Stopped boy seeing his dad now im paying for it

[deleted account] ( 81 moms have responded )

I had my little boy when I was 20 and am now 35.

To cut a long story short i was very bad to the father. I said bad things about him that weren't true and stopped him from seeing our boy. Last year when my boy was 14 years old the father turned up unexpectedly at our sons school and told him that he was his father, showed him court documents etc to prove that he had done nothing wrong.

My child came home from school and said "i knew all along, im going to live with my dad" and he left. He has NOT spoke a word to me since and that's been nearly a year although it feels like 100 years.



Moms. Don't do it. It aint worth it.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

You must have had a crappy relationship with your son if he is willing to turn his back on you after 14 years of your care.
And if the court documents he showed your son proved he'd done nothing wrong then why did the courts side with you?
And why is your son allowed to live with his dad if the courts deemed him an unfit father after your "lies"?

Someone is still lying!

Jodi - posted on 09/01/2011

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Amy, I am really sorry you have had to learn the hard way. I absolutely agree with you that what you did was wrong, and I am glad you have the courage to share your mistake with everyone because some people here need to hear it. Every day, I see people bringing their arguments with the ex to this board and putting the child in the middle, and it makes me want to scream. Children have the right to a relationship with both parents, and despite my grievances with my ex, I thoroughly 100% support my 14 years old's relationship with his dad, even though it means putting him on a plane on his own to go and visit and that freaks me out.

Your son may end up forgiving you, but right now, he has every right to be angry at you. You impeded on his rights. You took away a part of his life from him that he had a right to. That's going to take a long time for him to get over, if ever.

Can I suggest you reach out to him through a letter. Tell him you were wrong. Tell him you understand that what you have done may be unforgiveable, but that you hope that one day he can find it in his heart to forgive you. Tell him you love him and that you deserve his anger right now.

And I don't know what it is that was between you and the father that made you want to do this, but you need to apologise to his dad too, and make it clear you KNOW you were wrong.

Sorry, I know, a LOT of humble pie. But when you make these apologies, you need to MEAN it. It can't be just to get your son back. You need to honestly own your really bad choices in this.

Finally, I would suggest some counselling for you. This may help you find a way to cope with your loss, and also may help you find a way to move forward and take further baby steps to gain back a relationship, whatever that looks like, with your son.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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I am just finding this story a little suspicious because of the drastic, sudden change of heart and the, "oh I learned my lesson... bla bla bla I'm just trying to warn all other *bad* mom's who do this..." The father is awesome, he's a great father, totally undeserving... and putting him up on a pedastal. Where's the anger and spitefulness now? You wan't us to believe you suddenly changed your ways overnight?
I just find this story is missing a lot of logic and has holes in it... so I'm asking questions to fill in those holes and make sense of it. And you attack me? Accuse me of being this *type of mother*?

I have my suspicious that you are not who you say you are, and that you are indeed a father that is struggling in a situation like this and trying to vent on women who do this sort of thing.

Maybe it's just a conspiracy theory... but this story just isn't adding up to me and I'm skeptical.

Jodi - posted on 09/01/2011

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Amy, go and get yourself some counselling. You sound like you need some help coping with your feelings on this too. I understand you must be finding it very difficult to forgive yourself, and that you are probably in a very dark place right now. You can't change what you have done, but you can learn to move forward from it, and for your son's sake, you need to do this. He may not be talking to you now, and may not forgive you for a long time, but one day he might (and probably will one day be able to put aside his anger to find a way to at least try to understand) and you want to be there for him when that happens, and you want to be in a place where you can be everything you need to be for him.

[deleted account]

It is a statement of fact. Why would your son suddenly turn on you if you had a perfect relationship? And if it was that bad that he would cut you off for a stranger then salvaging your relationship is going to take more than this whining, pity party you have going on.

You made your bed now lie in it.

I really don't know what this post is about. Justice for fathers or to bitch about mothers.

I can see why people believe you are a man.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

81 Comments

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Katherine - posted on 09/02/2011

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How are they off topic? We're just trying to figure some things out.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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I am not asking questions that are so personal and private that a mother would not want to share. I mean what mother does not want to tell others things like first words? First haircut? First solid foods? First time walking? Yeah, these are not super private personal memories. Mothers talk about this stuff constantly.

[deleted account]

Im an advocate for both, i have said so time and time again that i want to prevent mothers making the same mistake i did. People can upload a photo from anywhere Marina.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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Hmmm...I think all of my questions and posts are QUITE relevant.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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LOL, you are right, but see my picture? That is the real me. I don't try to be someone I am not.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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Also, shouldn't you be being more of an advocate for mothers losing there child just in a snap of a finger to a man that has not been part of your childs life? I mean, yeah, you can have empathy for men who are not allowed to be near their kids that really want to be part of their lives. But come on.

[deleted account]

If i chose to keep my memories private what is that to you? Online you could be anyone.

Im not even going to answer off topic posts anymore at all.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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LOL, well, he is your son and if you raised him as a mother you would know these answers. These are not off topic really, you would have these wonderful memories with him. Like what was his first word? See? Memories.

[deleted account]

I wont reply to off topic and offensive posts anymore. If you had actually read past posts you would have noticed i did not breast feed. The rest is irrelevant.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/02/2011

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How was life with your son raising him? Did you breast feed? How about his first steps? When did he start eating solids? How was his first day of school, was he nervous? Tell us more about him.

[deleted account]

Support me. Help me. If i sound like a father then is that bad? All im asking is that children see both their parents.

I am NOT a man however and have not been influenced in anyway. I have read of fathers struggles though and understand their plight and I want to help them see their children from now on and will find a way fight for equal rights for the children.

[deleted account]

Im trying to think of ways to see my son...and to prevent this happening to other moms. You just dont know how hard this is for me. Children must see both parents for their own good if possible.

[deleted account]

Katherine I can assure you i am NOT a man. Please can we stick to the topic . I really need help with this. I think i will join another forum...The first advice was good from people but some people are so cruel.

[deleted account]

If every man in the world could read these posts and learn the truth about these matters i think they would make sure they never got a woman pregnant.

Look at these facts....
"Since the 80s, over 40% of divorced and single mothers regularly deny fathers access to his children, with virtually all of them losing all contact after five years as the courts will not enforce access rights equally to child support."
http://www.squidoo.com/children-of-separ...

I believe the facts need to be faced, and the lies need to stop. I am saying nothing bad, only that a father should see his children. I have never said anything more right. If you have a problem with that then YOU have the PROBLEM.

[deleted account]

Thank you for your very cruel post Cathy.
None of your business, ask the right questions. This is about whether my son will forgive me or not. Im not willing to discuss my personal life any longer and im not a liar anymore.

[deleted account]

Now i know what my childs dad had to put up, im suprised he didnt hang himself like this poor man who couldnt see his children. People dont kill themselves for no reason you know its the last thing anyone wants to do because humans are built to 'survive' the survival instinct is the strongest of all...This man lost his will to live after his battle. Yes i am speaking out of men. Yes i have been a bad mother, but YES i am telling the truth now and THAT is what matters. You might not like it, but so be it.
http://news.realfathersforjustice.org/in...

[deleted account]

Im not a dad. Why are you lieing about me? Is that to try to lessen the impact this post might have on other women? Or is it to try to convince yourself that women are all for keeping children away from their families?

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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Yup I would totally support a dad who was asking for help but you seem to be on here trying to get back at your sons mother by acting like her and being so mean to 'yourself' that's downright childish. If you're such a good dad then forget the mom and focus on your son. Don't be childish and try to put such a bad spin on the mothers actions

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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Totally agree Laura, Circle of Dad's would be more appropriate. But honestly "AmyB" if you had just been truthful and admitted to being a dad in this situation. You probably would have gotten a more warm response. Many women on here are supporters of Father's Rights. Myself included. But when you're not truthful and try to deceive us, it's going to get a little hairy.

[deleted account]

Jenni i agree, he is better off with his dad, although i would do better next time around if i ever got the chance and i never said that you told me to lie. I think we should leave this here, im not sure people are really reading posts and it seems some are quiet irrate.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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I'm sorry but if my mother had done that to me for 15 years. Stolen my father from me for 15 years of my life for no good reason. I wouldn't want to talk to her or see her for a long time either.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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Amy, I NEVER told you to lie to get your son back. Stop putting your own spin on what I said. I asked how he proved the allegations were false. Out of curiousity! To make sense of this story.

And IMHO from what you've told us. I'd say he's probably better off with his father.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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I know Laura, and my husband doesn't want to *take* her away from her mother at all. He's happy with their current arrangement. It's just when she tries to pull stuff like saying she's going to move his daughter 5 hours away from him. (I'm probably just a bit bitter because of her trying to estrange their daughter from him) I'm also referring to situations where the father would make a better parent. And they still automatically award the mother custody. I understand breastfeeding, but funny thing in my situation... my SD's BM never breastfed, never wanted to.

[deleted account]

I came here for helpful advice not to be questioned. I want my son back, and all some have said is to lie more to get him back. Thank you to the sensible posters for their good advice, i will try to do this the right way and hope one day he forgives me.

[deleted account]

Laura most mothers dont breastfeed these days. I didnt, (although i lied and said i did). So i dont believe the child is better off with the mother even from the outset. Fathers have a bond too. In fact my brother has more of a bond with his daughter than his wife and always did.
The rest of what you said is scientifically false and ridiculous. My son is also much more like his father than me...it was like seeing my ex looking back at me all my life.

Im leaveing this discussion now, as I have said what i wanted to say. Thanks to everyone for their replys on this.

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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Maybe you should be posting in the circle of dads group. This is for women only :)

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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The mom has more rights in the beginning because babies are best off with their mom, she should be breast feeding them and babies need that motherly bond as infants. But once the child is about 3 it should be much more equal rights mom to dad.
But I guess the court system is biased in thinking the mom is 'safer' since she carried and birthed the baby she has maternal hormones chemically designed to keep the baby safe. The dad has abound but it isn't chemically derived. He loves his child but the mom has a biological pull to it. Now moms still have abused or even killed their children and some dads love their kids way more then the mom but in general the system is biased to believe that moms generally are more trustworthy with their children.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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You were implyin *we* (Laura and I) are those spiteful mothers, Amy. And quite clearly we're not. I hate hearing about mothers using their children as pawns. I hate hearing about mothers who keep their children away from the father's for no good reason other than their own selfishness. I find it appaulling that they would put themselves before their child's needs to have a father in their life.

[deleted account]

Laura i was referring to spiteful mothers like i was who use their children as a weapon to hurt people.

[deleted account]

Jenni at the end of the day its not even about us. Its about the child. If you did keep them apart (or vice versa) you or he wouldnt have the right. It might be 'lawful' but since when was the law just.

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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Amy don't say 'we' lose our game like we are all guilty of this. My husband sees his kids all the time cuz we are in love and married and live together as a family.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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I know she does, but I'm saying that's not right. A mother shouldn't automatically have more rights just because she's female. It should always be based on the best interest of the child.



She lives on welfare in a housing project. My husband has a job and is married. My husband has a better education to educate his children. My husband has a better upbringing. A safer environment for his daughter. etc etc etc

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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I am with the father of of my children. And I would NEVER keep him from his children. I know how much he loves them. I would never be so selfish as to let my own issues with him (if we had them) get in the way of his relationship with my children or their relationship with him.

[deleted account]

Jenni the mother does have more rights! Thats why she sees the child more.



I suspect a lot of these posts as well, it upsets me there are other mothers out there who think the way i used to.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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Amy, I am 110% FOR father's rights. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and I absolutely adhore this BS they put father's through... especially men like my husband who go above and beyond for his daughter. We have her at our place 14 days out of the month. But her mother still thinks she has more rights to her than him.



So that's where I'm coming from on this.... I'm just finding this story a little suspicious... and I'm a bit skeptical.

[deleted account]

Jenni I think a lot of us think alike (or i used to think like you). It took 14 years to prove them because the justice system is biased and in favour of mothers, my boys dad would have had to wait until his son was old enough to understand himself. The court had to go with what i said to protect themselves. If i said the dad was violent then the court couldnt risk giving my ex visitation rights just in case i was telling the truth. I didnt need to admit my lies, its all there in legal documents.

[deleted account]

Laura. I guess losing my child to my lies and it being all my fault made me change my thinking...I dont love my ex, but i feel terrible for him for what i did because he didnt deserve any of it. If i could turn the clock back i would have made sure he could have seen his son.
How do i know the dad isnt holding the boy against his will? My boy left here one day after school and said he wouldnt be back. (Did you not read my post?) I know my son is happy there through friends and locals (again, didnt you read my post?) Oh my God i cant believe people are still picking on the father! What chance do our children have with mothers like that.
Just remember we lose in the end. We lose our little 'game'.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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lol I think you're reading into my question far too much or maybe projecting yourself onto the question. I'm just curious how he was able to disprove these allegations and why it took 14 years to prove they were false. Did you admit they were false in court? Why did the court believe you over him in the first place without any legitimate proof?

[deleted account]

Jenni that is something that I cant go into depth about on here but basically; If someone tells a lie, then the truth eliminates it. For one thing i said he was violent and he isnt. I said he was a drunk and he isnt. I said he didnt want to see my son and hated him and he doesnt and the father has proof of all the money he spent on court fees to try to see hs child, he has proof of all the times he came for visits and i didnt turn up etc etc etc etc. Besides, why would i want to keep my son through lies anway. Your question sounds like its saying "Tell more lies to win your child over". Uh uh. Thats the worst parenting i have EVER heard.

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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And how do you know this dad isn't holding the boy againsthidwill? How do you know the boy is actually happy there if he won't talk to you? Maybe the dad is forcing the boy not to call you. Maybe the dad won't let him call you!

Merry - posted on 09/02/2011

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So what made you have such a miraculous change of heart? How did you go from a lying cruel spiteful mom to such a regretful apologetic lady?
You talk like you love this man but you ruined his life...doesn't make any sense.

Jenni - posted on 09/02/2011

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How was he able to prove he had done nothing wrong if you had convinced the courts he had?

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