Should we have a baby "together" in our blended family?

Stacey - posted on 05/25/2010

I was conceived after my parents got together and each had fully grown children from previous marriages and then they had my sister after me. My dad had 3 sons and a daughter all living on their own and some had children of their own even! My mom had three daughters from previous marriages ranging from age 9 to 19 living with us! My mom wanted to have children with my dad so they had two more girls, me and my little sister who are three years apart. Most of my siblings were opposed to the idea but as my sis and I got older and grew relationships with our siblings, they all tell us what a blessing it was that we came along. I love being a part of a large family. My little sister passed away 2 years ago in April and the support we gave eachother made the trasition into a life without her much easier. We have so many stories and memories about her all from different points of view due to our ages as well. Oh, and my mom was 36 when she had me and my dad was 47. If you feel you want more kids, I say go for it! Your children will adjust and love the new addition, even if they don't show it at first!! :)

Brenda - posted on 05/25/2010

I am a volunteer with AFS Student Exchange Program. I find host families for foreign exchange students. You could host a student from another country. They live with you almost 11 months for a year, they become part of your family...and keep a part of it for the rest of your lives. He/she could be your "ours' and your kids could gain a lot from learning about what it is like to live in the country they are from.
www.afsusa.org is the site you can check out for more information!

Marie - posted on 05/25/2010

Hi Michelle, I felt compelled to write to you. I have an 18 yrold daughter and now i have 2 boys 5 and 10 and they really make life so fun. I am turning 40 this year and sometimes those heartstrings pull but i do believe that if you want another child then you should. We work together as a family and i strongly believe that the decision should be yours and your husbands not the other children because they don't understand it, My 18 yr old did find it a little rough but i couldn't imagine going thru her teen years and not having my little ones around. I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Cletus (kathleen) - posted on 05/25/2010

If you WANT to have a baby for having a babies sake do it. If you want something to tie you all together or blend the families, go on a nice vacation or something. Don't have a baby unless you really want a baby.

Brandirose - posted on 05/25/2010

I don't think children should dictate their parents behavior and choices. Love them, be considerate of their feelings...but ultimately it is your decision as the parent. If you really want a child and believe it will complete your family do it. The 11 will most likely jump on board eventually. Obviously there will be a lot of emotions that she will need to go through, but to put that kind of weight on her preferences my backfire later. Say you don't get pregnant and later on she feels guilty because as she ages she will understand better your position. She may regret her stance now. Your family can be just as happy with another child....it won't ruin her for life. I just don't think that it is a healthy level of responsibility for a child. The responsibility is on you and your husband to make that decision...not an 11 yr old kid.

Trish - posted on 05/25/2010

Hello Michelle,

My son was 16, my husbands sons were 11 and 8 and we had decided to have one more....we got identical twin boys!!!! It was the best thing that could have happened to us. Don't get me wrong, it was a challenge, we had no other help then our children, but it made us so much closer as a family. I was 37 and my husband was 38 when they were born. I say, if you are up for whatever God brings you, and you truly want it, go for it!!!

TASHA - posted on 05/25/2010

i think adding to your family would be a great idea. my husband and i did it. he has 26,24,23.. and i have 13,8,3.. we just had a baby last year and all the kids just adore him. at first my kids didn't want me to have anymore kids but they got used to the idea as i began to show! we're thinking about having one more..

Hannah - posted on 05/25/2010

I come from a family of TEN children. My mom had me, my sister and my brother, then she got remarried and he had 3 daughters, THEN they had FOUR boys together. My stepfather was always "jealous" of me and my sister and my brother, and then they showed favoritism towards the 4 they had together. NOW that we are all grown, it's different. But, just make sure you NEVER show favorites and explain to ALL your children that it will not change what they mean to you guys, and that you are going to treat this child as you do them. I say go for it!

Blu - posted on 05/25/2010

Its up to you... My dad had a son when I was 12.... He and my mom would joke "What were you thinking? After Shanea you wouldve been free". Not Im 22 and my bro will be 10 this yr.

Just food for thought

Khadejah - posted on 05/25/2010

I say go for it. If you wait too long it may be impossible. I grew up in that situation and when my Mom and her new husband decided to have another kid I vowed to hate it but when the baby came I couldn't help but to love him. I actually think that the new baby brought the family closer (even though it wasn't all smooth sailing).

Just make sure that when you have a new baby you dedicate some time to spend with each child. Maybe you can let them choose what for dinner one night or all just have a family outing together. The thing I notice most in blended families is that the older children tend to feel like they are losing attention so as long as you can keep that feeling at a minimum I say 'CONGRATULATIONS on the new baby!!!!
Good luck deciding.

Dee - posted on 05/25/2010

Personally I can't imagine giving a child (or another adult for that matter) a vote as to whether or not you and your husband should have a child. It should be a private matter and not up for discussion with others--including people you don't even know on the internet. If you're that indecisive the clear answer is NO.

Angie - posted on 05/25/2010

It's up to you and your husband. I had a friend who was 12 when her parents had a baby and she was really upset. She didn't want to KNOW that her parents were having sex and a baby was proof of that. I can see why the 18 year old doesn't care, she's leaving home soon and this won't affect her. The youngest will say yes to anything, she's too young to understand. Pray about it and decide what is best for your family.

Nikki - posted on 05/25/2010

I think you need to have another child because you want another child, not just because you want one together.

Christina - posted on 05/25/2010

I would have to say if you feel strongly about it, YES! I was much younger and my husband had a son and daughter 8 and 9+ years older than our child. It was difficult at times because we did not have custody. Different rules and all. But I am so glad we did. We really share that commonality of raising our daughter. After much difficulty with the other 2 finding their way, they are on their own now and our daughter has just turned 16. It is a joy to have her around. You do have a younger one, so they will be closer, but do not count on the older ones being really close with the youngest. Ours was more of a rivalry than closeness. Our son(his), still visits and lives close. He cares the most, but after all the strife, our daughter (youngest) wants nothing to do with her older sister. Again, I think much of this was due to them living apart for a while, then the older ones coming to live here and causing havoc. That is my 2 cents.

Gladys - posted on 05/25/2010

I am in a blended family and we each have one from a previous relationship, and now we have our boy together, and he is 5. It was a wonderful blessing added to our family, but sometimes the other kids say we love our 5 year old more,and that he is spoiled.

Tasha - posted on 05/25/2010

While I can understand how your 12 old has their own feelings about adding a new baby to the family, this is not for your children to decide. Having a baby is only for you and your husband to decide...no one else should have get a vote. If your on the edge, I would suggest a quiet, romantic evening where the two of you can sit and talk about the future and weigh the pros and cons of having another child.
Best wishes!

Sarah - posted on 05/25/2010

I think you should go for it!! I have a 10yr. old stepdaughter, and I just had my son last September. My husband and I have been together for 8 yrs. now, and it took us 7 of those 8 to have my son! My stepdaughter was not exited at first, but now she is a wonderful big sissy! If your family is well bonded, then a new addition to the family would be even that much more bonded! Good luck in your decision and I wish you and your family all the best!!

Laura - posted on 05/25/2010

You don't need any ones approval but nice tho have their blessing. I say you have a child of your own as well as the blessings you have individually acquired.

Jeanette - posted on 05/25/2010

Hi
My husband and had a 3 year old son together and I have a stepdaughter 14 from his previous relationship - it bonded the relationship now - it came with the rocky road, but in the end all that matters is what you feel in your heart of hearts.... deep down you must feel what is actually right - you just need confirmation of your feelings and what you have decided in your heart. If you can sustain another little bundle financially and have the space in your home - then go for it... you will never know unless you take a stab at it... whats the worst you can do? Fall in love with the new bundle of joy???

All of the best - and you will make the right decision...

Tarina - posted on 05/25/2010

I think its really just a decision for you and your husband. If you really want another baby in the house, go for it. The kids will all get used to it and grow to love that baby as much as they love each other. Just look at the reasons behind why you are thinking about it. If its cuz you both want a baby... the answer is simple and obvious! As far as having one child that shares DNA with both "halves"... that can be both good and bad. While it may help you feel complete, the other children, especially the younger one, may have issues with jealousy that whichever parent isnt biologically theirs may love the baby more... and even that their own parent might since it is from the current marriage. If it is just to sort of solidify the combining of your two families... there's other ways of doing that, new pet, joint bank accounts lol... not trying to be glib, just saying, babies should only be planned for the joy of raising another child. Youve both done it before, so you know what youre getting yourself into... just be sure it's for the right reasons. Sit down, talk to the hubby, and decide if you both really want one more kid. If you do, have at it! If not, its not the end of the world and your marriage is no less valid if you dont have a kid together. Youre raising 3 together already :) Biology is really the lowest common denominator in child raising. Its all about the love you bear for the children, and it sounds like you have alot for all 3!

Gracie - posted on 05/24/2010

Get to Listen to the Middle one and find out why he/she doesnt want a new born in the Family....If he/she has sensible reason then u guyz can know what to do about it....But honestly, they dont have a say in the issue.

Adline - posted on 05/24/2010

Honestly it is you that know your own body and if your husband supports you then i dont see why not...It always comes down to you the mum cause you will be doing all the work from day one forever....

Jessica - posted on 05/24/2010

I say go for it! Good experience for the teenagers and the three year old really needs a sibling. This is your decision, not theirs. You are the mommy and if you felt the need to put it up here, then obviously you are concerned about waiting too long. I say go for it, enjoy it. My husband and I have a daughter each from previous relationships and then two together. Our girls all love eachother deeply. We wouldn't change our family for the world. I will say however that the eldest didn't like the idea at first, but she loves them very much :) Good luck Michelle!

Marcia - posted on 05/24/2010

We have a blended family too. My husband has three daughters from a previous marriage and we have full custody of all of them. They are ages 13, 12, and 6. Nine months ago we had a little baby girl together. It has been the best thing for our family. My stepdaughters had mixed feelings about the new baby. The 13 yr old and 6 yr old were both excited. The 12 yr. old was not too happy. We realized that it was because she needed to be reassured that I was still going to love her just as much when the baby came. It was good eye opener for me to spend more one-on-one time with her. I think adding this baby to our family has brought us all closer and she has been the "glue" to seal our family together. As long as the kids feel that they are a part of the whole process I think it can be a really positive thing. We involved each child in the process by making one in charge of helping design the nursery, one helped with picking out the baby clothes and toys and our 6 year old took a tour with us of the hospital and got to see the ultrasound of the baby. Each one felt that they were a part of welcoming the new baby into the home and so it made them all excited. I am 35 years old too and feel that the timing was perfect. Good luck and best wishes!

Laena - posted on 05/23/2010

I say absolutely! I just recently got remarried last December and my husband had 2 girls he has full custody of from a previous relationship that are now 10 and 11 and I have 1 daughter from a previous marriage that is now 11 and we WISH we could have one together. I cant have anymore kids so its not an option for us. But we feel that it would tie the family together completely. Make all the kids related instantly, other than just by marriage and it will bring your husband and yourself closer when you have something that you, together have created! Honey, I wish I was in your position and envy you for it... to me its a no brainer. Remember... as it may be all well and fine to get opinions from your current children about it, they ARE just opinion and the decision IS YOURS! Dont let them sway you. YOU are the parents. Good luck to you, I wish you all the best!

Tina - posted on 05/23/2010

Hi there, I have 4 Children 3 girls from a previous marriage and a 7 year old son with my now partner, my partner also had a 19 year old son who we lost to cancer last Oct, the point i'm getting to is that we feel complete with out son he sees my children has his own, but it never seemed enough...and for us to have our son seemed right, i'm 46 now, i do find it hard at times and worry about looking like grandma picking him up from school!! but we are happy, I think you should consider it especially has i think you are still young... good luck

Pamela - posted on 05/23/2010

if I think YES! If that's what you both want! My husband had a 16 year old girl, a 12 year old boy and I had a 7 year old when we met..we both had custody of our kids! Initially we both said we didn't want anymore....he was 40 and I was 29. But things change and we decided we wanted one together! It was the best decision we ever made! Our daughter is almost 3 and its been an amazing experience for us to share this miracle together. We had to go thru IVF to get her and we were lucky on our 1st try!! Having a child is an amazing experience and it would let you see each other in a totally different light and you'll have a miracle of the love you share together!! Go for it!!

Linda - posted on 05/23/2010

Why not adopt together. Many kids need parents.

Marsha - posted on 05/23/2010

I think you have to do what is right for you and your family. I had two children and my husband had one...ages 3,5,7 when we married. We never had the urge for more and have been happy with our three girls who are now grown. Neither of us ever thought of them as "step" kids, they are all just "our" kids. Do what is right for you and your family!

Natalie - posted on 05/23/2010

No one knows your situation better than you so all you can do is draw on others life experiences, however we are all unique and what works or doesn't work won't apply to you. You have your intuition and still about 4 years biologically before age really becomes a factor. If you feel the urge to ask if its a good idea, then my answer would be, not yet. Blending families is tricky and if you have made it this far and are happy that is an achievement, enjoy the moment for now.

Christel - posted on 05/22/2010

go for IT! Have another ONE!

Lucille - posted on 05/22/2010

Yes absolutely, the 3yo has already been separated from i'ts father is 8y younger than youngest 1/2 sibling, give her a "mate" It can also solidify the whole family as all children will have a common DNA link then

Frances - posted on 05/22/2010

Democracy in a family is a good thing but some decisions need to be made by the adults/parents rather than the children. As long as each child is assured that he/she is a valued member of the family and will continue to be such, the final decision should be made based on the overall considerations such as the ability of the parents to care for the emotional, nurturing, educational, and financial needs of existing family needs as well as that of a newcomer. Perfection is not required. Love and care are essential to all members. Good luck with your decision whatever it turns out to be.

Shannon - posted on 05/22/2010

When my husband and I started talking about adoption, we included our two biological children in the discussions. We were careful to explain to them that they did have a say in our family decision but that it was a much bigger deal than simply getting to "vote" on it. Ultimately, it was our decision. We chose to adopt. We have no regrets. Though sometimes our children all wish they were the only ones. We work through it. Just like anyother families would. We just encourage them to be careful with their language. "I wish we never adopted him" is not allowed. It's the same as wishing someone was never born. Too harmful for an "I'm sorry." Do what feels right for the two of you. You are the foundation of the family. If your relationship is strong, your children will see that. If you have regrets...they will pick up on that too and blame themselves. Involves the kids in your decisions - that's healthy - but do not let them "vote" on it. It's a forever decision. They can only see the now. Hope this helps.

Carisa - posted on 05/22/2010

I would really think about it before you did it.For one who's to say that this marriage will last and you get to raise the child together and not be left with another baby. On top of that the older children are look at it like we are finally able to get out and go and another littl baby will not only tie mom back down for a while but it will also take away the attention that we are getting now. I would definitly think about it. The good part is your still young and in my opinion I think its a great idea becasue it will make the youngest feel like a big sister and not a baby. She would be a great mommy helper and you and your husband would have your baby together. There are goods and bads about another baby I would really think it through before doing anything and taking the kids information into consideration.

Natalie - posted on 05/22/2010

Ya know honestly if u guys can afford it and both want it, GO FOR IT! Cuz ur lucky to have someone to do it with. I have four kids right now and i want another little boy so bad, but there are some things in the way, life is too short to hold back stuff like this. So if there werent so many things in the way for me i know i would do it, good luck to u guys!

Lil - posted on 05/22/2010

Myself I would but then i loved babies must have done as i had 5
But i would go ahead if your husband is willing
Then there willbe the extra bond between you and hubby oncebaby is born the older girl will be delighted maybe the son too but the little one will love it
when i told mt eldest daughter that i was pregnate she used to Phone from work to see if i was ok she could not wait for My only son to be born yes i had 4 daughters at that time
so if it makes you both Happy why not
best of luck Lil

Laura Beth - posted on 05/22/2010

We have our HMO: His Mine and Ours and it is wonderful. We have 15, 14, 12 yr old and then we have our together and she is two. It was a lot harder than I thought of to juggle teens and their activities and a baby but it has been such a blessing. It really has brought our family together. We bond with the one person who belongs to all of us. All our kids interact with her in a different way and it is wonderful.

Erin - posted on 05/22/2010

Absolutly do it,(his,mine,and ours) the kids will be fine keep things open and honest with them but you two are the ones who ultimitly should be makeing the decicision,its really not up to the kids.
Make sure they know you value their opinions but its Mom and Dads choice, keep them in the loop so they feel like they are a part of the experience.
And Good Luck hope you and your whole family have a wonderful life together with your new addition.

Darlene - posted on 05/22/2010

I would say to follow your heart, both of you. Financially we always think that we should be able to afford them. If we actually figured out how much they cost to raise, we would probably gasp and really think about not having them. So for me I think it has to be a matter of the heart. The child whose the oldest, and doesn't care probably cares the most.

Chriss - posted on 05/22/2010

I had 3 kids before I met my second hubby, he had none and said he would love to have more I was a little apprehensive as I had practically raised the others by myself and I thought what if we don't last and I've been through the sleeplessnights/nappys/tantrums and toilet training etc and the thought of doing it all again scared me. I knew he would be a great dad as he already was to my other 3 so we took the plunge and though it has as I suspected been a hard and tiring couple of years we are coming up to her 2nd birthday and I wouldn't trade her for all the world. My eldest is the one who didn't want another baby and is very much the attention seeker in our family (14 years) she often resents the fact that there is a baby to take up a lot of my time and I work fulltime but as much as she doesn't agree with my decision she loves her all the same so do what you feel is right for you cause in the end your the one left holding the baby so to say, the others will grow up and leave home soon enough and you don't want to live with regrets of what could have been, just don't have another one just to have one together though do it because it is your desire to do so Wishing you well

Carmen - posted on 05/22/2010

I don't think it would be such a bad idea. I wish with all my heart my now husband and I could have had a baby together. He has no birth children of his own and would have been the best dad! However, I had radical surgery which prevented that. If the two of you would like to have one more from the two of you, it is your decision. The middle one is perhaps unsure of his position in the family if you should have another. Blessings on whatever the two of you have decided!!

Michelle - posted on 05/21/2010

Oh, and the middle boy is the most supportive of our relationship. He wanted a full-time mom more than anything and seeks a lot of attention from me. Now that I think about it, I think he is a little jealous of the youngster's needs and probably doesn't want to share anymore of his time. We will have a talk with him and let him vent. Maybe we can calm his anxiety. You all have certainly helped mine by talking me through this!

Michelle - posted on 05/21/2010

Thank you to everyone for the encouragement. I think I just had cold feet. I also think my stepson has been in a poor mood as the youngest turned 3. They were so sweet together until recently when she started to invade his space. I think you all are right...he just needs reassurance and a lock on his door! :)

Keri - posted on 05/20/2010

If the middle child is is respected, that is if middle child is allowed to voice his thoughts and feelings he will be more accepting of the new baby. That isn't to say that he gets to vote on the subject, but if you are mindful that he doesn't want a new sibling and you acknowledge those feeling he will probably come around. As with any older sibling you still need to make time for the older children away from a new baby. We make sure that we give each child the attention they need.

Sharon - posted on 05/20/2010

I am wondering... will the middle child just grow supremely resentful? Is the middle child well adjusted and happy with your relationship?

Keri - posted on 05/20/2010

My husbands kids are 16, 17, and just turned 20. They all live with their mom. My son is 10. We have 2 together that are 4 and 15 months. Your 18 year old may seem indifferent, but she will probably love having a baby sibling. My 20 year old step son comes over all the time. When he hasn't been by in a few days he says he has baby sister withdrawals. It is very cute. He loves his siblings from the other mother (me) and enjoys spending time with them. I say go for it.

Dawn - posted on 05/20/2010

35 is an age where you should be thinking about if you will have more children, but it certainly isn't the end all!!! You feasibly have another 10 years and certainly another 5 before things get tricky; child birth now is just amazing!! If you and hubby are thinking about it then I think it is a good idea...the 11 year old will come around. I will be turning 32 soon and my husband is 43 and we just had our first child...we may have another, but not in the very near future, so I too will be over 35 when it happens. :) :)

Tracy - posted on 05/20/2010

I've got two from my last fiasco, er marriage. They are 8 and 3. I'm blessed that they are happy, sweet, and healthy. And I have NO interest whatsoever in having more, period-end-of-story. Lucky for me, I'm with a man who while he doesn't have kids of his own, doesn't want any. He's happy with my two. To him, they aren't his kids, but they're his kids.

It really comes down to, do you and the hub WANT another one? Do you really want to go through pregnancy, birthing, recovery, newborn, diapers, toddler, etc?

Rebecca - posted on 05/20/2010

i think that the ages of the other three are great for another child it makes it a little easier for you as their not all dependant on you !!