Should we tell his ex we're marrying?

Tiara - posted on 07/04/2012 ( 222 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of over a year and I are officially getting married. He has a three-year-old daughter with whom he spends as much time as his ex will allow him as possible and her and I have a great relationship. My question is should we inform the ex we're getting married before we go public with the information?

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Jodi - posted on 07/05/2012

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I think perhaps you should mention it to her, because she's going to find out through her daughter anyway, she might appreciate being told. It certainly isn't necessarily her business, but I think from a courtesy perspective it would be appropriate.

Sara - posted on 07/05/2012

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Yes, you should tell her. She has a right to know that her daughter is getting a step mom. And if you have a great relationship theres no reason not to tell her. IF she was the type to start trouble I would say no, but since shes not, then tell her.
Are you going to invite her to the wedding?? If its not going to be ackward for all of you it might be nice to have her help with the little one. :)

Georgetta - posted on 07/06/2012

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Yes, tell the ex first. Then maybe all three of you can sit down and talk with the daughter, if she has not been told already. Yes, It is not her business what you and your future husband do, but it is her business about any and all realtionship that affect her daughter.

Lisa - posted on 07/05/2012

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He has a child with this person. She's going to be a part of his life for the REST of his life. Yes, you should tell her you're getting married. Because if you DO get married, she's going to be a part of YOUR life forever as well.



If things go well, you will be seeing this woman at the child's graduations and wedding. Not to mention sharing grandchildren with her someday. Why not start off on the right foot?

Maria - posted on 07/05/2012

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I agree that it would be courteous to tell the ex, especially with a child involved. The girl is only 3 and may have questions that mom will have to respond to. She shouldn't be blindsided. You said you had a great relationship with the ex, which is terrific. It's best to keep it that way!

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222 Comments

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Evelyn - posted on 11/23/2012

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I would tell her after you have told family and friends. She does need to know that her child is going to have a new person in the home.

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2012

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Yes it would be appropiate to tell her-you are all grown adults. Just make it simple-no need to go into any great detail.Tell her a coulpe of days before your announcement and make it clear you are informing her as the public will be soon be informed.

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

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If you're comfortable with telling her, there's nothing wrong with it. It's not going to change anything.

Billie - posted on 07/25/2012

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yes its important to keep her informed so that way if the child has quiestions she may be able to handle it in a proper way an not be taken by surprise

Deanna - posted on 07/22/2012

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Yes absolutely. It does effect her daughter so she should know. Not that you have to tell her first but you should tell her not just let her get the info from somewhere else. If you guys have a good relationship and she should be supportive anyway.

Jessica - posted on 07/22/2012

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he should tell her but beware it will probably change your relationship with her. My husband's ex was cool with me until she saw we were happy and she was not....

Mako - posted on 07/22/2012

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First of all Congratulations on your engagement. Absolutely tell the ex or mother of fiance's child you are getting married because now you are going to be a step mother so the relationship is very serious. The ex has no say so in your future with your fiance, but she needs to know how important it will be for you and her child to bond. God Bless you and your family.

Zena - posted on 07/21/2012

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I was in your boat before and decided not to tell our ex's. It was a big mess! It is his responsibility to tell her... She might think you are being messy!

Julie - posted on 07/16/2012

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Yes. She'll be deeply hurt if she hears it from someone else first. You wouldn't want something like this to change the good terms you're on now. You also wouldn't want it to affect your step-daughter in a negative way.

Natalie - posted on 07/16/2012

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I think it is her business to know. I certainly want to know who my kids are around whether its their teachers, friends, or friends parents. If you're becoming a permanent fixture in her life the ex involved should know. Also, it is polite to tell her before she hears it third-hand.

Joanne - posted on 07/16/2012

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Tiara, to maintain that relationship all around I would tell her, you want to continue with that circle of trust with your future husband's child's mother, certainly if you both want to have her over more and more. I think in the long run she will probably be happy for you both, and will feel more secure in knowing that her ex is in a stable and loving relationship and won't have to worry about her daughter being exposed to a carousel of women circling in her life. God Bless and congratulations on the engagement.

Jo:)

Bethanny - posted on 07/16/2012

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I agree with quite a few of the comments on here...If you have a great relationship with her, maybe mentioning it to her, even a day or two before you go "public" would be courteous.

Tiffany - posted on 07/16/2012

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Yes you should definitely tell her because her child is involved. This child will be your new stepchild but it still her baby first. Despite your feelings of the ex, you need to be concerned about the child and if you're serious about being a family for this little girl, you need to think about how is the mother will react. If she finds out from someone else, she could go postal and take away custody.

[deleted account]

Even though my ex is now divorced his second wife (to the best of my knowledge, as I know they were starting getting divorced two years ago), I was glad that he informed me that they were getting married. I only met her the once (so didn't form an opinion of her, which he asked for the next time he saw me).

The bit that did upset me was the way he went behind my back on the visit after informing me and asking the two eldest daughters about being bridesmaids at his wedding without talking through with me first. He didn't want my youngest daughter and/or me there (can understand to a bit about latter). Said he would look after the girls and his family. I told him no as he would be busy that day and also my girls hadn't seen any of his family for quite a while, so not prepared to leave them with effectively strangers.

Denise - posted on 07/15/2012

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I think that in order to keep things civil between the three of you and if you plan on including his daughter in your wedding, I would tell his ex before you go public with the information

Johnnie Ann - posted on 07/15/2012

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Hey Tiara ,
She will know anyway and if there is no fition between the 2 of you that would be a nice gesture . even if you don"t get along it would still be a nice gesture . I have been on both sides where the mom part is concerned the best advice I can give you is don't talk bad about her mom around her and don"t commment on anything the daughter says if she is mad at her because she wll get over it but she will remember what you said and forget what she said .Always let her know you are the wife of her daddy make up some name that has nothing to do with the momma name like maybe T it could be a thing just between you 2 never let her call you mom . oh and one thing more be nice to the ex but do not become friends with her its not good for the marriage lol hope this helps ,

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2012

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I don't think it hs anything to do with her. Are you phoning up all your ex's to spread the news. Co parenting involves decisions regarding the children, what u do with your life has nothing to do with her. You are the stepmom to his child, whether legally or not, I'm assuming u are going to treat her as your own. So what is changing. My ex didn't phone me and tell me he was remarrying and it didn't bother me in the least, it has nothing to do with me. And it worked the same way when I remarried. On the otherhand if you are friend's with the ex, u should be telling her as a friend, not out of obligation.

Kristine - posted on 07/15/2012

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He should tell her before she hears it from someone else. Otherwise he will look like a coward not being able to face his ex whom he has a child with. Also you will probably have some contact wwith her in the future and need to make sure you two are on civil speaking terms.

Mary Helen - posted on 07/15/2012

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Why not? He's divorced from her and reading between the lines, sounds like there is no love lost between them, plus it also might help your relationship, if she knows the two of you respected her enough to inform her first. Glad you have a good relationship with his daughter and hopefully, with the childs mothers "blessing", the little girl can appreciate both of you as mothers. She will be one lucky girl to have two mothers to love her dearly and for them to be friends. In years to come, it will be more relaxing for all, if all of you have a nice cordial relationship.

[deleted account]

I just responded and then looked at all of the other responses....looks like everyone says to tell. I have to ask, though, why you are even asking this? I have two children of my own and blending two families is difficult, even if done well. We have been to counseling to help us all with this adjustment. Remember, this little girl has a mother.....you will be her step mom and I am wondering why you are questioning keeping her biological mother out of the loop? This will affect the little girl tremendously. I have no idea what your (or your fiancee's) relationship is with the mother of the child is, but you will always be 'co-parenting' with her. For everyone's sake, I recommend some counseling (or maybe some good and highly recommended books) to start the process.

[deleted account]

Yes. I was in your shoes and we informed my husband's exwife just before we got engaged. I think we called her about 10 minutes before we told everyone else, but we wanted to start it off the right way (in our opinion). We didn't want her to hear it from someone else. Also, my husband wanted to gauge her reaction as we both wanted to minimize any 'fallout' which may have been misguided at their daughter who was 8 at the time.

Janet - posted on 07/15/2012

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If you think keeping a marriage a secret from a former spouse is a good idea, you need to go to a counselor or therapist.

A marriage is a sacred bond and should not be started with secrets. If you feel that should be the start it will never work.

Above all you should be true to your fiance, but he has a family that should be protected by you. If you do not protect Him and his former life with your love for him. Kiss the relationship Goodbye.

Michele - posted on 07/15/2012

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When my ex got married, I was the last to know and they got married the day after my birthday. I wish he would have told me himself rather than finding out from a friend who was going to the wedding. It would be best if she knew before the news gets out so she can have a response read when people ask her how she feels about it, plus it's just courtesy. I wish you two the best in your new life as a married couple and love on that little girl as much as you can. They grow up fast.

Christine - posted on 07/15/2012

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I would definitely tell her, as long as you have a good relationship! You don't want her finding out from someone else and feeling betrayed. Good luck!

Ronda - posted on 07/15/2012

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Yes by all means tell her first, this child deserves to have loving parents that get along for her sake especially. She doesn't need to feel any anxiety other the child should know everyone loves her and is willing to put aside any animosity for her sake , than her parents being apart. For respect tor everyone it is the right thing to do

Nikki - posted on 07/15/2012

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How would you feel if it was reversed? Of course, you should tell her first. It shows respect for the child and her mother. I

Donna - posted on 07/15/2012

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I would have had the soon-to-be hubby of the soon-to-be stepmom tell the ex (previously married or not) already. In fact, I don't understand why this would even be a question. It just seems to me common sense and courtesy to have already informed the biological mother of the child that a marriage was impending and out of respect she is being notified about it, in advance, before word gets out and she ends up hearing it from someone else. JMHO

Caroline - posted on 07/15/2012

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Yes. out of respect for her as his daughter's mother you should try your best to start off on the right foot...And of course it is what's best for the little girl. It's best for all the adults around her to behave with respect and civility towards each other. Best wishes for you and your new family!

Sanelle - posted on 07/15/2012

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My honest opinion is, she is still the girl's mother, no matter what went wrong in their relationship, she has the right to know. You will be the girl's stepmother and will spend as much time with the girl from now on as your boyfriend does, she has the right to know it. And if possible, from my experience, try for her to get to know you. I know, it's not always possible. I'm in the lucky position that I love my ex's fiance and I think the word of her. I know my fiance's ex wife too and when we do meet up, it's not weird or anything. At the end of the day it's all about the kid/s. The less weirdness between parents, the better for them. Good luck, I know it's not easy dealing with ex's, or with somebody else's kid/s. But I love my fiance and will do anything to make our blended family as easy as possible for us all :)

Jennifer - posted on 07/15/2012

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I would so she doesnt decide to take the daughter away and not let her be there for the wedding. Plus then you wouldnt have problems later on.

Clare - posted on 07/15/2012

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No I don't think you have to tell the ex first before it becomes public news. If your partner and yourself have happily moved on,the ex partner will find out when everyone else does. Your happiness comes first. Your together for a reason,because you love eachother,put yourselves first..

Siobhan - posted on 07/15/2012

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Where a child is involved you should tell the mother of the child any information which would impact on that child. Out of courtesy I would tell your fiance to sit down with her and mention it, she will take it a lot better than if she found out through other people. :)

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2012

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Lori I also strongly disagree, as I've made apparent in one too many posts but frankly it astounds me that 1) this question even needs to be asked and 2) the number of people, even though it's a minority, who are advising against letting her know before making it public. You do realize that as soon as the daughter knows that's who the Mom is going to hear it from and what an unfair position you put them both in but especially the child. I know I keep making the same points but it is really perplexing to me why anyone would suggest keeping it from her from any length of time.

Eniko - posted on 07/15/2012

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I say yes, she should know before it is publicly announced. This is something major that will affect her daughter's life so she has a right to know. Also good for her to deal with it before her daughter calls her and says, "Guess what, Mommy!" So I think she should be told before the daughter announces it.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/15/2012

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Being a single mom myself at one point, I would have appreciated it that way I would have a better idea of who my child would be living with when not with me and if it is a positive meeting it will benefit the child in the long run if everyone gets along.

Laura - posted on 07/15/2012

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Lori, I think you are so wrong. The daughter's mom needs to know and she needs to hear it from the dad....not anyone else. They will be raising this little girl together no matter who marries who, but the foundation needs to be honesty and respect. If she starts drama it will need to be nipped in the bud. I am a second wife, I raised his child and I have a respectful relationship with the ex. She is dramatic by nature, but is not allowed to bring the drama into our home by her own actions or those of the child. Its all worked for a very long time. Problems with their daughter were worked out among us all...for the benefit of the child. No secrets, no lies makes no drama.

Lori - posted on 07/15/2012

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no way, 2's company 3's a crowd....sounds like you may need her approval. When the daughter is with you both talk about it openly with her....she's what really matters. The ex's input is what you will end up dealing with if you make the announcement to her first. This is between you and your fiance....first and formost.... then the next is your future step daughter.... informing the ex is only asking for drama! You may think you have a great relationship until you become the step mom.... then all bets are off.... been there done that!

Toni - posted on 07/12/2012

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Definitely tell the ex first. She should not have to hear it in the street or by others who are not closely effected by this news. If you two have such a great relationship she should respect the news coming from you first. If you all get long so well she should feel comfortable with the daughter being in all of your lives. Good Luck! By the way Congratulations!

Jenny - posted on 07/12/2012

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Absolutely without hesitation. Allow me to explain the other side. I am a divorcee and I have full custody of my daughter. Keep it business trust me as an ex-wife myself I dont want or need to know any of those kind of details about whoever my daughter's father is currently dating. That was his problem amongst many more. He was unfaithful, abusive amongst many other things. regarding yur situation though... If it were me I would expect to hear it from my ex-husband. There are a whole host of emotions and circumstances you dont know about and I'm quite sure you dont know the half of why they split. Men love to puff themselves up. The best gift you can give the child involved is civility from all the adults involved. all that little girl knows is she loves her mother and father. That's where it should remain. The details have nothing to do with her.

Tanda - posted on 07/12/2012

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Before you go public? You do realize you posted it on a public website- hope she hasn't seen this post if you haven't told her yet! I agree with most of the women- she is the mother of your stepdaughter- you are going to be a co-parent with her and therefore while she gave up the right to say who is her daughters stepmother with the divorce- she does have a right to know there will be a new stepmother in the picture. You however should not tell her alone- it should be either your fiance or both of you together. It's a matter of respecting her as the mother of your step-daughter.

Sam - posted on 07/12/2012

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Yes! She should hear it from him before hearing from someone else. This affects her daughter so she has a right to be in the know early on.

Blossom - posted on 07/12/2012

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Why would you not tell her? This change in your boyfriends status affects his life and his childs, so why would you not inform the mother of the child of this major change?

Jennifer - posted on 07/11/2012

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Well if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the exwife would you want to know? If the answer is yes then the man you are marrying should tell her.

I think it would be a better way to start off your new marriage by having her know. She is the mother of his child and you will be the child's stepmom. You don't want any unnecessary animosity.

Patricia - posted on 07/11/2012

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That would be polite however it his your fiancee's responsibility. You should discuss it with him.

Ann Marie - posted on 07/11/2012

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yes incase he is hiding something you dont know for sure what he is doing behind close door.i think why r u rushing it.

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