Single Guy here asking advice about dating single mom.

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Lakota - posted on 01/29/2013

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Hi, Nick. I am a single mom of two boys. I don't have 50/50 custody with their father. But, your gilrfriend does. That has to be incredibly hard for her while they are gone.

"She will say that she is volunteering to help give back, but also if she volunteers she gets special access to her kids on the weeks she does not have them." That is the issue for her. That is the reason she is not willing to change. It's a powerful thing and obviously causes her a lot of pain.

If this is something you can't/won't live with, you need to move on. I believe that she cares for you and loves you. But, I completely understand where she is coming from when she says her kids come first. They have to right now. If you can't understand that, or live with that without resenting her or the kids, it's time for you to move on.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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She wants to be active in the kids lives... this is not a bad thing in itself... so i can see how she thinks she is doing a good thing for her kids... but she HAS to have time for you... and if she doesn't , i think you need to back off until her kids are grown and out of the house... perhaps you can still be friends and when the time is right, when her life isn't so hectic you can try again.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2013

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I actually think you have a good point but I'm sure you know she's not going to budge on this!

I must say that any school or children's sports organisation who demands a 3 years commitment from someone willing to step into an unpaid, voluntary job shows colossal cheek! In the UK this just wouldn't happen! In her shoes I would prefer someone else to take the commitment but be around regularly to cheer my children in their sporting efforts.

By the way, if you have asked her to consider (from her children's point of view):

a) Mom giving up everything for them, but being single
or
b). them having a stable balance mom and step dad, that still supports them in their activities and gives them an example to follow

this isn't an unhealthy way of analysing her kids at all! It's an honest question!

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Gwen - posted on 01/29/2013

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I understand that you aren't married yet and I wouldn't do it, if I were you. You are looking for a partner, she is looking for a 'yes man'. It would be a train wreck.

Gwen - posted on 01/29/2013

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I am a single mom and I think you are being very reasonable to ask her to find a healthy balance between her children and spouse. It doesn't sound to me like she enjoys spending the extra hour with the kids each week..to me this sounds more like a) she feels guilty and is trying to prove that she loves them more than their father or b) she is a helicopter mom who has to constantly hover. Does their father act this way on his off weeks? To expect a spouse to accept all parenting decisions, without question and to the detriment of the marriage, is extremely unfair and unrealistic. She is obviously not ready to marry anyone right now.

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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i did not say wait with out seeing other people... of course nobody would expect you to wait in celebasy

Holly - posted on 01/29/2013

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perhaps you can be friends until things calm down in her life... that way you can try again when things are less hectic

Lakota - posted on 01/29/2013

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It's sad, but, true. Sorry that you may have to do that. Good luck and keep your head up. Maybe she will realize that she needs to give also.

Lakota - posted on 01/29/2013

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Yes, it sounds like it. You sound very generous considering how you two aren't married. I guess you need to figure out what you want and are willing to live with. You obviously care a great deal for her. I would hope that she would compromise. But, if it gives her a chance to spend time with her kids when it's not her time with them, I doubt it. Talk to her again, tell her your concerns, tell her what you want out of the relationship, and listen to what she wants out of it also. If there is no way that a compromise can be reached, it's time to find someone who will meet your needs.

Lakota - posted on 01/29/2013

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If you two have been together for quite a while, you have known that being this involved with her kids activities are very important to her. If you love her, why aren't you more supportive of what she feels she needs to do? If the tables were turned and it was you this involved in your kids lives, you would want and expect her to support you, right? Football season isn't the whole year as you stated. So, you can't handle her being very busy and preoccupied for 4 months with something other than you? I don't think she is the one with the problem. I think you aren't ready to take on the role of stepdad for younger kids.

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