Should your husband defend you, no matter if he agrees with your view?

Maria - posted on 08/15/2012 ( 79 moms have responded )

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My husband will not defend me or my son. He adopted my oldest when we married, his parnts don't treat him the same as the other two we have together. They bought school supply's, cloths, and 2 pairs of shoes for the younger two. My oldest got one pair shoes and pens and paper. Also my husband got a pair of shoes. I asked why? they had to use the buy one get one 1/2 off. So why didn't they just get him another pair...they didn't know what he would wont....why not get them and he can take them back....
This sparked a big argument
We hav had this ussue for years. We have been seperated and I am really tired of him not understanding my issue. or my feelings on the matter. My kids should be treated the same no matter what. He chose to be his father and his parents should respect it. But I feel like I am defending my son every holiday or birthday to get fair treatment. While my husband ignores the issue and says I over react.
My son and other kids are getting to ages where they can see whats happening. My oldest will be 18 soon. He's a wonderful kid.
This is not the only issue with my soon to be x-husband. And one I am sure I won't win. I am letting it go for the fact my husband will never defend me for any reason.

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Lillie - posted on 08/16/2012

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I dealt with this when we adopted our daughters at the ages of 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. My in-laws favored the baby over the toddler. One evening, they were visiting us from out of state. My 2 1/2 year old tried to crawl up on her grandpa's lap. He pushed her down and said "You aren't my baby. X....x is my baby.", then scooped the 1 1/2 year old up and held her in his lap! I went ballistic!
We had a 2 story house and their suitcases were in our bedroom upstairs. I went up the stairs, opened the window, took off the screen, threw their luggage out on the lawn, replaced the screen, closed the window and went back downstairs. I then informed them that they had to leave my house and NOT return until they could treat my children the same. They left in tears. Two months later, they called, begging to visit. They treated my daughters the same from that moment on! Situation resolved!
Now, my daughters are grown, I'm remarried and my husband and I now have a son. My sister-in-law acts as though our son doesn't exist. She lavishes praise & gifts on my husbands daughter from a previous marriage. My husband refuses to have anything to do with his sister and she's not included in our family plans. He has informed her that she has both a nephew and a niece and if she can't treat them equally, she won't see either.
She calls his daughter and tells her horrible things and makes up lies about us. My son now realizes how she is and refuses to call her "Aunt". He told her she's not his aunt... she's only his sister's. He's fine with her ignoring him. He has a very strong self-image and has other "aunts" and "uncles" (friends of our that adore him).
Stand your ground! Don't let your children be treated badly by anyone!

Sally - posted on 08/16/2012

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On the defend thing,even if I said or did something wrong I would expect my SO to defend me in public and speak to me in private, the same as I would for him. Where my children were concerned I would not allow anyone to treat them differently and I would expect support. Id be the one dealing with all the sibling fighting etc. I would hate it if one of mine felt left out. So you are very right in how you feel.

[deleted account]

Yes dear, your husband should defend you always, unless, you have done someone or something wrong. And in this case, you have done no person wrong. Yes, a spouse should stand up and support their mate. Sometimes men are blind to their parents faults, and favor their parents' points of view over their wives, kind of like the times when a man demands that his pregnant wife, allow his mom to come into the delivery room, just because the wife's mom is there This is a common complaint that wives tell about.

Don't listen to people who say you are wrong. You are absolutely right, and I applaud you for you strength and motherly sense. The grandparents should not be so cold in their response to your older child. A loving set of grandparents, should be able to see when they hurt or reject a child, whether he is their blood grandchild or not. And if they don't want to budge in favor of fairness for your older child, then you must turn a cold shoulder to their sending of gifts. Your child's self esteem is at stake here. If you don't look out for your child, who will?

And you probably feel in your gut, that you are right. If possible,speak to the grandmother and tell her that even though the other two are her blood grands, that you also have a child that needs love and that he sees it when the blood children receive things. Just ask her to stop sending or giving the other two things. Tell her that your child has feelings and that your responsibility is to the love and care of all of your children and that she would not like it if she had a child when she married and her husband rejected that child.

I feel like I am the last person in the world who believes in fairness and will stand up to my husband and inlaws when they hurt me or my children. Many women shake in fear of this, not me.

Denikka - posted on 08/15/2012

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To answer your original question, no. A husband should NOT defend his wife/partner and/or child/ren, no matter what, irregardless of circumstances, etc.
What he SHOULD do is defend them when it is right. Defend them against unfair treatment. Defend them against danger when it's possible.
Your husband should be defending you and your children against his parent. What they are doing is unfair and likely to cause rifts in the family. Unfortunately, it's common in most families I think. Especially when it's a single child who is the *outsider*.

Lacye - posted on 08/16/2012

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In this instance, yes he should have defended you and your children. He is the one that decided to take your oldest on as his own child and he should step up to his parents and tell them that your son is his son as well.

But as for defending his wife on everything, it would depend on the situation. If the wife is completely wrong, then no.

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Nicole - posted on 10/09/2012

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Alice Moore: What you said about these being biases, are completely true. Personally, I do think it is *very* sad, they're not acting like adults, how are your kids not their cousins? Because a piece of paper isn't there to enforce it? My heart goes out to you & your kids, there *are* people out there who know how to behave and treat one another with respect and courtesy. Who love their family members despite the circumstance of their birth. I know I already said this to the OP, (Original Poster,) but if there is any way you can take yourself and your children out of this situation, then calmly sit down and your feelings out ... really sorting through what is bothering you exactly about the situation, eventually leading up to the inevitable conversation with the involved so-called adults who are wondering why you haven't come a calling to visit or answering their phone calls. Remaining calm and being an advocate for your children will guide you through this, if you choose to do so, most and best of luck to you, I know how difficult raising a child with ADHD can be.

Alice - posted on 10/09/2012

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I also clearly have this problem with my common law spouse. I think the fact that he is not a husband on paper excempts him from treating my children like his own. He does try, but my daughter has ADHD and my son is showing signs of it as well, which as he says makes it hard from him to put his name on it. How rude and discouraging is that.... There are many fights over this, my kids love him so much and crave his attention. His bio son is gifted and very very smart. The mil and other family members on his side only invite his son to their house for alone visits and overnights. However, we are often invited as a family without any issues. The children of his brothers and sisters stress that his son is their cousin, and my children will be their cousins when we get married. I have asked why his family does not take my children; I understand that my children are different, they are harder to contol. I put it into prayer and hope that one day these biases will be lifted. We have been together for 4 years. I feel in my heart that god will work it out for us. I love him and his family very much, but it is easier to help the kids understand how people are why they do what they day... as I can not protect them from this harsh cruel world forever... forcing ones to change their ways, who are closed minded takes much longer. I don't even think that they know what they do is wrong.... sad really...

Nicole - posted on 10/08/2012

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There's no way that you can show favoritism for one grandchild and not the other, regardless of the child's circumstances of birth. This is a pity and a shame. My daughter is ten & her future stepfather's parents, (my S.O.) have done *everything* to make her feel loved & welcomed. I'm sometimes worried that will change when we have another child, (2-3 years from now,) but I doubt it, they're incredibly wonderful people who *know* how to open their hearts. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, it's heartbreaking for you, I'm sure. I really like Jennifer Meabon's suggestion, if you can go through with it, I know it sounds / seems harsh... and then there's the consideration of your husband... (soon to be ex-husband?,) to deal with as well, how he would react to your cutting his parents out of the kids life until they get with the program, but this kind of behavior should *not* be tolerated. :( Best of luck to you & your young ones, eventually they'll be grown and know they had at least one parent in their corner & rooting for them!

Mischellene - posted on 10/07/2012

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that is why he is becoming your x by the sounds of it. The children will make there own minds up and will think the same, and if you don't say anything around them then the only person they will blame will be there father and his parents ask yourself this. who do they turn to when there is a problem and you will have your answer. don't let your husband walk all over you, you r there mother and what matters most that you treat them equal and the love and respect they feel for you will never be on deaf ears like it is with your husband. stay civil with your husband, he decided to take you and your son on and that will always come as a package no matter whether you had more children together. it will be his loss because trust has to be earned by anyone not just children.

take care

Jennifer - posted on 10/05/2012

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through the exact same thing with my husband's parents when our boys were small. My husband and I came into the relationship each with a 3 year old. We had the boys full time together and did everything to be an intact family. They were as close as any two brothers could be, they called us mommy and daddy etc. My parents were great about being fair to both boys but his parents were not. I will never forget when the boys had their bikes stolen from in front of our place when they were 6 years old. The next week his parents brought over a brand new bike for my stepson and my son got to watch. It was horrific. This was after we had talked to them about fair treatment. There excuse; my son had two sets of grandparents already and my stepson only had them. Well, what they obviously didn't take note of was that my parents and my ex's parents gave my stepson everything they gave my son. Anyway, long story short, we cut them out completely. We told them that they either got with the program or we would not be talking to them any further. That lasted 6 months and his mom finally called me up and asked me to breakfast. We had a long and very good talk. Ever since that day, they have always treated them equal. The boys are now 19 years old and they love all their sets of grandparents and their grandparents love them.

Ann - posted on 10/02/2012

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I quite understand how you feel, my daughter had the same problem, I think that your husband should defend you and your son, he should treat your son the same as he does your other children, and I can see why he will soon be your ex, and I think his parent's should treat all your children the same no matter what, it is not your son's fault, I think it is cruel how he is being treated, If your husband had really loved you I think that thing's would have been different,he should have said to his parent's to treat your son the same as the other's, because they are all family, hope everything go's ok for you xxx

Sharice - posted on 10/01/2012

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@Melissa, I'm sorry but you are missing the point here. I am sure the mother buys her kids things, but the parents are choosing to buy this stuff for the kids and not being fair in how they are handling it.

Alyssa - posted on 09/30/2012

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You can't make your inlaws love or even like your oldest child. And kids, even at very young ages, can learn the lesson that not everyone is treated equally. You can ask for equality, you can even stomp your feet and demand it, but that doesn't mean you are going to get it. I'm sure your eldest son is smart and a simple, honest conversation is all that is needed in order to keep his feelings and your emotions together.



Inlaws in general are strange creatures. They do insane, bizzar, and crazy things. At the same time they also made the person you love. Obviously you would like your husband to defend you and your son. I get it, and I would want the same things. However - whats it worth? Don't let your inlaws poor judgement and disrespect ruin an otherwise decent marriage.

Shawn - posted on 09/29/2012

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I've heard, read and know people who should not be involved with someone who has children from a previous relationship, and your husband sounds like one of these, at least in this instance. Is he good with them at home or does he treat them differently too? Or does he try to make up for it at home with your son? You can't force people to change, you can't make your husband change and he can't make his parents change. You are seeing this for yourself and maybe he already realizes it when it comes to his parents.

I am talking to you from experience, only you're lucky, see my parents treat my children like they are second thoughts compared to the way they treat my sisters' children. I even had to explain to my youngest son when he was 12 at my dad's funeral why my side of the family treated them differently. Not so much my dad, he was actually my stepdad, but my mom. She barely registered my sons at the funeral and when she was giving the grandchildren things that were important to my dad she completely skipped over my sons. I know he was their step grandpa, but he was there long before they were born and is the only one they know. Fact is no matter how much I would yell and scream at her she wasn't going to change. Still hasn't, but my children know why even if they don't really understand. If my 12 year old can comprehend that it is not something he did wrong but that there is something wrong inside of her, then I am sure that your 18 year old can. It would be terrible to tear a marriage apart over something that outsiders do.

Kaitlyn - posted on 09/29/2012

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This is precisely why people should not marry people when they already have children from another relationship. You cannot control other people and their feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc. Not everyone is going to "feel" the same about adoption. Your soon to be ex chose to marry you and adopt YOUR son. His parents DID NOT make this choice. Yes, that sucks and sounds harsh, but it is what it is! You can't make them love your son. The fact that they bought him stuff too, shows that they are not evil, rude, spiteful people. If they were, they wouldn't have bought him a single thing. I think you are reading too much into the situation and creating drama. I agree with other posters that stated that buying for a teenager is different than buying for younger children. You cannot always compare the number of items to the actual amount spent. So what, your teen got only one pair of shoes. He got a pair of shoes. That's all that matters. You should be teaching your children to be thankful and grateful for the things they receive from you and others, not to compare how much they each got and who got more. That mentality is what is wrong with people today. You are doing your children a huge disservice by showing them that this behavior is okay. Life is not always fair. All you are doing is showing them that people owe them stuff, when in reality, NO ONE owes them anything. Not even you!

Cherie - posted on 09/29/2012

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I agree with Bobbie Hodges. Buying for teens is not the easiest thing to do - and while yes, they could get him a gift card or something, a pair of shoes for teens costs the same as 2 or 3 pairs for younger children. The same with clothing. Could they have maybe asked for a school supply list? Perhaps, but they shouldn't be shunned for not thinking of things your way. Appreciate that they even help you out financially at all - which frees up some money on your end to take your 18 year old out and get him his expensive jeans and hoodies and tshirts from more expensive stores. So many people don't have the luxury of any sort of help - and as long as his parents TREAT the 18 year old with respect and kindness, for you to be so angry over material things is ridiculous. IF they treat him crappy on top of the items, then I could see your anger being justified. I grew up with step-grandparents that treated me VERY differently from her 2 biological grandkids and while yes, I would get clothes for holidays that were VERY ugly - I know they made an effort to buy them at a store that I liked - while my step brothers got a Nintendo. I understood the 8 and 10 year gaps in our ages - and to this day I appreciate the effort that they made as I know that they treated me nicely - although far from the same as they treated their own bio grandkids. If your son has resentment towards these people, it sounds like it possibly could stem from your continued reactions to your in-laws. Sometimes you gotta "Pick-your-gripe", especially if you want to be heard. I didn't see any thanks mentioned in your question above and I have the feeling that may be the only side that the in-laws have ever felt from you.

Tracy - posted on 09/25/2012

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WOW, It's good to hear someone else having the same issues that I have been experiencing for the last 15 years! My husband came into my sons life when he was 2 and has been the only father he knows. We had 2 more children and its so noticeble that my oldest is treated differently by him and his family. I am looking at divorce becasue it has put such a strain on our marraige. I am constantly defending him to my husband, I don't tell him things becasue I am afraid of what he will think of him and I am just tired of it all. It will never get better so the only thing left is divorce. My son is such a good kid and it seems no matter what he does he finds wrong.

I am sorry you are going through this becasue I know how much it hurts!

Good luck!

Sophie - posted on 09/25/2012

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My sister went through a similar situation with her two children. Her husband is the bio dad of her youngest child and step parent to eldest child. Whenever his good friend would come over he would bring a small gift (chocolate bar or other) to the youngest son but not for the eldest. My sister would insist that the youngest share his gift to be fair. After some arguing SHE finally had to tell the friend that although she appreciated the fact that he brought gifts for her youngest, to please stop doing so unless he was willing to treat both children equally. You are right, at one point the children will see that they are being treated differently and as adults your in-laws and husband should have enough sense to see just how hurtful their treatment of your son can be.

Logan - posted on 09/25/2012

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I think your husband should always defend you and your son. He chose to adopt him so he should love and protect him just like his other kids. I have gotten mad at my boyfriend before for taking someone elses side if i got in an argument so i know it has to be hard for you and making you really mad because no matter what a mother will always be there to protect her child so no matter how bad they treat him you make sure he knows that the people who are truly impirtant in his life love him.

Loni - posted on 09/25/2012

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In this particular situation, yes, he should defend not really you, but his adopted son. An adopted child is no different than a biological child.

Doreen - posted on 09/24/2012

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You should have given him an ultimatum the first time he let your son be treated unfairly. Also the parents should have been taken to task the first time they showed favoritism. It would have saved you years of unhappiness and maybe you would have found a "man" secure enough to love a little boy unconditionally.

Diana - posted on 09/24/2012

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I can tell you that I was the adopted child and was treated the same way by my adopted dad's father (Pappy). My bio dad passed away when I was 2. My mom met & married my adopted dad who adopted me when I was 3. He treated me like one of his own (He had several grown children with families of their own.) then along came my younger brother & sister. My Pappy lived about 1/2 a mile from us & used to visit fairly often. When he did he usually gave my dad a dollar for each of the 3 of us. My dad never gave us the money until after Pappy left then the next time we would visit, dad would tell us to say "Thank You" to Pappy for the dollar. It wasn't until years after my dad passed away (He died from cancer when I was 11.) that my mom's mom (Grammy) told me what my dad used to do. Pappy only gave $2; one for my brother & one for my sister. After the first time or 2 that Pappy pulled that stunt my dad wouldn't let him give it to us directly because it singled me out. He didn't think that was right because he told my Grammy that I was as much one of his kids as the rest of them were, so he used to add a an extra dollar for me and tell me that it was from Pappy. No wonder Pappy used to look so confused when I would thank him for the dollar. LOL.



I commend you for sticking up for your son. Your kids are all getting older now and you could handle it one of a few ways. 1.) You could start refusing the gifts completely stating that they are all to be treated equally period. 2.) You could request that they only get gift cards or money to make sure that they are all treated fairly. 3.) If the kids are noticing the difference in treatment you use it as a learning experience by explaining to the children that sometimes not all grown-ups realize that their actions may hurt someone else's feelings. Then let the kids draw their own conclusions and come up with a solution that makes them feel better. Ask them how they would feel if they were put into a situation similar to their brother's & what they think would be a good way to handle it. Sometimes kids will surprise you. It could be a good way to knit the 3 of them closer by encouraging them to look out for one another.



I can tell you that knowing my brother & sister they probably would have either shared their money so that we would all have equal amounts or they would have given it back kindly saying "thank you", but we can't take it because it wouldn't be fair for us to have something and not our sister. Looking back as a mother now my brother & sister have surprised me & warmed my heart on many occasions. After our father passed away our lives weren't great, we had very little money, but the one thing that we always did was stick up for each other and watch out for each other. When our mother passed away 14 years after our dad we argued over her belongings while cleaning out her house; "I'll take it if you don't want it." Then the next would reply, "No, I don't want if if you want it." "Are you sure? Because if you want it, I want you to have it." What a change from what you usually hear. Don't get me wrong, we definitely fought with each other growing up, but the code was "I may fight with my siblings, but you had better not try to hurt them because they are MY family & only I treat them like crap." LOl.

Amanda - posted on 09/24/2012

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To Melissa Starks, If the grandparents want to help why would you refuse? Yes it's the parents job like you said but if other people offer you dont become a bad parent for accepting ... My mom takes my child every weekend as well as I haven't bought a single thing for her cause all my friends have other kids and gave me there kids clothes. Having help is nothing to be ashamed of.

Georgina E. - posted on 09/22/2012

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God for you, ou are a woderful mother, I had the same experienc with my first grandson, stillis happning , but his mom doesn' react as you did , that make me sad, I know my gson hadn't a happy life but he never wants o leave him mom, Ijust ave to watch for him as much as I can, and my others kids are also watching over him as much as they can, then good for you good mother!

Sandra De - posted on 09/21/2012

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i had the same problem and my son will be 20 in November. i have just found his bio father after 20 yrs of searching and all of this just as my husband as begun to accept my son. i have just told him about me finding my sons bio father and he actually took it well. i was worried but relieved. the bio father never knew about his son but is very happy that he can now be a part of his life. u should never settle for anyone that is not willing to stand up for u. i almost gave up but my hubby never ill treated me that is why i hung in there. good luck.

Morgan - posted on 09/18/2012

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I am a firm believer that marriage is a partnership & you as a couple need to present a united front to your children, parents, and anyone else outside of the two of you. If there is something you disagree on, it should be settled between the two of you so you each know where the other stands, and be able to stand by your partner in any situation.



I started seeing my spouse while pregnant with another man's child. I have been very blessed in that he has never treated my daughter in any way other than he would his own. I grew up with that kind of mis-matched treatment in my household and it would be a deal breaker for me. My spouse, as well as his entire extended family know that our oldest is to be treated the same as all of the other children.



Kudos to you for defending your children and expecting your husband to do exactly the same. Gr

Aylin - posted on 09/18/2012

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No Maria! You are not wrong! You are doing the right thing for your kids and your husband is not mature enough to understand all the damage that he AND HIS PARENTS are causing to your oldest kid. I'm actually in the middle of something similar and have been thinking about the same solution, to divorce my husband cause once the "family" don't respect and treat you the same, nothing will ever be the same :( You will see that you will have the strengh to have your kids on your own! Good Luck!!!

Melissa - posted on 09/18/2012

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Yes he should thats part of what a marriage is about. if u defend him he should do the same

Christy - posted on 09/18/2012

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I think he should defend you when the situation arrises where you are right (like this) and there is no argument for why you might be 'wrong". My brother and I have different dads but my brother's dad passes away when he was only 2, before I was born. Even when my brother's dad was alive, my dad adopted him to make him his legal father before my parents got married. With that in mind, I didn't know this until I was almost a teenager, and it really didn't bother me at all because we didn't know different and my brother had always known. I felt my brother was actually treated "better" than me in most circumstances. Growing up my brother got fourwheelers, dirt bikes, a truck ON his 16th birthday. I had very active grandparents in my life, but they treated my brother better than all the grandkids. He was able to move into their house once my parents told him to move out because they caught him with drugs, they still allowed him to stay once he got married and had a child. They also had a mobile home next to their house they bought once the man who lived there passed away, and they allowed my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew to live over there for a short period of time (before things started breaking because it was old) but refused to allow any other grandchild over there. It was quite the opposite for me, although I wasn't treated bad by any means...but my "gifts" and surprises were much less than that of my brothers. Needless to say, my circumstances with my brother and your circumstance are the complete opposite. However, my brother passed away 3 years ago this past April and my dad (who is not his bio dad) has made rude remarks about my brother since. It has caused my family to fall apart because my sister-in-law has made VERY VERY VERY poor decisions with my nephew and also had another baby with her cousin (I'm not even lying...she is no longer accepted by my family except my grandparents so they can see my nephew). My whole point being...your husband is not right in his decision to NOT defend you or your oldest son. My dad used to defend my brother, my mom, my family...but since has quit defending any of them, including my deceased brother. It's not right. I also have two girls and I am not with their father's. I hope that when/if I get married and have more children, my husband will treat all the children the same. My boyfriend now loves the girls, but there's nothing to compare his love for them to. I hope you can find another husband or someone to respect YOU and all 3 of your children!

Rene - posted on 09/13/2012

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Together my husband and I present a united front. If he has an issue with my view he takes it up later with me in private. Thats how it should be!

Julie - posted on 09/12/2012

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Your husband adopted your son, your husband's parents did not. Since it is your job to buy your kids school supplies, I don't think you should have made a big deal over this. After all, they did get him something... and took a lot of the burden off of you... so why demand more from people who are not obligated to do anything to begin with?



And I think for the most part a husband should defend his wife, but I think it doesn't apply to this situation. Do you think he is going to tell his parents they are wrong when he doesn't feel they are? Or say you're right when he disagrees? That doesn't make sense...



You are right about one thing--you won't win... and you shouldn't want to win in a relationship. You should want to reach an agreement. Example: his parents decide to help and buy school supplies, you find out what they won't be getting, and you and your husband buy those items. You give the kids all the items and say this is from mom/dad/grandparents. Kids are spared hurt feelings... grandparents have helped save you money on school supplies and everyone wins. Your kids see the situation because you are allowing it and in part creating it.

Steph - posted on 09/11/2012

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I have been through "sort of" the same thing. You can't change how your hubby acts or reacts to this issue, as he likely truely doesn't believe it is an issue. When this sort of thing was happening in my house, with my oldest daughter, I argued and cried and none of that worked. Finally, I made it very clear to my hubby and to his family that there would be rules to follow in the future.



If it was a holiday or a reason (like going back to school) that all of the children would be recieving gifts at the same time, I said that the gifts needed to be comparible in number and in "worth". By worth I don't mean money value, but likability. In example; if one got a skate board and the other got rollerblades I would be OK with that. But if one got a skateboard and the other got a coloring book, that would not be OK. I told them that if they didn't abide by this rule that their gifts would be refused and would not be welcomed in my house.



I told them that they could get the kids whatever they wanted to on each child's birthday, because there was no expectation for gifting to the other kids at that time. However, that would also be monitored within reason. Obviously if one of my children got a Corvette for their Birthday and the other got a bike, there would be an issue:)



This was finally the only thing that worked. My husband thought I was crazy, but he was smart enough not to cross me on this, as I was very emotionally drained from the constant issue. And if anyone did cross me on those rules, they found out the hard way. I did have to ask them to take gifts back home at least once.



The point is that you know your children and if it is bothering you, it is likely bothering them too. Furthermore, the longer that you/they allow this to occur, the bigger the divide will grow in the family. You may have a sad kid if you have to turn away a gift, however I assure you that you won't have to turn away many. Especially if you turn them away in front of everyone, while calmly explaining your reason:) It puts you back in control. And they may not like you for it, but they will not be able to respect you any less, because you are simply asking that all of your children be treated equally. Good luck to you! I remember this being stressful, but one I put my foot down, the issue faded fairly quickly.

Chris - posted on 09/07/2012

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I know @ 18 years old-my son could really care less about if my step daughter received from her grandparents. They usually come with two suitcases full of clothing and gifts for her and absolutely nothing for my son. They are very much "blood is thicker than water" people. Big time. They are nice enough to my son, that's fr sure but he is definitely not "family" in their hearts. I would not fight with him about that though. Bow if my husband brought home 2 pairs of shoes for his daughter and one pair of shoes for my son-that would be a completely different thing and I would take a stand for fairnes within my home because he is responsible to treat both kids fairly.

Ashlee Nicole - posted on 09/06/2012

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That happenend to me okay and listen honey LEAVE HIM YOU CAN DO WAY BETTER

Kim - posted on 09/06/2012

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I think in public you should always defend each other and then in private you should talk about the fact that you differ with them.

Lisa - posted on 09/06/2012

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u are totally in everyway right on being hurt and upset about this. now days mixed families is so common and every person had a different way of thinking and actions might not always be just. you and your husband started out as friends and decided to be a team in love committment companionship and intimacy. you guys can get through this. no your hubby shouldnt be siding with them in this situation but from what it sounds like you guys have been married a while and he loves your son enough to make him as his own legally. hopefully emotionally as well. dont let anyone like his parents come in between you or him. be a family his parents are now extended . if you and your husband love each other all of your children will see that and that will bring security into the home. try and see both sides yours and your husbands then talj about it when things are calm. good luck! lisa

Michelle - posted on 09/05/2012

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Amy: That's not a very helpful comment. There's no need to be nasty to someone asking a question.



There is a saying my Mother always said to me: If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

Marie - posted on 09/03/2012

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Dont let it go.I went thru the same thing. I finally spoke up to the inlaws what was bought and given to one had to be for all three or it was handed back. Ex didn't like it but who cares I got the point across

Lori - posted on 08/29/2012

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I would not tell people that your child is adopted! or one is a foster!..tell them they are ALL your children, noone needs details! I think its very rude when someone tells me there child is adopted, especially when the child is present.

Bobbie - posted on 08/27/2012

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maria,

just read your update. How awful of them. I realize now that they may suffer from that old idiotic idea about racial barriers and phobias. I am mixed too but always "passed" as they use to say. My inlaws knew me for years before it came out and now they say the rudest things sometimes like they don't have any sense at all. When I married their son I had two children from a previous marriage. Both are very light skinned, light eyed. When my MIL found out about me I could see how she looked at them more closely. She then would make comments like, well how much negro are you exactly? What a question! She is in her 80's and I think a lot of the stupidity is inbreed ignorance. I am lucky that my beautiful children were fully grown when she met them. So, please, accept my apology you are darn tootin I would be standing up for him too if I were in your shoes. You being there hopefully takes the ugly weight of hurt off his mind as to why they treat him differently.

Kim - posted on 08/24/2012

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If he wont step up why don't you? I mean that is why you have a mouth and voice use it speak up or she they will never know how you feel cuz obviously your hubby isn't gonna do it.

Alicia - posted on 08/22/2012

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My Husband adopted my oldest when she was three. She is sixteen now. I can't imagine my inlaws doing that to her. They have always treated all of my kids the same. If I were in your position, I would go directly to my inlaws and express my sadness about the situation. Its a touchy subject so you would have to choose your words wisely, but its worth a shot. Maybe they never even realized how you felt? Just some advice! :) hope thing work out for you!

Lisa - posted on 08/20/2012

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I have the same problem. Although my husband never adopted my older two, we did adopt a child together that we had placed with us through foster care. She came to us when she was 2 months old, and is now 3. No one in that family ever accepted my older two, and do not accept our adopted daughter. My older to are now 14 and 17 and just don't care anymore, they don't ever go to any family functions. I don't go either with our three your old. I will not subject her to such disrespect and my husband knows it. He doesn't say anything to them about it, but he does recognize how I feel and doesn't push me to go.

Maria - posted on 08/20/2012

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lol, yes...we should and I would....but see his parents are always handing out for him..anything to make my X's life easier. And I did have things bought for them and donated the items. Believe me I am fully on that page...they are always handing money out for something...that's why he doesn't have a concept for hard work. When mommy and daddy will help. I don't run to my parents for anything. I have 2 jobs so I don't have to run to anyone for money

DIANA - posted on 08/20/2012

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MY MOTHER IN LAW ALWAYS INCLUDE MY KIDS WHEN THEY ASK HER HOW MANY GRANDKIDS DO YOU HAVE, SO DOES MY SISTER AND BROTHER IN LAW, AGIAN THAT IS JUST HORSE CRAP, THEY MEAN PEOPLE, IF THEY HAD ADOPTED A CHILD, WOULD THEY HAVE HIM OR HER THAT WAY.....BULL ****.

Maria - posted on 08/20/2012

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considering I have tried this, my inlaws would say in front of my children "We don't want to make your mom mad" all the time, and it would be say my younger son's bday and they would buy my daughter a gift "so she wouldn't be left out" and visvera. But the older one would be left out because he's older and shouldn't feel jelous of his brother/sister bday.

DIANA - posted on 08/20/2012

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NO, YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING, HE CHOOSE TO ADOPT HIM, AND HE DEFEND HIM FROM HIS PARENTS, I THINK HIS PARENT ARE ACTING LIKE FOOLS, MY HUSBAND HAS TREATED MY KIDS LIKE HIS OWN FROM THE BEGINNING, AND HIS FAMILY IS WONDERFUL WITH MY KIDS, BETTER THAN THIER BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, WHOM DONT EVEN CALL THEM TO HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR TO SEE HOW THEY ARE , PUT THIS WAY SON DOES NOT KNOW ANY OF THEM, TO MY SON, MY HUSBAND FAMILY IS HIS FAMILY, FOR X-MAS, MY HUSBANDS MOM, BROTHER AND SISTER TREATS THEM ALL THE SAME, THEY DONT FORGET A BIRTHDAY EVER, THAT IS JUST HORSE CRAP WHAT YOUR HUSBANDS FAMILY IS DOING, UN CALL FOR, KIDS ARE KIDS ..... I THINK THEY NEED TO GROW UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

Maria - posted on 08/20/2012

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Bobbie...an update for you. This has gone on for yrs. We always had to find different sitters for my kids. My in-laws wouldn't watch my oldest along with the other two. I say my son because in fact he is my son. When my in-laws were asked how many grandkids they have he would be left of the number. For gifts through the yrs he would get $50 for his bday and another would get a new bike, toys, cloths. They spent $200 on the younger ones buying them tablets (that broke) and toys and cloths. While the oldest got $100. It makes it very funny because my brother-IL is also adopted. Except my son is 1/2 black. Now are they is why bacause he's 1/2 or because he's not my x's bio-child. They never watched his wrestling eithor, even when he went to state. I am adopted and I have never felt like this, NO. He says he it doesnt bother him, he's a easy go kid. Easiest teenager I can ask for. I don't think my kids will fully understand this until they have families. He will be graduating and in 2 months be 18. Pretty sure they wont attend.

Michele - posted on 08/20/2012

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Hell no. No wonder he is headed toward x-ville. Simply state that any gifts for the boys will be divided equally. If there isnt enough to go around, store them until you can augment the gift.

Stephanie - posted on 08/19/2012

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Andrea Zimmerman, I think your situation is different. That is a lot of kids to buy for at once. I do believe kids need to learn not every time is about them. My dad always tries to buy something for all three on birthdays, but I love how he thinks of all of them. But I want them to learn it is not always about them, and be happy your sibling was able to get what he/she wants. If family is out and about and they see something one might really like it is okay to give it to them. The next time it will be one of them. Kids have grown to be thankful, and no one ever feels the other is more important. they also have learned to think of others, and are always pointing things out that one of their siblings would want.

Andrea - posted on 08/19/2012

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I have 7 kids, two by my husband now, four from ex husband and oldest from highschool, I explained to both sets of grandparents, and husband, I will not accept that the other children will not be treated the same, if it was going to be an issue, we were not going to be together. Thankfully I did not have very much of an issue, when my two younger ones were born, my MIL now, tried to only get them things, and nothing for the older ones, I was at the store with her, I told her that she needed to get all the kids some thing or put back what she picked up, It wasn't their bdays or anything else, so they didn't need it. She told me that she wanted them to have them, I said alright here is what we are gonna do, U can buy only the two little girls this and we'll put them away until you are able to get something for the older ones or you can buy the others some thing small as well but the babies will not be treated any more special then the others. My ex mother in law buys all the kids something at once.

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