Some one help! I need some real advice here.

[deleted account] ( 50 moms have responded )

My husband is a subset of my step father. There is only one difference between the two. This difference is my step father was (is) a child molester and my husband isn't. What they have in common is;



Step father- very controlling, contiuously insulting, verbally abusive towards my mother and her children.



My husband- very controlling, I am unable to do anything right in his eyes, and he is continuously insulting me, very verbally abusive.



I have had both of my children taken from me by his mother. They used my seizures against me and people who said they were my friends helped my husband give my children to his mother. I no longer have seizures, working on getting an education, and wanting to get a job. He doesn't like this. He hates it so much that we fight all the time. He shows nothing but disrespect towards me and so does one of my children. I am now considered a bad MOM because I will not let my 18 year old move back home (because of her disrespect, towards me). My husband is saying that I hate my daughter because I will not jump to her every need. We bought her a trailer, bought stuff furniture for her baby, paid several months of rent, pay for her car insurance, and bought her the first and second car she ever owned. All she has to say about it is 'I did not ask for it'. She is not even staying in the trailer that we bought (and paying rent on) all the babys' things are in this home and she is staying at my mother-in-laws. This means all the money we have spent has gone to waste. My husband has our income seperate, everything (including my car) in his and our daughters name. People (His family and friends) are allowed to treat me like crap and he says nothing. Yet my dumb butt stays with him. WHY? Because of our children. I know no one in this town. Every person I know lives out of state and 1000s' of miles away. This means If I were to stay with friends or family I would never see my children or grandchild. I don't think this is signs of a mother hate her child. Taking abuse everyday, staying home and knowing no one, and staying unhappy, just to be near her children. I am lost though! Everyday I feel like I need to leave. Everyday I keep trying to find a way out, but then I think about my girls. Can anyone give me some advice that might really work. Please do not say tell him how you feel. I have aalready. He does not see what he is doing is wrong. I have explained it to him forwards and backwards and still doesn't get it! HELP!

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Trish - posted on 12/12/2009

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Well, first off the problem is his not yours. He needs some serious help. If your daughter is 18 and treats you like crap, then NO she does not deserve to move back into your home. Is sounds like she has not had a chance to grow up because his family has not allowed her to. They continually provide for her, and more than likely will have to for the rest of her life (I have a sister that is in her 40's like this)! If you have worked this hard to build yourself up by educating yourself and wanting to get a job, then you need to take the next step. If it is possible move to where you have a support team! Take the remaining child with you if possible, other wise that child may possibly become the same way or have such low self esteem he/she may end up with a controlling person as well for their life mate (again another sister). I know it sounds scary and you may possibly be cutting yourself off from your child(ren) and grandchildren, but you don't want the next cycle in the abuse to become physical, mental and verbal is bad enough!

[deleted account]

Girl, do yourself a favor, have respect for youself and don't take it. I know you want to see your girls, but go to a Child Services and talk it out with them about your girls. They will probably ask if your having seizures and whatnot. Only after you get yourself situated somewhere else. Don't take the verbal abuse. You don't deserve it. I don't blame you for not wanting your daughter to move back. She is 18. Unless she gives you a valid reason to why she wants to move back in and what responsibilities she is going to have, I wouldn't let her back in anyway. You don't hate your kids if that's what they think. If you hated them, I'm sure you would have left a LONG time ago without another thought to it. But you stay because of your kids. Get out of there. Go get better.

Linda - posted on 12/12/2009

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First of all, why would you want to stay? If your not happy your kids will not be happy, he will turn them all against you. The state where you live should have a safe house you can go to and stay until you are able to get a good job and a place to live. They allow small children with you. You are God's child and no one should be treated disrespectful, ever. Do this for you, get your kids into church and get on your feet. You don't need this one more day. Get out and let your kids know how nice life can be with someone that loves them, remove the negative forces around you and you will automatically look better in their eyes. Don't say you are staying for your kids because you are not doing them justice by letting them see and perticipate in the abuse.

Julie - posted on 12/12/2009

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YOU NEED TO RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY GO!!!!
Star saving all that you can....each time he touches you, takes money from you anytime the step fatehr coems near anything that is said as an insult needs to be written down.......I would take from teh grocery bill(you can cut down on how much is spent and still make it like you have used all the money for groceries....don't tkae from biils because they CAN use that as fuel for their fire.....as soon as you can get to an shelter with what you have saved....GO, GO, Go!!!!! There is no need to live in that mess any longer & you DON'T Deserve to be abused!!!

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Stacey - posted on 01/01/2010

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I think what you need to consider is what example you are setting for your girls, by staying with a man like that. Be strong good luck.

Toyia - posted on 12/31/2009

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First of all, It is very brave of you to even mention this. Let me tell you, I have been here. It has been over 9 years now since I left. The first couple of years together were ok. Then we had our first child and things started changing with him. I think it is because he was not the one getting all of the attention anymore. He started using drugs and drinking (excessively) When I was about to leave him, I found I was pregnant with my second child. I stayed around and tried again to work it out. He made so many promises. They tell you what you want to hear and what will make you happy. They were all lies. IT never got better. He verbally attacked me, He emotionally attacked me. He slapped me, He pushed me. He stole money from me, and if I did not give it to him voluntarily, he took it and demanded it. If he was upset at night, he made me and my children go to our room and he did not want to hear a sound out of us. He belittled me, told me I was worthless. He told me I was lucky to have some one that was a good looking as him, because there was no way I could get any one else. He eventually stopped letting me talk to my family, my friends. He worked maybe 1 1/2 years out of the 7 we were together. If he called in to work, I had to call in, I am so lucky I never was fired from a job. He timed everything I did (my ride home from work, my trip to the grocery store) He wanted to know verbatem what I said on the phone if I did speak to someone. I was always a joyous smiling person. So positive and happy and out going. I lost all my friends (except my true ones). But the night he sat on top of me, and tried to strangle me, and kill me was the last straw. I waited until morning when he was passed out drunk and grabbed my children and left. I was so scared, but we made it out. I went to the police station, and filed charges against him, and he went to prison. We eventually spoke again, and yes, we moved back in together. We ended up moving to the country (away from everyone, and I never gave it a second thought) He promised it would be different. He would take care of us, and never treat us like that again. It lasted a couple of months. It was okay at first, and then it started again. He made new friends, and started doing drugs more often, and drinking way more often. One night when he was so drunk and passed out, I already had our bags packed, and ready to go. The kids and I left him again. I left him a note, (which is stupid to do), he called me crying, saying how he missed us and wanted us to go home and be with him. We did not go back ( that time). After a couple of years, he ended up meeting someone else, they were together about a 1 1/2 years, got pregnant, she kicked him out. All she ever wanted was a baby. He treated her the exact same way, but I think she stayed around because she was so desperate to have a child. About a year later, he and I tried to work things out, he moved in with us, and his ex lost was staying with one of her friends, and they lost their place to live, She asked him if she could come live with us. At first I was like are you freakin crazy. I ended up letting them come and stay with us. We all ended up moving to a bigger house, and after awhile, he was never going to grow up. I ended up getting rid of him for good, and although it took me years to get over him, I did it, and now would not turn back for nothing. His ex and I ended up living together for 2 years, and now we are best friends.. Now, my kids have a beautiful half sister, and I have a new friend, that understands where I came from. Now I hope you do. Get your kids, and go. Save your life and save theirs too...(he now has nothing to do with his kids, and only comes around when he wants to impress a girlfriend). It took me years to become ME again.. I wish I would have left sooner and stayed away. I later found out he use to hit my son, and like you said you husband was like your dad, well my son is just like his dad. He does not hit me, but has tried and he talks to me the same way his dad did. Its a vicious cycle, and I want it to stop before my son falls in love with someone - I do not want him to do this to someone...

Dannielle - posted on 12/16/2009

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i am unsure as to what to really tell you to do other than LEAVE, for your childrens sake they need a happy mother it will be tough leaving them and although they are still young in the future they will understand why you did it,as for your husband he might need the shock of you going to wake up to his ways,just because you signed the wedding certificate does not give him the right to control you it is meant to be a partnership not ownership,get yourself together and move on do things that make you happy and can improve YOUR life xxxx

Atinuke Eunice - posted on 12/15/2009

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my dear this is a simple problem, you have taken the right step; you get education first, this will help in building your self confidence, education opens the doors, commands respect from people-your husband, children and in-laws. with all these in place you will be a happier person i bet my life.

TYLER - posted on 12/14/2009

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I agree with the oter ladoes....leave...get your children now that your seizures are under control. Get to the doctor and get proof that they are under control. Get the correct paer work done, leave this man who seems to only provide mental anguish. Your children are what comes first is what people say. But ya know the oxygen mask rule on a plane......"parents and guardians" secure the oxygenmask to your face befor you help your children secure their's".....if you aren't tip top you can't take care of your babies...so actually you come first......and since the seizures are under control...... dont let a man stop you. Go get the children you gave birth to, and who are rightfully yours. Start your new life. Let me know what happens

Rose - posted on 12/14/2009

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I don't know where you live, but if there is a church by the name of "The door Christian Fellowship or the Potters House, go see the minister and I believe he can help you. You do need to get out, but it will be best to have a church home and someone to talk to advise you.l

Monica - posted on 12/14/2009

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please contact a women in crisis center, usually found in the phone book and get out with their help. they offer counseling, job seeking and housing! please do something before it gets any worse!

Joanie T. - posted on 12/14/2009

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He Beth, been there and done that!! Everyone has given you good advise but not many women experience domestic violence. I am an ex victim of domestic violence. I was in an abuse relationship for over twelve years. I wish I had someone to turn to for help or had face book during the time of my ordeal. I left for a year and came back. Only to allow my ex to manipulate me in returning on to find myself back in an abusive relationship. He stayed calm for about a year and started back all over again. I remained this time four more years. Left to die but couldn't die. I was not only mentally abused burt physically abused and my children sufferd from this abuse also. I almost lost my daughter because she thought I choise him over her. But the fact of the matter I didn't I chose God over them both and waited for instructions on how to leave withoug in dangering myself and my family. If someone would have told me to get out I would have left sooner. People tend to make you think because you are Born again you have to reamin in a marriage except for adultry. I beg the difference. God does not want you in a abusive relationship or marriage. If you are in a relationship that is unhealty nothng is worth you staying there. It does not get better it only gets worse. I did not think I could survived becasue I was living in a town where I did not know anyone except my husband and a few friends I had met. I did not know where to go or who to turn to for help. I prayed and asked God for direction on how to leave without risking my life. The Lord guided me and I know he will guide you to do the same. I heard a message preached God wants to heal what you don't want revealed. I had to reveal to myself and others that I was being abused. This is the first step you are taking getting rid of the secret of afraid of telling others. I thank God for you reaching out for help. Please take the help given but me and others. Where there is a multitude of counsel there is safety. There are alot of people who really want to help. God will lead you to who to trust and turn to. He lead me to a 74 yo widow women who did not even know me and needed a room mate. She ministered to me until God healed me and then she got sick and I had to minister to her and she died of a heart attack. God had someone to help me and in the mean time used me to help her. I went from my struggle to sucdess. I left everything and only took what I could to get out of the house quick. I am here to tell you that when I trusted God he gave me back more clothes then I left with brand new furniture, and a house to live in. I'm still renting my house but one day I pray he will bless me with my own. I had to walk away from a brand new house only live in it for four years but nothing was worth my peace and sanity. No I have not recovered everything I lost materially and it's been over nine years now but I did recover my self esteem, my healing and my peace and joy. I did not even have a job when I left. My job had just laid me off but Praise be to God he still provided for me.. Nothing and noone is worth loosing your peace and joy. The joy of the Lord is your strength. I made it and you too can make it if you only trust God. You already know what time of day it is and you already know what you need to do. Just do it and believe God. I have not felt this good and a long time. Praise be to God. Be encourage and Keep me posted as to your progress. I will be praying for you.

Jessica - posted on 12/14/2009

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your kids needyou to be a strong women show them that you deserve respect and love and so do they.if you stay one day he will kill you and then the kids will never have you. I was with a man that hit me all the time I was lucky enouph to leave when i was preg with my daughter. you have to get out I can only guess how hard it would be to leave your kids behind and i know you would never want to do that and im sure thats the reason your still there but everyone is right you wont get them back now so LEAVE his sorry ass and get your self togeather start over and when you feel strong enouph to fight then you can go for your kids get your life togeather and your head straight and then you can get your children just dont tell the kids anything till your ready to leave you dont want your husband to find out when you see them tell them you love them and maybe mail them a letter telling them you love them and will be back for them. dont let there be any chance for him to find out that your leaving or he will hurt or kill you `

Doudji - posted on 12/14/2009

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Have you ever tired legal disputes as in going to court or explaining to a laywer what is going on. There are oraganiztions to help you cope. First things first though, you need to take the children you can and leave. As for your daughter, you cannot help some one that doesn't want to be helped because in the end when you do choose to help them they say that you did not help at all. Then you feel used and betrayed sort of.... any way feel liable to move on because what you thought was, isn't. God Bless You and Good Luck!

Connie - posted on 12/14/2009

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Unfortunately what I have to say isn't what it seems like you are going to want to hear. Or maybe you do but need someone to say it bluntly so you can read it in "black and white". You know what you need to do you just are looking for confirmation, I could read it in your words. Sometimes the hurt and disrespect we put ourselves through for "the sake of the children" comes from the old wonderful movies that many of us grew up maybe watching with our grandmas. The tuff love of "yesterday" isn't the same as the tuff love today. What you are doing is not helping anyone least of all your children. Boys that watch their mothers accept this type of treatment grow up to believe that this is the way when things aren't going their way in their relationships that they are to treat their girlfriend/wife (is this how you would want your daughter-in-law to be treated by your son? Worse is this how us mothers want to know our sons will be treating them?); and for the daughters that see their mother getting yelled at, sworn at, hit, teased whatever else is going on and therefore believe that this is the abuse they are supposed to accept from their boyfriend/husband.

This is not going to be an overnight process I’m giving you two days to do this. (yeah, like I’m going to be there to time you. No you are not going to probably do this before Christmas because you are going to want one more ‘wonderful’ holiday with them. Ask then answer yourself: “Is it really going to be wonderful or hurtful?” Then decide if you could get away easier the day after then wait. Start your New Year off for YOU! The ultimate resolution, “I resolve to have a better life for ME!” YOU CAN & WILL DO IT!!!! I have FAITH IN YOU!!! Okay, ready for this? Yes or no, give me some time and read on. Some other replies have given same or similar replies I hope you are still reading these posts because I just recently joined and canceled an appointment to take time to reply to you. Here goes dear loving Mom:

Silly as it sounds I want you to seriously do this: sit back (in your car somewhere uninterrupted, so in a shopping center parking lot or a park where ever no one knows you are at that moment) and seriously put yourself OUTSIDE of YOUR picture put a blank face on your body and imagine you are watching a scary movie. What would you be yelling at that faceless body? What would you be telling her to do? Now, YOU do it! You’ve got the fire started turn it into a raging infurno! Remember I said it might take you more than one day so read this completely but keep watching “that movie” and remember what you are yelling at that faceless body because that is what you are to them, faceless, just Daddy toy to throw around and make do what he/they want. Do not forget that so the fire doesn’t calm down inside you, keep it burning strong for your energy!

Okay, this is preparation for your bigger step but because I'm a sentimentalist and I'm reading in your plea that you are too I suggest that you do this more for yourself than for them. Some will read this reply and say, “don’t do it because they don’t deserve it.” But this step isn’t really for them it is for you. You will know in the end that you did absolutely what you needed to do and that you told them everything you wanted because in a letter they can not stop you or block you out to listen to the tv/radio whatever you did the following that I’m suggesting and it was their decision to read it or tear it up but YOU did it! And this is what you do:

It doesn't matter how old each of your children are do this for each of them. This goes for your 18 year old that doesn’t live with you and screwed up by already having a child which I’m sure undoubtedly (everyone) blames you too (How come you didn’t know she was having sex? How come you didn’t tell her about birthcontrol? Well, why didn’t they either?). So even get something for the grandchild. Deep down we all need something to snuggle with and whether we have it or not want one, usually the reason for early pregnancy trying to have something we think will love us because we gave birth to it. Well, you (and I) found out that’s not how it works is it? SO, you go to a store and pick up something you think is cute (not clothes they out grow that, stuffed animal/rag doll something soft and cuddly) you can afford for each one of them. Get a binder and a pen. Go find a quiet place you can park and write each one of the children a letter. Put everything in there as if you were going to die tomorrow (heard that song, "Live like you were dying?" do it!) and then whether you seal it or just fold it now put the name of that child on the outside of the letter and pin it to the stuffed thing you picked out for that child. This will be the most difficult part of this process. Because in their letters you said your good bye. You have told them how much you still love them, always will and that you need to go so that everyone can be happier. It is apparently the case since they don’t act as if they want you around. You are doing for them what they won’t ask you to do; you have left them alone with their Dad, the one they feel loves them more so you are doing it for them. Make sure something to that effect for your reason is in there so they ‘hear’ that what you are doing is what you feel they are telling you with their actions.

Depending on what feelings you still have for ‘him’, if you wanted to say it one more time or tell him something new write a letter for him too. You don’t need to give him something cuddly he had it (you) and treated it like crap so you don’t need to replace it with something else that he’ll mistreat. The kids didn’t know anything other than how to treat you like dad did so they need something to cuddle to when they think of you. That is what theirs is for. Again, letters are great because he can’t interrupt you, or cut you off and walk away, so write it all down, everything from how you first loved him so much that’s why you vowed your life with him (if that’s why not because you got pregnant and it was the ‘right’ thing to do) that you thought he felt and would always feel the same why and somewhere, somehow it all changed and you can’t live like this and neither of you deserve to be unhappy for the rest of your lives to for the happiness and health of you both you are leaving and he can read it over and over again. Put these somewhere you know they will not be found until YOU want them to be!

Okay, get your binder back out and start a list so you don’t have to carry this reply around with you. (come on smile you are going to be fine! It will take time but you are doing this! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL!!!) On this list you are going to write down the things you would take with you. I did mine like this; I pretended that the fireman came to our neighborhood and said we had one hour to put what we wanted in our car and leave. The fire was on our street and there was no way they could stop it or save our house. What was of that much importance that I could not replace it? Think of it as if you will never be able to return to get it once you leave the driveway. Start numbering your paper and writing a list so you can double check quickly and maybe even start putting aside in the closet so certain clothes are easier to grab. So, I started with my photo albums. Unless there was something hanging on my wall (I have 100s of photo frames of family/friends I like people on my walls) I was going to take albums because they had more photos, the memories as I got older would fade but I could look back in the books and maybe bring back that memory. Next, my computer (not the printer unless its real small and light weight, you don’t need it). I have addresses, more photos from my digital camera everything on my computer and plus we each have one so this is mine not his/theirs. Remember the cords that it needs to run (its not a laptop, if yours is get the battery too). The next things were my cameras. Those are all things that are too expensive I would not be able to replace them and although I would not have my children to photograph the scenery I would be viewing and other things along my travel that should/when my children wanted to be in my life again I could show them what I saw. Then I threw into my smaller luggage case under clothes just a couple my favorite nighties, packed favorite clothes for about two weeks (incase I couldn’t do laundry) comfortable shoes and dress shoes. Heavy coat, sweater, a couple of nice things for interviews or to treat for a nice dinner or maybe I’d get asked out, hummmm? My pillows and two blankets. Never know if I’ll get tired and have to sleep in my car. It was easy to throw my jewelry and makeup into one carry on size case because I don’t have much of either. But if you are a makeup person (I'm not) gather that because I know that make up can be costly and you won't be happy with yourself if you can't put it on or can’t afford to replace it if you left it behind. Okay, now go over this list and think if there is anything that you are going to want after you drive away. Maybe something you put in storage outside in a shed? Up in the garage rafters, under your bed. Think about things and put on the list. Maybe even something in (I have a cedar chest well, I can’t carry it by myself so there are things inside I knew I would want so I packed another case just with memento items).

Continue reading so you know what you need to do. But up until now I was getting your ready for today, the day it will all change for your better life! NOW on the day you are ready for the first step of a better life for YOU, the life YOU deserve and were brought into this world to live. ONLY when you are ready for that step do you continue with the rest of this. If you do too much preparation someone could suspect something and then your entire escape could be thrown off. Don’t do too much just have your list and in your head what steps you still need to complete.

Most important you want to start off with a full tank of gas. If he normally does this for you, great let him spend his money to make sure you have a full tank on the day you are going to do this. If you have access to your bank account (ATM card or debit whatever you use) get some out, not everything that will alert there was a thought out plan and if you take it all it could come back to haunt you, I don’t know maybe ‘stealing’ if you don’t make deposits so make sure there is some left. You could even start sticking back $5 or $10 here/there until you have made up your mind to leave. But have enough cash and carry it in your POCKET so that if your wallet is stolen/lost or the card turned off when he realizes you are really leaving, you’ll have some money.

Remember the items you purchased for the kids/grandkid? Put these cuddly reminders of you with your pinned letter on their pillow. Put “Daughter 18 and Grandchild” maybe on Dad’s bed or the couch, somewhere it will be found but not immediately when someone walks in this gives you more driving time to get further before they start looking for you, if they will. Tape his to your bedroom/bathroom mirror so he finds it not the kids. If he wants them to read it he can do that himself. Okay, your most difficult is now over. Take a deep breath! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Smile and get going!

Now I'm going to give you the plan so you don't even have to figure it out. Don't give up on me! Finish reading, I know you are getting scared and telling me oh sure easy for you to say. NO it isn't but it IS doable and remember, I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!

NOW! RIGHT NOW before you change your mind because by now you are crying and the feelings that you had when you first laid eyes on your children that you “knew” were going to love you as much as you love them are all rushing back and trying to keep you there; in the unhealthy place for you and them. However, your brain knows that for your health and happiness for the little time YOU have left on this earth (I know you are not that old but you are closer to death then birth) YOU are meant to enjoy your life and it is too darn short to continue on like you are. SO SPEED IT UP! Before someone comes home.

Gather up EVERYTHING on your list and get it in your car. Don’t just pile up your back seat (I don’t know if you have actual car or truck what you are driving) but arrange the stuff you are taking so to draw as little attention to you while you are driving through town or stopping somewhere as possible. If a trunk is available and it all fits put in there. You said that the cars are in your husband and daughter’s name even so you are going to be driving it for awhile and not knowing where if you will have radio coverage I would get any cds that you like to listen to for your enjoyment too. Get in your car, have a camera? Take a picture of the front of your house and drive away. Get on a highway and just start driving. Keep it at the speed limit but drive in a direction they are not going to suspect you to be heading. For example don’t drive to your best friends house. Or a cousin you have been talking about seeing. Just pick a state that you are not currently in and start driving there! Do NOT use you ATM unless an emergency! Pay cash to fill up for gas get lunch/food because if they are already looking for a trail that is going to tell them what direction you are going. Now, if you don’t have that much luggage/containers if you want when the car runs out simply park it somewhere safe lock the keys in the glove box or under one of the seats/in the trunk whatever and leave it. NOT at a bus/train station because then they’ll look for you at the ticket counter. But see if you can get a ride or walk to one and buy a ticket, again with your cash to somewhere. When you get to where you think it looks like a nice place or you need to rest get a hotel room and open the phone book. Or if you have a laptop get connected and search for a Women’s shelter or safe house. Contact a church on the street that you passed. Even if you are not religious or claim one specific denomination they love to help people and will find you a safe usually free or little fee to stay even if for only one night. They may have employment opportunities they can tell you about. The biggest and right now the most difficult thing is dealing with your emotions! The unknowing and wondering: Are they missing me? Are the kids upset? Does he care? Are they looking for me? You mentioned your health with seizures you can look up medical advice too and see if there is a place that can take you in with your situation and find out what rights you have. Maybe your state has paid medical facilities to help pay or fully pay for treatment for you.

I have faith in YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU NEED TO DO THIS! Not just for you but for your kids. Staying “because of the kids” is the screwed up reason Dr Spock (who had NO kids) thought. We already established staying for the sake of the kids only teaches them this is how they are supposed to be treated or how to treat someone and we know that is not true! If you want to stop that violent (verbal or physical) chain you need to show them the right thing to do is to leave! And you have to stay gone. When and if they want to see you they will be able to find you!

BEST OF LUCK!!!!

Crystal - posted on 12/14/2009

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I know everyone here gave some really great advice. My mother was in the same situation, and unfortunately somethings were worse for us as children, sexual abuse. We moved to a safe house, after he was arrested for all the mental and physical abuse. It is possible to start over, it was very hard for my mother to leave, the difference is she never lost us. And I know that's the hardest part of your situation, there are ways to get them back! I ask you pray for guidance and strength, the Lord will give you all that you need. Instead of using your home computer, go to the library, there are still ways of tracking your history on a computer especially if you are tech savvy. Get free lgal advice about how to proceed for getting your children back and how to prosecute this man! Then get the information for a womans shelter, get together all the paper work you need to get that together. Save any money you can get, every penny counts. Get a plan together and each day that you get closer to leaving, with all the information and everything set up, check off that day. You have to get organized as to not leave information for him to find out your plan. Once you're ready, some shelters help with picking you up, the best bet is to leave while he is at work so there will not be a confrontation, and things won't elevate to physical abuse or worse. Some shelters will be able to help you find a job, get a place to stay, things of that nature. If you have a cell phone with him, copy your contact that you want to keep and leave the phone when you leave him, he can track your every step with that phone, they all have a gps in them that can be activated! You can always get a prepaid phone, they are non traceable, and use it only when you need to speak to your kids. One thing, pray every step of the way, the Lord is with you. Try to find a good church once you are gone. Depending on the church, they might have phone numbers of some places that can help you with work or shelter as well. Be calm, all is not lost, just mixed up in the rubble. In terms of possessions to take, take a small photo book of your kids and all the essentials, like you would pack for a trip, only the neccessities. I will pray for you, and hope that we will hear from you once you are set! Be blessed, pray freverently, and be steadfast!

Meghan - posted on 12/14/2009

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I believe that the general concensus here is GET OUT!!!! Your children will love you no matter what but if there is one thing that I have learned is "a happy mommy makes for happy children" and hunny you do not sound happy! You need to leave and live your life you are not a pet to be allowed out when he says or to follow commands. He is a moron a useless controlling jerk and you deserve better in your life. The rest of the ladies are right they have all come up with wonderful suggestions for you to escape your prison. Please I beg of you from the bottom of my heart please please go get away from him! Your 18 year old daughter sounds like she needs a good old fashion beating, she is lucky that she has been handed all that she has been handed. Do not let him tell you how you feel! You are in control remember that it is your body your life your mind your thoughts and your future you have control and you are strong!!!!!!! Good luck!

Carol L. - posted on 12/13/2009

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What makes you think he is different than your stepfather? It sounds like you have picked one that is a clone. What makes you think you are the only one he abuses? What makes you think your kids aren't next or being abused right now? Take your children and RUN to the nearest police station. They will see that you get help thru a women's shelter. Don't wait and plan. Grab your kids and GO GO GO. When you get away, thank God, and take all the help you can get.

Carla - posted on 12/13/2009

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I am going to tell you the same thing that I told my aunt. I feel for you because you are allowing this to go on, not knowing that there is a better way. When GOD said that he wanted us to be married, he also wanted us to use the minds that he gave us. He does not want any of his children to be treated like that because does not make junk. I understand for the sake of your children, but there isn't anything you can do for your children. They are with your mother in law, so you need to do what you can for yourself. Go back to school and get your life together and then if your children are still young, come back and fight for them if that is what you want to do. Otherwise concentrate on yourself. Leave him to get a peace of mind, so you can live for you.
I feel for you and I will pray for you to leave him.

Paula - posted on 12/13/2009

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Sorry about spelling but it all depends on what you want to do and how strongly your feelings are, ie, leave - seek a solicitor who deals with this sort of thing and talk all about it with them to see where you stand about getting your children back etc. with out argreeing to anything or seek a marriage councilor and talk it through with them as your going to need a lot of help mentally and physically if you are to stay where you are, or if you have a something like a citizan advice near you might be able to talk everything confidentially through with them. Failling that your doctors might be able to put you intouch with some.

[deleted account]

You need to see a professional who can help you make the best decisions for your family. See a lawyer or an experienced therapist. Don't do this alone. And don't do this without professional advice. It will be worth it!

Neda - posted on 12/13/2009

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I would go as far away from them as possible and leave no forwarding address. Make a new life for yourself...join a Church and meet some new people. The change will make you feel great. I would even change my name. None of them will ever love and respect you so you need to go while you are young enough to make a new life.

Kimberly - posted on 12/13/2009

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Hi Beth, Please listen to all the advice that the other moms have given you. I also believe you should document everthing on paper and if you can record it - if you have a cellphone keep the texts it will help you in court and with the police and social services. You do need to make a plan and get out as soon as possible try and put aside some money contact a close friend or family member that does not live near by and get them to help you. As you said you live in a small town and sometimes people will protect other people even if they no they are bad. Look up womens shelters and safe houses on the computer print out any information you need and then delete all the history on the computer incase he looks at the computer to see what you have been up to. Do the same on your emails keep nothing. If you need it print it out. If you can send any of your personal items that you want to keep away to a close friend or family member to keep in storage for you so it is easier to leave. Like picture's, photo albums and jewelry. Do the same with copies of your birth certificates of you and your children, social insurance, health care, bank accounts etc. Get copies of those and send them off to a friend or family member that you can trust. I agree leave the car behind and have someone pick you up or walk to a nearset pay phone and get a taxi or take the bus. It will be alot eaiser to leave with just a suitcase and a duffle bag. Remember clothes, furniture, cars, cookware, etc can be replaced. You are on the right track by getting your sizures looked after, going back to school and telling your daughter no she can't move back home. So then next step is for you to get out asap. He will turn to physically abuse when he realizes that his threats are no longer working with you. time. Once you are out try to keep in contact with your children by using someones phone or cell or computer. You do not want to use one where you will be staying at so he can trace it and locate you. Especially if you are staying with a friend or family member. Just tell your children that you love them very much and that you needed to get out of the relationship as it was very abusive, and that you will come back for them as soon as you are well and have a job and a place to stay. My prayers and thoughts go out to you. Please be carefull and get out as soon as posssible. We all love you and so does GOD.

Katherine - posted on 12/13/2009

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You know you need to leave from what you say. I am sure there is a lot more to your situation that you didn' t post and only you know what is best for you. Leaving something like that is very hard and is even harder once you leave because you aren't used to not being belittled. It does get better with hard work. Once your child is 18 he/she can take care of themself, if they want a better life then they can go out and work and make one for themselves. You took a stand against your daughter and said she can't treat you like that then take a stand against your husband. If he gets too loud or you think he is going to hurt you then call 911. You get the police out there, have that dispatcher stay on the phone with you until the officer gets out there. Everything that is said on that phone is recorded. You record what he says, not only on paper but get a recorder. They don't cost that much and you can keep it in your purse or your pocket. No one says you have to stand in front of your husband or in the same room and take his abuse. Like I said I have no idea of the full situation, just do what is right for you. It's your choice what path you choose to take for yourself.

Edith - posted on 12/13/2009

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I know what you are going through, because I also did the same thing. I stayed for 32 years thinking it was what I had deserved. But I left and when I did, my children said it was about time. I still had the love of my children and that gave me the strength to leave and make it on my own. I was lucky to get out when I did, because the abuse I received was sending me into depression and suicide was becoming a way out. Please do something before it happens to you. If your children do not appreciate you now, they will not appreciate you if you stay. They will some day leave you to make their own life and you will still be alone. You need to take care of yourself because no one can take care of you better than you can.

Leslie - posted on 12/13/2009

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Get out, leave now. You can get your children back. Having a medical condition that is controlled is no reason to keep them out of your custody. My friend went through the same thing. She now raises her three children on her own and collects alimony. She got the house and her car. She went through our local womens abuse centers. They helped her obtain legal counsel and was there for her every step of the way.

April - posted on 12/13/2009

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You need to GET OUT. Worry about yourself first. It sounds like you staying in this horrible relationship just for your kids ain't working either. Obvisouly you don not have the kids in ur custody right now so leave. Finish your education get employed and hire an attorney to get your kids back for you. As for the 18 year old she is 18 and no matter if you stay or leave kids this age will find some other reason for you to not see your grandchild. You need to worry about you, disapear and make them for once worry about you instead of you always worried about them. GET out i beg you there are way to many crazy things that could happen if you stay.

Carrol - posted on 12/13/2009

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THEY HAVE HOMES FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN YOU CAN GET AWAY NOW. IT IS NOT EASY SOMETIMES BUT I DO KNOW SOME WOMEN WHO HAVE DONE THIS FOR THEMSELVES AND THERE CHILDREN THEN YOU CAN SAVE MONEY TO GET YOUR OUN PLACE AND START A NEW LIFE YOU CAN DO IT.

Carrol - posted on 12/13/2009

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DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND. YOU ARE A MOTHER A REAL MOTHER REACHES OUT TO HER CHILDREN. AND HER GRANDCHILDREN. IT IS TIME TO TELL HER ITS TIME TO GROW UP. NOW YOUR ON YOUR OWN SHE HOW GOOD SHE DOES IF SHE NEEDS HELP ONCE IN A WHILE HELP HER IF YOU CAN. YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL MOTHER TO ME.

Rebecca - posted on 12/13/2009

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You need to see a professional. You are killing yourself. People do not "give" their children to grandparents unless it is Child Services with a documented force or agreed by both parents that it is best. You have allowed yourself to get into this situation and unless you are actually enjoying the negative attention, (some people thrive on abuse) YOU must get yourself out. What caused your seizures? How did you eliminate the seizures? Are you under a doctor's care? Were your children being abused because of your seizures? Has there ever been involvement of the state? Staying with your husband is not getting you back with your girls obviously. It is only driving them farther from your reach. If you are able to get an education or look for a job, and no one is keeping you from getting a message out on FB, then you have the resources to find professional help for YOURSELF! Please do it and God bless!

Marie - posted on 12/12/2009

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First I want to say congratulations in going back to school, in order to better yourself.
I also want to congratulate you for coming forward publicly and asking for help. Yes, it is wise to leave your husband, but it is not going to be easy. One thing I learned a long time ago, is that your children are yours for life. They will never respect you if you continue to stay with their father. Once you leave him and go far away, where you can heal your wounds, you come back and get your kids. They will understand in the long run.

But you cannot help them or yourself if you stay in this situation. Remeber, loving yourself is the first step to getting out of a bad relationship.

We here in Circle of Moms love you and we will be praying for you Beth.

[deleted account]

you really need to get out friend ,i have been in your situation , i almost lost control of my mind and it wasnt till i ended the marriage that i started to realise how much control he had of me .that was fours years ago. i went to see a councilor and it really helped me, you deserve to be treated with respect.why not take your girls with you, i thing i learned is that they don't change. you really need to be brave and go please . if you need to talk i am here my name is bridget. i am bridget hennessy on facebook take care of yourself and really think of leaving xxxx

Anita - posted on 12/12/2009

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Beth you are hearing not only the words of the other ladies on this post but their hearts...no one is saying that it will be easy but it will not be anything different till you do something different..you deserve to have the desires of your heart..trust that your children will see past the lies as you blossom to the awesome woman that has been buried in you come to full bloom..the first things to do is take the first step..praying for you and believing in you!!!

Kay - posted on 12/12/2009

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Please leave. He is NOT worth the pain you suffer everyday. As for your children, love them enough to leave so you don't show them how to be treated. They treat you the way they do because of him and his family....shame on all of them. Don't continue to stay where you're treated badly. Move away QUICKLY and don't look back. YOUR family and friends will give you the love and respect you need to make your life better. God bless you and may He give you the strength you need.

Stacey - posted on 12/12/2009

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MAY OUR HEAVENLY FATHER GIVE YOU THE STRENGHT TO "GET OUT" OF THAT RELATIONSHIP... FIRST OF ALL IT IS NOT A HEALTHY LIVING SITUATION , SECOND YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE YOUR OWN DESTINY.... DO THIS NOT ONLY FOR YOURSELF BUT FOR THE SDAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.... IF YOU CONTINUE TO STAY WITH THIS MAN YOU WILL BE SHOWING YOUR CHILDREN THAT IT'S OKAY FOR SOME ONE TO BE CONTROLLING AND DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS THEM AS WELL.. YOU NEED TO BREAK THIS CYCLE.... PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR GUIDANCE AND THAT HE BESTOWS UPON YOU THE STRENGHT AND COURAGE TO LEAVE... YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON YOU CAN DO IT.... JUST PRAY....

Leah - posted on 12/12/2009

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i know everyone is telling you to leave,i agree with that. however if you have suffered this so long that, psychologically you have found a way to blame yourself for your situation.im sure you have prayed a thousand times over & cried even more than than. i am going to ask you to pray again, ask God for guidance on the next steps you need to take. if you dont break the bonds tying you to him, you will never be free & you will always go back into a vicious cycle of abuse. please talk to someone professionally about seeking help to get out of there. as for you children & grandchild, God will take care of them. would you rather them visit you in another state or in the hospital or graveyard? the next step in abuse goes from verbal to physical abuse. my heart & prayers go out to you. (PS you are not a bad person or an unfit mother. you need to forgive yourself & move forward.please stop existing & start living a full productive life. you writing this note & going back to school are steps in the right direction)

Francine - posted on 12/12/2009

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You need to get help from a organization near you that can help you relocate with your younger child. Your older child is 18 she is an adult and can choose her own path. Get out why you can before you have no trace of yourself left.

Mary - posted on 12/12/2009

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Honey, I think you already know what you need to do...It's just a matter of making the choice to GET OUT! This is not a good environment for you, your health or well being! Imagine the "freedom" and the "happiness" you will have once you set yourself free of this man! Put your trust in God...Remember there will be long roads to travel but at the end of the road the Reward is so much hreater than you can bear! I will be keeping you in my prayers....Love Yourself FIRST...do what's right for YOU honey!!

Renae - posted on 12/12/2009

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Beth, I'm just going to stay that I understand your situation. Out of respect for my mother and siblings who do not talk about our past life to many people (I am happy to talk about it but they are not and they are the main victims, I was protected by older siblings) I can't go into detail in a public forum.



Here are some things that both YOU and I already KNOW:

You KNOW that you married a man like your step-father, a trap that so many victims of domestic abuse fall into.

You KNOW your husband is an abuser.

You KNOW that this man is bad.

You KNOW that abusers never change.

You KNOW that in a domestic abuse situation, things only ever get worse, they never get better.

You KNOW that he behaves like a perfect angel around other people and noone else will ever see the abuse.

You KNOW that every day you stay with him it is ruining your confidence and depleating your soul.

You KNOW that you cant talk to him because he doesn't care, he is an abuser, they take pleasure in hurting and controlling the people who love them.

You KNOW that you don't know anyone because he doesn't want you to have anyone you can go to, this is what abusers do.

You definately already KNOW that you have to leave.

You KNOW that you have already lost your girls, you don't want to lose them but you already HAVE.

You KNOW you will never get your girls back while you are with him. It is because of your children that you need to leave.



If you go and stay with friends or family, it will only be temporary, you stay with them until you have a job and some money and can go back for your children or move near your children. You are not leaving them forever, just enough time to get them back.



1. Is there any way you can save up a little bit of money so that you can leave with something? Just enough to feed yourself for a few weeks. Does he give you cash for the groceries or does it go on his credit card? Is there anyway you can get cash from him and pretend you spent it on something you are allowed to buy? Or, does he work during the day? Is there some way you could earn some money that he wouldn't know about while he is at work? Do some cleaning or something?



2. Do some searching on the net, find a support service for women in abusive relationships who can help find you somewhere safe to move to in your area. They will give you somewhere to live for a little while. They can also organise a social worker or someone similar to visit your children and explain that you have not left them, you have left him and you will see them as soon as you can. Remember to clear the internet history afterwards!



3. Look for a job. As soon as you have a job you can move to a safe house and save up enough money to move out on your own.



4. When you leave, dont even tell him, pack a small bag of personal belongings and walk away from anything else. It is only stuff, it can be replaced. Leave the car, you don't want him to be able to come after you because you took "his" car (legally it is his).



I know you feel trapped, I know you think you don't know how you will survive on your own when you leave. But please trust me, all women in your situation felt like that. But when you do leave, everything will work out and you will look back and be so glad you did and wonder why it took you so long. My mother put up with abuse so evil it would bring anyone to tears for 25 long years, she stayed for the same reasons you are and only left when it was leave or DIE. Don't be her, don't stay for the wrong reasons. Get out now.



You are welcome to private message me if you would like to talk further.

Rashidat - posted on 12/12/2009

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I want you to know that your children will always be yours, it does not matter what is happening now, i will advice you to take good care of yourself, love yourself and do any legal thing that makes you happy,get a good education, and get a job, most importantly try to look your best at every point in time and every other thing will fall in place. dont ever allow any one to put you down.

Kortney - posted on 12/12/2009

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FIRST OFF DO WHAT CAROLEE SAID DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON IN COURT AS WELL WRITING THE LETTER TO YOU KIDS AND KEEP A COPY OF IT.... MY GROUP UP IN A SIMILAR SITUATION. SO YOU ALSO NEED TO USE THE COMPUTER TO FIND HELP IN THE NEAREST BIG CITY TO YOU THERE WILL BE SOME KIND OF SHELTER FOR WOMEN OR SOMETHING YOU NEED TO CONTACT THEM AND FROM THERE CONTACT SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY YOU CAN REALLY TRUST TO COME GET U ONCE YOU MAKE IT TO THE SHELTER AND ARE SAFE. BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT A PLAN TOGETHER. THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WILL HELP YOU FOR FREE YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE FIRST STEP. ALSO BUT MONEY AWAY AND SAVE LITTLE BIT TO GET YOU GOING AND PLAN EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF AND ONE DAY JUST DRIVE YOUR CAR TO THE CLOSEST BUS STOP OR STATION AND DISAPPEAR KEEP A JOURNAL OF EVERYTHING ON YOUR JOURNEY. KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOUR KIDS THRU EMAIL AND TEXT ONLY AND ONLY TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND I'M SAFE BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU CAN BE GOOD TO OR FOR ANYONE IF YOU DON'T HAB=VE YOURSELF TOGETHER. THRU ALL THAT YOU DO DON'T LEAVE ANY EVIDENCE OF INTERNET SEARCHS OR ANYTHING ALWAYS ERASE THE HISTORY ON YOUR COMPUTER IF YOU WANT TELL HERE YOU LIVE AND I'LL LOOK FOR HELP NEAR YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GET OUT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE TO IN TURN HELP YOUR KIDS AND GRANDCHILD

Ana - posted on 12/12/2009

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I also algree with the other moms, Beth, you are of an extreme value! Do not think low of yourself, recognize your own value. Your family also needs to recognize your value and respect you. I am so sorry that your husband cannot see the valuable wife that he is about to lose, but you deserve much better than this. You deserve to be respected, as a wife, as a mother, as a person, who has feelings, who wants and deserves to be happy. Believe in YOURSELF. You can also get some help at a more personal level with a pastor from a church or a counselor, or a social worker, some of them might give you some directions to where you could go, maybe even help you find a job. I also believe that you can report abuse to a governmental agency. It has not been physical, according to your message, but emotional and verbal abuse cannot be tolerated as well, it will lead to physical sooner than you can think of. I will be praying for you.

Kathy - posted on 12/12/2009

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RUN, DO NOT WALK! For the sake of yourself and your children, you must leave this man. You are better than the way he treats you. Speak to your pastor, speak to someone! I highly agree with the other writers, you MUST leave this man!
Seizures are no reason to lose your children, speak to your health care professional.
Please, take all the advice you have been given. Do what you have to do for yourself, first. Get strong, get healthy and then go to court for your child! My prayers and thoughts are with you. It's hard, but you can do it!

Jovana - posted on 12/12/2009

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Let me tell you this. You need to get the heck out of there. He's no good!! As far as your daughter goes..kids are kids, but you should not give up on her because she misbehaves. You have to bring her back home and gain control of her. Shes a baby, she will adjust. My kids acted like that for a while after I left my home. My son was breaking my stuff and my daughter talking back. I thought I was going to lose it, but now they are just fine. they have adjusted to the situation. You cant let your kids or any man run your life. Trust me been there done that!!! It stunk!!!! :-)

Carole - posted on 12/12/2009

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I know that it is very hard to walk away from your family and the life you believed you could build with them but it appears that if you are to survive you have no option but to walk away and work on building a life of your own. Once you prove to yourself that you are a better person than your husband convinces you that you are, believe it or not things will work out and your children will gain respect for you as you regain respect for yourself.This will not happen quickly nor will it be easy but believe me it will happen as your children mature and can better understand. It does not appear that things will change if you remain in this situation.

RenaFaye - posted on 12/12/2009

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Beth, please do what Christina is telling you. Abuse, whether its physical or mental, makes you depressed and less able to take care of yourself. And find someone to talk to who won't give in to your husband -- find a counselor at school to give you some practical advice about how to find a more positive way of life. If he is domineering with you, he's had experience in manipulating and persuading other women. His mother goes along with it - in part because he's her child, and, who knows what else. Your older daughter has made her choices as an adult. If you can get your younger daughter and take her with you, if not, tell her that you will come back for her. If you don't take care of yourself, you have nothing to give to your children. Don't try to hang onto money in this situation, you can start over as long as you have your self esteem and are willing to work. A daughter of a close friend went through this with her first husband - he was controlling, abusive, and angry that she was getting an education -- lots more ugly things. Now she's re-married and has a master's degree and an excellent job. And the ex husband and she have a working relationship because 2 grown children are involved. Never give up!

Susan - posted on 12/12/2009

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I agree with the other two ladies, you need to get out NOW!! You are continuing the cycle of abuse for your children by staying, children learn what they see. There are ways to keep in touch with them ex. internet, cell phones etc... he can't police them 100% of the time. This guy is bad news,and you need to take care of YOU first!! Good Luck!

Carolee - posted on 12/11/2009

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LEAVE HIM!!! Document his abuse... every single time with details (date, time, location, what was said/done, your reply/reaction, etc.) and keep with it. Get some money together, and go to a safe place (I know women's shelter's aren't ideal, but they're better than what you've got). See if some friends or family members can loan you money (via Western Union or something) until you get a job and enough money to get a place of your own. Stay away from any place that he goes to. Don't let your kids know anything about where you're staying, as your husband will probably get ahold of that info and use it. Before you leave him, write a letter to your children and your grandchild explaining that you do love them, but you can't take the abuse any longer. No matter what you do, though, get yourself out! It's a very short step from consistantly verbally abusive to physically abusive to homicidal rage because someone didn't do what they told them to do. Stay safe, and good luck.

C. - posted on 12/11/2009

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What in the world???? PLEASE do yourself a favor and get out of there asap!!!!!!! No one deserves to be abused in ANY way! Don't stay for the sake of your children. If you do, they are only learning that this is how you treat your spouse and no one should be treated that way at all. I don't have any other advice to give you, but I hope that you leave that man soon. You don't want anything to turn physical! So please get yourself (and your children if you can) and GET OUT while you still can!!! I'm wishing and praying for the best for you. I hope another mom on here can give you some more advice. Please keep us posted on this thread!

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