should my son see his dad?

Kerry - posted on 01/05/2012 ( 211 moms have responded )

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my 5yr old son hasnt seen his dad for 2yrs now. I split with his dad after years of violence got the better off me and i finally found the strength and courage to stand up to him. That was 6months after i had my son, he then very shortly after i split with him was arrested at my home and sent down for sexual assult on two minor girls (i knew nothing about this until he was arrested!) apparently it happened when he was a minor himself.

Long story short, the relationship was violent, forced sex (how son came about), locked away from friends, he played mind games, he was a compulsive liar...(for example he told me his dad had died so i wouldnt split with him) but a week after he was sent down his dead dad called from the grave! not dead at all.

after he was released from prison i wasnt sure about him seeing his son, hes violent towards me but not with his son...i let him see his son while supervised by my mum in her home. However my son then 2yrs began getting aggesive towards me, his dad told him to punch me in the face and my son did, dad stood there laughing. I also learned my son was being pyshically restrained by his dad when he was playing up so i stopped him seeing him. i said he needed to sort himself out and be a proper dad or not see him.

Now 5yrs old and my sons not seen his dad for over 2yrs, its taken me and my current partner 1yr to sort out my sons aggesive behaviour and hes now a settled and loving little boy, but should he see his dad? hes settled with another girl, got another kid on the way, still doesnt work though, never has! ive heard hes going to try and get access to his son once hes had his new baby. do i let him see his son? do i risk it?

Thanks k

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Krista - posted on 01/05/2012

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I would strongly resist letting your son get anywhere near this man. Fight it tooth and nail.

If he wants to take you to court, let him. Give details of everything, and provide witnesses if possible. At the most, they'd give him supervised visitation, I would predict. And if at any point during the supervised visitation he pulls a stunt like before, you call your lawyer.

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2012

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It sounds to me like you're still holding out hope that this man will change. Maybe one day he will, but chances are not. Personally, if it were me, I'd petition the court to dissolve his parental rights, get full custody and never look back. If you, as a parent, put your child into a situation that is not safe (such as near a physically abusive father), you are being neglectful as a parent and can actually be charged in court with child endangerment. Please don't subject your child to such a negative influence.

Vanessa - posted on 01/07/2012

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If he is going to take you to court, the worst thing you could do is allow him access to your boy. If your whole case will be based on your fear of him harming your son, either physically or emotionally, and you allow him access, you will be asked why you allowed access knowing he was in danger.... they manage to twist EVERYTHING around in court. Document everything that has happened and stay strong x

This Place Sucks - posted on 01/06/2012

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i would never let my child near any person of the likes...get a restraining order

Ashley - posted on 01/16/2012

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I could say so much to this but please NO!!!! Protect those babies never let them go. If he abused you he will abuse them. Please don't make a mistake you can't correct!!

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Ashley - posted on 01/16/2012

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I could say so much to this but please NO!!!! Protect those babies never let them go. If he abused you he will abuse them. Please don't make a mistake you can't correct!!

Peta - posted on 01/16/2012

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BTW, good for you for getting out of the r'ship in the first place. That takes a lot of courage!!!!

Peta - posted on 01/16/2012

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NO Way! As both a mum myself and a also a teacher, I have seen too many children affected by situations such as these. Who are you wanting to please by letting your son see his dad? The 'father' or your son? At 5 (I have a 5 y.o. daughter), ch'n need positive role models. If it were me, there'd be NO WAY I'd let my child near him. Just my opinion. Hope it all goes well for you.

[deleted account]

If what you are saying is true, I agree with the previous response. There is NO WAY on this planet I'd allow that man to have one second of supervised visits with his birth father. Let him take you to court over it. Someday your son might want to know why you said no visits, but you will let him know it was for his safety. I strongly recommend counseling as well to help you with this and to talk through what needs to be done. Counseling for you and for your son. At five he is too young for 'sit on the couch' therapy, but he could benefit from a form of counseling centered around play therapy.

Leslie - posted on 01/16/2012

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Maybe once your son is old enough to make the kind of decision where he would like to see his dad ( and be old enough to understand why you kept him away from the violent person that IS his father ) then maybe it would work. For now, I would just keep him in the dark as to who and what his biological father is. Just because he helped make that baby doesn't mean he has the right to be in his life. If he's a bad parent/bad person/ abusive, etc... he doesn't deserve the right to be in his life - or yours, for that matter.My sister is in the same situation where her baby's daddy was abusive and not a good person or parent. He doesn't care for any of the children that he has, and so she left him and he hasn't seen my niece since she was 6 months old. My sister is afraid that he will one day want to be in her life. I tell her I seriously doubt it. I'm not sure where you're from, but here he would have to pay through the nose in back child support and court fees in order to see her. ( he never would, he's worthless and wouldn't spend the money or the time do to so ) It sounds like the man you're dealing with is the same way. --- I'm sure everyone on here's agreeing to this scenario as well, to keep your son AWAY from that man. Good Luck.

Natasha - posted on 01/16/2012

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Absolutely not! If I were you I would stay as far away from this guy as possible. It is not safe or healthy for you or your son to be anywhere near this guy.

Lori - posted on 01/16/2012

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Absolutely not! I would do anything in your power to keep him from seeing his father. There is no indication whatsoever that he has changed in any way at all. I would use the court system to keep him away from your child so your child can grow up and be a healthy and loving young man.

Pamela - posted on 01/16/2012

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I would not advise you to let your son anywhere near his father. It could end up hurting your son more than do him good.

Kolbie - posted on 01/16/2012

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I went through a similar situation and in my opinion you should get a really good lawyer and just get his rights terminated. Having my ex's rights removed was the best thing I ever did. More than likely your ex is only saying he will get access to your son because its what his new girlfriend wants. And after just getting your son's aggression work through, putting him in that situation can make things worse.

Fiona - posted on 01/16/2012

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Short answer "No", how sad though. Your son can get all the love and support in the world from you and your support networks. I'm a single mum myself.

I think this man's influence on your son will only serve to confuse him. I think when your son is old enough to look after himself and strong enough (like very late teens or twentys) that he can then build some kind of relationship with this tragic character..

Tina - posted on 01/16/2012

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If it were my child, I would stay as far away as I could. You should also have, long ago, gone to court to get custody of your child. I would go tomorrow. DO NOT DELAY. I would sy you have no contact with him and hav enot since he was in jail.No child support.... don't tell more than is asked. Of course, do not lie to the judge but i would not give any unnecessary info out. I would go get full custody started immediately. Especially since he is out of jail and you are hearing he wants to see his son. I think parents should be involved, but never at the risk of the kid. Physically or mentally. Best of luck to you and him.

Joanne - posted on 01/16/2012

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Okay, he's been arrested for sexual assault on minors...that alone could keep him from seeing his son until he's of age. Let him take you to court, with or without lawyers on either side, the judge will just laugh at him! I would try real hard to change the subject if your son starts asking about him. All you need to say is "he's not a nice man" and leave it at that. I have 2 daughters, 3 sperm donors and I would tell them the same. You don't need a lawyer, just call the court house & ask how you go about getting FULL custody of your son. Good luck Sweetie, just keep that beautiful son of yours away from that man. You sound like you're giving him a perfect home...keep up the good work!!!!

Cerina - posted on 01/16/2012

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Kerry, I am sorry you have to go through this. As for my opinion ABSOLUTELY NOT. However, you must do what u think is best in your situation. I live in Illinois and here if you were never married to your child's father he really does not even have visitation rights. I am sure with a little research you can find all the information u need online. "If the parents never married (to each other), however, there is no legal right of visitation without a court order." http://www.illinoisfamilylaw.net/pages/p...

This site is aimed at father's rights but has good information for moms to know too. Look for information from where you live you may find out things that can help you. Plus, his legal past will work in your favor and if before you can get your own legal help he wants to visit try your best to make it supervised and I suggest recording his visits video and or audio. This will help you if he tells or shows that child violent acts that alter his behavior after the visit is over. Good Luck.

Anjie - posted on 01/16/2012

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There is no reason he should see his dad. The better thing to do in my opinion is to get a restraining order if possible and state any and all reasons why. Then bar his dad from seeing him. that way if he tries to fight it in court you will have a statement to show the court why he can't see your son. Get witness statements also and have them notarized. This guy is abusive plain and simple. Physically and emotionally toward you, and emotionally to your son. I feel very strongly that no child needs an abusive or manipulative parent in their life. And if you can provide your son a good male role model with your partner or even a good friend then that is better in the long run.



I know we are strangers, but I offer virtual hugs anyway.

Mara - posted on 01/16/2012

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Having been through something similar. I would say no. Keep your son as far from his father as possible.

That being said. You must think about the legal implications for you. Were you married? Was he on the birth certificate. Can he prove he has a legal right to see his son? Do you have a protection order against him for yourself or your son? If he has legal rights to see your/his son and you leave the state with your son for more than 10 days without his legal permission, he can try to get you on kidnapping charges. It does not matter to the state wether or not he is violet if he has a legal right to see your/his son. You could go to jail, and he could get him. That would be much worse. So the best thing, is to find out how you can best legally protect yourself and your son from him, and keep your son and his father as far apart as is legally possible. You could try for a protection order for both yourself AND your son. That could prevent any visitation, or if he gets visitation then it could be court ordered to be supervised by a court appointed counselor for that specific reason, AND court ordered for him to have to pay for said counselor/supervisor. Also there could be a stipulation that he has to go through domestic violence counseling before any visits could occur at all. Try for no visits first though and it may be possible if he has been convicted of sexual assault on minors already. Protect your son, yourself, and your new partner.

Tina - posted on 01/16/2012

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This is a very volitile situation Kerry, i really sympathize with you, and your little son is in the middle. Your Ex should not be around your son until he gets to grips with his life because in the long run your son could suffer especially when he hits his teens and he in turn will turn in violence. Judging with what he done to u when u were with him he sounds definitely disfunctional and chances are he is treating his new partner the same.

If you continue the supervised visits they should be on a strict basis that no lessons in violence or negativitity is shown otherwise no stop the visits and have enough evidence to produce in court when the time comes. Good luck. Let us know how u get on.

Jenn - posted on 01/16/2012

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Please do not allow your son to see his father. I've been a social worker for the protective agency in my state for 10 years. Trust me when I tell you absolutely nothing good will come from allowing your son to see his dad. You said yourself that you just got his behaviors under control. If he starts seeing his dad he will start acting up again. He is a negative influence and will be teaching him all the wrong ways to treat women. Please please don't do that to your innocent child.

Tracey - posted on 01/16/2012

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I agree with Krista E. And I am one who is speaking through the same experience that you are now going through. I went through years ago when my son was the same age and my son is now 19. He has never needed nor wanted his biological father. I got out and stayed out for the sake of my son and so should you.. these men NEVER change, they can act very well on the outside, but core is rotten... the desition is yours, save your son if not yourself... I wish you the continued strength that you had when you first left him,



T.C.

Felicia - posted on 01/16/2012

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Absolutely not! Matter of fact, if possible, move out of state before he gets a chance to take you to court. Preferably Madison, Wisconsin. Very family friendly. A friend of mine did this 2 years ago to keep her former boyfriend from harming her and their son further.Luckily, her ex didn't know how to proceed in getting visitation and was usually too high to seek assistance & his new girlfriend was happy that they were out of the picture.

Mindy - posted on 01/16/2012

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No, keep him away from your son as long as possible, so your son has a chance to become a good person before, being influenced by the likes of him. Not always easy and definitely sad. But worth it. I had a similar reason for keeping my son from his looser dad..biology does not make a Dad. Work, dedication, parenting, these are the things that make a good Dad..every day thinking of the needs of a child, before their own weak, selfish stupid selves.

Lin - posted on 01/16/2012

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You poor girl, my heart goes out to you, Seek legal advice, you can get an hour free with most lawyers now. he will tell you how you stand in this matter. I think you are within your rights to keep this bully away from your little boy. I am pleased that you have a decent man beside you now, and getting your son back to normality. I am so pleased you had the nerve and courage to get out from this situation before it was too late , x

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2012

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Heck no- and think all that hard work you and your partner went through to get your son back on track would be out the window as well....and you'll have to start from scratch.... Once an abuser always an abuser....... Thank god my son has only the best people in his life.....



God Bless.....

Andrea - posted on 01/16/2012

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If the Dad is fighting for visitation, fight for supervised ONLY until the courts can determine if he's fit to spend time unsupervised. If he hasn't filed to take you to court, just keep things the way they are. If he contacts you, tell him to get a lawyer and you'll see him in court.

Cheyenne - posted on 01/16/2012

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No and if I where you id take him to court almost same situation and im terminating rights, so my son don't have to deal with it. if a parent has made no contact in years or no part raising the child it can be done your sons lil so yeah he hasn't got physical with him but what happens when he gets older do what you feels best for all of you

Cheyenne - posted on 01/16/2012

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No and if I where you id take him to court almost same situation and im terminating rights, so my son don't have to deal with it. if a parent has made no contact in years or no part raising the child it can be done your sons lil so yeah he hasn't got physical with him but what happens when he gets older do what you feels best for all of you

Lea - posted on 01/16/2012

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If you have full custody - take this letter to your attorney and tell him "no visitation unless limited and supervised by a court appointed representative". Our stories are quite similar. My ex was a mess but didn't go to prison. I put his picture on the fridge for my kids - with his address and phone number. They knew they could always write or call him if they wanted to. I never bad mouthed him to the children, but I wouldn't lie to them if they asked questions. When my son reached 20 yrs old he decided he wanted to contact his dad. That was his choice. I just did not feel comfortable subjecting my babies to him whether he would have hurt them or not - - - hurting their mommy was pretty bad too. Good luck!

Jo - posted on 01/16/2012

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i wouldn't let him see his dad i had a relestionship just like that and as result i have to buttilely children who dont see their dad i wouldn't risk it he'll try and wind you in again and you don't want that hun xxx

Linda - posted on 01/16/2012

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Absolutely not!!!!! Your son has not formed a relationship with this man, is setteled and happy from your note. Just because someone was a sperm donor does not him a father. Protect your son from this man!

Dawn - posted on 01/16/2012

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I was in a very similar situation, only add in a drug problem. I have come to the conclusion that my life and especially my daughter's life is much better without him in it. I have since been married and had my son. My husband IS her daddy (biologically or not)

Catherine - posted on 01/16/2012

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Violence is often a learned behavior and there is no way you should let this little innocent child end up like this father. I would not allow any contact with this guy. Children are like sponges and "dad" is their ideal role model- your child will learn from him and this will have a life long impact on your child. You have a chance to give your child an amazing future, please take that. I would explain that their are different kinds of dads, and his biological dad has a "sickness" that makes him unable to be a father. The most important person in this whole decision is your child's and what is best for them in the long run- this is not about hurting feelings or trying to give someone a second chance. Keep your child far, far away from this man. When he is older you can explain the reasons and how you needed to protect him. If you give him a safe and loving foundation he will be able to see through all the BS of this guy later should he meet him.

Brenda - posted on 01/16/2012

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Hell no. He doesnt deserve ur son and ur son doesnt deserve to go thru that again. Abusive men dont change. Just b/c he's settled w/a new girl and has a baby on the way doesnt mean anything. Boys who grow up watching their fathers abuse women are more likely to become abusers themselves. Plus if his father abused you he will abuse your son. That happens in the majority of cases so why risk it? And in the case of getting a socia worker and the courts involved thats an incredibly risky move. More than a few women i know thru a domestic violence support group have had their children taken away and given to the abuser b/c abusers are master manipulators esp when it comes to the family courts. Until and unless it is court ordered do not let him around your son. Not to mention he is a sex offender. Would you let your son around a known sex offender if he wasnt his dad? Treat his dad like you would any other abusive man and/or sex offender. Like stated previously, dna doesnt make a dad.

Theresa - posted on 01/16/2012

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I was told by my dad when my children were 5 and 6 that their dad would always be their dad, there is nothing will change that but it is your responsibility to take care of your child and keep them from harm. It is better for him to grow up in a peaceful home with love around him. He will properly search out his dad when he gets older but then he can better take care of himself. If your x would try and get custody the court due to his violence would not let him so dont worry. Enjoy your life with your son...

Linda - posted on 01/16/2012

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Don't bother. This useless dad is a dead beat and not worth the effort. Just make sure when you tell your child about him not to bad mouth him even though his father is evil. Just refer to him as someone whos lost and cant be around and its nothing he did its just the way some people are. Some are capable of love and some arent. Your ex will only end up abusing your son and hurt him just to get to you, he will be punishing him because he knows it will punish you. Once a beater always a beater. I pray for his new family that they see the light and get as far away to safety a.s.a.p. You have repaired a horrible situation and restored hope and safety in your childs life, you are his rock and his world. The new life you have given him is a blessing and secure keep it that way and make sure you get full custody and absolutely no visitation for that jerk. Your child needs to be surrounded by loving supportive positive people who care about his growth into a strong responsible well balance gentleman full of confidence integrity compassion and respect. Your going in the right path, being a parent isnt just biological.

Susie - posted on 01/16/2012

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It does not seem like this would be wise considering all the past behavior he has inflicted on you and the child. However, if you with hold contact between them, this could cause resentment on the child's side later on. If you have court appointed custody of your son (which I hope you do), I would request a professional registered social worker present during each parental visit. This allows the boy's father his right to see him and protects the boy from any aggressiveness.

Susie - posted on 01/16/2012

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It does not seem like this would be wise considering all the past behavior he has inflicted on you and the child. However, if you with hold contact between them, this could cause resentment on the child's side later on. If you have court appointed custody of your son (which I hope you do), I would request a professional registered social worker present during each parental visit. This allows the boy's father his right to see him and protects the boy from any aggressiveness.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/16/2012

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if it were me, no. there is a lot more to being a father than DNA and it sounds like he doesn't deserve the title for your son. when your son gets older he can make his own decision but for now it's your responsibility to keep him safe.

Erica - posted on 01/16/2012

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No! I was in a very similar situation with my daughter, now 7. Her father was very violent towards me and I left him when I was 3 months pregnant. It sounds like he is a bad influence on your son. You have no obligation to him, but you do to keep your son safe and happy. If he is violent and encourages your son to be violent he should be nowhere around him.

Josefina - posted on 01/16/2012

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In the best interest of the child, I would strongly advise you don't let them visit. All he can do is try. I mean it took you a long time to undo what he had done, and now you have your child where you want him. I don't think that it would be fair to your child if you did let the "POS" see him. If I was you I would fight him. He has enough on his plate you and you don't need that weighing in on yours. Our kids are the most precious everythings in our life, and for the POS donors to come in and ruin wa we have worked so hard for, is just not fair. Its not fair for the child and is sure is not fair for us.

DeAnna - posted on 01/16/2012

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Follow your heart, and MOM always know best!! Keep your head up and be strong for your son!!! Teach him how to treat a lady and NEVER look back!! Good Luck

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