Was I right in mentioning to my sister-in-law that when her son comes over???

Terra - posted on 09/16/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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OK. So my sister in law drops her almost 4 yr old off at my mom-in-laws every M-F. And every afternoon because my in-laws own the farm we live on; my mom-in-law obviously brings my nephew with her. That's not the problem, the problem is that when he comes over and if he come's in the house he almost always breaks something, on purpose out of anger or what i don't know ( ihave a 1 and 3 yr old he plays with) first an ornament very special to my husband and i that he actually had to climb onthe back of the sofa for and reach up to grab, another time a CD rack he dumped all the CDS off and then jumped on. Most recently out in our machine shed he hooked a big think tow chain to the ladder of one of our tractors andhooked it to the axel of another tractor and my husband didn't see this because when he got in the tractor and 4:45 am the machine shed is pitch black. well needless to say he started driving the tractor and pulled the steps RIGHT off the tractor. almost 10 hours of welding and work to fix....so that night i mentioned to his mother when she picked him up, and I did this very nicely and xplained i likewhen he comes and all but that he's been doing this stuff and he swears at u and calls you the b* word and stuff when you try to discipline him, and she just completly blew it off. And i know he drives my mom in law crazy too (we've discussed this at length) but I'm at the end of my rope, I don't know what to do....any advice

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Kathy - posted on 09/16/2009

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sounds clearly like the mother is of no help to u. i would do 1 of 2 things: 1. ask her politly for him not to come over. or 2. tell her that if it continues that u will b punishing him while he is there. he clearly knows that his mother isnt goin to reprimand him for it, and since it is ur home u may need to go about it on ur own. as, if he does or breaks something, make him sit at the table for such and such odd minutes. or if its a toy, u could say: since the last time when u were here u broke.....and since u did that u will not b able to play w/any of the toys today. in that kind of fashion. u have to find some way to show him in ur own house that he isnt the boss there and that in ur house ppl take responsibility for their actions and have to abide by certain rules and concequences.

Jodi - posted on 09/16/2009

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I would say, since it's your house, he needs to follow your rules. The best way to make that happen is YOU do the disciplining while he is there. But don't get caught up in everything he does that is bad, yes, discipline him for it, but don't forget to praise him for things he's done well. Encourage him to be good, don't just discourage him from being naughty. As for his mother, she needs to gain some control on her child or she will have some serious problems when he gets to school. Have your husband broach the subject with her, it'll be easier for her to listen if it's family. Good Luck!

Tanya - posted on 09/16/2009

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I think you were right to mention it, but what she does from there will be up to her and his father.. Has your mother in law said anything about his behavior to his mother or father? Is he behaving this was with her? I think since she is who is providing care for him it would do more good if she was to bring it up to them then for you to because they may see it as well your not careing for him so what does it matter as long as Mom in law don't have a problem then it's isn't a problem - ya know... Also they leave him in the care of your mother in law so at that time when he is "breaking things" around your home she is responsible for him.... She needs to be one to be handling the behavior at that time.. I hope you all can get it figured out, and maybe save some of your stuff. Good Luck

Tina - posted on 09/16/2009

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Ouch. First of all it sounds like this child has some issues that his mother needs to seriously address. Since you already tried that route explain to her that her son is not welcome in your home unless he is going to listen to you and your mother in law. ITS YOUR HOUSE. Regardless of who the child belongs to in my house you follow my rules. End of story. If not you don't get to play. Make him sit with you and your mother in law instead of playing with his cousins. Let them have snacks and games and not him. Let him see what they get and what he's not getting. It sounds cruel but it will send the message that these things are privileges. If he doesn't follow your house rules he doesn't get your house privileges. He definately should not be left anywhere in your home unsupervised until he learns to follow the rules. If he doesn't want to sit with you guys and runs off to cause more mayhem put him in a baby seat. Tell him its a baby seat and only big kids who behave themselves are allowed out of it. While he may throw a fit it won't hurt him. It will piss him off for a little while. What it all boils down to is this is one spoiled rotten brat, its going to take some extreme parenting to put him in his place. His mother has obviously let him think that he's the boss and you need to let him know that at your house your the boss. It won't be instant but it will eventually work. All else fails call super nanny on your sister in law.

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Terra - posted on 09/23/2009

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well i see everyone is on the same page here, including myself....so maybe i'll just have to get stricter!!! THANK YOU EVERYONE.... now i see i am not the only who believes in discipline!

Gina - posted on 09/16/2009

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You might talk to the mom-in-law a little more too. I know you said you've discussed that he drives her crazy too, but if she is bringing him into your house, she needs to be taking more responsibility to keep him from doing these things. And no, I don't think you were wrong to discuss it with her. Some parents just don't think their kids can do any wrong.

Jacy - posted on 09/16/2009

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yes you were right to speak up! they need t teach their child values and respect. he also needs his mouth washed out and a good spankng!. i would tel her that he is not allowed in your home anymore no exceptions. you need to get your mil to speak up too. that kid can goto daycare in my opinion. it seems like they either could care less how he acts, or they cant handle him theirselves and gave up, or he oesnt act like this at home so they think that they have the sweetest best child in the world. either way put your foot down before he starts taking is anger and distructive behaivior out on you kids.

Jackie - posted on 09/16/2009

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I would write her a bill for everything he has broke. Sounds like she won't learn to teach her son wrong from right until it directly effects her. So write her up a bill for EVERYTHING he has broke and anything your husband has repaired himself make sure you charge her an hourly rate for the repair along with materials. When you give it to her explain that the next time something is broken intentionally she will be paying to replace the item.

Jennifer - posted on 09/16/2009

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Hi, what i would do is tell her not to bring her child around without her superivision, if she keeps bring her child with her tell her the next time he breaks anything, she will have to pay for it. That should soon stop her bringing her child around for long visits.

Janine - posted on 09/16/2009

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You were definitely right to say something, its gone too far when it can no longer be excused as accidental or over excitement.

Perhaps if his mum is not willing to deal with him you need to put in place some rules for yourself. Make it clear when he first arrives that you have rules for your own children about how to treat things in your home and explain that he has to abide by them too, do it with your own children there so that they are reminded and he doesn't feel singled out and you'll also feel like your being fair. If he doesn't he should have the same consequences as your own children e.g. some kind of time out, or tell him he won't be allowed to come again unless he behaves. If this fails tell him your calling his mum to come and get him and do it.

Also try to encourage your mum-in-law to do the same, as well as talking to his mum maybe she is having problems herself and doesn't know how to ask or what to do with him. As a mum of a nearly 4 yr old myself i know that at other family members houses he can get very excited, but when told firmly he does behave and that i will take him home if he misbehaves. I would be embarased were i your nephews mum and make every effort to support your expectations of his behaviour.

The anger issues would concern me more, especially as i m also a teacher and this will cause problems when he starts school next year. Is he overly frustrated or in need of more exercise or a more structured routine to wear him out? If not he will find school very tough as he will be expected to conform to a lot of rules. He may need anger management or councilling to help him express himself without breaking things.

Or he could just be going through a phase that he'll grow out of.

Courtney - posted on 09/16/2009

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First of all it is your husband's responsibility to talk to them about this because it's his side of the family. If it came from him it might have a different affect. I wouldn't allow him to come over if he is going to destroy stuff and maybe his mother will start to realize that she needs to do something about her child's attitude. Put your foot down. You can't just let this go on forever.

[deleted account]

You have two choices here, one is to just tell her not to come by with him until he is better or two you may have a bit of work on your hands.



Now the second isnt as bad as you may be thinking. In our house i have one main rule for anyone who comes over, if you come over you have to listen and obey our house rules. For the older kids I would simply send them on their way (I used to live in a neighbourhood where most of the kids were a lot older than my kids, but they often came over to play with my kids) basically their time out was to be sent packing. As for younger kids I would explain to their parents if their children stay here then either they deal with their children while they are here or I will.



If she is leaving him with you then explain that you will discipline him while he is at your house, if she doesnt agree with this then he isnt to be brought over.



Actually if you discipline him he may start to behave more for you (she will end up getting the short end of this stick since he will enjoy his time with you since he will have better boundaries at your place then at home)

Sharon - posted on 09/16/2009

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Yes - you were right to mention it, tell your mother in law he isn't allowed back until the SIL puts out some efffort in correcting her child.

I'm beginning to understand why people put kids in cages and lock them in rooms. I've never read about a worse behaved bunch of kids than on this forum. I understand its not your child and many of them have behavioural issues stemming from disorders or mental issues... but dang....

[deleted account]

This is a sticky situation and I am so sorry to hear about it. You must be very frustrated. You could either watch the child like a hawk to make sure he stays out of trouble, or tell your mother in law that you don't want him at your house. Take your kids and go to her house instead. I would definitely sit down with the child and lay down the law regarding the rules of my house and tell him that he will sit on the sofa and not be allowed to play if he can't follow the rules. If he acts up then remind him that you are not his mother and right now you are in charge and he needs to listen. His mother is probably blowing you off like she blows his behavior off. He doesn't sound disciplined at all. Sounds like he would benefit from preschool. Is that an option? He needs daily structure to prepare him for kindergarten. Good luck with the situation.

[deleted account]

This is a sticky situation and I am so sorry to hear about it. You must be very frustrated. You could either watch the child like a hawk to make sure he stays out of trouble, or tell your mother in law that you don't want him at your house. Take your kids and go to her house instead. I would definitely sit down with the child and lay down the law regarding the rules of my house and tell him that he will sit on the sofa and not be allowed to play if he can't follow the rules. If he acts up then remind him that you are not his mother and right now you are in charge and he needs to listen. His mother is probably blowing you off like she blows his behavior off. He doesn't sound disciplined at all. Sounds like he would benefit from preschool. Is that an option? He needs daily structure to prepare him for kindergarten. Good luck with the situation.

Nikki - posted on 09/16/2009

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first remember it is your home if your mom in law doesn't disapline him u can ask your husband to talk to them it comes better from family but make sure he knows what u want to happen. if he won't talk to your sis in law maybe she doesn't know what is happening a 4 year old is old enough to be held responsible and need to taught so if he breaks something else i would have him help to fix it if that takes 10 hours then i guess he owes you 10 hours of work as for the names he has to be hearing them from some where and you need to tell him at your house u don't talk like that. if you mom in law is on your side then have her talk to the sis in law with you about the behavior and set up a plan with her so you can at least do the same " punishment' time out or ehat ever. when my 5 year old gets that i'm gonna destroy something mode i make him go run a "couple laps" and it helps get out his extra energy good luck and stay strong i know its fun with other ppls kids but it seems like your sis in law trusts your mom in law enough to give her her kid 5 days a week and should expect some discipline to happen

Angel - posted on 09/16/2009

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i have been in your situation before and you need to say something and put your foot down. i told my sister in law that her children were not allowed at my house if her children couldn't behave. it also helps if your mother in law helps support you. and remind your sister in law that you love him being at your house but he can not be destroying things because hes mad.

[deleted account]

When he's visiting YOUR house why don't YOU enforce discipline that is similar to what you would expect from your children, their friends, and any guests? This kid OBVOUSLY is getting off with everything every where else, so put on the breaks when he's at YOUR house! Be the B**** and discipline that little sh!t

[deleted account]

When he's visiting YOUR house why don't YOU enforce discipline that is similar to what you would expect from your children, their friends, and any guests? This kid OBVOUSLY is getting off with everything every where else, so put on the breaks when he's at YOUR house! Be the B**** and discipline that little sh!t

Betty - posted on 09/16/2009

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Well I live with my in-laws yeah it is hard but you do what you have to right. I would have to tell her not to bring him over to my house. I don't think that it is mean when it is your things getting broke. In the real world the childs parents would have to pay to replace the items. Discipline on the other hand is very much needed spare the rod spoil the child. The child obviously isn't being disciplined or he wouldn't be breaking things. That child has it easy compared to what would happen to other children if they broke things. So it sounds like to me your husband should talk to his nephews parents about it that way you will not be in the middle of it all. I am not saying to fuss at your husband about it just ask him to talk to them about it. That is the way things work around here. Sometime it helps sometimes it doesn't.

Sarah - posted on 09/16/2009

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u got to tell him mum other wise it could get worse and u never know wot cud happen you just have to hope his mum doesnt take it the wrong way but at the end of the day its ur home and he's got to have respect for other people and there homes or he'll never learn

Tiara - posted on 09/16/2009

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You were very right to mention it! You have a ton more patience than I do. If our niece came over, and out of anger trashed our stuff almost every time she came over I would not be so polite. If she's going to blow it off, then maybe it's time for her to start footing the bill for the stuff her son breaks. No parent is made of money and can afford to continually replace stuff. Eventually, she'll have to deal with the problem, and that would be her sons attitude. It will be a very hard conversation to have, especially with them being the in-laws, but ask for your husband's support and have a sit down conversation with your sister-in-law and her husband, if she has one.

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