Should we have a baby "together" in our blended family?

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 204 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are trying to decide if we should have one more child so we can have one together. He has an 18 year old daughter and 11 year old son from a previous marriage and I have a 3 year old daughter from my previous marriage. We have full custody of all kids. The children all have different opinions. Oldest doesn't care, middle says no, youngest says yes...I am turning 35 next year, so it is time to fish or cut bait! :)

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Lisa - posted on 05/28/2010

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Hi, my husband and I have a wonderfully blended family - 2 years (ours), 6 years (his), 7 years (mine), and 8 years (his). We got pregnant fairly early on in the relationship and were not yet married. I had always wanted a second child and he said he was always open to a third. It has been amazing - we have full custody of my son and our daughter; after 3 years of joint/shared custody, his girls want to be with us full-time and we would love that. We are trying to work this out right now but their mom has been quite difficult. She is the epitome of an ex who has taken her life's frustrations for her own poor decisions (cheating) and continues to act in unpredictable/retaliatory ways. I would advise you to go for it - it brings everyone closer. I am 40 and my husband is 45 and we are very happy!

Candy - posted on 05/27/2010

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I grew up in a family where dad had four kids and mom had three kids then they had me. Their youngest was 9 when I was born. I was never really connected to the older kids nor am I to this day. When I met my husband he had five and I had two. We wanted to have children together but I insisted that we not have just one because of the disconnected feeling I had with my family. We now have two little boys 6 and 4. It has been an experience that I would not give up for love or money. It is amazing watching my two little boys grow up, not only am I older but it is different when there is not problems in the marriage. I am not saying there are not challenges with the older kids but nothing that we cannot deal with (usually jealousy). But over all I would say go for it, I have loved my experience,

[deleted account]

It seems that I am in the minority here, but I do not believe that you should add additional children to an already blended family. The divorces and new marriages that your children have had in the past have caused upheavel in your children's lives. It seems as though you are all doing well now, and I don't see any reason to add any additional stress on your family's lives. Blending families is difficult enough already. I would try my hardest to keep as much peace and serenity in the house as possible. A new baby most likely would not help the situation. It would be more likely that it would cause resentment from the other children.

Lisa - posted on 05/27/2010

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I would say go for it.I have been a single mom up till this year my husband has 2 kids and I have 3 we are planning on having another one. I am 39, do not let age be a factor and enjoy being pregnant.

Pamela - posted on 05/27/2010

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I was in the same situation as you are and I decided not to have another child. Now 17 years later my husband and I regret that we did not have a child together. My advice is do what your heart is telling you to do, and if that is to have a new little one to love than go for it!!!

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[deleted account]

It is a difficult situation. I think I would have the baby if I was in your situation. Children do cope with things that are thrown at them and somehow a baby seems to 'make everything alright in the end'. The child that doesn't want the baby the most (middle) could be 'assigned' really important jobs such as being the very first one to see the fetus in the first ultrasound, or deciding what colour curtains or pram to choose for the baby. I think of this all time. Although it's a bit more out of reach for me. My children are 12 and 15 and both dont want me to have a baby, my mans children are adult daughters (who wouldnt mind) and 14 year old son, who wouldnt mind either BUT my 12 year old daughter said she would be DEVASTATED if I had a baby with another man who is not Daddy. she too loves my current man but no babies, besides I am 42 and looking forward to lots of travel now that mine are older. I just have to ignore my cluckiness that pops up once a month. My man and I dont live together either, but your situation sounds like the perfect 'nest' to bring a baby along. Sorry my answer is long I hope its of some use. From Jennifer x

Christina - posted on 05/27/2010

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Michelle, just go for it if it feels right to you both. I am 34 and I have been married for 15 years. I had a daughter, my husband had two children and we decided together to have an "ours" and I am glad that we did as now my husband has passed away so our little girl is very special to me. Not saying the others are not, but they range in ages from 25,21,16 and our youngest 9. All our children got the same love and attention but there is something special about having that connection with your husband. Our daughter has been a blessing to me and has many traits of her dads, which keeps me going.. At the end of the day it is up to you both.. Good Luck :)

Sandra - posted on 05/27/2010

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I had my first at 34, then had to wait almost 6 years for the next at age 40. At first I worried about the age gap but I think that it made us enjoy each child more because they were not lumped together. They get along great (more or less with typical sibling irritatation) and better than my friends who have kids close in age. I'd say if you are financially able and mentally prepared for diapers again then go for it. If I had started earlier I'd have more. Each child has been a blessing to treasure everyday (and as I say that I hear a glass breaking in the kitchen - so I smile because life is never perfect). Enjoy your life as a family as it is best for you.

Stacey - posted on 05/27/2010

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Totally a decision you guys need to make together! Perhaps you could both individually write down your reasons why you should have the child. (you could even include the kids in this) and then read through all the reasons together. If they are good reasons to have another child then do it, if not, then at least you have your answer.

Bronwen - posted on 05/27/2010

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I would listen to your youngest ... afterall - this child will be a sibling for them to grow up with. It's okay for the middle to say no - they have their older sister! Your child however, doesn't have a sibling. The 11 year old will get used to the idea. I say go for it.

Hedy - posted on 05/27/2010

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Well, we are unexpectedly expecting and I am almost 44! Our almost 16 year old and 12.5 year old are excited, as are we. Bit shocked at first, but thrilled not long after.

Jewel - posted on 05/27/2010

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Hi, I havent read others' replies so hopefully I'm not just saying the "same ole, same ole". Anyway, I was in your situation. I had two from a previous marriage, my husband had two from a previous marriage. when we got married there was just something missing. When we had Isaiah, he was the bridge that we needed to fully connect our family in a way marriage just couldn't. Now all children are connected by blood. Now my kids were younger than yours......oldest two were 10 and 11 and the younger two were 9 and 8 so maybe age make a difference. We still have some issues as do all blended families (we have custody of all too) but Isaiah really helped us to blend. So powerful for a little 18 month old, huh? Good Luck to you.

Jewel

Dawn - posted on 05/27/2010

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We did it and it's great! His kids are 20, 13 & 13, mine are 17 & 15 and our Son we had together is a year and a half. We are having so much fun and all the kids make him the star of the family they just love him so much! I would do it again in a second, but alas I will be 40 in 2 weeks and since he is number 6 we have decided that this is it. Good luck! :)

Tammy - posted on 05/27/2010

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I am wondering if you would be having another baby for right reasons. I am sure there is more behind the simple explanation, however if you believe that a new baby would be loved, cared for and wanted for the right reasons then it will happen naturally. Asking the other children is considerate but not necessary, you should think about how this effects you and your spouse. I hope this helps.

Amanda - posted on 05/27/2010

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i think regardless of the situation your 11 year old would say no. He is at an age where little siblings are a pain lol.Your youngest would welcome a sibling with little age range between them. I say leave it to fate. Start trying and if it happens it happens

[deleted account]

There is no reason why you shouldn't unless there is Health issues to worry about.The Middle child already has middle child syndrome but the younger one will then become a middle child too. But it is down to you and your partners decision you are the adults and in a good parenting environment the children will accept your decision as part off this new life it is better to do it now then make that decision down the track and they will even less understand your motivation to what you want to do.
Wish you all the Best kind regards
Fiona

Marie-morris - posted on 05/27/2010

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i think its time you enjoyed the children you have having another child will only take time away from the children you have but also from you and your husband make time for your selfs children grow up and move a way then your left alone but have nothing in common any more because you spent more time with your children then thinking of you as a couple you have four between you you dont need another to seal your love for each other just the time to spend togeather as a couple and enjoy each other as well as being mum and dad

Noor - posted on 05/27/2010

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As an African woman, i would go with what my Husband wants, especially, basing on the fact that i have only one kid. , am sure having a child together will bring your Kid and his kids closer .

If your husband, his first born and yo kid are ready, what are you waiting for? , that other child will adjust with time.



Please follow yo heart cos opportunities come once in a life time, Remember yo not growing any younger, so you better make up yo mind be fore it is too late. Good Luck



Noor

Pixi - posted on 05/27/2010

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i say have a baby! If i had an inkling that i might like another one i always went for it because i didn't want to regret it later :)
I have four boys and am positive that that is enough for me, no regrets!!

Tessa - posted on 05/27/2010

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Have a baby because it is what you both want, Child are gifts and are very precious, new life always brings new hope. Your 3 years old will appreciate the baby, the age gap is not going to be that big. There is a 3yr 9 month gap between my 2 youngest. The older two will be gone within the next ten years if not sooner. Good luck.

Corlia - posted on 05/26/2010

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I am the eldest child from my mothers first marriage. The children my mom & her second husband had are now 18 and 15 years old. A lot of things was a clear NO to me because they had to keep money for the little ones to still study and all that stuff. now the little ones get what they need where i had to get a job to buy much needed items as all the money had to be kept for the others for one day. I am upset about it. of course.

Just think about the financial part of a new baby and how it will affect the other kids.

Having said that I think it will be great for you to have another one to be a "partner" for the 3 year old as a child who is much younger than the rest tends to become a spoilt brat, not because you intend to do it but just the way the cookie crumbles as that child is always the baby. If there are 2 little ones there can't be a spoilt brat.

It is 2 different statements but just food for thought from my experience. I have a 14 month old now and we are trying for a second one as I really don't want a only child. they just get spoiled automatically.

O yes, 1 last thing - how old is your husband. my mom was 42 when she had my brother and she is coping very well with her age and raising a teenager. My dad is almost 70 and like a grandpa with lots of health problems. Your age is still perfect for a new baby but how old is your husband?

Krissy - posted on 05/26/2010

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i say go do it the older one is 'whatever' cause she wouldnt care eather way due to the fact that shes out and working/uni your middle one is suffereing middle child syndrome and they tend to think they a mostly hard done by even if they never say so. and of course your 3 yr old wants another sibling as most little kiddies say yes but sometimes dont really relise what they are truly agreeing to. i think that oyu have 2 yeses and one no . if you two want to go ahead it'll be 5 yeses. yes my thought as well id do it. just let the middle one he'll still be loved the same but it's what you guys want :)

Lilian - posted on 05/26/2010

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My dear, this is tricky. Its only by the Grace of God. is it that you feel no complete attachment with your hubby without a baby with him? Well its have one....

Spring - posted on 05/26/2010

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You should only have as many kids as you can afford to help put through college

Debra - posted on 05/26/2010

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It depends mostly on you guys because kids will always have a difference of opinion. If you guys feel that you can handle the special addition then go for it. Remember that kids tend to dislike when mom meets a man that already have kids and they plan to marry, but after an adjustment period everyone tend to get along. Stay prayed up just to be on the safe side.

Nicole - posted on 05/26/2010

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I say absolutely!!! You are young enough, and that connection you get with your spouse when sharing a child together cannot be replaced! Throw caution to the wind and try and see what happens!!

[deleted account]

My ex-husband and I have a pre-teen boy and a teenage girl. My ex-husband and his partner have two young children - a 3 year old and a 5 month old. It is very difficult for my ex to give time to the older kids and they acknowledge that but not always in a positive way. My kids welcomed the 'notion' of adding to the family but the reality of it was different for them. It is a constant battle to make them feel like they're still important when little people are SO demanding of time and attention. Personally, I would take the kids' positivity with a grain of salt and make the decision on what you and your partner believe is best for the family as a whole. Good luck! :)

Cindy - posted on 05/26/2010

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Wow this is definitely an individual decision. You already know what it is like to start over since you have a three year old child. I personally think 4 is the perfect number of children to have but you will have to do all of the work to train the child. If it is your hearts desire and you were my friend I would say go for it!

Rachel - posted on 05/26/2010

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i think that if almost all the kids are for in and u guys are for it to at list have one to gather then go for it

Eden - posted on 05/26/2010

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IMO 35 is not now or cut bait time--that is 42. I had my 1st at 35 and 2nd at 38, both very easy pregnancies resulting in happy and healthy babies. 30 years ago 35 was the end of the road, but times have changed. IMO 3 yrs gap is a great gap for kids. IMO, it should be if you want another child. you can afford to wait at least 5 years so there is no rush really.

[deleted account]

Having a teenager myself and hearing my friend's stories of getting remarried and having a child of their own was harder on the older kids. I know for ourselves our kids are 12 years apart we had our first one right away and then didn't have another one for 12 yrs. we were very young. If I had it to do all over again I would've had them closer together. They aren't really growing up together and don't get along very well. Good luck

Athena - posted on 05/26/2010

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It sounds like you are doing a great job, and I think if its what you want than go for it. I have a blended family my husband has an 8 year old and a 4 year old from a pervious marriage and i have a 13 year old and a 2 year old from my pervious marriage we also have full custody of all four kids. We decided that when my youngest starts school we were going to try to have another baby. Good luck to you!

Gill - posted on 05/26/2010

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definitely not there is more to life than having children get a life, your other kids are growing up, then there will be the two of you to do something together.
NO MORE BABIES
Babies are nice but they grow up and cause alot of heartache
Gill

Pamela - posted on 05/26/2010

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As long as you are healthy and you and your husband are both in agreement I say go for it. Children are a blessing.

Dana - posted on 05/26/2010

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Regardless of your age.. If you and your husband truly mutually want another child, you have a three year old daughter who would could bond and love a close sibling. I think absolutely go for it since you have a young one already! How special!

Shannon - posted on 05/26/2010

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I honestly think only you can answer that question. If you want another one and don't have one, you may regret it later. If you do have one, you are making an educated decision just by "prethinking" it. Your middle one is currently at the age where "no" is a normal and understandable thought that may change over time as he gets use to the idea of the new addition. However he may get a wee more mouthy before he gets more accepting. Seems to be the way of the tween/teen age groups. Children are a blessing. I say follow whatever it is your heart is truly telling you.

Becky - posted on 05/26/2010

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I have never posted or looked at anything on this website, but this question caught my eye. I am getting married again and I am bringing 2 little girls (6 & 2.5 yrs. old) into the marriage. He has none. We have discussed having a child between the two of us and we are at the "If it's God's will" then yes. My 6year old is totally rooting for a boy (even though I'm not pregnant and won't be for a few years). I think if it's somehting you want, go for it, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. I also think that with the middle child, be sure to bring them into the picture when you are pregnant and the baby is born, keep the communication lines open and be respectful of his thoughts and feelings (which I'm sure you already are). My ex's baby sister came home on his 13th b-day... not a present he wanted. He didnt' have that privacy he was wanting. Maybe even have "date" night for him and either you or dad. Good luck!!!

Pam - posted on 05/26/2010

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I say go for it! I had my tubes tied after 3 kids and am now divorced. I am in a relationship with a man who does not have any kids and we are going to have my tubal reversed so we can have more children to blend our family! Children are a blessing! Oh and I will be 39 on June 7th!

Katie - posted on 05/26/2010

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I think that as long as you both are happy and stable there is no reason why you shouldn't have a baby together, and you are right you are not getting any younger and if it is something you both want, go for it! Take care of yourself and good luck!

Amanda - posted on 05/26/2010

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it depends on your situation. With my situation I would want a child with my man but he got snipped. so He said In the future if I still really want one, he froze some sperm just in case. My friend from Canada maried a guy in the US military they both have 2 kids each from previous relationships. They now have one child together. It was tough at first for my friends daughter cause she thought her step father would love the new child & forget about her cause she is not his really daughter. so One day he spend the whole day with his 10 year old step daughter & talked to her. She is alot better. She lost one father & fell in love with this guy so she thought she would lose him too. She now knows he will always love her like she is his very own. Good luck with the decision. Communicate about this to your kids. value there own opinion but all in all it is the parents choice.

Sherry - posted on 05/26/2010

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When our blended family added a bundle of joy my husband's daughters were 17 and 5 and my sons were 14 and 6. Personally - I think it should be a choice between your husband and you. My kids (step and biological) rarely agree about anything so I wouldn't be surprised if they wouldn't agree on a baby. However...our four were so excited and delighted on our baby and even now, almost 3 years later they continue to fight over who gets to spend more time with her. I like to think of her as the glue, the final puzzle piece to our family. She completed us, she brought the best of my husband and the best of me and gave all the kids something to bond over.

Marlene - posted on 05/26/2010

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No I don't think it is a good idea if you have one child not wanting another child in the family. The 18 yr. old doesn't care because she will soon be out on her own. Day care or taking your little one to a park with other children near the same age should keep her happy.

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2010

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I can honestly tell you that I could not imagine the utter and complete joy my husband and our blended family would have missed had we not had our son. We knew each oter 2 days and we got engaged. We got married 1 mo, later and had a little boy 10 mo after that.
It wasn't always easy. Yes there was sibling jealousy, but you have that in all sibling relationships.
We come into our relationship with 5 children ranging from 11 down to six. The baby is 13 now and now we are in the grandparent mode. I have to be honest though, Making Christ the center of our relationship has been the key.

Tish - posted on 05/26/2010

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Hi Michelle,

I actually did exactly that on 4/24/2009. I had a 16-yr old daughter and an 11-yr old son from a previous marriage. My boyfriend had an 11-yr old daughter. We have raised them together for the past 8 years when I became pregnant with "our" first child in 2008. We were scared and the kids had very mixed emotions. They thought it was gross and weird all at the same time. I had a great pregnancy and everyone has been SO supportive through it all. We have a beautiful daughter and I let the kids name her, Adrianna. She makes our family complete and I wouldn't change it for the world. BTW I was 34 when I delivered. So go for it girl! Life goes by way too quick so do what you feel is best for you and your family. Good luck!

Catherine - posted on 05/26/2010

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I have 2 stepsons and wanted to have a child for many years. My daughter was born in 2006. There is a big age difference but we are so blessed to have her.

Marcia - posted on 05/26/2010

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Almost the exact situation - and it was the best thing we ever did as a family :-)

Amber - posted on 05/26/2010

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There is always going to be some sibling rivalry issues, no matter what age the children are. I have 2 older half sisters ( have the same dad as me) one younger full sister ( same mom and dad) and one younger half brother (same mom). I love al my siblings even if I didn't neccessarily get along with them growing up.
Maybe talk to the middle child about why she doesn't want you to have a child together. Maybe her "no" has some well founded reasoning. In the very least make sure she feels like her opinion of the situation matters. In the end it's really up to you and your husband.

[deleted account]

My husband and I had a baby 2 years ago. He had two daughters (aged 10 and 7) from a previous marriage that we have custody of. Girls might be different, but they absolutely adore their baby sister. And the baby loves them just as much. It has worked really well for us and really "completed" the family.

Chrissy - posted on 05/26/2010

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I would say yes. I know I have an 11 year old and I always felt sad that I'm single and he's getting so much older. You are still at a good age and this can be something your husband and you can have together. I can see once the baby is born your whole family will share in the experience together. You don't want to feel that you missed out.

Rocio - posted on 05/26/2010

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I am also 34 and in the same position. He has two boy and I have two girls. We both share custody of the children. He eldest just turned 15 and his youngest is 8. My oldest is turning 5 and the youngest is 3. He wants to have another child with me, but I am not so sure if I want to start all over again.

Diana - posted on 05/26/2010

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We have a blended family. When we met our children were 5 & 6 (his) and 4 & 7 (mine). We did not have custody of all four kids...only my two daughters. I think that if we had had custody of all of them, another child would have cemented our family. But, our decision not to have another child was based on his two children living with their mom, and not wanting to make them feel anymore replaced then they already felt. I think this child you are comtemplating (because you are all living together) would be everyone's brother or sister, and really cement your family as everyone would feel an attachment.

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