What am I doing wrong?

Sarah - posted on 06/07/2012 ( 44 moms have responded )

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I've been off work for on stress leave for almost a year now. I was bullied horribly at work and have had anxiety and depression symptoms as a result. I have nightmares about it several times a week. I've seen a psychologist and am awaiting diagnosis but suspect I have a form of PTSD related to the harassment I went through for just over a year. My confidence is gone, I have 0 self esteem, and cry whenever someone brings it up. Today my hubby brought up me going back to work (if it's not him, it's someone else in my life, almost on a daily basis). I feel frustrated because I can barely contain my emotions sometimes. My doc tried medication but because it is situational it did little to help. We have had a TON of other major stressors this year on top of this. Today my 3 1/2 year old son keeps acting up (usually he does at least once a day). My family keeps telling me he's ADHD, but I KNOW he isn't. He doesn't exhibit any of the other symptoms, and even his preschool teacher says she doesn't think so either. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed today, been in tears for hours. I feel like a failure professionally for not standing up to or being able to move on from the bullying, and a failure as a wife because it causes my hubby extra stress, a failure as a mother because my son acts up so much. Most of the time I can control him, but he will talk back when he's angry and sometimes even hit me. I will take his hands and put them together and say no. I give him time outs. I have even swatted his bum when he hasn't listened - not my finest moment. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Nothing seems to work. He just doesn't care. Then other times, he's the sweetest, most compassionate little boy ever. I love both my kids with everything I have in my soul. I do feel so very lucky to be given the gift and honour of being their mother. But I also wonder if there's someone else who could mother them better. I feel like everything I am doing in my life is wrong and don't know how to regain control. My hubby and I want to move, and I can't even make that decision because I am so scared of making another mistake (our last move to this town was a HUGE mistake). I can understand now why some kids who are bullied end things because the hurt is so great, but I would NEVER do that to my family or my children. The worst thing for me is the constant feeling as though I have disappointed and let down everyone in my life. Before this I was independent, strong willed, confident, and self-assured. I am none of those things anymore and don't know who I am anymore. I know I have let everyone down and when I try to explain how I feel this way, no one gets it. They all just think I need to "get over it," and don't understand how bullying could completely destroy who I am. They blame me for letting it. I have NO ONE to talk to and no one who understands. I feel trapped because everyone expects me to return to my profession, but I have no desire to. Yet I trained for 4 years in university to do this. I have no value for this profession, which was once one I loved. I am so scared to do anything really, I just don't want to leave my house, where I feel safe (don't get me wrong, I'm not an agoraphobic, I will leave my house). Has anyone has anything similar happen to them? How did you get through it and get better? Any words of advice to help me heal? Any ideas for behaviour correction in a 3 1/2 year old? I'm pretty consistent, and I KNOW 3 year olds act up from time to time, but when I see him next to others his age, he always seems less inclined to listen. Though sometimes he's great (I have had a few people compliment me on his behaviour being out and about) but have also had others say he's horrible. I just want to succeed at parenting if nothing else. What am I doing wrong?

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I wasn't bullied per say, but I hated my last job. It stressed me out to the point I'd have panic attacks. I ended up quitting when I got pregnant with my daughter as the stress was making it so the progesterone pills I was taking weren't working as effectively and I would bleed after work every time I worked.

Honestly, being at home with my kids is a stress reliever for me. I don't have the social anxieties of work, nor do I have to worry about daycare, or all of the extra expenses that comes with working. Staying at home might not be right for you, but maybe this particular career path isn't either. Why not start by just getting back to a job. Doing something different might give you the confidence boost you need to maybe revisit this career path. If not, it is never too late to find a different one.

Your son sounds like a typical 3 year old. My daughter is 2 1/2 and I call her my little girl with a curl. If you don't know the rhyme it goes like this:

There once was a girl who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good she was very, very good;
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Sienna is right about toddlers acting out because of how we as parents are feeling and acting. When I'm really stressed out and on edge, my daughter acts out more. I find that I end up with a shorter fuse myself, which just starts a slippery slope of bad actions. I've found that stepping away and taking a deep breath then coming back and being calm, helps us both get through the day better.

Try not to second guess yourself. It can just lead you in to a deeper depression. Try to keep focused on the positive. When people ask you when you are going to go back to work, be honest, you aren't ready, when you are you'll let them know.

Alexandra - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sarah, I think you have a major case of depression that you might be wanting to fight without success. I have ot read the other replies, but I really think you should go see another psycologist and I think you should have "talk" therapy until you can conquer your own self again.
One day or another everybody is feeling a little down, a little sad, but usually people get over it without help. I believe you need some help, and there is nothing wrong with that. You need to be strong for your children and hubby and for yourself.
From what you say, I dont believe there is nothing wrong with your child. Whenever we are with other children, it always seems our own are worse behaved, but that is not always the case. If you are concerned about him, then you can go see a pediatric psychologist. He can answer all your questions and consult with your child.
I also dont think you should back to where you were working. Maybe trying some other place? Other people? You can always give it a try perhaps.
Sorry for the long answer. I just wanted to tell you that there is always tomorrow and that I know you can go on. You are going to be a great mother again when this phase stops, ok?

Denise - posted on 06/08/2012

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Honey, you are doing nothing wrong. You have been in a really stressful situation, so please don't be so hard on yourself. I am a 52 year old Grandma (Nona), and my daughter has just gone through a terrible divorce-bullying and abusive. For awhile things need to have a domino effect. Take this time to heal your soul. First, your step of seeing a psychologist is an excellent idea, and psychological testing is so helpful. You will understand your situation much better after hearing the psychologist explain the results. The next thing is to take care of the physical well being. Find a Live Well doc and get the blood tests done. They will let you know how organs, Adreanals, thyroid are functioning, as well as supplements and minerals you may be dangerously low Hormone levels will be tested, too. Adding back these much needed nutrients and correcting anything physical will also REALLY help. There is a book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. Just holding this book makes me feel better. There is also a tiny book called Small Changes that is great! I am going to ask you to buy and read them. Google Live Well MD and see if there is one in your area. If not, I would travel to get to a Wellness doc. It will make all the difference in the world. I wish you all the best! When people ask your plans tell them you are concentrating on being your best self and best wife and mom. When you get that accomplished, you will share any employment plans.

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2012

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I can completely understand where you're coming from - I got PG with my first just so I'd have a reason to be off work. It wasn't bullying per se, but I had anxiety attacks just thinking about work almost every day. I had nightmares about it. It was horrible.

That being said there are a few things I discovered that made things worse - much worse. And after getting those under control I was able to actually begin healing. First I discovered I had untreated HAshimotos disease (Thyroiditis) and under controlled hypothyroidism. The 1st 3 Drs I went to said I didn't need to worry - it would correct itself in a few months. The naturopath I saw told me what to take and things improved drastically. I'm not medicated for low thyroid and am able to function. I also found out I have celiac's disease and once going gluten-free the rest of my symptoms melted away. Now I only experience the regular old variety of fear, anger, sadness etc.

As for your son - don't compare him!! First and foremost you have a little boy with spunk - don't change that. A few books that really helped me with handling the preschool years were "Positive discipline for preschoolers", "How to talk so your kids will listen, and how to listen so your kids will talk". The first one is awesome with a chart in the middle to say if this is happening, you feel that, then do this."

Oh and if you're DH is open to the idea - tell him he needs to take charge and make the decisions right now. It isn't teaching anyone to give up or not to stand up for themselves. It's showing them that it's important to allow yourself time to heal, and that you don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not. It's okay to be hurt, it's also okay to honour and respect yourself enough to protect yourself. You will be a better wife and mother once you feel secure. You will not feel secure if you don't stretch yourself, but you don't have to go back to where you were. You can move in a different direction - before you're ready to do that, you might find it helpful to really take a look at what your triggers are,what gets you out of the house, and lifts you up, what lifts you up within the house: write these down and focus on lifting yourself up, and avoiding the triggers. After a few weeks of being lifted up you'll be able to slowly add in trigger areas. Go slow. Allow yourself the chance to feel afraid. There's nothing wrong with fear. Expect it - have a plan. Also aim to keep the trigger situation short. You don't want to overwhelm yourself. But there is no need to be around the person/people who bullied you. Do not put yourself int hat situation!! IT will not change, it will get worse. You don't need to feed their dark side!

Sarah - posted on 06/11/2012

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Thank you all for your kind words of support and suggestions. To answer your questions, Tracey, it will be difficult for me to continue in my current line of work. There are other specialties in my field, but I trained and selected the specialty I was in because of my passion for it (incidentally, my last position in this field in another town was my DREAM job, I had no complaints about it, did well, and LOVED every day I was there for the gift it was). If I choose to stay in my field of work, I will have to change specialties, which is not easy because my specialty is much different than anything else in my field of work, or move out of town. In fact, the building itself that I need to work in causes me so much anxiety to even be in I get panic attacks, so it will be very difficult. I am going to be applying for a job with our church. I'm hoping maybe just getting out there doing something totally different might help me.

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Mandy - posted on 06/12/2012

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Sarah you are being to hard on yourself. All children go through times when they act up. All your children need is your love and support which you give them. This is what makes you a terrific mum.From experience children feel what we are feeling even if we don't think they do. The best thing you can do for your children is to get better yourself. You sound like you are seeking all the right avenues to do this.
You have to feel that you have done the right thing by you by not returning to your previous profession. It is a brave thing to admit that you are not coping and I wish you the best of luck in getting better.

Jodee - posted on 06/12/2012

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oh my gosh your not doing any thing wrong ,little boys and girls muck up ,.as for your other issues .is there may be a mothers group or play group near you , and if your doctor wont help find one who will , i dont know where you live but in australia your former employers are liable ,engage a lawer or contact work cover ,they and the bully need to be held accountable . good luck xx

Gemma - posted on 06/12/2012

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There's nothing wrong with you. All of us, women & men sometimes have moments when we feel the world has tumbled down on us. I have a friend who was literally bed-ridden for 2 years but the docs couldn't diagnose her ailment. Her labs were ok. Then a psychiatrist gave a box of ProVitality from GNLD Intl (Golden Neo-Life Diamite, Fremont, California). They're just nutritional supplements researched and developed by Stanford scientists who have pioneered cellular nutrition way back 1958. (Lipids from whole grains, Salmon Oil Plus Omega3, Carotenoid complex) Salmon Oil Plus is brain food & helps fight depression and also very good for children with behavior problems. Probably the nutrition filled the holes in her diet. She recovered "miraculously" and my friend is now a successful entrepreneur.You can surf the web for gnld.com. Then the Psychiatrist gave her spiritual support as well. Each of us is a child of God. With special gifts no other person has. Even those who are differently abled. No one has the right to trample our dignity, our personhood. Get spiritual advice, strengthen your soul & character. You're OK.

Katrina - posted on 06/12/2012

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Sarah, that's a great idea. Well done for getting up and trying. I know all too well how hard it can be just to go and do something. Just one step at a time. Keep smiling. Let us all know of your progress and we will be here when you need us! xxx

Tracey - posted on 06/11/2012

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I guess the hardest part of being bullied is replaying what happened in your head and then the thought of returning to where it happened... THe problem with replaying what happened and what was said or done is that it starts to chip away at your identity and the thought of returning is painful if you really believe you have no other choice. As i read, i wondered, do you have another choice? can you return to a workplace within your profession, but not to that place where such a problem was? For me I am going through many issues: pregnant without the father wanting to be a part of it and also being recently divorced from him (not my choice) really bad nausea, low motivation levels, unfulfilled career goals, overly busy, overwhelmed, low income... when i mix it all together it all seems just too hard to contemplate.. But.. my solice is God. Sometimes, like at the moment, I want to give up on my faith, but where else is there to go. I find that if i just start talking away, then at some point in the day, he will visit me with a really warm feeling all over my body (which will bring assurance plus physical and emotional healing in an instant) or He will talk to me through words I see, or movies or a song or a word someone says to me. I find that though life can be a dissappointment, if I just continue to call out to my Father in Heaven I can find new perspectives on any issue. In fact I am going to do that right now... I hope some of what I've said helps... will check back in to see how you are going and will pray for you to get some clarity in all this...

Paulette - posted on 06/11/2012

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First I want to say I'm sorry your going through this. About your work, my husband went to college for computers and he liked doing it but he was going through depression. He finally decided to change things in his life and quit his job. He went into construction and started to work for his dad. Things got better for him. Maybe you could take a different profession. No one says you have to do one career, sometimes it just doesn't work out like that.

Now about your son. First, your the BEST mother they will ever have. NO ONE else will do a better job loving them! With that said, I have a daughter that was like that. She was so sweet but when she didn't get her way, she was horrible, throwing herself to the floor and would bang her head on the floor, scream and yell. My oldest never did that. It is NOT your fault! It's his personality and you have to deal with it in a different way. Timeout worked with my oldest but my daughter would just get worse. I started to take things she liked. She like to pick out her clothes, well as a punishment she wouldn't be able to the next day. I would take her favorite toys away. It might take a little time but stick with it. My daughter really started to act better. She's 5 now and acts so much better. Of course she has her moments. Timeout work better, we have to wait till she calms down and we can talk to her. I hope that helps and encourages you. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 06/10/2012

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A hostile work environment can be very difficult to deal with. Sometimes the best way to get back your confidence is to change the situation. For example, let's say your job was inside sales at a company. You may not be able to go back to that business, but you could try a job in another. Let's say that seems too much (which is very definitely the case), then you break that up into steps that are a little more challenging but still do-able. Start with something like taking a class on interviewing skills. This still gets you out of the house, you are actively working on improving your employment skills and opportunities. This is a step to improving your confidence. It doesn't have to be that step exactly but something that breaks your bigger goal up into smaller more manageable tasks, aimed at rebuilding your confidence and improving your skills.

Maybe you should change your therapist to someone who focuses on behavior therapy. They don't so much focus on dealing with the emotions, but more on changing your behaviors to be successful.

Tami - posted on 06/10/2012

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Sweetheart, you are not alone. I know many of those same feelings. I have heard many of those same things from those around me. Wondering why I can't work when they can't see anything wrong with me. Or telling me that I need to suck it up and get over it. I have battled with OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder for most of my life and I can only occasionally get a grip on it. I have been constantly told how to be a mom, how to be a person, what my responsibilities should be, and what I should do. Only on my good days do I realize that no one can help me but me. Medicine didn't work, therapy didn't work, only going through the bar motions and a lot of praying has helped. I had to have faith and try to figure things out without everyone else telling me what to do. I simply take it one day at a time. Somedays are bad. Some good. Sometimes I need to plop my 2 1/2 year old in front of the tv and sit down and cry just to get through it. Whatever anyone tells me concerning the tv thing, idk sometimes it helps and it is needed. I also know that I have to take over being mommy. I know my son better than anyone. I know when he needs something and when he is crying just cause he doesn't get his way. I know I will not hurt him and I know I need to believe in myself as a mother to be a good mother. Not listen to everyone else. I am also gonna try selling Mary Kay or Avon just to get me out of the house. Spending every minute of the day couped up in my house with just ky son for company is only making me worse. I need to get out more. Something like that might be a good step tor you as well. It might help you to get back to the job you once cared so much for. Remember that you are not alone. Have faith and breathe. And it is ok to stick your child in their room just so you can have a time out.

Shelly - posted on 06/10/2012

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You sound like me when I had my Postpartum depression. Sooooo lost. No will. No ability to decide. It was awful.

First, just realize the people in your life have no frame of reference for understanding what you're going through. It's ok. Take your time. Get healthy. And then you can help them understand. They can't right now. Don't feel like a failure when they ask you about going back to work. It's their failure to understand.

For you, I recommend talking to a naturopath. See if you can find one you can visit. It was the combination of traditional meds, therapy, and hormones and vitamins that got me back on track. Just meds and therapy weren't doing it. Especially with a lot of stress, our bodies can become messed up on a hormone level and we need to fix that too. Also look for things you can find interest in. Rather than just work and kids, is there a hobby you have enjoyed or think you might? Something you can look forward to in the future? Sometimes it doesn't take much, but looking toward something positive in the future can help us start seeing new possibilities in the future we had not seen before. Like a job you might want (regardless of your current education).

For your son, try reading the book "1-2-3 Magic". Sometimes kids know when things are a little crazy and capitalize on that. Maybe if you infuse some calm consistency into his discipline, he will calm down a bit.

And just know you're not alone. I was "lost" for 18 months. But you can come back. One day, you will be fine again.

Good luck!!

Kellie - posted on 06/10/2012

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I have no answers for any of this but I do want you to know that I am someone out there who understands. I was bullied for a year in what was supposed to be my dream job, I also studied at univesity for four years and worked in my profession for up to ten when I finally scored my dream job as was employed as the right hand person to the our teams manager. So exciting but it ended up been the job from hell. He bullied me and lied to other senior managers, he kept all the good work for himself and would work to five in the morning if he had to, instead of farming it out to his team. It was the worst year of my life and it takes a long time to get over it. I took this to HR and they tried to send him on leadership courses but it is so hard to fire people where I am from. In the end I resigned and left a year to the day I was first employed and two other team members followed a month later. I found a really good job to move on to, but during the year at the awful job my esteem was so low and I could not sleep. I was taking all sorts of medication, like low dose sleeping pills, I tried herbal ones first I was also getting acupunture etc. When I started my new job I could still feel the damage, and I never got my confidence fully back, I didn't have the same passion that I used to for my career. In the end I took a year off work and went back to university and did a post-grad in another field. I absolutely love my career change and I am back on board with my career and family. I don't have any answers but I do know how you feel and maybe going back to uni or taking a different career pather might not be such a bad thing. I do know that as much as I am again more confident it has left a life long scar that will never quite heal, but somehow I think it will just make me stronger. All the best and don't give up your family love you x

Pamela - posted on 06/10/2012

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Rather than spend your time and money on a psychologist or psychiatrist's couch, check out this self help technique:www.thetappingsolution.com It is a simple technique that you can apply for all of your ailments.



Another source for the same technique can be found at:www.projecttapping.com/online-training/replay. This replay is available NOW, but i do not know how long it will be available. Do check it out as soon as possible.



BTW, I have just recently learned this technique and it has been an excellent cure for a number of issues I have been dealing with, including insomnia!



It's time to learn how to fix yourself! The highest and best to you.

Barbara - posted on 06/10/2012

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Talk to you son, tell him that his behaviour is upsetting. Maybe there is a reason he acts out, try to figure out what triggers these periods of bad behaviour

Hannah - posted on 06/09/2012

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I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. Some days I feel like everything I do is wrong. That nothing works. After my son was born I was feeling similar to you. That someone else could do a better job being his mommy. I sat in a rocking chair, rocking the baby and cried. My husband was not home so I told God how I felt. The next day at church I was talking to a friend. Her oldest child is my age. She told me that when he was born she felt the exact same way. I hadn't told her I was having any problems at all. She used my exact words. I looked at her children. Three where successful adults and one was about to graduate from high school. I realized that if she had felt the same way and had been able to raise wonderful children then I possibly stood a chance. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I don't like to preach at people but since you asked how I got over it, a lot of prayers and the love and support of my husband, family and friends.

Lindsay - posted on 06/09/2012

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wow, you poor thing! i haven't read other replies but didn't want to read and run. firstly your 3 and a half year old sounds like every other normal 3 and a half year old including mine! your problem is you are feeling so overwhelmed with everything else your struggling to cope when he is acting up, and i should imagine he's picking up on your anxiety which doesn't help. you are his mom and no one will do a better job raising him than you. you need to try and ignore others advice about ADHD etc and continue with what you are doing (though perhaps not the spanking!) work out what behaviours you think are unaccaptable decide a few punishments and stick to it consistantly. i found confiscating my daughters faveourite toy works wonders. i give her an oppotunity to change her behaviour and if she doesn't Brian goes on the shelf! she now knows i will follow through and so her decision to behave or continue to be naughty is hers she knows the consequences!
next you need to get help for your anxiety and depression, obviously meds are not the answer but how about phoning the samaritans. they'll talk through your issues with you and even be able to point you in the direction of help that you need and will find useful, which i suspect is to rebuild your confidence.
you need to sit down with your hubby and properly talk. explain to him that this situation is not of your making nor your fault. that you're struggling to find your own way out of your anxiety, which given everything you've been through is not surprising, that you understand that it's been going on a while and is maybe frustrating for him but right now you need his support and understanding and his help to rebuild your confidence. i do think returning back to your current place of work is a bad idea, when you are ready to return to work perhaps you should hand in your notice and look for a job elsewhere, even if it's a menial one. it will be important for you to return to a stress free envirenment.
and finally try and find a hobby just for yourself, suh as a dance class or an art class, something that gets you out of the house for a few hours a week doing something you enjoy.
you haven't done anything wrong, you've been the victim of some appalling behaviour and you need to try and discover some avenues od support. and don't be afraid of a move or change, because logically it couldn't be worse right?
take care of yourself and your little one i'm sure you're doing a stand up job with him
xxx

Ronda - posted on 06/09/2012

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You need to be firm with your son, not to the point of driving him away or breaking his spirit, but loving firm. You will not be moved firm. Be consistent. If you have a method of punishment, or an instance where you punish, be consistent in following that "rule" all the time or he will see the chink in your armour and take advantage of that! As for the rest you need to recognize your self-worth!!! Go to church, take up a hobby that finds fulfillment in something you enjoy, buy an outfit you feel beautiful in! Read the bible, find out what it says about how precious you are!! Think about quitting your job for now until your strong enough. Work on getting stronger, it's not going to fall in your lap or "just happen' to you....you need to grab happiness with both hands and NOT LET GO! ~hug~

Rebecca - posted on 06/09/2012

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Are you getting counseling? I see you have gone to your dr. Had some diagnosis but you need some help getting back on your feet again.Weekly appointments for awhile. Your son is going to be fine. It is a challenging age. Try not to let others judgments affect you too greatly. You are his Mom you know what is best for him.keep him active. Lots of outdoor play. You know the drill. It is normal for us to worry about our children . We are hard wired that way. It makes us Moms. Be good to yourself. Take baths.Read a book. Excersise. Enjoy time out with friends. Make time for you. You can do it. I believe in you.When you are ready to work again go slow. Possibly part time. It is so hard to raise a family and work full time. I refuse to do it.Anything more than 28 hours makes my whole family cranky.Take good care.Remember I am on your side.

Amber - posted on 06/09/2012

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It sounds like your home is as stressful as your work environment based on the current circumstances. The fact that you are upset about the current situation compounded with the fact that you feel you have failed as well as your husband's feelings about you not working has created somewhat of a snowball effect. You're emotionally "buried" by circumstance which is also affecting those around you, even your son. First thing is to "do something." Being paralyzed by fear will only keep you where you are. Start small and work up to some of your major decisions. You also have to begin by knowing you will fall from time to time so be prepared for that. It's not about how many times you're knocked down but how many times you get back up. You have to empower yourself by digging your way out of your emptiness. People suck sometimes. Unfortunately bullies spot weakness of any kind and exploit it. Children also spot weakness in parents. They push boundaries and act out when the environment they live in is not one of calm. They pick up on emotions and tension. You have to project your authority to your child. Be calm and do not match his emotional intensity. You show that his behavior affects you, he sees it as weakness. You can be stern but gentle. My niece was acting out and I gently placed her in a seated position on the couch. She continued until she realized she wasn't getting a reaction as well as the fact she wasn't getting up until she calmed down. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't spank her, but the tone of my voice let her know there was no room for argument.
Reach out to your community and become an advocate for office policies against bullying or other unprofessional behavior. You have to project an attitude that you cannot be broken. Bullies are in reality weaker individuals who hate themselves, so they want others to feel as badly as they do.
Take the time you need to recover, but venture out into the world again because there are some people who are worthwhile. Your husband misses you and your son needs you.

Anne Marie - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sarah I feel for you sinecerly. I too had to take a stress leave from work, though I was not bullied it was due to my son being bullied at school, he is now 20 almost 21 and still has effects from the bullying. My stress leave lasted 2 years so don't feel bad about a year, Ihave heard of some taking 3 or 4 years. One thing that helped be out is I would only deal with one thing at a time. Today I am working on.... It is hard to put other items on hold or out of your mind but life can become overwhelming. It is really important that you take time for yourself, yes hair appointment pedicures and massages are great but something that people often for get about is just sitting and vegging, taking time to breathe. It is okay to ask someone you trust to take your son for a few hours or a day. Does he have any grandparents that would take him for a sleep over? It is true that he feels your emotions even when you think he doesn't so letting someone take him is a treat for him and for you, and it is a treat to get back together. It is okay to tell your kids you just need a few minutes of peace and quiet, give them a quiet activity to do, a TV show, colorring what ever it is they like. TV is okay at this time.

I am so glad to hear that your husband took time to listen and understand. So often they don't understand because they see it differently. I have to say my husband understood some days then didn't seem to the next. So if that happens just try and tell yourself he understood before and he will understand again, it is him not you.

One friend I knew would write down all the possitive things that would happen to help focus on what was good that day. Even if it was a good meal, something accomplished ie one whole load of laundry, dishes cleaned once. etc. Write down the possitive things your kids do. I am sure there are things you are doing that are possitive but being so overwhelmed it is hard to see them. If you can't ask your husband to write them down.

Be there for yourself, and you will be there for others. Reach out to others for help, let them know what it is you need. Take care, hope this was a help.

Leanne - posted on 06/09/2012

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Honey, you are doing nothing wrong. I've got a 3 year old who does, in fact, have ADHD. So by you saying he acts up at least once a day, that right there just says he doesn't - my son acts up ALL day. Some kids are worse than others at listening and behaving, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. When they're like my son, who not only doesn't listen or behave, but can't sit still, doesn't sleep as long as he should, can't even sit through a meal....yeah, that's something wrong. But the biggest thing is YOU know your child - YOU know when something is wrong. Noone who is only around your child for a little bit can say "there's something wrong with him". I've had the opposite happen to me. I KNEW there was something wrong with my son, but I had some of my friends telling me there wasn't - I even had one former friend tell me that I was the one with the problem, he acts like any 3 year old, I just want there to be something wrong with him and I'm a bad mother for freaking out. So I know how you feel. It all comes down to YOU are the mother. You know him better than anyone. Don't feel bad telling someone next time "I appreciate your concern, but I am his mother, I have his best intrests at heart, and I do not see anything seriously wrong with him."
Now, as far as the job thing - you need to tell everyone to shut up about it. None should be asking you when you're going to start working again. You can't work until you are in a healthy emotional and mental place, so that you can actually handle the day-to-day. Right now, you're barely handling life at home - how are you supposed to handle the stress of a job? Keep working on you. You can't be a good parent or a good worker if you're not a healthy and stable YOU first. Focus on getting yourself together, getting treatment, figuring out how to cope again. I know what it feels like to feel like you've disappointed everyone - I became a mom at 18, pregnant at 17. But I figured out that it's not going to stop me from being a good parent, being a good person, and working my butt off to provide for my kids. At the end of the day, someone else's disappointment only matters if you let it. NOONE CAN WALK ON YOU IF YOU DON'T LAY DOWN. Remember that you are loved. And don't be like me, afriad to make a decision because you're afraid of making a mistake. Sometimes you've just gotta take a leap of faith. it's the scariest thing you will do sometimes, but if you don't, you're just going to be stuck in the same hole forever.

Aimee - posted on 06/09/2012

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3 yr old's act up ... my 3 yr old beat me up on the side of the road and in a shopping mall. Three year old's don't have the words to explain how they feel so they use their hands. From what I read it sounds like you are down about everything and maybe you would see things differently if you were at a different place. This might sound a little crazy but why not try and write your bully a letter. Taking back your power. You dont sent it, you dont even need to keep it. But sometimes saying what needed to be said is the best medicine. Then I would write yourself a letter allowing yourself to let go of everything, you could even write to the women who was being bullied and tell her what she needed to do and what you wanted her to do. This is how I took back my power after a very hurtful ordeal that happened to me that almost ended my career. Good luck and best wishes on your future. You are worth a lot more then you know! You have more strength then you! I am sorry that you have to struggle with this.

[deleted account]

My daughter was like that too - until we cut out wheat and voila! Angel child! It could be a food allergy/sesitivity. Try cutting out wheat, or suga for a couple days at least, just to check

Colleen - posted on 06/09/2012

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Hi, I know,I've been there and all I can tell you is that it gets better!Try rewarding your son for good behavior with a chart he can keep track of and see his successes.Make it colorful and with tangible rewards such as his favorite foods,toys etc.I had a Day Care in my home for 7 years and these tactics worked for me.As far as your feeling of self-worth,a night out with your husband or a good friend does wonders for your morale and if we live close enough,I would love to be your friend to talk to or even to go out with.In the meantime,you have my prayers and best wishes for your continued healing of your heart and your mind,Sarah!God Bless you and your family.

MELINDA - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sarah, I was bullied at work as well. It is not something you just get over, however as time goes on it does get easier. I was a teacher who had been transferred due to low enrollment to a new school. Let's just say it was one of the worst expierences of my life. I was not the only one bullied. I have a dear friend who was as well and she had a miscarriage due to all the stress. I hid out for about a year because I was completely unable to do anything other than care for my son and myself. As time went on I did want and need to go back to work. I have a job now which I love and supervisors who value and care for me. It is not easy and I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you conitnue to work through your fears. You might try volunteering in a position similar to yours or doing some other volunteer work. It will help boost your confidence and give you somehting new to focus on.
As for your son, like you said be consistent in your discipline. If time outs are not working start taking things away. I do this with my son and he hates losing his Nintendo and toys so are rarely have to do it. Usually just a reminder of the consequences and he straightens up. Family is well meaning, however they are not in your shoes. People are quick to judge especially families. Keep your chin up and know you are doing your best.

MELINDA - posted on 06/09/2012

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Sarah, I was bullied at work as well. It is not something you just get over, however as time goes on it does get easier. I was a teacher who had been transferred due to low enrollment to a new school. Let's just say it was one of the worst expierences of my life. I was not the only one bullied. I have a dear friend who was as well and she had a miscarriage due to all the stress. I hid out for about a year because I was completely unable to do anything other than care for my son and myself. As time went on I did want and need to go back to work. I have a job now which I love and supervisors who value and care for me. It is not easy and I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you conitnue to work through your fears. You might try volunteering in a position similar to yours or doing some other volunteer work. It will help boost your confidence and give you somehting new to focus on.
As for your son, like you said be consistent in your discipline. If time outs are not working start taking things away. I do this with my son and he hates losing his Nintendo and toys so are rarely have to do it. Usually just a reminder of the consequences and he straightens up. Family is well meaning, however they are not in your shoes. People are quick to judge especially families. Keep your chin up and know you are doing your best.

Katrina - posted on 06/09/2012

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Inever got bullied at work but I wasbullied all my life and also had difficult things happen in my life that left me with a number of mental illnesses - including depression and anxiety. Firstly I would get back toyour doctor and get on some kind of medication (if you're not still taking it),sometimes it can take a few attempts to find the medication that can hel. Medication only takes the edge off and for some people it doesn't even dothat, but,it can help if something else goes wrong - like a bad day. Medication will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING if you don't get professional help. Seeing a psychologist/councellor can help. Sometimes it seems silly to talk to a stranger about how you feel, but what it does is allows your feelings ad thoughts to come out, rather than to let them fester inside you. These professionals are trained to ask the right questions, to help you to see reality for yourself. Also, keeping a journal can be helpful in getting things off your chest, and I found it helpful (eventually) to make myself fing 3 things that made me happy, or thatI was greatful for, each dayat the end of my journal entry. Going for a brisk walk (to get your heart pumping but not so you're out of breath) can help. Getting Vitamin D from the sun, as someone before me has suggested. Take a "B Multivitamin" and start your day with a sweet milky drink. These things all helped me. I am no longer on my medication as of a few years ago, and while I still have my bad days, I'm depression free now.

As for your son, he is 3 and a half, he's going to act out. If you feel there is more going on than just terrible 2's/3's get him seen by a paediatrician. Don't believe FOR A SECOND that you are a failure mum. You camehere asking for help, which isthe bravest and best thing a mum can do. Asking for, and needing help is something we will ALL encounter as parents. It's acknowledging it, and doing something about it that makes you AMAZING!!!

Strategiesthat have helped me with my children's difficult behaviour are things like when they act up and "choose" not to do what they are told, when they want a treat, or go to the park, etc "sorry, today you ..... and that was not ok. We will not be...." Making sure they understand your requirements are important so minimal words. Also, if you are not feeling the best, your kids will pick up on that and maybe he feels a bit uncertain because things are "not quite right". He may need reassurance that Mum has his back, so to speak. Praise him for his "effort" as often as possible. Even if it's for something minor, let him know you're proud of him every chance you get.

Sorry for it being so long. Lastly, if you have someone who can take him for an hour or so, go get your hair done etc. Or just get some time out for you. If you are not able to work, then please don't push yourself. Be kind to you, and try to get some "me" time. All the best xxx

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You are in charge of your own life, not anyone else. If you going back to your profession would cause you daily misery, don't do it! Maybe you should start to think about what else you are good at, what other job you could do. Also, you need to think of your children. Do you really feel able to work until they start school? If not, you need to be home with your children. Work can wait. If your husband does not understand, you need to try to explain. Take ownership of your life and let him know that you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.

Also, with your son, make sure that your husband treats you with respect in front of your children. If your husband says things that are disrespectful or treats you as less in any way, your son will pick up on this. I have had this problem with my husband, but fortunately he has cottoned on how his behaviour influences our children and he has changed a bit. As well you need to respect yourself and your authority with your children. You are their mother and you are doing a good job. With my son, what has worked for us is taking away his favourite toy or DVD if he continues to misbehave. That usually works, but every child is different. You will have to find what works for your son.

I was bullied too when I was at school and it has affected me even now. I struggle with self-confidence. My husband doesn't really understand, but then again he struggles with self-confidence too, he just doesn't realise it. I went to university to be something, but I ended up being something less because I lacked the confidence. In the end, I have chosen a new career path and I have realised my own worth through parenting my children. You don't have to be a professional to have value. Your value is in how you love and care for your family and how you help those around you. That is far more important than a career. I hope it all works out for you and that you get the help you need. I hope you get the support you need from your husband. And I hope you learn to appreciate yourself again, because you are not a failure.

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Ok, look. I am a Christian too. And I have tried everything , trying to give it all up to God and let Him take control. And I believe in that to a point. I think ahold uses people to help you as well.nBecause sometimes you need flesh and blood people to help you out. So, there you go! Best to you, dear friend!

Lanette - posted on 06/08/2012

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You son feels your emotions so if you are upset and isnt feeling your self your son feel that... I have never been where you are althought i have been depressed.. but you know what PRAYER works and finding someone who will listen and not judge you has work for me. but what will work is talking to God he is only who can help you with this..., start a journal and write down everyday how you feel.. also this what help the most.. its called soaking prayer... I get a blank and pillow and get into a quiet place dark room and I close my eyes and say this God take full control of my thought while play some relaxing music.. I really Please try it for 30day and let me know how its worked out for you... here is more on soaking prayer... Question: "What is soaking prayer?"



Answer: Since the 1990s there has been an increased focus on mysticism within various segments of Christianity. Bordering on the esoteric, these mystical experiences broaden the division between a "factual faith" and a "felt faith," and threaten to replace sound biblical teaching with emotion-driven response. Soaking prayer is one such mystical activity. It is described as resting in God's presence. This is accomplished by playing some gentle worship songs, either sitting or lying down, and praying short, simple prayers for an extended period of time, but otherwise keeping your mind free of other thoughts. At the point when you sense God's presence through some type of manifestation like tingling skin, a sensation of heat or cold, or even a gentle wind seemingly blowing through your body, you are to just "soak" in that presence.



Although that might sound a little strange to some, it does not immediately come across as being necessarily bad. However, the rule by which we measure our experiences in life is the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16-17), and when soaking prayer is examined accordingly, we find that it comes up wanting for biblical support. Nowhere in the Bible can a model of prayer be found that soaking prayer follows.



Prayer in its simplest form in the Bible is calling on the name of the Lord (Genesis 4:26), and in each instance where it is found in Scripture, it is descriptive of communicating with God. Soaking prayer starts that way, but quickly devolves into a trance-like meditative state. This is when soaking prayer ceases to be biblical and becomes more like a New Age practice or something an adherent of Hinduism would participate in.



There is no denying that experiencing the presence of God can be powerful and life changing. It is not the goal of soaking prayer that is biblically off base; it is its methodology. Soaking prayer focuses on obtaining a spiritual high by seeking out the presence of God through mystical exercises. In this it is very similar to ”contemplative prayer” and contemplative spirituality, which are equally unbiblical. Biblical prayer is talking to God with His will in mind (1 John 5:14). A biblically praying believer already understands that God's presence is always with him (Psalm 139:7; Matthew 28:20; 1 Corinthians 6:19; 1 Thessalonians 4:8; 2 Timothy 1:14), and he doesn’t need to experience any type of physical sensation to prove it.

[deleted account]

By the way, I have been through almost the exact things you have mentioned! And there have been so many days where I wanted to escape / end it all! Everyone in my immediate family died and those deaths in addition to 7 others contributed to my PTSD! Fiind some DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, if you can! Best thing ever that I did for myself, bar none! And I have no money, and a husband and 5 yr.mold and 2 1/2 year old. Do it anyway! I still owe everyone but am SO much better! TOTALLY worth it!!! God bless you!!!!!!!

[deleted account]

You need to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Forgetwhat EVERYONE else says and help YOU!!!! Then you can be where you need to help others around you. What you described could have been me. I was diagnosed with PTSD, andna few other things after going to the Dr. For panic attacksand anxiety. If you do not take care of yourself at this stage, you will end up in the hospital like I did. See a psychiatrist, the best you can afford. Look into DBT therapy. You will be so glad tou did. And if you need medications, go for it, no matter what Anyone else says!!! But pay to get a damned good doctor, even if you have very little money, like we did! Better to dothat than settle for someone less who doesn't Know what they are doing and end up in the hospital like I did! Also, look for DBT therapy if you can find it! LIFE CHANGING!!!

Joy - posted on 06/08/2012

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First of all, you are the best parent for your child. God doesn't make mistakes and He gave you that precious soul to look after. You are excatly what that child needs. My daughter skipped the terrible 2's and had the HORRID 3's so your son is normal and your doing a great job.



Secondly, I also had a horrible experience at a job. I was completely nick picked to death and one coma out of place sent me to be written up. My manager even told me the day I found out I was miscarrying that I shouldn't be sad cause it wasn't a baby anyways, and that at least I don't have to take 6 weeks off for Maternity leave, and that was her on a good day. I understand the bullying. Its hard to get over, and if I was you, I would get a job in a differnt industry. If it was something you enjoyed then I would put testers out for jobs like that and do parttime or temp jobs to see if you can find a place that would fit you better.



As for your husband. Comminication is key. Just keep talking and expressing your thoughts and feelings to him. Let him tell you his concerns and feelings to and try not to take them as a personal attack. Maybe he is just stressed out with all he has to do that he just gets frustrated at you, even though he has not reason. Just stress. If he can talk it out maybe he will see its not you he is wanting to get a job, but that he is just feeling inadequte with his job.. and talking can help him to stop harping on you to do that, and encourage him that you think he is doing a great job and that you have his back as his spouse.



With your kids, let them be kids and just do your best. As long as you love them and discipline (not punish) your kids they will grow up to be good citizens and well rounded adults. Loving them is what they need and a good schedule. Most kids crave schedules, routines. Its the only thing that helped my daughter to behave at times i thought she wouldn't.



Stress effects everyone around you and I know you are doing your best, just know that it does effect everyone else too. With that said their are things that your doctor can tell you to do that would help ease stress in your life. I find the best way to get rid of stress is to play with my kids and pray. Moving is a huge deal so if your finding problems with making choices with it, a good thing you can do is ask those you know to tell you about places you are thinking of moving to and doing research into the area via the internet, phone calling companies and people you may know in the area. Get honest thoughts. Ask realtors as well if they would live in that area and research what type of people generally live in the area. That would help. I am in the process of moving myself and this is what i am doing. It helps to get others thoughts and to pick the mind the professionals who sell homes for a living. (My grandpa was a realtor and he knew which places were good and bad to live in). Being that they are not your realtor and have nothing to gain or lose by telling you where to live, asking a realtor you are not using is a good idea. (ask several)



I will pray for you.

Joy

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2012

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Lets see, I started my job and immediately they began laying off other employees, because I ported my seniority from another workplace, my job was stable, but I constantly had people telling me they didn't want to work with me because I shouldn't be there, their friends who got laid off should be. I had someone make up lies about me, others telling me they were watching me for any mistake so they could use it against me, I was set up to fail, singled out and belittled in front of people, told my opinion didn't matter because I was new (when I did complain), told I should go to another workplace, I wasn't welcome (by management), told I couldn't pump after I returned from mat leave in the staff room because it made people uncomfortable - told to pump in a room with a window off a main hallway which affected my supply, put down in front of clients, threatened my job security, the list goes on. I couldn't leave because within 3 months of starting here I found out I was pregnant and there were no positions available in my company, let alone for a pregnant woman.

I didn't post on here because I was looking for someone to put me down further Theresa. Thank you for making me feel even worse about myself. In the future, if you see someone who is obviously emotionally fragile, please don't take the opportunity to push them down even further. It's cruel and makes you no better than the bullies who forced me out of my job and destroyed my emotional stability.

Thank you for the suggestion Heather, but these emotional problems started more than a year after the birth of my daughter. My doc did consider it and did a trial of medication for 3 months, but took me off because it was doing nothing to change my symptoms. When depression is situational, medication usually is not effective (it's a different chemical change in the brain). I am awaiting the results from a psychologist. It was indicated that I may have a form of PTSD related to this situation.

Theresa - posted on 06/08/2012

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While this is hard for you what are you showing your children? Not to stand up for themselves? Hide when life gets rough? I'm not exactly sure how you were bullied at a place of employment since you could have been able to report it or leave. Sounds like you need to get help and take care of you first medically before trying to make decisions for your family. I am not trying to be mean. Let your husband take control and you take control of yourself. Maybe a new town is what you need to get past the problems at your job.

[deleted account]

I'm glad you were able to talk it over with your husband. I'm sure it will help a lot now that he's on the same page as you. Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2012

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Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. I think I was just overemotional yesterday after a few days of people reminding me of it. I sat down last night and was able to calmly explain my feelings to my husband. Basically, this is how I described it: I am so afraid of making another wrong decision (like moving here) that I am paralyzed with fear and unable to make one. I explained this as akin to having 1000 tarantulas crawling over my body (he's afraid of spiders - so am I). He said one would scare him, but I explained, it's not like 1, it's 1000. The fear has consumed me so much I can't move forward, back, sideways, any way. I know that my family loves me and wants to see me better which is why they always bring it up. But I explained it to him that it was traumatic to me. I told him if I was raped, no one would be reminding me about it every day. How is this different - I was emotionally raped. I think for the first time he has begun to understand a little of how I feel about this whole thing. I know he feels frustrated that he can't fix it, but I told him what I need is the space and freedom to talk about it when I'm ready, not talk about it on other people's time.

I truly appreciate the support. I really needed to vent and get that off my chest. I know my son is a normal 3 year old boy, I'm really going to remind myself of that next time I take responsibility for his behaviour.

[deleted account]

Lots of Vitamin D. Like 2000 IU or more. It is the sunshine vitamin and does wonders for depression.
Also, I have been on a product called 5HTP it is a herbal supplement type thing and I had an alternative practitioner reccommend this. It helps with the seratonin chemical in your body.

Depression is no fun, been there, however, not everything is your fault.

While I was reading your post I was thinking, if it is as bad as you feel your husband would not be concerned and asking about you going back to work. I would suppose that he doesn't know how to help and would like to see you at work to help you. That is what would help him, work.

3 1/2 yr old are a lot like dogs and cats. LET ME FINISH. They pick up on how we are feeling, even when we try to not let them see. They do pick up on the vibes. Being he has lots of energy, he will test his boundaries, like others have said. Consistency is the biggest thing at this point in his life. Take heart when other's compliment you on his behavior. You are the single person who has influence on how he acts around others. These are compliments to your mothering efforts.

Always keep in mind that ending things will not help your family. They are the most important. I have been there, I also knew that I could not help my kids from *over there*. Fight, fight, fight your way through. You will make it.

If you are not ready to go back to work, don't.
When you are ready to go back to work, don't go back, do something else, even if it is not what you trained for, even if it seems beneath what you think you should do. Whatever you do for work, be happy with that. Look forward to going to work. This is so much more important that what you bring home financially.

Sorry, I wasn't much help, but this is all within you and must be your decision. Be happy with yourself and your decisions. Don't overthink things. Be proud of your kids. Love your husband, he loves you. He is trying to help to the best of his knowledge. bB happy with that.

Felicity - posted on 06/08/2012

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Hi Sarah,



I haven't been through the same situation as yourself but I have suffered depression so I understand a little of what you are feeling. One thing that I felt a lot was that everybody blamed me for every little thing and that I wasn't doing things well enough. When I look back and talk to those around me at the time I know that this wasn't the case and was just how I perceived myself.



From what you have described above the main thing I want you to know is that You are a good loving and caring mother!!! Your family loves you because of who you are as a person!



Children do act up and like to push our buttons and I know with my two little ones it always seems to happen when I am tired or having a bad day. As the other mothers mentioned above, kids do pick up on tension and anxiety so that is probably all it is. For you to be asking for advice about your son shows again that you are a great mum who cares about her son and takes an interest in him.



With your husband... Yes you may feel that at the moment you are causing your husband extra stress and yes may be that is the case at the moment BUT remember relationships are about caring and helping each other. And just because you need more help at this time doesn't mean that in the past or in the future you are not going to be the one in the relationship being that pillar of strength. It is all about give and take.



With respect to your job.. these days it is very common for people to have multiple career changes. Most of my friends, and myself too, have all finished their university degrees, worked a little in that related field, gone back and studied some more and then taken a different direction. And all of us seem to have made the right decision for ourselves. It is very difficult when we are young to work out what you want to do for the rest of your life. So may be turn the negativity of not being able to go back to your job into a positive sign and take a new direction. It might be worthwhile to think about what you are interested in and see what is available in that field. Take your time though and take one step at a time. To ease yourself back into it, may be look for a part-time, low stress job just to get your confidence back.



I'm sorry for writing such a long reply but I just wanted to make a few suggestions and to highlight to you that everyone doesn't see you as a failure. You seem like a loving, caring, successful woman and mother who has been through some really unjust and unacceptable treatment.

Take care

xo

Sienna - posted on 06/07/2012

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3 year old acts out. It's what they do. He is testing boundaries and almost certainly responding because of your emotions!

Have you tried changes your diet? That's how we cured my husbands depression and anxiety. Up your dose of vitamins, double them Infact! And load up on fruits and vegetables, cut out all processed foods and cute way way back on meat and dairy!
Worth a try!

I hope this all gets better! Keep your head up!!!

Xo

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