time outs

Sabrina - posted on 02/16/2010 ( 126 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 16 months..im starting to do times out with her but she crys in her time out spot should i still get her after her time out or wait till she is done crying to start her time out time

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LeeSa - posted on 03/06/2010

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Crying in the time out spot is not only okay, it's pretty much a given. I let my son cry on his way to and while in his time-out spot (1 minute per year-old; so he's 2yrs old, so he stays in his time-out spot for 2 minutes). Once his time is up (2 minutes) I go and get him and hold him and kiss him and explain why he was there (again - theoretically, they should already know becuz you warn them before they do the "offense" that gets them there, right?). Mostly my son cries becuz he feels separated from me and my love, plus he doesn't want to stay there, but once I get him and hold him and explain, the tears dry up and he's moving on to the next thing. Consistency is key! Hang in there! Good luck!

Deanna - posted on 03/05/2010

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skip the bum swats and firmly state.. If you do not stop now you will go to your room. I assure you for the first several times she won't stop. It's called testing. IF she doesn't stop put her in her room and tell her why she is being put there. 1 minute per age. When time is served explain again why they were there and ask for an apology and then hugs and kisses its over. IF you have to start time out over DO NOT TALK!!! Just put them silently back on the time out spot. IF it takes hours it takes hours. AS SOON AS the 1 minute per age is served it is over.

Deanna - posted on 03/05/2010

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1 minute per year. You explain when you are putting them in time out and until they do that amount of time they sit. When the time is served explain again why they were there and ask for an apology. then give a hug when the say they are sorry and I love you and move on. IF they do not want to apologize the time out starts over.

Jacqueline - posted on 03/05/2010

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Ultimately as Mother's we need to do what we feel is best and appropriate for the behaviour - speak to your doctor and local health nurses if comments made here have made you feel uneasy or a bad Mum.



Children do still have tantrums at 6 & 7, it is not as frequent but it is not uncommon either - read literature available from the health nurses and make your own decisions.



It is not uncommon for a child to not do the (supposed) 2 yr old tantrums but to start them at 3-5 yrs either (how do I know - I have 2 little boys who did and are doing that) and I've been advised this is well within the norm.



lots of times frustration is the real problem because their language is not as developed (or they have a language disorder as my son does) it is often a very fine line.



I was told I was a bad Mum for putting my screaming 8mth old into his cot and just leaving him to calm down when he was that age - funnily they've now found he has 'SPD' Sensory Processing Disorders - and yes what I did was all I knew to do and it worked because he needed to be removed from the overload of the every day household noises and outside sun and bright lights - so what I did was Ok and I no longer need to beat myself up about it - but, I have only know that for less than 2 years. (and for all those ready and willing to have a go at me - I did not leave him alone but I did have to stay out of the room.)



I personally believe that each situtation is different and if you feel uneasy about it ask your local professionals what they can suggest and what would be best in your situation - make notes about when the tantrums (meltdowns) occur as going over this after a 2 week to 1 month period might just open your eyes to something that is happening ie: time of day, same situation and you can learn to change it.



I use this book 'the no-cry discipline solution" by elizabeth Pantley - my SPD son thing don't always work for but we have different solutions in place there but with my 4yr old and in general - I'm loving this book - www.pantley.com/elizabeth is the web address on the back of the book - I have not looked that up though. Published by McGraw Hill

Felicity - posted on 03/05/2010

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I have 40 years' experience in working with very young children. Before you
do any more timeouts with this too-young child, please read what I consider
the very best parenting skills author in the world; Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline. She's got a version for 0 - 3 year olds. It will change your parenting life overnight,
and your child will be thanking you for the rest of yours. My daughter's using it
with her 4 year old son, and he is the happiest, nicest, problem-free child I've known
yet. Jane Nelson teaches you how to respond to your child in ways that honor her age, needs, abilities, etc., while creating a calm, kind peaceful environment for her
to grow and become an increasingly responsible, thoughtful person. You will not be disappointed. Also sign up for articles and emails at positive discipline dot com Tons of great info there, as well.

Ellen - posted on 03/05/2010

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She's way to young for time outs. Under 2 yrs kids are looking for attention and reassurance.

Julie - posted on 03/05/2010

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The crying is part of her wanting to get her own way and get your attention. The time starts when she sits quietly and then whenthe time is over tell it was good for her to sit and think quietly. It will take a few times but hang in there. I have 7 children and it does work.

Jennifer - posted on 03/05/2010

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I have read a few books and most suggest timeouts are left till 24 months as children before this age are much too young to understand timeout and usually just feel abandoned by you. Worth a thought.

Wendy - posted on 03/05/2010

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I had a very wise pediatrician (13 kids!) who told me to be sure the time-out spot was in a place that was boring - like don't send them to their room and let them play with their toys, and try not to pick a spot that they might associate with bad feelings so they don't want to be there - like their room. He suggested a chair in the middle of a room. My son has a door mat they call the "naughty mat" that they can move around to wherever works best since they have a small house and can't send a crying child in where someone else is napping, etc. Anyway, he said do one minute per year of age, then when their time is up, ask them why they are there and discuss ways to act or things to do that would have been a better choice, give them a hug and tell them you love them and send them off to play or whatever. It worked great for us. He also told us to expect that kids would be more difficult as they tested their boundaries, usually every other year. Then when they became comfortable with what they were, there would be a year of more calm, then the cycle would start again as they grew and challenged those boundaries. I found that really helpful to realize it was a developmental thing. Just don't ever do the time-out in anger. The kid needs to understand that YOU are not doing anything TO them, just enforcing rules or standards and their choices are what puts them there. As they grow, they understand that they have more control of what happens to them. It helps!

Suzanne - posted on 03/05/2010

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I feel that 16 months is way too early to do time outs. With all four of my kids, I would redirect bad behavior. If they were throwing a temper tantrum, I would simply leave the room and let them cry it out. If it was doing something that they should not be doing, I would explain to them that that is not acceptable and get them to do something else. I realize that this may take more time, but it is worth it in the long run. And kids understand when you talk to them about what they can and can't do. My grandson is now 16 and has never had a timeout in his life. He is a typical teenager but he does listen when we talk to him and his behavior is wonderful. Time outs are over rated.

Shauna - posted on 03/05/2010

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After her minute and half is over, get her out of time out. Her crying is just a reaction to her discipline. She doesn't like it... that's a good thing! lol Don't punish her more for her crying when it's only a reaction. If she gets into screaming fits, ignore it. everytime. She will learn that it doesnt' give her the attention she wants and will soon stop. Worked perfectly for my daughter, who is now 28 months.

Jessica - posted on 03/05/2010

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Distraction is the best cure for crying. I don't think that timeouts for a pre-verbal child are very effective.

[deleted account]

I would do a mild form where you pull her away from what she is doing and say NO. Then sit with her for 1 min in a corner. Give hugs when the time is up.

Patricia - posted on 03/05/2010

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My opinion is as long as they stay in the time out spot for the time 1 minute per year its fine if they cry. However my sister tells her girls to get control of themselves and that time out will start when they are quiet. I guess its all in your personal preference.Both are effective. Good luck!

Deborah - posted on 03/05/2010

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Im not saying I didn't discipline at times. As they get older that changes as needed. eg Riding without a helmet after 3 warnings meant no bike for a week. Clear information, clear reasons why then accountability for not doing something that was imposed for good reason. I'm saying re teenagers is if you have a good relationship and clear boundaries you have based on mutal respect and discussed over time means as in the above example its a no contest. You give adequate and reasonable warning, you give them a chance or two and then you impose a fair penalty. Worked for me and of course just another opinion. Sorry I've moved away from time outs for babies.

Angela - posted on 03/05/2010

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The things you are suggesting are great and when my children were little that is what I did. But time out is use when the no's do not work, the explaining doesn't work. And if the child is sleep then let them take a nap. If they are hungry feed them. Time out should only be used when no's, that hot,and that will hurt doesn't work. All three of my daughters have went thru about ever stage possible due to they are very different. And all three make good grades, win awards. But teenagers are just that teenagers, time out doesn't affect the teenages years nor the love and affection you give them.

Deborah - posted on 03/05/2010

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Seems like two schools of thought. Probably as long as you are consistent either will work in the long run as long as you avoid the manipulative behaviour that some advocate.......but essentially time outs are lazy in my opinion..............and I think time outs are ridiculous for a child that age. Positive and enthusiastic feedback for good behaviour , quick negative verbal feedback followed by distraction for something that you don't wish to continue. You need sometimes to do the swift sharp NO! Safety , hurting someone etc. As I said I strongly suggest you totally avoid manipulative language like you hurt our feelings when you did that as suggesed by someone! Also you say sorry if you have been out of line and they will model themselves on you in time. Never force a child to say sorry its so manipulative I think.

Take the time to listen and pre empt bad behaviour by ensuring you know your child, so if they are hungry, tired and grumpy you can meet those needs early by whatever is appropriate. If you are tired, hungry or grumpy make sure you have time out to avoid escalating the situation. Best way is to read books to your little one , jump into the bath together, go for a walk, build a castle out of blocks and knock it down, something that initiates them thinking. Do this and you will reap the rewards so much the faster and feel better yourself to boot. Time out is lazy and trains the child to behave but other strategies will build a positive happy loving child who simply will be as good as child can be. Children are meant to test and push boundaries and learn in a loving environment. As some one suggested talk and explain in language appropriate words that arent loaded with heavy guilt trips. Seriously do this and you wont have any trouble when they hit their teens, you build a strong healthy relationship built on respect.

Angela - posted on 03/05/2010

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No do not hold her once her time out is done. It will take about a month for her to understand what is going on. Once her minute is over let out of her time out spot. Explain to her if she doesn't something wrong this is where she has to go

Nadia - posted on 03/05/2010

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My little one is almost 3, and i am batteling with her temper tantrums. If we tell her no she will like through herself down on the ground and screem. We normally will give her one or two pats on the bum and take her to her room, and tell her to finish what she is doing there and then she can came out. I must say after 4 minuts or so it gets very quite in her room then she will come out and we will explain to her then why we have send her to her room. Is this the correct manner I am handeling her, or is there maybe other suggestions? Thanks

Janet - posted on 03/04/2010

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Remember the word discipline primarily means teaching. I'm not advocating that you never ever correct small children. I'm just saying Time-out is potent punishment that should be used carefully. If used with babies, the parent should stay with the child.
And you should notice that Japanese children are not punished for anything and allowed to do almost anything they please until they're 7 or 8. German children are punished strictly practically from birth.
Compare the 3 nations Japan, Germany and the US. Now which has the largest prison population? Which has the largest rate of violent crime (per capita)?
Maybe punishing small children has nothing to do with the crime rate?

Heather - posted on 03/04/2010

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Hmm I do not think time out is a potent punishment. It is no where near compariosn to Jail or prison. If time out was a bad thing than why to doctors and books recomede it. Todays society people are not allowed to give there children disapline. U are not allowed to spank. Corner time is bad. taking things away is DEPRIVING. So what elese is there to use for consequence's n ow if people try to say TIME OUTS are corpral punishment as well. We will havea world filled with un educated and disrespectful children. Who care nothing for authority..Hmm have u seen the rise in inmates in the juvinile jail regular jail and prison. Hmm cause no one is allowed to give there children disapline anymore.This is a problem. Then people complain cause taxes payers have to support them....So which is it Time out or No time out...Take things or not take things.It is the parents who can make the choice to disapline or not..Good luck.

Janet - posted on 03/02/2010

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Time-Out is a potent punishment. That's why solitary confinement (Time-Out for felons) is used only for the worst of the worst anti-social criminal behavior in prison.
Is your 16-month old doing anything that bad?
What exactly is the nature of Time-Out punishment? It's intended to deprive the child of time spent being with others. Because very young children value time spent with others more than nearly anything else. A young child alone is potentially a meal for wild animals.
Don't kid yourself, Time-Out is traumatic if the child is alone. It's far more traumatic for toddlers than for older children.
If you choose to use it, use it sparingly with full awareness that you are inflicting the worst possible punishment on your baby if you leave her in Time-Out alone. But if you sit with her, it's a whole different story.
Read some of the links that other moms have posted. There's good information here.

Heather - posted on 03/02/2010

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Another note...At this age extr Minutes should NOT be added. as long as she is in the time out spot for the length of time required. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS. Once 5 or 6 years of age. Then you can added another min. No more than 2 extra min. If the time was unsuccess full take a privlage and be done with it.

Heather - posted on 03/02/2010

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Her time out should be 2 min..It is one min per age. If she gets up u put her back in time out..I used a timer and when they hear the beep they are allowed to get up. Often times parents are confused of what to do when there child is crying. this is how children learn to get what they want. If you take her out of time out because she is crying then she will elarn that all she has to do is scream cry and hollar. You ignor there behavior while in time out. Except if the need to be put back. Make sure it is the same spot all the time( a boring spot, away from Tv or others in the house.but close enough so u can see on the corner of your eye). Ask taht everyone else pays no attention. And that spot is only used for time out. Use the same stool or chair as well. this will teach them. Eventualy u will not have to say a word. They will know when u pull the Stoll or chair out. Soon they will learn and then u can work on the unsettleness in time out. That comes with age and Work. Always let them know after they are done that you love them. and what u expect. Reward her with a sticker for doing time out well. Never use there room as you time out, Not at this age. there room should be for sleep and play not punishment. if you punish them to a room they will associate BAD with it. then u have sleep problems among other issues. And as always ask your pediatrician about advise on what to do as well. Good luck hope this was helpfull for you.

Janet - posted on 02/23/2010

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Oh yay! Only 2 choices. Time-out vs. Doing absolutely nothing. But of course there are more options than that. "Discipline" involves teaching more than punishing.

Janet - posted on 02/23/2010

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Oh yay! Only 2 choices. Time-out vs. Doing absolutely nothing. But of course there are more options than that. "Discipline" involves teaching more than punishing.

Kelsie - posted on 02/22/2010

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I have heard of parents doing either. My husband and I place our son in time out for however many minutes he is old. He will be two next week so we will put him in time out for two minutes. When the two minutes are done we sit with him and tell him why he was in time out and talk about how to avoid it in the future. I have a friend who tells her kids no, and if they start to cry (rahter than talk about why they are upset) she sends them to their room until they are ready to stop crying and talk about the problem. I think that when kinds are older hte second method works better, but for toddlers the first is a good one. It teached the lesson that even when you are upset you can still talk about your problems. I hope this helps! Good luck and stay strong!

Heather - posted on 02/22/2010

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saying time out is traumatizing is basically just saying we should let our kids do whatever they want! I have a 15 month old i put into time and he KNOWS what he supposed to do. i put him there to calm down for 2 minutes and it works. He stops crying and is happy right after! I refuse to just let him behave badly hit scream bite break things knock things over and have god awful temper tantrums without using discipline and time outs seem to work!

Janet - posted on 02/22/2010

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16 months is too little for time out. You're expecting too much from her.
She's barely figuring out that there are different people in the world and what they feel is different from what she feels. If she does something and she doesn't get hurt she doesn't know someone else feels hurt because of her actions.
She might be crying because at her age being separated from her mom can feel just like being abandoned forever. That's awfully frightening.
Get yourself a good book on childhood development and you'll understand more about her age and what appropriate expectations you should have.

Mary - posted on 02/22/2010

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Are you telling her that you don't want her to cry. Time out for the age your child is 1 minute the longest is 2 minutes. Make sure your telling her why she is in time out and help her with ideas as to what she could have done differently.

Joy! - posted on 02/22/2010

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What is a time out for?! To stop and think about your actions right? Is she doing that when she is crying and throwing a fit? No. Are you able to sit and do the time out with her. I did this with my kids at a young age and now they are 5 and 6 and have never cry in their time outs: I sit in the time out spot with them! Sound crazy? It works! When they do something wrong, "uh oh, lets go sit and think about that." Take them out of there situation and sit quietly with them. Then, after the appropriate time has passed, talk to them about what they did, ask them what they should have done and then have them say they are sorry. Soon, you will not have to sit with them every time, and they will use their time outs correctly.

Sharon - posted on 02/21/2010

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Some children are more naturally compliant than others. My 7 yr old has a really hard time controlling herself when she gets upset, yet my 3 yr old can get himself together really easily. There is no one size fits all method of discipline.

However, being consistent is very important. I probably started time outs with my little one at this age. Not as a form of discipline, rather to get him out of the way for a minute while I cleaned up whatever disaster he had caused. Now that he is 3 yrs old, he has to help me clean when it is safe to do so.

[deleted account]

16 months is a fine age to start time out. I would ignore the crying for now though. Learning to start controlling the temper is something to work on closer to 2.



I've never underestimated the intelligence or comprehension capabilities of my children and they've all understood time out well before 2.



Time out is traumatizing? Someone should inform my almost 2 year old son that since he puts himself in timeout when his sisters are in trouble..... ;)

Katherine - posted on 02/20/2010

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pick her up....and take her to a 'quiet area'....(I called it 'our special place')....and ask her WHY she is doing what she is doing.....you have to know WHY she is doing something negative before you can counter act it with any kind of behavorioral correction or all the time outs in the world wont do anything.






Umm if she is to young for a time out, then how is she going to explain WHY she did what she did???



Time is a minute and a half for a 16mo. And NO it's not too early. They start learning consequences at that age, they can manipulate. If she is doing something truly dangerous, she needs a time out.

Debbie - posted on 02/20/2010

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I did the old time tried and true thing..u let her know that if she cries and makes a fuss..she will sit there longer. My son learned to sit quietly and accept the punishment as given.

[deleted account]

When I posted, I wasn't thinking about your child's age. 16 months is WAY TOO YOUNG for timeout. They can't possibly do anything wrong at that age. At that age, just don't give attention for behavior that you don't like. But, punishing is truly ridiculous.

Angel - posted on 02/20/2010

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go to her at the end of time out.
I started time out with my kids as babies and they learned they had to stay there. my third one I had to sit in forever to make him stay but he did eventually. as long as they stay put let them scream if they want

[deleted account]

Sabrina, I might be sort of an "easy" mom, but what I always did was to send my boys on timeout and just told them that they can go off of timeout when they feel like they can be calmer or whatever the reason was that they were on timeout. I gave them the control of coming back out when they felt better. No time limits. It worked for me. My two boys are now 15 and 17 and I have had no major issues at all with them.

Indira - posted on 02/18/2010

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no give a treat atfer she got a time out...something she would love ........she will love time..

Sharon - posted on 02/18/2010

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I totally agree with Evelyn and many others who say that 16 months is way to young for time out. She's just learning, she needs love and reassurance not punishment at this young age.

Carla - posted on 02/18/2010

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My oldest cried when she was in her time out also, but I talked to her pediatrician and they said that it doesnt matter if they cry, they have to learn that whatever they did wrong is wrong and they willbe punished for it...let her cry, scream or whateve, as long as she doesnt beat her head against the wall, is ok

[deleted account]

Children outsmart their parents pretty quickly from what I've noticed with my four and generally understand how to be quiet at 16mo. If not, now is the time to teach them! Putting a child in time out and allowing them to cry and scream may be tolerable when at home alone, but when others are around or if you're at a public place, it does not work. Ultimately, you have to know your child and talk to your spouse (men are very aware when rebellion is involved) to figure out if they are upset or this is a power struggle. Sorta like when your child get hurt physically and you can hear when the cry switched from pain and being upset to the forced, fake cry...you know what I'm talking about. Either way, it is unacceptable and over time they should be trained to sit there quietly. That's my experience anyway! And pray,,,pray a lot. The Lord will give you insight into your child.

Cassie - posted on 02/17/2010

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It really depends on the child. Some 16 months old are more advanced than others. If your child understands that her crying isn't to be tolerated, then yes... you should wait until she's stops crying. If it's not something that you think she'll be able to understand fully, it'll just make her more annoyed and angry. Your call mom. Good luck.

Lois - posted on 02/17/2010

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16 months is very early for time-outs.I would not try that untill she is at least 3.I don't know that she understands why she is in a time out,or how to controle herself so that it dosen't happen again.

Francie - posted on 02/17/2010

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Hello Sabrina, I am a mom of 6 and I have 2 granddaughters. I also own a daycare. This is a very tough age, because this is when we become the bad mommy. let me share with you what we do in the daycare. We have a bottle. That has a big enough hole that she can get her a couple of her fingers in. Fill the bottle with colored pom poms and tell her when she get all the pompom out of the bottle to let you know. you can just let her drop them on the floor. then when she is done say can you pick these up and put them back in the bottle for mommy then you can get out of time out. this will help with the crying and in her mind she will understand when I am done I can get up. 1 more thing that can be used is big beads with holes in them and have her string them. Then put them back into the bucket.
Hope this helps. Good luck

Hayley - posted on 02/17/2010

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I agree with Amber, that is exactly what we do but ours is a naughty step, and this time its grandchildren, but 2years need the same routine no matter if its mum dad or nannie.

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