tough decision!!!

Kerrie - posted on 02/06/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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ok here goes.me and my partner have been together 5 years and have a happy relationship, we struggle financially but who doesnt, however we have everything we need......my daughter just turned 3. when i had her i told my partner i would like to start trying for another baby once she turned 3. nothing much was said back then but about 6 months ago i mentioned again that i would like to start trying for another baby in the new year. he said (in what i thought was a joke) that he didnt know if he wanted another baby, but was not prepared to discuss it at that time. i tried to bring up the subject most months but he would never discuss it. anyway the time came when i had to have my implant removed as the 3 years were up. when he collected me i said that i had condoms incase he was being serious about no more babies. his reply was well we wont be needing them will we?....this shocked me as i was starting to worry he was being serious about not having another baby. so i just decided to go with the flow...he is not a good talker at all about these sort of things....so we had been having unprotected sex for 1 month, he knew i had condoms but didnt use them, so i thought ok he must have changed his mind we are trying for a baby......so we were just having a chat and i mentioned the fact that if/when a new baby came along we would have to move the house around, to which he said again he doesnt think he wants another baby.....well this blew my world apart but he refused to discuss it anymore, so silly as it sounds i wrote him a very honest letter explaining just how it made me feel and how much he was expecting me to sacrifice.....he read the letter and then refused to speak about it for 3 days.......last night we had the dreaded discussion and he is saying he doesnt know if he wants another baby because we are struggling financially already...as i said before who isnt......i then asked so its a no then???? he said he wanted to see if our situation changes but doesnt want one after turning 40...this is next year for him!!!!
i am feeling totally heartbroken and he is acting like nothing has happened........i am now stuck!!!!
i love him and i have worked hard to keep our family together. i would also hate to split my daughters world apart by leaving. however i dont know if at 30 years old i am ready to never have a child again. i also know my daughter would love a brother or sister. i never wanted her to be an only child.
am i being selfish and unfair?
i need advice please

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Shawnn - posted on 02/06/2013

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I agree with Dove, with one addition. If you are currently struggling financially, it is selfish of you to want to bring another child into that situation. Your comment of "we're struggling...who isn't"...well, I'll admit that we struggled financially with our first child, but DID NOT struggle with the second, as we waited until we were more stable. So...who isn't financially struggling while trying to raise children...I have to say those people who make a conscious choice to NOT have that 2nd baby until they are more stable...Those people fit in the "isn't struggling" category.

Your partner has actually stated a very valid concern. You are already in financial difficulty with one child, and you want to add a $10,000 (or higher) hospital bill, and all of the expenses of a newborn, and he is not comfortable with that level of debt. Smart man, actually.

See a counselor. Get your budget straight. When you can honestly say that you can support a second child without a large struggle, THEN is the time to consider having a second. Not while you're financially strapped to begin with.

Now, I also think that you should have had a more in depth discussion of this well before that 3 year "goal" that you set for yourself. Because, with what you've related here, you didn't really have that second baby discussion...you just told him that you wanted another baby in around 3 years. He didn't actively agree then, so you shouldn't have automatically planned for it to be so, and allowed yourself to be disappointed when he expressed doubt. From the sounds of your post, YOU wanted baby #2, but he never did actually come out and say "OK, I'm on board for that".

Dove - posted on 02/06/2013

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You aren't being selfish and unfair for wanting another baby. You and your partner NEED to be on the same page about it though. If you are struggling financially... adding a baby to that will just make the struggle that much more. I do think if you would split the family up over this then THAT would be selfish. Would your daughter rather have a new sibling over her Daddy?

I'm sorry. Maybe you can get in touch with a counselor to help you work through these feelings... and ask your husband to go along with you, so that the two of you can talk it out and try to come up with a decision that satisfies everyone.

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Kerrie - posted on 02/06/2013

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again thank you shawnn
true again he didnt say yep lets do it, however i got condoms he chose not to mention them let alone ware one. invalid argument now anyway.
im the worker im the one that pays for everything, it would not be too much of a struggle as far as im concerned, but yes it is good that he is being responsible. even if the facts we both have are totally different.
im from the uk so we dont pay hospital etc but thats not the point i know
thank you for your opinion

Kerrie - posted on 02/06/2013

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thank you dove
im just trying to make sense of it all at mo so i appreciate others opinions.
i totally agree with your comment that me splitting the family up would be selfish but i am just worried that i will feel anger towards him for taking the decision away from me. so i guess i am being selfish really. its all very raw at the moment as i was under the impression we were going to have another.
i am shocked at his lack of caring in the way he has made me feel and the fact that he is acting like nothing has happened
thank you for your opinion it has made me think about things differently and i just hope in time my feelings will disappear

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