Should I Try To Save Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Susan - posted on 05/17/2012

no way kick him out as Quick as u can .. you all deserve better then him

Jeri - posted on 05/17/2012

When he leaves get your kids & RUN!!! As soon as your some where safe CALL CPS & The COPS!!! It is not your fault if you leave BUT if you stay you are allowing the pervert to be with your son... he is my main concern & should be yours! Child molesters preay on lonley single mothers- don't say anything to him about you leaving(as hard as it will be to keep the mouth shut) as he might do something very bad to you in an atempet to keep perving out with your son. You need to leave when he in not there... he will not change!! I'm praying for you & your kids.

Jane - posted on 05/17/2012

Many great responses - I would just add to get yourself to a counselor and to Al-Anon. Look for battered women's programs nearby that can help you stand firm. You must not enable his behavior by keeping silent out of fear, but you also need to take steps to keep you and your children safe! He is not well, and of course he is going to get defensive, deny any wrong-doing, and try to turn the blame on you. Love and prayers -- and keep us posted!

Kendra - posted on 05/17/2012

That's not emotional abuse, that is SEXUAL abuse. And you know it is happening so you are a party to it now. What would you would have wanted your mom to do, if a boyfriend was abusing you sexually (or physically or emotionally?) This post makes me sad.

Lisa - posted on 05/17/2012

U NEED TO LEAVE NOW BEFORE YOUR DEAD!!!! I tried to save my marriage for the kids for 9 yrs,and everytime he says hes sober he relapses. and now he is sober, but considered a dry drunk, which means he still is the same abusive, controlling, manipulating person he was as a drunk, but wasn't when I met him sober :( Don't think you are helping your children, bc my kids have been in therapy for three years from what they have seen and heard :( LEAVE TODAY

Belinda - posted on 05/17/2012

So sorry to hear you and your children going through this, my son and myself have suffered lots of emotional abuse and some physical, i thought it was because he loved us.... and was with him for 23 years,more than half my life,but the only answer is to get out and save yourselves and your sanity,it will be difficult thinking you won't be able to manage....but you do.... i've never looked back and wished i did it sooner,i'm half way through a divorce and he still see's my son on a regular basis but it kills me to see that he's emotionally using him, so the social services have been contacted. It will always be your fault in his eyes, there control freaks/head workers at there best and it won't go away unless you do something about it and get yourselves free from him. I've been going to a Domestic Violence support group for over a year now which as really help,so now i wont get caught in the same trap again.........i feels great not to be treading on egg shells anymore............i feel free.................best of luck and take care

Natalija - posted on 05/17/2012

First I like to say that I am sorry because my english. I am from Slovenia and my english is not very good.
You have a dificult desidion but it has too be just yours. When you will be ready you will just do it.My husbend has a drinking problem too. I went to Al-anon two years ago. Program is very helpful for me. I am still with my husbend but I live beter life. I am changing myself.
My advice: you have to help youself first and then you will able to help your children. Thro program Al-anon you will see what you can do it.
I wish all the best and a lot of sunshine in your life.

Skye - posted on 05/17/2012

Al-anon or families anonymous can help to support you through this incredibly difficult time. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://familiesanonymous.org/
Despite him not hitting you it does seem that he is physically and verbally abusive. There are a lot of resources available for women with children who are the victims of domestic violence. You can check what is available in your area.
I encourage you to get the help that you need so that you are able to protect yourself and your children. My heart goes out to you.

Angie - posted on 05/17/2012

LEAVE!! Kicking him out will make him come right back. You take your children and go. Find a safe house for abused women a friend, a relative. But get far away then head to a social worker. I know those two words scare people, but they can help. When my aunt found out her husband had abused their 10 yr old daughter she called social services and they said "we will take care of it" they knew what exactly to do. When it was confirmed he was arrested went to court and is now in prison. Just because he is drunk and don't remember doesn't give him an excuse for his behavior. LEAVE!!

Stephanie - posted on 05/17/2012

FIRST OF ALL, I CONGRATULATE YOU ON TAKING THE FIRST STEP, WHICH IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST. IT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS AN ALCOHOLIC. (THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO ABUSE ALCOHOL AND ALCOHOLICS.) COMING FROM A FAMILY WITH ALCOHOLISM AND LOTS AND LOTS OF VISITS WITH PSYCHOLOGISTS SPECIALIZING IN ALCOHOLISM AND ADDICTIONS, I CAN ONLY PROMISE YOU TWO THINGS... 1. IF HE IS NOT READY AND DOES NOT RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE DOES, HE WILL NOT STOP DRINKING PERMANENTLY, GUARANTEED. 2. IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE, ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE, MUCH LIKE DIABETES, IF LEFT UNTREATED, IT WILL GET PROGRESSIVELY WORSE. I THINK YOU YOURSELF HAVE ALREADY NOTICED THIS IN THE PAST TWO YEARS. THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT IT WILL GET WORSE SLOWLY, SO YOU WILL NOT NOTICE AS QUICKLY HOW BAD THE SITUATION IS GETTING.I THINK YOU HAVE SEEN IT AND ARE READY... . I THINK EVERYONE ELSE HAS GIVEN YOU A TON OF GREAT ADVICE AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE ALREADY MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, I AM REALLY PROUD OF YOU, WE ALL ARE! PLEASE DON'T FORGET WHAT I AM TELLING YOU, THIS IS NOT MY OPINION, THESE ARE THE FACTS ABOUT ALCOHOLISM.... IT REALLY SUCKS, FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED, SORRY THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD OR ANGELS, ASK FOR THE ANSWERS AND THE STRENGTH TO CARRY THEM THROUGH... A HUGE HUG!!!!

Tina - posted on 05/17/2012

Run as fast as you can! I was abused. The abuser made me think what was happening was ok, that it was good. Before I was old enough to realize it was wrong, I craved his attention, it was "our special time". I'm still paying for his behavior almost 30 years later. If you don't want to get out for you, do it for your kids, they will face a lifetime of issues if you don't.

Alison - posted on 05/17/2012

You poor darling! And those poor children! - Get help I implore you. Go to your doctor and/or the police. Children always love their parents - even abusive ones. But your husband needs help. If you don't do this now - your children will be seriously damaged and may end up being like their dad. Doing nothing is really not an option.

Sophie - posted on 05/17/2012

I'm sorry if this sounds but wtf whether ur son is or isn't being abused by this man u have to go on ur gut feeling this man is is a nasty selfish a-hole seriously run a million miles away from that scumbag why should he change he's not going to and who cares if he did he's treated u an more importantly ur children vile children will hug their abuser as they think its normal if he is abusing him that will mess him up for life how could u want to sta or help a man u feel is capable of touching up ur baby just go before ur kids lend up in care ur all tey have left to protect them

Lisa - posted on 05/17/2012

If this behavior were happening with another adult besides your husband towards your children, would you tolerate it? Abuse is abuse plain and simple. If you don't do anything to protect your children you are just as guilty. Think of them first.
Secondly, there IS help out there for you to get away. My first husband was mentally and verbally abusive too. For a while I believed I was as worthless and dependent on him as he would have me believe. He was a Marine so I'm sure he knew a ton of ways to may me suffer but I never gave him the chance.
You are a worthy person and obviously smart enough to know something isn't right. You are asking for help and people are offering encouragement because you CAN change your life for the better.
If you don't want anything better for yourself, that's fine because you are an adult. Your babies aren't and they depend on you to protect them from all danger.
Please be brave and remove yourself from this situation.

Martha - posted on 05/17/2012

email me garciamartha69@yahoo.com i believe a lot of mothers here are willing to help you and the solution is easier than the talking. please you know this man is abusing your kids.
PLEASE DO SOMETHING. we can research information on the internet, we can found you places. call 911 do something!!!

Tracy - posted on 05/17/2012

You are scared of him, I get that. Call the police, a neighbor, anyone with any decency will help. Even people you say you have alienated, if they know why, they would probably help you and forgive you. Do your sons go to school, daycare, friends of their own? Is there any male figure that would stand behind you to help keep you safe as you stand up for yourself and your kids? If you cannot think of any one person then call 911. Go to a hospital and tell them your concerns, they will do what they are obligated to do and report him. Please do whatever you can.

Courtney Star - posted on 05/17/2012

I am a mother of four and have been through two abusive relationships in my lifetime and have come out virtually unscathed and watched my own mother be abused by my father for years. I was never sexually abused; however, one of my children was at around the age of four by a child caretaker; therefore, I know the anguish a mother goes through when relying strictly upon Mother's Intuition.
Regarding your situation:
Your children come first no matter what. I know what it is to stay with a person because you love them so much but remember that loving someone more than yourself is to no avail. That person will begin to realize that your existence and self appreciation; self-worth revolves around them and thus you become worthless, not only to yourself but to him and anyone that can feel your energy that comes across your path.
Remember that children have excellent memories that although they may not be able to recall when you ask them but the memories resurface as life plays its course. And then you are left to blame and the questions begin:
why did you allow someone to treat you bad, why didn't you do anything about me being hurt, why did you stay, why did you marry him, and they go on and on.
LEAVE NOW TO SAVE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES!!!!!! there are places that will help you but you have to make the decision to take control of your life!!!

Sara - posted on 05/17/2012

This post has really sat with me for over a day, and nothing over the internet ever "sits" with me. Why you are letting this continue to happen is absolutely absurd. When my daughters were born, when I held them in my arms - I swore to do everything in my power to protect them. And here is your son, that you once cradled in your arms is being sexually molested by a grown main and your main concern is how to make the relationship work.

Get your head on straight, you're not a teenage girl - your main priority isn't how to make a relationship work. It's the well being of your children. If I had the slightest inclination of who you are where you live - I would report you.

I realize you're slightly intimidated by everyones response, but we're all concerned about what's going on here. Be a decent human being, and give us some kind of update to your situation. We're all aware of a child being abused and now it has to sit with us knowing that we can't do anything about it.

Go get help! Your children need your help.. be their mother and do something about it!!!!!

Tracie - posted on 05/17/2012

I know it's hard to see the right choice when you're in the thick of it, so let me ask you this. If a friend of yours came to you with this story, what would you advise her to do? I know you know the answer. There is nothing to save. I'm so sorry. Please protect your innocent children from this man who clearly is riddled with major issues. I'm sending you strength. Good luck.

Franchesca - posted on 05/17/2012

Get out now! Or the sake of your children for Pete's sake, these things never end well

Elane - posted on 05/17/2012

I feel your pain I lived this way for 3 years you and you children are being abused. I even understand your oldest wanting his attention. Even though your son will be angry and upset get out or have him escorted out by Police and any marks or injuries should be documented.
The more your 4yr old sees the more he will believe its ok.

Lisa - posted on 05/17/2012

Also, I wanted to say, if you suspect your child is being abused, but do not report it to the appropriate authorities, the children can be taken away from both of you. They can also charge you with child endangerment if you know about it or even suspect it, but don't say anything. Even if you aren't sure about it, you need to report your suspicions. An investigation needs to be done. You can go on with your life without worry once he's in prison. And, if there's any way to get him to pay child support, that will take care of your financial concerns.

I hope this all helps. Listen to all these women - as mothers, we care about you and your children. You must keep them safe no matter how much you may want to save the marriage. It's not worth it. You don't deserve it; they don't deserve it. I wouldn't even consider being with him unless he's been through treatment, served his time, gotten long term help and care and a support group, and shown that he has changed and is a different person. It is most likely that that will not happen. I know it's got to be hard and scary, but YOU CAN DO IT! Get to safety now!!

Tracy - posted on 05/17/2012

Let me use an analogy. A car full of people rob a bank, but the person driving doesn't know that's why he drove the car until after it happened. The driver is just as guilty as the one holding the gun. If you do nothing to protect your kids, you are essentially telling the world, and more importantly YOUR KIDS, that what your husband is doing is perfectly fine. Save your kids, and yourself. Call the police! NOW!

Anitra - posted on 05/17/2012

Nope! You cannot help someone who does not want to help his or herself. We can give you all the advice in the world. The question is - do you want to help yourself? Don't worry about the finances. A man you can find anywhere. You only get one life! Make this life count for both you and the children. May you find peace and be blessed!

Deborah - posted on 05/17/2012

You must get away from him for so many reasons!. I was Executive Director for a Shelter for Battered Women and Children. YOU ARE BEING PHYSICALLY AS WELL AS EMOTIONALLY ABUSED. It is a downward spiral and will continue to get worse. If your son is being sexually abused (and I think you know in your heart that he is) it is your duty to keep him away from the perpertrator. I can not tell you the repercussions your little boy will have all through out his life. He needs counseling and will on a continual basis. He can't help himself................you MUST!This perpetrator has 3 problems not one. First one is sexual preditor, second he's an abuser, third he's an alcoholic. I could go on and on but let me just say the only solution to this problem is to GET OUT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, save your family and get rid of this basterd!

Shaunte - posted on 05/17/2012

This is my second post Rhonda, and I apologize now because its tough o say, but you HAVE to think of your children first. It doesn't matter what you want, you have to do what is necessary to protect your children. I don't understand being able to justify feelings when your children are suffering. I would end someone if I even thought that they were hurting someone that I made. You have to put aside feelings and do what's right. Not later, now.

Donna - posted on 05/17/2012

Get out now before he hurts you or your children anymore!!! If you want to save this relathionship do it with tough love. Leave and IF and WHEN he gets the help that he obviously needs give him another chance, but not without some major change on his part. Be strong...if not for yourself for your children. They don't need to be subject to this type of environment.

Cherie - posted on 05/17/2012

I should also add that if you don't get this man away from your children, they will likely be taken away from you, and you could be charged for not protecting them.

You know what you need to do here Rhonda.

Claudia - posted on 05/17/2012

Hi Rhonda, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I grew up with an alcoholic dad who thought that he didn't have a problem. Things never got better. They only got worse. Growing up, I hated my dad and I was upset with my mom for not leaving him. I now understand that my mom did the only thing she could do to protect us from having to spend extended periods of time alone with my dad, which is what would have happened if she would have divorced him. However, my dad never sexually assaulted us. And I think that brings your problem to a whole new level. If your husband is indeed abusing you child, you may be held liable for knowing and not doing anything about it. I am a mother of two boys and I know that if anyone tried to mess with them, they would pay dearly. In my opinion it is my job as a parent to protect my children from harm to the best of my ability. All that to say, I understand it's hard, but you will have to come up with the answer to your questions on your own, in your own time. May the Lord guide you and help you to make the right decisions.

Cherie - posted on 05/17/2012

Unfreakingbelievable. It is obvious that you need to get this sick, disgusting person out of your life. The first thing they do is "gaslight" you (meaning that they invalidate everything you say, make you think it's YOU that has the problem, make you second-guess your judgement, etc.). Leaving will be difficult. You WILL have financial issues. You can be certain of that. But if this man has a job, it won't be for long and you will find yourself not only having to support your kids, but having to support a dangerous, abusive parasite -- which will certainly cost you more. If this man had any redeeming qualities, I'd advise you to go to Alanon and get the help you need to try to help him. But the fact that he abuses you and possibly your son is reason enough to get him out of the house and out of your life. Alanon could be the possible first step you need in order to deal with a drunk, but I'd also look into abused women'd support groups. They might be able to get you into a shelter where he can't find you until he cools off or you are ready to support yourself. Best of luck to you and your kiddos.

Zipporah - posted on 05/17/2012

I think you should leave. I understand that you love him and want to fix things but you can't help him if he doesn't think he has a problem and if you continue the relationship then you are only enabling him to do wrong. You need to put your kids first not him. He is an adult an knows his actions and consequences. Kids do not. Trust me when I say this get your kids and run!!!! I have a whole story but not going to put it on here. If you wanna talk more you can email me at sipple_z@yahoo.com and then I will send you my #. I know from years of experience that this is serious. Physical abuse is not the only abuse. There is mental, emotional, and financial abuse. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk more. There are so many programs for women and children with abusers. They will help you get a place find a job and support your kids. Please take advantage of these opportunities to help you and your children. Take care of those precious babies! Please put you and your children before him. I know it's hard to leave when you love someone but with time it will get easier.

Nicole - posted on 05/17/2012

I am not going to air my whole story on here but I have and still are going through some of the things you are going through. E-mail and we can talk so more. schwabenicole@yahoo.com

Pasty - posted on 05/17/2012

Well, Rhonda, one of the very first signs of abuse is the alienation of you to your friends and family. They take away your support group. The fact that his mother has dealt with this three times doesn't mean she knows how to cope, it means she knows how to circle. A person deserves much better than this. To feel trapped in a relationship based on money and fear is not living. Your children learn by the example of those that are raising them. Consider for a moment what lesson you are teaching your children right now. What behaviors are you telling them it is okay to exhibit? Is it okay for them to be abused and learn how to just deal with it? Is it okay to allow someone to tell them they cannot have friends because it's too hard? Are these the messages you want your children to learn? Or perhaps learning how to abuse someone else is what they are learning instead. Somewhere along the line these are the lessons you seem to have learned. You need to go to a mirror, look at yourself for a few minutes. Then I want you to tell yourself, with all your heart, that you love yourself. Because right now, with what you are going through and what is happening to you it seems you don't. Once you learn to love yourself and realize that you deserve better you can step forward and take control of your life. Alcohol is what is controlling his and thus controlling yours right now. Don't you think you and those children deserve better? Love yourself so that your children can learn to love themselves as well.

Martha - posted on 05/17/2012

TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE, I WILL HELP YOU GET OUT OF THERE. I AM SORRY I WAS HARSH BUT YOU UPSET ME.
we can all help you, do not think of the money. if money is your concern you are not good mommy. get a job, get food stamps, get help there are plently of places that can help you and if you are scare for your life, there are plently organizations that can help you.
PLEASE PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE, AM ON MY KNESS, GET OUT NOW, AT THIS MOMENT.
PLEASE GET OUT, I ONLY THINK OF YOUR LITTLE ONE BEING ABUSE AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT HIM. PLEASE GET OUT.

Martha - posted on 05/17/2012

I cant even believe how you are thinking about financially repercusions when your kids physical, emotional stability is at stake. i dont want to say any bad things to you but i wish i could. you need to go right now, change the locks on the house. have the police talk to him that if he get closer to you he will be arrested. call social services to get psycological help for your kids and hugs your kids and protect them for that monster you love with!!
you talked about wanting your relationship to work? there is nothing worth saving!!! where is your self steem?, an alcoholic man who abuse you in any way he can to you and your kids; verbal, psycological, physical, emotional, etc. plus the money you worry is being drink by him!!!
Open your eyes, we have the privilege to become mothers, our kids did not asked to be on this world we have a commitment to protect them and take care of them the minute you make the choice to bring it into this world and keep them.
your kids will not tell you what is going on because you do not inspire them enough trust to confide in you. you are RESPONSABLE TO PROTECT THEM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
i am urging any one who knows you and live closer to you to call social service and take your kids away INMEDIATELY!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/17/2012

If you look into anything with sexual abuse, most abusers think they are pleasing the child, not hurting them. Your son may not show any fear because he may think that the attention he gets from it because he may think its good attention and that's how his new dad shows his "love." It goes without saying that its all very wrong. Please if it's the only reason for doing so, GET OUT AND GET THOSE KIDS COUNSELING! If he grows up thinking that kind of attention is ok then he will just carry out the pattern and do those same things. I know this is easier said than done, and I couldn't imagine being in your shoes, but do it for your kids!

Lisa - posted on 05/17/2012

NO. NO. NO!! Get him out! It's not worth financial stability! Take the kids & go to a women's rescue center if you have to. Call child protect & get away now!!

Siobhan - posted on 05/17/2012

R u for real "u think your child is been abused" if I thought for one moment my husband was I would have no problem in killing him. And you want to save the relationship?????? What problems in later life r u setting up for you son.

Kelly Shealy- - posted on 05/17/2012

Rhonda,



I respect that you are doing all that you can to save this relationship and spare any further hurt for your children. But if I questioned for a moment that my spouse or anyone was abusing my child, I would be gone in an instant! Trust me, I know it is hard to leave but our children deserve protection at all cost! Whatever you may lose materialistically or financially is not worth saving your children from any harm! I wish you the best and I pray for strength and guidance in your life! Sometimes we need to be single so our children get 100% of our love and attention! One great parent is better than two not-so-great parents in a child's life... Best of luck!

Shaunte - posted on 05/17/2012

Why would you consider saving something that is hurting your child? Get the help you need and put your children first.

Neo - posted on 05/17/2012

I am truly touched by all women who are reaching out to Rhonda. This is my second posting of the day. Rhonda, have you heard of the Half The Sky Movement in the United States? If money is a concern, call them for help I am certain they will have a roadmap for you, you may google the site if need be for contacts and info.

And, I feel for you regarding the ' sexual abuse'. My answer is, you know when you know, because I knew when I knew and that gut feeling is not a over imagination. There has to be more to what you have expressed, and I respect you for reaching out for help. Gather yourself, and, make an exit plan before it is too late. I left my home with 5 Euro, it was very difficult, struggled a lot, and technically still struggling financially but have never slept hungry. So you are not alone. You may email me on neothema@aim.com

Stay well

Helen - posted on 05/17/2012

Save yourself and your children, not this marriage.
I have experience with alcohol abuse to a lesser extent - my husband is a functioning alcoholic, & I have extensively researched all this.
It is VERY unlikely he will change his behaviour. Alcoholics generally only do so (if at all) after a major loss caused by their drinking, such as loss of a family/ marriage or loss of a job.
He may b doing this once the children r asleep but there r other effects - such as him being hungover around them every day. Witnessing alcohol abuse is highly damaging for children, never mind any other forms of abuse that may b occurring.
U say your son is not affected by the sexual abuse, yet he displays classic signs. Both these statements cannot b true.
The financial repercussions r nothing compared to the other repercussions that WILL happen if u do not leave. The sons of alcoholics r 20% more likely to become alcoholic themselves. Your husband is normalising this behaviour for them.
U will recover financially, in time.
They probably won't recover if u stay.
Good luck & be strong

Fiona - posted on 05/17/2012

PLEASE leave. Listen to the women who gave specific financial advise.

It is one thing to endanger yourself (even though I don't think you should), but you are endangering your children, as well. Hopefully your husband is not abusing your child, but you need to play it safe and GET OUT OF THERE. You also NEED to get your child counseling, since I've read that many psychologists call sexual abuse of children "soul murder" because it creates so much life-long damage. You also need counseling.

Go to a shelter for abused women if you must, but PLEASE get out asap. Good luck to you. Don't try to make this work. There are too many obstacles and a failed marriage is nothing compared to the possible consequences.

Donna - posted on 05/17/2012

Hi Rhonda. Like some other women who responded, I've had a similar story. I have to say that staying may get you hur...t or even worse. He is abusing you. It's not physical yet, But the emotional and mental abuse is a tactic the addict uses to get his way.
The only way you guys are going to make it is if he gets into a recovery program. Most importantly, YOU will not be able to convince him to do this. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. The addict loosing his family may, sometimes, be a step to his realizing he has a problem. However, the longer you stay, the more he is going to resent you. He needs someone to blame. He is not himself right now. The distance will give you clarity you can't possibly have with such a stressful stiuation going on. I was lucky and was able to go stay with my sister. I left, rather than stay, because I was very afraid of my husband at the time. His friends had actually called me to tell me that if I didn't leave they were afraid he'd kill me.

As for the second part of this situation. I understand you don't want to falsely accuse your husband of something like this. Is there an organization in your community for women who are abused? These organization know the laws in your area. I would enlist their help. Someone trained in understanding sexual abuse in children needs to handle this. You could be wrong and that would be great. But let a professional talk to your child and find out for sure. The consequences are TOO great if you don't follow up on this. You're son could be emotionally damaged for life if this isn't handled correctly. Honestly, I believe he could also be taken away from you, if you don't do something about this and another adult find out about it.

If you leave or kick him out, you need to collect a few things before you do. Collect ALL financial information. Bank account numbers, logins/passwords, $$ amounts, insurance, pension, 401K's. Plus, a lawyer will tell you to clean out the bank account. I wasn't thinking right and just couldn't do this. You, most likely, will feel the same way. However, do it. He did this to your marriage. However, the abuser convinces you that you are in some way at fault & that's why you doubt yourself. However, for the sake of your children, do it.

I NEVER thought I would get back with my husband. However, somehow, we made it. However, don't leave him thinking you'll get back together. Leaving is leaving.
He went to a rehab center a couple months after I left. I came back & back into the house. He rented an apartment when he got out of rehab. Three years later, strict AA agenda's, lots individual counceling for him & lot's of marriage conceling for us, we have somehow just begun to pull this out of the gutter. It is a LOT hard work for both parties to move past this.

I will pray for you. Please, go to your friends and family tell them what going on. You will need their love and support. Believe in yourself. You are wonderful.

Dawn - posted on 05/17/2012

You know the answer..get out now....dont walk..RUN.

Dorothy - posted on 05/17/2012

Hi Rhonda. Your story sounds very similar to what my family went through about 5 years ago. Except that it was me with the drinking problem. I wasnt physically abusing the children in the sense most people think of, but there were plenty of times when I was not able to function, and certainly not competent to be in sole charge of my children who were 5 and 3 when it began to be a problem.
Anyhow, i didnt want to admit to having a problem. My husband tried everything to get me to stop but nothing worked. Eventually, he got a court order banning me from the house. I was able to see the children, but only with him or my mother present. I went to live in a flat, saw them somethimes and carried on drinking until i was at the point of losing my job, and my health was deteriorating rapidly. It took me 18 months to see sense, and i went to a rehab place for 4 weeks, got sober and gradually got my life back. 4 years on, i am back with my husband, i am sober (for today anyway), and i am happy.
I tell you this because you need to realise - you probably do already - that he will not change for you, or even for the children. You cannot fix him. So, my strong advice would be to make him leave, you shouldnt have to be the one that leaves. I dont know how the courts work in the US, you will need to consult a lawyer to talk through the options. Get on with your life, and raising your family, and let him sort himself out. You cannot do it for him, although it sounds really harsh to say it. Hopefully, in time, he will get sober, and be able to take up the role of father again.
There are support groups for families of addicts which you may find helpful. I havent mentioned the sexual abuse element of your situation, that is something i have no experience of. But i do know what it is like to be an addict, and i know that NOTHING is more important than getting your next fix.
I wish you all the best. Pleae feel free to get in touch by pm if you need any more advice.
Thinking of you. D xx

Lerato - posted on 05/17/2012

You have to leave this man, clearly he does n't have your best interest or the kids. I dont see why you should stay with him. Please do yourself & if not for your kids a favour and leave.

Lenash - posted on 05/17/2012

I wlill advice you live apart for some time to avoid the children being abused by him and try and talk to someone he will listen to so that the person will talk to him into seeing the AA and go for counselling too.

Neo - posted on 05/17/2012

Rhonda, my heart goes out to you. I lived the life that you are living. Mine was worse than yours because I was beaten everyday and did not know any better. Abuse was the order of the day. My genuine advice is to seek help as soon as possible and prepare an exit plan. You sensitise your local social worker about the situation, and the law enforcement so that they are at least aware - this is for the safety of you and your children. It may also be wise to reach out to your local Priest for Pastoral Counsilling. I wish all the best as this situation is not going to get better, it will get worse. I am not being negative, but based on what you have said, I see it everyday and violence and abuse has no boundaries, knows no creed or colour - I am writing to you in my living room in Botswana - Africa. You may privately email me on neothema@aim.com ( ps I am a Gender Activist)

All the Best

Pasty - posted on 05/16/2012

First off, you don't really have a relationship. You are living in a hell and putting your children through it as well. Being married doesn't mean that you have a relationship. A relationship requires that you have communication and appreciation between the two of you. If you suspect something is wrong - trust your instincts. You would be better off in a shelter than living under the same roof with a man that has just started getting the nerve to hurt you physically as well as emotionally. You are right, he needs help. If he will not get it willingly and love you and the children enough to recognize it and go then you have no business staying with him. And you should go to Alanon or AA yourself for some support.