What do I do when my husband does not want to go see my family for Christmas?

Tiffany - posted on 12/21/2009 ( 34 moms have responded )

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One of my cousin's on my mother's side does meth. He will be at the Christmas gathering at my Grandma's house. My wants to go to my grandma's on a differnt day when my family will not be there. The rest of my family will be going to Gandma's the same day my cousin is though so, we will not get to see any of them.

I have not seen many family members on my dad's side of the family in a few years. My dad has a sex addiction and soon after I had my first son got the guts up to tell him he needed to get help and we were not going to be around him unless he did. My dad's family stopped talking to me after I said that. My husband stood by me when my family was sending me hate mail. He confronted my dad and his mother for me. My dad's mother has recently invited us to a church Christmas party. All of my dad's family was going to be there except my dad, or so she said. Two years ago at Christmas time I asked my dad not to go to church, where I was an attending member and he was not, on Christmas so I could see the family and he could see them later. When we arrived at church there he was so, we left. My husband did not want that to happen again.

Should I just go along with my husband decision about not seeing my family for Christmas?

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Alexandra - posted on 12/21/2009

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I think holidays are to be spent with family. Which is your REAL family? I think it should be your kids and husband. The "extended" family is also great, but should take second place. It's not a question of siding with your husband or not, but the "extended" family doesn't seem a good place to raise your kids in. I took a similar decision of not letting my hysband's mom see my son after she (in negligence) put his health in danger. She said "she didn't think about how it was dangerous for the kid". So I said she will see him when he is old enough to protect himself from her. To protect my son, I would be capable of keeping all my "extended" family away if necessary!

Eddye - posted on 01/15/2010

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Wow...Christmas is over, but I would have told the cousin on meth that he wasn't invited, and skipped the church thing all together. If you want to see certian people in your family, tell them. Make plans to meet in the middle if they are in another state, and have a weekend together. The only way you can avoid the drama is to let goo of the anger and hate; it only hurts you. It has taken me a long time to learn these lessons, I have a twin, she is so toxic that I have had to remove her from my life, and mourn her loss. Good luck.

Scarlet - posted on 12/22/2009

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Quoting Wanda:

I think you should go see your family at Christmas. Many people are dealing with addictions and problems. They will not get better by being abandoned by the people that care for them the most!. You have to be supportive of them. This does not mean you condone the inappropriate behavior, rather you focus on other good things in life. Have your Father of cousin had any good experiences to share? Have they been working on a recovery?
I was surprised to hear you left Church because your Father was there. I think that would have been a good place to try and mend the relationship a bit. If your Dad got out of hand or inappropriate, there would have been a lot of other people to help with the situation. You may have had a nice Worship Service with your Family.
I understand you not wanting to live with certain behaviors, but staying in touch with family is so important. I hop your Husband can find compassion for those struggling with addictions.

Wanda



 



Wanda,



You are right thats lots of people are dealing with addictions and I'm not suggesting that you should always turn your back on them but from experience.........People like that also need to see that it want be dealt with!!  I am assuming that her meth addict cousin is an adult and as hard as it may be for Tiffany she has to stand up for her Children!!!  Her cousin needs to understand that she want tolerate that mess!!  I do understand what you are saying and its a very valid point, I've just found the more you "baby": and addict the worse they will treat you!!!  Merry Christmas!!





 

Teresa - posted on 12/22/2009

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You should go somewhere far away and forget about the entire family. You should not put up with bad behavior just because it is family. If you do you are saying that the behavior is ok to your children. Your husband is the head of the household and maybe he is right!

Shonene - posted on 12/21/2009

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Opening a can of worms? I understand both your husband and your points on this matter and it's a tough call. Your husband sounds like he loves and respects you, therefore is willing to take much heat to protect you. Compromise, talk to your husband and see if there is some sort of middle ground you both can agree on. Your husband sounds like a stand up kind of guy.

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Dusty - posted on 01/07/2012

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I would say you really need to think this through. Yes, family is important, but are they more important than your child? Would you allow your child to go see this cousin of yours alone? I sincerly hope the answer is no. Whether or not this cousin would be doing meth, or even if he was high @ this Christmas gathering, the fact is, that is still a part of his lifestyle. Would you want your child exposed to that? Answer these questions & you should have an answer to your problem :)

Heather - posted on 01/11/2010

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I agree Karen, I wrote basically, the same thing and then read your post after.

Heather - posted on 01/11/2010

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It hurts to have an unsupporting family. I know from my experiences. It sounds like you are starting your own supporting family and hopefullly that will be enough to sustain you. Explain to your husband though that even though they are disfunctional and disrespectful, you are mourning the loss of them. Don't go to their functions as he suggests. Write them or call the good ones to explain. If there are any that can see your side than get together with them when you can and have your own "christmas".

Someone has to stand up and have some morals and you have them. God bless, take care

Sharon - posted on 01/10/2010

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when its your own post - there is a row of options under your post. edit and delete are two of them.

Karen - posted on 12/26/2009

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Doesn't seem like a tough call to me. Your family is you, your husband, and your kids. Unless your husband is asking you to do something illegal or hurtful to your kids, you need to respect his wishes. He is asking you to keep your kids away from a dangerous situation. In addition, your family apparently doesn't respect your wishes since your Dad showed when you explicitly asked him not to show and his family quit speaking to you when you stepped up to protect your kids, so their level of respect and caring for you is obviously as low as it can get. Therefore, you need to stay away until they fix their problems and can respect you. That would be setting an example for your kids that you want them to follow. The other road is setting an example that you don't want them to follow.

Gina - posted on 12/24/2009

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Tiffany, i hope all went well as im sure by now its all happened, my advice to you is that family is what you make it, the family that stand by and support you will be happy to make an alternative time to see you, its a smart decision by your husband not to want "your" family around those bad influences, i have "relatives" and then "family" you cant chose your relatives but you can choose your family no matter what anyone says! Good luck hun im sure you will work through this :)

Tiffany - posted on 12/23/2009

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Quoting Sharon:

I hate to say this but your family is a poison.

They are sucking the life out of you. Deliberately surrounding yourself with them will only make you more miserable. The sooner you recognise this and come to terms with it and forge on with your own real life, the better off you will be.



You are so right. I always want to please everyone but, in this case I don't think I can. I am going to celebrate with my husband in our kids at home. We will go to Grandma's another day and celbrate with her and not the Meth head.

Leatrice - posted on 12/22/2009

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it's hard when so much has happened in a family. one thing you must understand is that you call the shots for you and your children and most of all their safety. so my advice is do what's best for them. if you allow your feelings to be involved then you won't see the danger and problems that will come of this if you do go. make the best Christmas out of what you have and invite them to your house one year. those that want to see you will come. when i feel uncomfortable around my family i just leave and my children go with me.

Ronda - posted on 12/22/2009

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If you feel you really want to go or must can YOU go alone while hubby keeps the kids then all go another day when the bad seeds aren't around? My hubby has family members we do not allow our kids around for safety reasons(bi polar issues) so we just try to go when they are not there and he can go visit those people when he has his time.

Crystal - posted on 12/22/2009

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I think you need to consider whether or not this is worth causing a rift between you and your husband. He is just trying to protect you and your children from any physical or emotional pain. He is trying to shield you from what you state has happened already in the past. I would allow him to lead in this situation. Follow your heart and I think you know in your gut what you need to.

[deleted account]

I think inviting the family members you want to see to your house is a good idea! If that is not something you can do then YOU going to see your family w/out kids & hubby sounds like a viable option. I say this because your husband is against it.



There is a lot of addiction in both sides of our families! We go visit my MIL who smokes meth, and I take my children. She doesn't use while we are there, or atleast goes into a different part of the place???that happened once before we had kids :( My kids stay in my sight and we don't stay long! Most of the MIL's indiscretions occurred before we had children and she prepares her place before my son has come over because she knows that if I see anything that I will not allow my kids there! And since my husband is the only son that talks to her (of 4 kids) she does whatever she needs to to maintain that relationship! We visit our alcoholic family members, and during peak drinking times we find somewhere else to go or only plan a day trip! I don't keep my kids from these family members who have never done anything but love my children and do not harm any of us...they have never been soo flaky to leave paraphenelia in sight or drugs for that matter...like I said, I stay w/my kids (it's only been w/the 1st born as we haven't seen MIL since we had #2 & we haven't gone to an all out family event since we had our son either! seems the drinkers have calmed down a bit.,.). Other then that one time MIL used before we had kids she doesn't leave the room when we are there so I know she doesn't use while we're there now! But these are SMALL infrequent events where it is just us! If I couldn't keep tabs on my kids or they were older and wanted to roam we'd likely just stay outside or go to a public place to see those family members!

Sharon - posted on 12/22/2009

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I hate to say this but your family is a poison.



They are sucking the life out of you. Deliberately surrounding yourself with them will only make you more miserable. The sooner you recognise this and come to terms with it and forge on with your own real life, the better off you will be.

Tiffany - posted on 12/22/2009

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My cousin is trying to get into a treatment facility. My father thinks he does not have a problem and when I was around him in the past he blamed me or my mom for everything. A big part is I have a traumatic brain injury, due to a car wreck, and am not able to drive. I have invited family to my house to visit but, they only want contact on their terms. I am also can't lie very well or fake my emotions and my family has always had a problem with that since my wreck, as well as a lot of my friends. Most of my dad's family have trouble with addictions and they hide and deny them all so they will not have to look at their own. I had to get away from it all and see a therapist to understand how bad it was.I have tried and tried for so long; I feel drained. I get no reciprocation when I do try.

Wanda - posted on 12/22/2009

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I think you should go see your family at Christmas. Many people are dealing with addictions and problems. They will not get better by being abandoned by the people that care for them the most!. You have to be supportive of them. This does not mean you condone the inappropriate behavior, rather you focus on other good things in life. Have your Father of cousin had any good experiences to share? Have they been working on a recovery?
I was surprised to hear you left Church because your Father was there. I think that would have been a good place to try and mend the relationship a bit. If your Dad got out of hand or inappropriate, there would have been a lot of other people to help with the situation. You may have had a nice Worship Service with your Family.
I understand you not wanting to live with certain behaviors, but staying in touch with family is so important. I hop your Husband can find compassion for those struggling with addictions.

Wanda

Parinita - posted on 12/22/2009

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Well, when your husband stood by you all the time, it's time for you to do the same for him. If he's not comfortable meeting your family you should stay away. Or if it's O.K., with him then you should probably go alone to meet your family, not even with your kids. So try to talk to him about this, maybe he will understand like always :-).

DeeDee - posted on 12/21/2009

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maybe have a gathering at your home where you can pick and choose who is welcome. it is your home and you set the rules. if you think there would be trouble then keep some help on call.

Katt - posted on 12/21/2009

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I would stick with your husband. I have a similar situation...My mother is Bipolar and abuses her medication and has an addiction to sleep aids, I grew up mainly my teen years with no mother. I personally will never have that around my daughter and even if I would let her see my daughter my boyfriend would be against it. He is also the father of your children he should have some say as well. You could always compromise and go by yourself to see your family and just explain that you or you husband do not want the children around those people until they get help. They should understand your concerns and if they don't then, they'll have to suck it up!

Emma - posted on 12/21/2009

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There is no reason why you can't go alone to see your family, at least to find out how they are feeling about you. I personnally would not want my kids around a meth and sex addict, and even if I wanted to see them, I would make up some excuse why the kids couldn't be there.

Jolene - posted on 12/21/2009

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So, why don't YOU go and see your father & the rest of your family. I mean it's going to be a church party so, it can't be that bad right? I'm not saying visit them regularly and I probably wouldn't get the kids involved but, if you miss your family I think you should go. Tell your husband to watch the kids and just go yourself - although it may bring up why the kids aren't there etc. Just skirt around it, change the subject, make excuses, or just tell the truth! I think if you didn't want to go you wouldn't have asked. After all, they ARE your family.

Hailey - posted on 12/21/2009

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stuff like that is tough i think you need to do what feels right inside , your husband sounds like a good man and it seems like he just doesnt want to see you disapointed if you have to leave so maybe just go for a little while if you dont have to travel far that way you get to spend time with your family without being around the ppl too long that he doesnt approve of, in the end you will know what feels right

Scarlet - posted on 12/21/2009

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It is so hard to stand up to family! The best advice I can give you is do what is best for your children!!! As hard as it is you have to let them know that you want allow your children to be around people like that! What you have to realize is that you are not in the wrong here.... the meth head is and until your family can see that and respect your decision then you need to make that hard choice and stay away!! Trust me I know from experience and until you stand up for yourself, your kids and your husband than you will only have more issues! It really all comes down to respect!!! Have you ever noticed that your family will tell you when you are wrong but the meth head gets off scott free!!! Well I don't know if that is how it is with you but sounds like it might be! Good luck and just ask the Lord to guide you in your decision!!! He want stray you wrong! Merry Christmas!

April - posted on 12/21/2009

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I hate to say it.. but I'm siding with your husband...
You'll be around a meth head and they tend to leave things where kids can find them.. a sex addict like wth!!! no child should know what a parent is doing in that dept let alone whether they're addicted to it ewww!!.. and hate mail!!!??? wth? Don't set yourself and your children up for more hurt, stay home with your REAL family.

Jasmine - posted on 12/21/2009

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you can't choose your family, but you can choose who is in the family that you make. if they aren't the type you can leave your children with then why would you want to take you children to see them? it seems as though they haven't cared about your family too much. i have a huge family but only like a handful of them and that is the ones that i make plans with. but the real question is are you happier without them or not?

[deleted account]

Tough call I can see why your husband isn't excited about the idea. If I were you I probably wouldn't go. Instead I would invite the family members that I would like to see over to my house for a holiday dinner at another time that way I would have control over who is around my kids.

Ashlye - posted on 12/21/2009

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The decision comes down to what you want your children around, granted it is your family, but maybe you and your family not going, will show your dad that he nees to get help

Sharon - posted on 12/21/2009

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That sucks and its a tough call.



1. crack head in attendance



2. sex addict



do you really want those sorts of people around your children?



What if the crackhead has some issues follow him to the gathering? It happens you know.



Sex addict - drama drama drama.



I LOVE getting together with family anything that includes a hated member means I'll visit earlier than they will or later. thats how we do it at my MILs. When hubbys' sisters are supposed to show up, we leave. I will not allow my children to be exposed to such disgusting subhuman filth.

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