Should parents stay together for the sake of the children??

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Brooke - posted on 03/09/2011

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I saw my parents arguing all the time, and to be quite honest it was a releif when they split up.
Kids see a lot more than you think they do, and honestly, most kids would rather see two happy parents living apart than two unhappy ones together. Your kids care about you as much as you do about them. Would you ask them to stay somewhere they were unhappy? No. And they should not expect that of you.
I agree that counselling and all that stuff is definitely worth a try, as it is better for the kids to be in one HAPPY-note HAPPY- family, but if you have tried everything you can, then you are better off going. It may traumatise them a bit, but in the long run it will do them good. Just remember, they are learning from you every day, and do you really want to teach them that that is what a relationship is supposed to be? No, you want to teach them to hold out for a healthy one.

Natalie - posted on 06/01/2009

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I did just that for 6 years & really regret it. I can only speak from my personal experience but being on the other side of divorce, with my children thriving, I realize that I should have done it 6 yrs before I (we) did. I think the worst effect was on my oldest daughter ( now 17), at 7-8 years old she took it upon herself to "protect" every one (ie keeping her little sister quiet, over acheiving, etc). For myself the longer I stayed- the deeper we were into life.........Hard, HARD decision. Hope this helped, good luck.

Megan - posted on 06/01/2009

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I say no... I lived in hell (well maybe not that bad.. but pretty awful) because my parents "stayed together" for me. Kids can feel the tension and it is painful to watch your parents forcing themselves together. It is better to have them separate and content and able to focus their love on you than to have them fighting or focusing too much effort into "keeping the peace" Kids need a supportive safe home emotionally and physically. It should be as much of a sanctuary as possible- and with unhappy tension in the house it makes home life extra difficult. If you are divorced emotionally it doesnt matter if you are married physically!



Oh and i felt like it was more my "fault" that my parents were "forced to" stay together than if they had separated when they need to!

Tyrae - posted on 03/09/2011

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My parents tried to do this when I was a little kid. It was horrible for us. They just started getting angrier and angrier at eachother, and it turned into physical fighting that we could hear at night, and in the morning see the aftermath of (plants thrown around the house, holes in the walls). Now they have so much resentment between them from trying to stay together that they can't even be in the same room as each other. They can't talk on the phone, nothing. Now that I have a daughter it makes trying to set up holidays horrible, because I have to work around both of their problems and it drives me nuts. It's best to leave the relationship on a relatively good note and be friends enough to get along later in life for their childrens sake than to try and stay together, end up hating each other and ruining holidays and what should be happy times for the children.

Kate - posted on 06/05/2009

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The children deserve the best people their parents can be. That being said, sometimes that may mean not being together. My husband and I came very close to splitting, and we stayed together for our kids. It ended up being a great thing, and our marriage is stronger for it, but I know that our situation is unique and not the norm.

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Jessica - posted on 03/16/2011

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no
if the parents no longer love each other, the tension would be great you'd be wasting your time and my personal opinion the child will know.
It would lead to being hurt and confused and i really don't want a child to think a loveless "marriage" is normal and to be expected

Ashley - posted on 06/10/2009

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No! because that makes everything worst... kids know when something isnt right and i remember growing up seeing the unhappiness on my parents faces and feeling the intensity in the air. However, i think it depends on how bad and good the sitution is. (Best of luck)

Bridgette - posted on 06/10/2009

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no they should not because it makes everybody unhappy and believe me kids know what is going on so do whats best for you first and that will be whats best for the kids in the long run

Delsi - posted on 06/07/2009

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I will say no beacau I cannot face divorce considering my cultural background but after a lot of counseling I get stronger and I separated 3 years already and my ex husband become a best friend and better for the kids to watch the parents happy than sad



be strong all the best and keep pray.

Lynn - posted on 06/06/2009

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Is it worth seeking counseling? that is always my first choice before giving up!!!

Amy - posted on 06/06/2009

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My opinion is no. I don't think it's teaching the kids how to have a healthy relationship. i don't think i would tell either of my daughters to "stick it out" if they were in unhappy relationships. i do think, however, that when they are old enough to understand it should be explained to them. (not the explicit details though) i grew up around many unhealthy relationships and feel that my relationships have suffered because of it. plus, it's not fair for the parents involved. u only get one life. why create regrets.

Lisa - posted on 06/06/2009

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Absolutely not.....If you and your and S/O are having problems staying together because of the children will not make things any better.. Every child will notice what is going on. Now if you two are able to live in separate homes and try your best to still raise your children the best you can then your children won't see all the problems between mommy and daddy. Keeping the tension to a minimum for your childrens sake should be the most important thing...

Denise - posted on 06/06/2009

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No. If it ain't working for the parents, don't try to make it work for the kids. The parents will be so unhappy together. Been there done that. Experience is the best knowledge

Chrystal - posted on 06/05/2009

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No, I believe that all children deserve to have both parents but that doesn't mean that the parents need to be together. Children with happy parents are happier people. Even if you can pretend to be happy to stay together for the children, they can tell that something isn't right. My daughter told me shortly after my divorce how great it was that mom and dad were happy again because we are better people apart and as much as we tried to keep her from knowing that we were unhappy she could tell. She is much better behaved, happier and has an overall better life now that we are apart.

Chrystal - posted on 06/05/2009

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No, I believe that all children deserve to have both parents but that doesn't mean that the parents need to be together. Children with happy parents are happier people. Even if you can pretend to be happy to stay together for the children, they can tell that something isn't right. My daughter told me shortly after my divorce how great it was that mom and dad were happy again because we are better people apart and as much as we tried to keep her from knowing that we were unhappy she could tell. She is much better behaved, happier and has an overall better life now that we are apart.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2009

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Quoting Rhona:

If you are still freinds with each other and get along then I say yes, who knows things could get better. But if you are fighting and can't stand to be together the kids would be better off happy with each parent separately, then being all together and everyone will be miserable. The day my parents finally decided to get divorce was a very happy day for all us kids.



I agree

Rhona - posted on 06/05/2009

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If you are still freinds with each other and get along then I say yes, who knows things could get better. But if you are fighting and can't stand to be together the kids would be better off happy with each parent separately, then being all together and everyone will be miserable. The day my parents finally decided to get divorce was a very happy day for all us kids.

Virginia - posted on 06/05/2009

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go to family couseling and take one step at a time no relationship is perfect, we all need help and guidiance

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2009

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I don't think so at all. For the simple fact that kids pick up on things and hear and see things tht parents don't realize. They know when their paretns are fighting even if they don't argue in front of the child. It puts a strain on the child's state of mind. The child will start thinking that they are the cause of it.

Angela - posted on 06/05/2009

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I went through this thought process for 3 years and last year I finally left my husband. Not because he wasn't a good person but because after having our son, he stayed the same and we grew apart. After the past year of not being with him, my life is less stressful, my son is more happy and I am a better person. My ex & I are friends and we get along because he realized he doesn't have the lifestyle to commit time to a family.. So, if you are an unhappy mommy, there is a likely chance of your children sensing this and being unhappy too. Regardless what anyone says after having children, you shouldn't keep the family together if it's hurting you.. Just an opinion from a woman that took the great step into the unknown.

Claudia - posted on 06/05/2009

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No. no, no, i stayed in an unhappy marriage for 18 years for the sake of my kids and at the end is not worth it. I tried everything to keep the marriage together just to realise the loved had already gone and we ended up hating each other. Two years later my kids and I are still picking up the pieces but in a much happpier home

[deleted account]

NO... a happy family makes happy children, suffering in silence in a bad relationship will show up in your childrens personalities eventually.

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NO... a happy family makes happy children, suffering in silence in a bad relationship will show up in your childrens personalities eventually.

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What example are you setting and what hopes do you have for THEIR relationships in the future? When you get that answer, then you should get the answer you are looking for to your question.



I am so thankful I saw a respectful relationship between my parents so that when I suddenly found myself in an unhealthy and abusive relationship, I wasn't confused or regretful when I bolted, even though we managed to have a son before I could make a clean break.



Oddly enough, it wasn't until I got pregnant before I saw this man's true colors. (you can argue that all you want, I'm used to other men saying "yeah, but didn't you see the signs?" like it was my fault. Uh no, a-hole, I'm not stupid. If there were "signs" I'd have sent him packing a long time ago, I don't take anyone's crap, I don't care how "good a reason there is to stay", like a child. ABUSE IS UNACCEPTABLE and there was no way in hell I was raising a son under that kind of shadow.



I want to vomit when I imagine being stuck married to him or trying to divorce his ass. Luckily I ended the engagement. Custody was bad enough.



Even without abuse, be mindful of what example you are setting. Even if "you get along", is that the most you want for your son or daughter? To find someone to "get along" with and make babies with them? I know I want my son and daughter to find someone who will love them, support them and cherish them, and pass that kind of love down to their children; but also, I want my son and daughter to know how to respect and love and cherish their partners right back.



The example; that is your responsibilty as a parent.

[deleted account]

I think no. My parents split when i was about 4/5 and i can still remember the arguments, one in particular still sticks in my mind! I have never said to my mum nor dad that i can remember it. The only people i have told are my gran and my partner and i only told them cause i was upset one day and had a low point, i didnt want people to know that i had vivid memories of them arguing. I do at times wonder what it would be like if they hadnt have split but i know that it was better all around for everyone. Its not fair for a lil one to be stuck between arguments, they just need to know how much they are loved by you both! x

Erin - posted on 06/05/2009

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For the sake of the children, No. You don't have to be together for your children to be happy. The main thing to do for your children is make sure they know they are loved and that you are there for them. Together or not, that's what they need

Emma - posted on 06/05/2009

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Id also say no as children pick up on things very easily and if they see mammy and daddy arguing all the time this could frighten them and make them unhappy especially if they are at an age when they are gonna remember things later in life , you dont want your children growing up saying all my mam and dad done was argue .

Chelsea - posted on 06/05/2009

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I think no. You children wouldnt want you to be unhappy and what example would you be setting for you kids. Would you want them to stay with their spouse when they're unhappy??

Amber - posted on 06/05/2009

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If the environment is not a good one, then I would say no. I tried with my daughters dad to stay because of her and it just ended up hurting more in the end. We fought all the time and our daughter didnt want to be around us. So unless you get along very well and are not completely unhappy I would say dont stay for the children. It just makes everyone unhappy. Its amazing what babies/children pick up on in the mood of a house.

Catherine - posted on 06/05/2009

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Quoting Jodi:



Quoting catherine:

Me and my baby's daddy aren't married, we split before i found out i was pregnant. I had the baby and then we got close and started seeing each other again we said we would take it slow and see how it went...he came over once a week to see his son and stayed over to give me a lye in, i fell in love with him all over again and wanted us to establish a relationship with each other....6 months went by and we still didn't have the bf gf label!!! i got agitated with the not knowing where we stood and waiting was driving me insane, which caused the occasioanl argument because i needed constane reassurance. this subsequently ended things indefinatly which was his decision he said he could never love me and it was for the best. Now i have had serious relationships in the past and some that when they have ended felt like the whole world had fallen out from beneath me, but when it is the father of your child and you are so in love with him it hurts and there is nothing you can do about it then what do u do? It's not like i can just cut himi out and get over him because i have to see him every week and talk to him about charlie....feels like my world has ended and am so depressed it's unreral...it's easier when it you that makes the decision or the otehr one in the relatiomnship is an ass and treats you liek shit, but he is golden, he's funny, caring, beautiful and my best friend, god i'm welling up just typing this. Hope no one else is in the shitty situation cz i have no idea what to do!!!






I just wanna hug you. I wish I could give you all the advice in the world, but I wouldn't even know where to start. What I will say though is that there is nothing bad about loving someone. It hurts to not be loved in return but if you can love him without the return of the same love, it will give you the ability to teach your child how to love, and that is very powerful. Love him and be proud that he is your childs daddy - he sounds like a good guy. I have no doubt it's hard being around him and not being able to love him but just as you can channel anger you can channel love too. Be strong, your lil boy needs you and one day you will see that you loved that man for a reason - whether it be so you know how to teach your son love, or so that you two end up together or even so that when the person you will spend your life with comes along you will be completely astonished at the love you find with that person. I'm sure none of this really helps you, but I read your reply and I couldn't help but try to throw some ideas out there for you to ponder and hope they help ease things for you.






Thanks for the response, i did find it sweet that you took the time to help, although nothing anyone says to me to try and help works, i found the part about me teaching my son how to love being very powerfull made me smile....It is hard and i have a difficult weekend ahead of me because he is over tomorrow and staying on the sofa, i find it hard to sleep when he does. Suck it up as they say lol, keep smiling i guess...if were meant o be together then we are meant to be together, that kind of helps too. thanks jodi, i have put a request in to join your circle just because you seem so nice. x

Brandi - posted on 06/05/2009

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NO!!! Even if you get along you are not showing your children a "true" marriage. Plus when you think you are getting along your kids sense and see a different picture-trust me! My parents divorced when I was 10 my sister was 8. It was hard at first but they were very civil to each other neither spoke bad of one another in front of us. It took a little time but they actually got along better and were friends. My dad remarried and we all would get together to celebrate birthdays it wasn't any of this, well you do one for me and one for him. Bottom line they put us first even being divorced. They also kept open communications as far as dicipline and anything else that might have came up. I am 35 now and having gone through that may have been tough for a short time they showed me what a marriage should be and that people grow in different ways and circumstances come up, they tried but realized they were better apart. I have been with my husband for 17 years and have 2 great kids. My parents were married 13 years but were friends a lot longer than that! I am not saying they never fought, but they kept that private and never brought us into the middle or used us at a weapon against the other.



Divorce is a big step make sure you alk to someone and have him go with you before you make a decision. Don't act like everything is great and blind side him, the communications have to be open at all times before and after a divorce. If it isn't then the divorce will be harder. Remember this is between you and your husband your kids aren't part of it. They don't have a choice in the matter they are just along for the ride so make it as smooth as possible for them. Good luck

Kimi - posted on 06/05/2009

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No way! Children can sense when things arent right and it will give them a very strange view of what marriage is really about. You should try to work it out because you love each other not because of the kids. Marriage is meant to last forever and if yours can't than it's pointless to stay together. The older the kids get the more upset they will be over the whole mess. My husband has gotten a divorce and now I have a 3 year old step daughter. She is doing fine and can now learn what makes for a great marriage.

Kimi - posted on 06/05/2009

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No way! Children can sense when things arent right and it will give them a very strange view of what marriage is really about. You should try to work it out because you love each other not because of the kids. Marriage is meant to last forever and if yours can't than it's pointless to stay together. The older the kids get the more upset they will be over the whole mess. My husband has gotten a divorce and now I have a 3 year old step daughter. She is doing fine and can now learn what makes for a great marriage.

Danette - posted on 06/05/2009

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This most important question is "how" to stay together. You have made a commitment to each other and your children when you decided to build a family. Please get counseling and do everything you can for your babies to keep mom and dad together. They need to know that it's possible to get through hard stuff without splitting. Been there, it's tough, make it work, please. It's worth it! (40 years married after LOTS of work).

Samantha - posted on 06/05/2009

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no because its never works out that way and in the end the kids get hurt not the parents and thats not fair on the children

Amy - posted on 06/05/2009

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well i'm not with my son's father anymore but we have remained good friends and he still spends time with his son and he knows he can see his son whenever he wants.

Amy - posted on 06/05/2009

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well i'm not with my son's father anymore but we have remained good friends and he still spends time with his son and he knows he can see his son whenever he wants.

Melissa - posted on 06/05/2009

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This is a great question. I think that it is so much more than staying together for the sake of the children. How about, because there is potential for healing through Christ. How about, because Christ ordained all marriages? How about, through God all things are possible? I have been with my husband for 15 years. In that time, we have overcome some very painful obstacles. Each one would have been legitimate in the world's eyes to leave my man. However, I felt that this man made his mistakes based on immaturity (we were young when we started our relationship), lack of parenting as a child, and lack of self respect for his own life. This man needed a hero. He needed someone praying and coaching him, even as painful as it was. Had I let the hurt overcome me there is not a doubt in my mind that my life would be even more rougher at this point. My children would have been hauled through a divorce. They would be influenced with God knows what during their visitations with their father. My husband would not have had the influence and encouragement in becoming a faithful commited father.



What helped me through the rough times is my faith. Remembering what Christ went through when he lived his mortal life on earth helped me. Remembering what scripture reveals in regards to being beat and spit on, yet he still loved enough to die on the Christ to save us. Thank you, Lord, for not giving up on me.



Please note, I do not believe parents should stay together if there is physical danger towards the children or wife. If the husband is beating his wife or children, doing drugs in the home, or an alcoholic, the mother would be accountable to the Lord for raising the children in that environment. Therefore, she has to do what is best by those kids and leave with them! I do believe there is grace for situations such as that. In those cases, the woman has not chosen to leave the family. The husband chose it the minute he laid a hand on God's precious children or princess. Therefore, God will provide for the mother when she physically makes those steps in separating from the man.

Rebecca - posted on 06/05/2009

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Children are happy if their parents are happy, and you will only be happy if your relationship is happy, Depending on how old your children are... Babies would know no different if u split amicably now and make a (rota) I hate using that word but it need sorting straight away... If your children are older explain that mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore and you(the children) can both still see mummy and daddy and you can stay at both houses etc... This is what I was told as a 4yr old and wouldnt change anything for the world... Also If your children are lots older 14/15 etc doing exams maybe postponing a split to safe stress for them would be them best idea for now... BUT DO WHATEVER MAKES U BOTH HAPPY MAYBE RELATIONSHIP COUNCELLLING. U did love each other for some reason REFINDIT!!!! x Good luck x

Danielle - posted on 06/05/2009

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i think parents should only stay together if they are happy and in a loving, commited relationship. To stay together for the sake of a child creates resentment, tension, loathing etc and a terrible atmosphere for that child to be brought up in. The older the children get the more aware they are of how people interact together and the way other families function. Staying together for the sake of a child is never a good idea unless your relationship is sound. Being apart and happy or together and miserable?? isn't much of a choice of you ask me. Regardles of your feelings for husband/wife/partner you have to do what is best for your child, at all times they must come first.

Jo - posted on 06/04/2009

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i would say no, if both parents feel like they cant be together anymore they shouldnt force it just for the kids. i think that aslong as your kids know that they are loved by their mummy n daddy then that is all that should matter.

Roxanne - posted on 06/04/2009

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no! i know someone who did and they are now gettn a divorce..

they hadnt been happy the entire 7 years, i think thats just harder for the kids to accept the divorce after so long. you need to do what makes you happy and your kids to grow up and understand that.. so they make the right choices..

Rachel - posted on 06/04/2009

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Absolutely NOT!!!!! Been there done that... If parents can't get along under the same room, why make your innocent children witness how much mommy and daddy fight and think "is this how you act when you're in love?" My children love the fact that they don't have to deal with that anymore. Splitting up a family is hard but you are always your own little family with the little ones regardless.

Julie - posted on 06/04/2009

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I would strongly urge you to take a hard look at how you handle your family altogether. Anymore families are told to put the children first which puts a strain on the relationship of the parents. It is no wonder that divorce rates are so high when this relationship is the last to receive any kind of attention! I would urge you to focus on some TLC on you man and see what that might do to remedy some of the problems here. It is always better to stay together when you start a family with someone, for everyone involved. (Unless there is abuse! Then you need to find help from anywhere.) Best of luck to you! :o)

Barby - posted on 06/04/2009

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i agree with Sian Evans fully. if your partner just isnt your bag anymore than consider the pros & conns. if there is tension and all around aggression then bail. remember your children learn about relationships by watching mom & dad, they will likely do what you do with your partner. if its loving then they are set :) if you have no patience for eachother , sleep in separate beds etc then they will likely have relationships that arent exactly affectionate.

remember you have a right to be really happy in your life & nobody will blame you for wanting to be.

good luck!

Gina - posted on 06/04/2009

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Lots of factors to consider. I would say no.. if the children are aware of the tension. I grew up in the era where the dad hung around until the kids were grown, not always the best choice.

CJ - posted on 06/04/2009

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If you feel that you have done everything you could do and you tried to make it work and you know that you and your significant other would be better apart it may be better off. I dont think that you should have to sacrafice your happiness just for your child. Dont get me wrong my childs happiness is very important but its hard to keep your child happy if you yourself cant be happy. But dont give up at the first sign of trouble, try different things to bring the spark back and if it doesnt work then maybe it is time to let go.

Parnice - posted on 06/04/2009

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It depends on the problem. Are you and your spouse having issues with money, did either or both of you have an affair, is there violence in the home, or do one or both of you just want out just because. If the problem is violence, GET OUT!!!!! Staying will not only continue to harm you but it will also harm your kids. And that will stay with your kids FOREVER. When you are happy your kids know it and when your not your kids know. My mother stayed with my dad for us until he nearly killed her in front of us. He never laid a hand on my sisters and I, but he would beat my mom like she was a man. My older sister and I can not remember half of our childhood because we trained ourselves to forget the bad and along with the bad we forgot the good. So, if that's your problem you will be doing your children and yourself a great favor by leaving NOW.



Now, if its an issue of an affair, that's different. If he's the one that had the affair you must ask yourself can your truly forgive and TRUST him again. A lot of people say I forgive you, but they never trust that person again. Therefore the relationship will not last because if he goes to take the trash out you are going to be thinking is he calling another woman while he does that. And that is no way to live. You should be able to trust your spouse at all times and if not your life will be nothing but stress. And when you stress your kids know it. Wouldn't you like for your kids to know that their mom is happy?



If it's an issue with money, remember you said for richer or poor.



If either of you want out just because you are no longer happy then you need to talk and figure out what the two of you can do to make your relationship better. I've been married for 9 yrs this September and marriage is truly a JOB. Just like you got to work everyday on your job you have to work at your marriage everyday. We sometimes get to comfortable with each other and begin to stop cherishing our spouse like we did when we dated or when we was 1st married. You need to spice it up in a way that both of you will be comfortable and happy.



We live in a world of instant gratification. No one wants to wait on nothing and take time to do anything. Marriage does not fit into a instant gratification world. Marriage takes time and effort from both people. So you just need to ask EACH OTHER what's the problem and can it be solved. The kids are only there for a little while. You will be with your spouse TILL DEATH. So don't ever think should I stay for the kids you need to think should we stay together for us. Your kids will leave the house, meet someone of their own and you will be an occasional call or visit. Yes, your kids do matter but they are not the deciding factor to weather your marriage works.

Julianne - posted on 06/04/2009

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It depends on the situation at hand with the parents. Speaking from experience and seeing the outcome from my own situation, I would suggest if there is abuse yes divide. Otherwise I would suggest marriage counselling, first. My ex and I split up and my son has suffered termendiously. Of course because of the circumstances surround our separation there was a lot of anger and bitterness, and me suffering severly from depression which caused a lot of heartache for my son. My son is a mess from his fathers leaving and has a lot of anger as a result. My son is an underachiever, an emotional rollercoaster and doesn't care about much of anything. He has commented on many occasions his dad's leaving hurt him big time and there is nothing anyone can do that can hurt him any worse than he already is. I hope this insight into my situation will help with your decision.

Tonda - posted on 06/04/2009

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I think it all depends on the situation. If its always a battlefield in front of your child(ren) then how is that helping them? Your teaching them thats its ok for them to be in that situation as they mature. Remember its not about you.. Its about what kinda role model you want to be......

Margie - posted on 06/04/2009

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If addiction, infidelity or criminal behavior are not part of the problem, then you can find common ground again, it just takes a lot of work, failed marriages do psychological harm to children, and your life and theirs becomes a mixed up mess while everyone is dating again and how many dates do you go through till you find "the one" again? You still will have challenges with someone new, it's just easier and better to stay with your partner and learn what level either of you is on and the best way to communicate for that level. Lack of communication is one of the biggest reasons marriages fail. Everyone grows and changes, so your original way of communicating may not be what works right now so you may have to find a new way. Sometimes you can be out of love for a number of years and are very surprised to find out that the love is back, when you both were thinking never .

LaCi - posted on 06/04/2009

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I say no. Your happiness directly impacts the happiness of your children. it takes children a while to adjust to the split, but they do adjust. the only real problems with a split are immature parents who can't put on a friendly face and get along for the sake of their children after the split. When parents try to out do each other, when they insult each other, when they fight each other, its not the split that is the problem. its the parents. You can't deprive yourself of a passionate relationship just to put on a facade for a child. They'll figure it out eventually, they'll know its all a lie. But its important to maintain peace and respect for the childs sake.

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