Teenage daughter drama

Alexandra De - posted on 07/27/2011 ( 63 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone, just joined, desperatly looking for help!! ( like many of you for my surprise) my 13 yr old daughter has become very distant and critical towards me, I'm a single mum of 2. Last weekend I asked why is she being like this and she confirm that she doesn't like me, is this normal???

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Jana - posted on 07/28/2011

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I believe it is, to a degree. It is part of a breaking away process. In order to "grow up", a girl needs to separate herself from her mother. Sometimes this results in feelings of "dislike" - even though she still loves you. I remember going through this stage myself. There were many things I couldn't stand about my mom. I also was embarrassed of our house, car, etc. I eventually grew out of all that and appreciated her for her many fine qualities. This also occurred more easily as I became an adult and realized that others did not judge me by my mother's qualities, but by my own. So, try not to take her critical attitude too personally. Be yourself and treat your daughter with love and respect. She will eventually come around. It is important to build some good memories into every day. I found being a good listener and trying to keep my mouth shut (no lecturing or judging) worked best with my own daughters. Best to you and God bless!

Rayshawn - posted on 07/30/2011

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Well I havent had my daughter (whom is 11) to say that to me, but I have found a great way to communicate with her... writing her a letter ...and thats what she does in return . I'm finding at this age some don't know how to express themselves, and find face to face convo hard. But the deal is you can ONLY WRITE and REPLY with letters, you might find out more that way, hope this helps .

Sandra - posted on 07/28/2011

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Normal. But just let her know she must show respect and fillow thru on consequences or she will play you bad. Tell her your the mom and your job is not done based on if she likes you or not. And confirm you love her no matter what her mood is for the day. Good luck from a single mom of a 17 yr ikd girl

[deleted account]

Of course it is. It's not required that she like you. You aren't her friend, nor should you be trying to be. You are in charge. My children used to tell me they hated me. I'd say, that's fine. I still love you. Your jobs now are to hold firm and expect her to be a help to you, and to keep your sense of humor & not let her get to you. My 4 daughters are now grown, and we all love and like and appreciate each other. This is just a phase. She'll outgrow it.

JuLeah - posted on 07/27/2011

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yup. She might even tell you she hates you from time to time. Take NOTHING your children do or say personally.

Build relationship where you can, set limits on her 'self expression' and let the rest go. Don't try to be her friend, understand she will get mad at you, will hate you, and (in her eyes) you will be a bad parent and a bad person. There are times you actually will fail her, let her down, but in that smae moment, you will love her and be there for her. Many lessons in that. Conflict is not bad. We can argue in healthy ways, we can disagree, and agree to disagree ... many lessons to be learned in that too.

Good luck!

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Alexandra De - posted on 08/23/2011

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Guys, my life has changed since I've joined this website, your help and comments have been precious Ina had even left home for a while to stay with her paternal grandmother who lives nearby...but she has now returned home. I'm here for all of you. thank you

[deleted account]

i'd say yes. no offence. i dont have teenage daughters, but asking your child to be more specific, though it might seem hurtful at first, might be a good way of getting her to open up. if you ask her what you could do better or more often to make her happy, might show that you are interested in making her happy and will do whatever is necessary... within certain boundaries of course. it might also help to ask her friends mothers if she has ever said anything to them before. making friends with your kids friends parents i think is a great way to create a safe network for you and your family to fall back on, even through the slightest of dramas.

Kiley - posted on 08/02/2011

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Probably normal. Try to maintain calm, limits and stability. If she begins showing warning signs (significant weight loss/gain, extreme irritability, doesn't want to be touched, poor grades etc) then I would advise getting a therapist (which isn't the worst idea for teens on general) and getting in touch with her teachers.. Good luck. As a side note I would not tolerate my child telling me she hates me without consequences.

Maurice - posted on 08/02/2011

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she diesnt have to like you. you tell her that! of course you can tell her you would likeit if she did. it would make things better regardless, she still has to behave the best way she can and to abide by your rules . my daughter is an adulet with her own child and i was not particularly popular with her for a while!!!

[deleted account]

I know that everyone is writing that this is normal, and having a teen daughter I know there are some mood issues. However, please do not ignore any change in behavior, it could be a sign of something more (changes with friends, depressions, drugs, etc) The website drugfree.org (not just about drugs, wonderful teen information about everything from dating to talking with them about sex) .

Chantelle - posted on 08/01/2011

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Hi Alexandra, this can be normal yes. At this age and sometimes even earlier depending how mature they are it happens. My suggestion to you is don't take it personally!! They are experiencing alot of different feelings and their hormones are racing!! Watch who your daughters friends are and if they are friends that have no respect for their parents then your daughter most likely is following in her friends footsteps. Im a mother of 4, and I have found that you have to pick and choose your battles and not to take things personally, because my dear, you are not going to like your daughter at times either!lol. BEST advice... Watch what kind of friends they hang out with, make sure they have the same goals as your daughter and guidance and things will work out!

Cheryl - posted on 07/31/2011

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Those hormones can be nasty little beasts, but the letter writing might help and also tell her that no matter how she feels about you, you will always love her. etc, etc. It will come right, just dont let her see how upset you are. xx

Eileen - posted on 07/30/2011

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Yep. It's a combination of teenage hormones, personality conflicts, and a growing awareness of self. My baby girl turned 13 last month. Until Sept. 3, 2010, she openly preferred her dad, but our situation became somewhat unique. She still thinks I cramp her style, but admits that she likes me sometimes. If you have to turn 'business-like', explain it to her like a contract. You ARE the boss of her. You are responsible to see that she is fed, clothed, educated, and safe. She is responsible to obey your rules until age 18. Then let her know what she would have to do if she moved out of your home: work, pay bills, etc.

There are tons of details you need, but I can't write in this little post. If you think you need it, get help from an organization that understands teens. In our crisis, we were able to use Baptist Children's Home and Family Service. http://www.bchfs.com/

Penelope - posted on 07/30/2011

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Hi Alexandra, dont worry it is quite normal i went to hell and back with my daughter, she does not mean it, and like my dear daughter who i might add is now my best friend , you are the closest person to her the only one she can really trust and you have seen her in her worst and at her best, dont beat yourself up over this, cos i can tell you she does love you, she is just going through so much, dont ask questions, dont rise to her anger or nasty spitfulness, just keep the conversation light, ask her if she wants to talk you will always be there to listen and to help her try and understand what she is going through, dont ever say how can you treat me like this why do you hate me look at all i have done for you, that is a no no, just be firm in what you would like her to tell you , ie where are you going , in case i need to get hold of you please, try not to be too late home , take the leed from her its hard very hard but just try and see how it goes, she is being a normal 13 year old, but if you feel it is getting over the top, speak to one of her friends or to her teacher at scholl see if some thing is wrong is she being bullied , my daughter was and that is why she transfered all her anger and temper on me, it wont go away over night but do try and find out what is going on in her life ,, and best of luck, i hope a little of what i have said helps you and her,

Lorraine - posted on 07/29/2011

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Hi, Alexandra, I have 2 daughters and 1 son and spent many years as a single mum including many of the teenage years (I've only been living with my partner for 1 year). My daughters are now 19 and 16, my son 21. The teenage years are difficult for everyone involved, it has nothing to do with you being single I assure you. Every parent I know, male & female, single and in relationships of all types, have had dramas with their teenagers. I wish there was a quick fix, an answer to make it all right, however it's just a part of growing up. She has to learn who she is and where she's going. Just another adventure in the journey of being a parent. Good Luck

June - posted on 07/29/2011

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check what she is doing and keep that thepoeple she hangs with are not doing drags that is what i picked up with my kids

Kristin - posted on 07/29/2011

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I once heard the theory that teenagers become obnoxious so that when it's time for them to leave the nest, it won't be such a wrench for their parents. We'll be ready to let them go! I'm not sure how true the theory is, but going by how my 19 year old has been for the last couple of years, it's time she left the nest! Alexandra, it's quite possible that your daughter is subconsciously getting you both ready for when she leaves home in a few years, as well as learning some of the skills she will need when she faces the world by herself....skills like conflict resolution and getting alone with people, even when you don't agree with them. It's normal for her to practice those skills on you, because deep down, she knows you will love her no matter what. Take it as a compliment that she trusts you enough to let you see her bad side!

Miranda - posted on 07/29/2011

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Imho, I don't think it's that she doesn't like you. She may not agree with some (or all) of your rules and that is likely where the negativity is coming from. Don't allow this to discourage you; as she matures (emotionally) she should come to realize that you deserve much more respect than you are currently being given.

Patricia - posted on 07/29/2011

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Completely normal, I used to do that to my mum too. We are very close aswell. I am a single Mum of 3 and 2 of them are girls. My girls are 9 and 7 and I am already coping it from the eldest. I agree with JuLeah, you are her Mum not her friend, there will be times that you wont like her very much, but you will always love her. All you can do is be the stable consistant one and she will come to you if she needs you. Don't take the hurtful things she may say to heart as I know that I didn't mean them when I said them to my mum it is more a way to vent frustratiuon. Kim no one said there was anything wrong with being friends with your children, but what you described that your relationship is with your kids sound like you are a wonderful parent to me, I can also say that there will be a stage where they wont tell you everything either. I have a similar relationship with my kids but I donot pretend to be their friend. They are my life and my everything and I encourage them to talk to me, but I am Mum no ifs ands or buts.

Dora - posted on 07/29/2011

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Join the club! This is the age. She's getting ready for the eventual independence day. When she's 18 she'll appreciate you again. If you were part of a culture in which people live in clans with all generations living together you would be spared this stage.

Melanie - posted on 07/29/2011

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Its normal....if she hadn't already...she is prob going to get her period....also keep her busy, homework,sports and chores....its important that she knows ur in charge and tell her everyday that u love her..

Natalie - posted on 07/29/2011

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oh god yes very normal right now my daughters just going on 16 and shes only just becoming NORMAL i separated from her dad since she was 3mnths old he was in and out her life but when he did come back he was very very good with buying her affections,so no matter what i done it was never good enough the thing what they do (what i think anyway)is they try to push u to the limit to c if ur always gunna be there for them what i done was constantley remind her how much i do love her, teenagers r the hardest ppl to deal with stick with it hun it all works out in the end she loves u so much u just need to keep reminding her of this xxxxxx spend alot of time with her xxx

Candice - posted on 07/29/2011

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I would assume that it is normal to an extent, im a young mother, but I can see where my eight year old resents me for certain things. Some people try to make like thier lives are perfect and they have the perfect families and thats just not true. Truth be told you should be waiting on and expecting problems with a teenager and be ready to tackle them,lol. Let nothing surprise you!

Rena - posted on 07/29/2011

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I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as moms and parents in general is forgetting what it was like to be young. I have three step children who came in to my life when they were 13, 14 and 16, and that was a very trying time. When my daughter reached a difficult stage (14/15) we were butting heads for a while until I realized that it was a spitting match between us... I was the MOM! But then I stood back and took stock and realized that she had always been a super responsible child from a very early age (at 7 she would gather up the kindergarten children and walk them home to my daycare every day)... and now I thought she couldn't make good decisions herself. I eased up on curfew, etc. and made her responsible for her own decisions. The calm that descended over our home was amazing! Now at 23 she recently told me that I took all the fun out of acting rebellious when I backed off. She often tells this story to mom's of teenagers herself. We have been so close and remain great friends and I believe it was because I put my trust in the fact that she would and could make good decisions. Best of luck!

Kristella - posted on 07/29/2011

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I'm a mother of 4. My eldest is 20 (girl) and she wasn't as bad but my 14 yr old (girl) has been an absolute nightmare. If all she's doing is being critical and distant then you've got it easy (I know it doesn't feel like that). My daughter has screamed, broken things, told me she hates me, wishes she was dead, hurt herself and worst of all ran away for 4 hours - I had to call the police and go through the worry of her never coming back. I've learnt to give her space. I've learnt that when she's on her period, to not go near her. We've got a respect and trust now. Unfortunately, you will always be the bad guy. You just have to love her and give her boundaries but at the same time give her space. My eldest daughter and I have a great relationship. It does get better. She does love you and need you but it's just her time in life where you are the 'enemy'. My belief is that she is only horrible to me because she knows that I will still be there for her no matter what!!! She's right!!!! Hang in there.

Nikki - posted on 07/29/2011

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For the most part this is "trying" stage. I am a firm believer that I don't have to be my daughter's "friend." I don't try to be. But I do try to treat her fairly and let her know that the decisons I make are made in her best interest whether she realizes it or not.

Jayne - posted on 07/29/2011

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Hello, I have a 30 year old daughter and a 14 year old daughter. I think it is very normal. They change at such a rapid rate with hormones and puberty. It seems like they change there mind so often it's hard to keep up. One minute they love and still need you and the next they hate you and complain you don't understand. I have found that just listening and trying not to take things personal helps. They do need you but may never admit it. One minute may cry, the next be fine. It's a very wonderful, but crazy time. Hang in there, it does get better!!!:)

Tina - posted on 07/29/2011

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Yes, it's a part of growing up to to try to distance one's self from their adult parent. If you are a Christian what you need to do is get into a group at a Church that hopefully you are able to participate in, and see what help you can get there i.e. from the ladies in the S.S. class, or the pastor and see what material might be available to read in the library of the church if you have a church that has one to look through and see what they offer for help. Also James Dobson has written a lot of books on raising children, he is a Dr. and probably is well retired by now, but his information is good help and is sound in his teaching. If you can get together with other single mom's who are facing the same thing it would be good for all of you to get together. I had a similar situation with my teen daughter but she was 16 at the time, and she felt like she was ready to live out on her own, which we did not let her do. But now she is engaged to be married, and has been living in the house that we had to leave, she is in her 20's presently. My husband's job took us away from the area where we use to live and she had lived in the house with us almost up until that time, she had time away when in college so had some away time that was good for her and us then. Pray for her, if you can share with her what it was like for you when you were about that age and see if she can identify with you at all in that. If she can that may help you some. Find out why she doesn't like you and the causes if at all possible. Then pray about that to the Lord and ask Him for guidance on the subject matter .

Heathar - posted on 07/29/2011

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yes its normal but ur not there to be her friend she will have plenty if time for friends talking to her letting her know u will always be there for her talk to her about everything especially if she is the oldest its hard to really know what goes on in there heads but up front no lies and expect no lies back good luck and unconditional love tough love never killed anyone

[deleted account]

yes, it's normal...my daughter has done the same thing....but I sat her down at the advice of a friend and explained to her that these teenage years can be very fun and wonderful between the two of us OR they can be difficult and full of drama AND that it is HER CHOICE of how it will go for the next 4 - 5 years of her teenage years. She can choose to be obstinate and disrespectful if she likes and there will be not so fun consequences OR if she chooses to be compliant and respectful these years can be great with great trust and independence...stay tough and loving with your consequences set in concrete and with your rewards as well...these years can be tough, but you both will survive...I find also that prayer helps to soften their hearts towards you, their mom. Blessings and peace your way.

[deleted account]

This is absolutely normal! In fact, there are going to be times you don't like your own daughter no matter how much you love her. Your daughter may go through a love hate relationship. She may tell you she hates you and it will kill you inside and you need to let her know that hurts you and you don't deserve to be spoken to that way but cry in private. Teenagers are looking for control in their world and searching for those buttons to push that gives them control. Unfortunately, they don't have a lot of control over those emotions of theirs for quit some time. Mine started to get some control around 18 and 20 but I'm not seeing and end to the drama :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/29/2011

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It is indeed normal. Just always let her know that you are there, you love her, and try to keep the lines of communication open with her. If she vents to you about school or friends, do not try to be quick to help her solve the problem. Just be there to listen. If she wants advice she will ask "what should I do?". In that case, give her some options of how YOU may handle it, and try to leave all judgement aside. Her worst enemy today, might be her best friend tomorrow.....and that includes you.

Judi - posted on 07/29/2011

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There are differing opinions here, and everywhere. I have heard parents say, "Oh, my child isn't a difficult teen." I have two teenage girls, 14 and 16. I also have two preschoolers 4 and 2. There are children who sit nicely and do everything that they are told and it is their personality. Some children are more challenging and go through phases where you have to be very firm but loving. Each one of my children has challenged me in a different way and I love them all, unconditionally. I believe that if you start discipline early, then you have less issues later. Yes, your children may tell you they hate you because you don't let them have what they want or do what they want. My 16 year old tells me that she loves me and that when she says she hates me it is simply to let me know that she doesn't like being told no. I believe in communicating with children, but I also believe that in some cases you just have to put your foot down and let them know you are in charge. You're not "being their friend" when you hang out with them or go to the movies. You are still being their mother. The time that you spend with them allows them to talk about the things that are going on in their lives. It allows them to have a sounding board, sometimes for advice and sometimes just to spew. Keep open ears and firm boundaries and it will resolve itself in the end.

Susan - posted on 07/29/2011

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Perfectly normal at that age. She's busy establishing her identity as a teenager/young woman - depending on the day of the week. Her hormones are going crazy, her world is going crazy and her mom "just doesn't understand". Ignore what you can, pick your fights carefully. After all, how important is it in the grand scheme of things that her clothes are weird, her hair drives you crazy, etc. What's important is that she stays within safe physical and emotional boundaries. Next time she says she doesn't like you, just say "I often don't like you either, but I will always love you!"
Hang in there - she will outgrow this phase too...in about 3-4 years.

Gina - posted on 07/29/2011

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I'm with JuLeah, yes she will yell you she hates you and that you're ruining her life.Her body is changing, and she could be scared.
All you can do give her space but let her know she can talk to you if she needs to.

Make sure you don't let her get away with been rude, or by not listening to you,Like JuLeah said, she still need limits.
Hang in there,with your love you'll both get through this.

You might want to see maybe something else is going on, other than just been a teenager, she is worried about anything or is she been bullied? It's worth finding out if it is just puberty.

Melissa - posted on 07/29/2011

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Take a look at www.loveandlogic.com we recently went to one of their conferences and it turned our house around in a matter of days. Life is much happier around her now. Love and logic teaches a much calmer, no-nonsense approach to parenting that really works. It has really made life a lot more fun around here, we were at wits end with one of our kids, and now we are actually enjoying her again. I highly recommend it. We ended up buying their cds to listen to in the car and they are funny and entertaining and give you great ideas on how to deal with lots of things kids throw your way. Good luck with her and God Bless. Plus a good diet and regular sleep go a long way in helping out too.

Helene - posted on 07/29/2011

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Yes its very normal, as my daughter did the same thing when she was 13, she now 36 and we get along just fine and reminds me often that she loves me, its just a fade that they gp through and also the friends she does hang out with, One day at a time she will come around. She does love you

Melissa - posted on 07/29/2011

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Check out loveandlogic.com I recently went to one of their conferences and it was really worth it. I have been listening to their cds in the car and they are funny and give great advice on how to calmly deal with children of all ages. I highly recommend it. It has showed huge results within days at our house. Good luck with her and God Bless you. You'll make it through we always do. A good diet and good sleep go a long way too.

De Ann - posted on 07/29/2011

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It happens... As a mother of five (4 being daughters), I must say I've had my battles. It started with my step-daughter at 14. She had her highs and lows but I remained firm on discipline when she thought she'd try me. It worked out later. Don't be a "push over". When she gets older, she will come to understand what all the fuss was about and actually thank you for not giving up. My now 18 year old was the same way. She did everything within her limits to push the envelope. Children will try you. Every year it will be something new. Try starting mother/daughter days. That seemed to help with my girls. They felt like I cared enough to spend the day with them and go on trips or just go to the mall or go get our nails done. Now it's expected...LOL. We get along better with our daughters when they get older. Don't lose faith, it will work out in the end. Hope this helps.

Mary - posted on 07/29/2011

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Oh yes pretty much, at that age my daughter became that way with her father, now 16 she still like that with him, i told him my 18 she will be totally different, and will love him again, be presistent with her and do not change the way you are, keep to normal routine, Things will get better.

Bettie - posted on 07/29/2011

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My step-daughter is pretty much acting this way towards her dad. She lives with her mom but is supposed to be with her dad every other weekend and every middle of the week. Lately, she doesn't even care to be with him on his weekend, which has turned into Saturdays now, and at 15, just thinks her dad is for transportation to see her friends or money to hand out. He has told her plenty that her mom gets money from him anyway, she is tuning him out for other interests, and I know as a teen girl, it happens. She has forgotten his birthdays for several years now and Father's day is just another day to her. She posts her love for her momma, but nothing for her dad on facebook. Very sad how she is treating her dad, but she will grow out of it and she will realize how much he is there for her and did leave her even when she was this way. Pray for their future, it does help!

Alice - posted on 07/29/2011

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Yes it is normal in this situation. Your Daughter is starting puberty and her body is changing and to me she is reaching out for affection from her Mommy.How old is your other child? This always seems to be a problem too if she has a younger sibling. Just giving you advice from what i have experienced with my children when they were younger.I have 2 sons but daughters or sons doesn't matter,same result. Wish You All The Best,Just Take Quality time with You and Daughter sometimes.She is looking for this and she doesn't mean she doesn't like you,She is saying I Love You Mommy but would like time with just you...Quality Time!! Wish You All The Best and Your Daughter too♥

Amanda - posted on 07/29/2011

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Then I was very lucky I've raised 3 children and not one of them had any issues with me. I was the mother and what I said, went, maybe I was just lucky. Today we are more friends but they still respect me as a mother. But I've stayed on my knees praying for my children every day and still do.

[deleted account]

YES! I hated my mum from the time I was like 12 till I had my first child at age 23! My 18 year old sister is the same. It's a matter of rebelling against your authority. It sucks but as long as her behaviour doesn't become harmful or distructive then pushing her to "be nice" will only make her more distant. It seems hard but try and keep a line of communication open with her, even if it's just asking how her day was, or what she would like for dinner or something simple.

Mary - posted on 07/28/2011

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This is the age. Don't be discouraged. The words may sting, but she will come around.

JuLeah - posted on 07/28/2011

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I think it's true that, well in this culture anyway, we expect/accept a lot of bad behavior and call it 'normal teen behavior' when in fact, it is not normal at all.

Yes homromes rage. Yes, explosive fits of "I hate you" might come out of thier mouths, but think about it ... historically, and still in many cultures, teen were/are married with families of their own.

Historially teens did not have without earning, did not get without giving, were not expected to be rude, disrespectful, lazy ... they worked, helped to support the family, raised their younger sibs, plowed, harrowed, planted, cooked, cleaned, milked, churned ....

Yes, they are hard years and yes it is a time of change and adjustment, BUT - I think we can set limits, have expectation, and assume a high standard of behavior

Deedra - posted on 07/28/2011

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Being a teenager is a tough adjustment to everything!
I don't think it is "normal" to tell your mom or dad that you hate her or him. I have 2 grown children, a son and a daughter both in their late twenties now and they love and respect both myself and my husband now just as they always have. They really are wonderful adults and they were always amazing remarkable kids and teens too.
Neither of them ever told us that they hated us and they never disrespected us. What's our secret? I would have to say that love, respect, and consistency for their entire lives has played a big part. When they were 2 or 5 or 8 and they wanted to show us the fort they built or the pretty butterfly or whatever, we took the time to show them how very important they are to us and I think we got to experience that reciprocal respect and love throughout their teenage years. We also firmly believe that teaching them about the loving Savior Jesus Christ, and them seeing the reality of His love and forgiveness lived out in our lives, helped to teach them to love, honor, and respect us, their parents. We're still stand amazed that the Lord blessed us with such a wonderful gift as our children!

[deleted account]

I agree with most everyone. Also, though, remember to pick your battles. Stay very firm on the things that really matter, but don't sweat the small stuff. My sons hit that age and decided they wanted to buzz their hair. I really didn't want them to do it, but it was their hair, so I let them. Yes, they looked a little odd and they really didn't like it and they haven't done it again. They're 22 and 21 now...

Tracey - posted on 07/28/2011

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please please dont beat yourself up....just be her mum and have rules that she needs to adhere too...my daughter is 14 and ho boy attitude....please just try and smile through it...its nothing personal i promise....she loves you really xxxxx

Kim - posted on 07/28/2011

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Teenage years are the most confusing years for them and their parents. I tell people all the time do not take it personal. My daughter did the same thing to me and I was shocked. We were so close at one time and t hen one day all the conversations ceased and she acted like she could not stand me to say anything to her. It is just a stage they go through. Allow her to be herself and she will come around.

Shane - posted on 07/28/2011

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When I was that age (pretty much all through teenage years) I was the most horrible person to my Mu, I would tell her I hated her at least once a day, ignore her completely, call her names, I absolutely HATE myself now, thinking back, but thankfully, my Mum and I have the best relationship now that I'm older. It is just a stage, and as Juleah said, don't take anything personally. xxx

Kim - posted on 07/28/2011

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Yes they all go through a stage where they hate us. My daughter did it and now my soon to be 12 year old is like it. I think it's because mine can't get away with things that others can .

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