Updated post

TaraD - posted on 01/22/2013 ( 65 moms have responded )

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I was debating an abortion due to emotional circumstances I was going through I guess I would term it as haste thinking, in the end I chose to keep the baby but god had other plans and I ended up having a miscarriage, life throws you a lot of up and downs, we cry we laugh, we love. I love my two children I have and I love the baby I lost. Me and my ex are working through things with councelling and patience. I wish all the best to everyone and as long as there's sites like these to vent our emotions and get helpful guidance from strangers we will never be alone, so hopefully everyone can be positive about other people's lives :)

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Starr - posted on 01/22/2013

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Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out unexpectedly. Have you considered adoption. Since your against the idea of abortion explore adoption. Not sure how it works but if you didn't completely commit to the adoption (like signing all the legal jumbo) if you change your mind in the next few months you could still keep it.

My husband was adopted and had his mother not chosen this route our lives would be entirely different, we are grateful for what she had done. My husband does not have any issues or ill feelings about his birth mother. In fact they are now in contact (after both parties filled an inquiry) and her and her other children have become additions to our family. He loves his adoptive parents and birth mother. We also know several others adopted, they are very well rounded happy children & adults. They feel very privileged, they were chosen ones. My husband and his family make little jokes, he was the bought child.

Now I think that running off and leaving a child with an ex is an entirely different story.

Maybe you could talk to someone, just check it out no commitment no pressure. Just something to think about.

Shawnn - posted on 01/22/2013

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So, you're not fond of the idea of abortion, you're set that you can't possibly handle 3 kids and being single, and yet you don't want to either let the man who fathered the child raise it (as should be his right), and you don't want to give it up for adoption because you're afraid the child will have a complex about being adopted?

Just so you know, I've never known an adopted child to think that they were "not wanted". If anything, they feel MORE loved and wanted because their parents got to choose them.

Dove - posted on 01/23/2013

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Using all caps in the internet world IS yelling... and it's rude and annoying and a great way to get people to never take you seriously.... just a little FYI.


Hang in there TaraD... being a single mom of 3 isn't the end of the world. ;) Hard? Yes, but it IS doable.

Violet - posted on 02/04/2013

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Interesting how this is turning into a debate. Wow! such a controversial matter, abortion is. Is it right, wrong, are you prochoice, prolife? I think ultimately it doesn't matter. Some women have abortions and are totally at peace with that choice, some even have them over and over again and are still at peace with it. Honestly in my oppinion, Good for them. I would never wish on my worst enemy the emotional turmoil I went through when I had an abortion. At the time I also thought it was the right choice, It was way to easy and is to easy to get an abortion in my opinion. I should have been counseled more. They should have told me that some women have a VERY BAD emotional breakdown and are never the same again, Instead they told me I would probably feel relieved. Sure some or even most women are relieved, but I know I'm not the only one who had this reaction. And I don't like telling anyone what they should do or not do, but women should at least know that abortion can cause very bad problems that can end up being way worse then an unplanned pregnancy. I wish us women could come together and support each other without judgement. Just my two cents.

Susan - posted on 02/02/2013

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I had an abortion when I was 18. 20 years ago. I never forgot and will never forget. My child would have been grown up now. I think about this lost child almost every day. Yes I felt it was the right thing at the time, and at first I was relieved. But once the relief wears off, you realize what you lost. And when you look at your children as they grow, you realize over and over how much was lost. For many years I ached for that child, dreamed of that child, and felt deep grief. I can say now that the pain and tears are behind me, but the loss is always there. I would never, ever, ever do that again, and if I'd had an adult's perspective of what's important in life, I would have made a different decision. The short term of an unplanned baby is difficult, most definately! But it is short term. These tough years will pass and your child will bring you great joy for a lifetime. If you terminate a pregnancy, all the potential of who your child is and who he or she will become, all of that is gone forever. You can't change your mind once this is done.

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Jessica - posted on 02/25/2013

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I'm new here and a new mommy, is there an easy way to get my baby to sleep in her crib all night. I feel like a 3 month old should be sleeping along.

TaraD - posted on 02/25/2013

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Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts and prayers. I'm not sure how to update my post so that everyone is aware that I had a miscarriage, I found it extremely upsetting when the miscarriage occurred and it took me a few weeks to stop crying but of course lifes daily demands help ease your mind and having faith helps too but I also realized that due to timing and circumstance it was kind of a blessing in disguise, I also planned to keep the baby before my miscarriage occurred. I pray to my baby and I will remember this pregnancy always. I'm not a fan of abortion either, but like a lot of you have said its a woman's personal choice to have that option if she feels that's its the best way to go, and adoption is another great option for some woman as well. Everyone should be open minded about these things, because everyone's life circumstances are different and it's the 21st century. For all of you who had had miscarriages I hope your doing ok and for those who had abortions again I hope your doing ok and to all of us who have beautiful little ones in our lives, love them through and through everyday :)

Angela - posted on 02/25/2013

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@ Ashley Jernigan. You haven't even read my post (immediately before yours).

Ashley - posted on 02/25/2013

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Honey I can relate I have 3 kids and alone ... I couldn't imagine life without them and if I did have a situation where I had to abort one,I would wonder all my life what would it be like.... girl or boy what it would look like and have to regret it forever.... u will e glad u kept it in the long run because if your anything like me u will love it and go through hell to raise them the best u can ... I wouldn't quit school... u can do it... u do.t know how strong u r... until being strong is the only cjohave

Angela - posted on 02/25/2013

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You may like to alter your opening post, TaraD. Not everyone bothers to read the full thread.

Tara miscarried her baby a couple of weeks back. It's been painful for her.

So please DON'T tell her to have an abortion, or NOT have an abortion, to keep her baby or to get it adopted - she has lost her baby now so none of these options are relevant.

I hope you're feeling better soon Tara - I'm sorry for your pain.

Shawnteria - posted on 02/25/2013

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Hi Tara i know this post is old i just would like to know your decision. did you keep or have an abortion?

Cindy - posted on 02/25/2013

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I wish u luck.. but i guess for me i would never consider abortion.. that child is inside of u... he or she needs u.. that baby inside of u.. dosent have of to live or die inside of u... what choice that baby has... as mother of three children i would never of thought of aborting my children.. good luck

Susan Lynn - posted on 02/24/2013

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i think that you should stick with it and be strong because that is a living being inside you and what would your children say. they can tell that something is different about you each day as you become round and fuller. if you have family that can help you then ask them but dont just give up a life because some low life liar of a guy left you. grow up and be a mother.

Michelle - posted on 02/24/2013

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*************Mod Warning***********

Women come here some support, not to be abused for their decision. Please refrain from abusive posts as they serve no purpose.

Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

Violet - posted on 02/24/2013

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I agree Shayna, judging and harrasing are not going to stop anyone from having an abortion, Abortion is not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm against abortion but I would never judge, because I've been there and done it. It's an awful choice to have to make and who are you, Anya, to judge. So my wish is that women and all of humanity can stand together to support one another so that Abortion will one day cease to exist and there is no such thing as prochoice or prolife because every mother will be supported and every baby will be wanted but until that day happens please don't judge.

Shayna - posted on 02/24/2013

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Wow, @Anya Khan, what a change of personality and comments. Everything from "You are a Murderer" (which I bet people will flag and report) to "Bless you....." I hate to break it to you, but we are allowed to decide what is best for our own bodies without others saying we cannot. We know what is best for own bodies and calling someone a murderer for considering, or having, an abortion is not right.

Tara, I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages suck. I have had one at 6w and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Mentally, I was a wreck and I still guess what sex the baby was, etc. I know that ultimately, you wanted to keep him/her, but were unfortunately, not able to do so. Hugs.

Anya - posted on 02/24/2013

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Bless you. Would you like a list of resources in your area to help you and your family?

Cecilia - posted on 02/23/2013

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First Tara, sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing okay.

Elizabeth- "Why would he leave you and then say he wants the child? "

The same reason a woman would leave a man and choose to keep a baby. How is that so hard to understand? You can still want a child even if you don't want a full relationship with the person you made it with. I personally am proud of him to be willing to stand up and say he would care for it.

Erika, you can still get pregnant on birth control... It happens all the time. It happened to me before. Not all women even know that antibiotics will make birth control less effective.

Deedee - posted on 02/23/2013

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learn about ALL your available options before you make a decision. Find a good adoption agency in your area and just talk with a social worker. Inform yourself of all the options before you chose any option. Until you learn about the many forms of adoption available you should not rule it out.

Nancy - posted on 02/23/2013

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Tara I hope you get this.I had a similar situation years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.I had used birth control but then I had gotten pregnant with my son when on the pill.It's not fool proof.My kids family made life hell for me after I told them I was pregnant with my daughter.Calling at all hours of the day and night to harass me.After all that grief they caused me,they weren't there to help me out when I needed it.Only my mom was.I didn't have the money for an abortion at that time.It"s entirely up to you.I know you asked for advice and your stressed out.Is there any way you can move closer to your family?I know how hard that is too.Most of my family lives 3000 miles away.I just hope that whatever decision you make,you're comfortable with it.I really feel for you.Whatever your decision,I hope everyone here will offer support.I think you had a good idea about talking to your doctor.My he can offer some good advice.I think you're a lot tougher than you think and you'll be fine whatever you decide to do.Things have a way of working out.Take it easy.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/22/2013

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You seriously feel no emotional attachment to this child? Why would he leave you and then say he wants the child? WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT. I hate men sometimes. Don't even consider that HIS child. The baby is yours. Whose womb is it in? Yours. If you think that raising another child is mentally and physically damaging imagine what abortion would do to you? The effects of abortion on a woman's body are worse than child birth. The emotional and mental effects are even worse than all of it. Did you have post natal depression after either of your children? I bet you will after an abortion. You will be able to have a job as a mother of three children. You will be able to do it all!!! You are capable and strong. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do this. I know it is tiring to be a mother, but you're so strong!!! Women are built strong. We were made for this.

Plus, what gave your other two children the right to live and this one not?

Deidra - posted on 02/21/2013

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I feel the same way about abortion as you I hate it. But you have to think about you and your other two children before making the decision. Are you going to be able to care for 3 at one time? are you going to be able to support the 4 of you? think about all of those things before you do anything. I have lost a baby before 2 miscarriages and 1 eptopic pregnancy. It took me a while to recover from each and every one thinking about yourself, are you going to be able to emotionally handle an abortion, It's a hard decision and only one you can make for yourself. Even if you decide to get one and focus on your 2 babies you'll always have that with you even if it was for the better. Like I said the only one that can make this decision is you, but give it some thought and be sure about what you're going to do before you make a move. Hope this helped just a little bit, good luck with whatever you choose!

Violet - posted on 02/21/2013

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sometimes ( i think 30%) women have implantation bleeding when a fertilized egg attatches to wall of uterus. This seals the deal and is minimal, like light spotting that will last 3-14 hours. if the blood is bright red and lasts longer, then most likely your period. If it is indeed your period then I suggest using birth control asap because, yes, it is possible to get pregnant while you are bleeding. You are most fertile the two weeks after your period and the least fertile after you ovulate, the last two weeks of your cylce or the two weeks before your period. The best thing you can do is learn your cycle and when you ovulate. Just google it and learn the different methods. One of the easiest and most reliable is checking you cervical mucous every day, but even this isn't fool proof. Maybe get on some birth control.

Genni - posted on 02/21/2013

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QUESTION so don't judge me or make a rude comment I need serious answers. So I have recently gotten clean off narcotic drugs and have been clean for three weeks today, I was using for a long time (a couple years consistently) and never had my period till now. since I have been clean I also have had sex. For the past week or so I have had sex and the guy(not just some random guy) never pulled out he came inside me almost everytime and we had sex like every day. Well I just started bleeding yesterday so I assume its my period (I was not sure since I have not had my period in over a year) my question is can I still get pregnant or have a chance being pregnant? I am really scared it just never worried me before cause I wasn't having my period and it never happened before getting pego and all so I am wondering about this. Anyone as to answer this?

Mandy - posted on 02/20/2013

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Tara,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I myself suffered through 5 miscarriages before I was able to carry my beautiful baby girl to full term. At the time they emotionally destroyed me. I was "happily" married and had been trying to conceive since I was 20. Looking back I feel that my guiding force (God or whatever you need to call it) saved my life. Having a child with my now ex-husband would have killed me.
I know you will get sick of hearing "everything happens for a reason" but it is 100% true. And remember this many many many "pregnancies" end in miscarriage. Many times women do not even know. Unless someone has gone through it they will never understand the pain and anguish you are feeling. I wish I could hug you through this monitor...

Cindy - posted on 02/19/2013

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I am really sorry to hear that.. my as mother of three small children and working full time mom. Its very hard.. but i think u will do fine. God will help u and guide u if u just ask... it will be hard. But smile on your childrens faces says it all. Goodluck

Brittany - posted on 02/19/2013

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I am sorry you do not have support, it must be difficult for you. What it seems you do have is strength! You have already raised to beautiful children, you are clearly meant to have another one. Life never works out the way we want it to but we can make the best of it by seeing the beauty in every day. See it in the eyes of your children. Have faith and be strong, a mother can do anything!!

Stephanie - posted on 02/19/2013

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You CAN handle it. God would not have given you the wonderful gift of another baby if you couldn't. Your two children may be delighted to have a new baby brother or sister.
Tara, your being pregnant is a blessing in disguise. Trust in God and it will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. You will see just how strong you are, and you think you can't do it, you are so much stronger than you think! YOU CAN! :)
You will connect with your children in a whole new way that you never thought possible and they will love you that much more! Good luck sweet heart!

Ashley - posted on 02/19/2013

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it is your choice what you would like to do although abortion may seem like the best thing, adoption is also great especially for those ladies out there who are not able to have there own children, you can make someones dreams of becoming a mother come true. I also have had abortions and i do not regret them but i also after thought that adoption might have been the better way to go. Now i have two beautiful children and being a mother is a great feeling, so to those who are not able to have a baby would be able to have the experience.

Melissa - posted on 02/19/2013

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I'm pretty sure the last thing she needs right now is to be lectured about protection and how it could have been useful. I'm sure she got that speech and I'm sure she probably thought this guy she had been dating for two years wasn't going to just up and leave. Sh...happens.

Tara, you do what you think is best for you. You're in a tough situation and if you really, honestly, cannot afford another child, and you know for sure that the father is irresponsible, then you do what you have to do because right now, you have two other kids to think about and their future to think about, just be 100% sure of what you're doing before you jump to any conclusions and if you do decide to abort, don't wait too long.

Sophia - posted on 02/16/2013

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Well i been single threw out my 3 kids and its not a good feeling but thats ur child,he or she didnt ask to be conceived..so keep ur baby it will bring joy to ur life;)

Bobbi - posted on 02/15/2013

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You have options... That's the great part about being a woman! Raising children is a joy, but it's also very stressful and expensive, doing it yourself! God is a forgiving God! You will be loved no matter what choice you make! I wish you the best!

Kristi - posted on 02/04/2013

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Tara--

I am so sorry for your loss. I've just been reading along and not saying anything. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I hope you are able to work through this and find peace. Your baby knows you chose him/her...he/she is one of God's angels now and will be watching over you and his/her siblings. If you start really struggle with your feelings please get help right away. It is important to take care of yourself, to heal and to continue on your path of bettering youself and your family's lives. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Susan - posted on 02/03/2013

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What does "it's not a fetus yet" mean? We all are living humans, that "weren't fetuses yet" at some point in our development.... what were we at that time, then? And why does that even matter? Whatever you call a baby that is developing in utero, it's still a developing human being. I just don't get what point those of you are trying to make, who say "it's not a fetus yet". A lost child is a lost child, at any stage.

Tara, so sorry for your m/c. I had one 2 years ago, it was horrible.

Karen - posted on 02/03/2013

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yes I am sorry about your miscarriage. It is not always easy but your guides were on your side. It was not a viable pregnancy and remember, it was not a fetus yet. YOu have two beautiful children and now you have another chance to keep doing what you planned.

Muriel Sadie Missinne - posted on 02/03/2013

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putting a little one up for adoption is better than ending its life. you have no idea how these abortions are performed. these babies are not kept from suffering. they feel the pain. either trust God that he has a plan for you and your little ones or give the little one to the father. if the father is capable than it is not as absurd as it sounds. go into your heart and find the answer. your the one that has to live with what you do.

TaraD - posted on 02/03/2013

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Unfortunately I lost my baby. The doctor said I was going to have a miscarriage .... It happened this past Thursday, and I'm still sad about the loss. They called it a missed miscarriage where the baby stopped developing after it reached a certain point. I know it wasnt my fault and that everything happens for a reason. And I pray to my baby. I will be extra careful from this point on and I hope and pray that in the future ill never lose another one because its a horrible thing to go through...

Karen - posted on 02/03/2013

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Susan, thank you for your comments. All of us are different and the choice is ultimately individual. I had an abortion at the age of 16. There have been odd time (like around the 30 year old mark of the baby I have never had where I have a had the thought, jee, he would have been....yrs old),However those were very few and just short moments. I was confident in my decision and still am. I would not have the life I have now, become the person I am now nor have the most wonderful children in my life. I do not regret. There were times people try to make you feel guilty and condemn you but they are not in your shoes. I have had people condemn me who made the same choice when they were faced with the same decision. My life got past those condemners when I met Henry Morgentaler, a very kind compassionate man who saved many women's lives. He himself was in a concentration camp and people called him a NAZI. When I heard him speak, I was definitely stronger in my belief it is all about choice for us women and what we feel is best for the child. In the first trimester the baby is not a fetus. I think ultimately Tara the choice is yours. Look at the factors that influence how good a mom you can be to provide the most nuturing environment for your child. Only you know what kind of woman you are and what you can become. I have delivered babies and I have been a public health nurse supporting positive attachement for the child. I also believe families come in many forms and it is stability, constancy and respect and choices that children need. Lots of children grow up fine with parents who are not together. As long as the parents stay the "adult" and remember they have one job and that is to ensure the child grows up to be the most confident and slef assured adult they can be; then it will be fine.

Patricia - posted on 02/02/2013

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TaraD, did You Post Your Dilemma to get Sound Advice or did You hope people would ''comfort'' You with giving You the answers You want to hear?

We All have a right to State our opinions whether You agree with them or not. A lot of these opinions were very supportive of You & whatever decision You make. My Prayer for You is that You will be able to live with whatever decision You make about this Baby and that Before You get into another relationship and becoming pregnant You will carefully consider how this will affect not only Your Life but Your Other three Children's Lives.

Not only do I wish You Well but am Praying for You as I'm typing this ♥

Karen - posted on 02/02/2013

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Tammy has given you some good advice. Ultimately the choice is yours. For me it is ok to have an abortion in the first trimester. Right now it is not really a fetus. This is the time miscarriages happen. Whatever you do,finish the course. get yourself marketable. Open adoptions work well too. Ultimately you want to be able to provide a child with the most nurturing environment. That includes socially, and emotionally. Look up information on Attachment and the science that is now available to prove how important all this is in the first 3 years. If you think you have the capacity to provide for the child then you have your decision. The fathers can all be made accountable and should give child support. No man should be off the hook!

TaraD - posted on 01/29/2013

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I've decided to continue the pregnancy and keep the baby myself and deal with the uphill battle when it comes and see my options for help I may need..... The thought and idea of abortion was causing me to be sick. Tired and upset crying all the time. Onc I made up my mind I felt happier.... And I know adoption is great just that's one thing I can't do either or able to live with myself for especially since I have two kids of my own already who I love dearly ...

Susan - posted on 01/28/2013

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Are you willing to consider adoption? I am eternally grateful that my birth mother went through the ordeal of a pregnancy and childbirth, in order to give me a life she could never share with me. I hope you will consider that as an option.

Violet - posted on 01/27/2013

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I will also add that there are programs out there to help pay for childcare if you're poor and working. Food Stamps and state health insurance are a big help for single mothers. I was single with 4 children for many years and while it was very hard it was worth it, They're is nothing wrong with getting government support for a while when Mothers and babies need it.

Tammy - posted on 01/26/2013

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Adoption and abortion are both very complicated and deeply personal decisions. You have to figure out how you'll feel about this decision years down the road too. It sounds like you already have doubts about both. You have to know that the only person stopping you is you and your doubt. Women raise 3 (or more) children on their own all the time. If you're 7 months out from completing a course that will make you marketable in the workplace then, make sure you finish it. You can work with 3 kids. First, know that all the fathers of your children have a financial and more importantly a legal obligation to provide for their children. It's up to you to make sure they do. The courts can be utilized to ensure their compliance. Don't give up just because you have another child, just make sure you don't continue to compound the issue by having more, no matter what the man of the moment may tell you. I'm not trying to be hard on you but you've made decisions and now it's time to put on your big girl panties and take care of business. Whatever you decide, know that you're capable of great things!

Violet - posted on 01/26/2013

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Hi Tara,
I'm not going to tell you what you to do and I don't know if you'll get this. I had an abortion and it was the worst thing I ever did. I regret it everyday and think about my baby all the time. It is so hard to live with myself. I know that not everyone has these reactions after abortion but if you're already worried about it then I do not suggest that you have an abortion. Not out of fear of God but out fear for your own emotional sanity. I sometimes feel like I will never be the same person again. I cried everyday for many months, for many hours everyday, just wishing I had my baby back. I'm not the only one who has this experience. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome is real, google it and look for a site dedicated to it and read others experience with abortion.
Aloha

TaraD - posted on 01/23/2013

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I joined this site yesterday thinking I could get some great opinions to help me with my situation considering its called circle of moms and maybe a bit more understanding because In the real world I'm in I have no support.... but this is just as big a headache than my real life issues. Thank you to some who gave kind understanding words is greatly appreciated. But I won't be coming on here anymore.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2013

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I am a mom that was diagnosed with a heart condition that doesn't allow me to have more kids. I would give anything for a baby to adopt. Please reconsider adoption before abortion. What a gift it would for a mother like me. And if you choose to keep it that's a wonderful choice too.

Janie - posted on 01/23/2013

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PLEASE DO NOT abort your precious unborn baby. There are so many people who can not have children and are looking for a baby to take in and give your baby the needs and TLC. somebody wants to gives the child a chance to do something with his life. She/he could make a difference for someone. Do you know what Christ has done for you so that you can ask him into your heart and live a eternal life. You are at a age of understanding, God gives you a choice, but did you know when you were a baby, that God gives you a life for eternity. Find a Bible and read psalms 51, psalms 127. Please email to me personally and we could talk more. Janie.bond@yahoo.com

TaraD - posted on 01/23/2013

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Thanks supporters:) I'm aware of all options to those who doesn't understand ..... My doctor put me on a new birth control pill and there was no gap in days of where I skipped any. I guess switching from one kind of pill one day to taking a new kind the next day caused me to get pregnant, by mistake. I'm a loving mother of two and I'm sure I would love a third but my exes family aren't that great, have been harrassing me since the day they found out I was pregnant and threatening me that they can make me stay in this shit town because my ex will be apart of the babies life and I'm currently living in a shit town where I have zero family members and I'm here only because I'm taking a course to better me and my children's future. There's a lot of reasons why I contemplated an abortion as to being the best option and they won't allow me to put the child up for adoption to any one else but them.

Shawnn - posted on 01/23/2013

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Hey, Cindy, quit being unsupportive.

The woman is trying to figure out what's best. For everyone involved. She certainly doesn't need your pithy little comment about killing a child. She already knows that, and if you'd actually read her OP, she's not fond of the idea. But it comes down to what is BEST. For EVERYONE.

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