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Step-daughter doesn't like her mom's new girlfriend?

Kelly - posted on 08/06/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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First I'd like to say that I have no issue with the fact that her mother *has* a girlfriend.

My step-daughter is a pretty blunt child. She's never been one to hold her feelings or opinions in. That said, she was vague, pensive, and generally shut down when I asked her about her mom's girlfriend.

Her father and I have never been allowed to meet the girlfriend. They have been living together for 6 months. When we finally got SD back (after a custody battle), she went several weeks without mentioning the girlfriend, even during relevant conversations. I found it odd, so I asked her about it. I know they had some issues getting along several months ago because her mother mentioned it at the time.

When I asked SD if she was getting along okay with Girlfriend, her very pensive, somewhat uncomfortable response was "We get along okay, but there's something about her that my heart doesn't like". So I was floored. I was expecting a flippant "yeah, we get along, but I get in trouble sometimes because I don't listen" or maybe a specific example of an argument they had.

I asked her what she meant and she just said "I don't know...There's just something about her that my heart...she just doesn't like. But I haven't said anything about it because I didn't want to hurt her feelings". She said she still listens to Girlfriend and follows her instructions because she's a grown up, but qualified it with the same "my heart doesn't like her" statement again.

I like to think that it's nothing and that I'm overreacting because I haven't met Girlfriend and that makes me nervous. At the same time, I feel like we as parents are charged with protecting the child and that something this out of character needs to be addressed. I've talked it over with my husband (who wasn't there when the conversation occurred) and he agrees that this is something we should investigate a little further.

I'm hoping that someone on here will be able to help me figure out how to ask SD about it and try to get further information without it being traumatic or uncomfortable for her. Any ideas?

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2 Comments

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Amy - posted on 08/06/2012

5,486

33

I would definitely have a follow up conversation with your step daughter to try and find out what she meant. You may find that there really isn't one thing that makes her not like her but just a feeling in general that she's not a good person. We all meet people who are ok on appearances but there is just something about them that we don't like, it could be a situation like that.

Kimberly - posted on 08/06/2012

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If all three parties are willing, maybe it would be helpful to get your step-daughter to talk privately with BOTH her of parents together? Or maybe you could ask your step-daughter if she would like to talk to her mother about it with you or someone else she trusts present? If I were in a relationship with someone who wasn't my child's parent, it would be of utmost concern if my child weren't comfortable with my partner, so I would definitely want to be aware of the concerns and find a solution that makes my child comfortable and happy.

On a side note, the fact that your step-daughter's mother refuses to let you or your husband meet her partner is a little strange to me. You are already aware and accepting that it is a same-sex relationship, so it makes me think that she may be hiding something. Obviously there is a chance that she may just feel awkward if this is her first same-sex relationship, but there could be more to it.

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