Should we have a baby "together" in our blended family?

Michelle - posted on 05/20/2010 ( 204 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are trying to decide if we should have one more child so we can have one together. He has an 18 year old daughter and 11 year old son from a previous marriage and I have a 3 year old daughter from my previous marriage. We have full custody of all kids. The children all have different opinions. Oldest doesn't care, middle says no, youngest says yes...I am turning 35 next year, so it is time to fish or cut bait! :)

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Manda - posted on 05/26/2010

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If you guys truely want another child then go for it. But not if it's just so you can have one together. b/c you guys are already raising kids together biologicaly or not.

Nicole - posted on 05/26/2010

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Without taking the time to read the other posts, YES. Children are a blessing and heritage from the Lord, and the only thing you have to regret is not having another baby. Two of my best friends had pleasant surprises at age 43.... fourth child in one family .... and seventh child in the other. :7) This is definitely not a decision to be made by your current children.

Debra - posted on 05/26/2010

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When my husband & I married I had a 4 year old and 6 year old from a previous marriage, and we did have one together, it worked out well for us all. But if you have to ask I wonder if it is really a good option for you. =o] Deb

Theresa - posted on 05/26/2010

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I know of a family that is in your situation and together the parents went on to have three of their own, and the older kids(the his and hers) love their younger siblings...of course the choice is ultimately yours and your husbands as to whether you expand the family or not!

[deleted account]

i have a son (though my husband has been the only father he's every-or will ever-know, they aren't biologically related) and my husband has a daughter. i never wanted more than one child and i can't stand my husband's daughter (he even has a hard time with her and actually punched a hole in our wall last time she was here cause she made him so mad)
anyway, he kept going on and on about us having a child together. i wasn't really for it but i decided to give it a try. and i'm so glad i did! i am head over heels in love with my 5 month old daughter!. but it is a very personal choice. you have to go on how you feel. its not a decision to be made by your children. only by you and your husband.

Paula - posted on 05/26/2010

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I'm not in the situation, but I can say this. A friend from my church had a daughter, her husband had two daughters, and they had one together. I love seeing them lok after her and it seems to me like it was a real bonding thing for them. It is so neet to see them together

Julie - posted on 05/26/2010

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I say go for it if you and your husband are in agreeance in having another child. If the baby turns out to be a boy, your 11 year old will be happy. I bought a 16 year old daughter into my marriage. My husband had no children. We decided to try for another and were blessed with another daughter. We were both in our 40's. I wish you all the best.

Megan - posted on 05/26/2010

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if you and your husband want a baby together, then go for it, if you dont and then miss your chance you will regret it forever. im sure all the children will love it once its here, but its not compleatly up to the children its up to you and your husband. i really belive you should try if you want another one.
good luck x

TERESA - posted on 05/26/2010

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I had a blended family. And we decided to have one. I dont regret it at all except that i didnt have the energy for him like i did with my girls. So go for it if that is what you both want.

Nicole - posted on 05/26/2010

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I say it's your last chance to have your own so go for it if you feel your ready for another child.

Pitout - posted on 05/25/2010

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Hi Michelle. This is a huge decision for you and your husband to make. My husband and I were in a similar position to you and your husband. I have a 17 year old son and my husband has a 17 and a 14 year old boys. We had decided when we got married 7 years ago that we would not have another child but to my surprise I fell pregnant and had a little girl last year (she turns 1 in two weeks time). It was a huge adjustment but what a wonderful experience we could go through together (our boys were a bit shocked at the news but then soon all were excited and they just love her to bits). She is the light of our lives and we are even closer as a family now. I was 38 when I had Amie and feel that I have a lot more patience with her. I was a single mother when I had my son at 20 so I think that is why I was a bit scared of falling pregnant again. Good luck with your decision.

Wanda - posted on 05/25/2010

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You know, I haven't read the replies from other people yet, but I wanted to share my situation, bc it's VERY similar to yours.

My husband had a 13 yr old girl and 10 yr old boy when we met in Feb 2007, and my daugther was 4. We got married a year later, and got pregnant on the honeymoon. My husband had told me that he had always wanted another child, but his ex didn't, and bc of the ages of his kids he had sort of made peace with just his 2. I always wanted 3 of my own, and I had told him that, so we knew we were having a baby when we married. During my pregnancy, he started feeling physically bad, so even though I talked about a third child (second with him) he didn't want any more after that one.
Keep in mind he is 12 yrs older than me, so it's I guess understandable to a point. But my "defense" was that it was something we had agreed upon BEFORE getting married, bc it was a VERY big deal to me. So I let it go for the time being, but never agreed to no more.
Now, the kids are 17 (girl), 13(boy), 8(girl) and 20 months (boy). Last yr we talked about another baby (I was 32, DH was 44), and both HIS kids didn't want another sibling, but my daughter did. A sister. (Baby doesn't know what's up). However, after many MANY discussions, my husband understood how important it was for me and so he agreed. I am now 6 months pregnant with a girl! YAY!!

What I wanted to let you know is that in MY case...his son has been the one I've found to have had a harder time adjusting. He loves his baby brother, and he was excited to know about the baby to come, but he still gets jealous to have to share his dad. He was the baby for 10 yrs, and then my daughter came along, and he still seems to not like that sometimes.

I guess, it all depends on what YOU want. I know, for me, it was something I couldn't live without, and my clock was ticking as well. And I'm 33. We were going to wait to get pregnant this Aug, but with how my 45 yr old hubby's feeling, he said basically "now or never". He's always talking about how he's been raising kids for 17 yrs, and with times being how they are, it was just getting to be too much in his head to add yet another baby. But, as I said, I knew for ME, it was VERY important and something we had talked about since day 1.
As far as what your kids think -bc that was another thing my husband used to use as an "excuse"- I think that they really shouldn't have the last word. When they are grown and move out and have their own families, you're the one who will be either regretting not having another child or not. It will be YOU who will raise the new baby, and take care of him/her, not your kids/stepkids. It's really YOUR choice I think....

But that's just how I feel....I guess, try and imagine your life with a baby, and without it, a few yrs from now. No matter what, your stepson will love his sibling, even if he doesn't think so now. Good luck!

Marion - posted on 05/25/2010

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Do not be crazy who says this relationship is different from both your previous it may not last either get at kitten

Alicia - posted on 05/25/2010

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I am from a "yours, mine & ours" family. All I have to say is be careful, I'm not saying this will happen to you but in my case my father & step mother ended up getting divorced 12 years later, I love my younger brothers (who are now 19 & 21) but realistically it is hard because I feel like I'm 8 years old still because their mom wants more from me than I am comfortable giving her, but if I want a relationship with my brothers I have to accept that she comes with it...... Good luck!

June - posted on 05/25/2010

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if you are asking them and not asking each other and making the decision on the love you share with one another..then maybe not. The kids can have an opinion, but that's all it should be. They will grow up, move out and have their own lives. This should ultimately be decided amongst you, your hubby and God.

Linda - posted on 05/25/2010

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When a husband and wife come together, they are one. They are a union. Children and parents can have opinions and counsel but the final decision is based on what the husband and wife decide, not the parents or children. When a child is born it changes everyone's lives and many who were opposed change their mind once the baby is born! I bore nine children and every single one is loved dearly by not only my husband and I but their siblings. My last child was born when my oldest was 18. The oldest was not too excited at all, but once his little brother came into the world, the 18 year old proudly took him places and played with him. I had 5 children from the age of 35 (38, 40, 42, 45) All my babies born after age 35 were healthier and larger than my first 4 babies. Plus the older siblings welcomed each one. Our family was close and still to this day the 9 kids enjoy being with each other, playing soccer, basketball and football.,

[deleted account]

My husband has 3 children. They live with their mom full time so we dont get to see them very often. (her choice not ours). We have been married for 2 years now and been trying to get pregnant since before we were married. I know that the older kids would LOVE to have another siblling. We are going to keep trying for our own!

Tanya - posted on 05/25/2010

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My opinion is that if you and your husband really want a baby i say go for it! A baby is a wonderful thing and you shouldn't have a baby just to have it by your husband. Really think about it, if you both enjoyed having babies and feel like its time to have another one go for it. Good luck!

Carise - posted on 05/25/2010

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My fiance and I met almost 8 years ago and my daughter was 6 at the time...his girls were 12, 13 and 14. 2 years into our relationship we had a baby together....a boy. So we have 4 girls and 1 boy total. His girls were so happy to have a little brother, then it started to go down hill. His daughters are now 19, 20 and 21 and they are jealous of their brother and all but one of his 3 girls hate him and want nothing to do with him now because they say he loves our son more yada yada yada. We hear things like Oh you got your boy now so you don't need us. Its been hell on earth. Of COURSE our son needs more attention, he's FIVE years old, they are adults! I can't believe for the life of me that it came out 2 months ago that the oldest and youngest of his girls don't want anything to do with him because he and I had a little boy together and he gets more attention now than they do especially considering those 2 girls have kids of their own. Its gotten so bad we don't even talk to his youngest or oldest daughters anymore. I would NOT go back and not have my son if I had the choice though and neither would my fiance. I figured my daughter would have had the hardest time considering she was the only child for almost 8 years. He's raised each kid the same and thinks of my daughter as his own. We've never once treated any of the kids as mine or yours..its always been OUR kids period. Maybe if they would have not gone to live with their mom for a couple years none of this would have happened....who knows :( they were great kids before she filled their minds full of crap. I'd say just weigh out the pros and cons. They SHOULD be ok with whatever you decide to do because either way that will be their brother or sister....hopefully you don't have the craziness that we've had. I wish you luck :)

Christine - posted on 05/25/2010

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I think the decision is yours and your husbands together, certainly a 3 year old will most often say yes because they can't understand the consequences. I think it's lovely that you have such a close family, having custody of all children and the eldest at 18 still with you both. Truly, I believe if you decide on another child, it'll be welcomed by everyone and definately do it closer to the 30's than the 40's - it's all a lot harder closer to then!! Good luck and whatever decision you make, be happy!

[deleted account]

It seems that I am in the minority here, but I do not believe that you should add additional children to an already blended family. The divorces and new marriages that your children have had in the past have caused upheavel in your children's lives. It seems as though you are all doing well now, and I don't see any reason to add any additional stress on your family's lives. Blending families is difficult enough already. I would try my hardest to keep as much peace and serenity in the house as possible. A new baby most likely would not help the situation. It would be more likely that it would cause resentment from the other children.

Millie - posted on 05/25/2010

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FISH!!!! I also have a "blended" family and I wish I would of been younger so we could of had a baby together....think it is great, provided the kids get along!

Jodie - posted on 05/25/2010

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My Husband has 2 sons from his previous marriage, and we also have full custody of them. We also have 2 daughters together, they are now 1 and 2 years old (The boys are 10 and 15). The kids all love having one another around. The boys adore their little sisters and are grateful for them. In my opinion, it keeps them sane, and the girls have really brought us all together as more than a blended family. It's not "your kids and my kids" it's "our kids" and "our family"
But in the end, it's not up to the kids whether you and hubby have a child together. Since you're trying to decide you obviously would like a child together? If you decide not to there may always be a slight regret that you didn't.

Lori - posted on 05/25/2010

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I think that is a question that noone else can answer but you and your husband. Pregnancy complications increase with age, so if it were me, I would probably opt not to, and be happy with three healthy children. However, I can certainly understand the need to have one together, but you have to decide how important it is for both of you. Whatever it is you decide though, that is a personal choice between the two of you, and I say, as long as you are both an agreement, than either choice can be right.

Amy - posted on 05/25/2010

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my husbands children live with us- they were 12 and 13 when we had our child. I was 41. You have time. I wouldn't put too much into what your childern say- they can't imagine what a child will bring (but now that you asked them you are in a bad spot becusae if you do have one, you are ignoring their wishes) but i will say taht our child has bonded us as a family. He has given all of us something in common that we have all participated in together from the start.

Sonya - posted on 05/25/2010

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I believe it is about you and your partner and even though the kids input is important it shouldnt really influence what decicion gets made, life is about happiness and joy and if another will bring you joy and strenghten what you already have than go for it. I say have fun fishing lol.

Joanna - posted on 05/25/2010

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Well, I had my first child at age 34 and my second right before my 37th birthday. I am 39 and I doubt I am done. I know I am done for now, but I don't know what the future holds. So 35 is very young IMO. I say if you want another to go for it. Your middle child will come around.

[deleted account]

Wow that is a difficult situation and I think it's wonderful that your considering the opinions of all your children, but whats really important is how you and your hubby feel about having a baby together, we all know the work that comes with new baby but also what a blessing they are to our lives as well. Ultimatly I say if your both really wanting to take that leap together than go for it, even though your a blended family fact is your a family. I'm 36 and #4 is due in November, at first we were nervous of how our kids would react but now, they are all so excited for the baby. Good luck in your decision.

Kathy - posted on 05/25/2010

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God has a way of always working things out. Too much selfishness today, You can always make room for another child. The secret to happiness? give to others!

Kim - posted on 05/25/2010

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I am on my second marriage with a daughter from my first marriage. My husband didn't have any kids. We decided to have more children, but we included my daughter in almost every step. We had family sonograms at a private clinic, read what to expect for the next week out of one of those pregnancy books during dinner each Monday night (she loved this), chose names together, let her help register for the shower, and let her help decorate the baby's room. Including her really let her feel that she wasn't being replaced and got her really excited! Now she has two little brothers, and to her, there is nothing half about them!

Heather - posted on 05/25/2010

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I think that with the middle child its just another change to his family? But will more than likely be excited once the baby was here. If you and your husband believe it will make your family even better than it already is, I would say go for it.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/25/2010

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First of all, it's not up to your kids at all. You are the PARENTS. That means you make the decisions about what comes of your intimacy. And 35 is not some magical cut-off time that means it's suddenly a problem. I know a lot of women starting later to have kids. They're finding it harder to get pregnant, but no more problems with pregnancy than anyone else I know. If you have it in your heart to welcome another child then I think that's a beautiful lesson to teach your current children about life and love and the blessing of a child. Every time a child is born it changes the dynamics of a family, but everyone adjusts in their own way. And I've never EVER heard a parent say"Gee, I wish I'd never given birth to that one!" It's not something you'll regret, but another chance for growth as a family.

Nekesha - posted on 05/25/2010

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It would be nice for the youngest to have a sibling to play with since the others are too much older, so definitely yes.

Cynthia - posted on 05/25/2010

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Ask yourself each of you if you really want to start all over again? if you were by yourself would you have said my family is complete? Does your love for each other NEED to be expressed in a child of shared genetics, or is it more satisfactoriy expressed in loving each others children in a supportive and guiding fashion?

While a child at this stage of your lifes can be beneficial in many ways and many first time mums and dads don't even start their families until their thirties, the case is not so with yourselves.

Depending on you and your spouses answer to these question will determine whether to try for another child, This is YOU and your SPOUSES decision NOT your childrens, decision and while they may express joy and dismay in equal proportion, his children will have gone from home to be overly affected by another child all children adapt as maybe to new siblings. Good luck

Sheri - posted on 05/25/2010

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Forget the family dynamics here. Do you really think you will have the physical energy to "parent" until you are 53? Will your spouse? Are you willing to put aging parent care responsibilities on a young adult? If you feel that you can answer these questions in addition building your family, then go for it. I just know too many young adults with older parents who cannot enjoy their grandkids because they they act and live old.

Leah - posted on 05/25/2010

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My husband and I were 39 when we made the decision to have another child. We had 4 children from our previous relationships aged 20, 17, 12 and 12 at the time. It was a positive decision for us. It has not only created that special bond for us but for the children also. It has been an awesome experience for all. My husband and I are now 45 and our youngest is 5 1/2 and very loved by all. Now we all share a special connection that has "bonded" all of us together. As a whole we have had and continue to have a very rewarding experience with all.

Kathy - posted on 05/25/2010

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I had 4 kids, youngest 16, and my husband had a son 11. At 42 I found my self pregnant, not something we planned! It is rough being pregnant at 42, and the first year so hard! But my son just graduated Valedictorian, has a niece and nephew a bit older than him, he is a blessing and a joy. God knew what I didnt! Hope you choose to have that child, it is so bonding for the whole family. God Bless You, Kathy

Betsy - posted on 05/25/2010

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I think it's a decision between you and your husband. I don't think you need to discuss that with your kids until after the fact! At the 35 you really should go for it if you really want it!

Elizabeth E - posted on 05/25/2010

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Think about the child that you are bringing in the world or wanting to. Your age differece lays a great part into partenting. God has blessed you both with children take that to heart but pray and seek him for the final decision. Will you be and your hunband be able to do all the things a child needs as it grows older. We must always consider your age compared to the childs when they grow older. Be Blessed Liz

Tanya - posted on 05/25/2010

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I think that you should do what you want to do. I have two kidds from a previous marriage he has none of his own but loves thee girls as his. We have decided thaat we will trry in about two years to have one together, the girls want to have a baby brother or sister.

[deleted account]

Have a child if the two of you both want a child. Don't have one JUST to "blend" the family. It's nice to have a child that is part of ALL the siblings (not a "step"), but that's not a reason to have a child. Either look it like all the kids belong to both of you or imagine that you have NO kids and decide from there.

[deleted account]

I should add that I have a half sister who is 16 year younger than me. My brothers were 9 and 11 when she was born and there is no doubt that she is our sister and we all love her!!!! The boys weren't that hot on the idea of a baby but as she grew and was able to do more things they really started to enjoy her!

[deleted account]

I think you need to ask yourself the question as if all the children were both of yours in the first place. Would you still want another child? For me the answer would be easy. I am done having kids. Not even one little part of me wants another, no matter who they were with!! It sounds like you both want another child but are unsure of how the kids will react. I think you just need think about how you will keep the kids feeling involved and as part of the family as a new baby comes. It can be hard even for children from the same parents to worry about how the fit in the family with a new baby. Good luck with your decision!!

Patricia - posted on 05/25/2010

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It's not just about having that last child. It's about the expenses you have with the three underage children that might take a hit. Are you prepared to be up both night and day, to pay expensive pediatric bills, to keep up with their wardrobe as the baby grows, to know that public education will cost even more when the baby's at schooling age. It seems callous to look at these things. Have another family gathering to discuss what the sacrifices will be. The oldest doesn't care because he will be out of the nest soon. It's likely the eleven-year old can see herself as a baby sitter. And of course the 3-year old sees a baby as someone to play with. Take the middle child's objections seriously because usually the middle child in a family is often invisible. From one who knows!

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