What do you do when you feel like you've lost yourself.. between being a wife and a mom??

Sharyn - posted on 06/12/2009

Get a babysitter for a day or night .. and spend it with your husband so you can both touch base with each other ....

Betsy - posted on 06/12/2009

I don't, but I came into that in my 30's, really coming to like and be proud, as well as understanding who I was. I also had been married a long time and our oldest was a teen by then, so a bit different from moms becoming moms at that age, having the adjustment now. I think a big part of that is feeling and appreciating who you are as a woman. With marriage, remembering why you feel in love, why he couldn't live without you and not letting that get lost with jobs, kids and bills is huge. When you add that with all you have accomplished since falling in love, independently and together, that is some pretty powerful stuff. Becoming a wife and a mom, you have just added to who you are as a woman, and that is pretty damn special and something to be proud of, so don't lose sight of that.

Marcy - posted on 06/12/2009

Yes, its that weird feeling that I get mostly when I am stressed out and have had it. I work full time (out of the house) and I have a toddler. I feel like I am going 100 mph and sometimes I just want to get off at the next exit. I have found for me that this happens over the course of a few days (or a week) when it all piles up and I have had little very little me time. For me my days are long and then when I get home there is dinner, baths, laundry, cleaning the house, lunches for the next day etc...etc...etc....

What has worked for me is to shcedule some me time a few times a week so that I don't get to that point. I usually go running with a friend 2 times per week and then on the weekend I take 1-2 hours and go shopping. I think everyone deserves time by themselves to regroup. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have "lost" the old person I used to be but the new one is so much better.

Just schedule time for yourself...go for a walk, read, relax....for me the television does nothing.

At some point we will all have empty nests and probably be bored stiff :) LOL

Jessica - posted on 06/12/2009

Quoting Joy:

Tammy, I respect your opinion here, as I do in other boards, even ones where our opinions are different. Something I wanted to say about your last comment: Some of us LOVE being at home and being Moms. Like me, for example. When I was a little girl when someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my first answer was always "a Mom". Now, at 37, with a 19 month old, I have finally gotten my wish and although I treasure my son more than the next breath I will take, I also get bogged down in the routine and in the sameness of it all sometimes. I think it's normal. I completely agree with you that being a Mom is a job, a career. And I also think that no matter who you are, everyone gets tired of their job sometimes. Everyone wishes sometimes while they are sitting at their desk or doing whatever it is that they do at work, that they could just close their eyes, open them and be somewhere else. The same goes for being a Mom, which in my opinion is THE most important job a woman will have in her life. As much as I love being a Mother, there are times when I feel like a bug on a windshield. Even though my husband tells me all the time how great a job I'm doing with our son, even though he tells me how nice the house looks or how good dinner tastes, I still feel sometimes like today is a carbon copy of yesterday and the day before and the day before that and it gets old.
I'm glad that you find so much joy in being a mom, and for the most part, 99% of the time, so do I. But when that 1% hits, it hits hard and I just wanted you to know that that's ok too....At least the way I understood the original question, this is what I thought the OP was talking about.
Take care :)

I completely agree with this and would also like to vent frustration about the post you were replying to...  Even the BEST mother is human.  Even the woman who wanted children all her life and her ultimate goal and dream was to have children and a family and a white pickett fence with a matching mini-van is HUMAN.  The woman at home everyday with her children, teaching them, loving them, singing and dancing with them, exploring the world with them.....being the best mother possible is human, and every human being has independent needs.  Once you have a child he/she should OBVIOUSLY be the center of your world and the MOST important aspect but as a HUMAN being, we can also get tired and it IS so very easy to lose yourself in loving another person so unconditionally. 

I just want to make sure that the OP does not feel bad about posting her question because it is completely normal, even in non-western cultures!  I think you are an even better mother than someone that fakes perfection for the sake of saving face.  You are reaching out for some mother-to-mother support and I hope you find it.  I have felt lost myself.  Being a mother is something that truly combines every possible emotion to the extreme until you feel consumed with it all.  Hold your head up and know that even if it is 20 years from now, you WILL know exactly who and what you are, both as a mother and as a woman....... and when your son or daughter is able to come to you when they have self doubt, fear or any other natural human circumstance, you will understand the magnitude of at least attempting to balance who YOU are with the expectations of this ENTIRE world!  If all you do your whole life is pretend to be perfect and have it all under control when in reality you're crying behind a gleaming, fake, white smile, they will think there is something wrong with them because they aren't perfect too.... like you have always appeared to be.  We live in the REAL world (that includes our children), so show them what a real woman is. Being a complete woman is not JUST being a mother.  Don't be afraid to have a life and make time for yourself, that is how they will learn to be individuals.  Let them see you have fun.  Let them see you a little sad, they learn how to handle their own problems in life by watching how you handle yours.  You HAVE to make time for yourself...that, in and of itself is the biggest hurdle for most of us.  DO IT and don't let anyone take it away from you.  Having children doesn't give any of us the right to teach them that once they have kids of their own everything else that makes them who they are should just die go away, what a sad lesson to be shown.  What a sad thing for them to grow up watching and experiencing. 

I have had days when my mom would ask to watch my kids for the day and I was so burned out I literally thought to myself, "why bother?"  I mean, I would have to pack them up, load the car with an astronomical amount of kid gear, drive almost 2 hours (surely with a potty stop or 2 & have to unload & reload them again) only to have to drive back, have an hour or so to myself and have to drive all the way back and pick them up and re-do the whole routine.  On the occassions that I do take her up on it, I get home and literally stand in my door way scanning the house.  It's quiet (OH HOW WONDERFUL THE SOUND), but there are toys every where.  Breakfast is still on the table because we were running late.  I really need to go grocery shopping and it would be AWESOME to do it with out the kids in tow for a change!  Now Im thinking, "what do I do?!"  Do I clean, take a nap, go grocery shopping, do some reading, just vegg out on the couch, visit with a friend..."What do I do with myself?"  I usually clean.  LOL, but my point is, take the time anyway, even if its only an hour.  I always feel excited to see them when I pull up to my moms house to pick them up.  Now, by the time I get home I want to pull my hair out again, LOL, but that is something you can all look back on and laugh about later.  When I really get in those moments when I feel like smoke is surely coming out of my ears and all my hair must be standing on end like I've been hit by lightning, I think to myself, "how funny I must look to these 2 silly kids!"  It gives me a little internal laugh and I feel myself lighten up a little. 

Or you could just get some good anti-depressants, maybe take the kiddos to the zoo and get in the way of the horse tranquilzer gun... either way!   ;)

Sorry about the soap box rally!  :D 

Stephanie - posted on 06/12/2009

I went through this recently having had my first child. No one tells you that you have to completely reconstruct who you are when you have kids. I never knew that this person (me) I was my whole life would change. When I feel lost or overwhelmed, I put on some music, get a glass of wine, take a hot bath and cry my eyes out in the tub! It's nice to be alone and no one can hear you :) Once I finish crying, I start thinking about the person I'm becoming and embracing it. I've realized that even though I feel lost, stressed, sad or overwhelmed I would never go back to my life before. So for me, I'm learning to be accepting of the "new" person I am and embracing everything that comes with it. Good luck to you :)

Joy - posted on 06/12/2009

Tammy, I respect your opinion here, as I do in other boards, even ones where our opinions are different. Something I wanted to say about your last comment: Some of us LOVE being at home and being Moms. Like me, for example. When I was a little girl when someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my first answer was always "a Mom". Now, at 37, with a 19 month old, I have finally gotten my wish and although I treasure my son more than the next breath I will take, I also get bogged down in the routine and in the sameness of it all sometimes. I think it's normal. I completely agree with you that being a Mom is a job, a career. And I also think that no matter who you are, everyone gets tired of their job sometimes. Everyone wishes sometimes while they are sitting at their desk or doing whatever it is that they do at work, that they could just close their eyes, open them and be somewhere else. The same goes for being a Mom, which in my opinion is THE most important job a woman will have in her life. As much as I love being a Mother, there are times when I feel like a bug on a windshield. Even though my husband tells me all the time how great a job I'm doing with our son, even though he tells me how nice the house looks or how good dinner tastes, I still feel sometimes like today is a carbon copy of yesterday and the day before and the day before that and it gets old.

I'm glad that you find so much joy in being a mom, and for the most part, 99% of the time, so do I. But when that 1% hits, it hits hard and I just wanted you to know that that's ok too....At least the way I understood the original question, this is what I thought the OP was talking about.

Take care :)

Tammy - posted on 06/12/2009

Quoting Sharon:

Quoting Tammy:

I knit. That really helps. Also, I struggled very little with this "sense of self" thing because, unlike most of Western society, I think that motherhood is the highest possible calling. I don't feel lost "between being a wife and mother" because that is WHAT I AM. That IS me. I make it my vocation just as if I was working at a paid job. I find it far more rewarding and satisfying than my old career was and as big of boneheads as my "co-workers" are here, they aren't nearly as annoying as my old boss. I know for a lot of women this is something you have to grow into and I'm really old fashioned but I never really found myself until I devoted myself full time to motherhood and marriage. It is relentless and it does wear you down but it gets much better as your children get older.

Tammy,

Just out of curiosity, do you ever have a  desire to just be alone?  Do some shopping by yourself, see a movie on your own, or go out for lunch with girlfriends?  I don't mean to be disrespectful at all.  From what I read with other threads, you & I have opposing viewpoints with parenting, working,  and family.  I'm just trying to learn more about the other moms on this forum!

What an odd question.  Of course I like to be alone at times.  I do occasionally make time to go off by myself but it's not this huge need that is going unmet.  I have  hobbies, I go to church, I have lots of friends that I do things with, but  I love being around my kids.  I miss them when I'm not with them. I have vastly more time to do what I please and set my own schedule now than when I worked 40-50 hours a week.  I'm sitting in a room by myself as we speak, writing this message.  Chatting online is one of the things that I do "for myself".  When I was an optician, we all got tired of being around each other and constantly having to do the same job over and over all day but I don't recall anyone saying that they were "losing their sense of self" in it.   What I don't understand and how I differ from many women I know, is that I don't see motherhood as this terrible imposition that is keeping me from some other important "destiny" that I could be fulfilling.  This IS the important destiny I am  fulfilling.  I also don't see it as something that sucks the life out of me and that I have to go elsewhere to find something to fill myself back up with.  Life gets boring and relentless and annoying no matter what you are doing.  It's just weird to me that so many other women only notice that if they are at home with their kids.   I've been in both worlds.  I find much more fulfillment in this one.  I think it's an attitude that society presses on women that they are somehow wasting their time or being stupid or lowering themselves by being at home full time with their children.  That's CRAP.  I want mothers to be empowered that this is a valid and honorable career choice.  It is a career, it's not a hobby that you can do properly in your spare time as you go on with your merry life.  That's just selfishness.  The previous two sentences pretty much sum up my entire view on parenting, family and working when you have children.  Now you are a bit clearer on what you are "opposing".  :-)

Sarah - posted on 06/12/2009

personally, i think it's really important to take some time for yourself, even if it's something little like having a long relaxing bath!! i think 'me time' is a really good thing. i go out with my friends about once a month which is really fun and i feel like i'm the 'old' me again. maybe it won't be a popular view, but sometimes i just want to get away from being 'mummy' for an evening and just be 'Sarah'.
i would try and take 15-30 mins a day to just do something YOU want to do, be it a bath, read a book, go for a walk....whatever. just do something for YOU and try to enjoy it!! after my time out from being mummy, i always come back refreshed and ready to be the best mum ever!! haha!! :)

Mary - posted on 06/12/2009

take a bath and read a book it helped me

Jessie - posted on 06/12/2009

I think it's something all of us wife/mommies feel...i have an 8-5 job and then come home to cook clean play...you just have to divide your time...it's an understanding between dh and i that the kids come first...but he works in radio so we go to concerts and stuff together...even tho it's part of his job it's 3-4 hours where the kids are with gramma and we get to be together and hang out with our friends...and then there's days where he takes landon and i take ellie and we got do our thing...and of course i make sure i go get a pedicure or my hair done everyonce in a while to take 2 hours to myself...find a method that works for you and makes your family happy thats all you can do!

Sapphire - posted on 06/12/2009

Quoting Tammy:

I knit. That really helps. Also, I struggled very little with this "sense of self" thing because, unlike most of Western society, I think that motherhood is the highest possible calling. I don't feel lost "between being a wife and mother" because that is WHAT I AM. That IS me. I make it my vocation just as if I was working at a paid job. I find it far more rewarding and satisfying than my old career was and as big of boneheads as my "co-workers" are here, they aren't nearly as annoying as my old boss. I know for a lot of women this is something you have to grow into and I'm really old fashioned but I never really found myself until I devoted myself full time to motherhood and marriage. It is relentless and it does wear you down but it gets much better as your children get older.

Tammy,

Just out of curiosity, do you ever have a  desire to just be alone?  Do some shopping by yourself, see a movie on your own, or go out for lunch with girlfriends?  I don't mean to be disrespectful at all.  From what I read with other threads, you & I have opposing viewpoints with parenting, working,  and family.  I'm just trying to learn more about the other moms on this forum!

Tammy - posted on 06/12/2009

I knit. That really helps. Also, I struggled very little with this "sense of self" thing because, unlike most of Western society, I think that motherhood is the highest possible calling. I don't feel lost "between being a wife and mother" because that is WHAT I AM. That IS me. I make it my vocation just as if I was working at a paid job. I find it far more rewarding and satisfying than my old career was and as big of boneheads as my "co-workers" are here, they aren't nearly as annoying as my old boss. I know for a lot of women this is something you have to grow into and I'm really old fashioned but I never really found myself until I devoted myself full time to motherhood and marriage. It is relentless and it does wear you down but it gets much better as your children get older.

Sapphire - posted on 06/12/2009

It's hard, and I admit I've had some down and depressing moments over the past few years. On top of wife & mother, I'm also a teacher (part-time). I recently completed a 3 year Master's Degree program and was so heavily involved in research that I often compromised my time with my son & husband. Now that it's all said and done, I have made family time a priority. We have a family vacation next week, and then some day trips/camping. I am really happy to prepare a nice meal for my husband when he gets home from work. I love cooking, so for me it's kinda therapeutic. I also involve my 4 year old son with helping me in the kitchen. As for 'me' time, I read every single night. I walk after dinner-usually walking the dog. But while walking, I catch up on my phone calls. My son attends daycare 2-3 days a week so I can have time to relax, tend to major chores and errands, go for a pedicure, have a girl's lunch out, etc. When my son was a baby, my parents often helped out with babysitting. Hubby & I went on dates, even if it was an hour to run to Barnes & Nobels or for ice cream.

Joy - posted on 06/12/2009

I've been having issues with this lately myself. I was on the phone with my friend yesterday and I broke down and cried for about 15 minutes. Sometimes it feels like all I ever do is clean, cook, clean, change diapers, get climbed on, give baths, clean some more, and then pick up toys. Days start to blend together and it doesn't help that I haven't been getting quality sleep. I lay in bed at night and as exhausted as I am, my brain won't shut off. So I watch tv until I feel my eyes getting heavy but by this time it's 2 or 3 in the morning and I'm usually up by 7 or 8. You would think that in the 19 months since my son was born, I would have this thing figured out. My husband tells me that I need to take a day every week just for myself. But we're always broke and my friends all work. I only know two people who have kids my son's age and they both work and we can't seem to connect. There aren't any active play groups in my area. So...what do I do? I cook, clean, pick up toys, play with my son and take long walks with him every day. I think that's my favorite part of the day. Where I live, there is a nice grassy area at the end of the road with a bench swing and some chairs set up under a big oak tree. We go down there every day and sit in the grass watching traffic and pointing at cars and watching the birds chase the squirrels. For that half hour or so, I think that's the only part of my day I don't feel anything but calm and peace. But as soon as I walk through my front door it feels like I'm walking into a wall. Of course, PMSing and being depressed at the same time doesn't help.

Amy Marie Rose - posted on 06/12/2009

Join Mother's of Preschoolers MOPS. its national. Its full of mom's just like you that you can trade stories with ask advice and get out and have fun with and without your children. Also if that doesn't work try starting a hobby or getting out of the house at least 30 minutes a week by yourself.

Lakeisha - posted on 06/12/2009

Take time for your self...it can be an outing, reading a book at night, a bubble bath (by yourself). You deserve it. No one said you had to lose your idenity when you become a mother. Yes, your life changes, you change, but you can still have an idenity or hobby.



I hope this helps!

Shawna - posted on 06/12/2009

I don't know. I am still trying to figure that out.

Tamara - posted on 06/12/2009

Honestly, I cross stitch. It lets my mind reset and refocus so I can find my center.