as i get this job out of state" he would leave peacefully. in the meantime his jealousy and control issues made life hell for me and that in turn put stress on my daughter.

I dont need to tell you you need him out. youve got hundreds of replies already telling you so, and you already know it in your heart. What I DO want to tell you is how important it is to plan for your and your children's safety right now..I asked for and was granted a restraining order on the basis of ONLY emotional abuse, he never laid s hand on me or my daughter. You HAVE BEEN PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED and suspect tgat your child is being sexually abused.You need tp go to court with this.to assure there are consequences for him ,and you NEED to go somewhere safe ,at least until he is removed from the home.

Trust me, I KNOW how aggravating that is, that I should be run our of MY home because he's too bull-headed to listen to you.But your children do not need to witness any more voilence. (you think theyre asleep, that means they can't hear it? Don't fool yourself. They can and do!) go to a shelter, NOT to his mom, and lay low for a day or two until the order is served.

Rhonda I am five days in on my restraining order. i AM walking this path alongside you. I am also praying for you and your boys.

Phyllis - posted on 05/21/2012

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Take your children go to the closest courthouse and get a restraining order before the state takes custody of your children. If you don't protect them now the state will charge you with child endangerment.

Merrill - posted on 05/21/2012

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There's no saving this Rhonda! This hits home for me! I was with a guy very much like your husband. He messed around on me and when drunk would turn it all out on me...saying that I was the one messing around!!!!!! My advice...get to a safe house with the children...get counciling, get your son a physical to check for sexual abuse signs. The man needs help and if he's abusive with the kids...ask for supervised visitation when you file for divorce. Oh...and be the first to file. Otherwise he will have more rights than you! Your man has problems and he needs serious long term counciling! Sadly...I think it is time for you to end this. Be safe....make sure your children are safe...i have heard waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many horror stories and do not want you or your boys to become a victim! BE SAFE....concerned for you and the boys' welfare!

Faith - posted on 05/21/2012

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It will only get worse sweetheart.. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids... Get out NOW!!!! Take it from someone who was sexually abused your child is already damaged even if he doesn't show it.. Get him help so he doesn't grow up thinking he did something wrong or that things are his fault.

Laurinda - posted on 05/20/2012

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Time to get out Hun . What your partner is doing is indecent exposure, yes he is grooming your kids to think this is OK , lucky they were asleep this time . But what happens next time , he will tell them oh its OK to do this NOOOOOOOO. What if this isnt the first time . Just the first time he's been caught . PLEASE PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN .Yes the children love him , but some kinds of love are hurtful , dangerous and wrong !
Leaving will be the hardest thing you ever do , but trust me , Your new life will be so much better.It does take an adjustment period , alot of inner strenth and courage , But YOU and the KIDS are Worth IT .!
Trust your inner voice get away from this predator and rediscover your inner strength. there is hopeand happiness on the horizon for you , if you have the faith in yourself to make the changes. DONT stay unhappy and confused and untrusting , move out move forward toward the future you and your children deserve. Love and Hugs to you Hun :D

Starla - posted on 05/20/2012

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Your first priority is those kids. Get them someplace safe now! It doesn't matter if your wrong and he's not sexually abusing them. Just being in a room naked with chikdren touching himself is bad enough. What if your son woke up and saw him? Obviously you know the situation is nad if you're reaching out for help. Go to a church; police; social services; etc. Get help now.

Starla - posted on 05/20/2012

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Your first priority is those kids. Get them someplace safe now! It doesn't matter if your wrong and he's not sexually abusing them. Just being in a room naked with chikdren touching himself is bad enough. What if your son woke up and saw him? Obviously you know the situation is nad if you're reaching out for help. Go to a church; police; social services; etc. Get help now.

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2012

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Rhonda

Take the kids and get out now. I personally have not lived through what you are going through now but my sister-in-law, my sister and our youngest daughter did.
My sister-in-law's boyfriend abused her by using pressure points (he was a black belt in marital arts), as well as mental, emotional, and physical abuse. She finally left him when he started in on the kids being abusive she was in a shelter hiding for months with her children. After a year or so apart he had gotten help went to all kinds of therapy they got back together it did not last long and he was right back to doing the abuse again.
She walked out with the kids and is doing fine it took her awhile but she now has her own home and her an the kids are doing fine.

Our youngest daughter (had just turned 18 at the time) is very head strong she decided at the last minute not to come with us when my husband received orders for Germany. She moved in with her boyfriend. She was not raised to take the abuse she did. She knew what her aunt had went through with her ex husband and then her boyfriend.

We were not gone 2 months when he was arrested for putting a knife to one of her friends throat he had been drinking heavily taking drugs. The police were called he resisted arrest in the process trashed their apartment. They ended up losing their apartment bouncing from family member to friends sleeping where they could they finally ended up at my sisters where they stayed for several months till my sister could not take the way he was treating her niece (our daughter) they finally got their own place she ended up preg.
He was very controlling and jealous he quit his job 2 months before the baby was born she worked another month or so til she could not work any more. Tried choking her when she was preg. because she would not let him use her cell phone to call an buy drugs. When he started being mean to the baby(2 months old) because of the attention she gave her is when she finally woke up that he would never change no matter what she did. She has been hiding for almost 2 years because of his threats against her for leaving him and taking his daughter away even though he resented the time and attention that was given her.

My sister went through mentally and emotional abuse but she is finally divorced

I know that I seem to be taking a long time to make my point. Loving an abusive man and wanting to make it work is not always the best thing for you or the children. Get out now before he hurts you or the children or worse.

Hope - posted on 05/20/2012

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No, however it might still be saved if you get yourself help, and get out now.



Sometimes it takes a massive shock to the system, like being "abandoned" or being kicked out, to reset someone's sense. If he is military trained you must also realize they are "broken" and "rebuilt" on a psychological level in order to be good soldiers. They face a ton of crazy crap out in the field and must be prepared for the most insane things.



However, this makes them ill suited for "common" life and it's common stress. I have family and friends both who were ex-military. Some few don't "break" they bend, cope and get on with life - these are RARE. Most I know were broken and rebuilt. I repeat, this makes them ill suited for "common life". A Marine buddy of mine who just came home not too long ago told me - it's like a toddler learning to walk but with skills that can kill, wound, or maim. He can't socialize with people who don't understand, some things just trigger a /reaction/ and that means people are going to get hurt or worse. If someone comes up behind him and surprises him they are in for a hurting - AND he can't control it very well. It is a hyper survival instinct put into full force.



It is one of the sacrifices they endure for us civilians, but it can put us civilians at risk as well. He obviously needs help. He obviously has suffered some kind of serious mental/emotional trauma to make him drink so much. He shows all the hallmarks of being seriously disturbed about something and trying to "forget". However, when it comes to "help" he has to want it. If he fears it, snubs it, rejects it, or otherwise doesn't take it seriously - as you say- he is not ready for help.



You will know if he actually /cares/ if you do leave him. I am not kidding. You want to help him. tough love deary - tough love. Don't "fold" emotionally in front of him, go mama-bear for your kids' sake. Kick his tail to the curb or pack things up and leave when he's not around. Call an abuse hotline, a women's center, the police, get a PFA, show him you mean business!



Important to remember -->> If he loves you, and really loves you (and not the "oh please baby I miss you" mental brainwashing bs) he WILL get help. He will choose it and stick to it.



Leave him. You won't hurt your family by leaving him. You will likely wound your kids if you stay by your inaction. Psychological break downs due to abuse can leave a person scared for the rest of their lives. What of he goes too far and maims or kills you? What will happen to your kids then? Are you going to wait until you get "solid proof" of the abuse, or wait until one of them is serious harmed? Don't, for their sake, let them be harmed by inaction. Please.



So your choice is very simple. Your man or your kids?

Christine - posted on 05/20/2012

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GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! if not for your sake do it for your children it will not get better it will only get worse and get help making him leave do not try to do it on your own at this point HE WILL HURT YOU AND OR YOUR CHILDREN been there done that 25 years ago and i am still finding out things he did to his own children GET OUT NOW

Elena - posted on 05/20/2012

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You have to take care of yourself and your children. I recommend you atten Al-non it's a support group for the family member who have alcoholism in their life. It will take a lot of courage to comfort him to seek help.

I myself had dealt with an alcoholic husband. It was very difficult time for us. He is five years sober, and sometimes the behavior creeps in but how I react has changed. I hope you have family and friends that help through this time.

Elena - posted on 05/20/2012

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You have to take care of yourself and your children. I recommend you atten Al-non it's a support group for the family member who have alcoholism in their life. It will take a lot of courage to comfort him to seek help.

I myself had dealt with an alcoholic husband. It was very difficult time for us. He is five years sober, and sometimes the behavior creeps in but how I react has changed. I hope you have family and friends that help through this time.

Kali - posted on 05/20/2012

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Honey, no, he's not worth your happiness nor your children's, you deserve respect, your a human being and he's not treating you like one, i know you love him, but my father was abusive and my stepmom sat there and watched, i have so much resentment to both of them, you need to stop it for you and your children.

Deanna - posted on 05/20/2012

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*hugs* it's the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to do, but if your child is being abused and you are being abused then you need to run. I hope you find a solution soon!!

Mimi - posted on 05/20/2012

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Hello Rhonda,
First thing is first, try Ala-non.
90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor and work the program with all your might.
Your life will begin to look a whole lot brighter and you will have tools to make wise choices the longer you walk through the program.
There is not a person on this earth that can make you feel anyway without your giving full permission for them to do so.
My blessings to you and your family.
12 steps~ It works when you work it!

Audrey - posted on 05/20/2012

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I don't know if anyone has done this yet. But here is the website for the national domestic violence hotline.



http://www.thehotline.org/



the number is: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)



Call them. They can connect you with resources for you and the kids. Counseling, a shelter....etc....

Lisa - posted on 05/20/2012

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Please save your children and leave. If anything happens to them you could be held responsible. Those poor babies need to be protected.

If you are afraid to leave, there are many services that will help you and protect you and your kids.

Rochelle - posted on 05/20/2012

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GET OUT NOW!!!! before you and the children get hurt more you kids don't need a dad that's drunk all the time... Maybe if you leave him he will realise that his drinking has split the family up and he will go and get help...... i would never put my kids through this sort of thing and if you feel your child is being sexually abused go to the poilice and try and put a stop to it. those poor babys will be emotionally damaged for life they see and hear more than you may think.

Audrey - posted on 05/20/2012

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Sweetie, I know it's hard to go, but whenever you feel like letting things slide, remind yourself of the abuse he is doing. He's hurting you, threatening you and doing sexual things in front of your child to the point you think your oldest is being sexually abused. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be be helped or save himself. *he* has to make the decision to want to get. If you do nothing they will take your babies from *YOU* as you stand by and dither and do nothing. He is a grown man and knows what he is doing is wrong, he's manipulating you and you are allowing it.

Your children that I know are precious to you, need your protection. I know we all would rather see you and your children safe. If you do kick him out...change the locks!

*roots for you*

Geneva - posted on 05/20/2012

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you should follow your gut, its not just about you but you have 2 kids to think about, if you think that he is sexually abusing your kids then as a mom it is your job to protect them. also you need to protect your self who will take care of your kids if you are not around anymore. please do something, if i was you i would pack up my kids and leave will he was at work, go to a shelter if you have to just get out before it get much wrose. i will be praying for u and your kids. god bless you guys

Heather - posted on 05/20/2012

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Find an alanon meeting QUICK! He will not change if you don't seek help! I know from experience. I've been where you are right now. My husband is sober now for 12 years.

Nicola - posted on 05/20/2012

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No. Please leave him for the sake of your childrens safety. It is not ok to be sexually touching yourself around small kids. It is very wrong. Please consider your children's well being and future. It is also not ok for him to physically hurt you. Get out now before something terrible happens. Please!

Amy - posted on 05/20/2012

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You need to file for a legal separation and move out as soon as possible. There are many shelters that you can go to if you can't afford to live on your own yet. If you attend a church talk to them. They may have resources to help you too. Praying for you.

Alexis - posted on 05/20/2012

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I don't even know were to start...... My God I am begging you to get those babies out of that house!! I know that leaving is scary but by staying the children are being harmed and what about you ??? What if he seriously hurts you??? This post made me sooooo sad

Kelly - posted on 05/20/2012

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Get out of the relationship. Seek help and counseling. There is nothing you can do to change him. He has to seek help on his own if he wants it. It will be hard emotionally and financially, but for you childrens sake and your safety you have to remove yourself from this situation.

Ashley - posted on 05/20/2012

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Even if he hasn't "hit" you - nerve points to the point of tears is abuse... is illegal

Touching himself in front of a minor - is illegal

The mental abuse isn't illegal at this point but wrong

GET OUT!!! If not for you - the Children!

Someone like this WILL escalate abuse - its not an "if" its a "when"


I would however try to document as much as you can prior to leaving for sake of custody

My other half use to drink all the time - he is very much a wouldn't hurt a fly type of a guy. However after multiple beers followed by hard liquor (jack/coke) - the angry side definitely escalated - he never hit me but I could see the escalation in temper - eventually it would get there - may take some time... but it always does

I was lucky and was able to get him to stop drinking

FINANCES are NEVER a GOOD reason to Stay!

Christi - posted on 05/20/2012

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I know it sounds easy...but 100% get out. This time, don't get in a rush to marry. Spend time learning to take care of and love you. Seek out and find some good counselors to teach you how to do this. I don't know if you are religious, but start seeking out what our creator designed marriage for. It has a higher purpose than what you have experienced. Spend some time learning about what he wants for you. This is not a marriage. You and your children deserve peace and joy each and every day. Pray, plan, then take a leap of faith. Don't worry about too far in the future. Just get throught this next step. You will be better off, no matter what comes.

Julie - posted on 05/19/2012

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You've got lots of great advice. The only thing I can add is - stay safe. Getting away from an abuser is a dangerous time. Get support. There are women's shelters everywhere. You can do an internet search. The women there deal with this all the time and can help you protect yourself and your kids. Even if you don't go there, you'll have a name and a familiar voice to turn to with questions and more. Best wishes.

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