What do I tell my kids why mom and dad fight and they can

Rodann - posted on 01/06/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My kids have been watching my husband and I fight alot. Now they have been trying fight with each other. So when I stopped my kids from fighting one day they ask me why they can't but we can.

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Kate CP - posted on 01/06/2011

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Why the hell are you fighting in front of your kids? Can't you see the damage it's doing?

Christy - posted on 01/06/2011

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Go in the other room to argue. Don't do it in front of them AT ALL. Even if you have to go outside. Also, think about why you are fighting. Is it fixable? Counseling? Listening better (on both parts)? Choosing your battles with significant other?

Schyla - posted on 01/06/2011

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That's easy because there are something grown ups can do that isn't ok for kids to do. NOW may I suggest you try and NOT fight infront of your children it's scary for them I hated watching my parents fight yes it's a normal part of life but you have already seen what it dose to your kids. plus if you wait til the kids are busy doing something else you won't be as hot headed and maybe able to simplely have only a heated discussion with your husband perhaps you need to see a marriage counselor who can help you both learn how to communicate. If you cannot afford one there are places in your community that offer similar services

[deleted account]

What kind of fighting are you talking about?

It is good for kids to witness their parents having minor disagreements and solving those disagreements cuz it helps them to learn about conflict resolution. Anything more serious should not be done in front of them.... and yelling in another room or when you 'think' they are asleep doesn't cut it.

If your kids are copying you and you don't like what you see.... stop. If you and your husband CAN'T stop.... get to counseling to figure out how. Kids don't need to grow up in a fighting household.

Theresa - posted on 01/06/2011

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You and your husband need to sit down and figure out how you can discuss things without fighting. Let him know what the kids said. I think it's Ok for kids to hear parents argue. It teaches them that marriage and mommmy and daddy aren't perfect. It's also improtant that they see you make up and forgive eachother. It teaches them how they need to be with others. There are rules that need to be followed when "fighting", no name calling, no disrespectful words, and of course no physical altercations. If you can follow these rules, the explain them to the kids and expect them to follow the same rules when "fighting" with eachother. Referee if needed, but let them work things through on their own. It will be a great life lesson for dealing with others as they get older. If they catch you not following the rules with your spouse, then appologize and try harder.

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Sherri - posted on 01/07/2011

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Well #1 everyone argues if your children are seeing this that is part of life. However, if it is heated and ugly things are being said then no it is not in their best interest to witness such things.

However, if they ask why you can argue and they can't because you are an adult and they are the children.

Tracy - posted on 01/07/2011

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What kind of fighting are you engaging in? If you're having ugly screaming matches, then you two need to re-evaluate how you fight. I'm not saying never fight in front of the kids, but if you're screaming nasty things at each other then you need to knock that crap off. NOW.

Children need to see how to resolve conflict in a healthy, productive manner. How are they supposed to learn if you never disagree in front of them, or have knock-down drag out fights? They won't learn. They'll imitate what they see their parents doing.

Firebird - posted on 01/07/2011

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Your kids are absolutely right. Why do their parents get to fight but they can't? They're products of their environment. They're seeing that it's ok to fight, so they do. And frankly by telling them it's not ok to fight, but then you turn around and fight with their dad, it's hypocritical. Sounds like it's time for you and your husband to stop all this fighting. Fighting a lot is not good. Go into counseling or something, figure out exactly what the problems are and learn how to deal with them without fighting.

Bonnie - posted on 01/07/2011

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Kids pick up on everything. They are probably so use to hearing it already that they think this is normal. You and your husband need to try your best to keep your cool while the kids are around. If it continues with them it is going to cause damage eventually if it hasn't already.

Lissa - posted on 01/07/2011

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If it's arguing and shouting you need to find a way to be able to disagree, voice that but not get into a slanging match. You are your childrens role models so they will copy what you do. When we feel annoyed my husband and I say you have annoyed me by doing this talk about it and if we are still annoyed we go off and do seperate things until we are calmer and can be reasonable. This I believe has shown our children that you don't need to shout, everyone can disagree but it's how you sort that out that's important. I have explained to our children that parents get mad at each other the same as children do, all it means is we don't agree on something. Showing your kids you can disagree, still love each other and sort it out in a reasonable calm manner without being nasty is a valuable lesson in compromise and communication. If you are unable to communicate well or are actually physically fighting then you should get counselling because it is damaging for everyone.

When it comes to my children I say stop, come here and ask them sensible or silly, it makes them think about why they are arguing. A lot of the time they say silly and just stop and make their own resolution. If not I give them both the chance to speak without being interuppted by the other then ask them ways they think the situation can be improved. If you just step in constantly and resolve it for them they don't learn for themselves. So step in if needed but give them the tools to sort it out.

Angie - posted on 01/07/2011

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It depends on what you mean by fighting. Do you mean a fight that becomes physical? A fight that leads to name calling and other emotional abuse? A fight that is filled with yelling and screaming? A disagreement that remains civil? If it is the later, than just make sure you also see the kids let you see the compromise you come to and the love that you still have. It's a great model for children - people who love each other can disagree and still love each other. If it's the others, STOP, then go get counseling.

Hayley - posted on 01/07/2011

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You really could do with NOT fighting in front of your kids as they will only learn that this kind of behaviour is normal.
They'll then go to school and freely do the same thing to other children who have not been subjected to this kind of thing.
I am truley sick and tired of my children suffering at the hands of other kids because their parents either cant be bothered or just dont (for whatever reason) bring their kids up properly. Sorry but it really grates on me especially when I put so much damn effort into making sure my kids know how to properly behave themselves out in the world.....and that includes NOT having fights with my partner in front of them.

Jane - posted on 01/06/2011

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Do not fight in front of your children...period. Move the fight to a place they can't hear OR put it on hold until such time you can do it without them being in ear shot.

Amanda - posted on 01/06/2011

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Why are you fighting in front of your children? Go to the car, outside, garage. You are damaging your children, everytime you fight with your husband infront of them.

If you can not get along and behave like adults, and be role models to your children, you need to think about seperation.

Iridescent - posted on 01/06/2011

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You need to change your behavior. They don't like it any more than you like them fighting. In fact, it's much scarier when mom and dad fight. You can go into counseling if need be, but whether or not you do, you need to learn to disagree and discuss it later, calmly. Also try to change how you disagree. My husband and I joke, a lot! Even when we're not the happiest, we are able to laugh at and with each other in the process of a calm discussion. And interrupting is a good way to cause a fight, so take turns and make sure that the other is done speaking, or say you are not done, even during long breaks during thought in your words. Times of stress make it easy to be slow expressing your thoughts, and it may appear you've finished speaking when you have not, you simply need to think.

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