stress in childs life

Angie - posted on 11/22/2010

All 15 year olds, either male or female, have a lot of stress. If she is only at your ex's home for short periods of time then it's probably like a vacation. She will find the same stress there if she moves there. You are not the cause of her stress, all the changes she is going through is the cause of her stress.

Donna - posted on 11/22/2010

It is just the age and their way of exercising independence. Have the same kind of challenges with a 15-year old son. He says he can't wait to move out of the house so he can do as he pleases - when he is in my house, he lives by my rules.

Shanna - posted on 11/20/2010

I agree, Melanie your daughter is reaching out for help and her age is critical. It seems as though . You are making excuses and blaming yourself for the outburst and you cant fix something that isnt broken. You need to pay attention to your child and her needs. Something is missing in the emotional fulfilment dept. By taking her phone away. You are forcing her to behave much like a band-aid covering a open wound that needs urgent medical attention. Sure she will shape up if it means getting her phone back, BELIEVE ME. Her phone is most likely her only way of being fulfilled and that has to change. But you are holding her emotionally hostage and not addressing the real heart of the matter. She is obviously feeling very abandoned by someone and I am willing to bet the cutting herself means she is looking for a response much like a child who has hurt themselves. If you do not give her what she needs. This will only get worse and may lead to potential devastating consequences. You need to follow up on possible school issues. Is she being bullied? Teased? who are her friends? What are their families like? Do you ever talk with her closest friends Mom's? If so, how do they feel about your daughter? You should know every detail about those she is closest to and what their families are like. I am constantly up my daughters butt and I know she annoyed by me and proabably wouldnt ever consider me a "bestfriend" as of now. But what I do know via how she communicates without directly saying to me. How much she loves me, how she could never live without me and how much I mean to her. But in day to day life, you would NEVER know that because I spend so much time being the over protective, short leashed, never trust anyone, watch out for "stranger danger", for the past 15 yrs. I am sure it gets old. But if you rule your roost with a iron fist. Your children will most likely never stray from it when they get old.

Carol - posted on 11/20/2010

I think teenagers are one of the toughest ages to get through. I am not sure whats happened on this thread so far, as I wasnt getting the whole other post thing, but I would love to weigh in on this subject. First of all mom, cut yourself some slack, because all teenagers at one point or another feel that their parents are the cause of their stress. I want to give you a mantra that is good to repeat to yourself when parenting a teenager. The mantra is "its not about me". What I mean is this, most parents have a good healthy dose of guilt going on by the time our children are teenagers, and we wear it around. Especially moms. We tell ourselves where we failed and went wrong, and why the behaviors we are seeing in our child are totally our fault because we can see everything we messed up getting to this point. While this is true (because every single one of us has made mistakes in our parenting, and none of us are perfect) the guilt gets in the way of us doing our job. As it so happens, teenagers are very clever on capitalizing on this guilt, and using it to their advantage if need be. Your reaction to your daughters comment tells me she pushed your button, and that her telling you that you were the cause of her stress really hit you where it hurts. So, here is my advice: When dealing with teenagers it needs to be about the issues, and not about each other. This is a healthy sense of boundaries. If you are concerned about your daughters behaviors then you say "I am concerned about ...." If she breaks a pre-established rule, such as curfew, then there should be a pre-established punishment. There should be no attacks on each others character. You will have to model this for her, since she is only 15. So a good response to the comment "You are the cause of my stress" might be "Im sorry you feel that way, I know being a teenager is hard and we may not always agree, but I still love you and I am doing what I think is best" And then stick to the issue which is being discussed, which is usually a concern about their behavior. People will tell you that the trick with teenagers is to win the power struggles, but the real trick is to learn to side step them in the first place. Sticking to the issues helps this happen. On a side note, behavior that is dangerous, such as hurting one's self or others, substance abuse, and other high risk behaviors, usually require intervention to get back on track. This doesnt necessarily mean that your daughter should go to counseling, but you also may find a wealth of benefit by going yourself. A counselor can help you to come up with strategies in dealing with your daughter that will take the power struggle out of it. Hang in there, and good luck. :)

Erica - posted on 11/20/2010

After reading the OP and our private messages....please consider counseling for her. I do believe she is lashing out and something deeper is going on!!!!

Firebird - posted on 11/20/2010

That's just my personality. =) To put it lightly, I have a very sharp tongue. People are always jumping down each other's throats on COM, it didn't take me long to get used to it. So this is where I come for both advice and entertainment. lol And yes, I did find it quite irritating that the OP started a new conversation, leaving out some vital information. Her daughter needs help and ignoring the advice given to her previously is not a good idea. That's the part that bugs me.

Jodi - posted on 11/20/2010

Shanna, as you are obviously new to the site, that is to be expected :) Don't feel bad for jumping to conclusions. That is why I went to find the other post.

Shanna - posted on 11/20/2010

I stand corrected. You are correct, I did not look at any of the other post. I just read through this one and your post struck a cord. It just seemed so short and unhelpful. I apologize for jumping the gun. But maybe a more subtle approach with regard to the circumstances would be received better.
You just seemed irritated and a bit abrasive. I much like yourself am very outspoken and blunt to a fault.
Lesson learned- hey, have a great Saturday!

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2010

Here is the previous thread by the OP to which Joanna is referring. I agree with Joanna, I think a professional needs to be called in on this one.

http://www.circleofmoms.com/thread.php?e...

Firebird - posted on 11/19/2010

Wow Shanna, since you seem to have no idea what the OP said about her daughter in the other conversation, maybe you should just keep your opinions about my post to yourself. She said her daughter is a cutter, in which case, this child DOES need professional help! My post wasn't the least bit unhelpful, I was merely reinforcing that the advice she previously received was very good advice, and she really should consider it, instead of starting again, looking for what she wants to hear. This isn't just about her daughter being a typical teen, if she is in fact resorting to self mutilation, sitting down with a trained professional is the best way to help her learn to deal with all that's going on in her life. I'm starting to think the OP doesn't want to resort to that, so she started a new conversation and left out the info about her daughter cutting. By talking it out in counseling or therapy, Melanie and her daughter can both calmly talk about their own sides to the story and get some useful feedback on how they can strengthen their relationship and try to fix some of the problems. She said her daughter gets mad at her for asking questions and trying to talk to her, so how else are they supposed to work this out?

Laura - posted on 11/19/2010

Shanna, have you read the other post by Melanie? While I agree 100% that it shouldn't matter how many times a person creates new posts/threads, the point Joanna was trying to make was that this girl has some serious issues and stress is only one of them! Based on information provided by Melanie about her daughter from the other post AND this post, the problems are a lot deeper than just being able to sit down and chat about them. The best advise I can give on CoM IS to seek professional help for this 15 year old!

Yes, as the parent and it is not unreasonable to expect the rules to be followed. What does happen, though, is that house rules don't always change to reflect the growth of responsibility with our kids. Some of the feedback suggests negotiating on the house rules. This may actually be a helpful proccess: This would create an opportunity for mom and daughter to actually discuss what is "unreasonable" and what is not and make conscious choices about what house rules need changing. This process certainly will not hurt matters!

That being said, Melanie, please consider the "seek professional help" advise seriously for your daughter. Threatening to send her away to her dad's is not a solution and may make matters worse. She is crying out for your help with the cutting and constant arguing. She is seeking attention, which even teens want from parents, and she has found that negative behaviors get attention more than positive ones. Saying you will send her away says to her that you don't want to deal with her or her problems, not that you are trying to relieve her stress. I know that as the mom this is not the case! If you truly want to relieve her stress (among other things) then seek the professional help. You can ask your family doctor for references and referals to a counselor/therapist that specializes in adolescent behavior. If your doctor is unable to provide you with a referal you can call your local hospital and ask. If you know of a mental health facility in your area, call them for an appointment. As I mentioned before, I worked with kids that shared your daughter's behaviors and they got better only with the help of therapy. Feel free to message me if you want, I will "listen"! Best of luck to you and your daughter!

Lisa - posted on 11/19/2010

She's a teenager so of course you are unreasonable. And all of her friend's parents are probably unreasonable also! I agree with the other suggestions of stop fighting with her because you are the mom. Sit down with her and state the rules and consequences for not following the rules.

Mediation or counseling is a wonderful option as long she doesn't take that to mean that you are wrong and everytime she disagrees or doesn't like what you say she defers it to the counselor.

In the end you are the mother and she needs to abide by your rules.

Shanna - posted on 11/19/2010

Wow what Joanna said was so helpful! Maybe we should all seek professional help when our teenage daughters start behaving irrationally like teens do. Or maybe, just maybe, we could seek advise from our friendly and always reliable Circle of Moms group. Ugh, why does it matter how many times we post a issue? Is there a rule that says you can't post more then once on the same topic, Joanna? Because your reply was unhelpful at best and I am sure not what this mom needed to hear. But hey, why not frustrate the frustrated even more! Awesome support, Bravo!

Shanna - posted on 11/19/2010

Hi Melanie,
I have a 15 yr old daughter too. Well, she actually will be 16 next week. We have gone through the typical teenage wasteland stuff and a lot of the time she probably thinks I am unreasonable too. Guess what? To bad! I have been divorced from her father 10 yrs now and have also suggested she go live with him and which ever damsel in distress she is living with at the time. She took me up on it one time and was back with me within 3 or 4 days, THANK GOD! Our daughters do not respect our authority and usually are just as head strong as well are. Stand your ground with your rules and explain the reasons for your "unreasonable" rules. You are not the cause of her stress, generally the stress comes from hormones all out of whack. Also, my daughter suffers from horrible periods and once I put her on birth control, she turned into a completely different person over night. But anyway, usually we are the enemy until they grow up and leave the nest. Then its seems to dawn on them why we did things the way we did and they usually won't stray far from what you've taught them. One more thing. I am not sure what type of unreasonable things she feels you do but remember. You must give them a little room to be who they are and demonstrate responsibility. If they can prove they are responsible to you. Then you can give a little more lieniency. We have to remain strict and firm with our instincts when they say "no" inside. But allow a little room for freedom afterall, she is 15 and not 10 anymore. 3 more years and its her say. You want to allow her to fly a little bit so she can show you she knows how to be responsible and use what you've taught her. Hope this helps. But believe me "stress" is a part of life and something we all have by nature. There isn't anything you can do to relieve her stress. She needs a outlet to be able to spread her wings and be herself which is a 15 yr old. Girl with a lot of hormones raging.

Louise - posted on 11/19/2010

Sit down and have a chat about what she feels stresses her out and then negotiate. You do not have to give in on somethings but surely as your daughter is reaching adulthood she should have a say on somethings. Listen to her and then try and resolve it that way. Not everything has to be a fight.

Christy - posted on 11/19/2010

Maybe she has a point? Are you too strict? Can you take a step back and see if there are some adjustments you can make when dealing and talking with her? She is reaching out to you and needs you now more than ever, 15 is a hard age.

Lynette - posted on 11/19/2010

First why are you allowing your 15yr old to argue with you? What you say should NOT be up for debate. Why do her friends think you are being unreasonable? Threats do not work believe me unless you are prepared to back it up with action. I have raised 3 teenaged daughters believe me they will test you to the nth degree. If you have stated your going to send her to live with your ex and his new wife be prepared to do just that. It isn't up to the child to decide how and where she lives. It is up to you and her father.

Duan - posted on 11/19/2010

this is the time that she realy needs you as a teens, she a young adult and young woman go through things at this age, sit down and talk with her ask her what really going on besides you sending her to another state where she has to start kinda new, it must to something esle. please dont let her move to another state , it just might be more turmoil. no matter what going on she really needs to stay with you. i have three daughters they all grown now they says things they dont mean. i know i been there done that... stick with her your the parent Pray she stays(✿◠‿◠)˙·٠•●♥

Alison - posted on 11/19/2010

Is she open to mediation (social worker, family counselor)? I know how helpful it can be to get an outside perspective in my marriage, I can imagine the same is true when dealing with a teenager. With an impartial mediator, you can get some good input on what YOU can do different to improve the situation. I'm sure that it is not all your fault, but that doesn't mean that there is nothing you can do to make things better.

And try not to take things too personally - she is a teenager!

Firebird - posted on 11/19/2010

You posted another topic about this already. If you were telling the truth about your daughter on the other thread, then the advice you were given was sound. Get her professional help. Why start a new conversation about the same thing?

Erica - posted on 11/19/2010

Why does she think your unreasonable?

Nichole - posted on 11/19/2010

Please don't send her away. I understand what you are trying to do. You are trying to remove the stress. But to her it may feel like your trying to "get rid of the stress" or "get rid of her." Try talking with her on how she thinks things between you could be resolved... Or if she would be willing try family counseling, for you & her. I don't know. I don't have a teenager, but I was one not too long ago. I know it's hard because she may see anything & everything you do as a problem, an attack, or unreasonable. Try to be patient, perhaps there are other stresses in her life that she is uncomfortable talking with you about so she just blames you for the stress. I don't know, I hope I was helpful.