What do I do when he's not ready for a baby and I am?

Joanna - posted on 06/04/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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My SO had a child at 18 with a gf from high school. His last wife tricked him and surprise 9 months later they had a child. Now we are together and we have agreed on 1 child to join his 7 yr old son. He says he isn't ready and thinks that it's all in his head that he can't be ready. I have been ready to have kids since before I met him, we have been together for 5 years. What can I do?

We have been talking about trying to plan one for 2 years and he gets all upset cause he just isnt ready. He's 34, and I'm 25.

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Jane - posted on 06/06/2009

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OH, my goodness!!!

All this hostiility!!! Are you guys done arguing??

Someone has asked for advice and dosn't need all this crap!!

Joanne: You partner just sounds afraid. You said yourself he was TRICKED into having his son and maybe he wasn't ready for that either.

See what happens after your 2 year plan is coming to a close. If he is still not sure/ready, maybe you should accept he dosn't want more kids and then you have to decide if this is the right guy for you.

You don't want to get pregnant and then have this guy leave you because of it. But in saying that, you can raise you baby alone (it isn't easy, but worth it)

Possibly he is worried about money? Babies are a very expensive luxury....



I hope everything works out ok for you. I hope you get to keep the guy and have children.

I am 35, happily married for 2 years and have a 15 month old daughter who I adore. I hope one day you get to experience that....

Good luck...

Charlotte - posted on 06/05/2009

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I recomend to wait for him to be ready even though he has a son already he may not be ready to have another one yet as he has been there before and it really changes your relationship with each other. Sadly for some it ruins their relationship and for the fortunate other like myself it bring you both together even more. He may of had a bad experience the first time. My husband and I have been together for just over 6 years now and now have 2 gorgeous twin boys who are 2 months old. We always knew we would have kids and I had been ready for along time but I needed my husband to be ready and one night he brought it up so we started to try and I think waiting for him was worth it. Watching him with the boys amazes me with how much he loves them and how protective he is with them. It is something amazing and it had brought us together so much more which I though couldn't be done as we were so close and happy before the boys came along. Beleive me when he tells you he is ready it makes it worth the wait. You will want him to be fully involved because he wants it. Good luck with everything. I just turned 26 to. My husband is also 34.

Betsy - posted on 06/04/2009

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Wow, planning a child the other parent says he doesn't want is probably the most selfish, immature and irresponsible thing I have ever heard of, and the main qualities a mother needs to have are being unselfishness, maturity and responsibility. Not a great start for a child's life.

To Joanna-He will appreciate you respecting his feelings and giving him space. You want your child to come when you are both ready and excited and share that new adventure together in a positive way. Keep the communication open. That's how all decisions in a (successful) marriage work. You decide together and respect each other. You said he was coming around, warming up to the idea, so when he decides he is ready, he will probably be really ready and really excited to take that journey with you :-)

Ashley - posted on 06/04/2009

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i think you are doin everything you can right now! the fact that you arent buggy about it i think will help a lot! i'm sure he will come around and like you said he's prob a little scared planning for it as we all are. just give him time and he will prob appreciate you more for that than what his other two ex's did to him!

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31 Comments

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Andriana - posted on 07/22/2009

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Sit down with him and talk about the why. WHY is he NOT ready. WHY you ARE ready. If you can't get to the bottom of the problem by yourselves, seek counseling, with profesional help, he might better understand the reason he is so reticent.

Joanna - posted on 07/22/2009

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wow thank you all for the positive comments it has put alot in perspective. :)

He actually came out and told me it had to do with an upcoming deployment that he didnt want to leave me alone while I was pregnant or for the birth.

Mel - posted on 06/15/2009

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Thanks Melissa! I love australia too! my sister in law did a double degree but cant get a job in the field she wants so has to work in a newsagency but when she does get the good job she wants she will pay it all back then. its great living here

Leigh - posted on 06/15/2009

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My brother used to say that he never wanted kids, never wanted the responsiblity, was never going to be tied down. Then he met a girl that got pregnant, which he claimed he was 'tricked into', because apparently she said she couldn't get pregnant. After being physically & mentally abusive towards the girl, he then got her pregnant again within 6 weeks of the first being born. Again she tricked him into getting pregnant, how I have no idea, because they'd just had one unplanned pregnancy. They are no longer together, and he takes the responsiblities of financially, emotionally & physically looking after his kids when he wants to, ie one fortnight he'll take them, the next he wont. Everytime I try to discuss with him the fact that his kids are getting older & are understanding what is going on, he always referts back to the fact that he was 'tricked' into having kids.

Please think about what your doing, and listen to what he is saying, he wants to wait until he is ready. Bringing children into a world where one parent is not ready is asking for your lifes journey to be a harder path than is required.

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I would say one of two things: Either it's time for you to end this relationship or you will have to accept that you won't have any children in the foreseeable future, if ever. If he's not ready, he's not ready and after 5 years if he's still not ready I wouldn't hold my breath. Definitely do not get pregnant behind his back. He'll be GONE. At 34 a guy generally has a pretty good idea of whether he wants more kids. Sounds to me like any "agreement" he makes is just to keep you around. I highly doubt he's going to come around. Sorry! I've seen it a million times.

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take his word for it and dont be one of those women who thinks she can change his mind. Dont force a child on him...how would you feel if he told you he was getting custody of all of the kids and you have to care for them. It irritates me to no end when women disregard their partners feelings. Would you like to feel trapped, he obviously has issues about not being listened to, and having two other women who disregarded him and his feeling have brought you to this impasse. The alternative to hearing him is raising a kid all by yourself when he hits the road...and there are so many inwanted children out there, do you want to add to that? My dad didnt ever want me and I have such a hole, is that what you want for your kids?

Melissa - posted on 06/06/2009

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Quoting Melissa:

haha it doesnt matter if you are married or not Betsy many people never get married so does that make them wrong to raise a family? so what if you have a career there are many women who chose to be a stay at home mother and it does not make them wrong. you are just uptight because you think you are better then everyone. doesnt make you a good person. my cousin is a good person she doesnt have a good uptight career. do you even know what being a good person is? its called being caring responsible being there for your friends and family in times of need and helping where ever you can. so what if i was a check out chick doesnt matter. my partner was happy for me to never work at all but i wanted do i worked til a week before i had my daughter and i havent been back since she was 7 months old. so what. many never go back. i cant put my daughter in child care nor would i want to at this age. we will have plenty of money to put ours kids thru college but over here we dont have to pay upfront you do your uni then when you get a good job later you pay it off. my fiance is an electrician so he will be just fine off for money thanks. oh and my partner said to tell you we were actually planning on having brianna go and get pregnant when shes 14 to some dude then live off him for the rest of her life hahaha.



Hi i kinda agree with melissa- being Uni educated doesnt determine how good a mother you will be. Also about the costs for uni just to add i think its something like $30,000-40,000 you have to earn before they make you pay it back- i love australia!!!!!!

Bridget - posted on 06/06/2009

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Quoting Betsy:

Why anyone is even bothering with youwhen it is clear you are mentally slow with an unstable mental state, I don't know. Just a little tip...before you can get a "good" job "later" to support a child, you do need to be literate and understand grammar, punctuational and basic sentence structure. Most have those basic skills prior to conception, but it helps with the job application. I do know a good mother and a good person doesn't break bones and hit an infant in the stomach, where their still developing organs are fragile. Do you share that information with your child's dietician and the hospitals like you did with the world here? You really should. Maybe they will agree with you, so you can prove to us those are good things.


 



It is fully a 2 person decision as the man has responsibilities sometimes it is whether or not to stay with him now as well, if you both want differant things and you are actually willing to be dishonest, trick him or in any way bring  a baby to life without his knowledge or cant respect his thoughts you may possibly not be right for each other. I guess you love himor you dont and it's not fair to bring a child into something so sneaky Id say either wait for him to be ready or move on. I hope this heps I know it can be so hard when you do not want the same things at the same time



 

Betsy - posted on 06/05/2009

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Why anyone is even bothering with youwhen it is clear you are mentally slow with an unstable mental state, I don't know. Just a little tip...before you can get a "good" job "later" to support a child, you do need to be literate and understand grammar, punctuational and basic sentence structure. Most have those basic skills prior to conception, but it helps with the job application. I do know a good mother and a good person doesn't break bones and hit an infant in the stomach, where their still developing organs are fragile. Do you share that information with your child's dietician and the hospitals like you did with the world here? You really should. Maybe they will agree with you, so you can prove to us those are good things.

Mel - posted on 06/05/2009

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haha it doesnt matter if you are married or not Betsy many people never get married so does that make them wrong to raise a family? so what if you have a career there are many women who chose to be a stay at home mother and it does not make them wrong. you are just uptight because you think you are better then everyone. doesnt make you a good person. my cousin is a good person she doesnt have a good uptight career. do you even know what being a good person is? its called being caring responsible being there for your friends and family in times of need and helping where ever you can. so what if i was a check out chick doesnt matter. my partner was happy for me to never work at all but i wanted do i worked til a week before i had my daughter and i havent been back since she was 7 months old. so what. many never go back. i cant put my daughter in child care nor would i want to at this age. we will have plenty of money to put ours kids thru college but over here we dont have to pay upfront you do your uni then when you get a good job later you pay it off. my fiance is an electrician so he will be just fine off for money thanks. oh and my partner said to tell you we were actually planning on having brianna go and get pregnant when shes 14 to some dude then live off him for the rest of her life hahaha.

Betsy - posted on 06/05/2009

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And you wonder why you are called immature? If you have something to say about my experience or career, why not share your own? Are you an educated woman ready to raise a family and earn enough to put all these kids you want back-to-back through college? That's part of the job. Any other mature moms advice young girls to get pregnant, whether you are married or not, with a guy who states clearly he doesn't want a baby, then cross your fingers and toes and hope he wants to stay and worship you forever, although he can't trust you. Any out there, maybe another mom were gives that advice to her teen daughter?

Mel - posted on 06/05/2009

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Samantha Thehy - try to ignore her she criticizes me to.your so right i had many say this to me. When they find out your pregnant they get used to the idea nad become the most amazing dads. you know your partner you know if he will be or not. my partner is not "ready" but he knows we are not using protection and knows when i tell him we have to have sex its because im ovulating. if the guy wasnt ready he'd take precautions. she tried to throw it in my face that i am immature and young and that shes been a mum for 20 years had this career blah blah blah. it doesnt mean shes better then you and she has no right to talk down on your and be unsupportive on here. message me if you ever want to talk.

To the OP - if he is 34 and says hes not ready its just because hes scared as my partner was but now he couldnt imagine life without his little girl. hes the best dad. does everything for her and with her from the moment he gets home.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/05/2009

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what are you a fucking therapist. you just wont stop. do you get off on this shit.
hows that for your happy fucking marriage.

Betsy - posted on 06/05/2009

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Readers will comment based on what you write, and that is the reaction from what you have shared. I do look at my life, over 20 yrs of a very happy, solid marriage, creating 6 children, burying our 2nd son, 2 professional careers and a very successful life together. We like OUR life, because as a married couple and a family, it becomes OUR life where we make life-altering decisions, like creating children and an 18 yr responsiblity, together, which has led to a very long happy solid marriage. Unfortunely marriages where the joining is difficult and each is more concerned with what *I* want, rather than *we* want, tend to have very limited success, not making the decade mark. There is a extreme difference between telling each other what to do and realizing the most importnant decisions of a shared life require joint agreement. Having children is foremost in the life-altering decision making for both adults. That normally is common sense.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/05/2009

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I have a four year old little boy, I also have a little girl that died when she was three months old. I have been able to keep my marriage alive for seven years lady. plus for two after my daughter died. My marriage has probably been through more than yours will in a life time. I treat my husband with respect he does what he wants, I do what I want and we support each other and our decisions. It is called trust. Which is what makes our family work. this is a site for suggestions not criticizm right? So maybe you should back off and look at your own life before you start criticizing others and their marriage. just because I live my life like I do doesn't make me a bad mother or wife. and my husband would stick up for that.

Betsy - posted on 06/04/2009

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LMAO!! When a decision is made to create a child and when life decisons are made at all when married, it is BOTH your lives. That's sort of the entire point of marriage...to share your lives with respect and compromise. It's also not just your life, besides your husband, it's also the child's life. When we have the "mine, mine, mine" attitude, we stay single and childless, when we mature and are ready to want and be capable to compromise, respect and consider other's needs and wishes, we get married and have kids. LOL good luck for a long marriage. I certainly wouldn't have stayed married for 20 yrs to a man who threw fits saying "I can do what I want and don't care how you feel, even though it's your life and future." If I wanted that, I would have stayed single and adopted a 3 yr old.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/04/2009

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REALLY, I HAPPEN TO BE A GREAT MOTHER, I JUST DONT RESPECT MEN TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE., ANY ONE FOR THAT MATTER. IF I WANT A BABY I CAN HAVE ONE. I DONT NEED A MAN TO TELL ME THAT I CAN OR CANT HAVE ONE. AND MY HUSBAND APPARENTLY DIDNT CARE MUCH.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/04/2009

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ITS NOT TRICKING HIM IF HE KNOWS ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM I WAS OFF BIRTH CONTROL.

Joanna - posted on 06/04/2009

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He wants another child he just isn't ready to have another right now and he doesn't know why. I will never trick him into it. I bring up the subject once every couple of months since doing that he is becoming more open to it. I think he is just scared of planning for it, instead of being a surprise like his other 2.

Ashley - posted on 06/04/2009

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i'm not saying that. what i am saying is to not trick him into it. why is that right? why is it right for women to trick their partners into having a child when they are telling you they arent ready for one. it's not right and by telling her to do it anyways i'm sorry but that's just wrong to say to someone. so if she does it anyways and he leaves her, then what?? he'll be the asshole and the deadbeat father meanwhile it wasnt his fault. sorry it's just wrong to give out advice to someone about tricking a man into having a baby

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/04/2009

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WHEN ARE YOU EVER READY. I REALY TRULY BELIEVE THAT NO ONE IS READY TO EVER HAVE A CHILD NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. IT MIGHT BE PLANNED BUT YOU ARE NEVER READY TO Be a parent .... parenting is difficult and no one has all of the answers from the begining.

Ashley - posted on 06/04/2009

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that's actually not fair to say at all. it DOES require two ppl to want a child to have a child. those women that trick their partner into having a child and then he turns around and says i told you i didnt want this child and leaves well he looks like the ass and everyone feels sorry for her. if he is not ready then he's not ready. you cant force him because he will resent you. he's a 34 yr old man i think he knows if he is ready to have a baby or not. like Betsy said def keep the dicussion open but i would suggest not being too buggy about it because the more you bug him the more he will say he's not ready. you want him to be ready because you want him to want that child, as long as he's not ready he doesnt want a child.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/04/2009

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IT DOES NOT REQUIRE TWO TO SAY YES. I DID IT ANY WAY AND HE IS THE MOST ADORING FATHER EVER. A TRUE DAD. YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED ON WHAT THEY ARE REALLY READY FOR. DO IT ANY WAY.

Betsy - posted on 06/04/2009

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You should definitely keep the discussion open, but having a child requires 2 saying yes. One saying no, whether not wanting a child or not ready, is all it takes to make it not a good decision. This is why this is one of the most important decisions to be discussed before marriage because both HAVE to be on the same page to keep a healthy relationship going and for it to be fair for the child. So keep talking, find out if he wants another and when he is thinking. If his answers aren't on the same page as yours, then you need to look at whether he is the right man for you and if this is the right relationship. If he does think he wants anyone and can give a real reason for waiting (want to pay off a car first by next year or buy a home first, in 2 yrs, etc) rather than being vague, then you can plan around that. If he is just putting you off with vague excuses, chances are he doesn't want another child, or he isn't sure he is committed to the relationship, so doesn't want to bring marriage or a child into the situation that he may not see as forever. Keep talking to him, and really listen (and watch body language!).

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