Teenage daughter won't listen to reason. Help me out here please!

Toni - posted on 11/03/2009 ( 153 moms have responded )

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My oldest daughter (17 yrs old) is dating a 19 yr old boy, rather stoner. She has straight A's. She is beautiful, bubbly and can do better. They have been datin for exactly 1 yr. Believe me I have tried to break them up. I kno the harder I push the more she will want to be with him. He isn't that bad but he does have a record and is in trouble w/th law now (mary jane). We are small town, he is not. Hell he's polynesian. That does not bother me. What does is he's a stoner. She isn't. She knos exactly what college she is going to and what her major is. He don't like it. He is tryin to be controling with her. Tellin her where she can and cant go. (Me tarzan U jane) crap. He makes her cry alot and it is starting to affect her self-esteem. He has already graduated (thank god).
I kno none of you kno me, but I am a force to be reckoned with. He is on very thin ice w/me. Yes I am a redneck and proud of it. But i'm not stupid by any means.

Basically I want him gone, but don't kno how to do it. It needs to be her idea or her own doing but how do I get her to do that? Up for any ideas.

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Valerie - posted on 12/12/2009

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Pray for her that she will see he is not good for her and for her eyes to be opened

Lydia - posted on 11/04/2009

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The male dominance thing is probably what he was brought up with. I had a friend who dated a guy from India who had that tradition in his family (he actually banned her from seeing me because I told her to stand up or shut up - and she usually chose the former). It may be best to have her friends talk to her rather than you (because she may take the criticism of him more openly from them if she hasnt been taking it from you) about seeing someone who constantly hurts you does not equal love - that she is worth more than that. I would definately not use his drug use as the reason she should stop seeing him to her - as this obviously isnt an issue for her, instead focus on the fact that he upsets her alot. Just how I would probably approach it...

Nthabiseng - posted on 12/11/2009

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Hi Toni! I'm 27yrs old and a mother to a 2yr old.A simple remedy to your problem is to allow your daughter to make her own mistakes.The greatest life changing lesson you can learn is through your own mistakes,just be there to love and support her.She will eventually come around to see her a boyfriend for what he really is a nasty bad habit

Renee - posted on 11/09/2009

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Wow. Now that you already have more suggestions you can shake a stick at, I'll throw my two cents in as well. I teach Domestic Violence Intervention, and this guy is showing classic signs. Knowing teenagers, she's not going to hear that from you. What I would suggest is that you educate her on the beginning stages of domestic abuse and ask her if SHE sees any of those signs in her relationship. Once she's informed, it will remain on her mind. The best thing that you can do afterwards is be sure that she knows she can always come home to you and you will not judge her. Many women in this situation carry an abundance of shame and guilt, and it is difficult to share it with the people they are closest to. Let her know she can always come home, be non-judgemental and mean it. That's my 2 cents! Good luck and God bless.

Cynthia - posted on 11/09/2009

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17, almost an adult, I agree with a few comments, Dad needs to be involved. in a low key way, going for a walk with her, asking her how she feels about this young man. How does she feel about her education? What does she get from this young man? Does she feel more adult when she is with him. Does he support her goals. How does dad feel about education, Dad needs to tell her how he values her as his daughter as a person, as an adult. and Mom needs to reinforce these things.



We all know as women that the best men make us feel good about being ourselves, they reinforce our positives, appreciate our negatives at time. Value our opinions and appreciate us more when we value ourselves, our gifts. I



We know that if a man loves us he will still love us after we get our education and will support us in acheiving our goals.



And yes invite the young man around for dinner, find out what his goals are for his life, does he have the support of his parents for his goals. Ask him about his culture, his faiths. Ask him about the values of his community. Ask him about the women of his community. What does he value. TALK about marriage, and be sure to tell him what your expectations of a son in law would be. Tell him what kind of person you want for your daughter. how that person must value all of your daughter physically and mental and emotionaly.



Your daughter needs to know you are on her side, and by asking your questions with curiosity and without patronising will show her how much you value her, and love her.



Remember to protect your daughter if he continues to threaten her, have her document all her meetings, dates with her boy friend, Tell her to write down how she feels when she is with him and after she is with him.

If she feels threatened by him you may need to move her to somewhere safe until he can be dealt with. I hope all goes well with you all.

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Bethany - posted on 11/22/2011

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I can give you a personal experience. One from me and one from my sister. I dated a controlling guy when I was 17. I got good grades, went to church, didn't smoke or drink. I was a good kid. He was a bad boy. BINGO! He was adventure, he excited me. He showed me a world outside of my own seemingly dull one. Not that I did anything bad, I didn't start doing drugs or getting bad grades. Getting that "high" off of him was enough for me. After a year we broke up, I was shattered, and I got over it and met my now husband, and 5 years later I'm happy as ever!

My sister is a lot more similar to your daughter. Straight A's, beautiful and bubbly, bright future. When she was 17 (That seems to be the age of rebellion) she met her stoner dude. Total deadbeat, my mom despised him. As you said, my mom's efforts to break them up drove her closer to him. They were together 5 years. My sister went on to college, worked 2 jobs. Justin sat at their house smoking weed. It did unfortunately take 5 years, but ultimately my sister was too smart to stay with him. She knew he wasn't going anywhere, and she was going far.

Chances are, this guy is just a phase. An adrenaline rush, a bad boy addiction. Don't piss her off, because that will push her further. Let her know your distaste of course. Try to bring his flaws further into light so she can't help but see them and can't avoid them. I do hope she grows out of it soon, for her sake and for yours!

Nicole - posted on 12/11/2009

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I am sorry that you are going through this. About 8 years ago I was just like your daughter. My parents tried everything and it just made me want to stay with him more. I married him and it made my life the worst I could imagine. My parents tried to tell me and I thought I knew what I wanted. Of course when I needed to cry on my moms shoulder she was still there. The best advise is to see if her friends would take the time to talk to her about what is going on. She will be going off to school soon and that will open her eyes my eyes really opened when I got to college. Pray with everything you are. Ask God to direct her and show her the way. It will happen God always shows us the right path it may take some time though, You and your family are in my family's prayers. Take a deep breath and go do something for yourself maybe it will take your mind off of things.

Renae - posted on 12/11/2009

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Focus on college. Make sure she goes away to college!!!!! There is no way the relationship will last long distance. Her world will open up at college and she will see there are better men out there.



This is probably not helpful, and probably not a good idea, but its funny... my mother would chase him away with a baseball bat and made him too scared to come anywhere near me (yes my crazy mother actually did this!).

[deleted account]

Still doesn't work as a link. Oh well, just copy and paste the whole link, even the black part, or google "Power and Control Wheel". This one is particularly appropriate because it is the "teen" one.

[deleted account]

Hmm, the power and control wheel URL didn't show correctly, I'll try again. This is what finally convinced my mom after a 35-year bad marriage that she was correct in saying something is really wrong here, when he had always been able to convince her otherwise. A smart girl seeing this will get the picture!
http://www.michigan.gov/datingviolence/0,1607,7-233-46553-169739--,00.html

Brenda Lee - posted on 12/10/2009

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First of all, the phrase properly used is that you are a force NOT to be reckoned with. Now that THAT little pet peve of mine has been addressed, I do sympathize with you. I have a 19 year old daughter who is just BEGINNING to grow a brain again! Gosh, sometimes I think they were more responsible at 12 or 13 than at 16 - 19. You are right-it has to be HER idea, but who says you can't enlist some of your own old girlish ideas? Thats right. Think on her level. Get to know her GIRL friends, find out where the GOOD hangouts are, and get her back OUT THERE so to speak. Once someone new pays a little attention to her, she may see that there are more and better fish in the sea.The best way to be rid of a boyfriend, is with a new one! Good luck.

Andrea - posted on 12/09/2009

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Believe it or not Let it go seems crazy but I have a teen that keeps making the same mistakes, only when I throw my hand up, I get results truly .. I remember I was in a very simular situation when I was a teen and as Im writing this I relize only thing that broke me away from that BAD guy was my mom had no more fight and I just seemed to loose intrest. I was not trying to hurt her I was in love so I thought any way Im not saying give up Im just suggesting you let go alittle really wish you a lot of luck we all just want the best for them dont we :)

Beverly - posted on 11/18/2009

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i agree with lenore. my daughter was doing the same thing. now she's 27 has a baby, works hard everyday and still can't seem to get her life together. her depression tears me apart. i tell her everyday to just pray from her heart. i love my daughter and granddaughter very much and would do anything for them but prayer is the best thing they need and lots of emonitional support. GOOD LUCK

Vinita - posted on 11/14/2009

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hi toni this is the serious problum how to show mirror to teenagers i suggest u join the gan and in between try to tel her no one give waitage to a girl unless she has good carrier and good degree in her hand in mean time she can enjoy his company without neglecting her studies good luck!!!!!! i my self is mother of 17yrs old girl its tough to handle them

Jacqueline - posted on 11/12/2009

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Accept him...This is the best way...Teenagers are very rebellious especially when they are in LOVE! Just accept him...she will grow out of him...and for the time being, she will not make you her worst enemy but best friend. This is very difficult but it is the only way for you. Otherwise, she will be telling you lies just to be out with him. Once you accept him, encourage him to come hand around the house and go along family outings. This way, you can watch them.

Diane - posted on 11/11/2009

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I don't know you or your situtation at home. But here is a question....what are the interactions like between your husband/boyfriend? Is he demanding of you? Does he try to control you and your every move. My point is...We do what we know. If it's not your relationship...are there other adult relationships that she is exposed to that are simular to they way he treats her. She very well may think it is okay. If it is your relationship tell her things you don't like about it. The things you want to be different. Or tell her a story of an old boyfriend and the way he treated you. The reasons why you left and what you gained out of it. BUT ultimately, we do have to learn through expereience. My mother told me all her stories growing up. all about her drug addicition, being with older men, having a child kinda young. Here's what I thought at ages 13-18 "yeah okay mam you have no idea, we are different, times are different, what happened to you IS NOT happening to me it's different." Well, I got pregnant younger than her....still abused drugs for a short while...still dated older men until I learned for my self that they didn't love me, being a mother is harder than I thought...your were right mom. In my opinion, as she is 17 and will do what ever she wants to...support her. If she stays with him...support her decision, you don't have to like it, you can communicate that you don't and here are the reasons why, but that you will support her. When she calls crying, listen to her, don't say told you so. That will make it worse, probe questions like why does his behavior bother you? How did that make you feel? What could you say to him? And when the relationship fails, be there to hug her and love her and support her. I just left my husband in June and had to move in with my mother for a short while. Everytime I would talk about my situstion seeking advice and solutions and for her opinion, she said to me..."I don't want to influeunce your decision...it is your decision...what ever you decide I will support you in anyway that I can." That was the best answer and she did that. I hope this helped you. Even if it didn't I hope that it made you think alittle. You said you're a redneck. Well I am pretty average but I have a getto bone that comes out when it needs to. Sometimes we have to fight that erge back. If you try to interfer too much it could profoundly affect ther relationship between you and her especially if he is controlling. He could turn her against you more than you think she will be against you. Becareful.

Tiffany - posted on 11/10/2009

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Coming from a girl who dated guys that her parents disapproved of........let it run it's course. You cannot change the way she feels. She will go behind your back and see him if that is what she really wants. She is going to need to find out for herself, even if she gets her ehart broken, that he is not the one for her. Don't put a wall between the 2 of you because of him. Now that I have an 18 1/2 yo son (I had him at 19) and have disapproved of several girls, I know what I put my parents thru. I am honest with him and tell him how I feel about the girls he dates, but I never tell him he can't date her. But, I am pretty vocal about how I feel but I always say, better you than me....she's a B and I would never date someone that treated me that way or whatever the case may be. It has always run it's course. Stay strong

Peggy - posted on 11/10/2009

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I'm not sure ignoring this is a good idea. While it may not be the best idea to force them apart you can still put your foot down and protect your daughter from an unhealthy situation. You can sit down (in a calm but firm way) and talk to both of them and let them know that his controlling her and her not standing up is an unhealthy relationship and let him know that you are going to protect your daughter by only allowing her to spend time with him when you are around. Tell him you are concerned that this relationship is affecting her self esteem and that she is crying a lot. You will be giving her a lesson that will last a lifetime-how a man should treat a woman. It might not hurt to recommend they see a couselor together to drive home the point to him that this is unhealthy behavior. If your daughter balks at this you can remind her that as long as she is living at home as a child with you supporting her that she will still have to follow your rules. I told my son that if he didn't want to follow rules he could pay rent! You can let him know that you will treat him in a decent way when he comes around but he must treat your daughter with respect. It sounds like he may not have had a good family life and this may be a good thing for him as well. As hard as it is to be nice to him this is what needs to happen to moniter this situation.

Emma - posted on 11/10/2009

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every1 build a bridge and get over it storm i agrre with alot but every else get over it let her live her life if she makes mistakes she will learn from them in time she old enough not to get her bottom wiped all the time good bye get over it

Emma - posted on 11/10/2009

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being someone that had her mother do the same thing ur doing yes u will push her away look she will realise in her own time when she is ready to that he is not right 4 her all u caan do is be there to support her trust me it does work out in the end i was 14 he was 21 trust me he did the same thing to me but lot worse drugs ok just be there for her sorry also let her make her own decicions she wiil learn from them in the long run by the way i have benn going out with a stoner i have had a beautiful baby girl and he is sticking by me through thik and thin she is in hospital and and a stood by me and her not all stoners are bad give him ago stop trying to run your daughters life if you dont want to lose my god reverse sycology always does the trick let her find out for her self otherwise you will lose her for good take my advice

Kahu - posted on 11/10/2009

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Play nicer! Invite him over, encourage them to spend time together (even though it makes you sick) keep a good relationship with your daughter, continue to encourage her regarding the college she is attending and all the fun things she will be doing etc etc sooner or later she WILL get tired of him been so domineering and HOPEFULLY she will be the one to bring up the idea of finishing this relationship with him. But as some say, once you go black you never go back! That might be her problem, she is more in love with the physical because he doesnt sound to cluey to me and definately not the type of person you want for your daughter. YOU GO MUM!

Olufunmilola - posted on 11/10/2009

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Hi Tony,



I don't know how strong your belief in God is but my only advice to you is that you should settle it on your knees with God.



Teenagers can be very adamant especially when they know someone is really against them, try to be mild and make it look as if you are not against the boy but fight it out quietly on your knees and see what the result would be. Funmi

Laurie - posted on 11/09/2009

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My sister dated an emotionally and physically controlling jerk for 2 years. She skipped school (I walked her to school in a horrible outfit with a clown face on :D) and snuck out. Her grades slipped a little but we love each other. I told her that I can not tell her to leave him or what to do. I explained that I understood love and loyalty and fear of repercussion. I told her I loved her and would support ANY decision she made. If she ever wanted to leave him I would do whatever I had to to keep her safe. I told her that if ever she wanted me to introduce him to a couple of my male friends to say so but if I saw so much as a mark on her I'd do it myself. She is a wonderful person with a husband and 3 kids now. Let her know that one of these days she will decide that she doesn't want to hurt or cry or give up her personality for anyone. When that day comes she won't talk about it she'll just leave him and that you will be there till she gets there and to help her afterwards. It was very hard to hold her when she cried or yell at her when she snuck out or listen to the stories but I did and because I did she found the strength to end the relationship. I am the dominant one of my sisters, I don't take a lot of crap and that helped too.

Laura - posted on 11/09/2009

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One thing I have done with my 16 yr old son is gradually point out flaws but not point them out ask about them. Ask what your daughter thinks about this "loser" quality tho do not say loser. It starts them thinking and hopefully she will leave the boyfriend behind. Also you can try asking her advice about what a friends daughter should do in "this" situation. She may not see herself right away, change a few things but it will sink in.

Ann - posted on 11/09/2009

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Sometimes reverse psycology works. No matter how you feel inside, don't let it show on the outside. Hopefully,she will begin to realize what he is and decide for herself, this is not what she wants to be part of.

Teri - posted on 11/09/2009

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okay, you have a choice. She is 17 under age, he is 19 over age, call in the cops. Beleive me if the boy is doin drugs he will run. Your daughter might hate you for awhile, but oh well. I went went thru the same basic scenario about 10 yrs ago, it helped to call in the cops & put some scare into the boy.

Leah - posted on 11/09/2009

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The best thing to do is to let your daughter make her own mistakes. It is the only way she will learn.

Alisa - posted on 11/09/2009

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I can tell you one thing, and if it doesn't work I don't know what will. She needs to read "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg B.(not sure of last name, but title is very popular and won't be hard to find), maybe give it to her for b-day or Christmas. I read this after I had gotten a divorce from my husband, the whole time I was reading it, I kept saying to my self, " wish I'd read this when I was dating", it really opened my eyes. I let every woman and girl in my family read it, because I believe it has in knowledge that every female shoud know and knowledge is power. Good luck!

Parames - posted on 11/09/2009

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Bring in a friend whom she knows to your home under the pretext of having him over for meals and when he gets to come over regularly - make them both spend more time together, maybe their friendship will bloom - you have had 123 suggestions - I hope this will work!

Amber - posted on 11/09/2009

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First of all, you're letting your minor child date an adult...even though their age is only two years apart, her getting in trouble because of him could end up your problem because she is a minor. I wouldn't allow her to see him only because of his criminal record and let her know that. Good luck.

Leonora - posted on 11/08/2009

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I rebelled long before 19, the more my mom pushed the moe I pushed back. She finds him different from her way of life or maybe she's afraid & just can't leave him. Have you tried asking someone she is close to, to speak with her? Maybe there is something she can sayto them, that she is afraid to tell you!! Keep up your faith & Go d will give you an answer

Jessica - posted on 11/08/2009

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I mentioned this to my husband. (I hope y’all don’t mind a dad’s interjection on a mom site.) He works with teens on both sides of the equation. And those involved in other situations. According to him, the hard truth of it is that she may need to be "gooned".

Gooned: that's when you wake up with two big Polynesians taking you to the airport and you get dumped off in the desert (with a trained guide, of course) to learn self-esteem, self-reliance, and to have time being cut off from the rest of the world so you can focus on healing yourself.

That's what they do “in the industry”. It works for most of them. But it costs more than I'll see in 10 years--or so. Which is too bad.

So maybe she just needs time away, time to think without distraction. Maybe there's some way to do that--maybe a vacation of some sort, away from it all. I don't know. It's an idea, though.

Come to think of it, he may be right. Something like that worked for me, taking a semester out to spend in Russia as a volunteer. I learned a lot about myself during that time. And, for the first time, I felt confident in myself. That was a turning point for me; I no longer relied on others for feelings of worth. I took control of my own life, and began to dream, and to follow those dreams.

My $0.02, for what it’s worth.

We pray for you and yours. Best wishes.

Cheri - posted on 11/08/2009

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this is a very dificult situation but have you tried to talk to the boyfriend. my daughter was in the same situation years ago i just realized I could not force them apart so I went the opposite way and invited him over to family functions and i talked openly about his problems and asked him what his intentions for his future were and what his intentions for my daughter were and instead of them going out on dates I would make a point of having him around for dinner and other functions. he finally got tired of this and so did my daughter and they broke off. I still hear from him to this day because I didn't judge him but I let him know that he was an adult but my daughter was not and she was still in my care and I had a right to know the person she was involved with and I controlled the situation. he said he respected me for that treating him so fairly that other parents never gave him that option. he has turned out to be a good guy and had a family now but he agrees that he and my daughter never were right for each other.

Jessica - posted on 11/08/2009

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One thing to remember is that teenagers are physiologically incapable of thinking with the rational part of the brain and the emotional part of the brain at the same time. Most people don't know that, but it explains so much. Even teenagers can't tell that that's what's going on. So it is a very different mindset. They have adult-like ideas and desires, but are not yet capable of thinking as an actual adult. Even the really smart ones. I didn’t.



Also, understand that druggies control those who care about them because they have the least vested interest in the situation. Stoners can manipulate others because they don't care what it does to others. She's stuck in that game right now. But when the other person decides enough is enough and shows no more interest in keeping the relationship going (even if they do), the druggie loses their bargaining chip. But only she can decide that.



Or, perhaps, she is afraid of him. In that case, if he ever does something to her, boom! Jail time. That type of long-distance relationship probably would die off. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. (Sorry if that sounded bad. But it happens.)



You're right, though, that trying to break them up may just put a wall between you and your daughter. Even if you explain that you have her best interests in mind. That rational part of the brain still isn't talking to the emotional part yet.



Yeah, I’ve had my share of wanting to kill–literally–some of my little sisters’ boyfriends for things they’ve done. And when my daughter reaches that age, it may get worse. That’s natural, and I feel it’s a good indication of love and mothering instinct. But then there’s laws, and social customs, and religious teachings . . . they all tend to get in the way of that instinct–which is probably for the better, I guess. ;)



My heart goes out to you. It is a hard thing to watch someone you love make bad decisions that hurt them. But there comes a time when you have to have faith that they will remember what they have been taught and will make the right choice in the end. You have to do that no matter how much it hurts. That’s the blessing and the curse of love.



But what to do. Assuming you are religious--any religion--pray for help, hope, strength, love, opportunity, guidance. Even if you’re not, try it anyway--who knows, it might help you see more clearly. Show her love by listening. That's one thing I never had growing up, a mom who listened without criticism. I think several bad events in my life may have been avoided had I felt free to talk with her. My sisters started each loser relationship claiming that "at least he listens to me"--but ended each with "he doesn't care about me." Maybe it's a little bit of the "angst" thing showing. I ended up as the one my sisters came to; I wasn’t old enough to be mom, but I did my best. I listened to them, and eventually they listened to me.



My dad listened, but I didn’t see him much. But when we could talk, it helped me feel loved and wanted and important, and the effect would last sometimes for days. She needs to feel important, now more than ever, but in a healthy way. You know not to manipulate her. Don't let her manipulate you.



Do things with her (or even sometimes with them, if he’s not too much of a jerk to come)–bike ride, movie, skipping stones, making cookies, window shopping (because it’s cheaper), or whatever. And just be together, enjoying the togetherness. Don’t bring up the subject of the boyfriend, just listen to whatever she wants to talk about. Focus on the beauty of life and living. If she’s a good person, she’ll follow the light. I know she will. It may take time, but she will. Trust her, love her, listen to her, and pray that it will all turn right in the end.



I think parenthood may be the most difficult thing anyone can ever do. Personally, I’d rather train tigers.

Jackie - posted on 11/08/2009

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Don't know how you're going to take this, but I have felt led to tell you this & it's up to you whether you act on it or not. I don't know if you have any kind of a relationship with the Lord; but now is a good time to get one, if you don't; not just for your daughter, but for yourself. The only thing that will be powerful enough to change this whole situation is PRAYER & LOVE. You already know that fighting her on it will only drive her closer to him; so backing off is the best thing. With prayer, you can either pray him out of her life or pray that the Lord will change them both into God-fearing and God-loving kids. Looking at things in the natural can get us down; however, remember God is a Supernatural God & all things are possible with Him. Give her lots of love, hug her & tell her every day that you love her; all the while rubbing her back & telling her you love her. Remember, love never fails. I pray that you make the right decision & that this situation changes. May God bless you with patience to to be stedfast in your praying.

Jodie - posted on 11/08/2009

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i can relate my 19 year old daughter is pregnant with her 2nd child she is dating a guy that has been in and out of jail.girls of this age won't listen to reason even when things go wrong.my daughter was beaten by her ex boyfriend then went back to him 2 days later there was nothing i could do .it is painful to watch your daughter making wrong or bad choices but there is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind.

Lillian - posted on 11/08/2009

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Well for starters, she probably isn't going to listen to reason because she can't...her frontal lobe isn't done developing yet. You just have to lay out the facts for her. My guess is way down deep, she knows he's not a good choice for her. She most likely has a profession in mind if she knows which college she'll be attending. Ask her how he is going to build her up, emotionally speaking, to encourage her to reach her goals. Ask her what kind of father he will really be, if and when he becomes one. Ask her if she really sees herself with him for the rest of her life. I don't know if you are a spiritual person or not but ask her if she really thinks this guy is God's will for her life. The fact that you mention she "can do better" makes me think she is lowering her standards and settling for this guy to keep from sitting at home on "date night". Help her to make alternative plans with a good friend or group of friends...get her to see what she's missing and maybe she won't be so anxious to be at Tarzan's beck and call. Casually remind her that smoking weed burns up brain cells.

Laura - posted on 11/08/2009

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I can see you're very pset and this translates int your talks with your daughter. I understand I have one older than yours that had a hard time seeing her relationship with a man was bad for her. First of all, is he really controlling, if so look around for a support group for battered and abused women such as Sistercare. If it is just that you are afraid he will lead your daughter astray consider what you know of your daughter. At 17 she is pretty well grown. Did you do a good job with her? It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders in most respects. Your pushing, him pulling turns her into a battlefield and a trophy to be won. Ever see a battlefield after a battle? Been there done that, it is no fun. My Mom was certain I was throwing my life away when I married young, but I was right and have had a great life. Don't let your fear of losing control of your daughter drive a wedge between you. You will lose control in the course of life anyway. In fact we are supposed to prepare them to fly on their own. Raising tomatoes is much easier than raising children. There are no hard and fast answers, just let her know that you love her. Let her know she can always depend on you if she needs to, never let her feel cut off or not good enough. That is the best any of us can do.

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I know my sister went through this with my niece. No one in the family liked the relationship she was in. She had a mainly on line relationship with a guy for over 2 yrs. He moved a way not long after they met. She was letting life pass her by, letting all her high school teens year float out the window. He hadn't finished H.S. and wasn't working. He seemed to always have an excuse for everything in his life. We would try to talk to her to make her see he was a looser. It did finally get through. Especially when her mom finally told him he was not good enough for her daughter, he couldn't finish school or get a job. They are the same ages as your daughter.

Crystal - posted on 11/08/2009

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DON'T back down and keep talking to her! Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk....unil you can not talk anymore!

Cher - posted on 11/08/2009

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Trust her, tell her your there to listen. Bring up positive things about him. Let her know it bothers you and hurts you to see her upset. But your relationship is more important. Shes old enough to suffer her own consequences. It hurts but is necessary for them to make mistakes in order to learn. And because you are obviously smart its harder to get things past you, they will rebel. Good Luck

Betty - posted on 11/08/2009

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i read all of the womens words and they are all great ... just dont yell or fight with her .. sit down and talk . tell her your worried about her with this guy.. with him being into drugs explain the law part with her and your concerns with her being with him..just be open with her and talk and tell her you will be there for her always.. that you will have to trust her to know what is best... you raised her she knows deep down she knows but we all have had a time in our lives that we thought if our love was strong enough we can change this person... yes we can not change someone they have to want to change and if he loves her he will give up the pot and straighen his act up but he prob wont and she will have to see that for herself yes it is going to be hard for you to sit back and watch this but always just talk to her and let her know you will be there for her to talk with .. keep the line open for her to come to you with anything.. love at 17 seems so deep but as we grow we know better .. give her time and just talk with her honestly about how you feel and then let it go .. let her find her way .

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The only thing i can advice u to do is just pray,god will help you and will also help her to change.when i was 20 i was in the same situation,my mum didnt like my boyfriend because he was using drug.life was not easy for me but i pray alot.so pray alot God will help you

[deleted account]

The only thing i can advice u to do is just pray,god will help you and will also help her to change.when i was 20 i was in the same situation,my mum didnt like my boyfriend because he was using drug.life was not easy for me but i pray alot.so pray alot God will help you

Deb - posted on 11/08/2009

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I've read through the posts and I am going to give the same advice. I have raised three girls. Ay...yi...yi... The more you push the more she wants him. Accept him with open arms. If you do this she will come around sooner than later. She may ask you why you have changed your mind. Tell her you haven't but you trust her to make the right choice for her life. She is 17 and nothing you are going to say is going to change her mind. Only she can do that. Prayer or journal to help you relieve the stress, because is it very stressful to watch this. But the more you scream, yell, ground her, etc. she will start to resent you, if she hasn't already. This will drive a wedge between you that you do not want. I learned the hard way, believe me. We cannot make our children believe the way we do. We just have to set an example and hope and pray for the best. God Bless!

Tricia - posted on 11/08/2009

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My children are not that old right now, but when I was that age I dated that young. Believe me when I say this, u are pushing her close to him and losing repect with her, because she may think she is old enough to make her on decision. Let her do it she will learn on her on. Just be quite and when she goes to jail she will learn. Plus, if he is smoking mary jane then more than likely she is.

Mattie - posted on 11/08/2009

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Stop pushing so hard, stop putting him down to her, sit her down and talk to her calmly and ask her to tell you 10 positive things about him that makes her want to be with him. Then calmly explain to her the cons of being with someone that smokes weed, and how it can lead to harder drugs that will effect her as much even if she does not do drugs, take her to a shelter and let her see how people have lost everything they have worked for in the name of drugs, take her to a prison or the county jail and let her see that is where he is going to end up and so will she if she does not break it off now, because if she is in the car with him and he has drugs in the car, she goes to jail as well...maybe this will wake her up. however the more you object the more she will dig in her hills. Look at it like this, she will be graduating in a few months and off to college, once she gets there she will be around a diverse group of kids that will open her eyes to the fact that there is more to life and love than loser boy.. Since the holidays are coming, maybe you should take her and your other kids on a trip to put some time and space between them.

Jodi - posted on 11/08/2009

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I don't know how to tell you to accomplish this, but my thoughts are with you. I married young to a guy that was the same way, after he isolated, smacked me around, and ruined every ounce of self esteem I had I divorced him. At 42 I still have the self esteem problem. I wish I had an answer for you because it sounds like he needs to be gone. I don't know what state you live in, but he is over 18 and she is not. That may help you out. I wish you the very best, and hope you find the answer. God Bless !!!

Sharon - posted on 11/08/2009

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Talk to her girlfriends. After he cuts you out, he'll cut them out if he hasn't already. Maybe an intervention with you, her friends and anyone else she respects. Layout everything that has gone wrong since they got together. Ask her where she thinks his life is headed as a jobless/minimum wage stoner.



I'm sorry you're going through this.. man that sucks.

Ann - posted on 11/08/2009

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It's so hard, when they're in love, they don't see any faults at all...You just pray for the best for now, hopefully she wakes up in time, or you eventually see what she sees in him...

Been there, done that. Mine broke up with a good one, now with one many years younger...yikes.

Ellie - posted on 11/08/2009

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I too, was that girl in my teens. I was 16 and met the Canadian man as he was 24. My Mom and Dad were livid about my seeing him as he was 8 years older. Terrible things happened to me and no matter what they said, I continued to sneak to meet with him at anywhere and anytime I could. He hardly ever worked, there was heartache with him and drugs, other girls and 4 years later there was a baby. That's when I finally woke up to the fact that it didn't matter to him if there was food, milk, diapers and my Motherly instinct took over and I left him forever. He was deported and never allowed in the United States again for his shinanagans illegal ones. To note: also he never paid support or was I allowed to pursue it as he was deported before I was able to get a support order served onto him always on the run. He never tried to see his son although he could have. The moral is of this story, Canadian, American, it doesn't matter if you are a bad apple you are a bad apple. His life was that he married an American girl to get back into the States and he did. His marriage dissolved and there was talk that it was because his wife cheated on him. I was a shy, overweight, over sheltered little girl who met a fast moving man and insisted that I be with him. I only woke up to his hurting me when my baby became involved. Parents are not to blame that they cannot keep a man from their teens. The hindsight is that they should have developed kids that had confidence to whom they were maybe, but they never really did anything wrong and I had to learn why I should not be involved with someone 8 years older myself. I missed all my junior and senior year events as he would never attend. I lost friends by being involved with someone I was forbidden to see and that would not allow me to be me. Good luck and have faith that her eyes will see soon.

User - posted on 11/08/2009

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I dont want to sound critical at all, but after reading your post if you step back do you think perhaps you are being overly critical of this boy. I work with young people and see alot of this. This young boy not quite a man is probably finding his way also, your daughter as well, first major love and all that. Kids get stoned, I would be concerned if he pushed it on her, while we like to think we have our childrens best intentions at heart sometimes we dont realise we are dominating and controlling them also. perhaps the best thing to do like other ppl have suggested is get to know him, not just what you knw of him. What are his goals, dreams how was he raised, what connections does he have with his family, listen to what he says, but most of all let your daughter live her life and make some decisions, if they prove to be hard ones or ones you dont approve of bite your tongue you want her to know she can come to you when she needs you. She doesnt want to hear I told you so. All relationships make us cry, and if she crys alot thats ok too, she will learn from all of this, remember this her path, let her walk her own truth. Accept him and you might find the whole thing becomes a bit old very quick.

Alease - posted on 11/08/2009

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Our daughter was also dating a boy that we disaproved of. Our soliton was to keep her so busy with other things that she didn't have much time for him. We also blocked all of his numbers so that he couldn't call her. After awhile she got of the tension it was causing her in her own house, that she dumped him. God answered our prayers and my husband got a job out of state and we moved. Now she is being more careful. We have to let our children make mistake, but you are right for stepping in when she has so much going for her and her future is at stake. She may be upset with you for awhile, but she will get over it. Mine dud!

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