Spanking done right is good for kids and parents

Lucy - posted on 06/28/2011 ( 268 moms have responded )

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I see this swirling debate going on as it has for years. I will tell you why I think spanking is both appropriate and necessary with most children.

My daughter is 13 and she is loving, well behaved, emotionally secure, in control of herself, and most importantly, respectful of others and herself. Isn't that what you all want for your kids?

So let's get real. I spanked. I probably spanked her a half dozen times in her whole life, and not since she was maybe 6 years old. I remember the first time she got a swat, she was just a toddler, maybe 15 months, and we were in the drive way getting loaded in the car and off she darted for the street, "NO!" I said and she squealed with glee at her freedom as she headed into the road. I caught her up just in time and I swatted her diapered butt, firmly told her no, and scared the funny right out of her. The next time I can clearly remember she was intent on playing with an electrical outlet. But more than just safety issues, what's also VERY IMPORTANT is your child respects you and listens to you. So, I did not allow what many parents do and later regret, the time when your child points a finger at you and says defiantly "NO or I won't", and everyone giggles at how cute the little bugger is, that's not cute later, trust me. The result of a swift and sure swat on the behind was that my daughter knew if I said no it was not up for interpretation as to if she was going to obey or not. I did not spank temper tantrums, I ignored them, walked away. I never spanked mistakes, like spilling something, I ALWAYS lovingly embraced and cuddled her afterwards and explained I loved her very much and was sorry I had to spank her but that she was going to listen to mommy, and that was all there was to it. Parenting is not a democracy, and if you treat it that way you will have many battles later in life.

Of course you'll hate having to spank them, that's what proves you love them. We all wish they'd never do anything to warrant punishment but get real, that's what we humans do, and your job as a parent is to teach them very young that there are rules and breaking those rules equals getting punished because that's how life works. And be consistent, don't allow it one time and spank another.

Anyone who says spanking a child's bottom with your open hand is a abuse is simply wrong. It hurts nothing but their pride. It gets their attention and their respect for your authority. My daughter was spanked mostly between two and four years and then we were done with that. She had figured out that defying me was not working well, and she quit. The other day this subject came up and she couldn't remember ever getting spanked. She's a great kid, and I'm responsible in part for that, and I'm proud of her.

Love your kids. Be the boss, not the buddy.

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Krista - posted on 06/28/2011

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Your reasoning is incredibly faulty.

First of all, you are assuming that no spanking = no discipline. I assure you that it is VERY possible to set strict limits and instill discipline in your child without having to raise a hand to them.

As well, you are giving spanking the credit for your daughter turning out as well as she has. For all that you know, she could have turned out so well in SPITE OF your spanking, not BECAUSE of it. You have no genuine proof that your spanking was the magical key that turned her into a good kid.

I'm not completely anti-spanking. If a parent uses it judiciously and very rarely, then I don't have an issue with that.

However, I do have an issue with your statements that spanking is necessary, and the only way to teach your child to respect your authority. Because that's just not so.

[deleted account]

Since you only spanked your daughter half a dozen times from ages 2-4, did it ever occur to you that she grew up into a great kid because of the OTHER 99.9% OF THE TIME that you didn't spank her?



Why do you credit 6 actions that you say she can't remember? What good is it as a deterrent if she can't remember it?



Frankly, your post reads like a trollish parody post.

Amber - posted on 06/28/2011

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Seriously? When will people get it through their heads that when you make a choice to not spank, you are NOT making a choice to avoid discipline?

Just because I don't spank my son doesn't mean that he does whatever he wants or that I laugh when he back talks me. I simply choose a different way to discipline him.

If he was attempting to play with an electrical outlet (which was childproofed), I would move him away from it and say, "NO, danger!" If he continued to go back for it, he was removed from the room he was playing in...which meant he didn't get to play with those fun noisy toys. Sitting on the bedroom floor with mom, instead of in the playroom with all those toys, was not fun and he didn't do it anymore.

If my son back talks me, like telling me he won't pick up toys. I pick up the toys and they become my toys. Once again, he didn't like that and didn't continue to back talk.

So, remind me why it was necessary for me to spank?

Minnie - posted on 06/28/2011

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Oh please. I wasn't spanked growing up, I'm pretty sure I turned out to be a respectful responsible member of society.



I wouldn't say that children turn out well because of spanking. I say they do *despite* the spanking. Thankfully, children are resiliant. Don't build yourself up so much- we truly don't have as much effect on who our children are and how they are as adults as we think we do.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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Jamila, I cannot believe you are spanking your son for wanting what is a basic human need!!! Nor can I believe you have introduced spanking into a party of your potty training. That's just horrid!!!

If we are thirsty, it generally means our body is dehydrated. You are spanking a toddler for feeling thirsty and wanting a drink so badly he will defy you? Jesus.....

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Karen - posted on 07/01/2011

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I do think that spanking has got a bad connotation with it these days and is looked at by some as abuse and I feel that it should be up to the parent to do so as necessary and in the right manner. Talking to you child afterward about why they were spanked sets them straight but I think the spanking gets the point across in the moment when it is needed as most kids are not listening to the word "NO" when they are 2 years old. I just wish people would stop associating spanking with abuse as it is clearly NOT the same thing.

Cindy - posted on 07/01/2011

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I'm not going to insinuate my kids will turn out better than yours, or yours will turn out better than mine. All I know is, I was spanked as a child and believe it did me good - there were very clear boundaries, and very real consequences for my actions. Were my parents perfect? No. Do I hold any malice because they spanked me? Not at all - I know they did it to teach me, and they did the best possible job they could at raising me and my siblings.
I have 4 kids - I believe in spanking. My kids love me and respect me. They also know there are consequences if they do something bad. Now, I'm not saying your kids don't think there are consequences - I'm sure they do, and I'm sure you have your own style of discipline.
I'm just saying - who knows if your way is better than mine or mine better than yours? And who cares? There is no instruction manual for parenting - we all do our best, and depending on each child, each one is going to need a different for of punishment - and it is up to us as parents to provide the love, guidance, and disciple to our children to help mold them int decent people.
That is my point - I'm not trying to 'attack' anyone - and if I came across that way, it was not my intent.

Sarah - posted on 07/01/2011

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I'm impressed - a 2 year old that can tell the time and know that it's an hour to bedtime is pretty advanced!

I don't know which is worse, not recognising that thirst is a basic human need which needs to be fulfilled, or punishing a small child for trying to meet his own needs. In my house I would have praised the child for being independent enough to get his own drink!

Karen - posted on 07/01/2011

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I completely agree. I think the time off option is just that - time out. They do not get the same feeling that they experience with spanking and it does work!

Jodi - posted on 07/01/2011

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So to all you ladies who hit your children out of love, does your husband also hit you when you make mistakes, out of love for you? Why or why not?



I am just genuinely curious, because I don't understand why it is ok to hit a kid, but if my husband so much as touched me, it would be considered assault, and he would be charged for it.

Jodi - posted on 07/01/2011

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Cindy, have you seen the number of posts that have accused mothers who don't spank of having unruly children, and even gone as far as insinuating that's why kids end up in prison? I am in no way saying my children will turn out better than anyones because I choose not to spank. But I will absolutely defend the insinuation that they will turn out worse.

Kellie - posted on 07/01/2011

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Sara has stated (on page 9), that she doesn't care how it's defined. Specifically:

"I don't care what the dictionary says there IS a difference. (I read the definitions BTW and I can't even see how you can call them the same! I think some of you need to learn how to read.)"

*Bangs head against brick wall*

[deleted account]

hitting is hitting. violence is violence. trying to justify it as 'love' or 'respect' is a fallacious argument. one earns respect - it is not an entitlement of parenthood. it is very possible to parent without ever resorting to spanking. it just takes a little more effort, patience and creativity sometimes.

Cindy - posted on 07/01/2011

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:-) My response to Sara was not an attack on anyone - just an observation. I have seen only verbal attacks from one side of this debate. I know I haven't cursed at anyone. I'm sure you're a fine parent and I wish you and your children the best.

The whole purpose of this forum is to share our opinions - not to beat each other up. We are all doing what we feel is best for our kids...Why is no one seeing that?

Jodi - posted on 07/01/2011

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"and from some of the heated responses received from some of the Non-Spanking parents, it's probably a good thing they don't spank their kids because they seem to have some pretty bad tempers."

And who is attacking who? At least we are only debating the issue and not your personality.

Jodi - posted on 07/01/2011

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Quoting Kellie on PAGE 9 of THIS conversation:

"From the Dictionary:

SPANK    
[spangk] Show IPA
–verb (used with object)
1.
to STRIKE (a person, usually a child) with the open hand, a slipper, etc., especially on the buttocks, as in punishment.
.
–noun
2.
a BLOW given in spanking; a smart or resounding slap.

HIT   
[hit] Show IPA
verb, hit, hit·ting, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.
to deal a BLOW or STRIKE to: Hit the nail with the hammer.
2.
to come against with an impact or collision, as a missile, a flying fragment, a falling body, or the like: The car hit the tree.

For those of you who believe Spanking is NOT Hitting, You are Wrong. Even by definition you are wrong. "

See, Sara, it has been defined. Spanking = striking = hitting. Are you trying to insinuate that you can spank your children without hitting them in any way?

Cindy - posted on 07/01/2011

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Sara - I think you have done an excellent job in trying to explain your point of view. You and I are of the same mind - but I feel others aren't - and from some of the heated responses received from some of the Non-Spanking parents, it's probably a good thing they don't spank their kids because they seem to have some pretty bad tempers.

Charlie - posted on 07/01/2011

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I absolutely agree that all children need discipline ...I choose not to use physical acts of aggression to do so .

I also didnt have a perfect upbringing ...I only mentioned my Dad...my mother ? she had different methods, even as a child the first time she spanked me I lost respect for her , even at a young age I knew my body was my sanctuary and the minute a hand was laid on it in anything but a positive way it was a violation, my father disciplined me too and the difference I felt in reguards to respect was significant .

To me it all comes down to this , your rights as a parent ends where their human right to bodily integrity begins, discipline is essential punishment isnt in my opinion.

Annette - posted on 06/30/2011

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Loureen, Where were you when I was growing up to let me know that. I would have taken the wooden spoon from my mom then being called irresponsible from my dad because supper was not on the table when my dad got home( among other things). I did not have the perfect upbringing you experienced to know how to discipline my children at first. I'll be the first one to admit I've probably made some mistakes along the way but I try my best to raise my kids right. Would you jump off a cliff or do you have a healthy fear of dying if you did, or would you drink and drive or do you have a fear of killing yourself or others if you do. Sometimes a healthy fear replaces common sense. Have you ever read a warning label on an iron? It says "Do not iron while wearing clothing", and you have to ask yourself who tried that? Common sense seems to be in short demand these days. A healthy fear of negative consequences for unacceptable behavior is not doing something because of the possible outcome, not because of actual fear sometimes. I still believe that children need to be disciplined and the severity should depend on what was done, and its all personal preference. I also think that as children get older you have to learn to pick your fights carefully with them.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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No Gerda, I AM a Christian. But I do not take the Bible as a literal document. God never told anyone to spank their children. Period.

" I also believe that anti-spankers fear spanking their child for fear of damaging them."

Really? I disagree. I don't spank because I don't believe it is necessary.

Dawna - posted on 06/30/2011

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Just a PS. I'm not a spanker, well, at least not yet. However, I will not say I will never spank my daughter. I have not had any reason to. I believe every parent does what they believe is right. I also believe that many of the spankers simply spank out of their own fear for their child. I also believe that anti-spankers fear spanking their child for fear of damaging them. We all want our children safe, well-mannered and ultimately a good citizen. I have truely enjoyed reading this post and it has given me a lot of things to think about.

[deleted account]

Jodi, I made the decision to spank my children on 1. Because the bible suggests that you love your children if you do, and that you save their SOULS from death. To me it is my number one priority as mother, to make sure my children grow up to be God fearing, God loving, God centred people (you might not understand this if you are not a Christian and I appreciate it might sound weird to you). 2. I was spanked when I was a child, and I know from experience that it did me good. So yes, it is my choice, but a choice I made on biblical principles and from my own childhood experience.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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That's what I was trying to say Gerda. You choose to interpret those verses to endorse spanking your children. I don't believe they do and I don't believe ANYONE should use the Bible to justify spanking their children. If you choose to spank you children, it is exactly that, your CHOICE. Own it. But don't say you do it because the Bible told you to. The fact is, you CHOSE to because you wanted to.

[deleted account]

You are welcome Jodi :) What do they say about opinions and assholes? Everybody's got one. Or something like that. Lol. Hope you guys enjoy the rest of the debating. At the end of the day, we all love our children and want what's best for them, and we all believe the way we do it is right.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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Yes, that's what bothers me Heather. The way people who spank their children think the rest of us have children who will rot away in jail cells. I believe it has been insinuated many times. And it's bullshit.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/30/2011

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Is it just me, or does the "rod of correction" sound kind of dirty? All this talk of rods...hmmm...

Lady Heather - posted on 06/30/2011

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I'm pretty sure I said that my way wasn't the only way to produce a decent human being and that I'm married to a great person who was spanked. But probably that all gets glossed over. And I'm noticing it more from the spankers who claim that their kids were/are so much better than everyone else's kids.

Dawna - posted on 06/30/2011

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What I find interesting is as I read these posts I see something that keeps coming up repeatedly. When a person has an opinion their way is the only way. I am seeing it more in the anti-spankers side. Some actually seem attacking.... did any of you ever think about the possibility that words can hurt just as bad as physical?

[deleted account]

29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Just thought I'll share some verses where the bible does say to spank your children, Jodi.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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Thank you Gerda, but it still does not say to spank your children. You have simply chosen to interpret it that way.

Annette - posted on 06/30/2011

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That statement also does not apply to fearing people or the law. I am a good person and would give the shirt off my back to someone who needs it more. I do not fear my parents or the law and I also respect property and everything. I do my part for the environment and always leave a campsite( or anything) the same or better than I found it. Because I choose to. Unacceptable behavior is not limited to respecting others or property and consequences are not always discipline.

Charlie - posted on 06/30/2011

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She lead by example Heather !

My Father was the same he lead by example , he always respected me and I respected him back , he listened to me and I listened to him.

He taught me to respect others as he had respected me , treat each other with empathy , compassion and respect ...never demand compliance through punishment or fear.

He was a leader and not a dictator and for that I hold the upmost respect for him.

[deleted account]

proverbs - 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
20:30 Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.
22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child, if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/30/2011

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You know why I was a good kid? Because my mum fucking loved me more than anything and I knew it and didn't want to upset the person that loved me so much. I knew it because she told me. I knew it because she showed me. All three of her kids got alone time every week with her where we could just spill the beans and boy I took advantage of that. We'd go to the beach with a drink and she would listen. I guess it was her tactic of figuring out what was happening in my life, but to me all I knew was that she cared enough to ask. When I was 13 I was a shy, nerdy kid with glasses and poofy hair. I was a social reject. During a particularly bad week at school (Valentine's), I came home to find a small bunch of flowers and a mug that said "Be happy just because you're you". I still have that thing. It's shit like that that made me call to let my mum know where I was going next. It's the strange little things she did to show she cared and was thinking of me that stopped me from going to that rave. It's the LOVE of my family that kept me going when I just wanted to be done with everything. It wasn't some fucking spanking and a big pile of fear.

I guess that's why I get so pissy when people criticize. While I don't think spanking is necessary, I also would never say it is always going to be damaging. My husband was spanked and he's a great person. But don't you dare fucking tell me that my mum did things wrong or that I'm doing things wrong. That I take personally. Do what you will, but get off your high horse and accept that tons of great people were and will continue to be raised without getting smacked.

Charlie - posted on 06/30/2011

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King solomon was hardly wise , he worshipped Idols , his own son had NO respect for him and he left his country oppressed and impoverished.....Wise ? uh I dont think so.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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There are other ways to deal with that situation, many other ways. Spanking a child for wanting a drink (a basic human need and right) is just wrong. Any way you look at it.

[deleted account]

She did say he was not allowed drinks an hour before bed, she did not say exactly when he wanted the water. Just thought people jumped to conclusions a bit quick and judging because they don't like her method of discipline.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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I will say it again, just for good measure....
THE BIBLE DOES NOT TELL YOU TO SPANK YOUR CHILDREN.

[deleted account]

hehe Heather, he actuall had more wives :) Just imagine how many children he must have had (I think he might have been a bit of an expert on the parenting issues). Anyway, he was wise, not perfect.

Charlie - posted on 06/30/2011

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Annette I choose to be good out of respect for other people and respect for authority ( law ) not because I fear them.

PS being spanked with a spoon is classified as abuse in our country , assault with a weapon.

Kellie - posted on 06/30/2011

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Actually Gerda-Lize the child wanted a drink an HOUR before bed, this is not a delaying tactic, this is THIRST.

"He's currently potty trained so that means no drinks an hour before bed time Although he knows this, he went and got his cup!!! After I took the cup from him, he got on his stool and filled his cup up with water from the fridge."

Lady Heather - posted on 06/30/2011

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Wise old King Solomon had like 40 wives and a crapload of concubines too. Guess I need to find some more ladies for my husband to hook up with to ensure proper raising of our children. SOUNDS AWESOME.



omg.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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Gerda, denying your 2 year old water because you are potty training them is not about the child misbehaving. It is about the parent not wanting to have a wet bed to contend with. That child, no matter how you spell it out to me, did not deserve a spanking. Introducing punishment and spanking into a potty training routine is, IMO, counter-productive.



Or maybe I should spank my 12 year old step-son whenever he has a glass of water at night, because he still wets his bed?

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2011

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OK, one more time....THE BIBLE DOES NOT TELL YOU TO SPANK YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!

Did I say that loud enough?

[deleted account]

Jodi, if you have a 2 year old, you might understand that they tend to want things they know they shouldn't have right before bed time, to delay going to bed. Maybe Jamila's child was just doing that and she knew it, because she knows her child.

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