Time-outs are NOT working!!

Karen - posted on 10/22/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Ok, so what do you do when the time-outs don't work? My 2 year old son loves to throw things, which we want to discourage, but no matter how many time-outs he gets it just doesn't sink in that "throwing is bad". So what else do I do?

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Angela - posted on 10/25/2009

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many things can make the difference. first, and foremost, age. another big factor is WHERE he is put when he is in time out. my time out spot is in a corner of the living room where they cannot see tv, are not allowed to play with anything at all.....not even their shoelaces. kids can be entertained with any and everything. and they are not allowed to interact with anyone else in the room. depending on what is being thrown, perhaps ignoring the bad behavior all together will work better for him. as long as you praise good behavior.....praise, not reward.........and consistantly and completely ignore bad, eventually he should grow tired of it. he's seeking attention and by denying him what he wants he should move on. i'll warn you, though, ignoring a child when they are acting out is no easy task. lol. i've had to bite my tongue and sit on my hands at times. but i just pretend that i am blissfully engrossed in what is on tv or even the wall!! and never once do i look their way. it takes time, but it works.

Cindee - posted on 10/23/2009

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Give the time out but also take away something special. If he makes it through the rest of the day without throwing something he gets it back. If he throws again put him on time out again make him sit and think. Then take something else. I would suggest that you warn him which item will be taken away. Most children don't want their stuff messed with. The point is that his good behavior will be rewarded, by getting his stuff back.

Allie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Lisa:



Quoting Allie:

thats good...teach your kid to beat someone with pillows and such.. i have to disagree.






Oh, come on!   Are you seriously that much of a stick-in-the-mud?  You've never had a pillow fight?  LOL.  I see no problem having an enjoyable fun giggly pillow fight with my children.






Sorry...your inability to have a sense of humor in parenting makes me laugh.






no, thats fine. I do plenty of things with my children that are fun and playful. In this case i just have to disagree that a pillow fight would be the best solution. thats all. My son is a thrower as well, and if i were to have a pillow fight with him he would just throw those as well and be riled up that he would find anything and everything he could and throw it and ignore my telling him no. I dont think at only 2 years old you should be in a pillow fight though. It was just my opinion.





 

Minnie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Allie:

thats good...teach your kid to beat someone with pillows and such.. i have to disagree.



Oh, come on!   Are you seriously that much of a stick-in-the-mud?  You've never had a pillow fight?  LOL.  I see no problem having an enjoyable fun giggly pillow fight with my children.



Sorry...your inability to have a sense of humor in parenting makes me laugh.



 

Minnie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Quoting Allie:

thats good...teach your kid to beat someone with pillows and such.. i have to disagree.



Oh, come on!   Are you seriously that much of a stick-in-the-mud?  You've never had a pillow fight?  LOL.  I see no problem having an enjoyable fun giggly pillow fight with my children.



Sorry...your inability to have a sense of humor in parenting makes me laugh.



 

Allie - posted on 10/23/2009

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thats good...teach your kid to beat someone with pillows and such.. i have to disagree.

Minnie - posted on 10/23/2009

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It doesn't 'sink in' because it can't. He's not mature enough to control his impulses yet. He might understand that you don't want him to throw- but he still has an overpowering need to do that.



How about rather than punishing him (time outs really shouldn't be used for punishment but to calm a child who is a danger to himself or others) give him structured time where he CAN throw. Bring him outside or in another room and let him have at it with things that aren't breakable. What about balls that make funny noises when they hit the wall? Or light up? Have a pillow fight!



And when he does throw something that is in an area that you don't want him to throw, gently remind him that he can't throw things here, but tell him where and when he CAN. Really, at this age, its all repetition, redirection, and distraction. Make with the positive.

Allie - posted on 10/23/2009

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yes. i have an 18 month old and he throws EVERYTHING. You just have to be consistent with your time outs and dont give in. He will learn, it just wont be overnight.

Jackie - posted on 10/23/2009

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Karen,

When he throws. Give him two warnings and then tell him if he does it again you will take away one of his favorite toys or activities. You are going to have to take a more drastic step. Some kids just don't respond to time outs. My oldest never did. But, taking away something that meant a lot to him worked.

Barbara - posted on 10/23/2009

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Try setting aside time where he throws balls and things that is a game of throwing...where it's ok to throw. Make it fun...have him throw different things, besides balls, like crunch up some paper balls and show him how they don't go as far as the hard balls do when he throws them. The idea is to give him an outlet that's fun and safe to allow him to throw, explaining that that's the best/smart/fun way to throw things. I wouldn't emphasize or say anything when he's throwing in a destructive way...don't give it any attention at all. Just immediately pick up a ball and say "Oh...let's have fun throwing balls together."

[deleted account]

Every time he throws something, take it away. You may end up, as I did, with a huge box on top of the fridge of things that were taken away. At 2 he's old enough to understand that what he's doing is wrong. And yes, for deliberate defiance, I do spank, gently but firmly.

Another thing that I did that made a HUGE impression on my daughter at that age: We were at a birthday party and she doing her refusal to share anything, screaming and crying whenever someone else wanted to play with one of the like 5 million balls there. I took her aside and told her, if you do that again, we are leaving. She was good for about 5 minutes and then did it again, and I said, Ok, we're out. And we left. She was absolutely devastated, she cried almost all the way home before she conked out fast asleep. But I have only ever had to threaten to leave since then - she knows I will follow through on what I say even to the extreme. It takes a long time to teach them that, don't give up! You are doing an important job teaching him to control his impulses now, keep up the consistency and he WILL get it eventually.

Catch him in the act of doing what you like, for example when you see him pick up something and choose NOT to throw it, i.e. he picks it up, draws back to throw and then thinks better of it - jump in IMMEDIATELY with praise. Offer a small reward, something, anything that he likes, with the explanation that you know it's tempting to throw but you are SO PROUD that he decided not to. I did that with m&m's when my daughter was having troubles with her baby brother, and wow did it work. I kept them in a screw top container in the cabinet, and when I saw her do something nice for the baby, like hand him a toy, I would grab one, walk over to her, and tell her how happy it made me that she was being such a good big sister and sharing. The first time I handed her an m&m for doing that, her eyes got about as wide as dinner plates. She doesn't get a chocolate every time, but she always gets praise for being such a big girl.

Kasandra - posted on 10/23/2009

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i have a 3 year old daughter, and my husband and i decided instead of all punishments she needed rewards for good behavior, so make him a chart, that when he listens to you or daddy, and doesnt have to go to time out, he gets a sticker or something, and then gets some kind of treat, like candy or something he see's as special, and when you introduce it to him make it really exciting. I started that with my daughter when she was 2 and it worked wonders, then when she was doing something she shouldnt be, or about to throw a fit, i gave her a warning that she would loose her star and not get a treat... and that works

Christy - posted on 10/23/2009

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My experience is time outs work if you are consistent. If you threaten time outs with no follow through usually when you do follow through there not as effective. I give a warning and then it's time out...with follow through every time. Kids hate being confined and one minute to a 2 year old can feel like an eternity. If it absolutely doesn't work for you I would try some sort of re-directing of his behavior to focus on positive things and rewards for 'listening' or 'not throwing toys' etc.. usually kids respond better to positivity than to always being punished..hope this helps!

Colleen - posted on 10/23/2009

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Hello,



We didn't have this problem with our child,but my mom did with me when I was little. I would throw whatever was in my hands and if it was a toy she would take it away and say since you aren't treating your toys nicely I'm going to put it up. She then put it on top of the frigde and it was a while before I got it back. Granted this was during a temper tantrum. If he is doing it to explore what happens when you throw things try taking him outside with toys that are good things to be thrown. Also explain to him that if he throws things it could hurt someone or break something in the house and that wouldn't be nice. Hope this helps.

User - posted on 10/22/2009

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Lydia has a good point that the punishment goes along with what he is doing at the time... I work in a day care where things get thrown a lot. However, every child is different. With one I have to explain it out why we can't throw toys inside only outside, or another one who just wants attention I take the toy away and tell them that's not how we treat our toys if we want to play with them, then I get a toy and say would you like to play with this toy and I will play with you? Read your child's cues what is setting it off? Is it for the attention, testing boundaries is HUGE at the age of two... consistency is key. Good Luck!

Jen - posted on 10/22/2009

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How old is your son? He may not understand that "time-out" is a punishment. I don't agree with spanking a child for everything i prefer time-outs. however, with my niece, who is almost two, I had to swat her on the butt JUST ONCE!, it was not very hard it didn't hurt or make her cry but it got her attention. and since it is time-outs and that is enough to hurt her feelings and that is all it takes. but at first she didn't understand time-outs either. So what I did was swat her butt, tell her that was not very nice and put her on the couch for a 5 min time-out. then gave her a hug and told her i loved her and she listens sooo welll!!! if is not minding it is just "time for a time-out" and i put her on the couch and that is that.



I hope you figure something out that works for you and your son.

[deleted account]

We couldn't do anything for the life of us when it came to time-outs either. Then we were introduced to a technic called 1-2-3 magic. you should look into it. It does work wonders.

Lydia - posted on 10/22/2009

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What is he throwing? If her is throwing his toys about then you can warn him that if he throws it it goes - and if he throws it then make sure it goes! Even if it only goes into an out of reach cupboard for a couple of weeks before winding its way back into the toy box...

Coral - posted on 10/22/2009

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I don't use time-outs for punishment instead I use time-outs when I see the kids getting to wound up. When your son begins to throw things is he in the middle of play time or is it later in the day when he's tired. Is it before or after his naps. This may be a sign of wanting your attention. Study him. If it is flat out rebellion a swat on the rear end and a firm voice correcting him will do it. If it's just plain sillyness you have to show him a different way to be silly. Always give him a firm no when he throws things. A time out may be appropriate before he gets out of hand but it won't work after. It's too late. Try to catch the behavior before it happens.

Jen - posted on 10/22/2009

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How old is your son? He may not understand that "time-out" is a punishment. I don't agree with spanking a child for everything i prefer time-outs. however, with my niece, who is almost two, I had to swat her on the butt JUST ONCE!, it was not very hard it didn't hurt or make her cry but it got her attention. and since it is time-outs and that is enough to hurt her feelings and that is all it takes. but at first she didn't understand time-outs either. So what I did was swat her butt, tell her that was not very nice and put her on the couch for a 5 min time-out. then gave her a hug and told her i loved her and she listens sooo welll!!! if is not minding it is just "time for a time-out" and i put her on the couch and that is that.



I hope you figure something out that works for you and your son.

Jessica - posted on 10/22/2009

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my opinion.. keep putting them back in time out and walk away. They grow out of the "throwing" stage.

Jessica - posted on 10/22/2009

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my opinion.. keep putting them back in time out and walk away. They grow out of the "throwing" stage.

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