We've miscarried a few times now, & this time I'm having trouble feeling connected or attached. I feel horrible but can't seem to shake it... any ideas on how to bond?

Cheryl - posted on 01/09/2009

Just wanted to drop another note. I did rent the doppler. My sister is a neonatal nurse and told me not to do it. She thought it would just make me more nervous. I used it all the time at the beginning, with patience I always found the heartbeat. It was very comforting to me to lie in bed at night with headphones just listening to my little one's heartbeat. I guess it depends on the person, but the doppler can also be helpful to some. Do what feels right for you! Good luck & God Bless. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Emma - posted on 01/09/2009

I agree with Robin. I think your survival instincts have kicked in and you are just protecting yourself from upset by detaching yourself. I had a miscarriage at 14wks followed by a stillbirth and further miscarriage. By the time I had Thomas I would do as little as possible constantly protecting him but not really bonding. Even in labour I was an emotional mess and horribly worried something would go wrong. He had little more than a going home outfit to go home in, a car seat and a cot to sleep in. I couldn't prepare as I was protecting myself for worse case scenario. I never thought I would get there... having a baby was a little bit of a shock as I was so mentally prepared to fail again. Babys bring love with them although if you don't bond after the birth then please talk to someone. Good luck and I hope everything works out this time x

Emma - posted on 01/09/2009

I agree with Robin. I think your survival instincts have kicked in and you are just protecting yourself from upset by detaching yourself. I had a miscarriage at 14wks followed by a stillbirth and further miscarriage. By the time I had Thomas I would do as little as possible constantly protecting him but not really bonding. Even in labour I was an emotional mess and horribly worried something would go wrong. He had little more than a going home outfit to go home in, a car seat and a cot to sleep in. I couldn't prepare as I was protecting myself for worse case scenario. I never thought I would get there... having a baby was a little bit of a shock as I was so mentally prepared to fail again. Babys bring love with them although if you don't bond after the birth then please talk to someone. Good luck and I hope everything works out this time x

Robin - posted on 01/08/2009

I am a neonatal nurse and have worked with lots of women that have had fertility & miscarriages. I think your response is normal. You are protecting yourself from the possibility of the pain of losing a baby again. Don't be hard on yourself. You will have plenty of time for mommy guilt later. You will bond, just don't pressure yourself. I felt guilty after my second child. I didn't feel bonded to him quick like my first. It was even worse with my 3/4 twins. Being a busier mom left less time to be in so absorbed. I did love them, but the connection took longer. You will bond when you are ready & you feel safe. If you are feeling depressed please see your Dr. I couldn't tell if you were pregnant or had had the baby already.

Hanna - posted on 01/08/2009

With my insurance it's 3 ultrasounds -- the initial one to determine accurate conception date; the one at 19 or 20 weeks right after the down syndrome/chromosome disorder test and then one more at 8 months (at 34-36 weeks) to make sure that the baby is developing fine before the big day.

However, Christina is right, in your case, due to what happened in your past, you are a high-risk case and they should list you as medical or emergency or high-risk patient, which cannot be denied by the insurance.

And I definitely agree that a doppler is a waste of money in the beginning of your pregnancy -- you really won't be able to hear anything in the beginning (until week 19-20), afterwards it may come in handy if you have a baby who is naturally calm and quiet -- in my case i really don't need them to tell me my son's heart is beating because i can't seem to get a decent night sleep because of all the nightmares due to him moving so much and lately the only time he doesn't kick is when i'm walking or when my husband rubs my belly. However, my friend was constantly paranoid that her daughter didn't move and she was just quiet, so in her case, doppler proved to be effective and saved her a few trips to the hospital between week 25 & week 40.
I hope everything works out for you. and please, as hard as it is, try not to stress too much -- it's not good for either one of you. Good luck!

Christina - posted on 01/08/2009

I don't recommend the doppler either. It's a waste of money- sometimes it can be hard to find the heartbeat if you are not a professional. My sister had one and she could never find the HB on her own- her bf was able to but she couldn't- not until she was far along enough to feel the baby move and by that point you don't need the doppler. It's up to you but if you get it don't panic if you can't find a HB.Have your Doctor schedule more frequent ultrasounds. They will tell you insurance restricts you to only 2 but tell them if they code it as medical and not routine insurance can not limit you.

Kimberly - posted on 01/08/2009

Brittney,

I don't recommend the fetal doppler.  I had 3 miscarriages, and when I finally stayed preggo, if the doctor couldn't find a hb, I would panic! They had to do office ultrasounds on me, so I would relax. If you order the doppler, and you don't find a hb, (even though one is there!!) it will stress you out more.... I recommend just trying to go with it.   Typically, once you have a hb after 6.5 weeks, the chance of miscarriage drops tremendously. You, your hubby and your baby will be much more relaxed if you can try to refrain from the fetal doppler.... Just my opinion!

Good LUCK!

Brittney - posted on 01/08/2009

With my 1st miscarriage I was only 4 1/2 weeks...it wasn't very tramadic as it seemed like my monthly cycle. The 2nd was in August 08 and I was 10 weeks...however our baby only developed to 7 wks and 4 days... I was in the ER every week after 7 wks 1 day saying *Something isn't right..I just know*.... however, they did an ultrasound on that day & told me I was fine, the heartbeat was there & the only difference was I was only 6 weeks instead of 7 wks and 1 day. I knew that wasn't true, because we were trying religiously. =)



So, that miscarriage was horrible.... I went for an emergency Ultrasound bc I started having dark brown/almost black spotting each time I'd go to the bathroom. They did the ultrasound....no heartbeat, & sch me for a D&C on the following Monday. Well...my husband @ work, my sister and brother in law come to stay with me & it was by the grace of God, because if not...my husband would've came home to me in a puddle of my own blood. I passed everything myself on that Sunday & no further procedures were done.



I miscarried again in Oct. & was 7 weeks. We were surprised to find out on Dec. 1st we got a positive pregnancy test. I'm currently around 9 weeks preggo & we're waiting for our first ultrasound to confirm since my body was so messed up from the other miscarriages.



Thanks to all of you who have responded & I know that in time the bonding will come. Until then I'm going to order the fetal doppler & hopefully keep myself @ ease that way!! Thanks again





Brittney

Jacki - posted on 01/08/2009

Hi Brittney! I know just how you feel. I had an ectopic pregnancy resulting in surgery and then ended up (suprise) pregnant with my son a month and a half later. I felt confused at how quickly it happened. What you are feeling is normal. There is a fear that something may happen so you don't want to get to excited and you almost feel guilty when you do for the loss you have encountered previously. These feelings will pass but what helped me was to really focus on the current pregnancy, make sure you talk to someone to help you mourn the loss of the others, (this  really helped me to focus on my son) and soon, the farther along you become, these feelings will begin to subside. Try as hard as you can to focus everyday on the blessing of now and not the fears. Hang in there!!! I hope this helps and by the way, congratulations!!!

Cheryl - posted on 01/07/2009

Hi Brittany. I have been where you are. I  have had 6 pregnancies but I have 2 beautiful living children. I lost 3 pregnancies very early on. And Iost  my daughter Cailey when I was 17 wks 5 days. Once  you suffer such a huge losses, it's difficult to excited and feel "attached". Just please know that it is a very normal feeling. Hold on, as each day passes, you get one step closer. Each pregnancy was difficult for me. With my oldest ,Joey, I can say that I was so scared the actual bonding took a little bit, but as soon as you feel those kicks, and that baby is keeping you awake because he/she is under your rib cage, you'll do some great bonding!!  I've been in online support groups. They were what got me through the most difficult - and my own crazy-nervous nights! If you are a religious person, St. Gerard is the patron saint for pregnant mothers. I wore a medal around my neck every day of my last pregnancy. He blessed me with one beautiful little -opinionated, truck driving talker, slam the door in your face, I SAID NO!!! wonderful 2 1/2 year old girl Kallie!.

Seriously, if you need reach out, feel free!! Cheryl

Crystal - posted on 01/07/2009

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have a healthy 14 year old and for the past 3 1/2 years I've tried to get pregnant. In 1 year I had 3 miscarriages and each pregnancy after the first, I was terrified. I don't think you get over that fear. I'm still trying to get pregnant and I'm still afraid of what may happen, but I think in time, with the growing of that little one inside you, you will naturally feel her/him and one day you will just realize how much you love them already. You won't even know when it began. How far were you ea time?

Jenni - posted on 01/07/2009

Hi Brittney,

I was also worried about not feeling 'connected to' my baby whilst I was pregnant. I felt so guilty that there was instant bond between us. I couldn't choose a name, or even refer to him as anything other than 'the baby' even though I was so excited to be pregnant. Everyone around me seemed to be in love with this lump in my stomach except for me.
All of my guilt was compounded by the fact that many of my pregnant friends were naming their unborn children. I was receiving christmas and birthday cards signed from these 'invisible beings' and their mums were talking about them as if they were already born. Perhaps this is what helped them to bond with their bubs? It just didn't feel right for me.

Whilst I knew I loved him and would protect him from the moment he was born, for me, the connection between myself and my son occurred when he was about 3 and a half weeks old. He was asleep in his cot, I was on the couch with my husband recounting the days events in my mind, (vomits, poos, gurgles and smiles) and it finally felt real. We were a family and he was our son. My son.

Personally, I needed time to adjust to the idea that this little person was here to stay. Once I had made this adjustment, bonding was such an easy thing to do and the connection that I feel with him so overwhelming. I agree with Hannah that this reaction is your bodies personal defense mechanism, a way of protecting yourself emotionally from what you have experienced in the past. Give it time, and don't bring yourself down with guilty feelings. If you are still really worried, perhaps give your tummy a nickname or two. This really seemed to connect my friends with their bubs and may work for you too!

All the best with your pregnancy!!
Jenni

Melissa - posted on 01/07/2009

I'm not sure how far along your are, if you've heard the heartbeat, or felt the baby move yet...But I have lost a baby in the past so I can understand where you are coming from.  I had a picture perfect pregnancy with my daughter, an unplanned pregnancy, but perfect and very wanted.  I planned the second and had a blighted ovum with D&C.  I intentionally got pregnant again and was surprised to find that I didn't "feel" pregnant. Like it was someone else's baby or body.  I was told that this is normal depending on how you are impacted by the previous losses. You have suffered and grieved. I feel you deserve this baby and in time you will grow more attached as you feel safer in the pregnancy and get past the period "that nothing will go wrong".  At least that is what I felt.  I wasn't truely comfortable until my son was in my arms. I saw a therapist weekly until he arrived, that may not be a bad idea. Pregnancy isn't easy to begin with. A joy, yes, in every aspect. But with extra baggage, it can be difficult.  I will pray for you and I wish you all the best.

Melissa

Marilyn - posted on 01/07/2009

you are just scared something is going to happen again so im sure you are just protecting yourself. As you get farther along it will get better. Hope all turns out ok.

Hanna - posted on 01/07/2009

Brittney i'm sorry about the past, and congratulations (knocking on wood)! it's your body's natural defense mechanism, it's how you protect yourself. also, for my first pregnancy, i didn't really feel connected with the baby until after my second ultra-sound when i found out it was a boy and i saw him smiling. then, all of a sudden, it became real -- i was pregnant. the real intimacy came later, when i started to feel him kick.

Christina is right, you should make sure that the doctor sees you more often and you do at least 1-2 extra ultrasounds (or get one of those heart-rate monitors that they use at the OB and listen to it at home). and just try rubbing your belly and talking to your baby, tell him/her that you are waiting for him/her and that you can't wait to see him/her and that you don't care if it's a boy or a girl, you and your husband/partner will love them the same. if you want, join a prenatal yoga class (if you're over 4 months & ur OB says it's ok) -- there you do get time to meditate & connect with your baby and you say affirmations while you do exercises that help you bond with your baby. i think it'll do you some good both physically and mentally. good luck!

Michelle - posted on 01/07/2009

Quoting Brittney:

We've miscarried a few times now, & this time I'm having trouble feeling connected or attached. I feel horrible but can't seem to shake it... any ideas on how to bond?

i don't have any ideas on how to bond for you Brittney but i can relate to what you are saying!

I think it's more that you don't want to get your hopes up or get attached as you try and protect yourself incase something happens, which is very natural!

My husband and i had an ectopic pregnancy first time around and it didn't get picked up untill i was 11 and 1/2 weeks and i knew there was something wrong but the doctor told me i had growing pains??? i had emergency surgery the next day after i ended up in emergency dept that night. So no body knows how you feel except for you but councelling helped me when i found out that i was pregnant 13 weeks ago and also peace of mind with the ultra sounds but i still hold my breath every time i go in waiting for them to say something disastrous has happened and i'm probably not as excited as i should be! it will get better though, hang in there and by all means go to the councellor they are wonderful!!! Cheers Michelle!!

Kimberly - posted on 01/07/2009

I miscarried twice and I have three beautiful children. During those pregnancies I did have anxiety wondering if the same was going to happen again. Try to relax and enjoy your pregancy and put all your love and trust in this baby and anticipating it's arrival. God is good and He's allowed you another chance to birth life. You must have faith!

Christina - posted on 01/07/2009

Hi Brittney- How far along are you? I have had a total of 7 miscarriages. I had 6, then I had a full term pregnancy with a healthy baby girl and then I had another miscarriage after her. The latest miscarriage I had was at 18 weeks so with my healthy pregnancy it wasn't until I passed that milestone that I felt a little okay- I actually had a full blown panic attack at the ultrasound before going in because I was so stressed we would get bad news. All I can say is keep on your Doctors, make them see oyu more often than normal, ask for more ultrasounds and tests and never feel awkward about asking. Bonding will come naturally when you are ready. For me it was when I could feel my little bugger kicking away. I think I had bruises on my belly from poking myself if I wasn't feeling her often enough. No one can tell you how to bond or when it will come but it will. For me as I mentioned it was when I could feel her kicking and then once I had her I was still scared and I had that "ah-ha" moment after I got home from the hospital and we were alone. It can take some time.

Kimberly - posted on 01/07/2009

How far along are you?

I understand where you are coming from, we had 3 miscarriages, but now have 3 healthy babies. ... well they are getting bigger now. It is very difficult at first, its normal to feel detached, as you are pretty scared. You will feel closer to the baby as time as goes on. I have no specific advice on how to get there as each person is different. As you progress further into your pregnancy, you will start to relax, and once that happens, you'll start to feel more connected to the baby.... and most definetly when it is born!

Hang in there! and I wish you lots of luck!

Paulette - posted on 01/07/2009

Hi Brittney,  How far along are you? I think it is natural to feel this way. Because those pregnancies were real and you are afraid of what might happen. I would sit yourself down and make the decision to enjoy what you have now and acknowledge that what happened in the past does not have to happen in the present. I know it is not easy at all. Look into what you can do to make this the best possible pregnancy possible. Like reducing your stress level, rest, nutrition and exercise...checking with your doctor about them. Keep yourself busy, busy and when you get to a certain amount of weeks, your confidence will build more and more. You will also find that writing a journal to the baby will help you to bond too. Once you reach the end of your 8th month(32-34 weeks) I would recommend finding out the sex of the baby. So you can decorate the babies room. At this point you are in the home stretch. I hope this will help you...I will pray for a healthy pregnancy, birth and baby for you and yours. Take care. =0)

Michele - posted on 01/07/2009

You are feeling scared to get attached for fear something could happen to take your baby from you. I've not been in your situation,but I as a mother I feel your pain. since I haven't been there Ican only say just be patient and keep trying , Talk to your baby , cuddle and just love him/her. It will take some time toget over your fear, talk to your pediatrition , your family dr.Or even your family clergy maybe they can help you get over your fear . Be open with your partner too maybe he can help . I'm praying for you and I hope things get better for you soon!

Juanita - posted on 01/07/2009

I have been where you are.  We now have a healthy 20 year old daughter.  She is a real joy to us.  Take it one day at a time.  If you have a faith/church family, now is the time to really rely on their support.  If not, you might consider it.  I know that is what helped me.  Try not to dwell on the negative and as each day passes and your pregnancy progresses your anxious feelings will probably begin to subside.  Hang in there!  I will pray for you.

Juanita - posted on 01/07/2009

I have been where you are.  We now have a healthy 20 year old daughter.  She is a real joy to us.  Take it one day at a time.  If you have a faith/church family, now is the time to really rely on their support.  If not, you might consider it.  I know that is what helped me.  Try not to dwell on the negative and as each day passes and your pregnancy progresses your anxious feelings will probably begin to subside.  Hang in there!  I will pray for you.