Soon to be single Mom...

Ashley - posted on 06/28/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi,

I'm about to be divorced (filing the paperwork tomorrow). I am very nervious about becoming a single mom. I'm still finishing college and have no job (and believe me, I'm filling out applications left and right), things are pretty scary for me and any and all advice is welcome.

Thank you!

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Kirstin - posted on 06/28/2009

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Good luck stay positive and think about your kids. My kids dad walked out when my son was 8mths and I was 5mths pregs with my daughter. They are now 2 and 1 and he hasnt seend them or spoken to them for a long time. i was hard at first but family support helps. I have now met a nice young guy willing to take in myself and 2 kids. So look up and never look back.

Matthea - posted on 06/28/2009

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I am in the same boat, my husband left me with 2 kids, a house and no job. I am working part time now but it is hard. But we women are stronger then we give ourselves credit for and you will find a way through this and it will make you a better stronger person!

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Christina - posted on 06/29/2009

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I was in your shoes about ten years ago. Hang in there! Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, from family or friends, even the government. I struggled on my own for years trying to make ends meet on what I made. It would have made life so much easier for me to apply for some assitance, but I was too proud. I put myself in debt trying to do it all without any help. It took me years to get out of debt and I look back sometimes and think...what the heck was I thinking?! I found out that I could have qualified for daycare assistance...which I paid out of my own pocket, and for a couple hundred dollars a month in food assistance...which would have been nice too. How does that go..."pride goeth before a fall".

Caroline - posted on 06/29/2009

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Eleanor Roosevelt once said that women are like tea bags - you don't know how strong they are until they get in hot water!

I hope that all of these replies are letting you know that you are not alone, and not the first. Many of us have been single moms. I was a single mom of an infant/toddler, then I married, and had more. When my youngest was 6, my husband took a job that left us alone most of the time. I was a single-but-married mom, and that was even harder. When he came home after 6 months or more away, he wanted to be in charge and wanted to be the kids' best friend. I can heartily agree with Kim - you won't have someone around 2nd-guessing your decisions and changing the rules to suit themselves.

You don't mention how old you or your children are. If your child(ren) is/are older than 4, be prepared for a battle! Daddy is gone and YOU are to blame. Just remember, they aren't truly being naughty, they just miss Daddy and they don't know how to deal with it. Also, they will be jealous of any new relationship you develop. Even if Daddy was abusive, they will feel that you have betrayed him/them with this new beau. If your kids are teens, it will be worse because they know how to push your buttons and say what hurts the most. They hurt, so they want to hurt you (you are the one that is available).

Don't let them fool you, at any age - they need you more than ever before! They are pushing you away because they are frightened. What if you leave too? What if it is their fault? These are universal fears in kids from broken homes. Be sure to address them, or they will fester.

The way you are feeling is common to most women who file for divorce. The abovementioned fears are common to kids of divorce. They may not be able/ willing to admit it, but they are afraid. If your kids are around 10 or older, enlist their help. Let them know that you are afraid, too, but that if you stick together and work together, you will all be fine.

As far as college - do whatever it takes to finish! Most colleges and universities are not geared toward single parents, but there are ways to do it. If you are in a community college, you have it made. Most have daycares onsite, all have financial aid and tutoring programs. Some classes can be taken online. If you will be applying for government aid, there are programs that will pay all your expenses (including living) while you are in school. File for child support. Go to the financial planning classes (see Vicki's post). And, above all, reach out to family and friends! You have already heard this and you will hear it some more. YOU have to ask. Other people often want to help, but don't know how! Maybe you can have dinner at your Mom's every Sunday, or your girlfriend can come over once a week and mop your floors! Try to have a schedule - it will be good for everyone.

Most of all, if you are a praying woman, hit your knees every morning and again every night. And believe in yourself. You can do this.

Blessings.

Jeanne - posted on 06/29/2009

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First off I just wanted to say that you are one strong woman. A lot of women would stay trapped in a bad marriage rather than strike out on their own, so you definitely have guts my dear. You must remember to stay positive. Check out single mom or divorcing mom support groups. This is the time that if friends and family offer to help, by babysitting, cooking a meal or just giving you a break for an afternoon so you can catch up on your sleep or studying - take it. You can check in at your college to see if they have any financial aid programs available as well as through the community. It will be hard, a divorce is never easy, even under the best circumstances but remember in the long run it is the best. I think you should try as much as possible to remain civil with you ex as he will always be your child (or childrens) father so being civil is the best approach. And my last piece of advice is to hug, kiss and tell you child you love them as often as possible, because they are losing a big piece of their lives to at this moment and let them know that this is not their fault and that they have nothing to do with it. Just love yourself and your kids and things have a way of working themselves out. Good luck my dear.

Jeannie - posted on 06/29/2009

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HI there

Single mom of 2 here, ages 4 and 21 months, been doin it myself since the stick showed pg, even when my daughter and i lived with him, he was never around, didn't really care to be involved with the pg. so we left, did it on our own for a couple of years, then i fell for the same line from the same guy, and bam, here comes baby number 2. i was SCARED out of my mind, how was i goin to raise these kids on my own? i had just gotten the single mom of 1 down, and havin another? i worried so much bout everything, even the little things, how was I gonna bring in groc with 2 kids? or do laundry? or go anywhere, it was overwhelming! then my son was born, and it wasn't as hard as I had feared. i've made mistakes in my life, everybody does, but one thing I haven't messed up is being a Mommy, I love my kids more than anything, and do whatever I have to do to make sure they are healthy and happy. That's the thing about the good Moms, we do it because we have to, nobody else is gonna do this for you, but it's worth if for us, to be the one that raised them, taught them everything, has been there through everything, that's our payoff!! I don't know how involved ur ex is going to be, or has been, I wasn't married so I have more control in my kids lives, bein marred, then divorced, the courts/judge like the father to have some involvement and say in their lives, in most cases, and you haven't said what kind of father he is, but i'm going to give you a word of advice in regards to that-keep a calendar, or journal of dates, times, phone calls, anything and everything that involves him and ur children.



You seem like a strong woman, we all are when it comes to our children, we find a strength we never knew was there, there will be tough times, and crying late at night when you think it's too much, its all part of the package, you cry it out, then just get right back in there, you have to, its all on you now, but trust me, it will get easier, and before long, you'll wonder how you did it WITH him around!!! lol good luck and I hope I was helpful.

Ellen - posted on 06/29/2009

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Hang in there! It's hard, but it can be done. I was suddenly single with two girls aged 11 and almost 7. We had 5 years together as a family of three and the money was tight. But, we had plenty of good times to remember. It will be a time of great personal growth for you!

Jolette - posted on 06/29/2009

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I just went through this.  Three things really helped.  1) I realized that I am in the middle of a process and no matter what, I allowed myself to feel any emotions that came up and realized that they're just part of the process. 2) I realized that the process will end - there is light on the other side...you just have to walk through this now but you will be in a stable situation soon and loving relationship if you want   3) Reach out to your community of friends and family - pick up the phone - and let them know you're looking for a job, do they know of anything?  You may be surprised that some jobs may quickly pop up. But you have to pick up the phone and share what you need and are looking for during this time.  People want to help you.  


 

User - posted on 06/29/2009

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The best advice I can give you is to look around your area and see if anyone is offering a financial class such as Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey or Journey to True Financial Freedom by Crown Ministries (check with your local churches). Learning how to make your money do what you need it to do, rather than your money just going where it THINKS it needs to go (planning versus reaction) is empowering for anyone - but especially for a single mom!

You can make it through life - keep your head up!

Michelle - posted on 06/29/2009

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I wish you the best of luck! If you stay strong and do everything you can you'll get through this tough time! Life will get better:)

Wendi - posted on 06/29/2009

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nothing but Doing it will change how you feel! if ur in school and ur moving forward you will be fine. a mother always finds away.

Kim - posted on 06/29/2009

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Wow. That is a tough one. My preganacy was an unplanned one. One thing I can say is that emotions from both partties fluctuate and what is said at one time does not always become reality. Make sure that you file for maintenance ASAP. The courts are not a nice place for single moms. But prepare yourself that it is not a walk in the park and then you will not be disapointed. Being alone has some benefits. You make most of the choices yourself. If you make a mistake, move on a deal with it. You don't have a dad around questioning your every decision. You don't have fights around the children, so a lot of the tension eases off and you can then begin to plan your life. There is a lot of power in being a single mom. It is now your space, your life and your decisions. Enlarge your support group. A lot of people are more scared of your pride and so won't offer help. If you set plans in advance, such as asking a trusted friend to babysit kids once a week while you study, then that will help. Your children will adjust and will feel safe if it is a routine and not a last minute emergency.

Melissa - posted on 06/29/2009

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Hi there

Stay strong... im a single mum and i have been one since i fell pregant. The father had nothing to do with me through out the whole pregance and ravs on how he wants something to do with her now, but im still waiting for that to happen. My daughter is 4 now and i have raised her all by myself and the thing i found the easiest was, dont lie to them.. tell them the truth about everything, explain things to them so that they understand. But i believe in you and i know that you will be able to do. trust your self and listen to your instinct.

I hope that i have helped you a little

Cheers Mel

Gloria - posted on 06/28/2009

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Stay strong - easier said than done I know. I left my hubbie 18 months ago and am now a single mum. I have two sons aged 15 and 10 and their father has given me no financial support since we separated. It is not easy but each day gets a little better. You will have down days when everything seems too much but that normal. You can do it and will survive.

Caroline - posted on 06/28/2009

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Hey hun,

Have no fear, I'm a single Mum stuck out in Thailand with a 4 month old son, no maternity pay, no child benefit payments and no money from the father, we are living off savings at the moment. I can't say things are easy, but it can be done, you can do it. Just stay positive :o)

Katie - posted on 06/28/2009

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YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm sure you've realized - when you lock eyes with your child, there is no better motivator in the world!

I've just recently begun selling Avon. It's just $10 to start and the cost of brochures &/or samples are minimal. Avon has been around so long, it almost sells itself.

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hey!

being a single mom is hard, but its worth it. i've been a single mom since i was pregnant. and i did everything myself, with alot of help from my mom and family, but financially and everything i did it myself. i've put myself thru college *im done this month* i've done everything basically myself. it's scary to be a single mom, i'm not gonna lie, but its worth it. knowing that you raised your son/daughter yourself, as a good kid. and if their at the age where he/she is talking, where they say 'i love you mommy, your the best!" it makes up for everything, all your struggles and everything.



I think it depends on the situation. Does your ex want anything to do with your little one/is he gonna be around even if you guys arent together? My ex doesnt want anything to do with my daughter, he claims he does, but it has yet to happen. and my daughter is at the age (shes just about 2 1/2) where shes asking where her 'daddy' is? and why he doesnt come see her. hmmm I guess it's either he wants something to do with your child/ and will actually be around and everything then thats one thing, it i'm assuming will make things a tiny bit less stressfull, but if not, then thats a completely different situation. honestly family is the most important thing i found. and especially going thru a divorce needing that kinda support on top of everything else. i know what its like being a young single mom, so if you wanna talk/vent/ anything you can always message me... everything will be okay!

Chenoa - posted on 06/28/2009

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When there is love there is a way. Stay positive! Read the Secret. And just know that everything will always be okay!

Victoria - posted on 06/28/2009

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Hey



I guess you are feeling a little scared right now !. I wish I had some advice to give you but I dont. I just wanted to say I hope you get through this !

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