teen son with bad temper

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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i have a 14 yr old son, good most of the time but lately has bad temper and is mean to his 11 yr sister, tells her 10 tines a day he hates her. not on drugs for a fact but just got a very hatefull heart toward everyone. dont no how to teach him to respect for others, i thoght he know this all ready but now im not sure. anyone with ideas to help him and me deal with this. what kind of punishment do i give him. nothing is working!!!

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Leigh - posted on 07/05/2009

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Quoting Jessica:

the odd symptoms definately fit my son. we are going to counseling and I have an appoitment with the pediatrician to have him tested for any imbalances. My husband has anger issues and yells alot which my son could just be following the influences at home however, the authority figure as far as teachers has blown my mind. he is an angel when he's at his grandparents house (when we are not around). I feel like somewhere I failed



Jessica, you are not a failure, you want to know why, becaue you are being a great parent and are getting some help. You are not walking way and putting your son in the 'too hard' basket. You are being proactive in finding a solution. I have the same thing with my neice. She has been diagnosed with defiance order. Her first day as school she was there for 3 hours before the school rang my sister to come & get her, she was playing up, had locked the teacher out of the room, refused to participate, refused to take direction, in general just made her class teachers life hell. The school wanted her to get tested for ADD, ADHD & wanted her medicated, but my sister refused & had her assessed. They then gave her parenting skills she needed when dealing with her to pass onto the school & day carers etc. Funny thing is that my neice never plays up when she's at my house, she's an angel. She knows how to behave & what is exceptable. I think alot of it has to do with the fact that my sister parents by yelling, & also has anger issues which my neice plays on. I'm sure u will find your way as well. Good Luck

Leigh - posted on 07/02/2009

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Leslie, I know he'll outgrow this, I'm sure its a stage. I agree with Laura, getting teens to do 'hard work', tires them out, & it's a great way especially for boys to get their built up emotions released. I also have 3 teenage boys, & around 12-14 they start going through their stages. My husband advocates doing stuff around the house, mowing the yard, trimming the trees, cleaning the gutters, washing the windows, weeding the garden, & if they have friends over they're made to pitch in as well. My husband invested in a punching bag which is out in the back yard & encouraged all our boys to give it a good go when they were 'feeling', but could put into words what exactly that was. My eldest used to pound that bag sometimes for an hour straight, & mostly after a couple of hours he'd come talk to one of us about what he's thinking, or not, I think for boys they're not as articulate when it comes to describing how they're feeling, what they're thinking, so sometimes it's just listening to what they are saying & not making any comments, because this is sometimes misconstrued as judgement. Ours all play football which in Australia is a full contact sport. It teaches them to fit in in a group, & the physical side helps with their self esteem. I also encouraged my sons to get partime jobs, it's an eye opener for a 14year old to be told by someone else what to do, how to do it, when to do it. They're just 'for now jobs', but give my boys their own freedom. I think they come right when they're around 18. In the meantime, pick your battles. As for punishment, I can't remember the last time I had to 'punish' any of my children. If they step over the boundary (& they know exactly when that is) I talk it out with them, mostly to let them know that I'm disappointed in their behaviour/attitude, because it effects my parenting & then I'm a faliure, & that's one area in my life where I'm a star. Good Luck.

Carrie - posted on 07/03/2009

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My 16 year old son is like that to his 2 younger brothers. He's very hateful, and tells them he wishes they had never been born. What's sad is my 8 year old looks up to him and he gets treated like that. He has been diagnosed with ODD or Oppositonal Defiant Disorder.
In children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster’s day to day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include:
Frequent temper tantrums
Excessive arguing with adults
Often questioning rules
Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
Frequent anger and resentment
Mean and hateful talking when upset
Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking
The symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at home or at school. One to sixteen percent of all school-age children and adolescents have ODD. The causes of ODD are unknown, but many parents report that their child with ODD was more rigid and demanding that the child’s siblings from an early age. Biological, psychological and social factors may have a role.

A child presenting with ODD symptoms should have a comprehensive evaluation. It is important to look for other disorders which may be present; such as, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, mood disorders (depression, bipolar disorder) and anxiety disorders. It may be difficult to improve the symptoms of ODD without treating the coexisting disorder. Some children with ODD may go on to develop conduct disorder.

Treatment of ODD may include: Parent Management Training Programs to help parents and others manage the child’s behavior. Individual Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management. Family Psychotherapy to improve communication and mutual understanding. Cognitive Problem-Solving Skills Training and Therapies to assist with problem solving and decrease negativity. Social Skills Training to increase flexibility and improve social skills and frustration tolerance with peers.
If any of these symptoms fit your son, get counseling soon. Our son was doing great in school and in life and started skipping classes and hanging out with a kid who was a bad influence. He ended failing 3 Honors classes and getting arrested for shoplifting. Thankfully that seemed to be the eye opener he needed.
Hope this helps.

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User - posted on 03/10/2014

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My grandson is having a very hard time with his temper. He's 16 and will not tolerate the word no. His temper is very scary. He knocked his grandpa on the ground twice in a fit of rage. I have to say though that his grandpa has not been very nice to him over the last few years. He puts him down and and finds fault with him. But he has become so disagreeable (my grandson). He has not had an easy life. My daughter divorced his dad when he was only 4, and the dad had a really bad temper, hence the divorce. I try and talk to my grandson but he just says Grandma leave me alone, and then gets physical by shutting the door, or walking out of the room. My daughter and myself don't know what to do. He is also smoking pot in our house. We have told him he cant do it, but he says wouldn't you rather I did it here in my house, than to go to a friends house? He has a point, so we don't know what to say. I'd like to be able to have my grandson go to a boys home to get some help with his temper, and deal with some of the issues that are bothering him. Does anyone know of a place that would do this, but not be so expensive that we would have to forget it?

Jessica - posted on 07/06/2009

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Thanks. I know i'm not a failure but you can't help but to wonder sometimes. I have to meet with his pediatrician next week and I will definately ask him what he thinks of all these odd and defiant disorders! in the meantime, I am trying my best not to yell anymore myself, but if the hubby isn't going to do the same, i feel i'm fighting a losing battle. Any progress that my son makes will definately make it all worthwhile. I just hope that it is sooner rather than later.

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2009

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the odd symptoms definately fit my son. we are going to counseling and I have an appoitment with the pediatrician to have him tested for any imbalances. My husband has anger issues and yells alot which my son could just be following the influences at home however, the authority figure as far as teachers has blown my mind. he is an angel when he's at his grandparents house (when we are not around). I feel like somewhere I failed

Leslie - posted on 07/03/2009

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carrie thanks so much for the info, when my son was younger, he would not talk to adults and cant even look them in the eyes now, he has always been a little backwords and diffrent the the others. going out to eat he would ask his younger sister to order his food for him.

Leslie - posted on 07/03/2009

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with my dauther age (5) she did that but at home and not at school, so i just decided when she threw the temper tantrum, put her in her room and made her lay or sit on the bed(her choice) until she appoligazed to who ever she was being rude to. of course i would go in there and check on her and ask if she is ready to talk. sometimes she rolls over and ignors me then i leave and come back a little later, after less then an hr she is ready to apologize. and sometimes she comes to me and tell me she sorry, before i get a chance to even turn around. but remember no tv no games no anything but quiet time. to bad this dont work with my oldest he would love to sit in hes room all day. lol

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2009

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i have a 6 year old with a horrible rotten attitude at school. at home he is ok, tends to have trouble listening to his father and I but for the most part is pretty good UNTIL he goest to school. he doesn't listen to the teachers, runs out of the classroom, hits his friends and is very mean and disrespectful. when I try to talk to him about his behavior he tells me to leave him alone and walks away from me. when i go after him to talk he slams doors in my face, kicks, etc. we are going to counseling to try to help him make better choices and redirect his anger... but I hope he doesn't continue to teenage years... i'm at my wits end... don't know how much more I can stand

Leslie - posted on 07/03/2009

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sharon i have had my 5 yr evaluated be cause she is so high strong and she is just bouncing off the walls. but it turned out that she is very very smart and gets board very easy. i found games and puzzles and thing to changle her and she is so much better now. but i will take in consideration what you said. thanks for taking the time to share this with me.

Sharon - posted on 07/02/2009

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Have u had him evaluated for any kind of disorder? Sometimes having someone neutral for your teenager to talk to helps. Thats what I did for my 14 year old daughter when she was 12 and it has worked. Not to mention she was diagnosed with ADD. The wonder drug has brought her grades back up to all A's and one B. She is also nice, more agreeable, and overall easier to be around. Her doctor said her attitude had a lot to do with her frustration.. Check it out.

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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I gotta head for bed 'cause I've put in a massively long day and I still gotta go to work tomorrow. Between putting in an 8 hour day at work then turning around and spending three hours working at the farm..... My 13 year old discovered one of the farm cats had gotten in a fight and had a massive abscess filling up his leg with poison... That cat is a BEAR to doctor up when he's been injured. I'm just worn out. The very same kind of exhaustion that boy needs to straighten him out. Hell, send him to me. I got a BUNCH of pens that are in major need of shoveling out. And a mule that if he can't kick, he'll bite. And two newborn miniature horses.... And fences that need pulled up and reset.... Damn. That's depressing. I have WAY too much work to do. Good luck girl.

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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i will do that and i will make sure he is safe i would never let one of my kids get hurt to teach them a lesson (well not to bad) just kidden. the oldest will be the one to teach him im sure, maybe he can even respect what she does. dont think i'll even tell him untill we get there so he cant find something else to do. he may even like it who know!!! im just not going to get my hopes up till i c something change but i will have fath. thanks for letting me take up so much of your time. im going to bed have a good night

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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Word to the wise though. When dealing with "challenging" critters, do make sure the boy is informed how to handle an animal. He must be told that it will take great patience, tons of time, and lots of patience to get an animal to respond. Make the kid think that a certain animal is so very important like he's doing the owner a MASSIVE favor by working with this critter. Believe it or not, there are acceptable times to LIE to a kid when it's in the kids best interest. Teaching a stubborn, obnoxious boy a lesson is one of those times that it's ok to lie. Just tell him something along the lines that the farm owner has some injury or something that requires the extra help. Otherwise, the kids' attitude might come into play and he'll refuse to cooperate at all. He might think you're trying to get rid of him. Quite to the contrary, you're just trying to get rid of his attitude. :-)

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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you have helped so much and even if it dont work i got a few good ideas from you. and yes they do have a cow that my girl cant stand to be around because of that reason. its mean and might just do the trick. i have injoyed talking to you. can i keep in touch to let you no how it works out? i might need ur advice when my daughter turns 12 in aug. how did you get so smart lol i love new ideas and i will be so greatfull if this works

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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Girl, it's summertime. Let that point get driven in good and hard. Two weeks working on a hot farm with smelly animals, shoveling crap, brushing critters that hate you, getting kicked a couple times by said critters.... It's gonna take two weeks for the animals to start showing an improvement to your son once he starts treating them with respect. Nothing on this earth can show reactions like animals can because they can't talk. He torques off the wrong animal, he's gonna KNOW it. And when his attitude changes, so will the animals actions towards him.
Talk to the farm owners. Do they have a critter that seemed to have born with an attitude problem? Or do they have some small baby that is in need of special care? There's nothing like an animal that's perfectly situated to the problem of the child. Whatever gets decided, that has to be the boy's total responsibility. All care handed to the kid from food or medicine going in the front end to the by-products coming out the back end. :-)

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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love it thanks so much you made me laugh so hard. i think you are so right they do have mule. hee hee i have to pick my s-daughter up tomorrow im going to talk to her other mom about this. we are friends and get along very well. i think she will have no prob. having extra help for a few days. lol

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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LMAO I just had an amusing thought. I hope they have a mule out there at that farm that can outstubborn your son. We have a miniature mule at our farm that is the most obstinate, stubborn, and downright mean critter you ever met. I'd pick a challenge like that to drive home the point of "No matter how big you get, there will always be someone bigger, badder, and meaner than you so it's better just to show respect to all".

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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i agree my step-daughter (16) lives on a farm also and does a lot of hard work i thought about talking to her mom and step father about taking him out there a few days to see how she works so hard. he has never had to do any farming and i no its not easy, maybe taking the trash out wont look so bad to him then. maybe thats what he need a little hard work and a challange.

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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NOt so much as do MORE but to do things appropriate for his age. He's 14 so yes, he should be helping in heavier yard work. A younger child can do chores as well but having them be smaller jobs and more of them.
For example, I have three kids. A 10 year old who has my metabolism and my build (he's super skinny), a 13 year old and a 15 year old that are much bigger and stronger. Heck, the two teenagers outweigh me by at least 20 pounds. I make all three kids help me on the farm. The ten year old will make trip after trip to carry hay to the horses while the teenagers will walk three steps back and forth dumping 50 pound bags of horse feed into barrels.
You have to try to make the jobs balance to avoid the fights.

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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i like that idea and it just might work. but he show such lack of emosions sometime that its just not normal. i just feel like in my heart something is wrong with the way he thinks. on the other hand he plays sports and excells in everthing he does. he has a 84mph fast ball, and act like its no big deal like anyone can do it. thats what bothers me so bad. the lack of feelins and heart he shows.

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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never heard of that disorder before can u give me more info. on it. he has never hurt himself or anyone else but i get the asking him to do stuff. thing thats totally him. get mad if i ask him to do something and not my daughter. hes older he sould do more.i think

Laura - posted on 07/01/2009

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This is an odd suggestion... But could you show him places in the world where caring and respect make MASSIVE differences? Have someone he looks up to take him on a volunteer job. Like helping an elderly neighbor, helping out at a homeless shelter or an animal shelter... There's lots of opportunity to show him how it's so much better to help than to hurt.

User - posted on 07/01/2009

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My fiance has a 14 y/o son who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (or something like that) and he also has a bad temper. Since we are living together, I have had some issues with him like you are talking about. The boy (I won't name names) has used some very harsh language towards me and all this starts when he is asked by me or his father to do something as simple as wash dishes or straighten up the living room. This past week, we got into an argument that resulted in him threatening to kill himself and he actually carved a word into his arm. Needless to say, he is living with his mother now and is no longer living with us due to his inability to follow rules and do what few things we ask of him.

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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thats the thing his dad has never grown up and acts like a kid him self. and hes step-dad does everthing for him. pays for his travling baseball, and talks to him like an adult. trys to explain you just dont act like that and ppl respect you. i have talked till im blue in the face. but his dad is the one he looks up to and i cant keep him away from him. he just acts like he hate my husband and if i agree with him i get that look to. just dont now how to get the bad out of his head and the good back in. he acts like we are the worst parents ever and makes me feel that way sometimes too.

Keri Huff - posted on 07/01/2009

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Quoting leslie:

thanks so much. you made me tear up. i just no there is a good young man in him some were. but i can say all his friends are good boys, i know all there parents and we can talk about to each other but sometimes you need to hear this from someone you just dont no well. thats not just saying what you want to hear. my son is mouthy but not to me (yet) he has a 4.0 gpa. and i just dont want it to get so out of control that i cant deal with it. You think taking him to talk to some one will help?



Honestly I don't know...I have mixed emotions about therapy.  Maybe have someone like a influentual (?) grandparent or uncle talk to them just about life, respect, morals and values.  They could do it over a day of fishing or something.  Thats a lot cheaper and sometimes it means more coming from someone that they look up to other than someone your having to pay to speak to them. 

Leslie - posted on 07/01/2009

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thanks so much. you made me tear up. i just no there is a good young man in him some were. but i can say all his friends are good boys, i know all there parents and we can talk about to each other but sometimes you need to hear this from someone you just dont no well. thats not just saying what you want to hear. my son is mouthy but not to me (yet) he has a 4.0 gpa. and i just dont want it to get so out of control that i cant deal with it. You think taking him to talk to some one will help?

Keri Huff - posted on 07/01/2009

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This is really something that should be taken care of soon, because at this age children have so many pressures from friends and it is easy for them to become associated with bad influences and one minute they will be your sweet boy and the next dipping their toes into puddles of trouble. Our 15 year old son attended an alternative school and now is gone to a second chance camp for troubled youth. He never would stick his foot all the way in the puddle, but he could not seem to keep his toes out of it! A lot of his problems began with respect around the house and back talking and he was 15 and 250 pounds....there was no way to make him mind with out the feeling like you would have to pick up a belt and beat his butt to make him do it, but at that age they threaten to call the law on you if you even touch them. The situation felt like a no win situation. Try to take matters in your hands early. Spend the day just you and him talking and having fun and see what can be done to make him happier. Maybe it is just something simple!

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