Unwanted Advice

Lacye - posted on 12/08/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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This is more of a rant than anything else but I'm going to let it out anyways.



So at the moment I am 32 weeks pregnant with my second child. For some reason, certain family members of mine see to think that what I plan on doing with my son is also their business. Allow me to give you a few examples:



1. My body has a funny shape. I have what is called a muffin top (top of my stomach sticks out farther than the bottom part). So when I wear my pants, the top part of my stomach sticks over the top of my pants. I have a certain family member that makes little snotty comments about how I'm abusing my unborn child by wearing clothes that are too tight. Now this person I have known her entire life. She is one of my sister's daughters. I have repeatedly told her that my pants are not tight, that it's just the way my body is. Yet she still seems to take it upon herself to inform me that I need to go buy one of those maternity things that stretch over the pants and stomach (I hate those things because they are SOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable and they always roll down on me).



2. Yes I know smoking is a bad habit but when I try to quit, I end up smoking more than I was before I stopped, so it's easier to smoke less than to quit for me. The same niece has gotten to where she calls my child a pygmy because I can't stop. Now as I said, smoking while pregnant is bad, but even my doctor told me that if I slow down (which I really have) then it will be safer for the baby than me trying to quit. I tried explaining this to my niece and she starts with a lecture. I end up having to walk away in order not to beat the hell out of her.



3. I have decided not to try to breastfeed this time around. I had tried with my daughter and I had to have gall bladder surgery not too long after my daughter was born and couldn't eat for 2 almost 3 weeks so my milk dried up. I am going to have my tubes tied this time around so once again, I'm going to have a surgery (I've been told it's not that bad but it still worries me because of my past experience with surgeries). Also, I'm worried about the pain medication they are going to give me afterwards and how that will affect my son. I know that doctors say it won't cause the baby any harm but I'm just not sure I want to trust that crap. Anyways, my niece (after hearing my decision) starts to, once again, jump on me because I don't feel comfortable with breastfeeding. She told me I'm being selfish and I need to get over myself and breastfeed my son.



So pretty much, it's mainly this one particular family member, although it has been some other ones in the past few months that have taken shots at me. I have been polite about the whole thing. I have told her that quite frankly it's none of her damn business. I have even gotten pretty nasty with her about it (me telling her to mind her own damn business was really quite nice compared to when I jumped her ass when she kept on). But it seems like she can't take a hint. She just keeps on and on! I have gotten to where I don't even go around her anymore unless we are at a family function and then she starts her crap again because she knows I don't like to cause a scene when we are at family functions (mostly because either one of my parents are there and they don't like to listen to bitching and yelling). So basically I'm just wondering what else can I do besides just not going to family functions. I don't want her to take away my time with my own family. Any advice for the nosey crazy bitch who can't take a hint?

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Angela - posted on 12/09/2012

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My children were breastfed - not out of any altruistic motherly reasons, but simply because:



a) I found it easier for myself than coping with formula feeding

b) It gave me a free hand so I could read a book whilst feeding my baby (gazing at your baby during feeding, whether by breast or bottle, is extremely boring!!)

c) I'd heard that breastfeeding could help get my weight down after giving birth.



I didn't have any problems with breastfeeding either. I was fortunate in that I managed. Now I appreciate that this isn't necessarily so for other mothers and they must make their own choices. But we now have what is known as "breastfeeding bullies" and also "formula pushers". It sounds like your niece belongs to the former group. No new mother should feel like she must bow to the wishes of a breastfeeding bully or a formula pusher. Your baby, your choice. Furthermore, it is a very personal choice - so totally inappropriate for your niece to bring this up at a family gathering.



Now the smoking - I would not openly smoke in front of your niece or any person likely to criticise or question your choice to smoke whilst pregnant. If you need a cigarette, then retire from the gathering and go elsewhere to smoke, you can do without the conflict.



Your abdominal shape - and the clothes you wear .... I would possibly disguise this if you can, just so she doesn't have this other weapon with which to attack you.



Good luck.

[deleted account]

If you have been up front with her about her advice not being wanted OR taken and she keeps on, then I would have to guess that she's only continuing to lecture you out of the sense of self-righteousness she gets from telling someone what they are doing is not right in her eyes. She does not care that YOU don't care about her opinion, it makes HER feel good to say it and probably gives her a sense of satisfaction to frustrate you over it. Honestly, if I were you I would not only ignore her attempts at creating an argument, but completely remove yourself from it physically. If you enjoy family functions other than this assault on your character then I certainly wouldn't let her be a reason not to go, and I also wouldn't let her be a reason not to enjoy yourself. I would "stonewall", so to speak, any and all attempts at drama. No response and no indication that you can even hear her speaking! And again, I would remove myself from her very presence the INSTANT she starts in. Not in a huffy, sulky way. Not sighing dramatically or throwing up your hands or stomping off. Just casually and nonchalantly, but immediately. For example, you're sitting around the living room visiting with the family and she brings up you smoking. Maybe you stand up and cheerfully say, "Oh yeah, I needed to tell so-and-so in the kitchen something!" And what's great about that, it doesn't have to be a lie...take the opportunity to go hug that relative and tell them in the spirit of the holidays how you're just so happy to have them in your life. If it happens when everyone is in one room, maybe you jump up and say, "Whew, this pregnancy bladder! I really need to go to the restroom!" Unless you come from a family where it's not considered polite to speak of going to the bathroom. Haha. Then, probably a bad example! But you get the idea. :) If you feel like you're making up untrue excuses and you don't feel right about that, don't say a word. Just get up cheerfully and nonchalantly and leave the room. Or if the situation is such that you feel that'd come off sulky no matter what, then as rude as it may seem (and maybe I'm wrong here) I would just turn to someone else and start a change of subject in the conversation. A lot depends on the nature of your family I guess. All of this is easier to do when it's a large family and lots going on at once, which is how my family functions are, so maybe it's easier for me to say than it would be for you to do. Whatever the case, I would try to find ways to silently and cordially show her you refuse to engage in this dance she does of trying to lecture and shame you.

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2012

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Haha, wow. Not sure how much less subtle you could be.......hang in there :) You're a strong woman. I don't blame you for the rant, though. If you wanted her advice you'd ask. I'm assuming she is a perfect mother (or thinks she is?). Any way you can give HER some unsolicited advice? Like taking the stick out of her arse?

Dove - posted on 12/08/2012

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Buy her a roll of duct tape for Christmas w/ a 'nice' little note about taping her mouth shut....

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[deleted account]

how about this?



"If you are that concerned about the baby's health and mine, here is my doctor's phone number and here is something that should aid you," then take yoru clothes off"



And no, i'm really not kidding. I have the same type of muffing top that you have. I realize it's rather bizarre advice but the Jehovah's Witnesses stopped coming to my door when I I answered it buck naked. At worst, just tell her to call your doctor and give her the phone number. Now if she'll call, she won't get diddle info because of HIPAA laws and the nurses will likely tell hre off.



Othewise, just give er a rap on the head Jethro Gibbs' style.

Lacye - posted on 12/09/2012

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Thanks for all the great advice everybody. :D I've just been really overwhelmed with this pregnancy. I don't remember my emotions being this bad with my first one and it just seems like the least little thing has been really getting to me more than it usually would.

[deleted account]

Ah, yes, thank you Angela!!! "Stonewall" was what I meant to say and blanked on the expression when I wrote it! Haha. Now I feel stupid and compelled to edit my previous post! :)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/09/2012

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OR (one of my favorite lines) you could say "Hey *insert name here* did you know that unsolicited advice is just plain criticism?" and once again just stand up and walk away. Don't get into a big screaming match with her, I am guessing that is what she wants. To make you feel bad and look bad. Don't fall for it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/09/2012

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Lacye, the only response you need to give is "mind your own business and stop criticizing me please" then...walk away.



As for BFing, do what you are comfortable with. But I will tell you this, if you are still smoking, it will reduce your milk supply and make it frustrating to breast feed at all. That is not a jab at BFing, or smoking. Just a point blank statement, pretty much agreeing with your decision.

Lacye - posted on 12/09/2012

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You are right, my sister is 15 years older than myself and I was about 4 when my niece was born. She does have 2 children of her own. Her oldest child is 4 months younger than my daughter and her second child just celebrated her 1st birthday. My sister won't say anything. I have talked to my sister before about her daughter's mouth and she never would do anything about it. She just defended her daughter by saying "Oh she's just trying to help." The only time my sister actually has taken up for me when it came to her children (she has 4) was a few years ago when I was defending myself after this particular niece and her older sister (another niece of mine) were criticizing me for not breastfeeding my daughter longer than what I did (I had gall bladder surgery that went terribly wrong, couldn't eat for 2 weeks and my milk had dried up, hence why I'm so worried about doing it this time!). My sister jumped both of them only because she saw I was about to leave because of their badgering.



I wish I could just talk to my niece about it, but I know the second I do, she will start yelling and make everything look like I'm to blame (she recently did this with another one of my niece's girlfriend). It will end up with me looking like an ass and her looking like a saint (she has a knack at doing this).



Thanks everybody for the tips! I guess when we have Christmas I'm just going to have to be bitchy and cause a scene. I don't think anything less than that is going to get through with this drama queen.

Angela - posted on 12/09/2012

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Do what MamaTo2 :) suggests - stonewall her - blank her.



If an important family occasion is coming up and you're worrying about one of her lectures in public, you could get hold of her in private earlier on and warn her off. It might be an idea to make a list of her own weaknesses too and remind her that no-one's perfect.



If she's your sister's child, why not ask your sister to have a word?



I'm assuming that if she has a couple of children herself, she must be pretty close in age to you? Nevertheless, you are her AUNT - she needs to show you some respect or leave you alone.



Good luck.

Lacye - posted on 12/08/2012

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Oh she thinks she is, but God forbid if you tell her what a monster her 3 year old is or how she doesn't spend enough time with her 1 year old. Then it's just WW3 and nobody will ever hear the end of it! lol

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