Should we tell his ex we're marrying?

Tiara - posted on 07/04/2012 ( 222 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend of over a year and I are officially getting married. He has a three-year-old daughter with whom he spends as much time as his ex will allow him as possible and her and I have a great relationship. My question is should we inform the ex we're getting married before we go public with the information?

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Stephanie - posted on 07/09/2012

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The way that I see it, you have a relationship with HER daughter and she has a right to know when and in what capacity you will be around her daughter. Letting her find out second-hand will probably only make you seem unreliable and disrespectful to her, even though that's not how you mean it. I'm sure then that she won't want her daughter around you if she feels "left in the dark". When you say "allowed time" it seems as though she dictates when your fiancé can see her. If y'all want to continue to see his daughter, I would make sure she sees you as a responsible adult who will tell her things that she should know, especially about things that could change her kid's life! Start off on the right foot and tell her before it comes out. You will have this woman in your life for ATLEAST the next 15 years... Be respectful of her feelings.

Beth - posted on 07/09/2012

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I don't get it : "he has a three-year-old daughter with whom he spends as much time as his ex will allow him". So.... She dictates HIS parenting time? And you want to marry this guy? Well then, by all means- tell her! She will probably let you know what wedding date will work best for her, and what gifts she would like him to register her for. Please do not have children, they may be born with no backbone.

Ann - posted on 07/09/2012

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Your and his parents first then her and then the rest of the world!!! It is only fair that she hears it direct from you both before someone else tells her. If you get on well I'm sure she'll be delighted for you.

Danielle - posted on 07/09/2012

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i would tell her so there is no hard feelings about it later, if you dont have problems with you they dont need to start now good luck and congrates

Tammy - posted on 07/09/2012

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I think you should definitely tell the ex before you go public with the information. It only hurts the child if you don't. My husband's ex-wife doesn't tell us anything about what is going on, and she has moved men into the house and lied about it. Then, last August, she married (for the third time) and didn't tell my husband. She was also pregnant and lied about it. (Long story)

My point is that my husband could care less about what his ex-wife is doing, unless it involves the children. A decision, such as marriage, is one that definitely affects the children. I don't know what kind of a relationship you have with his ex, but I believe every parent has the right to know information, which directly affects your child.

My husband's ex-wife thought she was hurting my husband by sneaking around and lying. I am not saying that is what you are doing by any means. What his ex-wife failed to realize is that her poor behavior only hurt the children. When my husband and I decided to get married, we told his ex-wife immediately. It is a common courtesy, and it helps to prevent any hurt feelings or backlash (or revenge) should your fiance's ex find out on her own. Just my opinion...and congrats on your engagement.

Christal - posted on 07/09/2012

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Just out of consideration, yes. I would be cruel to have her find out through someone else. I mean you are going to be in her daughters life for forever now.

Kristi - posted on 07/09/2012

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Apparently Kate Appleton is living in the stoneage. She has a right to be happy, and so does her fiancé. Relationships don't always work out and it is old-fashioned to believe that if there are children involved than you shouldn't be in a relationship. Doing so will only breed resentment, hostility, anger, and depression (if your giving love up for your kids to not be "confused").. That's a crock.. Kids understand more than adults give them credit for... And o answer the authors question- yes, you should absolutely tell her, especially since there is a good relationship. It is only common courtesy to let her know... But, it shouldn't necessarily be YOU the one uttering the "we're engaged" to her... It should be HIM. he had the relationship with her and he has the common child so it is only right if he tells her.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/09/2012

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I would. I am in your boyfriend's Ex's shoes so to speak, and I found out through the grapevine that he was getting married. It is much better to be honest and upfront, and not let rumor be the way she finds out. It also shows maturity on your part to be honest w/her. Good luck, I'm sure its not easy either way!

Marianne - posted on 07/09/2012

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Yes you must tell her, no question!!!! She may hate you both at first but she will respect you more for it in the long run. I tell my ex everything big that is happening in my life that will affect the children and as does he. Nothing involving children is easy, and I know that not telling her may seem the easiest option right now, but trust me, his daughter wont thank you in the long run if the world knows about your happy news before her mother as trust me............ She will be really pissed and make life very hard for you all, less contact and moaning at her daughter so much without realizing how much it affects the child/ Good luck, both with telling her and with your marriage. I don't think she'll take it as hard as you think xxxxx

Stephanie - posted on 07/09/2012

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You should definitely tell her because, as a mother, she has a right to know that her daughter will have a step-parent. The same would be true if she were going to get married; Dad would have a right to know that his daughter was going to have a step-father. It is all about respecting each other and their co-parenting relationship. Also, they should do their best to keep each other informed when there will be major changes, in their individual lives, that will impact the child. The best interests of the child should always come first:^)

Dove - posted on 07/09/2012

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Those of you that think the mother of this man's child should not be made aware that this child is going to have a stepmother really concern and disturb me.

IF there was no child involved, then... yeah... the man's personal life is 100% his business, but this child is going to have a stepmother and the actual BIO mother should not be given fair notice?! Yes, his personal life is still HIS business, but when a child is involved... both bio parents have every right to know things that will greatly impact THEIR children.

If your child were going to have a stepmother... would you like to be aware of this in order to be able to discuss it with your child?

Trust me.... finding out from your child's psychologist that your ex is already married is NOT the way for bio father and stepmom to build any type of trust or respect from bio mom. @@

Serina - posted on 07/09/2012

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I have to say she should be one of the first to know. And the few people who are say that the ex only shares a child with your boyfriend are really undercutting the value of what they do share. What else is greater in life than sharing a child. This is not a piece of property, this is a human life that they brought into the world together. Not saying she needs to be the first to know but out of respect for her and the child she should be told. You don't want it to be a slap in the face to hear it from someone on the street. If she becomes a problem at least you can say you did the right thing.

Rita - posted on 07/09/2012

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Tiara, hun, from experience, I don't think you owe his ex anything. Who cares that they have a child together; that's [all] they have. Your fiance is entitled to his own [private] life separate from his ex . . . she's no one to him but the woman whom has a child with him. Do not start your life with your fiance by keeping his ex all up in your business. It is none of her business . . . no matter when or how she finds out (if she's not over him) she'll bring drama. If she's truly over him, has a life of her own, & has completely moved on then and only then would she not care ether way what he does in his life. You have a great relationship with his/her daughter that should be the ex's only concern (the welfare of her daughter). Good luck on what you decide. My husband of 7-years has a son with the devil and she's extremely scorned. He wanted to tell her that he was marrying me and he also wanted his son to be the ring bearer in our wedding. I told him that if she knew about the wedding she would do everything to sabotage your special day (by hiding his son out on the day of wedding to prevent him from attending/participating). So he opted not to tell her . . . she later was snooping through his things (at his mom's home) and found the receipt for the purchase of my engagement ring and our engagement portraits. Well she ripped up the receipt the portraits to shreds, she's ridiculous. So by that stunt it confirmed for him that she would not be receptive to hearing the news of our wedding and that there's no way she would be cooperative in allowing their son to attend/participate. To this day her behavior has only progressed for the worse. She's so jealous and vengeful that she has completely alienated his son from his life [SMDH]. Her mission is to hurt my husband by removing his son from his life as punishment for his moving on with his life without her. So, from my experience, I don't think you owe the ex anything. If she's NOT over him, she may think you're both rubbing it in her face (the love you have for each other), especially if she has not moved on in her life (positively). ijs

Ava - posted on 07/09/2012

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I would. Let her her know before she hears it from someone else and gets salty because u 2 were trying to "keep it from her". or something along those lines.

Annie - posted on 07/09/2012

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I believe, she should be aware of it first. Obiviously, not for her blessing but out of courtesy. I also, think it would be best if he told her. Rather than you. Since, they did spend some time together and they have a 3 year old. It would only make sense. Once, its out in the open with her then you may make a public announcement of your great news. I hope all works out and many blessings to you and your fiance.

Evelyn - posted on 07/09/2012

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yes you must let her know first, just so that she can come to terms with the information

Audie - posted on 07/09/2012

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yes you should inform her as a respect of being the mother of your husband daughter.. and since you have a great relationship with each other and her daughter might as well tell her so in the future you won't complicate things in case...................

Musha - posted on 07/09/2012

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Hy Tiara, Congs, Yes im of a vew that your boyfriend should le t the ex know about the up coming wedding btwn you two out of respect the bond they share(doughter) , so its fair enuff , wel Gud luck to the two of you and best wishes upon your marriage ,

Gemma - posted on 07/09/2012

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i was in the exact same situation and i told my ex around the same time as everyone else and all was fine now happily married and no bad rifts between any of us :)

Tracy - posted on 07/08/2012

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Hello, Mmmmm Tricky one.
You, know if she is a problem causer or tries to restrict things ? if she isin a relationship herself she may not be bothered.if not, she will be secretly not be happy about your marraige and she will not let her daughter attend!
But if a lot of people you know are the same, it is better to hear it from you before she hears it first from someone else.
she may be ok with it but i get a feeling if your partner does not get much time with the daughter because she plays it hard...it wont go down well, either way she should know,BUT at the end of the day its got nothing to do with her now.
Hope all goes well :-)

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

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Without question she should be told, before the daughter or anyone else whom she might hear the info from. It would feel hurtful to hear it from someone else and as if it was deliberately being kept from her. The daughter also deserves to have a Mom who is prepared for any questions she might have and not be unwittingly put on the spot of being the one who tells her Mom. For those who say its none of her business, she has no say in the matter but it most certainly is her business as it deeply effects her daughter, better or worse it does not matter, the family dynamics are changing, not for the first time. Though I think her ex, your boyfriend, should be the one to tell her, not yourself. Or both of you together.

Anna - posted on 07/08/2012

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hmmm sounds familiar lol but i am the ex wife (to be) in my situation, my ex and his fiance told me a few weeks ago they are getting married, i knew it would happen anyway cas my ex is very besotted by her lol and her him (very sweet hehe) i was so happy for them, considdering my ex and i had a awful split up i was glad for him to be happy cas it reflects on our son and his relationship with his dad and it helps even more that my son likes his wife to be who may i add is a lovely lady.
anyway i'd say tell her, just out of intrest tho do you and his ex have a good relationship and him and the ex? it's so common for people to split and argue alot i think its important for the children to get on as best as possible for the children as even if the arguments are away from the children they can still pick up on emotions etc and negatives

Mahlodi - posted on 07/08/2012

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She is an EX and she should remain that way, She and your hubby to be are just sharing a baby that's all. You guys don't owe her anything

Christina - posted on 07/08/2012

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yes u should. Just out of respect for the mom. Plus it shows a willingness of open communication and she knows then you two wont hide anything big from her. Its a respect thing.

Grace - posted on 07/08/2012

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Since he has a child with his ex. I think it would be respectful to let her know before everyone since you will potentially be co parenting with them now, likely as a legal guardian.

Idell - posted on 07/08/2012

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Yes why not if there are no issues between you then treat her with respect and tell her first.

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2012

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Without a doubt your fiancee must tell her before she finds out from someone else. Her daughter will be affected and if youhave a good relationship with her she shouldnt have a problem with it. Especially if your fiancee wants a good relationship with his daughter. You guys do not want to disrepect the ex or she may keep their child from him. I appreciated it when my ex told me before anyone else and i did the same when i got engaged.

Keri - posted on 07/08/2012

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Yes, I would tell her before putting it in the newspaper or online or wherever she might see it and get pissed that she didn't know yet. I think by NOT telling her, your fiance risks the current relationship he has with his daughter. If his ex has custody, the ex can tell him he can't see his daughter anymore. And don't think it's YOUR duty to tell her - make your fiance do it, it's his ex and their daughter.

Pamela - posted on 07/08/2012

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That may be wise as the child that exists from his previous relationship will be a part of your marriage. If she has a 'great relationship' with you then there should be no problem. If it turns out that the marriage suddenly cools her relationship with you, you will know there are residual feelings for her ex she has not yet worked out and you should trend lightly, but with love!

Linda - posted on 07/08/2012

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Yes. You will soon become a step mom and I think it is the right thing to do. She will probably want to know how this will impact her daughter. I believe starting off amicably will help your future greatly.

Amanda - posted on 07/08/2012

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My ex told me that he was getting married before anyone else, and also told me they were pregnant before they went public and I was greatly appreciative to him doing it (even though we don't get along very well - we have a 2 year old daughter together though). So my advice would be YES tell the ex before you go public, it's the respectful thing to do.

Joleen - posted on 07/08/2012

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It depends what kind of relationship you want with the mother of your step child. Respect, honesty and communication go towards having a long lasting good relationship. And Lies, avoidance, and disrespect destroy more than the relationship between the two of you.

Yes tell her before others explaining this as a sign of respect. But make sure you go public shortly after so that if she chooses to be vandictive you have the ability to share the news instead of having it ruined for you.

You are not only marrying him you are marrying a father, you are officially becoming a step mother which means that she is going to be in your life until you die or until you divorce your husband to be. You can be the bigger person and always act like an adult and have strong communication while staying very polite even if you disagree with her. It is very hard to keep acting immature and resentful if you know a person is a really good person and your child will benefit from it.

I had my first child at 20 years old we split up three months after I got pregnant. He got a new GF pregnant and had another daughter 2 years an one month after my daughter was born. I had choices, I did not want him in my life romantically so my choice was do I work with this new woman as we do share a very common bond or do I create a wall. I choose to be very nice and we ended up best friends. They did not stay together so it is a good thing we became friends as our children still have a relationship and it is all because of how we both carried ourselves in the begining. I would do anything for her and I know she would do the same for me.

The best thing for all of you is to tell her in a very respectful way. Ask her what role she would like you to play in her daughters life as you want to support her parenting style to make life very consistant in both houses for her daughter. If you enter into the communication very calm stay calm even if she gets angery and emotional and show her your intentions are good she might leave angery but if you stay on this path I can promise you as long as you have to talk it is hard to not see the good and come around.

I hope she is a great of a lady as I was blessed to have in with my babies daddies momma... :)

Jo - posted on 07/08/2012

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Well, I'm not sure who Tiara has a great relationship with, the ex or the 3 year old but in any case, I think it would be courtesy for the ex to be made aware so that the 3 year old has adequate emotional support for her new life change. That being said; your fiance has an ex and a three year old and you've been dating for over a year. I wish you all the happiness but I hope you also have adequate emotional support. Your boyfriend seems to move in and out of relationships rather quickly.

Tricia - posted on 07/08/2012

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yes you should - if only to keep good comunication with her and minimise any bad feeling in order that his he can keep a regular relationship with his daughter - wouldnt you like to know before a 'friend' told you

Felecia - posted on 07/08/2012

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oh, but it is her businesses, HELLO, she's gonna b step-mother 2 her child!!!

Felecia - posted on 07/08/2012

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Yes. (that way she will feel connected,& it gives her time 2 get her feelings 2gether 2 b able 2 swallow dat big pill),... CONGRATULATIONS!

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2012

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It's really none of her business honestly. It affects her in no way at all, so she shouldn't be on some special list to know before everyone else. I'd mean to sound crude, but that's the facts as you have stated them. Let her know in due time when everyone else finds out.

Reba - posted on 07/08/2012

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Yes, you should tell her ahead of time. If the relationship between your fiance and his ex is not good, letting her here it from someone else will make it worse. If it is good, she might be offended that you didn't tell her before going public.

If the three of you have a good relationship, it would be appropriate and nice to invite her to the wedding. Remember, this woman will now be a part of your life also. Keep the lines of communication open and friendly.

Susan - posted on 07/08/2012

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She didn't say that she and the EX had a great relationship. She and the CHILD have a great relationship. Several people think she means she and the exwife have a great relationship. NOT

Alex - posted on 07/08/2012

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She'll probably want to know before you tell your boy friend's daughter. That way all of you can respond appropriately when she asks about what it means to her. It will also make it easier for your husband's ex when other people find out, but again, the three year old's understanding and the acceptance from the people around her about your engagement need to come first.

Suzette - posted on 07/08/2012

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Well, in reading the many replies, I see that most people understand that it is important to be respectful. Again, I am not just an ex but also a second wife , and I will say emphatically that being the second wife is never as special or magical as being the first, especially if there were children from the first marriage. The first marriage is the true head-over-heels-in-love match, while the second is more of a "I-have-failed-but-let's-make do" and " I do not want to be alone" marriage. And my step-kids do not like me, never will, and their mother is "perfect"! I sometimes feel that I am nothing but a sex partner for my new hubby. Sorry, it's been a bad night and I know that "second wife" will always mean "second best."

Tifany - posted on 07/08/2012

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We told both of our exes we were getting married and they both had a lot of drama in response we tried to be courtious but i def would not do it again .... Same response was given when we advised them I was expecting our son .....

Tifany - posted on 07/08/2012

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We told both of our exes we were getting married and they both had a lot of drama in response we tried to be courtious but i def would not do it again .... Same response was given when we advised them I was expecting our son .....

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2012

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Your hubby to be should tell her just to be respectful and keep the peace. Congrats on your engagement!!

Shannon - posted on 07/08/2012

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You dont have to tell her before but you do need to let her know, especially if you are planning on having the daughter be involved in the wedding.

Shannon - posted on 07/08/2012

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You dont have to tell her before but you do need to let her know, especially if you are planning on having the daughter be involved in the wedding.

Cindy - posted on 07/08/2012

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I would have him tell her before she finds out another way. It will help keep the peace and it is the appropriate thing to do. It is just a decent formality, IMO. Best of everything to you and yours! Congrats

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