Step parenting.......

Sarah - posted on 09/21/2011

I completely agree Erica! I have read some other threads tonight and I cannot believe that these people feel this way. What difference does it make. It is not about the parents or the step-parents it is about the child's well-being and happiness. Some of these parents responses are just cruel to the child in my opinion. They are making it harder on them and they are making them feel caught in the middle. I have been there. We have never forced our son to call my husband dad (he has been in his life since he was 21 months), he started doing it on his own when we had our first child. He was one month away from turning 4. His father got so angry and told him that he wasn't dad and accused me of making him call him dad. Now that he is older my son calls my husband dad when he is here but when he goes home he calls him Scott because of his dad, he doesn't want to hurt his feelings. A child should not have to worry about their parents feelings, it is not their job to make their parent feel better. It is the parents job to make their child feel better. My son has even called his grandmother mom (my ex has lived with them since before we were married, while we were married, and now for the 8 years since we have been divorced) on a few occasions and it doesn't bother me. She is more of a parent to him than my ex is. My husband has taught him a lot of the things a father should teach his son, how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball, how to tie his shoes, etc. Why shouldn't he call him dad? I know he realizes that my husband is more of a father than his dad and I know he realizes that his grandmother is the one who takes care of him when he is with his dad. It doesn't bother me and it wouldn't bother me if my ex were to remarry. Growing up, in our house, none of us were labeled as step or half anything, we were a family, we loved eachother, that's all that mattered. That's all that matters for me with my son, I wish I could get my ex and so many other individuals to see that. It's really sad because they are being selfish and the only people they are hurting is the children.

Krystle - posted on 07/24/2011

yea I think if the kid is comfortable calling them mom or dad thats fine! Its a good thing! i have a 9 yr old from a previous relationship and a 3 yr old who is from my husband now but my 9 yr dont call him dad! and thats fine with both of us! we wont force it on her even though hes been in her life since she was 4! i dont understand why it would bother people i know maybe the other parent would be upset but i think thats just natural. so ya if the kids choose to there should be no reasin why the shouldnt! why stop that??? its a really good thing cause being a step parent can be hard so you know you are doing a good job!!:)

Christina - posted on 07/21/2011

Don't get me wrong, my husband's ex infuriates me at times because she will tell our little guy to quit acting like his dad, ect. Even with all the petty things she does, I have never spoken ill of her to our little guy, and neither does my husband. She gave birth to him, and even if she is an idiot at times when it comes to parenting (like yelling at him or doing a gesture with his hands that is not offensive but is a replica of something my husband does), I will continue to be supportive of her roles as his bio mom. Hopefully by being the grown up, she will eventually realize her actions are hurting our little boy. She has calmed down a lot, and I give her a lot of credit for that!

Julie - posted on 07/21/2011

Christina, I wish all stepmums were like you. I dealt with more than one of my exes mistresses constantly trying to cause fights between us after I discovered all the affairs - I think though it was mainly jealousy - knowing if I'd have been willing to take him back, he'd come crawling back in an instant, and them feeling like they had to use lies, deception and manipulation to make him hate me to prevent it happening. Really sad because 1. I'd never take him back, and 2. ultimately the only people it hurts are my daughter and him - the man they each claimed to "love" (before finding better offers and moving on).

Christina - posted on 07/20/2011

Carol, I HATE women like that! I don't care if you are the biomom or stepmom, grow up!!! As a mom, you should always put your child first!!! It is my job as a mom to make sure my son has a healthy relationship with his dad and bonus mom. It is my job as a stepmom to make sure my bonus son is treated like my own children and do everything in my power to get along with his mom! My husband isn't too thrilled that I'm playing nice with his ex, mainly because him and his ex still fight occasionally. I'm the nice medium right now. His ex knows she can call me if she has an issue, and I won't take sides, but try to resolve the problem at hand. All I care about is my children and what is best for them.

Julie - posted on 07/20/2011

Carol sounds like my ex's main mistress. She totally cut him off from his daughter but has manipulated him (and everyone else in her life) into believing it was me who cut him off from our daughter.

It's a real shame,but my daughter is loved by me and her stepfather to be, and that's all that matters to her.

Carol - posted on 07/20/2011

Christina- I am happy that you have a great working relationship with your son's SM. I was not so lucky. My ex married a woman who was older than he and had 2 previous marriages under her belt. She also had 2 grown kids of her own. She was and still is very jealous of me. Even though she said on nmerous occasions that she wanted to be friends, her actions were quite the opposite. She would instigate problems that my ex would have never done on his own. She created a toxic relationship and projects the blame on me as the reason why my daughter wants nothing to do with her bio father or her. She refused to play fair on many issues and my ex, not being a very strong person, fell into her traps. They now have to reap what they have sown. My daughter is an adult and the mom to a beautiful little girl, who is my pride and joy. They will not experience the joy and love I feel toward my granddaughter. I am fortunate that I no longer live in the area where they are and escapd the drama the SM causes.

Christina - posted on 07/19/2011

Thanks :) I'm so blessed that my son has a wonderful stepmom. I have called her for advice on dealing with my bonus son's mom.
My bonus son's mom now refers to me as Mommy Chris to our little guy. I finally broke down and called her to have a heart to heart talk. I let her know that I know how hard it is to see another woman with your child, and it is very hard at first. I also let her know that I love my son's stepmom very much and am so glad he has her and not some crazy woman who hates him.
Once I explained that I was never trying to take her place, she lightened up. She saw I only cared about our little guy's best interest. Things have been really smooth since then.

Laura Zoey - posted on 07/19/2011

'bonus mom'
I think that's the sweetest thing you could say about a step mom who is really doing good.

Kathryn - posted on 07/19/2011

Thank you for posting this! I was a step mom for 10 years and my step son's mom resisted any thing I did. I never once overstepped my boundries, never asked him to call me any thing other than Kate, never did 'motherly duties' without her consent. She despised me! I am now a step mom to a 7 year old and her mother has been gracious. Gave my Step Daughter permission to call my Mommy. I refused. She calls me Momma Kate (Which she always, on her own, shortens to Momma). If people can put their egos and jealousy aside, co-parenting between Step parents and birth parents can be a wonderful experience!

Penny - posted on 07/19/2011

If a child wants to call a step parent mom or dad
I think you should let him , to not seems like
You would be harming that child emotionally
I have two older kids at home , when I married
My DH two years ago if I had told his son
He couldn't call me mom that would have made him
Feel as if I didn't except him . I think it should be what
The child is comfortable with ....

Laura Zoey - posted on 07/19/2011

I have 3 step sisters and 1 step brother, one bio sister and 1 bio brother and 1 adopted brother. Phew! Lol I call one of my step sisters just 'sister'because we have a good relationship. The other steps I rarely see and don't really even know.

Bec - posted on 07/19/2011

I call my step dad dad now and then the only reason I haven't till late is out of respect to his tow kids, don't want to step on there territory or space. yet they call my mum mum. I asked if i could call there dad dad and they said why made me feel like an outsider and yet i was happy for my mum to be called mum as it's as ign of acceptance total acceptance so now having a child I call my step dad pa or grand pa,as this seems more acceptable and won't or doesn't seem to step on toes. but put it this way not that I plan to get married if i was i would invite my step dad over my natural dad as he would probably end up in the cake and cause chaos!!! LOL

Kate - posted on 07/19/2011

I completely agree with you. I have a bio daughter (who is too young to call me mum or anything else yet lol) and a 4 year old SS and he has always called me by my name. His Dad often refers to me as Mummy Katie and asked him what he would like to call me and he said Katie, so that is fine with me. The only reason we even asked is because we are so used to referring to ourselves as mummy and daddy to our daughter that when DS is with us we sometimes both stumble and call refer to me as mummy and then quickly correct ourselves - mostly when we're sleep deprived from DD! lol.

What I DO have an issue with is children calling their non resident parent of their half sibling (confused yet? lol) mum or dad when they have very minimal involvement in the childs life and are not a parent nor a step parent... but that's another issue.

Carol - posted on 07/18/2011

I'm 1 of the people who posted to the previous thread. I don't have a problem with the child calling the SP Mom or Dad IF that is what the child chooses to do. In my situation, the SM is a nut job who has a VERY different way of seeing things. She wanted my daughter to treat her like a mother, but the SM's actions showed my daughter and me that she wasn't an honorable person. Being called Mom or Dad is a title of honor. The SM was trying to overly compensate for the lack of involvement by my ex, while putting her family first and my daughter as last. With such contradictory terms, I hope you can now see why my daughter has chosen to exclude them from her life. It's my ex's loss as my daughter is an amazing woman, no thanks to him or his crazy wife.

Julie - posted on 07/18/2011

Pick your battles. In the grand scheme of things, how important is it whether you're called by your name or a title? I can't imagine forcing a child to refer to me using a title that they might not be comfortable with. Let them use what comes naturally to them. In the long run, you're going to have far bigger things to negotiate.

Penny - posted on 07/18/2011

Nicole - Since the fairygodmother is such an inspiration to cinderalla , I really think that it is awesome you have that name for your SD to call you .. Most SM get the raw end of the deal so many times anyway ......Good way to be so positive with her ...

Nicole - posted on 07/18/2011

I am a step mom of my hubbies daughter who I met when she turned 2. She is now almost 8 and hubby and I have 2 sons of our own now. SD always called me Fairygodmother :) I never liked to be the "wicked stepmother" so we changed it into above. it's funny sometimes in the shops, when I am an aisle ahead she would call out "fairygodmother, where are you?!" I think you are as much a mother to your stepchildren as to your own. I always make sure I treat all children equally.

Terralyn - posted on 07/17/2011

I have 3 kids and 2 step kids, they have all been told they have one mom and one dad and neither of us are trying to take the other parents place, however my ex is not involved in my daughters lives (he does see our son) one of my daughters has chosen to call her step dad dad, she asked us if it was ok and we reinforced that her step dad is not trying to replace her father but if she feels better calling him dad thats up to her. the other 4 refer to the respective step parent by our first names, we have left the decision on names entirely up to the kids but we do make sure they know we are not trying to replace their birth parent.

Amanda - posted on 07/17/2011

I think if the child's real mom is around & does a good job being a mom then the step-mom should have her permission before asking the kids to call her that, but ultimately it should be up to the children what they want to call the step-parent.

Penny - posted on 07/15/2011

My husband has a 6 year old son , He has been calling me mom for over a year now . I have told him it is his decission . He say's his bm told him to stop it that I am not his mom . I see how she can feel that way . I had a step dad growing up . But I don't agree that she should make him feel bad about it . I think she is jealious that he wants to call me mom . I have even told him you can call me by my name if it's easier for you .... I don't want him stressed over this .....

Jennifer - posted on 07/12/2011

I am as confused as you Erica. My husband and I have 3 kids. Mine, his and ours. We got together when his son was 3, and my daughter was 2. They are now almost 8 & 9. They call us both Mommy and Daddy. My ex is not in the picture so it is really a non issue there, but my husband's son lives with his mom and we get him the typical every second weekend. My son started calling me mommy because it was confusing for him. There was another little kid calling me Mommy and his dad Daddy all of the time. So he would slip up and call me Mommy. I corrected him sometimes and then he started getting really frustrated with his mistake. So I told him that if it was easier for him he could call me Mommy. But that I am his Step-Mommy and that his Mom is his real Mom. His BM was upset with this at first, but then we talked to her about it. Very maturely. Now my Step Son calls her husband Dad, and he seems to be more comfortable this way. No this doesn't work for everyone, but for us it does. It takes a village to raise a child and all of the parents involved in our situation (even the dead beat ex of mine) are happy that there are so many people in our children's lives that are willing to be there for them. And, more than a name, that is the important thing.

Amanda - posted on 07/11/2011

IF everyone is OK with it then there is no problem however saying that that is just between the kids and stepparents is not fair to the birth parents. If either parent is an absent parent that changes everything completely but if both parents are involved in the child's life and they have a problem with the child they and they ALONE created calling someone else mom/dad that is their right and that should be respected.

Sherri - posted on 07/11/2011

I am a SC and I call my SD - Dad and so does my brother. To me he is way more of a father than my bio dad ever was and the only dad I acknowledge.

Yes a SC should definitely be able to call their step parents mom or dad if they so choose. If step child and step parents have no problem with it, no one else should either.

I technically have 2 step sisters also but to us we are just one big happy family we don't ever refer to any of us as step. To us the step word in front of sister or parents is hurtful. We are just mom & dad and the 4 kids. Heck 90% of people have no idea any of us just aren't full blood.

Kyleigh - posted on 07/11/2011

yes i agree nothing should be forced as it is in my situation. my bio told me his BD and SM make him call her MOMMY
BD told him by phone in front of me by sprkphone i dont deserve the title as Mommy just my real name

Christina - posted on 07/11/2011

Definately should not be forced. Either way. My stepson called me Mommy Chris by accident as his mother's house and she flipped out. Next time we had him (and we have him 50/50 by the way), he called me Mommy and dissolved into a mess because he was so upset with himself for calling me something "not allowed."
My husband sat down with him and told him that at our house he can call me Mommy Chris and it is okay. And at his mom's house, he can call me Chris. My little guy smiled, hugged his dad, hugged me and jumped right back into calling me Mommy Chris (or Mommy. I don't correct him when he calls me Mommy. I want him to know I love him just as much as I love my own four biological children.)
Children should call their step-parents whatever makes them feel more comfortable. Their biological parents should not force the child to call the stepparent something that the child does not want to, whether that is mommy or daddy or the first name.
I have told my son since he was a toddler that it is his choice what he calls his stepmom. He is almost 11yrs old now and knows he has two moms. He has me, and he has the amazing woman who is his stepmom. I call her his bonus mommy.

Amanda - posted on 07/11/2011

I don't agree I was told no and I actually know more people who call their stepparents by their name than by mom/dad. I think it is very disrespectful to encourage someone else's child to call you mom most esp if they are against it. Seeing their parents fighting over what they call their SP is more damaging than being told no sweetie your mom is your mom.

Laura Zoey - posted on 07/11/2011

I said it was More damaging to tell a kid 'no you can't call me mom' then it is to allow them to call you what they want

Kyleigh - posted on 07/10/2011

yes as long as it isnt forced it should be okay i think!

Amanda - posted on 07/10/2011

I agree with both Dee and Melissa. And FYI Laura it is not "damaging" for a step parent to correct their stepchild. My SM corrected me just like Melissa did with her SC and I love my SM and she and my BM have a great relationship. I honestly do not believe my BM would have even cared if we had called her mom but my SM believed that we have 1 mom and 1 dad and as an adult I agree with her.

Kyleigh - posted on 07/10/2011

alot times really its "forced " among Step parents - i ve heard from my friend that she is the "SM," and the BD tells the child "your SM does MORE for you so therefore you should call "SM's name, - Mom!"

that would be forced

Laura Zoey - posted on 07/10/2011

I think telling a kid no don't call me mom is far more damaging then allowing it!
If the kid wants to use mom or dad then they should be allowed to.

Melissa - posted on 07/10/2011

NO ABSOLUTELY NOT....they have a dad/mom- only one dad and one mom period. You can have other adults that are important in their life but that is confusing and damaging to allow or encourge. It is also very disrespectful to their dad or mom. ...Get married then he will be a "step dad/mom" but first names are best all the way around except for the actual birth mom and actual birth dad. would you be ok with them calling potential dad/mom BF/GF - dad/mom? I know I wouldnt and I am both .....my sons "brother from another mother" ha! called me mom accidentally or testing it out (?) not sure and I corrected him when he was young (3-4)saying very nicely "no I am not your mom because you only have 1 mom and I am Melissa, but I am an adult in your life you can ALWAYS count on if you ever need anything and you are important to me. Works fantastic and I get along famously with his mom because of that....

Reply

Liz - posted on 07/08/2011

Laura, that's horrible. I can't believe your father and his wife handled that so badly. I'm sorry you had to endure that. And your poor baby brother.

Your ego shouldn't come before your kids' well-being.

Beautiful - posted on 07/08/2011

You would think a bio parent would be somewhat happy that their child has someone they feel comfortable enough to call mom or dad..... you would THINK lol. My Sd mother has decided she is takin my SD daughter full time now because she is mad that my SD calls me mom and she's mad that we didnt "correct" her when she started, well Im sorry but there was no way in hell I was about to tell her "you cant call me that so dont". I explained to her that she did NOT have to, but if thats what she wanted that was absolutly ok. She of course continued to call me mom until BM "corrected"her





I should also add that her BM has NOT been active in her life the last going on five years!

Julie - posted on 07/07/2011

I disagree Erica. Showing respect to others, is a very important thing. It IS about the child - teaching a child to respect people's feelings, especially people we don't like, is an incredibly important lesson to learn.

Showing a child that we respect the other parent's feelings is an important lesson - as well as showing a child that is important to respect everyone's feelings, including people we don't like, it also teaches a child to specifically respect their other parent.

My ex husband is a violent, drug addict, psychotic, nasty man. But I make it clear whenever the topic comes up, that unless he tells her to do something that is illegal, immoral, dangerous or in any way wrong, that she has to do what he says. Why? because he is still her father, and respecting him and his feelings is important.

It is incredibly important that a child learns to respect other's feelings, and what is the strongest teaching tool a parent has? LEADING BY EXAMPLE.

We teach a child to respect all others, by showing them that we can respect all others, including those we don't like.

And for that reason, being concerned about the other parent's feelings IS about the child.

Erica - posted on 07/07/2011

Why are you concered about the other parents "feelings"? IT is suppose to be about the child not the parents

Bec - posted on 06/24/2011

ooops very bad typo!!! Bonding is the word!!!

Bec - posted on 06/24/2011

yeah I aggree so long as it's their choice and the step has earnt it. Better than step witch LOL!! I would rather know my child is with someone they are boning with rather than someone they appose or that they are faking to the natural parents they don't like them to keep adults happy hearing what they want to hear.It takes a village to raise a child the more positive people involved the better and they must be positive to want to use such a title on someone.

Alison - posted on 06/18/2011

I have great relationship's with both my step-children. Ive been their step mom since they were 9 and 12. They are 26 and 29 now. They have never called me mom. They refer to their half brother and sister as if they are full siblings and that is wonderful. I would not expect them to call me mom, why would they? they have a mom and a dad. Just because I married their dad doesn't give me any rights to them. Ive been told many times I am the best step-mom they ever could wish for and that is enough recognition. At the end of the day, its their choice, you cannot force things like this. Plus I think you need to respect their mother as this can cause alot of upset and resentment

Kyleigh - posted on 06/17/2011

if the other non custodial parent is "active," then it shouldnt be taught Mom or Dad! THink of the other parents feelings.

However, if the other parent is inactive and doesnt take part in seeing their child then yes it would be fine.

Pretty much as long as its not "forced!"

Therese - posted on 06/17/2011

Wow, my scond husband, sp to my kids, is called by his christian name, we told the kids they could choose, sometimes the say dad, sometimes his name, but they boh refer to him as dad in conversations with friends. I can't see how there could be a right or wrong to thi s.

Jade - posted on 06/17/2011

my son calls his step mom "mama Sandy" We all prefer this over him calling her mom. I explained this to my son like this...if you say mom and are referring to Sandy no one will know this, they will think you are talking about me. This makes it easy for everyone involved. I think what the family chooses to do is what is best for them. When it comes to titles each family is different.

Amanda - posted on 06/15/2011

I am a stepchild as well as a single parent. Personally I never called either of my stepparents Mom or Dad I called them Lee and Mary, I do believe it is a matter of respect because we ( my brother and I) have a mom and dad.
Likewise I would not be ok with my son calling someone else mom but I would also NEVER allow or encourage my son to call someone else dad.
Yes children can be loved by many many people and they can have multiple father/mother figures in their lives. I have three "Dads" (my mom's 2nd husband is still in our lives).

Julie - posted on 06/15/2011

I have told my daughter when she's asked to call my partner dad after we get married next year - no. She only has one biological father, and even though he hasn't had anything to do with her for years (cut off contact altogether because his mistress is still paranoid to this day that he'll ditch her and try to get back with me - like he has any chance of that NOT).

But despite what her BF is like, I don't feel right letting her call anyone else "dad".

If she still insists on it after we get married, I won't force her to stop it, but I'll still discourage.

I'll only stop trying to discourage her if she still wants to call him dad when we have our own kids - she'll be at least 12 by then, and old enough to decide for herself - and after we have kids of our own, I wouldn't want the kids to start calling my partner by his first name (which is what my daughter calls him now) and I wouldn't want my daughter to feel left out by being the only kid in the household not calling him dad.

So to answer your question - I do believe younger kids should be discouraged from calling SPs "mum" or "dad" unless it's causing disunity with half siblings and step siblings.

When kids are old enough to totally understand the dynamics, it's a little different. They should be allowed to call a SP anything they like - but I think it's important for a SP, even if they are called mum/dad to still insist that the child still refers to their birth parents as mum/dad, even if the BP doesn't deserve the title.

Keli - posted on 02/21/2011

it really depends on ones situation,my brother;s Bilogical father was a deadbeat,and over the years my brother started calling my father his father.

Teresa - posted on 02/21/2011

Oh... but last they told me their stepbrother now refers to my ex by HIS name instead of Daddy.... No clue how/why that happened though. Not my business.

Teresa - posted on 02/21/2011

I think it completely depends on each personal situation and neither way is automatically right or wrong.

My step-nephew met my brother when he was 2 and instantly started calling him Daddy (actually Daddy Chris at first). Of course, his biodad was an abusive creep and has had no contact w/ my nephew since he was 8 (he's almost 18 now). My brother IS his dad.

I am not ok w/ my kids calling their stepmom Mom and I won't be ok w/ them calling any man other than their father Dad. My ex left when our girls were 6 and our son was a newborn. He practically didn't see them at all for almost a year and a half. My girls started calling their Sunday School teacher Daddy (and I just barely knew him by face and name). It actually took me a couple of weeks to figure out that they weren't referring to their actual Dad when they mentioned 'Daddy'.... it took a couple of months of constant reminders before I could actually get them to STOP calling this 'random' guy Daddy, but it did happen.

When our son was about a year and a half my ex finally started having random visitation w/ them over here. Last summer (at 8.5) was the first time my girls actually went to where their father lives and only the 3rd time they had ever seen their stepmother. After 2.5 weeks they came home calling her Mommy and me by my first name. When I asked them why they were calling her Mommy their only reason was cuz their stepbrother calls their father Daddy. I simply explained to them that they will have many special people in their lives, but they will only ever have ONE mom and ONE dad.... everyone else needs their own names. I definitely FELT a lot more than I expressed, but it isn't the kids problem to know about all that mess.

JoAnn - posted on 02/21/2011

As a mother of two wonderful sons and a step-mother to three more great young men, and as a person who is both a daughter and a step-daughter, I would have to say so much of this discussion is personal and depends on the situtation. My step-sons were 20, 16 and 13 when I entered their lives. My sons were 10 and 12 when my husband became their step-father. They consider my husband their dad and have even taken his name, but my step-sons refer to me as their step-mother. However, we have a great relationship and that's all that matters to me. The term they use to describe me is just that, a word. The fact that they call me by my first name is unimportant, as long as we enjoy a good relationship.

I realize that the words "mom" and "dad" carry a unique and special meaning, and it is important that children be able to use those terms as they see fit, not because it is demanded of them. Personally, I think it's more important that a child feel safe enough to express his or her true feelings about all the adults in their lives and not feel as though they have to temper those feelings in order to keep other adults happy.

Medic - posted on 02/21/2011

My dad has been married to my step mom since I was 4, so about 21 years. She had two boys that were 4 and 8 at the time. I have NEVER called her mom and her boys have NEVER called my dad, dad. My step mom is a great step mom and did everything for me that she did for her boys but she wasn't my mom. No matter how crappy my mom was and is she is still my mom. I have always called my step mom El, as her name is Ellen. To me that is fine and she is ok with it. When she introduces me she introduces me as her daughter and when I talk about her I refer to her as my mom but usually I have to specify which mom seeing as I have three, Biological, adoptive and step mom. My husband adopted my son who he has raised since 8 months and my son calls him dad but that is because he IS dad. Had his father stayed in the picture I would not have allowed it.