We have parenting differences wat do i do ?

Kristen - posted on 02/24/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Ive been with my bf for almost a year i hav 2 children(not his) and he has 2 children(not mine) my childrens fathers are not in the picture so mi bf is there only father figure and he is more then willing in fact wants to be the father in my kids life and i would love that but were running into the issue with my 3 year old he crys alot and doesnt listen and throws things were working on it waiting for a counseler to come open to see him but hedoesnt listen to me my bf is all about spanking kids i just dont agree and everytime we get into the arguement of u shoulda spanked him for that i know he doubts more and more us ever having kids together i dont know what to do how will we ever come to a happy medium will we ever get there i just dont know what to do ty.

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Jenni - posted on 02/25/2012

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I know he is being a father figure to them but the fact is, he is not their father. So ultimately the choice is yours on how your children should be parented. I personally, am very strongly against spanking and I would never allow another adult (regardless of relation) to hit my child. But really, it's up to you decide if this is something you feel strongly about or something you are willing to compromise on. Unfortunately, there's not much middle ground on this one. You either spank or you don't.



A few suggestions you could try:



The throwing things is a reaction to anger? Then find a healthy way for him to vent his anger. This could be squeezing a stuff toy, jumping jacks, counting, deep breathing, make a glitter jar (he watches the glitter fall until his anger subsides). Get creative.



Cries a lot, to get what he wants or becomes frustrated easily? Ignore. Tell him you will speak to him again, help him once he calms himself down. Congratulate him when he calms himself down: "Good job calming yourself down! Now I can help you."

If he cries because he is hurt, his feelings are hurt, he experienced a great disappointment. Comfort and love are the best medicine.



Use natural consequences- try to link the consequence directly to the behaviour to teach a lesson about the behaviour. If he's not listening at the park, let's say...

Get down to his level, in a voice just above a whisper give him a warning about the behaviour and consequence that will ensue if he continues.

2nd time- give him a timeout on the bench. Another warning and reminder of the consequence.

3rd time- leave

***examples of natural consequences; he makes a mess, he cleans it up. He doesn't eat dinner, he doesn't get dessert (but everyone else does). He breaks a toy it goes in the trash (have him be the one to put it in). He speaks impolitely, he isn't heard. He gives you a hard time about bed time, he doesn't get a bedtime story.



Use a reward chart to encourage good behaviour.



Always get down to your child's level when speaking to them to encourage listening. Always give 2 warnings before a consequence so the child knows what to expect. Always follow through. Always remind the child of the rules, like before you go into the grocery store for example. Remind him 3 important rules in the grocery store. When he learns the rules, help him to recite them himself.



Talk, talk, talk. Discuss his feelings with him, discuss everything he is seeing and hearing, discuss good behaviour, discuss bad behaviour. Prepare him for situations. Teach proper conduct and manners through role playing (make it fun). Model behaviours you want him to exhibit, like if you want him to learn to take his own timeouts when he is upset, take them yourself. Model how to count to 10 when you're angry.



Talk to your bf about some of the things you'd like to try first. Come to the discussion with a game plan. You could say, how about we try this first. We'll give it a good 6 months. If we don't see results. We will consider your way.



Hope some of these ideas are helpful.

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Connie - posted on 02/25/2012

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the biggest thing is for the 2 of you to be on the same page. you need to discuss it ahead of time. decide on consequences that you can both live with and enforce and they must be the same across the board your children and his. they must be treated the same....good luck and God bless.

Kimberly - posted on 02/25/2012

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I think you both need to sit down away from the kids and not in the heat of the moment and have a good chat about what you would like to see out of your relationship. If he is for spanking and your not then you have to be able to reach some sort of even ground where someone doesnt feel that they are lossing. This isnt about who's way is right or wrong its about how best the two of you can work together to raise your children. My husband and I dont see eye to eye on everything, and yes I know when it comes to the real hard disapline it falls to me because my husband just cant do it, I'm fine with this but he does know when I'm not around that he has to step up. I will smack for a few serious things but it isnt the first thing I look to use. Have a good talk and see if you can reach some kind of point were both of you are happy

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