Taking on someone elses child.

[deleted account] ( 81 moms have responded )

A family situation has arisen that leaves a ten year old boy in the balance. We have a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl.



I am worried about the implications of taking this child in and raising him as one of our own. We have just come through a rough year and are gently getting to our feet. I know we are not perfect parents, but also realise that the stability we have to offer may be all that he needs.



The financial implications are not a worry as the entire extended family would "help out", I am more worried about the emotional implications, for us as well as this child. (He is presently living with grandparents as his mother is not interested.)



Any advice would be helpful.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Stephanie - posted on 12/13/2009

2

5

0

Make sure you do this as a team, the kids need to be involved as well. Obviously you have a loving heart and you are willing to open yours to someone else. There are no perfect parents but those that love and are willing to try even when failure is one of the options are as close as you come to being perfect. Pray and God Bless you and your family.

Michelle - posted on 12/11/2009

1

0

0

This child needs a home with a family to love him. Make sure you can commit to this before you bring him in. He will be hurt worse if he thinks this is forever and AGAIN he loses his family and sense of security. Also, I think it is important to tell your children that he is coming to become part of the family and for everyone to love him. If you tell your children his situation they will feel sorry for him and always feel like he is an outsider. Your children could be resentful if they feel he is taking some of your time or money away from them.

Janice - posted on 12/11/2009

4

16

0

I have no expeirence with bringing another child in the picture,but I think it's not much different then another child being born in the family.They;ll be some recentment & jealousy.Make sure you treat them equel.Never give one child more attention than the other.You'll want to do this with your newest addition.You can show them both love.I'm sure you'l have your one on one with them.give them all the love your heart has to offer.In time,both your children will know,they'r both loved & you need them both in your life.Be patient.Patience is a vurtue.In time ,they'll become best friemds & look out for one another.I feel all families should have 2 children.They'll learn so much more from each other.LOVE & PATIENCE IS THE KEY!!!Happy Holidays to you & your FAMILY!

Stephanie - posted on 12/11/2009

40

28

0

I also agree with Jackie. The children should not be asked to make the decision. I know this from experience, though I will not get into it.It is good to get a childs view and feelings on a situation, but you must remember that you are the adult, and you make the decisions. Explain what you want to do and why, as well as what you expect from all of the children. If you care for this boy and you feel that you can handle taking him on financially, then talk to him. I agree stability will be good for him. It has been my experience that children not only have a need for security and stability, but they also have a need for structure. They need to know where they fit in and what is expected of them. They need boundaries. Most children who are terrors are really asking, where is the line? How far is too far? And yes they fight it for a while, but once they realise you arent bending, they settle in and feel more secure. Call me crazy, but I have seen this with kids I have nannied for as well as my step kids and my own son. Yes, if you take him on it will change the family dynamics, and it may be a good idea to let your children spend time with him before he moves in. I believe someone suggested taking him on a couple weekends to see how everyone gets on. try it. That way you are making a more informed decision. And it will give you an idea of what you are getting into. The last thing you want to do is take this young man on and later decide that its too much trouble and send him off. That would give him the idea that noone wants him and family doesnt last, and he will start to try to sabotage any other chances at family because, he will want to get the pain part over with. Have you ever done that? I know I have in relationships. It seems too good to be true, so I would start to pick it apart and start fights, because I knew eventually he would want to leave, so instead of waiting for the shoe to drop, I would make it. Sick I know, but it seems to be part of human nature. "they are going to leave me sooner or later, everyone does, So lets get it over with." But if you are aware of this possible outcome you can counter it, and show them, that no matter what, family doesn't abandon you. AH, I'm rambling. Sorry. I hope that some of what I have said helps. Good luck.

Heidi - posted on 12/11/2009

58

29

8

Quoting Jackie:

I don't agree with asking your child permission. You can explain your feelings and ask them to talk about theirs. But do NOT ask them to give you a yes or no answer. First reason they are too young for that responsiblity. Second they can't make the decision. Third if it turns out to be too much and he has to move your child could feel guilty for saying yes.. or get a false sense of self rightiousness because they told you no. You need to just explain the situation, ask their opinions and continue to talk until the decision is made by you. Then if the boy comes you need to continue the talks with your children and him. Rules, expectations and feelings all need to be laid out on the table and regularly talked about so the adjusting is quick and as painless as possible.



I dont think any one could of said it better!!



And theres a few that keep talking about weekend trials. I dont see what good those are. He would just be spending the weekend at your house then. I agree 100% with Jackie.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

81 Comments

View replies by

Jennifer - posted on 12/14/2009

23

8

6

i think that this could be a chance to show this boy the love that he dosnt have in his own mom. i think that you should take him as your own.he needs you.also treat this child the same as you would your own children

Merry - posted on 12/14/2009

5

0

0

I have worked with many families and children in my career. This best piece of advice I would offer is this, if you decide as a family to do this....do it forever. You have to make the choice and stick by it no matter what. Just like your biological children, He will test you and seek his place in the family. Many Bio children end up making bad choices, but parents stick with them and try to lead them through it. You need to be able to do the same for him....if you decide to "adopt" him into your family. Because you have a bio child the same age, I would recommend becoming the "extended family". Be the Aunt/Uncle if possible. You can still show him the joys of a stable family. Two children the same age sets up some competition issues, who can be the best or who can be the worst, any given day or moment. I wish you the best!!

Carole - posted on 12/14/2009

33

8

0

Taking this child into your family and into your heart can be the most wonderful and rewarding event of your life. However, you have to consider the emotional stability of this 10 year old. Will he be a negative influence on your ten year old? As a mother of four . . . ten years ago, we too had an event arise that "gifted" us with a 13 year old boy. We chose to take him in as we thought he needed us and we could have a positive impact on his life. He had so much potential, but needed direction as he was headed down the long and wrong road to somewhere bad . . .
We too were worried about the exposure to our other children, ( ages 14, 11 & 1 ) - All three of the kids were happy to share their life and their parents and we never had a problem with jealousy or competition, just the normal sibling rivalry. The lessons we've learned, the experiences we've had and the love we've shared is amazing. My children are now 24, 23, 21 & 11 and we don't remember a time when our Jacob was not part of the family. He is my son, we eventually legally adopted him, we never pushed the issue as he had a living parent, but when he was 18, he requested that we adopt him. This was something that we had wanted all along so it was a no brainer. He was married last March, and then in June he was the best man at his brothers wedding. We are very proud of this kid as he is serving a second tour in Iraq. Jacob was a blessing to our family, and originally we thought that we were doing something for him by taking him into our family, but what we have gotten back cannot be verbalized. He is truly a blessing.

Keva - posted on 12/14/2009

1

0

0

About 6 weeks ago I brought a 19 year old in our family. Her mother was a dear friend of mine and died of breast cancer in Sept. of 08. She was a single mom. Alyssa had been having a hard time finding a perminate home. She is fighting cancer herself! It has been a joy having her and she is blessing us as much as we are blessing her!

Dawn - posted on 12/14/2009

3

0

0

At ten years old, the boy is old enough to talk to him about it. You have to be upfront about the rules and the way things work. The expectations and the way things run in your house. If you truly want to help him, then you can do it. If you are not sure, then it will probably not work out. I can tell you that knowing you have made a difference in the life of a child is a wonderful gift, but it cannot come at the expense of the children already in the home. Look in your heart of hearts and then decide. Best of luck to you!

Shelby - posted on 12/14/2009

1

30

0

Ms. Lindsay,



This is a situation that I faced 6 years ago as my niece lost custody of her children to the system! I,at the time, had one child, he was 7. I spoke to him first and gave him an option as to whether or not we would open up our home and to find out if he would mind sharing his Mom. We took custody of my 4 year old niece, and my 3 year old nephew. It was a struggle, especially since the older one had a diagnosis and was already testing all kinds of limits. A year later, we took custody of their 2 year old sister. At the time, I thought I was going crazy, having gone from a family of 3 to a family of 6. My husband was very supportive and my son as well. That was 6 years ago and we are still moving forward. My children see their mother once in a while. She calls when she feels like it but my role is to provide the stability, the love and support that they need in order to grow up healthy. I stay on my knees more often now, have gotten a little grayer and still feel a little crazy with 4 children, but it is well worth it! You can't tell me that I did not do the right thing. If you have the support of an extended family, you have a blessing. We have had to find support! Pray about it! Ask God to guide you in this decision, then talk to your children. You have to include them in the process because they will have to share everything! God bless you in your moments of indecision.

[deleted account]

So many responses!! Thank you. I have to appologise for being do vague, this child is my cousin. He is 3 months older than my son. Parents divorced +- 1 year ago, mother moved in with my grandparents (her parents). Father has moved on else where. Mother has recently moved in with her boyfriend who will not take on the child. Mother will not hold down a job, nor will she listen to any reasoning from anyone. Grandparents have told her to take her child (as a responsible parent). They will not willingly kick him out, but are hoping she will become the mother she needs to be. My heart bleeds for the child knowing that he has no stability. He has also told my Mom (his aunt) that he knows his mother does not love him.



I thank you all for your support and encouraging words! I do agree that my children should not be shoved aside, they have to part of the structure to make this work, just as much as the child has to be. I am very well aware of the emotional turmoil we could all go through, and I think this is what is making our decision just that little bit harder. The last thing I want to do is to put this child through any unneccessary turmoil, as well as my kids.



But we should all know as mother's that children, in the right environment, can be fantastically resillient!



Thank you again! Will keep you posted.

Anita - posted on 12/13/2009

12

7

0

when my daughter was 15, she was dating a boy who came from a bad home. he spent more time at our house than his own and he was always hungry. i found out that his mother was spending her disability check on smokes and booze. our daughter asked us if we could take him in for awhile till his mother got things together. needless to say, she hasn't yet. he was 15 when he moved in and i now have another son,of whom i am very proud. at 18, he joined the marines and is making that his life. he very rarely talks to or about his birth mother and calls me mom. things worked out for the best with us but that doesn't always happen. it can be a very rough road but worth it.

Vertis - posted on 12/13/2009

6

24

1

first you and your husband need and understanding about how you will raise him,and then kindly let the other parst off the family know and ask them not to but in.



Now as far as the child treat him like you treat the other two with the same love ,do not make a difference in the children ,the rules should apply to all children. It will be some tuff times. I raised a step daughter who I consider mine ,her fathers family tried to but in I put a stop to that and her mother and part of that family tried to make her not like me from long distance but I had to prove to her I loved her much as my own biological children. I had a dughter 2 yrs younger than her and I raised them as blood sisters and it worked they are now 22 and 24 and they are still close and I am still moma and grandmother to her 2 sons. May God Bless you in all your good works with him and Good luck.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/13/2009

1

0

0

so much advice. things happen so fast. you are not asking permission of your children, you can hypothetically ask about the situation. there will be compromises,and sacrafice. however, what an opportunity to bring love to someone who might not know it. I will assume you have prayed about this....Matthew 18:5 says whoever welcomes a child like this in My Name welcomes Me. Im praying for you.

Tammy - posted on 12/13/2009

40

33

4

@ Edith Baca: You must have a big heart. We need more people like you on this Earth. We have an open adoption of our daughter and our door is always open to the birthparents. They picked us because they knew that they could still love her, too.

Edith - posted on 12/13/2009

10

10

0

I had four grown children, two in high school, two in junior high and was asked by my sister to take two of her grandchildren to raise as my own. Their mother was not ready to take the responsibility of staying home and raising them. My children were secure enough to accept them and helped in raising them. Their biological mother was not banned from keeping in touch with them and when she died from cancer they knew they had a home and parents that raised them. I am glad I took them in because they love me and still depend on me for help. My cup runneth over!

Lol - posted on 12/13/2009

25

11

0

you know nobody is perfect, every parent makes mistakes and sometimes even your own child will walk out on you -( my partner did with his mum and brother)
they are not born grateful for the sleepless nights and nappy changing, the sacrifices you make. What they do want is to be loved and to be given your time and attention.
is it not possible for this child to stay with his grandparents- how traumatic would yet another move be for this child? would he feel like he was being rejected again first by mum then by his grandparents?
why are you being asked to take on this role? what do people feel you have to offer that they don't? I know some have made the assumption this is your partners child- maybe it isn't. i was asked to take on my then husbands neice by his mother. In the end it never came to it, her mother decided oh so graciously she would keep her. I often wonder what happened to that little girl. If he is you partners then I'd say he is responsible but the way you go about it should be the same.

My advice don't just jump in all barrels blazing, what relationship do you have already with this boy ? have this child over for a few hours then an over night then maybe a week, extend it and see how it goes. Get to know him and what he wants. Let him know that even if you can't give him everything he wants, and you will never be his biological mum and everything he wants her to be- at least you are listening and taking on board what he has to say.

Do you feel you love this child or could love him?

I work with kids who have ended up in care, my sister in law fosters.

The result can go in many different directions- children who have been adopted and fostered by strangers and family who have integrated well and gone on to have great lives.
kids who have gone on to have terrible lives, including the siblings of adopted and fostered kids

are you brave enough and strong enough to be in for the long haul
will you be able not to blame him for everything that goes wrong if it gets hard?
do you really believe that when it comes down to it the rest of the family will pitch in?

whatever you chose goodluck

Patricia - posted on 12/13/2009

3

23

0

i just took in my nephew myself so i understand exactly what you are saying but my financial is a little weak and my stability is not all the great but due to the child i took him in giving him what he needs ( a family) but with god help it will all work out. if you got what the child needs by all means give it to him cause he might not get it anywhere else

Jackie - posted on 12/13/2009

11

33

1

hi i'm sorry but if ur partner / husband is willing to take on your 2 children and love them as his own then why are you questioning taking in his child?



as alot of people have said, start small and then progress to bigger. have the child over for dinner once a week for a few weeks, then over to sleep one night, take the child and your children out for day trips, include your partners child in all family activities and just treat him like a friends child to start with, he will start to trust you and find his feet within the family "friendship", he will learn to play with your children and share with them. take up to 6 months if it is possible as you will learn more about the child and the child about you and your children.



please don't make the mistake of trying to be this child's mother until the child is ready. i have often sat step children down and told them that i'm not there to replace their mum as they will only ever have one mum and that i just want to be their friend. i have found that it takes the pressures of both yourself and the child.



good luck with it all

Kim - posted on 12/13/2009

4

63

0



Has he ever stayed with your family before? If not then bring him in for a week or so let him adjust to your family, let himknow your house rules and when he has done wrong don't come on to strong as this could do greater harm...... You said you had a10 year old yourself, do they get along together??? Don't tell him that this is permanent for him being there that you just want him to stay for awhile and see how things go from there..... After he seems comfortable then ask if he would like this to be his new home, If he has been living w/ grandparents then most likely you is a little spoiled, (possibly), Just don't come on to strong with any intentions let me make some decesions he is 10 and if he has been moved around alot, he really doesn't know what a home is like!!!



 



 



Hope this was helpful...... Kim Fultz 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



Quoting Lindsay:

Taking on someone elses child.

A family situation has arisen that leaves a ten year old boy in the balance. We have a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old girl.

I am worried about the implications of taking this child in and raising him as one of our own. We have just come through a rough year and are gently getting to our feet. I know we are not perfect parents, but also realise that the stability we have to offer may be all that he needs.

The financial implications are not a worry as the entire extended family would "help out", I am more worried about the emotional implications, for us as well as this child. (He is presently living with grandparents as his mother is not interested.)

Any advice would be helpful.





 

Rukhsana - posted on 12/13/2009

2

11

0

hi my parents took on a child when she was just 18 months old and to cut a long story short she decided to go back to her biological parents at 16 years old. so you have to look at the other side of things as well, you can take them in and make them your own but what happens when they want to leave? and what implications would this have on your children? talking to your children is vital, your not asking for their permission but you need to know that they can handle your participation with another child and that they too can handle another person entering thire lives as this is a lifetime commitment.

Tammy - posted on 12/12/2009

40

33

4

I have done it and would do it again and again if I had a chance. I took in my daughter's friend when child services took her from her adoptive mother. This teenager had been told all her life that she was ugly and stupid which was totally wrong, she is beautiful inside and out. She had been raped before she was 5, cared for two younger sisters while mom went out at 4 yrs old. Taken from her mother and put into foster care for 4 yrs before being adopted by a crazy woman, who I have no idea how she was ever allowed to adopt anyone. Her adoptive mother used her like Cinderella doing all the cooking and cleaning. Every couple of months, the adoptive mother would come home from the doctor with a new incurable illness and would tell them that she is dying. She found her adopted mother's biological son when he committed suicide to get away from his mother. It is sad that any child would have to go thru a life like this.

She now is in college with all A's, works fulltime at a hospital and is raising a beautiful little girl. She no longer cuts herself with razor blades or thinks badly of herself. I hope that our influence, love and understanding helped her be a better person and live up to all she has to offer for she is a wonderful person and just needed someone to love her for who she is.

We have also adopted our baby girl and could not love her any less than our other children. When you decide if this is right for you, remember this is not a puppy you can give away if it does not work out. You have to have the mindset that this is forever. Yes, there can be hard times but you can get that with your own children. If you treat them with respect, love and understanding they will thrive and grow to be just as much part of the family as your own children. I bet if you talk to your children, explain this is a forever sleepover, they would be just as excited as mine were. Be honest with the 10 year old and make sure he would want to come live with you forever. Then if you do take him in, make it legal and adopt him so that his parents cannot come back in a few years and play with his heartstrings to hurt him again.
Good luck; I hope it works out for all for the best for all.

[deleted account]

Well, as far as I can see, Jackie, Kelly and Debbie and Shaleni, for that matter, have said it all. No, you don't ask the kids. Yes, it's a tremendous responsibility. No, you have not given enough information for people to respond. And, yes, a 10 year old boy already knows rejection and by asking the question, you are doubting, so, unless you are sure, have no doubt and are committed to offering this boy what he needs - all the while realizing that he'll end up giving you far more than you'll ever give him (just like our own babies do), you should not interfere. I have four children, two step-children and one child I've chosen to be my own - I broke up with his dad after five years and kept the son. I can tell you that if you make them feel special and wanted - really really wanted, all the world will fall into place no matter what happens - and I can tell you - it all happens. The "real" children of yours and the step children and the half children and the optional children and the just for the heck of it children - all of them - if you look into their eyes and tell them "I just plain love you because you breath air" well, that seems to be all that is required. The money you'll spend doesn't matter. The time you will invest, doesn't matter either. If you can look at that boy and feel love - then you can do this. If he achieves a goal and you feel a flutter of excitement, then, do it. If he murders somebody and you can stand there and say, "I don't like what you did, but I'll go to the electric chair with you" then, say yes to that boy. Otherwise, do not bother. It's all or nothing. I've lived this and in the beginning, nobody says thank you. But, as you go through the years and they get an electric bill in their names, all of a sudden you are the smartest person on the planet and the fact that you were always just over their shoulder always - no matter what - this comes back. I have a son who is now a lawyer, another son who is now a police officer, a daughter in college who wants to be a doctor and just passed her EMT training, another daughter who wants to be a marine biologist and plays the flute like an angle, a step son who is a forensic pathologist, another step son who spent five years as a police office in the military, another chosen son who wants to be lawyer like his dad who just spent the weekend with me telling me all that he is doing and thanking me for the time I saved him from his crazy mother - he laughed at me remembering how I yelled at police officers to 'get my boy out of that police car immediately' and how I screamed until they gave him back to me. (and he wasn't my son, I had nooooo legal authority) - but they did it and he was saved and proud. And, by the way, we never ever ever ever say anything bad about mommy. We always welcome her and speak well of her. It all boils down to taking this human being into your heart and loving them no matter what - no matter what they do or what others do to them - you must be the safe place and except the fact that they may ignore you when times are good and embrace you when times are not good. This is what mothering and nurturing is all about. Do no expect a thank you - give a thank you every day. I'm ranting on here, I've just realized, so, enuff said. Love and prayers, Patsy

Shaleni - posted on 12/12/2009

2

22

0

Hi,



We all know as parents that the most important thing that we could give children is love and attention....if you could provide that, then all other will fall into place...



good luck!

Doris - posted on 12/12/2009

14

30

1

There are so many wonderful responses to your situation, but I pray you are led by your heart. I work with women who have given up their children or "left them in the balance" because of the lifestyle they have chosen. It saddens my heart to see the children left behind, placed in foster homes or with family members that "really don't want them" but take them any way. If you can find enough love for this child added to the love for your own children, then by all means give this child a chance. I am raising a ten yr old and love him dearly. He did not ask for his situation, but if I had not stepped in, well ..................... I'll be praying for you.

[deleted account]

I am a special ed teacher that has related to many parents that have taken on another parent's child. The biggest thing is that you are sure you are in it for the long haul. It will be a hard blow to a child that already has abandonment issues with his parents, to be later told that "It's just not working for our family to have you with us any longer." I have always had great admiration for people that choose to parent another's child. God bless you for your loving and caring heart.

Mary - posted on 12/12/2009

1

20

0

I took in my sister-in-laws 3 children for one month and it was very hard and at the time was not told about any problems they children may have had. I was hard and very emotionally draining but also very rewarding by the last week. There are always ups and downs in life and we just have to make the ups the most rewarding and keep all of the children in the loop. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Christel - posted on 12/12/2009

91

13

0

I just read most of these posts and I have to agree with Lisa Preecs she came up with most undrestandable solution with the firstborn child because that is true you have lots of plans for your firstborn and want him to succeed in life they would have to share everything your oldest might resent the other boy too when he gets older. remember the other boy might bring in more trouble in the house then you expect. I always said too my self in I ever adopted a child I would never get a child older or the same age as my own child Because I want MY Child to feel Like I would never replace him or feel that person is more worthy than him!

Michelle - posted on 12/12/2009

16

27

3

This little guy has been put in your life for a reason.. Stability and Love sounds like just what he needs I am confident you will provide him with all of that and more.
Trust your heart you will hear the answer.

[deleted account]

I have taken on two children and the blessings have been incrediable Children evolve We the adults do the growing :-) If your gut tells you to try it Then listen :-)

Malia - posted on 12/12/2009

1

20

0

Wow. You have gotten a lot of response to this. I myself have raised or helped to raise 9 children. In my situation my two nieces came to live with us but the parents refused to ever make it a permanent situation. My birth children all came after or were just babies and my step children were just coming into the picture as well - so for the kids - it just was how it was. There were lots of complications in our situation - we were sharing many of the children with other parents who had entirely different ways of parenting. One of my nieces has sometimes extreme mental issues and it required a lot of time and money but for us all - this just is our family and has been.

That being said, as is pointed out well in all these posts - every situation and every child is different. There is opportunity to teach many spiritual and value lessons. There is opportunity to help all of them learn flexibility and resilience. There is possibility for heartbreak and even worse. We practice a family spirit model. We have family meetings and work as a team - you have to when there are nine children. There is a spiritual and energetic connection in a family that you might call the essence of you family spirit. We make decisions and choices based on the effect it will have on that. In my case as hard as it was they added to that. We created a tribe of people to support each other. Mind you we have had our share of serious ups and downs and challenges but in the end I say again - this is our family. It has never been a question of other choice for us. We went with the flow making choices as we could when they arose.
So I say, you really have to access your inner guidance. I have a bumper sticker that says "Follow your spirit without hesitation." This does not mean run willy nilly into whatever you get the idea to do but listen with your soul and you will know if it will be what you can handle. If at some point, this changes you address the needs of everyone and know that you have followed guidance and there is some reason you do not yet know for all that happened. It has been enough years in my journey that I know this - situations that have frightened me for my children and hurt terribly have been better for all in ways I couldn't have known. My thoughts are with you all. Your best whatever it is - is enough. Sorry for the long post.

Tina - posted on 12/11/2009

2

0

0

I can only sugest to take in the boy, and look at it as a chance to make a difference in a childs life. It is very difficult to be a step parent. But speaking as a step child. My step mom made a huge difference in my life, and I am very grateful to have her in my life. And as a step mother myself, I know kids just want to be loved. It may be hard at first and down the road, but well worth it.

Chelsea - posted on 12/11/2009

31

3

3

My husband's parents took in his 3 cousins....and had the same bad outcome as Zia only worse. My husband has a brother and the 3 were girls.

One of them was particularly bad. Every time something good happened in our lives, she would accuse my husband of RAPING her! We avoided her like the plague and when we had to be in the same house, he was never alone with her so that her accusations could always be shot down, but it was so scary when I was pregnant and she accused him again and not only was there the threat of my husband going to jail to await trial, but Family Services talked about taking my baby as soon as she was born.

The two younger sisters started using threats of claiming sexual molestation to get what they wanted too.


It's not to say that these things never work out, but proceed with caution, especially with older kids who were raised with different values than your kids.

[deleted account]

if its a family member and you feel you can help then do so your children will understand its a good opportunity to show them how a family should be there in time of need. I myself have a son but I also took on custody of my sister because of family problems. The alternative was letting her go into foster care which we had both been in during my early teens. I didn't want to lose her and no other family members would step up so I became her legal gaurdian when i turned 18. its been almost 5 years and it was the best decision I am so glad she lives with me my husband and our four month old. let me know how it goes :) by the way it is difficult at first sad that they're childhood has been so difficult and they are not to blame my sister was six and still didnt understand why she wasnt allowed to live with my mother and thought i was the enemy. thats all past and we have the best relationship

Shannon - posted on 12/11/2009

32

31

1

You've gotten a lot of good posts already but I just wanted to add my thoughts. I think taking on another child is a noble gesture and a good idea if you think your up to it but be cautious. You didn't really tell much about this childs history. Has he been abused? Many abused children hace social issues and have trouble being around other kids. Several years ago we took in a related child who's mother didn't want him. She had been very abusive to him and we felt it was the best thing but it didn't go well. It got to the point that he was so abusive to my children that we had to send him to a foster home. It was a terrible time for everybody! He had lived with us for almost four years and the younger one thought of him as there brother but I had to make the decision to protect my own children and let someone with more experience with those kind of things raise him. It still breaks my heart that I had to send him away but I really had no choise. All I'm saying is to be carefull and know what your getting into before your make this decision that will change all of your lives for ever. I hope it all works out and I will be praying for you.

Pat - posted on 12/11/2009

5

20

0

OH this just breaks my heart...This child will know his mother didn't want him and that is going to cause him a lot of security problems. I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know your family dynamics... but I will tell you he will need a lot of attention, guidance and more patience than many people wish to give... I was a foster mom for many years.. and adopted three of my children. I have no regrets and I am very proud of them... but what you need to know is that it isn't going to be easy and there will be times you will want to pull your hair out. .or worse.. you will want to give him back.. and you can't do that.. because if you do .. it will destroy him for life. So if you are strong emotionally, and have great support from your family, and are in for the long haul no matter what happens... Then yes by all means take this child in... he will be the joy of your life.. and sometimes the trial of your life. He may behave quite nicely for a while. and then later act out... if he does.. That is normal.. it's called a "Honeymoon period'... you may need to take him for theorapy.. you need to be prepared to provide whatever this child needs.. including stability, rules and unconditional love... But if you can... I tell you from personal experience it can be done... it's all about Love... lots and lots of love....

Pikihoro - posted on 12/11/2009

1

9

0

I have brought up several children, basically on my own. The children I refer too in this instant would be at the time a 14yr girl and her brother 4yrs.
To this day I still have the boy, he is now in his 20's and still with us my own children consider him their brother and why not. It had been consistant caring for the 14yr old as she had already learn how to play the system against the carer . . . Should you take this chappy in I strongly recommend plenty communication, "We used dinner time as a focus to be together as one." The girl how ever went her own way when she turned 16 and unfortunately got into drugs and all the rest of it. Good things can come out of this for the child and the family.

Norma - posted on 12/11/2009

1

7

0

This child needs a permanent home. If you decide to take him, it is a commentment for the next 10 to 12 years. If you cannot comment to this time frame and accept him as part of your family, then leave him with his grandparents. It cannot be on trial basis, he is not a pet to give back. Believe me, the rewards in years to come are the blessings of life. Things may not be perfect and there will be a bunch of hurdles to overcome.. Be strong and God bless.

Michelle - posted on 12/11/2009

1

26

0

I ask you this, if you were the ten year old and had an opportunity to be a part of a family that would offer safety, security and love, wouldn't you embrace it and not be concerned about the emotional implications that may or may not arise? Assuming the emotional implications you are referring to could be the mother changing her mind and wanting her child back.

Mona - posted on 12/11/2009

2

8

0

where is the father? and why? can't he continue living with grandparents? if the family is willing to help... the grandparents out...he can stay already where he is.... or do the

grandparents not want him? its a big decision to make....how does the child feel about his mother and father? i think he should stay with g/parents.....where he is already...if not possible......then you should think about it? no harm in trying......there is foster care? or maybe another relative? okay hope it works out let me know?

Elaine - posted on 12/11/2009

2

0

0

We have been raising 2 of our grandsons for a year and a half. One is 5 & 1 is 2 and a half. We have taught them manners and right from wrong. We have had to be the displanarians while their parents & other grandparents have been their playmates. Their parents have seperated and their mother has moved in with her mother & stepfather & now wants them back. It has been very devastating on me and I am worried they will not adjust well. The 5 yr old will be changing school after the first of the year and the 2 yr old will be going to daycare instead of being home with me all day. I keep praying that she will change her mind & leave them with us or decide she can't handle them.

June - posted on 12/11/2009

50

8

1

[BIG HUG]

My gram used to say "God can make a way out of no way" so I am saying that to say this...take that child into your hearts and your home, give that child all the bsic things that he is solely lacking..(love, stability, proper guidance, peace and harmony) and I will gurantee God will be there to help you guys. there are so many beautiful kids out there that are neglecyted by their parents that need the love and stability of a decent family.

who knows..the child you save could grow up to a very important person and he will have you to thank for loving him and believing in him...

Debbie - posted on 12/11/2009

1

25

0

it is an awkward situation for everyone. i looked after a teenager until she was old enough to make it on her own. it was the right thing to do, it wasnt easy, i am a single mom of 4 girls already, but she needed us & we were there for her. she is now a mother herself & i am called nanna D by her son.
may i suggest you have the child visit & stay over a few times so everyone gets to know each other & u can make a better decision as to whether it is right for the child to live permenantly with you. one step at a time. remember stability for the child is the ultimate goal and if you rush into having him stay only to discover it isnt working this will upset him even more. at least whilst he is with grandparents & visiting to get to know you, the transition, when/if the time comes, will be alot smoother all round. dont forget your own children will need to know from you that you love them just as much as before & they are not being pushed to one side for this boy who they will see as an invader, a slow introduction and building of a friendship between the children during his visits will help all 3 children adapt to the changes you intend to make. good luck

Lauree - posted on 12/11/2009

1

31

0

I have adopted all five of my children. Not all at once but two at a time. Adjustments are needed and are hard sometimes. And yes, we are not all perfect parents. Having said that, I would say, consider it. Absolutely ask you own children what they think. Pray about it. There are going to be problems and everyone needs to be aware and on board. Good Luck.

Cindy - posted on 12/11/2009

2

6

0

I think it is a good idea to ask your children what they think. I know that at one time I was going to take on my cousins daughter who is dyslexic, and my children were ok with it due to they couldn't understand why someone wouldn't want to be with their child so they wanted to give her a place where she would be secure.

Annette - posted on 12/11/2009

3

11

0

Hi Lindsay. My husband and i also have taken in children of relatives. 2 girls. When they came to us they were 13 & 15. We also have 4 children of our own. For us there was no doubt in our minds we could care for them, Financially, emotinally and physically. They have been with us 6 years now and the oldest is married now and in her own home. Taking this child in and loving him as your own is the most amazing thing you can do....but beware...my children sometimes resent the fact that they are with us. Theres always "but im your REAL child" or "shes not my sister" Make sure you sit down with your 2 children and include them in this decision. Ultimately you get the final say but it will make the transition alot smoother if they feel included. Remember too that bringing another child in is going to take time away form your other 2 children. But in the end we have become a strong family of 8 and we all do love each other equally. People sometimes say that its not possible to love someone elses child as much as your own....but i strongly disagree. I feel just as much love for these 2 young women as i do my 4 little ones. Good luck and God Bless.

Kellee - posted on 12/11/2009

2

16

0

First off, I would like to say that the simple fact that you are considering to this is so special. I think you have an advantage due to this child being in your extended family, I am assuming your children already know him? I agree with the other posts about sitting your children down, taking in their opinions and concerns as you would if you became pregnant again, and work it out as a family, but you and your husband have to be the ones that say yes or no. I think that due to the fact that your son is 10 and so is this other child, you will have to reassure your son that he is always and will always be your "first born". The other child will become your 3rd child. Now a days, families come in all different ways, and you dont have to explain the order of how they came.

I think that this boy needs a stable, loving home. If you can supply that, then do it. When a women becomes pregnant, we never know how our child will be born. Some are good and well behaved and some take more time. The same goes with this boy.

I hope this all works out for both your family and this boy. You only get one childhood in life, if you can make his a better one, then go for it.

Julie - posted on 12/11/2009

9

11

1

i know its a different situation, i took my partners daughters on one we dont see anymore but i still have his 22 year old disabled daughter that i look after and i wouldnt change anything for the world i took her on when she was 10 and love her as though she is my own hope this helps you if you have the love and your both in agreement then go for it

Maggie - posted on 12/11/2009

818

24

47

I think a trial period would be a good idea for your family but what about the boy? He gets settled in, starts to feel like one of the family and then you decide you can't handle it. Is he having problems at the grandparents house? what kind of kid is he? Does he get along with your children? How well do you know him?

I think since you are getting back on your feet at this time that it might be good idea to wait. He's with relatives and you can still see him and let your kids get close without taking on that responsibility. How much is your family willing to help out? I mean, can you count on them to really provide for this boy? If their support falls short or stops altogether will you still be able to take care of him AND your children?

There are so many things that factor into making a decision like this. I'd say wait...wait until you know him well, until you are stable enough to provide for him on your own. You can still lay a foundation of trust and caring while he's with the grandparents. Unless they can't or don't want to take care of him then I say leave him where he is.

[deleted account]

You need to consider how it will impact your first born. That would no longer be his place in the family. He would be sharing it. Think about all of the things that you and your husband dreamed and planned about doing with your firstborn as he grows up. Now realize that those plans will be shared or given to someone else. It will have an impact on your son. That being said, what about taking him in for a while. You could ask him if he would like to come and stay with your family for a while. You don't have to set a timeframe. I don't know the situation of where he is coming from. Do his own parents just need some time to grow up and get settled? This would allow you the opportunity to decide at a later date after seeing how it works out for you, your family and the boy coming in. If it works, you can have him stay. If it doesn't work than you can start to work with the grandparents on a timeframe to have him move in with them. You can still play a role in his life. We looked at a similar situation and almost took in our nephew when he was around the same age. After talking with family councelors, we learned about what it would have done to our firstborn. We couldn't do it. He went to live with his grandparents. They were able to give him all of their attention which is what he really needed. Our three kids are close to him. It was the right decision for us. We were there to help out with him whenever needed. I know this is hard and every situation is different. Good Luck and God Bless!

Debra - posted on 12/11/2009

1

14

0

I was in a similar situation several months ago, I took in my sixteen yr. old niece, she was a problem child, being kick out of several schools, her and her stepfather didn't get along, her mother than know what to do and her father did not want her to stay with him. So me and my kids which is 12, 10 and, discuss the situation and I explain to her what was expected of her. That was the best decision that I had every made, all she need was someone to love her and be there for her and give her guidance. She is doing wonderful now, I am saying this to let you know, sometime it just take someone to love that child and be there for them and not to give up on them. And if you love that child and want what best for him, with God guidance and love you will do just find, just pray on it and God will give you the answer.

Tina - posted on 12/11/2009

2

11

0

I am been a foster parent and also had a sister who was not interested in raising her 2 boys. My question is can the grand parents raise this boy? or are there health issues. The reason I am asking is My parents took on the role of raising my nephews when they were much younger then this boy. They got a little assistance from the state and NO child support because both my sister and ex BIL won't find jobs to help. Both my nephews graduated from high school, the oldest nephew graduated from college and is a 2nd lt in the army and he is married. My other nephew has a job and is trying to decide what he wants to go to school for.
Having the grand parents raise him is not a bad thing unless their health is not good.
As for you taking this one. It is an emotional strain when things go wrong. My husband and I were foster parents, you have to set rules for all the children and they all must follow them. The other thing is when the rules are broken there must be the same for punishment.
If you do take on this boy, I would suggest family counseling along with parenting classes, to find different ways to blend your family. Also if this boy's mom is not interested in raising him, she should be giving financial support to who ever is raising him. Sorry we expect the dads to pay child support, the moms should be paying too. One other thing, Who ever is going to raise this kid, depending on the state, you might need to go to court and be appointed his guardian Talk to human services in your county to see what they would suggest. Good luck this is a hard thing to go through especially on the 10 yr old who knows his mom is not interested in him anymore.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms