Should we tell his ex we're marrying?

Vicki - posted on 07/08/2012

Depends on there relationship...kids? ARE THEY CIVIL l

Esther - posted on 07/08/2012

Definitely tell her. However you go about it, it's better to know, and for one of you (or both) to tell her, shows respect.

Agree if there is no kids, it's a non issue, where there are children it's only right.

I recently got engaged, and I have two children, so I took initiative and told their father, I want him on board, not making it more difficult :)
(Plus, this way, he may even take the children for a whole week so I can have a honeymoon lol)

Christine - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes, please tell the ex......my ex didn't even officially tell me when he started dating her (and bringing her around our kids) let alone tell me they were getting married! My children had to be the ones that told me and I thought that was a really bad way to handle it. Even his own attorney (yes we weren't officially divorced yet) didn't know! I asked him if he wanted to meet the guy that I started seeing and he said he wasn't interested (this was after he was already engaged), but I had made it perfectly clear that I felt given the senitivity of our children (I have two w/special needs) that we should talk about it before we start bringing someone around the children.......he could care less what I thought. Sad, very sad.....it made the whole situation even more difficult and more emotional then it needed to be. Don't expect to be "friends" with her right away; it will take time. She may be o.k. with it, but if things are still raw you have to respect that and give her time.

DIANA - posted on 07/08/2012

that is why she is the ex....dont need her approval, she is the ex for a reason.

Tora - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes, that is the respectful thing to do for his daughter's sake. My ex got married and did not tell me until after the wedding and then only because I dreamt about it and asked him! Our daughter chose to go to a friend's wedding that day with me instead of his ceremony in Tahoe and was sworn to secrecy. It is the right thing to do, especially as they will have to co-parent this child and honesty is the best policy.

Taniqua - posted on 07/08/2012

I would vote just before you go public. Especially if you have a great relationship! I would even suggest over the phone. My ex took it as a big shock that i was moving on and it was really weird standing in his face when he was obviously struggling. But it would be a slap in the face and embarrassing to have people realize before her and mention it. Even if she is totally moved on, I think there is a little sorrow that pops up to realize that what you once thought was your future it permanently not an option any more.

Rebecca - posted on 07/08/2012

If you have a good relationship with her I say go for it! That way she will be prepared when her 3 yr old says something and believe me she will! Her daughter may ask questions about it to her mom. I think the best thing to do is tell her. Also shows your maturity and respectfulness to her as well!

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2012

The ex shud b informed because she is the adult and she can better explain to her 3 year
Old daughter if she has any questions. There shud be no secrets when childrens
Well being r in question and the child is only 3 so chances r she will have questions.

Jan - posted on 07/08/2012

Because your fiance has a daughter, I would say yes. As a mother, and a stepmother myself, I know how important it is to keep open with the other parent as best you can. You will be spending time with that child and you don't want to give the appearance of hiding anything.

Darleen - posted on 07/08/2012

If there were no child involved, I would say there's no need to tell her. Your divorced, your life is your own.
However, since there is a child involved, I think you should tell her. You are going to be connected to this woman for the next 15 - 18 years.
It would be best for the child if everyone got along as well as possible.
Best wishes and good luck ♥

Suzie - posted on 07/08/2012

No! Announce it to her the same time as everyone else. Letting her know first is allowing her to be a third party to your marriage. This could make her think she will always have that ability.

Mari - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes, it will affect the daughter and as the residential parent she need to be aware of things that will change the daughter's world. It's not for the ex, it's for the daughter's help in understanding. Good luck!

User - posted on 07/08/2012

I think your fiancé should tell her since they have a child together, and you are really just joining them as a family.

Margo - posted on 07/08/2012

YOU should not do anything, YOU should let your fiance' do the telling. Yes it is the proper thing for her to know, however it is not your place to intervene with the relationship between your fiance', his ex and their child, unless given permission to do so.

Meghan - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes! It's common courtesy, and she is owed that basic respect to know her ex is getting married and solidifying your role long term in her daughter's life- this will make you the stepmom, and she should know that well beforehand! As should the child! The little girl should be prepared long before the marriage happens, so it is a smoother transition for all. When you date/marry someone with a child, there are extra considerations that need to be made outside of just the two of you. This will also set the tone for a lifetime of unavoidable, future interactions with the mother- and you want it to be a good one. This will be especially difficult if the mother is not yet moved on or married. Good luck.

Marianna - posted on 07/08/2012

Why can't she find out along with everyone else it's good the two of you get along and they have a child together but, it's not like you all are having the wedding tomorrow. I say no I may be wrong but, if she do find out before everyone the child might have told then you might comment on it.

Amy - posted on 07/08/2012

yes! It is respectful to let a former spouse know, and give her time to prepare and grieve.

Sharon - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes. you dnt want to destroy youe friendship and you be helping to raise her daughter so that's out of respect

Cameka - posted on 07/08/2012

Dont worry he should have already mentioned the wedding to her.

Mary - posted on 07/08/2012

Hi Tiara,

First of all, Best Wishes to you and your fiancee'. Secondly,since you have a great relationship with her, its important for you to keep that and allow your fiancee' to tell her first. The best time is once you tell your families, Don't wait for a formal announcement to be made b/c she may become resentful finding out through a formal announcement that could mess up a great relationship you have now.
Good Luck and again,
Best wishes on your nupitials!

Catherine - posted on 07/08/2012

Tell her. Hopefully she is ok with it and you would need to make sure it was ok to have her daughter at your wedding. I wouldn't invite her. Too awkward. My ex wouldn't let my kids come to my wedding because it was out of state. We had to cancel because I want them there. Good luck to you. Hopefully she takes the news well. Unfortunately in these situations you never know how someone will take it

Jennifer - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes. I was extremely upset when my ex got married and didn't tell me. I had to find out from his hairdresser! I agree that honesty is the best policy and she deserves to know before the general public.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

Yes you should. Honesty will always be the best policy.

Tracie - posted on 07/08/2012

Because you have a good relationship with her, I would tell her. I think she would appreciate it and it will show respect. If there was no daughter involved, I don't think it would be necessary. You don't want to damage the relationship. It couldn't make things awkward and put an avoidable strain in your marriage.

Christine - posted on 07/08/2012

You mention that .. Your fiancé spends as much time with his daughter as his ex allows. Do they have a parenting plan in place? If not and she gets her feelings hurt there could be trouble! Also just a thought she may get jealous of the relationship you have withher daughter, before you were daddy's girlfriend not a fixture in his life. Wether or not you have a good relationship his ex should be told first by him!

Kellie - posted on 07/08/2012

You two have a great relationship, you say -- your best bet in keeping it that way is to let her know, and YES, before it becomes public. Imagine everyone coming to her -- other than hearing it straight from you (or your boyfriend) -- after they are all "in the know" -- and all the emotions attached to that. Embarrassment, anger, confusion (what does this mean for my child, etc.) and possible betrayal that she wasn't in the know first. If she knows first, when others go to her with WHATEVER motive to "see how she is doing", at least she can be a little prepared having the info beforehand.

She may still have "concerns", but in the long run, she cannot argue that you kept her from any important info that affects her child's life. Don't give her something "legit" to be upset with you about (keeping secrets that ultimately affect her child's life.)

Shelly - posted on 07/08/2012

Absolutely you should. While some of the commenters are right and this is your business to handle as you wish, your man and his ex share a child. Respecting that parenting relationship and allowing the mom to process the new marriage and how it may affect the child is not only courteous, but it will help your future relationship with her since you will be the step-mom. It is important for the child that the two families get along and no matter what the behavior of this woman has been at any point, you do right by that child by trying your best in every circumstance to build a positive relationship with this woman.

Ronnale - posted on 07/08/2012

the truth is always the best......

Kristin - posted on 07/07/2012

we didn't tell my husband's ex wife. he said there was no reason too.

i've been married to my husband for about a month but we've been together for four years. she cheated on him with several men and became pregnant while still married and that lead to the divorce. for the first 2 years, she hated me because the kids liked me sooooo much, but eventauly she was fine with me.

well, when we got engaged, we didn't say anything to her. i know she noticed my ring because i caught her staring at it while talking to her one day.
when we set a date, i asked if we should tell her. he said no and that she will just find out on her own. i didn't think that was right, but hey, it's his ex not mine.

when i went shopping for my wedding dress, my soon to be step daughter came with me and my mom. when she went back to her mom's, she asked where we went shopping. when my step daughter said "david's bridal", his ex just said "o, did she find a dress?"

then when we put the announcement in the news paper, she questioned my step daughter about something we had in it.

when my husband asked if we could have the kids on june 2nd, she assumed that was the wedding date and said yes.

if it was me, and i had a child with an ex, i would appreciate them letting me know if they were getting married. so i say, yes, you should give her a heads up.

Suzette - posted on 07/07/2012

True !

Molly Ann - posted on 07/07/2012

Absolutely, tell her! She is the biological mother and will be part of the child's life forever. The friendlier you make it for her, the easier it will be on the child. And the happier you will be with your new husband. Let us know how you do.

Meryl - posted on 07/07/2012

Good Idea

Suzette - posted on 07/07/2012

My goodness; why would you not? It would be extremely disrespectful and rude not to. Check out etiquette sites on line, and they are clear: the first husband or wife should be told first. When I re-married I did not do so and my ex-husband was offended and hurt to hear the news on the golf course from a neighbour. I admit I was rude and I regret it. Sorry to all second wives, (and I am a second wife as well), but the first wife is usually the mother of the children and there is a history of love and family that cannot be ignored and should be respected. (To be honest, if I had known that "second wife" was actually a synonym for "second-place" in my specific relationship, I would never have re-married. His adult children tolerate me but that is about the extent of it. Over time he has come to side with them. Wish I had stayed single! But that is another thread.)

Sandra - posted on 07/07/2012

If you all have a great relationship, I think that you should let her know as it may affect her one way or another. Also keep in mind how that will affect the relationship. Now, if she has someone in her life, then it may not matter for her, but I still believe that she should know first. Good luck!!

Kirsten - posted on 07/07/2012

Yes. The mother of his child is in his life as long as his child is and should be treated as a part of your family. She is. It may not be happy now but she did bring the love of your life his child. The more you treat her with respect and deference the more likely it is that she will become an ally and possibly even a friend.

Janice - posted on 07/07/2012

If you have a good relationship with her, then there should be no fear to tell her. It's best she hear it from the two of you instead of second hand, it could jeopardize the relationship if you don't tell her.

Beth - posted on 07/07/2012

My ex informed me that he was getting remarried (to his second wife) and I only met her the once. On his next visit he asked what my thoughts were of her - said none as I'd only met her the once, so couldn't form an opinion on her. On the same visit when I was in the kitchen sorting something out - he started talking to the two eldest about them being bridesmaids at his wedding. Then when I came back in - oh and by the way don't want you or the youngest at the wedding. Answer to that was a) you should have consulted me about the girls being bridesmaids first and b) the two youngest wouldn't be going if the youngest was going to be excluded as the girls hadn't had any contact with his family for a while (over a 18 months at this point roughly). Also I knew that my ex wouldn't be able to keep an eye on my girls as he would be too busy getting married and then enjoying himself at the reception.

Certainly I was thankful that my ex did inform me, but not the way that he went around including two of the girls, but excluding the third. I could understand why he may not have wanted me at his second wedding, but he'd not thought it clearly through as he was getting married about 4 hours drive away from where I live, would have had to think about where the girls were going to stay and transport issues. Which he didn't seem to think about. If my girls had had more contact with his family and he was going to include all three of the girls then I may have considered it.

Certainly keeping his ex in the loop would be the best thing to do - from him. Then comes the decision about how involved his daughter is in the wedding and inviting her Mum - that way she knows that she is welcome to attend. From what you've said there is a good relationship between the three of you so keep working on it.

Kate - posted on 07/07/2012

NO.........if you listen to Dr. Laura. If there are children, you are not suppose to be dating nor getting married. It's very confusing to kids.

Missie - posted on 07/07/2012

common courtesy would have you tell her before she heard it from someone else. That courtesy and a little empathy will go a long way to making co-parenting a lot easier.

Cindy - posted on 07/07/2012

I invited my former mother & brother-in-law to my wedding. I thought it was best because she is a loving grandma and thought she would feel more welcome to our new family & my new in-laws since they would also be sharing my son. I was a wise choice for us all.

Rachael - posted on 07/07/2012

yes because it will affect her and could possible affect custody of the child and it's just a nice thing to do so that she doesn't have to hear it from someone else.

Georgene - posted on 07/07/2012

Yes. Your boyfriend and his ex will always have a relationship because of their daughter. As a girlfriend and soon to be wife you need to support your partner, just as he should support you. Get into pre-marital counseling. This will help you ask and get answers to all the question you are afraid to ask or don't know enough to ask. It can't hurt and most importantly will help you and your future step daughter's relationship together.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/07/2012

I'd say mention it to her before going public

Fay - posted on 07/07/2012

Yes i think it would be the right thing to do you have a great relationship so there should be no problem in letting her know,if you don't tell her first your relationship may suffer good luck. x

Cindy - posted on 07/06/2012

Absolutly, put yourself in her shoes. If her daughter is going to be living with you 50% of the time, she should be informed and hopefully give you her blessings.

Sherri - posted on 07/06/2012

Yes it will affect their daughter and that makes it her business.

Mama - posted on 07/06/2012

Yes you should tell her because this affects her daughter so that makes it her business.

Samantha - posted on 07/06/2012

If you get along then I would out of respect for her....i told my ex before I married my husband

Alexandra - posted on 07/06/2012

yes, i think you should.

Kathleen - posted on 07/06/2012

yes, only as a courtesy as she is the mother of his child, a kindness now may bring great rewards in due course as in reciprication if your fiance should be told something important that affects his daughter in her life with her mother.