Son's girlfriend is a bad influence

Jodi - posted on 12/30/2011

Does anyone actually read the responses? It appears the OP has resolved the issue and moved forward (which, BTW Tanya, is great, and I think you seem to have handled it really well). So I am going to lock this thread, but if Tanya wishes to reopen it for any reason, I have no problem with that.

Jodi
WtCoM Moderator

Alex - posted on 12/30/2011

Don't put all the blame on the girlfriend, my mom use to do that with me and it drove me crazy because in reality with or without whoever she didnt approve of I'd still be doing what I was doing. Focus on why you're worried about him, not the girlfriend.

Margaret - posted on 12/30/2011

First things first. What is going on?

Jodi - posted on 12/30/2011

Pamela, she has posted more info if you read through the posts.

Pamela - posted on 12/30/2011

You don's say what the problem is or why you feel it has gotten out of control. How can we help if we don't have any particulars? You may want to re-post and give more information.

Tanya - posted on 12/30/2011

Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it. We have had a turn of events, I found out thru very reliable sources that she has been saying some really awful things about myself, my family and my other 2 kids. Apparently she hasn't figured out that when she talks, which she does often, it is gonna get back to us. We all had a very long discussion about this whole issue last night. There were lots of tears. He never got angry or defensive, which I was surprised at. I told him I could not understand how he could be with someone who openly disrespects his family. We are not perfect but we have loved, supported and guided him his entire life and will continue to do so fo as long as we live, for him to sit by and allow her to speak about us like that is really a slap in the face. I told him how scared I was for him that she is the type of girl to poke holes in condoms and go off her pill to trap him. She knows full well that he is not the type of guy to walk away from that, even if he was , we would not allow him to. She has made it clear that she doesn't want him to leave and go to college. He told us last night that his plan was to break up with her when he went off to college. I told him that would've been just fine had they not become sexually active, the game has changed now and she will do whatever she can to hold on. Anyway, I believe we made him think long and hard last night, presented a number of things that he needs to consider. This morning he texted me and told me that he broke up with her. He said I love you and respect you and I'm sorry that I let this go as far as it did. Told him we were sorry it came to this, we loved him and we were very proud of him. He said, how do you let go of someone you love. I said, you have to love yourself more to do what's best for you.
Thanks again, for all your advice.

Laraine - posted on 12/30/2011

I just went through a very, very similar situation with my son. After speaking my mind to the both of them repeatedly I realized what I had to do. The best thing I did (and the hardest by the way) was totally changing the way I spoke to him about her. I did not oppose their relationship, I asked about her and her family often in a kind way and I even gave him advice on how to be a good boyfriend. When he stopped railing against me, he was able to see how bad she really was....they broke up soon after. It was very hard. I lost a lot of sleep and the relationship even took some of the joy out of his high school graduation for me. The best thing you can do is be supportive and positive (no matter how much it hurts) and he will see her true colors.

Sandy - posted on 12/29/2011

I have a 17 year old son, you need to talk to him about the possible outcomes of sexual relationships, eg, unwanted babies or paying CSA ! How getting involved with an unsuitable person (eg drug taking) will not be good for him, his life in general, career, etc. Talk to him like a grown-up and not a naughty boy.

Mary - posted on 12/29/2011

Since he is a good kid, getting good grades, keeping up with school, work and otherwise doing what you ask of him I would heed to the advise of others and arm him with a box of condoms and some info about pregnancy and STDs and then hold my breath. At his age he is going to do what he wants. I know from experience. I was him exactly. 90% of my friends drank and did drugs. HOWEVER they just weren't for me. I have NEVER in my entire life touched illegal drugs. I didn't have any desire too even when all of my friends were smoking pot. I also never drank until after I graduated from high school and I flat out told my mom that I was going to when I wanted too and told her that I would be responsible and make sure that I was in a trusted friends home and that I would spend the night so I wouldn't be driving. Bottom line, I was going to do it anyways and if she forbid me to do it or didn't approve I just wouldn't have told her.

She was also totally against me having sex and I knew that. Instead of being open with her like I was about everything else in my life I hid it from her. I went to a local teen clinic where I could get birth control for free and we bought condoms ourselves. She only found out because I had an ovarian cyst rupture and I passed out at work. She took me to the hospital and on the way she was asking a lot of questions and it came out based on fear that there was something terribly wrong. Otherwise it probably never would have.

I guess my advise is that you've taught him how to be a responsible young adult. Give him some room to make his own decisions and be there when he needs to talk. If you try to decide for him it will work against you because he will do what he wants to anyways and it will ruin your open relationship.

Celeste - posted on 12/29/2011

I've heard from an older friend: if you befriend the girl and start to do interesting things with her i.e. take her to lunch, Movies, go shopping etc. your son will lose interest on his own. It worked for her but my boys aren't that old yet.

Teresa - posted on 12/29/2011

In many states I believe the age of consent is 16. I also believe that at least some states have a 2 year 'leniency' thing (don't know what it's called). I have no idea of the specific laws in the op's state, but just saying that the statutory rape thing most likely wouldn't happen.

Elizabeth (Beth) - posted on 12/29/2011

I agree with the advice given above. Keep reminding him of the things you admire about him (grades, responsibility, etc). Remind him of your expectations (gently) and have another responsible sex talk with him. It is OK to let him know that you'd rather he wait, but he needs to know what will happen if he doesn't (what happens if she gets pregnant...they get a virus, etc. Will you support them or not? Will you still love him or will he be on his own?). Or, what happens when he turns 18, goes to college, and decides to move on with his future without this girl? If the underage girlfriend (who has stated she won't let him go)...decides to have sex with him and then be nasty she can accuse him of statutory rape. That would scare me.

Nikki - posted on 12/29/2011

I think you have to let him make his own mistakes but as other have said you also need to protect him. At his age you cannot stop him from having sex and being with this woman but for your son's sake I would try to build some kind of trusting relationship with this girl. Talk to them about the risk of pregnancy and maybe encourage the girl to speak to her mother about getting birth control. Ensure your son always has access to condoms and educate him about the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

We reach a point as parents where we have to let them make some of their own mistakes, we cannot control everything they do but we can make sure we have done our best at educating them about the risks they are taking. After that we just have to hope that we have taught them enough to make mature and responsible choices.

Good luck.

Teresa - posted on 12/29/2011

My son is only 3, so I may not have any helpful advice. At 17.5 though my feeling is that if you try and put too many restrictions on this relationship... you will lose him when he turns 18. Maybe not though. Only you know your son and how he may or may not react to different approaches. I can only feel for you and wish you luck!

Sherri - posted on 12/29/2011

Honestly at 17 I would expect them to be having sex. As long as they are being responsible about it then I think you have to be let that one go. As far as the rest of it as much as I also would dislike it, it seems pretty typical from what I have seen from most 16yr old girls these days. I would just trust your son that you have raised him right and in the end he will make the right decisions.

Amy - posted on 12/29/2011

Be patient with him also...if she is as bad as you think he will see it in time but sometimes the background does have a lot to do with who someone is (at first) when you described her I swear I flashed back to my husband when we 1st met (btw...now I see how my mom must have felt) I didn't see those things as deal breakers though I saw them as things to work on. I have never done drugs so my rule was he just could not smoke pot around me, the night terrors...he had them & the only thing that truly got rid of them was me holding him when he woke up & was drenched in sweat & terrified. (they did not go away until we had been married about a year & a half) Give her a little time :) my husband hasn't touched drugs in 10years he has a good full time job & he is a wonderful dad to our 8yr old I am so thankful I gave him a chance! But not all stories are like mine (his sister is opposite & is awful) so watch to see if he actually starts changing & being more like her or if he is like me & sees something noone else saw. Just the perspective of someone who was the "good kid" dating the "bad kid". Best of luck to you!

Tanya - posted on 12/29/2011

thanks, I totally agree. He is a very responsible young man. Straight A's, he does work, pays for his own cell phone bill etc. He's a really good kid, which makes it difficult because he has done everything we've asked of him.

Wendy - posted on 12/29/2011

P.S I also think if he is acting the adult then he should be treated as such.....going to school and working part time for his spending money...if no school then he should be working full time to pay his way (cell, spending) he should not be on your couch loafing....lol.......no free rides

Wendy - posted on 12/29/2011

Tanya I only hope that when he aproached you about them having sex that you gave him the tools to protect himself if he choose to do it anyway against your wishes..( condoms).....beacuse if i was a gambler i would bet they are sexualy active actualy i would almost guarantee it......also he is 17 he is a man in my opinion and he will do what he wants not what you want....we control for the most part at 7 at 17 you can not control him only guide....ultimatly he decides.......and lastly the more you pull in your direction against the girlfriend the more he will turn to her and away from you.....she understands him and allowes him to be himself without judgment.....not forgetting the sex is a strong draw also..........just a few things to think about when dealing with him...hope it helps

Tanya - posted on 12/29/2011

Sorry about that, ladies. My son is 17, he is turning 18 in May. His girlfriend is 16. She comes from a very different background than him, broken home, she's had some bad things happen to her when she was 14/15, she is very outspoken,rude and disrespectful. I have given her the benefit of the doubt becaus of her upbringing/home life. I do not get along with her mother. She is one of those who is more than a friend than a mom. Anyway, she smokes weed, supposedly only before bed because she has night terrors and that's the only thing that helps. She is more sexually advanced than my son and she frequently takes pictures of herself in provocative clothing and posts it on social networks for everyone to see. None of my son's family or friends like her, I frequently get asked what he sees in her, by family his friends and teachers. I don't allow her and my son to be alone together, they have brought up to us in the past about wanting to have sex, which of course we said absolutely not!, her mother agreed they were not ready. I believe they may be having sex, not sure, but she has made comments to our other sons girlfriend to indicate that they might be. My son bought a 2 gas masks, (he thought was cool). My other son's girlfriend, said that she was asking her if it was weird to have sex with a gas mask on? We found out today that despite our rule of them not being alone together, they were in fact alone in our house, the Thursday before christmas, I was at work, and my husband was off shopping in town for Christmas. She has made comments that she will never let go of him and will do anything to keep him. I don't understand why he is still with her. We talk a lot and he has told me that they are not sexually active, but I am beginning to wonder. I don't want him to ruin his future, he is planning going to college, has aspirations etc. Hope that's enough info, for some insight

Teresa - posted on 12/29/2011

Ditto Jodi. We can't give any useful advice based on the minimal information you have given.

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2011

How old is your son and what is getting out of hand? And how are you planning on intervening? People can't give you advice on how to handle something when you haven't given much information. Personally, I generally don't agree with intervening, but it depends on so many things as to how

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/29/2011

I guess the most important question is HOW is she a bad influence? What is going on?