time out question

Amber - posted on 01/19/2012

i have 2 children with another father before my husband and i got together. one of them can act out quite a bit, especially when i was pregnant with my third. my husband says he won't spank because they aren't his (the kids live with their dad but i have them over a lot) but he was wonderful when my son had a temper tantrum while i was pregnant with our youngest and he held him on his lap. the biggest thing i saw with this exchange between them was that he had him pinned on his lap leg across my son's legs to prevent kicking (it was a run around hitting, throwing, kicking fit) and held his arms to make his hug himself. husband told son he would let go when he calmed down. it took about 20 minutes total before my son was let go but he learned it meant business when he goes on time outs.



the thing that my husband used to calm him sown was to keep him safe from hurting himself or others and told him as he calmed down he would let go. as he calmed down hubby released slightly, when he was completely calm he gave him a hug and went to play. (i was 7 or 8 months pregnant and i had to carry him up a flight of stairs and wasn't feeling too hot and was in the mood to attack so handed son over before i did something stupid since i was angry and won't punish angry)

Kelina - posted on 12/26/2011

thanks everyone, now I just have to figure out a way to tell her all this so she understands.

Sally - posted on 12/26/2011

If she's tolerating a "normal" timeout, it's just a sit in the corner for two minutes. If she's fighting it, she gets held until she calms down and we talk it over. If she's having a full tantrum that can take up to half an hour. She has left bruises on me during some of the really good tantrums. I'll admit I've smacked her a few times for that, but I try hard not to because it almost always just makes the tantrum worse.

I can understand your confusion. My first child was the most amazingly docile toddler. She actually listened and obeyed her parents. I thought raising kids was a breeze. My second is a classic teriible two and she has really knocked me for a loop. My biggest goal is to keep her alive until she's big enough to control herself. :)

Kelina - posted on 12/26/2011

Thank you! So I had put in that he is two but due to stupid computer issues, it decided to refresh the page And I didn't realize it hadn't posted sorry. Just out of curiosity how long did it take until they stopped fighting? or did you just do the two minutes?

Sally - posted on 12/26/2011

Of course they are going to fight or cry. Wouldn't you?! I certainly would. No one likes being restrained and it's even harder when you're trying to develop your independence in a world where everyone else is your boss.
Of course you talk to them and try to soothe them. Don't expect any of it to get through until after the fit, but then you can explain to them how to tell what they are feeling and how to express those feelings in a socially acceptable way.
I don't know how old the child in question is, but at toddler sizes, discipline should be more about keeeping them and their surroundings safe than about "controlling" them. Tantrums are not so much misbehaving as loosing control of yourself. Even adults have them sometimes. We've just learned socially acceptable ways of expressing it.
It shouldn't be about forcing a child to conform to behaviors that they are not yet physically capable of managing on their own. It's about helping them not break stuff until they develop the control to express their feelings in socially acceptable ways. Depending on the will-power and activity level of the child, learning that control can take years. Allegedly, it works better and faster if the caregivers are consistent. but I've never met a mom perfect enough to make that happen. For me consistency (and patience) are a lot easier with witnesses, but that's not always possible either. :)
Good luck

Kelina - posted on 12/25/2011

Sally, Natalie, How did you handle time outs? I've tried telling her the put things on time out and I'm not sure if she's using that at home however when out especially at a play group it's a little harder. My real question is how do you put a child on time out on your lap? are they allowed to fight you or cry? or do you restrain them until they calm down? What about crying? do you wait until they stop before acknowledging them? Or is it ok to talk to them while they're crying? (or in his case freaking out big time) Personally I think a few days at my house and he;d start to understand discipline anymore, but I think part of the problem is she's too nice. So I don't really know how to communicate to her that she's not helping him by doing that? because of course you know as soon as you tell any parent that they're doing something wrong or badly no matter how nicely you communicate it they shut down. So I'm trying to come up with new ways that fit into her parenting style a little more, but still help her discipline. I just don't understand the method of holding during time out because I never did it.

Pamela - posted on 12/25/2011

You didn't say how old the child is. That makes a big difference. After all, we are creatures of habit and once we form a habit that gets a certain reaction that gets us what we want, we tend to repeat it over and over again.

So many parents today have allowed their children "free reign" without any form of discipline it's not unusual to see such misbehavior.

When out in public (like at a restaurant, etc.) removing the child from the company of others...to the car, to the restroom, outside. etc. and not returning until the child calms down may be the best answer.

If the child is stubborn and refuses to calm down, then returning home....even if it means the family misses out on something they want, may be the only way to correct what should have been corrected way back in the past.

The saying when I was a child was "Spare the rod, spoil the child". I don't believe in physically hitting children as was done to me as a child, but I do believe in disciplining children from age one forward. It's called domestication....making the child responsible for their actions in the presence of others.

Sally - posted on 12/24/2011

How old is he? He sounds to me like a normal 2 year old. Mine works better if the thing she wasn't supposed to be touching goes in time out. Things are much easier to control than toddlers. :)
Tantrums, unfortunately, have to be handled physically so she doesn't hurt herself. Luckily, I'm strong and flexible enough to pin every limb without hurting any of them until she calms down. Then we can try to talk about it, but I don't think much will get through for a couple more years at least.
Good luck

Natalie - posted on 12/24/2011

Sounds to me like he may just be very strong willed. My daughter was the same way. I actually had to restrain her. She is 17 now and though she veered off course for awhile she is fine now, though still head strong. Knows what's she wants and doesn't like to compromise her principles. Just be consistent.

Kelina - posted on 12/24/2011

WE recommended it, And I think she said they'd come out and not found anything. That's why I'm wondering about maybe some disorders that can't be diagnosed until later? We have friends with two little boys with autism and they swing so wildly, being perfectly fine one minute and then something sets them off and it's a complete meltdown and that's what I've noticed with her little boy. But other days he's just like any normal two year old. And the chair doesn't work. That's why it's so hard for her to give him a time out when she's out, it's like a complete meltdown by an autistic child. It's like nothing gets through to him. Not like he's ignoring her but like he simply can't process it. Rarely can she redirect him, he's incredibly one track mind, and he;s completely indifferent to the things that would make most kids freak! Like one day we were at the park. He didn't want to leave, so I said ok, goodbye! and we walked away. Now every other child I've ever seent his tried on it worked like a charm. We actually walked up and left the park and he didn't look up once. Totally didn't care. My kids have a meltdown as soon as they see me leaving which is what I would expect to be a normal reaction. Or at least looking up to try and call our bluff. Nope nothing. The scary part is they also have a 6 months old. She can't put him down because she's afraid that her older boy will do something to him. I'm somewhat sure she said that she had him evaluated and everything was normal which is why I'm so confused. And why I'm trying to help her with other ways of discipline. Since she's way more i guess attachment parenting than I am, I thought maybe the technique of holiding him during time outs would sewrve her better an fit in more with her method of parenting, especially considering the way he reacts when she puts him on time out. I should also add that when she does put him on time out and he has a meltdown, he doesn't stop when she goes to get him like most kids. It takes her a long time to wind him down and usually it's one thing not that she says but something he'll see or feel that just stops it in it's tracks. Again, something that reminds me of autism.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/24/2011

Sometimes certain techniques don't work the same for every child. It sounds like she needs to find another route of discipline. Has she ever had him evaluated?

Sherri - posted on 12/23/2011

You place him in time out in a certain spot or chair. If he gets up she goes and gets him and places him back in time out and resets the timer. Even if he gets up 100x's you go and retrieve him and place him back in time out with no communication or eye contact. He will realize at this point she means business. Obviously when she first places him in time out she gets on his level and explains why he is being placed in time out and then leaves him to do his time out for 1 min per year of age.

When he finally completes his time in time out she gets back on his level explains again why he was placed in time out. She then asks for an apology and once given gives hugs and kisses and time out is over.

Anna - posted on 12/23/2011

basically love and logic is correcting self consequences. Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green one? put your jacket on it is cold. child No. parent I know I will be cold so I will put my jacket on. Child i am sooo cold. parent glad I put my coat on. drop it and move on.

Anna - posted on 12/23/2011

I love some of the things love and logic have to offer. As with any self help book take what you need. I do love and logic in the classroom as well.

Anna - posted on 12/23/2011

my suggestion is put the area in time out. I am sorry this area is helping you make good choices you need to stay away for awhile.

Kelina - posted on 12/22/2011

lol I guess I should add we live in canada. i wonder if there's a similar course here

Becky - posted on 12/22/2011

I would highly recommend she take a Love and Logic Course. It worked awesome of us. The use of timers helped our son too. I wish I could help more.