Stepdaughter's lying and personal hygiene issues

Jodi - posted on 07/25/2012

Not sure how this thread unlocked, but I am locking it again.

Diana - posted on 07/24/2012

Ok, I know you are not going to believe this, but a lot of what she is doing is perfectly normal. It also sounds to me like she is a bundle of nerves. She needs a ton of patience and understanding because it is not going to be easy for her or you. All of her actions tell me that she is screaming out for help, but doesn't know where to start. I also think that once you start to feel better & deal with your depression. Speaking from experience (my older daughter is a very mentally challenging child because she has anxiety issues) nothing helped me more than going to therapy for myself. My therapist was great (not all are). She helped give me ideas & suggestions that helped the whole family. My daughter has what the therapist refered to as "The Princess & the Pea Syndrome" LOL. She is VERY sensative to all kinds of things like bright lights, loud noises, tight or itchy clothing. I learned that these sensativities were worse when something was bothering her. Her tantrum really didn't start because the cup I gave her was red & she wanted a green one, it was because she was stressed about something that happened at school. Another thing is that if she is telling you that she only listens to you sometimes it is because she doesn't see you as being in charge. If you question whether not you are in charge, you are probably not. Take a deep breath and say to yourself that you are the one in charge and are doing what is best for her...feel it & mean it. How you feel is directly related to how she is going to see you. If you want her to respect you then feeling like you are in charge will help. Being a mom is overwhelming even on your best day at times, sometimes you just need to take a 5 minute break, regroup, and come up with a game plan 1.) Lying: Don't give her the opportunity to lie in the first place because kids will always take it. You don't want to set them up for failure. Never ask "Did you...?" Their answer is always no. They don't want to be in trouble. If you know that they did something wrong, start from there. My daughters were fighting one day (they are now 12 & 10). One comes out yelling that her sister hit her while the other one was yelling that she did not. Ok, first of all I already know that the second one is lying because I can see the handprint on her sister's face. My first statement is "I didn't ask if you hit your sister because I can already see that you did." Instead I addressed the hitting issue which is never as clear as you would think it is. Another example would be bathing. When my 10-yr-old comes out of the shower & I can clearly see that she didn't wash her hair only wet it down, I don't bother asking "Did you wash your hair?" The answer in this case is "Of course I did!" I just deal with the issue at hand: "I know you didn't wash your hair, now come with me & I will wash it for you." This is usually met with "But I did wash it, Mommy!" Technically, I suppose running water through it could be considered washing it, but unless shampoo is used through the entire head including her bangs, it doesn't count. 2.) Peeing: She probably hides her stuff when she pees the bed or in her clothing because she is embarrassed. There is a good chance that she can't help it and she is afraid that she will get in trouble no matter how much you say she won't. Could you imagine being her age & peeing yourself? Would you want to go to your step-mom who is already overwhelmed with your siblings? Or would you prefer to hide it & hope no one finds out? What she does realize is that when you do find out that she hid it you are upset. She doesn't get that you are upset because she just contaminated the rest of the clean wash, she thinks it is because she peed. 3.) Hiding the homework: This is something that I can relate to because I did it myself. I was a perfectionist. It took me twice as long to do my work because I took my time & did it slowly. Everyone else was always done before me & I was embarrassed to always be the last one finished with everything. I used to take my in-class work, crumble it up, and shove it in my desk...until my teacher found it one day, dumped my desk in front of everyone & made me take everything home to complete and return. LOL. Funny thing is that my daughter used to come home & cry because everyone is always done before her. I was able to explain to her (repeatedly) that taking her time is a good thing. Sure, she could rush through it and be done first, but would she be as proud of what she accomplished? 4.) Chores: If you find a way to make kids do their chores when they are supposed to without being told you will be a millionaire by sharing your tips. LOL. My kids still have trouble. Especially, my younger one. For years I had to practically hold her hand to clean her room. I found that thanking them sometimes helps. My older one grudgingly empties the dishwasher every day. I make it a point to thank her for doing it like she did it voluntarily. Just yesterday she was complaining about there being so many dishes crammed in the dishwasher. I told her that I really appreciate her putting them away for me because it is a huge help to me. I told her that she has no idea how much easier that makes things for me because instead of having to empty the dishwasher before I can reload it after dinner all I have to do is reload it. Her helping cuts lots of time off my evening routine then we have more time to sit & cuddle together (which she still loves & looks forward to thank goodness!). 5.) Hygiene: I think small children are almost allergic to water. Your girl happens to be at the age where she almost seems afraid she will melt if she washes the crud off. I would get, "But I just washed yesterday!" LOL. I know that it seems like they should do it & not complain, but they don't. I found that we just started making it a bonding time. So what if she's 9. Is there any better, more relaxing feeling than having someone wash your hair for you or your back? Take a few minutes and supervise her, but in a fun, bonding way. I tell my kids that monkeys who sit around and groom each other are on to something. Sometimes we sit in a circle after our baths/showers & come each other's hair. It is relaxing & sometimes can help calm both you & the kids down.

Good luck!

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2012

Well, given she disabled her account, I think I called it. Someone trolling. How amusing.

Dove - posted on 07/21/2012

I didn't even touch on the underwear 'sharing' thing. There's no way my 10 year old would fit in her little brother's underwear and he's OLDER than the little girl...

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2012

" I found out she's been wearing her sister's underwear and then she washes it and then puts it back in her sister's drawer. "

OK, I call bullshit. There's no way a 10 year old would fit in a 3 year old's underwear. Sorry, but this simply isn't believable.

"I always tell her to check the dishes make sure she rinses them properly, but why do I always find a piece of broccoli, rice and/or food in bowls and spoons?"

Because she's 9. 9 year olds are not known for being particularly thorough.

"what, are we supposed to watch there or sit there, and tell her every step every single time she brush her teeth, how to wash her self, how to wash her face, how to wash her clothes, how to sweep, how to do the dishes?"

Yep, that's how they learn. As you said, she hasn't been with you since she was a baby. If she didn't have to do these things when she was with her mother, then it hasn't become habit for her the way it would for most children. Believe me, I have a step-son who I constantly have to remind, because his mother doesn't expect him to be responsible for himself, and I do. You can't expect, that having been brought up one way, that everything just comes naturally. They need reminding. And yes, constantly.

I just get the feeling, from the things you say and the way you speak about her, you don't even like this child. Which is really sad.

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/21/2012

Jodi is absolutely correct, in everything she has said.



First of all, personal hygiene is just not something younger kids are all that concerned about. You can tell them and tell them and tell them, it doesn't matter. However, it will click one day, so don't stop letting her know how important it is. My daughter was terrible with her hygiene at the age of 9. My god, she would stink to high heaven because she also sweats a lot and would not remember to wear her deodorant (which is nasty to use if you already stink, anyhow). So, I started making her shower/bath every single day. It helped, a lot. I know she did not use soap but whatever, at least she was in there, got wet and got the stink off. She was so bad at washing her hair that she ended up with the worst dandruff ever. I had to buy her special shampoo (nizoral) in order to get rid of it and I had to do it! I refused to bath her, though.



Now she is going on 14 and I can't keep her out of the shower. She is so conscious of her hygiene, I have had to cut her down to a shower every 2nd day because there is no hot water for others, otherwise. It has now gone completely in the other direction, so they do grow, mature and become very hygiene conscious.



As for getting her chores perfect and having to remind her all the time for everything, well for one she is nine, she is not going to be perfect. I STILL have to remind my daughter to get her chores done, almost daily. As I said, she is almost 14. She needs to learn and the reminders are a part of that growth. Annoying? Absolutely but it is what it is. I am just glad she does them, without complaint and with a yes Mom and not a big fight. It really is no big deal. Hell, the dishes? My daughter will not do the dishes unless she has gloves. Whatever, I don't care, I buy her cheap rubber gloves, then.



It seems to me you are WAY too hard on her and she is looking for some love, respect and gratification. She is not getting it. You need to learn when and what battles to pick and which ones to leave at rest. Not everything is worth a fight. If you fight everything, you will lose in the end. She will run away and she will not become the productive citizen you wish for her to be. Smarten up and treat her like a person with feelings and let her be a damn kid!



ETA:

Ah yes and on the whooping. I am sorry but that is killer for me. She should NOT be spanked/hit/whooped or whatever you wanna call it. She needs you to hear, listen and care for her. Put yourself in her shoes and treat her as she should be. End of story.

Geneva88 - posted on 07/21/2012

The doctor put in a referral, we're supposed to be getting a phone call from them sometime next week. I hope they will schedule one soon because my husband will be coming home for his two weeks vacation, I think it would be better if he'd be there. I know she needs help, I've been helping her since she was 7, but it seems like she doesn't want to help me help her. One time her friend came over, and it was a last minute decision for her to spend the night, and my stepdaughter was gonna let her use one of her underwear, so I told her you do not share underwear, that's why I got upset when I found out she's been wearing her sister's underwear and then she washes it and then puts it back in her sister's drawer. Again, I know she's a child, but seriously? Her wearing her sister's underwear and then putting it back for her sister to wear?! Really?! Seriously?! I always tell her to check the dishes make sure she rinses them properly, but why do I always find a piece of broccoli, rice and/or food in bowls and spoons? I try not to stand there and watch her every single time she does things, because I want her to know that I trust her and I expect her to do things she's supposed to do, and what I tell her to do, but once I turn my back, then she goes back and she does it how she used to do it. Yes, she'll be 10 years old in less than a month, and all these things, I've been telling her, my sister in law, my mother in law has been telling her and showing her, watching her, but what, are we supposed to watch there or sit there, and tell her every step every single time she brush her teeth, how to wash her self, how to wash her face, how to wash her clothes, how to sweep, how to do the dishes? I have another 3 year old and a 4 month old that I also got to take care of. I ask her to I need her and I want her to start getting it together because I need her help, that she needs to set a good example for her younger siblings. All she cares about is how she looks in the outside, her earrings, how shiny her lips are after she puts her lip gloss on, polishing her finger nails, her toe nails, and her hair, she likes to stand in front of the mirror and dance, or make faces, I know because she would take a video of her self with my phone. And I told her, it also matters how she cleans her self. So hopefully when my husband gets here for his 2 weeks vacation, maybe she'll get better. I haven't whooped her, when it comes to her personal hygiene, I don't whoop her, I just tell her the same thing over again, why she needs to keep her self clean, why it's important...... but if she keeps not picking up after her self, not wiping the toilet sit if she had pee drops or for not wiping it when she gets poop on the toilet sit (I don't know how she does it), or hiding her pee underwear or clothes in her closet, then I send her to her room, make her write, no t.v for the rest of the day. *sighs*.

Dove - posted on 07/21/2012

So what happened to the family counseling idea? Did you get her in counseling? She sounds partially like a perfectly normal child of that age (I have a 10 year old girl) and partially like she is screaming for help. Don't just talk about getting help. DO IT.

You won't let her bathe because you don't trust the tub? Wash it and let her soak and scrub to get clean and then take a rinsing shower (since sitting in your own filth in the tub can make things worse). As for the deodorant.... my daughter has been using it since 8.5 and it's still something I have to remind her about daily.... she likes to stink people out. lol

And quit 'whooping' her... she's almost 10.

J'ai Tonia - posted on 07/21/2012

First off it sounds like she might b adhd an two u just need 2 cut out the showers and give her hot tub baths until she learns an understand how an why 2 do so an 2 shower off after a hot bath.Hell an give her the wash rag an tell her an watch an make sure she gets up in there good.that's how I taught my 9yr old an that's exactly what I do with my 3yr old daughter

Wanda - posted on 07/21/2012

I'm so sorrry to hear you are going through such a difficult time... I know how tough This is on you and your marriage. I've been in that same position for over 4 years already and at least my stepdaughter hasn't change one bit. Try not to leave your daughters alone waiting her.

Geneva88 - posted on 07/21/2012

Ok now, wait....I did not mention the other stuff that she does, no wonder all you guys are mentioning about just her personal hygiene. I don't make her do exercises or take things away from her because she cant do her personal hygiene. The other things she does are when she poops, she gets poop in the toilet, and she does not clean or wipe them, and when she pees on the bed (which I understand kids pee on their bed) instead of washing her clothes or instead of telling me about it, she decides to hide her clothes in her closet and/or hide her underwear in her drawer with her clean underwear. The underwear the she pees on that she puts in her drawer are the ones that she pees on when she decides to hold her pee while she's in the shower. I told her she should needs to pee before getting in the shower and to not hide her underwear or her clothes that she pees on, just go and wash it, or just let me know she peed on her self, but she still decides to hide them and she tells me because she thought she was gonna be in trouble, after I told her she's not gonna get in trouble if she tells me, when i ask her if she peed on her self lately because her room smells like pee, she says no, and then when i ask her why didn't she tell me, she just looks at me like she didn't understand my question. When her sister touches her stuff, she snatches it from her really hard. She also likes to go to my room and go through my stuff, my drawers my closet, and she tells me she's trying to clean up. And these happens repeatedly. One time she and her friend were playing in the backyard, I don't know they or she did it but the lock in the back gate broke and my husband's grill, she broke it too. One time she was helping me clean the house, I had her wipe our couch, and they're leather, I told her to just use the spray on the couch because it's just for leather, I tell her that for the last few times we cleaned the house, and then one day when I asked her to dust, she went and grabbed the leather spray and she sprayed our tv stand and she sprayed our tv and started wiping it, it was a good thing I smelled it and she just started wiping the tv when I went to see, so now the tv screen has this oil mark on the screen. The other day she dropped her bar of soap on the floor, and she said she needed a new one, we told her just rinse it, and it should be good, days after that, my sis in law found this bowl, with water in it, with her soap in it, when we asked her why she did that she said she was trying to wash the germs away. i've asked my friends who has daughters for their advice but now, they don't even know what to tell me anymore or advice. There's a lot of stuff going on, stuff that she's doing and just makes me wonder what she be thinking when she does them. Like I said before, I know she's not a kid, I don't expect her to be perfect, I just want her to listen to me, and not forget like she tells me all the time, i want her to stop lying to me (and i tell her she's not gonna be trusted if she lies), I want her to be happy. She's doing ballet now, and I told her if she doesn't want the kids to talk about her, she needs to really start taking care of her personal hygiene because they're going to talk about her because she already has vaginal odor and her underarm has already started smelling especially that she tells me no one wants to talk to her in the classroom too or they are being mean to her because they don't pass her the ball when they play ball, and not to forget to put her deodorant on, and she's about to do TaeKwondo now, and she says she wants to learn her to play piano next. So I just tell her one thing, she needs to start taking care of personal hygiene, but I haven't seen any progress yet. That's why I asked to go to Family Counseling because I want our relationship to be better.

Geneva88 - posted on 07/21/2012

I do not put her nose to the wall until she falls asleep, and I do not make her do hard exercise and she enjoys it actually, she asks me what else are other exercises I want her to do, I have her to push ups and jumping jacks and sit ups• I know she's a child, I don't expect her to be perfect but its like you have to tell her about everything or remind her all the time, and she got so used to it she only waits until we tell her to. I bought her sticky notes to remind her what she needs to do and she draws on them, we wrote them on paper & put it on her wall, it didn't help. I don't compare her to my daughter because its not right. I do thank her and praise her and tell her I appreciate her when she does stuff, and that I'm proud of her. Yes she gets rewarded for good great stuff she does. I spend time with her with just her alone because she loves it when we spend time together with just me and her, she got a laptop, we go to bath&body works

to buy lotions and body wash & from Avon as well. I also put her situation in mine and my daughter's and my son's. The lying, that started when she just got to us, especially when her dad is not around around. The thing is she would get her act together and then go back to how she was but

. . its like she gets bored. I don't abuse her and I don't neglect her, I love this little girl I care about her

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2012

" While personal hygiene is natural to most"

Um, could you please explain to me how personal hygiene is natural and not taught/learned?

Missie - posted on 07/21/2012

Being in the military you have access to programs that can help you. While personal hygiene is natural to most, she may not have been taught by her mother. She does sound jealous of your other children, and she is probably very insecure. Stop comparing her to your other daughter (and you are, whether you see it or not) and explain to her that when she lies, there are consequences. My son went through a period when he lied and I told him that a person who lies can never be trusted for anything. I made a point of verifying everything he told me for about a week -in front of him- and then intermittently after that. But use one of those counselors for your daughter-she needs it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/21/2012

I agree with Jodi. Your punishment does not fit the crime. She is young, and will need to be reminded of chores and hygiene. She is crying out for your attention, acceptance, and love. It sounds to me like she is just not getting what she needs from you, so she is going for the negative angle.

If you cannot watch her in the morning, then she needs a shower at night. And yup, a reward system needs to be in place, rather than a punishment system. Really whipping her for not doing her chores or cleaning her crotch, is not going to efficiently get your point across. Quite frankly, it sounds like you are being the evil step mother. I know you are trying, but really your angle is not working for her. Talk to her like a person, not like a baby. Go out with her like she is a big girl, one on one time if you can.

Jodi - posted on 07/21/2012

Jesus...... she's NINE for crying out loud. Yes, she will have issues with personal hygiene. You make her do exercises, you put her nose to the wall until she falls asleep, you Whoop her butt? No fucking wonder she lies to you. They are cruel and unreasonable and unrelated npunishments for not taking full personal responsibility for her personal hygiene. Sorry, but she needs help and reminders, not punishments and threats. Have you ever considered rewarding her for the times she DOES do good, the times she DOES remember without being reminded? Or do you just rag on her because she can't do anything right?



Children have a tendency to be slack in the hygiene department. You can tell them until you are blue in the face WHY they need to take care of themselves, but they forget, they aren't methodical like adults are about their hygiene. It is a LEARNED skill over a long period of time. YOU need to establish a routine of reminding her. Kids NEED reminders.



She doesn't do the dishes good enough either? She's NINE. My kids didn't do a great job of the dishes until they were almost teens.



Oh, and with regard to doing stuff together, I think people meant just you and her, not with your daughter.



"Don't get me wrong, she's beautiful too, and I make sure I tell her that all the time and that's she's very intelligent. "



And this right here ^^^^ you tell her she is intelligent when she says she wants to be beautiful? You can't tell her she is beautiful? You have to differentiate and make it clear she is intelligent? Do you understand what that says?

Geneva88 - posted on 07/21/2012

I wasn't saying that my daughter is prettier or looks better than her, it's just that she would say "I hope my hair was like hers" or she just looks at her sister and she looks so sad, and I asked her what did she look like that and she tells me "I wish I look like her". I just tell her that she's beautiful and she should be contented with what she has. As far as showering, I've stood there and would watch her shower, and she would do what I've showed her and told her how she's supposed to watch her self, but in the morning, especially when she get's ready for school, I already left the house for work, so I don't get to watch her shower or brush her teeth. I've showed her how to wipe her self from front to back, and I even showered her my self a couple times! When she just go to us two years ago, it's like she was scared to stand in the shower, it's like she couldn't breath, I asked if the water was too cold or hot but she said no, it's like she wasn't used to being under the shower. I let them take a bath in the bath tub because I don't trust the bath tub here in gov't housing, especially that the house we're living in is old, even if the tub is clean, I still don't want them to take a bath in the tub. For her chores, I do watch her, but my thing is, she doesn't do them unless we remind her to do or unless we tell her again, when she does the dishes, she doesn't wash them real good, so I would have her wash them again, and then she starts crying and she tells me it's too much.
As far as for punishing her, I have been punishing her, I had her do exercises, facing the wall (and she ends up falling asleep while standing, even if I tell her to not touch the wall), I took things away from her room, no television, no video games, I made her write, I sent her to her room (and next thing you know, I hear her singing), before I was scared to whoop her butt, and then my husband told me I'm her mother, and I shouldn't have to wait for him to do that, so I started whooping her, but nothing is still working. It's like every day there's something that she's doing. I have a talk with her all the time, we go get hot coco from starbucks and go to the park and talk, we go out to places, I take her with me every where I go (from shopping, to grocery shopping or just to gas the car). I talk to her all the time, why it's important to do this or to do that, I've been doing this for almost 3 years!
When she just got to us, I made sure that I spent time with her because I didn't want her to feel left out or I didn't want her to think of me as the evil or bad stepmother. But when I took to her, when I look at her, it's like her face is completely blank, like what I'm telling her is not registering in her brain, and she keeps forgetting them.
When I took her to the doctor, I also asked the doctor if we can get referred to family counseling, when she asked me what was going on, before I got to say anything, I just broke down and started crying, and she was just sitting there, like nothing was going on.
I really really really don't know what else to do. The only thing I'm waiting for is for my husband to come home for deployment and maybe she'll get better.

Kristin - posted on 07/20/2012

My step step son who is 10 he's hygiene issues and lies and sneaks with me as well. He will go all week without taking a shower when he is here with us. He doesn't brush his teeth, he lies to me all the time about almost everything. When I talk to my husband about these things and punishment for him, he always says that im harder on him than my step daughter who is 13. Like you, I have shown him online about germs and diseases and such, no impact though. Its so frustrating!
With chores, I have now begun to sit and watch him do them so I know he does them fully, if I don't he either does it half a** or lies and says he did them when he hasn't.
With showers, I now shut off whatever he is doing and make him shower. I give him fair warning before hand by saying "you have to take a shower before 9pm". If he hasn't, I shut the tv or game he is playing off and make him shower.
I am still working on the teeth brushing issue.
my step daughter doesn't give me these troubles at all. Even when she was his age she never acted like how he does now. I hope my 2 year old doesn't give me these problems.
I think with me and him, he sees me as 3rd in command. With his father first and mother second. He knows his father will over rule me with him if he goes and complains to him. He doesn't see me as a parent because im not his mom.
start with the punishment for lying to you. Watch her do her chores. Make her shower.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/20/2012

It really sounds like she is attention seeking. Having to take her to the doctor is getting her noticed and everyone worried about her. Just saying.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/20/2012

I agree with Angela across the board. But especially about treating her the same as your daughter. Also, and biggest point, get her in the tub. DAILY! Even if just to wash her body, vagina, and anus. Then she can stand up and wash her hair easier in the shower. She just may need you to literally show her what to do.

Angela - posted on 07/20/2012

First I will say that the way you made the comparison to her and your daughter was really like you were pointing out things that your daughter have better than her! In my opinion the hygiene issue if it were my daughter/stepdaughter and she was having an issue with cleaning herself and it was causing us trips to the doctor I would be giving her a bath myself like I'm sure you still do with your 3 yo and your son for that matter! Maybe she hasn't been taught properly on how to bath herself or maybe he doesn't understand the importance but at the end of the day I think it is your responsibility to make sure that it is done! As for her lying and being sneaky and causing danger to her other siblings that is where you have to step in and punish her for her behavior and explain to her why you are doing so! There are so many kids that act up toward step parents and especially when the real parent isn't there so she is testing your boundaries and you are showing her a weakness! You must get a backbone and lay down some ground rules but first thing first she has to bath properly and get rid of these issues because this can cause her issues in the long run and guess who everyone will point the finger at! U!!!